Previously on ANTM: others laughed as Cassandra had her hair massacred and cried like a baby; Sarah found "relief" "from the competition" in her "friendship" with "Kim"; and Ebony was axed, thus also eliminating our only chance for amusing commentary. Eleven girls remain!
The girls eat out (and no, Kim lovers, that is not a euphemism) and discuss how tough and emotional panel was. The nearly-eliminated Diane says that being in the bottom two is just going to make her work harder. Then Tyra walks in to talk to the girls about the panel, and to let them know that it's been particularly hard for the judges because all the girls are modelesque. And there's no Janice to call someone ugly or fat straight out. Kim interviews that Tyra's visit was helpful and comforting. Jayla tells Tyra that her biggest problem is that she can't tell how her body looks. Tyra says that, with enough practice, you can step out of your body and see it, which probably indicates some weird cross-over with a The Tyra Banks Show episode on psychics. She tells them that, one day, modeling will be second nature to them, except, of course, for those who get cut in the six weeks.
Tyra Mail! "Get ready to swim with the sharks. Be ready at 12 PM." Finally, there will be bloodshed! Oh, how I have dreamed of this day. I would like to fashion earrings made of mackerel pieces for Lisa to wear on this special occasion. Sarah interviews that, after such a long, stressful day, the girls like to crash and regroup. And what better way to regroup than with some lady-lovin'? Sarah and Kim sit outside and talk about relationships. Kim interviews that she and Sarah once tipsily made out in a limo, which gives the editors an excuse to show us the footage again. Slurp, slurp, cantaloupe lips. Kim says that she's dealt with straight girls for years and knows them like the back of her hand or, alternately, the tip of her tongue. Kim says something to Sarah about her last three girlfriends having "attachment issues," of which Kim herself has none. I don't quite get what this means. Did they Velcro themselves to her flannel? Anyway, said girlfriends with their attachment issues freaked out when Kim allowed herself to become vulnerable. Sarah interviews that she didn't mean to gravitate toward Kim, but that, quite frankly, she would like to sup on a delicious bit of her pudding. Actually, she says that with so much tension in the house, it's easy to focus your energies on one person. Sarah tells Kim that she always feels tied down and thinks she hasn't met "the right person." Ho hum.
The morning, the girls get ready. A really tired and demonic-looking Cassandra interviews that Tyra said at the last elimination that they were going to cut her hair even more in the style of Mia Farrow. She says that she was angry at that point, and hates seeing her ugly face/hair every day. You think that's bad, honey, wait till someone holds up a mirror to your soul. Cassandra whines and complains to the others per usual, and says she has a one in eleven shot of being the Top Model. Nicole says that she shouldn't think about it in terms of her chances, but rather whether modeling is something she really wants to do. She says, "If this is what you really, really want to do...then I say CUT IT." (The way she says "CUT IT" indicates that she is sick of hearing about the hair.)
The girls go poolside in a ritzy area where they are soon to encounter giant sequined flippers walking toward them. On top of the flippers is one Miss J., replete in a sequined '50s swim outfit, sheer fuchsia cape, and sequined bathing cap. He looks kind of like Miss Piggy in her Esther Williams fantasy in The Great Muppet Caper. He tells the girls that while they may one day walk on grass, stone, or glass, today they will have to do their fiercest walk ever around the pool. Very, very exotic. Bre stomps it up, and J. loves it. Kyle needs to be comfortable with being tall. Nik needs to pick up the pace. Jayla is scattered. Diane is willing to learn. Miss J. yells, "Beauty pageant, beauty pageant, beauty pageant" as Cassandra walks, and I can kind of see why she's so annoyed by the constant pageant references. ["But seriously, beauty pageant. She walks like she's trying to balance a stack of books on her head." -- Wing Chun] Coryn needs to look alive. On Nicole's walk, Miss J. yells, "Shake it but don't break it 'cause the boys won't take it," and I have no idea what that means. He also calls Nicole's somethings collapsible. It sounds like he's saying Nicole's "holsters," but I don't know what that means either. Lisa is not focused (i.e. drunk), and is all over the place. Miss J. calls Sarah "Miss Tippy Tumbles," and she says she hopes to prove to everyone that she doesn't suck as much as she appears to. He tells her to give more neck when she walks and notes that her head looks like a turtle retreating to its shell whenever anyone talks to her. He does an impression that's right on. Miss J. says that Kim's walk will be special because she is special. Does he secretly think she's retarded or something? She says that she wants to put her own personality into it but also have a feminine flair, which is difficult. She looks pretty awkward, and J. says that she looks like a marionette without the strings. He interviews that she has an incredible face and should be able to do really well, but unfortunately, they don't have five years.
Miss J. then points the girls to a basket full of outlandish hats and has them each choose one, along with a sheer skirt. He interviews that personality is very important for a runway model, because one has to work with so many different designers and concepts. He tells the girls that he wants them each to dance around, and interviews that they all need to be more over-the-top. The results are uniformly hilarious. Upon Kim's dance, which is a bit like that of Elaine Benes, Miss J. says he has no words. Kim interviews that if anyone should understand a difference of gender expression, it should be Miss J. She adds an "I mean, are you kidding?" that would get her a 20% warn in the forums if she didn't look so smoking-hot in her interview outfit. Lisa looks like a dehydrated crack whore. Cassandra is prissy and makes Miss J. clutch his pearls. Sarah flails around and yells, "Wooo!" prompting Miss J. to say that she is a big ball of confusion. He imitates her kind of awesomely. She interviews that she realized after she did her dance how dumb it looked, and hopes never to see it again. This is the point where a little disembodied head of an editor should pop up in the bottom corner with a speech balloon that says, "Ha." Miss J. says that Kim and Sarah were the two worst walkers, which means they have to work extra-hard. He adds that the lesson does not stop there.
“ Kim interviews that she's used to being one of the best at everything she does, so this is really hard for her. Oh, Kim. Say goodbye to twenty-one and hello to the recognition that you're not really that special. ”
Tyra Mail! Coryn reads, "You've discovered who's fierce and who falls flat on the catwalk. Tomorrow the tables turn. Be ready at 9:15 AM." I am too distracted trying to determine if she has an Adam's apple to interpret this. Some of the girls practice walking. Cassandra mentions pageants again. Sarah asks Bre to help her. She says that she didn't used to be such a bad walker, but now is thinking about it too much. She says she needs to get it right in her head right now, and speaks in such a sad tone that you know she's not only confused about her walk. Kim asks the others if anyone has ever been kicked off for being a bad walker and they say yes. She interviews that she's used to being one of the best at everything she does, so this is really hard for her. Oh, Kim. Say goodbye to twenty-one and hello to the recognition that you're not really that special. She throws her hands up and says she's had enough. Bre cryptically interviews, "Modeling isn't something that Kim knows well. So you stick to what you know. You know girls, you know you like 'em, you know you're good at getting them." Okay, I guess that's really not that cryptic, especially given the shot of Kim showing off her strong arms to Sarah. ["Is getting girls something you can do as a full-time job? Interesting." -- Wing Chun] Bre says that Kim might want to practice her walk, because you can't study on the day of the test. The other girls look on at Kim trying to teach Sarah how to do a push-up. Oh, lesbian seduction. It's a wonder it's not the subject of more Harlequin romance novels. Commercials.
The morning, Diane hopes that whatever is will be exciting. Cut to the girls making breakfast and Kim saying, as she cracks an egg near Sarah's ass (and that, too, is no euphemism), that she always cleans everything she does in the kitchen, especially when she has sex there. Sarah guffaws, because she knows exactly what Kim's cleaning. Nik neutrally interviews that Sarah and Kim hang out together and are very close to each other. Kim says to the others, "This is quality material that you see right here in front of you," and it is unclear whether she means Sarah's ass or the eggs, but I'm guessing by Sarah's ever-so-charmed laugh that she at least thinks it's her ass. Kim says that straight girls tend to get crushes on her, though she can't pick up a gay girl to save her life. Oh, Kim. Potesy is here for you. She then says to Sarah, "Poor Sarah. Hearts are made to be broken, sister," and it's all out of context. Sarah interviews that it's hard to tell where Kim is at because she's such a kidder. Meanwhile, Sarah eats eggs off of Kim's lap. She then says that she guesses she's attracted to Kim "in a way," and that it's really weird for her to feel this way about a girl. I wonder what pains Sarah went to to convince her parents that all of the Top Model Season 5 tapes were lost at sea.
Cut to the phone room, where Cassandra's mom says to her, "This isn't really a principle, this is vanity, and it is beautiful hair, but it does grow back. My point is that if it's this short already, an extra month or two isn't going to make that much difference." HA! Obviously, Cassandra was like, "I won't cut my hair on principle!" Her mom sounds totally reasonable, so I wonder how Cassie came to be such a bad egg. She brattily brats and picks at the wall. Her mom continues, "The question is, do you love your hair more than you love this opportunity?" And if you are a savvy viewer, I think you probably already know the answer to this.