Previously: Jeff kept you hilariously entertained as I traipsed around with Eva and the rest of the leprechauns in Ireland. Jayla didn't really have a storyline but "continued to stray from her religious upbringing" by posing topless and just being bad all around, I guess. Lisa and Coryn were a she-nis's length away from coming to blows, but settled for a mere verbal expression of dislike and hate, respectively. Diane was sent home and nobody cared. Who will be eliminated ? I can hardly wait to find out!
It is night. Nik wipes away a tear and says that Diane, who has just been eliminated, was the closest person to her in the house. She feels vulnerable and doesn't want to let anyone in or be hurt, and will probably just be "a quiet girl" from now on. She says that the only person she has is herself. And given what is coming , we see that she is probably right.
In contrast to nice, pretty Nik we have Jayla, who says that a lot of people are gone, which to her is better. She is not going to be satisfied unless she's number one and will claw her way there if she has to on the back of other failed Jehovah's Witnesses such as Michael Jackson and...that guy who came to my door over the summer and tried to give me a pamphlet about how gay people were bad because he couldn't decode my landlords' giant pride flag waving around in the breeze in front of the porch. Seriously, though, who's a Jehovah's Witness? (As a quick Google search informs us, none other than Naomi Campbell! HA! This is all part of Tyra's Master Plan!)
Meanwhile, it's Jacuzzi time. Lisa asks the other girls if they want bubbles in the Jacuzzi. They say yes, and she puts them in, which I think is a big, sticky Jacuzzi no-no. Coryn hangs around on the sidelines glaring, and confessionalizes that she can't stand Lisa. And...wow. One glimpse of a wet-haired Coryn in the confessional indicates that, she-nis or no, girl can look rough. She says that Lisa told her if she wants to be "a supermodel...and do fashion and stuff like that..." Coryn needs to stop working out because her body is "too toned." We flash back to this very conversation, and I actually think Lisa showed great restraint in not using the words "hulking she-male." I mean, like her or no, Lisa kind of has a point. In an interview, a much more put-together but still drag-queen-resembling Coryn says that Lisa thinks she knows everything. She hopes Lisa goes.
Meanwhile, Lisa is loving the hot tub and covering herself with bubbles. There are so many bubbles that it's like that episode of The Brady Bunch where Bobby used a whole box of detergent in the washing machine, or right before Mike Teevee got miniaturized in the original Willy Wonka. And wouldn't it be great if Wonkavision suddenly made Lisa the size of a Hershey's miniature, forcing Coryn to carry her around in her purse? They'd have to photograph her with a serious zoom lens. I'd also love to see her dance moves as she is trying to balance on top of a spice jar or something. Kim confessionalizes that Lisa is constantly needing to be the center of attention, much like Kim herself is constantly needing to speak in the present progressive tense. (Lest you think I know anything about grammar, I totally had to look that up.) A very, very drunk Lisa then slurs, "Iiiiii don't know aabaaaht anybody else but Iiiii wuv bubbles!" She blows some bubbles, and then stands up and kind of writhes around, going, "Bubbles." Kyle is wearing a self-fashioned bubble fedora. She interviews that there's something weird about Lisa and she can't really figure out what it is. I think that's because Lisa is what's weird about Lisa. See what happens when you don't buy things for your kids, moms of the world? Lisa stretches the skin between her eyelids and chin and then takes off her top in the hot tub.
Bre interviews that Lisa drinks, and is going through whole bottles of wine in less than forty-five minutes. We see Lisa grab for an actual, like, plastic Ikea tumbler that's half full of red wine. And call me a purist, but I actually think that -- unless you're, like, at the beach or on a picnic or fourteen or something and have no wine glasses available -- drinking wine from a plastic cup is kind of indicative of a problem. Also, I'm having sympathetic dehydration pains. Lisa stands up and the bubbles are sliding off her and she practically has an inverse bosom, she's so flat. As a fellow A-cupper, I sympathize, but also am pleased that someone on earth is more flat-chested than I. Lisa slurs to another bubble-covered girl, "I almost feel like the bubbles are owning you, and you aren't owning the bubbles." If she is making fun of Panel, then I say awesome. Jayla interviews that everyone is pretty much sick of Lisa. Lisa (glass of wine in hand) walks around in bikini shorts, a giant cowboy hat, and a sparse layer of bubbles and mutters to herself, "I don't understand why I don't have any friends." I have to say that, while I would really find Lisa irritating if I had to live with her, this display of hilarious drunkenness has really given her new life in my eyes. I kind of like her again. Jayla says that maybe Lisa will get eliminated for being all over the place, and the rest of them will be off the hook for another week. Lisa almost slips and falls, but catches herself just in time.
Jay comes to the house the morning and calls the girls upstairs, where they find a big display of food. Kim wonders if they're going to have to be housewives that day. Jay tells the girls that he remembers the first time he worked with his icon, and that he had to bring her there today. That was such a natural segue. But it doesn't matter because then Iman appears. Iman! Legendary, gorgeous Iman who immediately puts to shame all of the remaining contestants as well as a non-present Tyra Banks. Seriously, that is a real model. This whole thing seems to be engineered to plug Iman's new book about beauty, which, Jay points out, even features a photo of Tyra. And Iman is so skinny that even a still photo of Tyra's head seems like it could swallow Iman whole. Iman tells the girls that skin care is the most important part of being a model. Lyricism is not, however, as she goes on to say, "It don't matter a thing if you ain't got that SKIN." You'll have to trust me that even with the accent and gorgeous supermodel face, it doesn't work. She tells the girls that there are a lot of organic products they can make themselves at home so that they'll have flawless skin. And I'm sorry, but I've tried to do this shit before and it always comes out like crap and makes a mess and is sticky and gross and makes you break out two days later. Learn from your Auntie Potes, kids, and don't try this at home.
“ Kyle is the only one to get across the talking point that you can put the mask on your 'buns' and your breasts, which I find gross but oddly titillating. ”
Jay hands out recipes, and the girls try them. Kyle wipes a chunky, viscous concoction on her face. Coryn says that hers is made with lemon, lime, and honey, and feels slimy, gooey and gross. The girls all look ridiculous. Iman once again stresses the importance of skin, and says that no client will want to retouch all of someone's skin. Kim, who actually has some chunks of homemade product in her hair, asks what avocado does, and learns that it is a moisturizing agent. Bre charmingly eats a slice of something, and Jay and Iman laugh. Jay tells the girls that they're all going to be challenged on being spokesmodels for the honey-banana firming mask. They'll appear on a mock talk show segment, and will have to get across as many product points as possible in the interview. He hands out the talking points for them to study. Iman says that they don't have to cover every point, but should pick out the key points they think will sell to the client. She bids them adieu.
The girls drive to their location and Lisa trips coming out of the humvee limo. Chris Spencer introduces himself as "a stand-up comedian extraordinaire," and says that he used to be a supermodel "before the fire." A few of the girls chuckle politely. Each girl will have a three-minute interview with him about the organic crap product. There will be one winner; the rest of the girls, he says, will go "back to Compton." Bre and Nik laugh because I guess only black people get that joke.
The girls learn their lines in the green room. Lisa says that there are ten lines, and that she has them down. She does a sort of backwards pushup thing off the couch, saying that it takes the butterflies away. She urges Nicole to try it, and Nicole woodenly says, "I'll pass." Jayla says that she's not scared to get in front of somebody and talk, and is feeling pretty confident about the challenge. She goes first and gets through several product points, but bores Chris Spencer to death. He rattles Coryn, who only gets through one talking point. He says afterward that she had no clue what was going on. Sadly, it is true. He flirts mercilessly with Bre, who can't get any of her talking points across, and then exposes Kim for writing the talking points on her hand. Boo, Wesleyan! Chris successfully throws Nik off the track. When Nicole says that the bananas in the mask come from the hills of Caracas, he asks where Caracas is. She says she doesn't exactly know, but that they have really good bananas, which I actually think is kind of a funny answer. Kyle rocks the challenge with confidence, even though she is wearing a homely gray sweatshirt. She is also the only one to get across the talking point that you can put the mask on your "buns" and your breasts, which I find gross but oddly titillating. Coryn says that Lisa is cocky (and she should know) and thinks she's going to win the competition. Lisa totally does think she's going to win, too. But she answers some questions wrong about the product, which leads Jayla to say that Lisa has no clue and has "missed the memo." Heh. Chris then asks Lisa to dance. She does, which amuses the other contestants and the viewers at home on account of how she looks like a fool. She is out of time, which she can't believe.
“ Kyle says that she and her sidekick Nicole were chosen to host 'The VH1 Top Five Modeling Countdown of the Year.' The people at VH1 must be so pleased. ”
When we return, we get an encore presentation of "And what are you doing, alcoholic bitch?" If anyone has a sound file of that, please send it to me ASAP and I will give you a great reward. Lisa walks around with her ambiguous Styrofoam cup and has her last swallow of The Hard Truth. As they get into their limo, she voices over that she realizes she's not around people who love and care for her, or, I may add, can even marginally stand her. She says it hurts, and that nobody's ever really truly hated her before. I find that a little hard to believe, and so will chalk it up to her delusion. In the limo, Nik says it hurts her when people are hard on other people, because she's sensitive to social situations. She interviews that there's too much drama going on, and that it's making her pull back a little. She adds that even your friends can hurt you. Hold that thought, Nik.
Back at home, Jayla whispers to Nicole outside. She says she knows she's not the only one who doesn't like Lisa, and that, in fact, over half the people in the house don't like her. I love the specificity of that data. She says she knew the whole thing with Coryn was going to blow up, because Lisa keeps putting herself in stupid situations and people are getting ever angrier with her. Nicole, for her part, doesn't say much. In an interview, she says she doesn't know what to say about Lisa, but that Lisa thinks she knows everything, which is kind of a problem. Nicole really straightened out after that whole Chapstick thing. Jayla hisses to Nicole, "It's so like high school here." Isn't that why we watch this show?
Random shot of a few of the girls swimming in the pool. Kyle straightens her hair and says that she and her sidekick Nicole were chosen to host "The VH1 Top Five Modeling Countdown of the Year." The people at VH1 must be so pleased. But whatever, they got Janice Dickinson out of the deal. Kevin from The Fabulous Life introduces himself. He tells Kyle and Nicole that they'll shoot the whole script a couple of times, and that he just wants the girls to have energy and be themselves. Kyle reads some lines in her flat Midwestern accent as Lisa looks on and sulks. Jayla says that all of the girls expect to win the competitions, but that Lisa takes things a little more seriously than most. Lisa interviews that she would have done better than Kyle if she had won the challenge. Then you should have done better during the competition, ass. ["I hate to say it, but she's probably right; bitch crazy, and if I had to spend five minutes with her I'd kick her in the tits, but she does have charisma." -- Wing Chun] Lisa lies on a bed and complains that she wishes she had won the challenge. See above. Nik lies alongside her and paints with watercolors. Better than Eva's word searches of yore, I guess. Lisa says that if she had won, she "would have talked very sophisticated and given [her] honest o-PIN-YUNS." Nice way to prove yourself with your actions. Also, she is drunk already. Kevin comes over and asks her to pipe down, to which she retorts, "I'm practicing in case I won." Oh, Lisa and her revisionist history and her verb tense confusion. Kevin laughs but asks her to be quiet for thirty seconds, and then wishes her good luck with her practicing. After he leaves, she rolls her eyes and emphatically whispers, "He just doesn't even know. He doesn't even get it." Yeah, he sure doesn't. Kevin compliments Kyle and Nicole on their performance, and Lisa rolls her eyes and says (thanks, captioners!), "Uhh, I'm so disgusted." I like the two-h "Uhh."
“ We see Nicole say, with typical sex kitten eyes, 'What's my secret? I eat ice cream in bed.' Again, not a really astounding secret, but I'm sure it makes lots of guys want to bang her and have some Chubby Hubby afterward. ”
Tyra Mail! "How well can you juggle?" Well, that's a departure from the usual, "How well can you jiggle?" The Tyra Mail continues: "Find out tomorrow. Be ready at 8:00 AM." Lisa says that she's been through an emotional rollercoaster, but that the competition means a lot to her, and that she's throwing in all her chips and hopes it will work out in the end. Don't tell me she has a gambling addiction, too, and wants to meet me at Foxwoods.
The day, the girls head to a soundstage. Mr. Jay tells them that they're going to do a shoot for Secret Platinum Clear Gel. To approximate the exciting life of a real live fashion model, they'll do a TV commercial, a photo shoot, and a press interview with someone from Entertainment Tonight. Bill Heuberger will be the commercial director, and Jason Willheim will photograph the still shoot. Jay tells the girls that each will be able to put her own twist on the commercial by revealing her own personal secret. Oh, is that so? Let's get to work!
The girls memorize their lines as they get their hair and makeup done. Nik says, "What's my secret? I'm afraid of the dark and I sleep with a nightlight." We cut from Nik to Jayla to Nik to Jayla, so you know something's afoot. Lisa shoots her commercial. Her secret is, "I tell myself I'm beautiful. Every single day." Well, I'm glad somebody does. Ba-dom-bomp! Thank you everyone and please stick around for the 10:00 show! Jay says that Lisa's small touch of vulnerability makes her relatable. She looks pretty good, too. Jayla interviews that Lisa's shoot went really well, which was a surprise because everybody thought she'd be off her game. She proved you bitches wrong, now, didn't she? Lisa agrees that she nailed the commercial, and says she is proud of herself. She goes through her photo shoot, and also speaks to Ryan Devlin of ET, whom she calls hot. She tells Ryan that she is Italian, and that Italians are known to be sweaty people, but that Secret really works. I'll bet the Italian tourist board is going to use that one. She then actually sniffs her own armpit and says with typical eloquence, "See? It's...good under there. It's nice, right?" She stole that quote from Coryn, I hear.
Jayla explains that the commercial comes first, and that each girl gets ten minutes to get it right. We see Nicole say, with typical sex kitten eyes, "What's my secret? I eat ice cream in bed." Again, not a really astounding secret, but I'm sure it makes lots of guys want to bang her and have some Chubby Hubby afterward.
Kyle kind of shouts her lines and also uses her arm to point like a cheerleader. The director tells her not to get too over-the-top. Why doesn't he just tell her not to point, already? Jayla says that the photo shoot comes , and you also get ten minutes to nail your shot, and from there you go meet with Ryan from Entertainment Tonight.
Nik, to her detriment, is totally rattled. She says she's too nervous to change her secret. Her stomach is turning and she says that this is why she doesn't want to get too close to the other girls -- because they'll hurt you. I really think Nik is gorgeous, but girl needs to toughen up. Come up with a better secret, dumb-ass! Like, "What's my secret? I stole Jayla's boyfriend after crashing a Jehovah's Witness convention." Are they the ones that have conventions? If not, "I banged Jayla's mom at Neverland Ranch!" Have some gumption, young lady. Nik fucks up her lines over and over. Jay tells her that she needs to not be so hard on herself, and to just laugh about it. She is distressed. Backstage, Nik tells Kyle, "It's okay, because karma's a bitch." Kyle says, "What?" and Nik repeats herself. Nik interviews that she took all the nerves from the commercial into the photo shoot. She looks so pretty, though. She says that she was literally shaking on the floor and had no confidence in herself. She moves on to Ryan and continues kind of sucking. He asks what she is the least proud of, and she can't think of anything. Ryan says that she should have made something up, which is totally true. Nik is unsure about how she's going to do at Panel, and doesn't feel secure.
Heading back to the house, Nik voices over that she's a firm believer in karma, so isn't going to say anything directly to Jayla because if Jayla stole the line intentionally, she's going to get hers. I really, really hope she does. ["I did not realize that believing in karma required one to be passive-aggressive." -- Wing Chun] Meanwhile, smoker Jayla complains to smoker Lisa (did they not even listen to Tyra's talk about vices?!) that she's sick of Nik giving her the cold shoulder. Lisa, who looks kind of like a male midget, asks if Jayla honestly doesn't know what's going on. Jayla says she doesn't, and asks Lisa to enlighten her. Lisa says that she can't talk about it, because she promised not to. But more than anything, Lisa wants to feel like someone on the show hates someone else more than they hate her, so she asks Jayla what she and Nik had in common today. Jayla feigns bewilderment, until Lisa finally leads her to the conclusion that Nik is mad that Jayla used "I sleep with a nightlight" as her secret. Jayla says that's ridiculous. In a confessional, she angrily says that she's sick of being in a house with someone who's so stupid. She tells Lisa that stuff like that makes her realize how few people in the house she'll remain friends with. She adds, "There's [sic] people in this house that I tolerate only because I have no choice but to tolerate them. And that's all I do." In the confessional, she says that Nik is cut off and is "officially" on her bad side, and she predicts that if they're together in the house long enough, something big will go down. Oh, shut up, Jayla. It would be one thing if she were just plain old bitchy, but she's so annoying too. I can't take it. Commercials.
“ Coryn is beautiful and radiant standing before Tyra, but she's sad, and models can't be sad, only empty and soulless. ”
We return to the judges' deliberation. Nigel is not convinced about Jayla, but Tyra says that her face is magical in her photo. Nigel makes a weird cross-eyed face. You, sir, are no Janice Dickinson. Janice would have been all, "She looks like Sandy Duncan. Who is going to hire a model with a glass eye?" Oh, I miss her so. Nigel says that it hasn't been a good week for Nik. Miss J. says that he doesn't see "model." The guest judge says that she's not beautiful, but she's sexy. I think that Nik is really beautiful, but I can see how that's debatable. Nigel loves Nicole, but Miss J. thinks she's bland in person. Twiggy thinks Kyle is lovely but ordinary. Nigel says there's something about Kim that leaves the viewer wanting more. Twiggy thinks Coryn looks great in her picture. The guest judge says he likes Coryn because she's sad, but Nigel argues by asking him when was the last time he booked someone because he felt sorry for them. He has a point. Coryn's picture does look pretty, too. I feel a little mean about Coryn because I really vowed not to make any more she-nis jokes this season, but then there were all those rumors about how she was a man and I just couldn't take it. Just when I was out, the she-nis pulled me back in! But seriously, I think she's lovely if a bit inarticulate and perhaps possessing some sort of a testosterone imbalance. Or, a really, really striking man, which is okay, too. Bre's cuteness doesn't translate into model-worthy photographs. Miss J. was impressed by Lisa. Nigel sums up the feelings of a nation by saying, "There's something about this girl that leaves you wanting more. However, I also can't stand Lisa."
Eight "beautiful" girls stand before Tyra, but there are only seven photos in her hands. She calls Lisa first and says that she rocked it, but unfortunately her photo won't be the ad in People because the majority voted on another girl. Oooh, too bad so sad! That was kind of mean, and most likely because Lisa is an alkie. Jayla is called . Nik blinks a lot at that news. is Kim. Following her, Tyra calls Nicole, whose ad will run in the magazine. Nicole is cute and excited. Kyle is . Tyra screams at her, in order to make a point about Kyle's ridiculous overacting. It is scary, and I think Kyle is embarrassed. Bre is called , leaving Coryn and Nik as the final two. Please step forward, you whores. Coryn is beautiful and radiant standing before Tyra, but she's sad, and models can't be sad, only empty and soulless. Some judges think she needs to be saved from the crazy and cutthroat world of modeling, which would likely depress her if she took it on as a career. Nik didn't rock her picture and was stiff and rehearsed in the commercial. They're looking for someone who is comfortable in front of the camera, and Nik admitted that that's her weakness. Never show them your weak side, bitches; they will only use it against you. Nik is told that she has to work, because she's still in the running toward becoming America's Top Model. Coryn goes to the other girls, including Lisa, who give her a big group hug goodbye. Back at the house, she packs and says it's a load off her shoulders, and that she feels like she can breathe again without the extra stress. The is the happiest she's looked in the whole season. She calmly says that it's her time to go, and that there are other things out there for her, like perhaps a very special episode of Unsolved Mysteries.
Coming up: an army-style obstacle course proves that Nicole is a Chapstick-wearing baby, and Jay calls Kim butch even though she's wearing a corset. Hot.