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Previously: Nnenna verbally bitch-slapped her whiny loser boyfriend on the phone over and over again, until we hated them both. More. Jade swirled and twirled to success on the runway and krumped like a whore worthy of Charlie Sheen to impress all with her photo shoot. And Leslie of the weird posture and boring edit was sent home. Seven bitches remain! And one of them will be approximately one snaggletooth lighter at the end of the hour.
The bitches hang out at the House of Haunted Headless Horror after eliminations. Joanie interviews that she's been getting praise from Tyra, and that her krumping photo was amazing. She's proud of herself, and notes that she finally "came out number one." Unlike, say, in her fifth-grade English class. Brooke, on the other hand, notes that Tyra has said that none of her photos has come out well. Except for that last one, which the judges loved, remember? Oh, suspicious edit, how I recognize thee instantly. Brooke thinks that she needs to step it up.
In news that will totally shock you, Nnenna is on the phone with her loser boyfriend, John. He says that he never accused her of anything, and only told her that he was hurt. Oh, yay, another loving and rational conversation. Furonda tells us that Nnenna and John are having some problems, which all started when Nnenna kissed Vaughn, the male model on the "career day" photo shoot. I have a feeling that the problems started way before that -- perhaps when John hit puberty, and the first hairs of his scraggly moustache made their entrance into this world. John yells that he was feeling bad because he missed Nnenna, dammit. Nnenna interviews that her problem with John is that he misses her and doesn't know how to deal with it. I think what she means to say is that he's a needy fink. Nnenna says that she realizes there's nothing she can do about it, because John's at home and she's there. Well, she could maybe stop calling him, or at least do so under the cover of darkness, so that we didn't have to see it every freaking episode. If I want to see a bad relationship play out, I'll just unpack some repressed memories from my childhood, thanks. Furonda says that Nnenna needs to resolve this shit, or it's going to affect her performance in the competition.
The girls head to Strausberg Advertising and Design, where they meet photographer Jeff Lorch. He says that they're standing in the building of one of the world's most influential ad agencies, and are going to have the opportunity to meet one of the industry's most sought-after creative directors. It then appears that he says that "de priest," who they are going to meet, has launched the career of many a top model. And, I guess when you think about it, a lot of models kind of look like prepubescent boys, so this makes sense, sort of. Jeff then says that he'll take their portfolios back to "de priest," and that the girls will go to a back room to meet with "de priest" one on one. And then de priest and de rabbi walk into a bar. Jeff says, we learn from the girls, that they are there for a potential commercial booking. Nnenna interviews that she's usually pretty comfortable and confident in an interview situation. She is first to meet de priest, who is, in fact, only a priest if priests are, in fact, crazy middle-aged lady bitches. And if that is true, then I guess they all report to Pope Janice Dickinson. Turns out, it's actually a woman named Deprise.
“ We take a small break from the action as Deprise introduces herself to the home audience. Turns out she is Deprise Brescia, actress and former model, and that she's only pretending to be a mean, nasty agency director. Get out! I never would have suspected that twist after it happened in every other season! ”
Deprise starts off by telling Nnenna that her stomach looks big in her photos and asking to see it. Nnenna, who does not have a big stomach, obliges, and says that she's not sure what's going on in her African picture to make her stomach look big. In a mean, matter-of-fact way, Deprise says that the flab is not just limited to the picture. She then tells Jeff that Nnenna looks like a transvestite. Deprise says this right in front of Nnenna, which is kind of awful and kind of awesome. Awfsome. Nnenna interviews that she thinks she's cute and doesn't look at all like a drag queen.
We take a small break from the action as Deprise introduces herself to the home audience. Turns out she is Deprise Brescia, actress and former model, and that she's only pretending to be a mean, nasty agency director. Get out! I never would have suspected that twist after it happened in every other season! She's going to give the girls some really harsh criticism about their looks to see how they react. This is a challenge to see how the girls handle the more brutal side of modeling. The girls of Seasons 1 through 4 had this same challenge every week when they went to Panel.
Furonda is , wearing a wifebeater that reads "quitters never win." She could wear a wifebeater that reads, "fuglies never win," but in the case of this show, that wouldn't be true. Deprise tells Furonda that she looks anorexic.
Deprise then disparagingly points out the gap in Danielle's two front teeth. Afterward, Danielle notes that she thinks Deprise was ragging on her. Deprise is actually not all that different than Tyra, we will soon come to learn.
Deprise points out to Sara that her bottom lip is a lot bigger than her top one. Deprise is really kind of spot-on with her criticism. Deprise notes that some of the girls got pretty shaken up. If this show is serious about seeing who can take harsh criticism, they might want to buy a webcam and sit these girls down in front of the forums for a few minutes.
Joanie learns that her ears are big.
Furonda's nose is difficult to photograph.
Joanie looks old in some of her shots. And, kind of, in life.
Deprise asks whether anyone's told Brooke that she photographs a little masculine, and adds that it's a bit disturbing. Brooke looks offended. Deprise asks her to smile. Brooke does, and then Deprise notes that smiling is not her strong point.
Deprise also asks Joanie why she's not smiling in any of her pictures, and says that it seems like Joanie's hiding something. Joanie voices over that people will often turn you down for modeling jobs if you don't have perfect teeth, and that's been true for her. She points out one of her best portfolio shots to date, and Deprise just says, "Yugh." She notes that Joanie was very affected by the criticism and had a hard time recovering.
“ Jade's mom asks her, 'Can I fluff you down?' Raise your hand if you were as alarmed as I was. However, this activity is much more innocent -- if kookier -- than we might have imagined. ”
When the girls get home, there are two giant boxes, one for Nnenna and one for Jade. Nnenna goes to touch hers, and Jade's box starts to move. Please let it be monsters! Jade goes around the back of the box and starts to squeal. But alas, it is a squeal of joy rather than terror, because the box holds Jade's mom, Diana. And if you think I'm going to rag on someone's mom, you've got me all wrong. Okay, unless that person is Tyra's mom. I'm not made of stone, people. Jade's mom is pretty. Jade gives her a big hug and starts crying. Awww, she's half-human. The contents of the other box are instantly recognizable by the scraggly 'stache and stinking aura of need. Yes, it is Nnenna's boyfriend, John. Karma, meet Nnenna. Brooke interviews that Jade's reaction to her mom was very sweet, and that she's never seen that side of Jade before. Of Nnenna, Brooke says, "Nnenna is hugging her boyfriend." We see an awkward and stony Nnenna being embraced by John. She can barely even look him in the eye. Oh, young lovers, together again. It really makes you believe in romance, doesn't it? Nnenna interviews that for a split second she was excited...because she thought it might be one of her sisters. Ouch. She says that was wishful thinking, because it turned out to be John. She says "John" with the same inflection that she would use to say "a box full of fresh shit." Nnenna describes her reaction to John as indifference. At least she's honest. Well, for the moment. Danielle interviews that John's being there is going to be difficult for Nnenna and will cause tension. I'm sure the producers are very worried about this, because it's not what they planned at all. Commercials.
Back at the home, Jade gives her mom a tour. Meanwhile, John tells Nnenna that he loves her bald head. Suddenly, Jade's mom asks her, "Can I fluff you down?" Raise your hand if you were as alarmed as I was. However, this activity is much more innocent -- if kookier -- than we might have imagined. Jade explains that her mom does energy work, and pulls energy from the universe through her hands. O...kay. So, basically, Jade just lies down, and her mom runs her hands along the length of her body and waves them around without ever actually touching her. I think the AMA should look into the potentially dangerous side effects of fluffing, which I can only imagine include the destruction of brain cells and delusions of undiscovered supermodeldom. As we get fluffing footage set to the music of John Tesh (or something equally horrible), Jade confessionalizes that she wrote a poem today and would like to share it with us.
"Heaven and Hell," by Jade Carlos Jades
Heaven and hell, earth power wind force
Make me listen, and my strength will be my source.
Not bad. I would submit this as a second stanza:
East and west, the rain makes me remember
That Earth, Wind and Fire sang "September."
J.S. Eliot thanks her mother for the fluffing.
“ We see a little kid photo of Jay and his sister, and he is totally cute. And, dare I say it, a little orange. Like, more brown-orange than the tangerine hue he sports of late, but orange-ish nonetheless. ”
Meanwhile, Nnenna starts to re-explain the whole Vaughn situation to John. She interviews that she did kiss a male model, but now is trying to think how to reframe the situation to John, so it doesn't look that bad. Why people on reality shows lie to their significant others is a mystery to me, because, obviously, if anything juicy happened it's going to be aired on primetime in mere months. Sluttiness will out. Nnenna tells John that on the shoot the male model kissed her on her bottom lip, and she didn't pull away, though she was looking at the camera. We see the footage, which does not corroborate her version of events. Nnenna is curled up under the covers. John strokes her bald head, and says that she's not going to get off that easy. He adds, "As long as you don't let that happen again," and Nnenna pretends to be asleep. All class, that one.
Tyra Mail! "Some say models are brainless living dolls. Are you?" j.j. cummings ruminates on this, and then writes:
in that Dolls are pretty no
but Brain --
less yes to that i
think
i may relate
The girls head off to a warehouse, where they meet Jay Manuel. Jay tells them that when he was a kid he'd always get in trouble for stealing his sister's dolls. Way to work the stereotype, there. We see a little kid photo of Jay and his sister, and he is totally cute. And, dare I say it, a little orange. Like, more brown-orange than the tangerine hue he sports of late, but orange-ish nonetheless. So maybe he comes by that honest. Not so honest, however, is the awful blonde hair, but you already knew that. Jay continues that he stole the dolls because of their perfect hair. Confused? Yeah, just wait for it. The girls are going to be dressed as dolls in a shoot for Pantene. Because, say it with me now, Pantene gives you perfect hair. Dude, you're better off washing your hair with dish detergent. Mitch Stone, the Pantene pro stylist, says that he's going to use some fab Pantene products on the girls to prepare for the shoot. The girls are re-introduced to Pascal Demeester, who was also the photographer on their first, bald shoot. I like to refer to him as "Demeester Seester."
Jay tells the girls the character breakdown. Joanie will be a ventriloquist's doll. Sara will be a teen doll. Furonda will be a rag doll. Jade will be a mannequin. Brooke will be a glam doll. Nnenna will be a baby doll. And finally, Danielle will be a marionette.
“ Sara is , and Jay tells her to give attitude and sass. Instead, she gives platitude and ass. ”
A lengthy Pantene commercial ensues, as the girls get made up. Joanie gets to work with a male model who will play her puppetmaster. Danielle interviews that Joanie was the only one to get a male model, and that everyone else wanted to share him. Danielle calls him a hottie with a body, and notes that he was nice eye candy for the day. He oils himself up and, indeed, is totally ripped. Nnenna's sizeable jaw practically drops off her face when she sees him. He also is sporting a drawn-on handlebar moustache, which somehow makes him all the hotter. A drawn-on handlebar moustache is the new six-pack.
Joanie is up first. She looks pretty cool. Jay tells her to pretend she's in a traveling circus. Because nothing says haute couture like a snaggletoothed carny. Jay tells her to smile in a few frames. Joanie interviews that, because of the snaggle, she's used to always trying to hide her teeth. We see this, in what she interprets as "a smile," in the few frames. She says that all the girls there have straight teeth, and that she feels like the snaggle is the only thing holding her back. I was going to make some snarky comment about her age, but I love Joanie, and plus everyone else left with the exception of Danielle is practically receiving Social Security checks, so I will just leave it alone.
Sara is , and Jay tells her to give attitude and sass. Instead, she gives platitude and ass. She's in a box, and tries to put her arms out to the side. Jay tells her that dolls are usually a little tighter and not packaged like that. Brooke interviews that she will also have to pose in a box, and that, when she saw Sara struggle, she wondered if she would have difficulty with the shoot as well.
Indeed, glam doll Brooke looks awkward and uncomfortable. Jay asks her what's going on in her head, and she goes, "I'm supposed to look like a doooooooooooll??????" Jay says yes (and adds a silent "you idiot"), and also says that she's a glam doll and, therefore, should look glamorous. Jay tells Brooke to pretend that she's being a bit of an exhibitionist for her boyfriend. Brooke looks even more uncomfortable, so Jay tells her to imagine that her boyfriend is standing there in front of her, naked. Jesus, she's not "I Touch Myself Barbie." Brooke pouts, and interviews that she's getting more and more frustrated because she's hearing only negative feedback. When Brooke's shoot is over, she cries, and Jay tells her that she needs to be comfortable in her skin and that she can't think about being cut while she's doing the shoot.
“ Furonda's doll photo also gets raves, despite the fact that there is a tiny doll face down in her puss. Seriously, you guys, it's so weird. ”
, Joanie goes back to the dentist. She tells us that getting veneers entails a lot of work and a lot of stress. Dr. Falcon pops the temporary veneers into place, and we get to see them. They look good, I guess, but also kind of weird. They seem a little big, or something. She also can't talk for shit in them, either. She interviews that she still feels uncomfortable smiling, because she's not used to smiling with teeth quite yet. She says that now there's nothing holding her back. Dr. Falcon says that what she went through has felled many a large man. He should know. Joanie says that top models have to be tough. Yay, Joanie!
Tyra Mail! A tiara-wearing Furonda announces that someone will be going home. Brooke acknowledges that her photo shoot didn't go so well, so she may be going home. Nnenna says that her performance was pretty average, and once again notes that she's not going to get this opportunity back if she throws it away because of John. Do you get it? Do you? Because if you don't (okay, or if you do), she'll tell you again. Commercials.
A shot of Tyra as a paper doll in big bloomers (a.k.a. her actual underwear) welcomes us to judging. Brooke is wearing a lovely black dress. Prizes, judges, etc. Pascal Demeester Seester is the guest judge. There is no bullshit challenge, so the girls go straight to their critique, which will be based on both photos. Furonda's shot is pretty great. Twiggy says that she wasn't sure whether Furonda was photogenic when the competition began, but that she has really developed as a model. Nigel says that they're looking for someone who can improve. Furonda's doll photo also gets raves, despite the fact that there is a tiny doll face down in her puss. Seriously, you guys, it's so weird. Furonda looks really good otherwise, though. Who knew?
Brooke is . I think her crying photo is good, but Miss J. says that he thought someone who cries so much would do better. Tyra says that Brooke was not a pleasure on set, because she was so nervous and in her head. Twiggy says that she knows in her heart and soul that Brooke has it in her, but that she doesn't have it in her doll photo. Twiggy says that it's very frustrating. Tyra agrees that she loves Brooke in person, but that her photos have been a disappointment.
Joanie's crying photo is great, and Tyra says that it was a pleasure working with her because she understood how to express anguish while remaining pretty. Twiggy says that her photo could be in an art book or a fashion magazine. Joanie also nailed the ventriloquist photo, and Nigel notes that her teeth look a lot better. Joanie cheerfully tells the judges what she went through in a way that doesn't minimize the hours spent in the dentist chair, but also doesn't come off as complaining. Nigel gives her a "well done."
Danielle refused to have her gap closed, Tyra says, and asks Danielle whether she really thinks she can get a Cover Girl contract with a gap between her teeth. Tyra tells Danielle that the gap is not marketable, and is a little mean about it. Danielle says that a little closure is okay, but she doesn't want it completely closed. Miss J. says that she just left a gap wide open for another girl. Danielle's crying photo is pretty, but the judges see a lack of deep emotion. Her marionette photo gets raves, though.
Jade Wordsworthless is , and Twiggy says that she sees anguish in her crying photo, which is beautiful. I simply feel anguish when I look at Jade. Jade then does about the dumbest thing imaginable. Yes, even dumber than that. Or that. She looks at the photo and starts "crying," saying that when she looks at the photo she sees pain, and it's real. She is so full of shit. Seriously, she can barely squeeze out half a tear. The girls behind her give some choice looks. Tyra then totally calls her on it, saying that she isn't normally one to question emotion, but when Jade teared up, it seemed like bad acting. The other judges agree. Miraculously, Jade suddenly seems totally unemotional. Nigel says that when she started tearing up, he looked behind her at the other girls and saw eye-rolling a plenty. Jade says she knows how she is inside. Rancid? Jade adds that she's dealing with so much "torrent." Sigh. Tyra says that Jade thinks that the opposite of arrogance is submissiveness, but ,for the judges, it is being exuberant and grateful. As in, "Thank you so much Tyra! May I give you a bikini wax? No, by all means have my last rib! I wasn't hungry anyway! You look so gorgeous and sad and innocent with barbecue sauce all over your face! I hope one day to achieve the same level of perfection in my modeling career! And hey, your talk show is really good!" Even though the judges hate Jade, they have to admit that her mannequin photo is pretty great.
Sara's crying photo looks like she's crazy, as opposed to crying and in misery. Demeester Seester notes that Sara was very insecure in her tiny doll box. Miss J. says that Sara could have put her arms up, which sort of counters the advice that Jay Manuel gave her. Nigel says that it seems like Sara isn't passionate about modeling. She says that that's absolutely untrue, and that as the competition goes on, she's getting more and more passionate about it and is discovering a different side of herself. Someone's been studying!
“ Will Jade and Brooke step forward? Tyra only has one photo in her hand, and will only call one name. You know why they're up there. Brooke kind of sucks as a model, and Jade is an ass. ”
Finally, Nnenna. Nigel says that her chin is very large in her crying picture. Tyra says that, of all the pictures, this is the one she feels the most. Jade, take some lessons from Nnenna in how to manipulate Tyra through tears. Because that is how it's done. Nnenna's baby doll photo, however, is stinkaroo. Nnenna says that she's never owned a baby doll. Tyra says that she's seen one, though, so not actually having a doll isn't an excuse. Nigel notes that apparently Nnenna is on the phone with her boyfriend every night. He asks whether she's lost her focus in the competition, and Nnenna says that she hasn't let the issues with John distract her. Twiggy asks whether Nnenna wants to be America's Top Model more than she wants to be with her boyfriend, and Nnenna says, "Absolutely." Twiggy says that's what it might come to. For Nnenna's sake, I hope so.
Joanie was last week's Cover Girl of the Week, perhaps in anticipation of the snaggle removal. Hurrah!
The judges deliberate. Jade is fake, but she takes good photos, though her hardness isn't to Twiggy's taste. Tyra likes Furonda because she's progressing. Twiggy loves Brooke, and would like to keep her in because she has some magic. Tyra asks when the magic is going to happen. Twiggy can't bear to let Brooke go. Too bad, for Twiggy. Danielle has had great photos, but needs to listen and get her gap closed. Nnenna's black and white photo is beautiful, but her baby doll photo is sorely lacking. Sara seems more confident in person, and is very bright. However, Twiggy's not sure if she's a model. Joanie's photos are sensational. Miss J. and Tyra do a little ventriloquist bit. Try to keep yourself from being overly amused. I'll tell you, it's really hard.
Seven girls stand before Tyra. Those who are safe are: Joanie, Furonda, Nnenna, Sara, and Danielle (who reluctantly agrees to have her gap closed). Man. Will Jade and Brooke step forward? Tyra only has one photo in her hand, and will only call one name. You know why they're up there. Brooke kind of sucks as a model, and Jade is an ass. But it's age before beauty, as Brooke is sent home. Jade, Lord Tennyson, tries to convince Tyra that her earlier display of emotion was real, but Tyra says that people always confuse what she's giving as something else, and that she needs to get in touch with her emotions and hope that what she's feeling is what she's portraying. What? That makes no sense. Ironically, Brooke -- though she says it's sad to leave everyone and not to have realized her potential -- does not cry. She says that crying and being emotional won't change anything. With that, she fades from the group photo and we get one final lyrical verse from Jade Joyce:
Bitch
I'm glad it wasn't me.
Coming up: Sara feels pressure to improve, while Danielle goes back to the dentist. And the girls get ready to pack their bags!