Final episode madness! Jade, Joanie, and Danielle each get a different script for the penultimate Cover Girl commercial challenge, and have varying success memorizing their mascara-loving lines. Joanie nails it pretty quickly, Danielle continues to have problems with her southern accent, and Jade is a straight fool, per usual. The girls also shoot Cover Girl print ads, all of which look pretty gorgeous. Joanie breezes through to the final two, while Danielle's accent and Jade's attitude land them on the brink of elimination. In the end, Jade is finally sent home, and that howling wind you heard outside of your window was millions of people simultaneously breathing a sigh of relief. Or, breathily laughing at the outfit that Tyra wore at judging. Seriously, you guys. Jade continues to be Jade right to the end, as she snaps her way back to what, for the love of God, I hope can only be classified as obscurity. Joanie and Danielle, who might be my favorite pair of finalists ever, go head to head in the final challenge, which involves walking on a pretty amazing, if relentlessly long, runway. When they go before Panel again, Danielle looks perfectly gorgeous and Joanie looks like she bought a replica of Cher's "Half-Breed" costume on eBay, which was my first clue that Danielle really might have it in the bag. She does, she wins, and she is so sweet about it that I actually got a tiny tear in my eye. Joanie takes her runner-up status with total grace and class. Danielle promises to get a voice coach, and with that, another season comes to an end, bitches.
Previously: We were treated this season to thirteen of the homeliest, yet most entertaining, contestants ever. They posed on huge blocks of ice. They suffered through bejeweled cockroaches on their persons. They nearly broke their ankles for the sake of a ludicrous judging challenge. Three contestants are left, but only one can be named America's Top Model.
Will it be Danielle, of the gorgeous face, fierce walk, and fun personality? Danielle who has nailed every photo, but suffered through sprained toes and dehydration woes? Danielle who got the gap in her front teeth closed for the sake of even greater beauty, but sounds like she's announcing a Nascar race? Can this Danielle show that she can communicate when it really counts?
Or will America's Top Model be Joanie, from the hometown haven of Beaver Falls? Joanie, the preacher's daughter, who you almost forgot demonstrated her wild side by performing in amateur strip contests? Joanie, about whom God might be the tiniest bit ambivalent, because of this last point, thus putting her at a slight disadvantage? Joanie, of the natural beauty...aside from the massive snaggletooth? Joanie who doesn't feel comfortable smiling, even with the snaggletooth gone and veneers covering the pointy stubs of what were once whole, yet crooked teeth? Joanie, whose intro got much less time than Danielle's despite the appearance of this rambling recap introduction?
Or will America's Top Model be Jade? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yeah, right. On with the show, bitches!
We are in Bangkok. An elephant nuzzles a tourist, perhaps thinking that he's his long-lost cousin, Pedro Pterodactyl. The girls sit and eat. Jade says that she'll be happy for whoever wins, no matter what. Unless that person is Joanie. Or Danielle. Jade says that she feels like something big is going to happen. Jade, honey, that thing is called The Surreal Life 9. Danielle is anxious because she doesn't like surprises. Suddenly Jade jumps up, runs to the door, and starts screaming, "Oh, my God!" while hopping up and down wildly. Danielle anxiously follows, and Jade just starts laughing because she was playing a joke. To make herself laugh. And it's a mean joke, but also secretly kind of funny and awesome. Danielle yells at her to stop doing that as Jade laughs and laughs. Joanie interviews, "Please send Jade home. Her personality? Smells like a dirty diaper." Eh. It's no, "All I smell is just...bitch," but I guess it'll do.
Danielle says that last week was the first time she was in the bottom two. To be in the bottom two because of her accent is really frustrating for Danielle. She says that she doesn't ever want to be in the bottom two again, because it's not a good feeling. Well, really there's only one more opportunity for, as Jade would say, bottom "twoizishness."
Tyra Mail! "People think modeling is easy, but that's not always true. But if you win this competition, your life will be easy, breezy, and beautiful." The girls realize that it's commercial week, and Jade says that she'll finally get the chance to redeem herself from the last Cover Girl commercial shoot, in which she dropped the f-bomb -- and for that matter, lots of bombs -- fantastically. Jade has weird slicked down hair in her interview, and says, "I just don't want to look like a jackass." Stay tuned for the reunion show, in which Jade tries to build a time machine.
Suddenly, an orange Tic Tac with a corn toupee and a white shirt knocks on the door of the girls' suite. It is Jay Manuel. As he enters, the girls start screaming in their usual way, and Jay asks, "Why you screaming?" I guess they edited out the response of, "Because that's what we have to do when Tyra comes in, or else face the non-union penalty of forty lashes each." He sits the girls down, and tells them that they'll be doing a Cover Girl commercial and photo shoot the day. He holds up three yellow envelopes, each of which holds a different commercial script. Each girl chooses one. Jay tells them each to memorize their script, and Danielle says that she feels like she's in school all over again and won't be sleeping tonight. Jade goes over her lines and confessionalizes that she has seen herself winning this competition over and over in her mind. I actually imagine Jade's mind to be like a psychotic View-Master, so she would see a slide of herself winning the competition, and then a slide of her eating pudding, and then maybe one with her taking a ride on a giant purple ten-toed sloth, and then one of her sharing some choco cherry love with Chester A. Arthur. Like, who really knows.
Joanie confessionalizes that this is the biggest final ever. At first I think Joanie means that it's the biggest Top Model final three in history -- which I think is a little presumptuous -- but then she says that it's advanced biology, and I realize that she means it's like a college final. Or, okay, high school, or maybe eighth grade.
Danielle practices her lines and notes that the phrase "lash exact" is kind of a tongue twister. She confessionalizes that she's not going home because she has an accent. OR WILL SHE? Okay, no she won't. Ooops...spoiler!
The day the girls meet Jay, who asks them how well they know their lines. Jade, whose hair is sticking up in a manner that makes her look like the Heat Miser's biracial butterfly sister, quite pricelessly asks, "I mean, are you allowed to improvise?" To which Jay gives a definitive, "No." She's...too much. The winner of the competition will have this commercial kick-off her career, and Jay says that they will need to feel pretty and sell it. The girls will also have a beauty shot, which will be photographed by Jim De Yonker. Jay talks up Jim by saying that he's shot a bunch of pictures of Tyra, and that they're some of her favorite pictures ever. The examples that we see are all the season ending ones from Top Model where Tyra poses with the winner. Jim says that eyelashes are very hard to shoot, so the girls must have a fun, spirited look in their eyes. Jay tells Jade to learn her lines and sends the girls off to hair and makeup.
Joanie says that everyone is nervous -- Jade because she hasn't memorized her lines, Danielle because of her accent, and Joanie because she has always hidden her smile and is still not comfortable with her enormous Duffian veneers. Joanie is first for the commercial. Jay tells her that she sounds a little valley girl / sing song, and tells her to give him the real Joanie. She does have one kind of tricky line about a "revolutionary thermoplastic lash exact brush," but seems to nail it on the second take. I'm sure this is editing, but nonetheless, Joanie is out of there in a flash.
is Jade, who interviews that people see a lot of potential in her, and thus expect more from her. I expect that every episode she will say something that is either a) crazy, b) stupid, c) delusional, or d) all of the above. Does that count? Jade starts by saying, "Don't you ladies want to have a casual, beautiful mascara that you can put on your eyelashes like mine? Well, I'm going to introduce to you today...um..." Captioning shows us that the actual line is, "Want a more casual mascara look?" Nice. Jay cuts, and tells Jade that he doesn't know where she got that from, because it wasn't in the script. She's all, "But the voices in my head!" Jay interviews that Jade did not know her lines at all, and that she added her own words. Then we get a montage of Jade saying, "An unbelievable brush," when the words are, "Wireless tapered bristle brush," and then most hilariously to me, "Nor, as you see mine, are very beautiful," when the line is, "It's perfect for a daytime look." She then says, "Did you know, this little mascara..." when the line is, "New Cover Girl LashExact Mascara." Jay says that they're going to pull out cue cards for her, and Jade interviews that she was relieved. Not so fast, missy.
A lackey holds up cue cards and Jade reads, "Start with the New Cover Girl Exact Mascara" -- but "exact" should have been, "LashExact." Eh, better. Jay cuts. Jade screws up again. Lather, rinse, repeat. And then repeat three more times. Or maybe more. Okay, definitely more. Jay asks Jade whether she can read and/or see the cue cards. This would have been the perfect time for a Very Special Intervention, but it's the final show and we really don't have time for those kinds of shenanigans. Nonetheless, check your Lifetime listings in a few months. Jay has to keep cutting, but tells Jade not to get defeated. Jade interviews that she is not a failure and doesn't give up. She's a soul survivor. And then, suddenly, she nails it. She may, indeed, be a plant. Jay tells us that even though Jade flubbed all over the place, when it came down to the wire, she did really well. Jade walks back to the makeup area, and Danielle asks her whether she remembered all of her lines. Jade replies, "Yep. It worked out perfectly." And whatever your feelings for Jade, you have to admit that that was well-played.
In hair and makeup, Jay gives Danielle a few enunciation lessons, noting that "patent" has two "t"s in it. Jay tells Danielle that he hopes she knows that they're not making fun of her, and that he doesn't want to take her spirit out of it, but she needs to clean it up a little. She says, "Right," and looks quite worried. She interviews that today it really sunk in that she was a finalist in the competition. Danielle starts and immediately forgets her lines. Jay tells her to keep going if she makes a mistake. Danielle says that she went blank. And then she continues to go blank and yells, "What is wrong with me?" Jade says that Danielle is great, and has a great personality with a beautiful look, but knowing that she has to change her accent to be a Cover Girl is a real distraction for her. That was pretty insightful. Is Jade feeling okay? Danielle continues to flub her lines, and she interviews that she keeps going blank, and if she can't do a Cover Girl commercial, she can't win this competition. My friends and I all scream, "Nooooooooooooooo!" as we head to commercials.
When we return, Danielle seems to get through her lines a little better, but she looks anxious and (most likely because of this anxiety) kind of mean and not at all Cover Girl smiley. She interviews that the moment the camera turned on, she turned off. She knew her lines, but in her head she kept thinking about her accent. Jay tells her to find the energy within herself, and make it work. And then, she gets it all out. Whoosh. Danielle says that she's struggling, so needs to stay on her game. She goes in to the photo shoot, and looks great. She says that she's thinking of her mom as she shoots, because thinking of her mom always brings a smile to her face. Jim De Yonker tells her not to smile quite so big. She looks luminous.
is Joanie, who interviews that she's always hidden her real smile. Jim tells her that it doesn't look like she's having fun, and they need to find a way to get a spark in her eyes. Is there such a thing as eye veneers? She interviews that it feels like she's giving a fake smile because she's still not used to her new mouth. Jim tells her not to be shy with the smile, and he finally gets the shot that he wants.
And then we have Miss Jade, who starts singing the "easy, breezy, beautiful Cover Girl" song, and then says, "Please hire me Cover Girl." If Whitney Houston ran Cover Girl, Cover Girl would hire Jade. Have I mentioned her slicked down hair yet? It looks so weird. Jade says that she feels comfortable with the Cover Girl photo shoot, because modeling comes natural to her. She puts her hands by her face and Jim tells her not to look too diva. Jade interviews that she really doesn't need much direction, and we cut to Jim telling Jade that she looks like she's choking herself. Oh, if only. Jim asks what she's thinking about, and Jade excitedly says that she's thinking about winning this competition. At this point my friends and I actually started feeling a little bad for her. A little.
We see elephants and monks, which quite naturally lead us back to the model suite. An elimination is pending, and one bitch will have to say goodbye.
Wasting no time, the girls head to Panel. As they entered, my friend Jessy yelled, "Oh no! Joanie's wearing the gray tank top!" Indeed, it seems like a poor choice, given that the judges told her mere weeks ago that it looked frumpy. When will they ever learn? But I will tell you this: Joanie's outfit pales in comparison to that of what Miss Tyra Banks is wearing. It's as if Victoria's Secret dressed Miss Havisham. It's all in shades of mauve, and features a lace doily top (with tight collar and bow around the neck, natch) over a cleavage-displaying bustier and satin skirt with ruching around the gut that may or may not be intentional. No cobwebs are visible, but I'm sure there are a few hidden around the cooch. Seriously, bitch looks crazy. I couldn't even focus on what she was saying, but I'm sure it had something to do with prizes and judges and someone going home. The guest judge is Roj Singhakul, one of the top designers in Thailand and founder of the Issue clothing line, for whom the two finalists will walk in a fashion show. He has a translator with him.
Jade is first for evaluation. We see her photograph, which is quite good. Nigel says that it's a great photo of her, but he's not sure if it's 100% Cover Girl. Miss J. says that there's something hidden behind her expression. Imagine the Mona Lisa with an IQ of eighty, and you'll get close. Tyra says that she likes it, and that Jade looks very pretty and soft. We then see Jade's commercial, which I must admit is really pretty good. The one thing that cracks me up, though, is at the end when she tells viewers to go to CoverGirl.com for more tips and tricks, and winks and points at the camera on the "dot" of "dot com." Tyra says that Jade did a little head waving, but that she liked the wink. Of course. Roj says, via his translator, that he thinks she has a beautiful look, but wouldn't want to buy her mascara. Burnt like red curry in the eye! He laughs when the translator is saying this, too. It's kind of great. Jade is all like, "That's fine," and tries to laugh it off. But she can't stop there, and goes on to say that this is her first commercial and she hasn't been trained by an acting coach. She then says that acting is an "amazing talent to withhold." I think that's the same philosophy that Meryl Streep has started to live by, which is why all of her movies from here on in will be crap. The director will say, "Meryl, give us some of that amazing talent of yours," and she'll be all, "Oh, I'm withholding it." But just when you think this is bad, Jade continues and says, "Actresses inspire me, as well as you, Tyra." Seriously, she's such an asshole. I feel like Tyra should just announce her elimination by handing the other person in the bottom two a photograph and saying, "Shut your pie hole, Jade." For reals. For real for reals. Nigel can't believe that she went there. Twiggy tells Jade that she needs to learn to zip it. Tyra says that throughout the competition the girls have received the tools to help them do a commercial. Miss J. says that one thing about Jade is that she's consistent. Jade smiles, because she doesn't understand subtext.
is Joanie, whose Cover Girl ad is very pretty, if a bit tight in the mouth, according to Miss J. Twiggy loves it and thinks that it's very classic, which she says Cover Girl would also love. Tyra thinks that Joanie knows how to play with her eyes very well, and really likes it. Joanie looked absolutely gorgeous in her commercial, according to Miss J. Twiggy says that she looks like Grace Kelley, and then jokes that Joanie probably doesn't know who Grace Kelly is. Joanie says, "She was a dancer, right?" No, that would be Gene Kelly. Tyra is all, "You don't know who Grace Kelly is? Child..." and Twiggy says that she was a very big film star and a princess. Tyra says that Joanie took her breath away, but threw away the website mention at the end. Roj says that Joanie has a very beautiful smile, but looks stiff.
Danielle is , and Tyra notes that she looks like she's walking "to the plank." Danielle's ad is beautiful, but Tyra advises her to squint her eyes for a bit more friendliness and connection. And then, Danielle's commercial. Nigel says that it was the most personable commercial that they've seen. Twiggy says that she's had terrible trouble understanding a lot of what Danielle has said, but she did understand her in the commercial, and adds that Danielle was obviously trying, but she needs to take it further. Good so far, right? But then, the moment of reckoning. Tyra says, "I have to say, Danielle...I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all." Nooooooooooo! Tyra says that the places and neighborhoods that we come from are ingrained in us, but Danielle needs to learn how to turn it off and leave it behind when the cameras are rolling. You know, just like the Horsey Foreign Model did, all those seasons ago. Danielle can still use soul, but not sound so much like a hick. Tyra asks Danielle whether she understands the difference. I wish Danielle would say, "You mean like the difference in how you sound when you're talking about your booty versus when you're not talking about your booty?" but she merely nods and looks like she's going to cry.
The judges deliberate. Danielle has an amazing picture, according to Nigel, who also says that she has a Cover Girl look. Twiggy says that Danielle's skin looks like a dream. Roj says that he would buy whatever she sells, but he also balked at the accent. Tyra says that it's funny that even someone who speaks another language would notice that Danielle's speech is off. Oh, go eat a rib. Miss J. says that with a little bit of voice coaching, she'll be okay. Twiggy says that Danielle will be able to have tea with the queen, and Miss J. mugs that she's already had tea with him once. Everybody laughs, because what never gets tired is calling the guy who wears hot pants and heels a queen. Even Tyra claps. Roj thinks that Joanie's picture is the most beautiful. Nigel says that she does have an old movie star quality, and Miss J. says that she looks like a Cover Girl from back in the day. We see a photo of Joanie to a photo of Christie Brinkley, and rest assured that Joanie is much less shiny. Cover Girl's motto from the '80s must have been, "It's like the natural oil that emits from your pores...but a whole lot greasier!" Nigel says that he doesn't know if Joanie is fresh or modern enough, but Twiggy says that in England and Europe the sophisticated look is very hot. Tough talk from a woman with a bouffant and purple sequined cardigan. Tyra says that Joanie can't take a bad picture, and everyone agrees.
And then there is Jade, who Miss J. says is set in being the model who knows everything. Twiggy can't believe that Jade back talked, even today. Nigel, who kind of likes her after photographing her last week, says that Jade has taken loads of good pictures. Twiggy says, "She has done some amazing photographs. Even I have to admit that." Snap! The Twigs! Also, wow, was that short.
The girls go back before Panel. Tyra tells them that they've come a long way, but she has only two photos in her hand. The first finalist is...a commercial! D'oh. That was cheap.
And speaking of cheap, it's the last My Life as a Cover Girl from Nicole. Yippee! She's done so much, but hasn't managed to yet become a real boy. In a strange twist of fate, instead of her nose growing every time she kind of sucks, her eyebrows just get longer. Au revoir, my toothy friend!
We return to music indicative of a ritual sacrifice. In place of a five-headed totem pole is Tyra, whose two giant knockers along with the fivehead and the two photos she holds in her hands more than make an acceptable substitute. The first finalist is...Joanie! Good for Joanie, I say. Beaver Falls, represent! She's very excited, and Tyra tells her that she has a 50% chance of becoming America's Top Model. I guess we can add "math genius" to that impressive resume of Tyra's! Tyra tells Joanie that she should be very proud. And then, Jade and Danielle walk up for their moment of reckoning. Tyra says that both of them have taken beautiful pictures throughout the competition. But as beautiful as her pictures are, Danielle's voice can't necessarily sell makeup. Tyra says that she hasn't seen it done in her entire career. Ouch. The judges love Jade's pictures, but she's a big ninny excuse-maker, and also a huge liability on account of her unrepentant stupidity. Jade fidgets in an eye-rolling sort of way, and Tyra quite awesomely calls her out on it, saying that she's still talking. Burnt like a Frosted Pop-Tart! And then, Danielle gets the final photo! Yay! Danielle has tears as she accepts it.
Tyra bids Jade adieu, and Jade says, "Peace ladies." She strikes a pose at the doorway and then bows as she says that the judges will regret their choice. Miss Itty agrees, because she is totally Jade's daemon. Their resemblance is uncanny. Tyra laughs when Jade leaves, but Twiggy just looks appalled. Jade tells us once again that her confidence was mistaken for arrogance, and that the judges overlooked her ability. She packs her clothes and mutters that it smells like something died in the room. I wish that stench was from the demise of Jade's dreams, but it's probably just some socks that Furonda left behind. Jade says that she has what it takes, but that her look is in "a different realm," and people can't handle that. It is true that I don't think I'm ready for that particular jelly. She says, "This face...will definitely be hard to forget. Jade...will be hard to forget." My friend Joanne and I were trying to describe Jade's use of the third person to our boss, and Joanne quite elegantly summed it up by saying, "She's like Elmo." Jade tells us that she's going to leave us with some words, because, you know, that's just what she does. If this modeling thing doesn't work out, I would contend she has a bright future ahead as a Language Inventornator. Well, as long as the Republicans stay in office. And then she starts snapping as we hear her latest masterwork:
Leftover lady
Let alone the strongest to be subdued
If I only had the magic key that would unlock the realms to
The plateau of the highest me
Even though I've been badly bruised
Living in a house to become a popular muse.
Say what you will, but I might have to steal that "bruise" / "muse" rhyme. Jade snaps as she rolls her luggage down the hall of the hotel. She keeps snapping until something falls off. Of the luggage, not her person, though that would have been even more awesome. She bends over and picks it up, then keeps right on snapping out of our lives, and then out of the group photo, but quite sadly not out of our repressed memories. Nonetheless, I think we can all breathe a little easier now knowing that, despite what she wore to judging, Tyra hasn't lost her mind completely.
Fireworks erupt in Bangkok, and I'm sure it's totally because the Top Model finals are nigh. Joanie and Danielle have some food, and recount their journey to the top of the trash heap that has been Season 6. Joanie says they're the top two, and Danielle says, "Ebony and Ivory, sucka!" Awesome. Danielle describes how rough being in the final two was. Joanie then says, "I'm getting called first a lot. Is that good?" Uhhh...it's probably better than asking obnoxious questions. And actually, I'd say no, only because it means you're getting set up as the favorite to throw us off the trail of the real winner. But Danielle says yes, that it means she was the best of the bunch. Joanie says, "I just hope I win, sorry!" and Danielle threatens to stab her in the jugular with a fork. I do enjoy these two.
Back at the Sweet Suite, there is Tyra Mail: "Your body is your temple. Work it and make me proud." Danielle and Joanie do a happy "We're The Final Two!" dance, which I also like to interpret as a "Ding-dong, The Jade Is Dead" dance.
The day, the girls arrive for Jay Manuel, who shows them the final runway. He calls it the most gorgeous runway ever in Top Model history. Indeed, the runway is a sort of extended wooden bridge that runs through a variety of lovely-looking pagodas of bigger and smaller varieties, and the whole thing is on water. Joanie calls it an ancient city and says that it's beautiful. It is picturesque, but the fact that it is so freaking long and twisty doesn't exactly make it the most practical option, nor the best for judging the girls' runway walks.
Jay shows the girls where they'll be coming out, and says, "Let's bring out Madame." For a minute, I thought he actually meant Madame, the "boisterous, dirty old lady puppet," and thought to myself, "Sometimes this show just gets it right." Alas, it is just Miss J., who emerges to test-walk the runway. Jay shows them the path, which must be about a half mile long from temple to temple. Miss J. tells them that they'll be walking at the audience's level rather than on a raised platform, so the audience will be able to see every stumble, crumble, and drop of sweat. Jay Manuel says that they will, indeed, be sweating, as it is about ninety-nine degrees, and the show will take place during the afternoon. Will it be a sweaty afternoon delight, though? Only time will tell.
The girls have a little quiet solo time at the ancient city. Joanie interviews that she feels like crying, screaming, and smiling. She wants to win so, so badly. She wants her family to be proud of her, and especially her dad. Yeah, no preacher daddy issues there whatsoever. We see some little kid shots of Joanie and her family, and her dad looks an awful lot like Britney Spears's new baby-saving '70s porn star bodyguard. I must give mad props, however, for the photo of her dad holding an infant Joanie who is dressed in head to toe baby Steelers regalia. If you are from Western Pennsylvania and don't have at least one baby photo in which you are wearing some sort of Steelers garb, well...you certainly wouldn't admit it. Oooh, now I can't wait for football season! Danielle says that so many emotions are running through her mind, and she is thinking a lot about her mother, who is sick with rheumatoid arthritis. She's also thinking about seeing her first fashion show at twelve years old, and at this we get an even cuter shot of a young, gap-toothed Danielle. She tells us that she is so close, and wants it so bad that she can't put it into words. Joanie and Danielle hang out together for another peaceful moment before the madness begins.
And oh, is there ever madness. The girls get their crazy makeup done. Danielle says that this is her first real runway show. I wouldn't put too much emphasis on the "real" there. She says that no matter how many years the professional models in the runway show have on her, this is her stage and her time to shine. Joanie says that she will be a mess on the stage. That's it? "This is my stage and my time to shine" versus "I'll be a mess on the stage?" Things are not looking good for Joanie. Meanwhile, Nigel, Twiggy, and Miss J. arrive. Some other spectators actually laugh at Miss J., who is flouncier than usual. Twiggy looks ever more like Olivia Newton John. Tyra makes a visit backstage and tells the girls that they're working on a long runway. They should start calling her Ty-duh. Of course, this is really just an excuse for Tyra to say, "I thought the Victoria's Secret runway was long," and pack in yet another clip of her walking in her skivvies and angel wings. God. Tyra tells Joanie and Danielle not to show that they feel hot and tired, and then gives them a hug goodbye and instructions to work it as she takes her seat.
It is time for the show to begin, and Jay mentions that "the flowers are a little slippery." As slippery as his pixilated nipple? Danielle says that emotion is running through her body, and Joanie says that her heart is racing and that she needs to stay calm, because this could be her breaking point. And then...we head to commercials.
When we return, there is serene music. But never fear, Miss J. is there to cut through it with his long gold talons, and the show begins. Real models come out, and Tyra cheers quite enthusiastically. There are both male and female models. Danielle says that they are at the last runway show, and this is going to either make her or break her. She sets out on the runway carrying a big drum. She is...slow. See, I really don't think this kind of runway shows them to their best advantage. Nigel comments from the audience that she looks very relaxed and natural. Danielle continues to mosey, and Miss J. yells "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaiiieee" as she walks by. Danielle explains that the runway is made extra-difficult because it's coated in flower petals. She says that she had a few moments where she slipped, but she didn't let that show. Tyra yells "Yaaaaay" from the audience and pumps her fists in a manner indicating that she even though may not be a better talk show host than Oprah, she's every bit as rhythmless and jiggly and don't you forget it, sister.
And then, it is Joanie's turn. She says that Tyra is waiting, and you can't go back. Yeah, that's what John Singleton said. Joanie steps out on the runway and tries to look fierce as Danielle passes her. Jay yells to Danielle that she can't walk that slow, and Danielle yells back that she's slipping. The stress! The drama! Meanwhile, Joanie continues to walk, and again it's pretty hard to assess how good she is. She seems maybe a little stiff. Joanie says that the runway is so much fun, and that she's literally hot and sweating. Danielle interviews that she doesn't know how Joanie is doing, and doesn't care how Joanie is doing at this point, because she's "focused on Danielle." Oh no, Danielle caught third-person-itis from Jade! Gah!
The girls go on their last pass down the runway. Danielle wears a really lovely long flowy dress, and notes that this is her last time to impress the judges. Meanwhile, Joanie comes out looking like the Indian from the Village People wearing a very short muumuu. We cut to a horrified reaction shot from the judges that also involves some cackle-ish laughing, and I'm not sure if it's for the outfit or something that Joanie did or what. Joanie says that this is it -- her last chance to be in front of the judges and to ask them what they want: her or Danielle. It's a good thing that it's Joanie asking this question and not Danielle, or the judges would start harping on the accent business again. Nigel says that Joanie's outfit is gorgeous on her, so I guess they just must have been laughing at Joanie herself earlier. Awesome.
All of the models walk out for the finale, and Tyra does some little dance with her arms. Maybe it's a new, easy way to burn calories? Danielle says that she's America's Top Model, there's no doubt about it. Well, there's doubt about it from Joanie, who said that today she felt that she was going to be America's Top Model. They pose together on the runway, and Danielle looks about a head taller. Backstage, Jay lauds the girls on their performances and tells them that they looked like models. Don't go overboard, there, Creamsicle. An emotional Danielle tells us that the love that she was feeling from the audience and the judges was amazing. Tyra visits the girls backstage and says that this was the first Top Model final that made her teary. Joanie interviews that the runway show made her cry and that she felt really good. And then she cries again. Who knows when that interview was filmed, is all I'm going to say.
The girls go back to the suite to receive their final Tyra Mail. It is the Tyra Mail of victory for one of these girls, and the Tyra Mail of defeat for the other. Danielle says that she's been waiting many months for this time, and is ready for it. Joanie says that she's done a lot to be there, and wants it so bad. Danielle says that there can only be one, and Joanie nods. And I have to say that at this point, I made peace with either girl as winner, because they both just seem so nice and fun and pretty.
The girls enter Panel wearing their final dresses from the fashion show. This does not bode well for Joanie of the aforementioned mini-muumuu. Also not boding well for Joanie is Danielle's hair, which is styled in long, lustrous waves and looks totally amazing. They both seem to know it. And then, there's Tyra who is wearing a headband with some kind of bejeweled feather in it. How are we ever supposed to take these people seriously? There are prizes: a contract with top international modeling management company Ford Models, a spread in Elle Magazine shot by world-renowned photographer Gilles Bensimon, and a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl cosmetics. And there are of course the usual judges, but Tyra doesn't even bother to give them introductions, I guess figuring that we're as sick of their stupid mugs as she is.
The judges first look at footage of the girls on the runway. Danielle is doing Miss J.'s walk, according to Tyra. Miss J. says that, indeed, it was like looking at himself in drag. But, with an inverse relation to the normal subject / drag queen attractiveness quotient. Nigel says that Danielle looked like a seasoned pro, and he loved her little wink to him. Twiggy says that she almost had a little tear, because Danielle was so wonderful. Tyra says that she would have liked to see a little more alertness in Danielle's face, because she sometimes looked bored. Danielle says that she was concentrating on not slipping, and Miss J. notes that she is accident-prone. Danielle says that she's been on crutches and has been to the hospital. And if I were a Top Model contestant, I would totally be that model, too, which was proved this weekend when I unwittingly ate a toxic nut (and no, it wasn't Jade) and suffered an anaphylactic reaction which left me fearing death for a good few minutes and looking like the elephant man for a good few hours. I will tell you one thing, though: if you walk into the Emergency Room and tell the staff that you're having an allergic reaction, they will waste no time putting you in a stretcher. So, thank you kind doctors at Miriam Hospital for shooting me full of adrenaline and Benadryl and some other weird steroid stuff, and for writing me a prescription for my new best friend and constant companion, Mr. Epi-pen. And I know that digression was totally just my very own, "And I thought the Victoria's Secret runway was long!" but really I'm just glad that, like, Djb didn't have to write this recap and dedicate it to my memory.
And then there's Joanie. Miss J. loves the walk, and Tyra says that the walk that Joanie did with the mini muumuu in particular took her breath away. The walk in the first outfit looked a bit like she was strolling through the mall. Twiggy thought her walk was fantastic, but Nigel says that Joanie looked down at the ground too much.
And then, it's time for a portfolio review. Danielle had a particularly impressive bald photo, and connected with the camera in a way that new models rarely do, according to Nigel. Twiggy loves Joanie's eyes in her bald photo, and says that they sear into the soul. The fairytale photos were great from both girls, though Twiggy thinks that Joanie's full body shot is better, and Nigel complains that he was getting the same look from Danielle week after week. The creepy doll photos were both great. Joanie excelled at the black and white crying shot, directed by Tyra, while Danielle looked elegant but needed a bit more emotion behind her beauty. The girls both looked great posing on elephants. Tyra asks Danielle to take us back to her sickness, and Danielle says that she was dehydrated and had food poisoning and thus felt woozy on the elephant, but wanted to get the shot. Joanie says that the animal was gentle and that she bonded with it, which gets an, "Aaaaah!" from Twiggy. Danielle was sexy in the swimwear photo shot by Nigel, while Joanie had a completely different look and blew Twiggy away. And finally, both Cover Girl ads are gorgeous.
Tyra asks the girls whether they have anything to say before the judges deliberate. Danielle thanks the judges for believing in her, and addresses the accent problem head on. She says that she's prepared to work on it, and will even hire people or "get tapes" to correct it. Nothing says commitment like checking some diction tapes out of the library. Joanie thanks the judges for desnaggling her and thus building her confidence. She says that she's been struggling with the tooth issue for a long time and it means a lot to her. And really, I guess good on Joanie for not letting the snaggle get in the way of her dream of becoming a model, or, alternately, for having a genius plan to get UPN to finance her dental work.
And then, the judges deliberate. Both girls are beautiful, both are strong -- but who is stronger? Danielle is beautiful and Amazonian, according to Nigel, and great on the runway. He says that Joanie wasn't as strong on the runway for him. Twiggy interjects to say that Joanie photographs like a dream and has many different looks. Tyra says that Joanie is a chameleon, and has that important modelesque quality of being chameleonic while also always looking like herself. Twiggy says that Danielle looks incredibly beautiful, but doesn't change as much. Tyra calls it a signature look, and I don't know if that's good or bad. Nigel brings up Danielle's speech, and Twiggy says that presumably Danielle can and will work on it. Miss J. says that Danielle's personal presence is much stronger than Joanie's. Twiggy says that if she looked at both of their books, she'd go for Joanie who is more commercial and could work in both the U.S. and Europe. Miss J. says that the girls are running neck and neck, Twiggy says that it's horrible, and Nigel says that it's the toughest decision yet, and that they've never had girls whose photos have all looked this good. Tyra agrees. And I'm a loser, but I totally had a tiny case of the nerves when I first watched the episode.
And then, the girls return. Tyra says that it's been a long journey that will soon come to end. But for one girl, it's just the beginning. Both girls step forward, as Tyra says that she's proud of them, and that they've prevailed in mind, body, and spirit, as well as in photos and on the runway. And then without any more useless rigmarole, Tyra says that America's......Top...Model...is... Danielle! Hooray! Danielle starts to cry excitedly. Joanie, to her credit, really holds it together, and Tyra gives her a big hug. Joanie says that she's disappointed, but she's okay, because the best girl won. See, that's nice. But there's no time to think about whatshername anymore, because Danielle is screaming and doing the cutest little circular happy dance. Danielle says that she's the winner of America's Top Model, and her life has officially changed. Cut to Tyra saying that they're going to get Danielle some voice lessons. Well it's about time. And then Danielle says, "My mother's going to be so happy right now. It hasn't always been easy, and we've had struggles, we've had ups and downs. Right now it...doesn't seem real to me, because I've had so many struggles. I've had a hard-knock life. Everything happens for a reason, and I know God blessed me with this opportunity. And we don't have to struggle anymore. I'm a Cover Girl, mommy...I'm a Cover Girl!" I LOVE DANIELLE!!! So much, in fact, that I will confess to actually shedding one tiny, salty tear. And then another when I re-watched the episode. Shut up. But if this bitch goes all Naima on us, I'm out of this racket for good.
And with that, gentle readers, I bid you adieu for the season. Thanks for reading, thanks for the nice mail you sent me, and thanks in advance for not passing judgment on me when I take up residence at the new strip mall barbeque place a half-mile down the road every Wednesday night at 8:00. What can I say, I'm nostalgic like that. Have a great summer, everyone, and be fierce and make me proud until we meet again!