Previously on ANTM: The thirteen finalists moved into their Bel-Air home with lots of whooping; Cassandra likened herself to a sociopath, but prissier; the girls flew in the air with the greatest of unease on a superhero-themed photo shoot; and Ashley was eliminated. Who? Exactly. Only twelve bitches remain!
Sunny California. An alarm clock rings, and the girls awaken. Sarah says that it was shocking to almost be eliminated, and that she is really relieved. She says she's going to have to get better, because she's not good enough right now and has to rely on tricks such as slipping other ladies the tongue to stay on the show. The girls eat breakfast, and Kim says she can't believe Ashley isn't there anymore. Lisa agrees that she didn't think Ashley would be eliminated, and then interviews that she's really competitive and is trying to make something great for herself. A tired-looking Ebony yawns. She interviews fantastically, "You can't underestimate for one second one of these skeezers here. You can't. If you show weakness, they're going to pounce on you like a pack of hyenas to a carcass." Ebony is like Kelle but wittier and with less snout, and thus I love her.
Tyra Mail! "Don't bitch and moan about this hairy situation. Be ready to leave at 8:45 AM." The girls all agree that makeovers are imminent. Cassandra interviews that she's confident about the way she looks and adds that she has a "great natural beauty" and doesn't have to change much to enhance that. Somewhere offstage, Tyra cackles a great "Mwah ha ha ha!" and twists her handlebar moustache French-villain style.
The girls meet Tyra and Jay at the Louis Licari Salon. Louis Licari, says Tyra, is a legend and master of color. Jay says that they're going to turn the girls into "these bling top models," and notes that Linda Evangelista's career took off when she cut her hair really short. Sarah gives a look of concern. There is a flash of Linda Evangelista that makes me realize afresh the contestants' limited potential. The girls' new looks are going to be as follows: Nicole will get a big curly hair weave. Coryn will be blonde. Diane will get wheat-colored hair, "like a prairie." Louis wants to give Lisa's hair more contrast so that her eyes pop, and so she wants to go darker. Lisa interviews that she's a chameleon like Linda Evangelista, and wants something really drastic. She is also modest and patient like Naomi Campbell and sober like Kate Moss. Ebony is going to get waist-length braids for glamour, pizzazz, and to "represent her people." Her people are all like, "We're doing just fine, thanks." Kyle is going to go chocolatey brown. Jayla will get long extensions. Kim interviews that she doubts she'll get a buzz cut or anything, because having a lesbian with a buzz cut is just too much. So they'll probably give her a mullet instead. Tyra says that they love the length of Kim's hair, but want to dye it red to go with her olive skin tone. Kim looks skeptical, and also, may I add, is standing in extremely close proximity to Sarah. Hm. Sarah will get an edgy symmetrical cut. Nik will go lighter and sun-kissed. Bre is going to go straighter and sexier.
And now to the good part. Tyra says that Cassandra has poise and is beautiful, but has too much of a bland beauty-queen thing going on in the judging room. The other girls laugh because it is true and they totally hate Cassandra. Tyra says it makes her ask who the real girl is under all that hair. She asks Cassandra if she's ever seen Rosemary's Baby, starring Mia Farrow. We cut to Kim who pumps her fist and mouths, "Yes," for what I'm sure is the first time in her life. Tyra explains that Mia Farrow's hair was lighter than Cassandra's and about an inch short. A look of panic flashes across Cassandra's face, followed by tears. Jay says that they're not cutting Cassandra's hair just to cut her hair, which is a total lie because they are absolutely doing it to fuck with her. Tyra says that Cassandra's face is strong enough to handle it, which I don't know about either. Tyra asks Cassandra why she's crying, and Cassandra sobs, "I love my hair." Tyra says that it will always grow back. But really, it is going to take a loooong time. Ebony interviews that it sucks for Cassandra, but that this is the opportunity of a lifetime, so she needs to suck it up. Tyra tells the girls that they're also going to have a photo shoot in which they'll represent their looks to the tenth power. Jay says that, on top of that, he's going to give each girl her own style to adopt. All of this is typially cryptic, and does nothing to ease Cassandra's tiny little mind.
The girls hang around the salon. Most of them are excited, but Cassandra sobs that she's always had her hair. Lisa tells her that if she's had her hair her whole life, it needs to go. In an interview, she condescendingly agrees to trade and says, "You can stay the beauty queen if you WANT TO." She does kind of have a point, even if she expresses it in the most obnoxious fashion. A stylist works on Cassandra; Ebony notes that it's good to see Cassandra showing some emotion, and that this is the first time during the competition that she's seemed remotely human. The stylist kind of laughs at a crying Cassandra and asks if she's ready. She sobs, "I don't want to watch." He cuts a big hunk off and says, "Bye bye." Sensitive music plays as the other girls look on. Jay comforts her as she says it's a really big shock. He reminds her that in casting, she said she's very easy to work with and would do what they told her to. He says that they have to trust them, which makes me want to scream "DO NOT TRUST THESE PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY ARE INCOMPETENT AND THEY LIE." Cassandra says that she knows, and that it's taken a lot out of her, but she did it.
“ Kim wonders if red hair is too feminine. I'm sorry, but she's wearing, like, German schoolboy knickers and a motocross jacket. The color red is all, 'I can't save the world, yo.' ”
The other girls have work done, but none is as exciting or amusing as Cassandra's, so we cut back to her. The colorist asks her if she's ever seen Rosemary's Baby, and she says no. He then starts to say that Rosemary was pregnant, and Cassandra finishes his sentence: "With the Devil's baby." She mouths a very sad and silent "Yeah." Lisa, on the other hand, goes up to Jay and says that she loves her haircut even though it kind of looks like a helmet. Jay tells her that they were thinking of going darker but will now make her a believable blonde. She smiles and displays more wrinkles than Estelle Getty. Kim, who has her mouth full, wonders if red hair is too feminine. I'm sorry, but she's wearing, like, German schoolboy knickers and a motocross jacket. The color red is all, "I can't save the world, yo." Kim says that she'll try to keep her own personal expression, but that it might be hard with the new hair color. Just for that, I kind of wish that they'd given her really long extensions. On a separate note, the color is kind of stupid and it looks like they've curled her bangs. She complains, "No boy has this color hair," and whoever is sitting to her has to remind her that she's not, in fact, a boy.
More fun at the salon. Bre needs to have her nose hairs trimmed. Heh. Jay asks weaveologists (who knew that was a word! And I want one!) Waatani, Lorgh, and Latanya how long the braiding of Ebony's hair will take. The answer, I guess, is a really long time. Cassandra looks on with envy at all the girls who aren't pouting. Jay tells one of the stylists that it's been twelve hours of crying as Cassandra complains that they want her to be someone she's not. On the contrary: I think that they want her to be the raging pain in the ass that she is, because it will make good television.
Jay goes to the girls and tells them each how to incorporate her new signature style into her makeover. Bre is the ghetto fabulous girl. She interviews that the fact that they didn't do much to her means that she's perfect as is and that no one could find a way to make her more beautiful, with the exception of cutting that Rip Van Winkle sized nose hair. Her makeover is relatively unexceptional. ["And normally, that means they're getting ready to cut her ass -- fake-out!" -- Wing Chun]
Nicole's new style is "'90s wide-eyed supermodel," and I did not know that was an actual thing. And I have to say that despite the uncanny resemblance to Marie Osmond, Nicole can turn it out. She might be one to watch out for now that she has lots and lots of hair.
Lisa's new style is "supermodel with a twist," which I guess means she's served with a lime. I mean, seriously, what the hell is that? Jay tells her that he wants her to evoke the early supermodels. She loves her new look, but I think she kind of resembles a blonder Sue Ellen Ewing. Like, kind of manly and haggard.
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And now, Cassandra. Her new style is "mod with an edge." "With an edge" is code for "ugly." Seriously, Cassandra looks like your crazy aunt from the trailer park who always talks about how she was homecoming queen in 1982 and just took a job at the 7-11 so she could get a discount on Marlboros. In other words, Cassandra looks like a vision of her own future. And like popular 1980s country singer Lorrie Morgan. And, as many a forum poster has pointed out, Roxette. She's got the look, all right. The hair color makes her look totally old and leathery and the cut is all spiky and weird and too long for it to be a Mia Farrow look. I know Cassandra kind of sucks, but she's right on this one. She says that she can't help being feminine even though she has super-short, hideous hair, but the thing that made her mad was that Jay told her she shouldn't be feminine.
Jay tells the girls that they should all work on adopting their new supermodel personas. They all look kind of tired, and Lisa's hair looks like a wig. They return home to Tyra Mail: "Get ready to rack up some fashion cred. Be ready at 6:30 AM." Cassandra speculates that they are going shopping, but says that nobody believes her. Back in her room, she says that she's going to sleep with her ponytail to her because she misses her hair. She does not look like the same person at all. In the confessional room, Ebony and Nicole play with bobble-headed punching dolls and make fun of Cassandra and how everything is about her hair. Cassandra then tells Kyle that she can no longer stroke her hair and admire her own beauty when she goes to brush her teeth in the morning. She interviews that a lot of the girls don't understand why she got so upset about her hair, but that they should. Ebony and Nicole continue to make fun of her, whining, "My hair! My hair! My hair!" into the camera. It's pretty funny. Kyle speculates that the way Cassandra has acted about her hair might put her in line for elimination. Cassandra wonders how far she'll get in the competition and how much her hair is worth as we cut to commercials.
When we return, a bunch of the girls are talking about Cassandra. Kim says she complains so much that it's kind of a joke, and does an impression of Cassandra wanting to use the phone to tell people about her hair. She interviews that Cassandra's incessant whining might hurt her chances in the competition. Cassandra whines to her boyfriend and says that he'll hate the hair. He probably will. I know I do.
The girls trudge off to the rooftop of the Luxe Hotel on Rodeo Drive. Ebony says that the streets are so clean it's ridiculous. Because Beverly Hills totally needs the PR. And then in comes flouncing a large bald man with a giant orange and white polka-dotted muumuu and orange blazer. Guess he skinned Jay Manuel Buffalo Bill-style. The girls stare in wonder at this clowny human, who introduces himself as James St. James, "club kid extraordinaire, fashion provocateur, and definition of personal style." I know, I know, Disco Bloodbath and all that. But come on. ["My sister, who was too young to nerdishly read about Diane Brill in Details like I used to as a teenager in Saskatchewan, asked me what a 'club kid' was and I had a very hard time explaining. What was a club kid? Did they have jobs or what?" -- Wing Chun] James tells the girls that personal style means you can be fat, forty, and bald, and dress like a clown, and still be the most fabulous person in the room. Well, that's four out of five. We see a photo of him shoving a finger up his nose as he tells the girls that they must have a point of view behind their look. He says that today, they will go on a personal style mission, in which they get $500 each to buy an outfit that fits their personal style. Coryn mouths "Oooh," and it looks like the Midnight Tranny to Georgia has left the station. That hair is doing her no favors, though I will admit that the eyebrows are improved. The winner of the challenge gets to keep her outfit, which makes them all glad that their personal style isn't "fat, forty-year old bald clown." The girls get an hour and a half and race off. James St. James trails them wielding a megaphone. I can see why they did this at 6:30 in the morning. There are practically tumbleweeds rolling down Rodeo Drive.