Previously: Michelle's scabies cleared up and she regained her confidence despite looking like she crawled up from the sewers of Middle Earth. Meanwhile, Tiffany began to lose her mojo and Brittany tried to emulate her predecessor, Janice Dickinson, by drinking all the alcohol available within a three-mile radius. At a blatant T&A photo shot, Lluvy and Rebecca struggled to be sexy enough but failed. Lluvy was eventually put out of her misery and sent home, despite actually being quite ppretty. Nine girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
It is night in Los Angeles. Rebecca notes that her room seems empty since three of her roommates have been eliminated. She says that she really liked the recently eliminated Lluvy, who left a nice note on her bed. Kahlen says that it was hard to see Rebecca and Lluvy in the final two last week, and that Rebecca is her best friend in the house. Rebecca interviews that being in the final two was terrifying, and says that she needs to be sexier and edgier to counter the judges' criticism that she looks too sweet and innocent. She continues that it's difficult to give the contest her full concentration, because she feels like she should be home with her fianc, Todd. Oh come on. Live a little, Betty Crocker. Rebecca says to Kahlen that she needs to improve, and Kahlen says, "Yours is just your face, though. That's something you can easily fix." Unless you are Michelle, in which case no amount of maxillofacial surgery will make you look like a real live woman. A rat-weaved Kahlen interviews that she is nervous about being typecast as the unconfident, shy girl. She says that it is difficult to overcome twenty years of her life in a few short weeks. And she doesn't even come from the ghetto, y'all.
Brittany tells us that the girls are going out to dinner, to "the famous restaurant Dolce, which Ashton Kutcher owns." And in keeping with Ashton's preferences, Dolce only serves meat that's old, used up, surgically enhanced, and desperate for publicity. The girls settle in at their table, and Tiffany comments that she likes the menu because it's simple. She tells us yet again that she's from the hood, and that the whole Top Model experience is vastly different from anything she's ever done. Waiters serve the girls tuna tartare and calamari. Tiffany says in a funny way that she's going to try something. She asks Kahlen what is in front of her and Kahlen says, "Tuna tartare. It's raw." Exasperated, Tiffany says, "Kahlen. Raw what, exactly?" Kahlen hilariously retorts, "It's tuna." And you know Tiffany is thinking, "But how do I know it's tuna if that little fish with the spectacles isn't on the can?" I mean, I understand that she may not know what "tar tar" means or be keen on eating raw fish, but the word "tuna" is right in the name. Just listen, fool.
Tiffany interviews that she's not used to eating raw stuff, and that her food choices are usually "cooked or burnt or something." And also usually prefaced with the words "Biggie Meal #" or "large bucket of extra crispy." She says that she jokes and laughs a lot, but she feels like a fish out of water. And honestly, if I was faced with a plate of Tiffany tartare I wouldn't eat it either. A waiter comes with a cappuccino and Tiffany looks at it as if it is a cup of eyeballs. She says, "It's a bunch of foam?" Christina says, "Yes, sweetheart." Tiffany continues, "There ain't no juice down at the bottom?" I'm sorry, but you can't find COFFEE in the ghetto? Or in all of Miami? Christina laughs and we hear someone else saying, "Where'd this girl come from?" The Land Without a Starbucks, apparently.
“ Tiffany tries to repeat a line and sounds more southern than ever. She ends with, 'What is you talking about, girl?' And I'm sure that's not actually in the script unless the character name is in fact 'Arnoldina Drummond.' ”
Tyra Mail! "You've walked the walk, but can you talk the talk? Be ready at 11 AM." The girls puzzle over what it might mean, and Michelle says that she's just glad they can sleep in. The morning they pull up to the Palos Verdes Playhouse. Christina interviews that seeing the masquerade faces on the playhouse awning clued her in to the fact that they were about to do some acting. They enter the theater. Tiffany interviews that she was nervous because she knows she's not an actress. Kahlen says that her acting experience is limited to the line "Let the journey begin" in her fifth grade play, and so she's scared too. A tiny bearded British man -- Larry Moss, acting and dialect coach -- enters and tells the girls that they may one day be called upon to be spokesmodels, and that the ability to speak and sound semi-literate is important. And having seen the relatively successful Horsey Foreign Model in the Cover Girl Tips of the Week, I don't know that this is entirely true. If you're kind of pretty and have a big rack, I think you usually get a pass.
Larry tells the girls that he is going to teach them the Cockney dialect. Tiffany says, "Cockney? I could barely speak English." And that is both funny and sad. Some swinging-'60s Tom Jones-esque music plays as the girls are forced to repeat, "Betty bought a butter." This show just gets weirder and weirder. Rebecca says that, being a Minnesotan, it will be very hard to change her patterns of speech and so she is nervous. The girls each take a turn repeating what Larry says, and we get a montage of the various takes on the line, "If you wan' a gogo." Brittany is predictably winning and hilarious as she forgets the actual line. Michelle tells us that she's had four years of drama training, and so she's confident that she will excel at the task. And I guess in Michelle's world the ability to successfully emote a menacing "Grrrrr" while headlocking an equally hideous human being counts as "drama training." She repeats Larry's line and is absolutely terrible. Her acting talents consist of a confused-looking face. Larry says to her, "You do the American quite well." Heh. Larry tells Tiffany, who sounds exactly the same as she does normally, that she speaks in a predominantly southern way, which will be a big handicap. And I'm just waiting for her to whack him in the knee with a tire iron and yell, "I'll show you a handicap, bitch."
Larry gives the girls a script to memorize overnight, and tells them that he wants them to become the character of Cockney "Sunny Rose." They will be tested the day. At home the girls practice, and it becomes clear that the scene is a rip-off of My Fair Lady. And also retarded. Naima and Keenyah rehearse the line, "'Ello there Govnuh! Loverly day." Tiffany tries to repeat a line and sounds more southern than ever. She ends with, "What is you talking about, girl?" And I'm sure that's not actually in the script unless the character name is in fact "Arnoldina Drummond." Michelle agrees when Tiffany says that her southern accent is coming out. Tiffany says, "I quit." Michelle tells her not to give up, and Tiffany says that she can't do it. If she wants some instant confidence, she should just listen to Michelle try to muddle through it and realize that she can't possibly sound that stupid.
“ And you know, for a while I felt bad about how Michelle would have to watch herself on this show and face the hard cold reality of, well, herself, but she is so deluded that I don't think it will even matter. ”
Tiffany calls her grandmother. Yay! I love Tiffany's grandma ever since she was the only voice of reason in the flesh-eating bacteria incident. We get a flashback of Tiffany telling Tyra that her grandma let the lights go off just so she could buy Tiffany a bathing suit for the Top Model auditions. And I'm not sure of the wisdom of that particular sacrifice, but then again who needs lights when the glare of the neon "G-H-E-T-T-O" sign shines brightly through your broken-out, screenless window? And when the cockroaches have tiny spelunking headlamps? Tiffany tells us that she needs her grandma to help get her through the competition. On the phone she tells her grandma that she doesn't fit in, and that she doesn't talk like anybody else there. Her grandma says, "That's fine. You ain't gots to talk like nobody there. Just be the best you can be." Tiffany says she's been trying to be somebody she's not, and that she may be smiling outwardly, but on the inside she's crying. Her grandma tells Tiffany that she's going to make it through, and that she's proud of Tiffany because she's sticking it out. A defeated Tiffany says, "Barely," as we fade to commercials.
The following day, the girls gear up for their acting/dialect competition. Rebecca says that she's unsure about her abilities as an actress, and that her greatest challenge is to be versatile. Michelle confessionalizes that she's feeling confident that she will do well and win the competition. She whispers the line, "Flowers for sale," under her breath and gives a mini fist-pump. And you know, for a while I felt bad about how Michelle would have to watch herself on this show and face the hard cold reality of, well, herself, but she is so deluded that I don't think it will even matter. Tatiana interviews that they walked into the theater and that Larry, their "instructor for Cockney," was waiting. He tells them that their scene partner will be a special guest, and for a minute I think it's going to be Ashton Kutcher, which would be hilarious. But it's actually model-turned-actor-turned-UPN-star Boris Kodjoe. Some of the girls, and particularly Tiffany, have little fits of desire and say how hot he is. And I have to confess that I had no idea who he was, but he is pretty good-looking in a bald, strapping, goateed way.
Larry tells the girls that they have ten minutes to transform themselves with makeup and costumes. As they dress, they continue to rave about Boris. Tatiana notes that the wardrobe was pretty outlandish, and that they had to black out a tooth. In her case this was particularly challenging, since she has no teeth to speak of. Rebecca interviews that her mind was going crazy because she wasn't sure that she had adequately captured the completely different persona of Sunny Rose. And I think her problem is that she's taking this challenge a little bit too seriously. The girls look like Mary Poppins after the whole chimney number. Kahlen cheerily says that she's going to make a fool of herself. Tiffany says that she was planning on trying her best, but now doubts her abilities.
“ She says that Tatiana has nerve to get the diamonds, and that she's upset. And I say kudos to Naima for not just picking Tiffany because she's always going on and on about how poor she is. ”
We get a montage of the scene, which basically involves Sunny Rose the Cockney flower seller being blissfully cheery and idiotic around serious American Boris Kodjoe. "Oy'm Sunny Rose oy am oy am!" says Sunny Rose. The girls soon start to lose track of the script, which is pretty funny. Kahlen curses. Boris tells Sunny that she is a born performer, and Sunny asks if he is "telling porky pies" to take advantage of some consuspecting young lass. Naima comes up and of course nails the performance. She interviews that she's always working hard and putting forth her best effort. Naima notes that Michelle, with her "theater background," will probably be her toughest competition. And honestly, I think that Naima is telling porky pies, right there. Michelle's performance is terrifying. She interviews that the other girls have been winning challenges, and she's excited to finally have one that she could possibly win. She then says of her performance, "I rocked it. Ahhh. I just felt amazing." Andheh. Then Tiffany, who is wearing an enormous hat, starts to suck things up. Boris laughs that Tiffany sounded like a southern girl from a plantation in Alabama, and that she was in her own movie. It's totally true. Tiffany forgets a line and can't recover. She interviews that she was looking at Boris and trying to get him to say the line, but that he just looked back at her and did nothing. She says that she was embarrassed, but she didn't care about this test so she laughed it off. Oh, Tiffany. If you had just cared a little you could have avoided yourself an ass-whupping. We see her collapse backstage.
The girls go in front of Larry and Boris for their evaluations. Brittany's accent was good. Tatiana got thrown by her flubbed lines. Kahlen swore and cursed her way through the scene. Christina skipped a few pages. Michelle didn't have any eye contact. Rebecca needed more passion and commitment. Naima was flirtatious with a convincing accent and was good overall. Keenyah was also good. And then Boris says to Tiffany, "Umlove the hat." Heh. Boris says that the winner gets $10,000 worth of diamonds to share with two friends. And that is a pretty good prize. The girls are impressed, particularly Tiffany, who must first ask what all those zeroes mean. "Back in the ghetto we ain't never seen nothing with four zeroes. Four zeroes what, exactly?" And, of course, Naima is the winner. She gets a hug from Boris, and chooses Michelle and Tatiana as her two friends. Michelle interviews that though she was second best she still gets diamonds, so it's all good. And I think she's stretching things with that "second best" bit. When Naima picks Tatiana, Tiffany lets out a big "WHAT?" and throws her giant hat down, saying some otherwise undecipherable line that clearly ends with "bitch." I guess they've heard of diamonds in the ghetto, at least. She says that Tatiana has nerve to get the diamonds, and that she's upset. And I say kudos to Naima for not just picking Tiffany because she's always going on and on about how poor she is.
“ Rebecca calls her fianc, Todd, and says how stressed she is. She interviews that she is practically sick to her stomach from nervousness. Well, that at least saves her the 'finger down the throat' step in her daily routine. ”
As the non-diamond winning girls enjoy some food, Tiffany says that Cockney is crazy. Someone defines it as, "Ghetto Englishwhite ghetto." I think it's Michelle. And that actually is kind of offensive. Tiffany says that everyone always talks about the ghetto like it's so bad, but that there are intelligent people in the ghetto, including her mom and her sister. For good reason, she does not include herself in that mix. She tells the other girls that she is probably ghetto because she chose to be ghetto, and that's who she is. Keenyah says that a lot of people interpret ghetto speech as being unprofessional, and that's why she doesn't talk like the other girls who live in Compton. Tiffany stares off into space for a minute and says that she's just ready to go home, back to the wonderful ghetto. She interviews that she feels upset because she's been trying to change so many things about herself, but it's making her unhappy. She thinks that maybe she can't be a "model girl" because it's not who she is. Well, then don't audition twice for the show.
Meanwhile, Naima, Michelle, and Tatiana set off to get their jewels. They go to the basement of and old bank, where they meet three imposingly foreign guys in suits. The CEO of Kraiko Diamonds introduces himself, and his two cronies open a huge James Bond-esque vault as James Bond-esque music plays. Michelle notes that it was just like the movies, and it really totally is, with the spinning wheels of the safe and all. The girls enter the vault, and Naima is first given her choice of pieces. She chooses a simple yellow diamond on a simple chain, and the CEO puts it on her neck. And she still has her smudgy black stage makeup on, which is weird. She interviews that she liked the yellow diamond because it's unique and individual, like her. Michelle and Tatiana follow the same logic and pick pieces that are ugly and toothless, respectively. In the van home Michelle and Tatiana thank Naima, as well they should.
Meanwhile, Rebecca calls her fianc, Todd, and says how stressed she is. She interviews that she is practically sick to her stomach from nervousness. Well, that at least saves her the "finger down the throat" step in her daily routine. Todd tells her that she is strong, and has been through a lot already. She interviews that it's a hard and long struggle, and all she can do is pray.
Tyra Mail! The girls look around for Tiffany, who is asleep on the couch. "Top Models are never chicken. Tomorrow the feathers will fly. Be ready at 8:00 AM." Brittany speculates that they will have to jump out of a plane. Tiffany interviews that she never understands Tyra Mail and is tired of guessing. Rebecca re-reads the Tyra Mail and confessionalizes that the judges have seen improvement in everyone except her, and passionately says that she really needs to nail the shoot because she doesn't want to go home. And it's clear that all of her efforts really won't matter, given how many confessionals and interviews she's had this episode. Commercials.
“ He tells the girls that today's shoot is designed to allow them to get out some aggression and sexual frustration -- and at this Michelle, judging from the bulge in her pants, appears a bit too pleased -- by posing with a sexy male top model named Rib. ”
And once again, Naima is the Cover Girl of the Week! There are no quotes this time, though, because whoever tallies the votes has figured out that the names are always some anagram of "potes."
Back at the house, Rebecca rereads the Tyra Mail and speculates that it's going to involve something dangerous to see how the girls handle that kind of situation. Rebecca says that she's going to give it her all because she doesn't want to go home. The girls arrive at the Hollywood Hills, and Jay greets them wearing one of Cher's castoff jackets from the "Half-Breed" years. He appears to be freshly oranged. He tells the girls that today's shoot is designed to allow them to get out some aggression and sexual frustration -- and at this Michelle, judging from the bulge in her pants, appears a bit too pleased -- by posing with a sexy male top model named Rib. Rib comes out wearing only boxer briefs, and he is flawlessly chiseled and handsome in that soap opera, square-jaw type way. Jay tells Kahlen, who has turned beet-red and put her hand over her face, that it's okay, because the shoot is rated PG. Kahlen interviews that she's never really had a boyfriend, and so is a little freaked out by this shoot. And not that it means anything, but I think Kahlen has always had a sort of Jodie Foster vibe about her. Jay tells the girls that they'll be outfitted by the House of Wonderbra and must appear to be believably "having some fun, hanging out with your boyfriend" in the shoot. Rebecca interviews that she's not as excited as some of the girls, because she's engaged to be married, and that it's a little awkward. The photographer for the day is Kwaku Alston.
The girls are made up and have long, luxurious hair attached to their heads. We see close-ups of the frilly Wonderbras. Brittany is first and says that she's going to give the shoot her all, and that she definitely has the sex appeal that they're looking for. Jay and Kwaku remind Brittany that she's selling the bra. "It's all about the bra!" yells Kwaku. Brittany looks slammin' hot. She tussles with Rib in a mock pillow-fight as Jay releases feathers in front of a fan. So, there are lots of feathers everywhere. Jay says that the feathers and the wind and the Rib were a bit much, but a top model must be aware of everything. Jay says that Brittany was amazing. He also tells us that Tatiana was totally uninhibited with Rib, but wasn't as aware of selling the product. We see her rolling around with him and squealing. After her shoot, Mathu says that she looks beautiful and asks if she had fun. She says she did. Another makeup artist asks if she felt any "chemistry" -- i.e. Ribwood -- and she says no. They think she's lying. I don't, because I think Rib's a big queer. Rebecca looks nervous and says that the shoot scared the bejeezus out of her.
Keenyah poses with her fabulous looking cleavage, and Jay yells that she needs more fire. Kwaku says that Keenyah didn't find a connection and couldn't do it. Backstage, a hair guy asks Kahlen if she's eager to jump around with Rib, and she shakes her head no. She interviews that generally she is not confident going into the photo shoots, and that she doesn't want that to be the reason she goes home. Jay and others yell at Kahlen not to be afraid of Rib. Rib interviews that she was obviously uncomfortable in that kind of an intimate setting, and that she should work on this because as a model you often have to pose with a partner. Jay tells Tiffany that she needs to make the shoot believable. She interviews that the whole thing is silly, and that her mind has shut off and she can't get into character. Perhaps she should try talking dirty to Rib in a Cockney accent. Jay tells us that Tiffany wouldn't let go or let Rib in. Andew. She says that if she doesn't have a good photo they may send her home, but she can't change that.
“ We hear a beginning of the round ding, and cut to shots of Michelle manhandling Rib. At one point Jay says that she can grab the back of Rib's hair, and she totally yanks his head back. She has all the grace and finesse of a warthog. ”
Christina is , and Kwaku yells at her to have fun. She prissily whacks Rib with the pillow. Kwaku says that it was very hot. Naima says, "I got hair," as she gets some extensions that leave the shaved sides of her Mohawk in tact. So really, it's kind of like a very glamorous mullet. She tussles with Rib and says that it was very hard to keep her mind in the shoot because she was choking on feathers. A feather-covered Jay says that they all have hairballs and coughs. And don't try to convince us that you haven't tamed that gag reflex over the years, Mr. Jay. Despite the fact that she looks hot in her black undies, Rebecca says that her anxiety was building all day long and all she wanted to do was get the shot and get out of there. Kwaku tells her that she and Rib look sexy together. She appears to be doing well, and says that she put Todd's face on Rib's body. She struggled through, but says that the whole thing was more uncomfortable and emotional than one might expect. She picks feathers from her mouth. Kwaku says that Rebecca lost it, and could have been more aggressive. Rib leans his head on Jay's shoulder as they look over the photos.
is Michelle, and Jay tells everyone that she is a wrestler. We hear a beginning-of-the-round ding, and cut to shots of Michelle manhandling Rib. At one point Jay says that she can grab the back of Rib's hair, and she totally yanks his head back. She has all the grace and finesse of a warthog. Rib says that she was trying to pin him down, and if they had been in a wrestling match she would have won. She bounds off joyfully.
Tyra Mail! It's time for a judging. Rebecca interviews that she's never walked away from a shoot feeling like she's nailed it, and says that she hopes that she has a photo that will impress the judges. Meanwhile, Kahlen rips a brush through her hair in what sounds to be a quite painful way. And I know that UPN is cheap, but couldn't they spring for some leave-in conditioner? Jesus. She interviews that she might be the one going home, but I think we all know that's false. Tiffany sits on the couch with Keenyah and says that her grandma told her she was America's Top Model, but that she never thought they'd pick her because -- get ready for it -- she's from the ghetto. We flash back to her telling Tyra that she doesn't fit in, and Tyra saying that such feelings come from fear, and that Tiffany is transforming as a model and as a person. Tiffany gives Tyra a big hug. And wow, you guys! The great and benevolent Typrah Winbanks really, really cares. Back in the present Keenyah says, "Remember, you've been picked. You're wanted here," which I think is nicer and more succinct than anything that's ever come out of Tyra's mouth (including pork gristle).
A photo of Tyra dressed up as a sexy chicken leads us into judging. And I hear that shoot was a real mess because Tyra actually tried to deep fry and eat her own leg. Tyra, for once, is wearing an understated and elegant black strapless dress. And also, the fact that judging is beginning only thirty-five minutes into the episode gives us a hint that big, big things are about to occur. Even though I've watched it about a hundred times, I am still mad with anticipation and suspense. Tyra goes over the prizes and introduces the judges, of whom Boris Kodjoe is the guest. Tyra says that she "used to model with" Boris way back in the day, which is code for "screw till the weave hit the ceiling."
“ Janice says, 'Yes you can. Keep going.' Encouraging Janice! The woman has many layers, which is a good thing since she has said layers chemically peeled off on a regular basis. ”
For their individual evaluations, the girls must guest-host a mock special assignment for ANTM TV. They must give a status report on the happenings of Paris fashion week cold from a teleprompter. We then get what can only be described as a montage of idiocy and illiteracy. The first big stumbling block is the color "magenta," quickly followed by "chartreuse." And while they perhaps fall outside the realm of Roy G. BivI mean, come on. Michelle, Christina, and Kahlen take the early leads for dumbest in show. Janice sits back in her chair and sighs, perplexed that she could read better from across the room even after her eyes have been narrowed to papercut-thin slits from her last five facelifts. Things get decidedly worse when the girls must read the names of designers. Tatiana pronounces Christian Lacroix as "Christian Lox-roy." No one can pronounce "Hermes," but I will give them that that's a tricky one. Kahlen reads aloud the stage direction, "(Looks to the left.)" And you know, I think we must give proper credit to the miracle of natural selection, which sends the freakishly pretty and skinny people off to walk a fifty-foot strip, pose for hours on end, and kill off their remaining sparse brain cells with vats of cocaine while all the smart people take care of the important stuff. I don't know how George W. Bush fits into this theory, but try to suspend your disbelief for a minute or two. "Francais" trips up some of the girls, as does "au revoir."
And then, Tiffany. She reads the first sentence cautiously, and then pauses, saying, "I can't do this." Janice says, "Yes you can. Keep going." Encouraging Janice! The woman has many layers, which is a good thing since she has said layers chemically peeled off on a regular basis. Tiffany says she can't do it. Afterschool Special music starts to play, and Tyra says, "Why?" Janice tells her to just breathe and go through it. Tiffany shakes her head, and for all the world I thought she was going to cry out, "But Miss Tyra, I ain't never learned how to read! There weren't room for me in the one-room schoolhouse. In the ghetto, where I lives." Because come on, it's kind of perfect. And, we will soon find out, may actually be true. Tyra tells her that the other girls goofed plenty of the words, and that Tiffany should have fun with it and use her personality. Tiffany just shakes her head. Tyra asks if Tiffany wants to go home, and says that if she doesn't do the task, she will be sent back to the ghetto in a sketchy jitney. Tiffany begins to cry. Commercials.
And then it's time for our weekly visit from fucking Pigford, who tells us that her mother -- known to her as "Mommy" -- is one of her biggest inspirations, despite the fact that in last year's casting special she basically said that her parents sucked or abandoned her or something. They see The Gates. Mommy gets made up and looks even more porcine than Eva herself. They laugh and joke. Eva wants to make mommy proud. Mommy wants Eva to make lots of money and buy her a bigger house. It warms the cockles of me heart.
“ It's kind of ridiculous that the judges had to coax her into doing this challenge. As Tiffany walks out she says, 'Ugh. This is humiliating. More and more each week.' And if you don't know that participation on a reality show means ever-increasing abject humiliation, then you have bigger problems than illiteracy, my friend. ”
When we return, we see the last minute or so repeated. Tiffany, through tears, begins to read with aplomb, even though she is functionally illiterate. She reads "magenta" as "magnetic" and "chartreuse" as "charismatic." Throughout, the judges give her smiling faces of encouragement, because the key to handling someone who is likely to hurl a glass of frosty beverage at you is lots of coddling. When she gets to the list of model names, Tiffany is at a loss, and so improvises with her own name along with the names of some of the other girls. When she has to read "The Kaiser himself, Karl Lagerfeld," she reads "Tyra herself." Heh. When she finishes, the judges give her big applause and thumbs up. And I do think that it's kind of ridiculous that the judges had to coax her into doing this challenge. As Tiffany walks out she says, "Ugh. This is humiliating. More and more each week." And if you don't know that participation on a reality show means ever-increasing abject humiliation, then you have bigger problems than illiteracy, my friend. Tyra watches Tiffany with a concerned scowl. Because she cares!
The girls return for their evaluations. Nigel correctly pronounces "Hermes" and says that all of the girls must learn important names in the fashion industry. Janice cuts to the quick by saying, "None of you girls can read. Sorry." And given her bent towards kindness lately, I can only hope this inspires Janice to start a foundation for illiterate and otherwise intelligence-impaired models best known and widely renowned for its intensive esteem-building summer program, "Camp Die Motherfucker." Michelle is first up for evaluation. Despite the fact that she still looks like a linebacker, the judges love it. Tyra says that Michelle has a certain something that connects to the camera, and I swore that I'd get through one recap without referencing a she-nis, so I'm going to offer no comment on that one. Boris says that Brittany had the best energy of everyone, and that Brittany's willingness to be an out-there fool in her reading allowed the home audience to say, "She crazy but I like her." Janice gives a knowing, "Mmm." Tyra says that Brittany's photo is the best one yet, and Janice enthusiastically screams, "BEST ONE!" Tyra says that it's sexy as hell without being ho-ish. And I think that's a description that we all can strive for.
Rebecca was boring with no energy on her reading, and didn't find the light on the shoot. Janice balks at Nigel's comment that Rebecca's body looks great, saying that her lower half is completely distorted. And I love Janice, so won't comment on the irony of her calling anyone else's body parts distorted. Nol Flamb tells Keenyah that she needs to study her fashion dictionary because she slaughtered the names of the designers. Janice says that her breasts look nice, but her face is out of the picture. Keenyah explains that the photographer kept telling her to show off more of the bra, and for a second I think that maybe she will be the object of Tyra's smackdown. But Tyra just tells her to find the light. And I think that might have been easier if the shoot had been better lit. Janice makes fun of Kahlen's correspondent man-voice, and Nigel says that she was a good sport to get through it. The judges make fun of her oddly sticking-up hair in her photo, which really wasn't her fault at all. For once. Tyra notes that Jay said Kahlen was uncomfortable on the shoot and had never had a boyfriend. The rest of the judges are amused as Kahlen covers her eyes and says, "I plead the fifth!"
“ Nigel, who's apparently been taking classes at Nol Marin's school of animal similes (which Kahlen, as she reads this aloud, will doubtlessly pronounce 'smilies'), says that Brittany is like a wild horse who is finally beginning to tame herself. ”
Then, Tiffany. Janice says that she herself falls apart every so often, and that Tiffany fell apart. She continues that Tiffany had a defeatist attitude as she walked out, saying it just gets worse and worse every week. Tiffany says, "I said every week I humiliate myself weekly. I know what I said." Oooh, please tell me that she did not just sass Janice Dickinson. An unamused Janice says, "Hang on. I'm not done." She says that Tiffany looks great, but has a stank attitude. Tyra says that she shouldn't have to give Tiffany continuous prompts and encouragement to finish a task, and that in the real world people will just send her on her way and not care, which will be evident by the lack of screaming tirades. The judges say that she looks clearly uncomfortable in her shoot. The judges didn't like Naima's fake and overenthusiastic reading, which I will admit was a bit annoying. Janice says that she wasn't trying hard enough in her picture. Boris says that she didn't take the opportunity to show what she's got, and Naima replies, "I'll have to work harder."
Christina's read sounded like bad public access. Janice thinks her picture looks haughty rather than pretty, but Boris likes her natural chemistry with Rib. Nigel tells Tatiana that she's lacking in confidence, and Janice notes that she couldn't pronounce any of the designers and that she was "non-believable." At seeing Tatiana's picture, Janice says that you still have to work a camera even if you're in the middle of a pillow fight. Tyra then says, "Do it, Janice. Nigel's a model, and the light's up there." Janice then throws herself and poses over a surprisingly willing Nigel, who looks like he's angling for a big bite o' silicone. Janice says that Tatiana needs to sell her beautiful face, and Tatiana smiles because she likes hearing that she's pretty. Janice says to the exiting girls, "Au revoir, bitches!" which is totally replacing "she dead, but she whooped everybody's ass" as my epitaph.
The judges deliberate. Nigel, who's apparently been taking classes at Nol Marin's school of animal similes (which Kahlen, as she reads this aloud, will doubtlessly pronounce "smilies"), says that Brittany is like a wild horse who is finally beginning to tame herself. Tatiana, says Boris, is more of a girl than a woman. Naima can do better. Janice says that Keenyah looks the same, and makes a motion as if to decapitate her. Kahlen, says Nol, is stiff and boring like a frigid chicken. To which Tyra replies, "Mmm. Chicken." Janice says that there is no thought process to her posing, and I think that Janice's only fault here is not recognizing that Kahlen has no thought process period. Nol says that Rebecca is plain pasta in need of pesto. Janice thinks that Tiffany could be a couture model, but her attitude sucks. Tyra thinks that Tiffany wants it, but is also really intimidated and would rather bail before being told that she will fail. Boris says that Tiffany has a lot to offer, but doesn't believe in herself. Tyra says that something about Michelle is so wrong, but it's almost right if you add it up and throw a Y chromosome into the mix. Janice says, "Christina has a makeup face. She, like other girls, needs to snap out of thisthis weak sense of" She then looks at Nigel, who has tucked his top lip, and says, "And she has no upper lip." The judges agree that the girls have had a bad week, and have lost the hunger. Nigel says that they need a wake-up call to get the competition going again. Tyra looks thoughtful, like perhaps she is contemplating working herself up into a murderous rage.
“ I don't know if it's even possible to lift someone out of the heinous depths of feeling too worthless to participate on America's Top Model. That's like feeling that you're just not good enough for your charming and handsome boyfriend Mike Tyson. ”
The girls stand before Tyra, who tells them that they all basically sucked. Except, that is, for one exemplary model who stood out with her great photo and reading, and whom the other girls should watch out for. It is Brittany, who also receives the first photo. She looks proud and happy. Also still in the running are Keenyah, Naima, Michelle, Kahlen, Christina, and Tatiana. Janice gives an anguished, "Oh, God," before that last one. Will Tiffany and Rebecca please step forward? Rebecca stands before Tyra with a beautiful face and the best high-fashion body of the bunch. She wants it, but she hasn't progressed. Tiffany stands before Tyra, because everybody wants it more than she does. Her grandmother wants it so badly for her. And then, and I must quote, "Sometimes when our lives are so hard and so difficult and something that is so fantastic comes about, sometimes we feel like we're not worth it." And I don't know if it's even possible to lift someone out of the heinous depths of feeling too worthless to participate on America's Top Model. That's like feeling that you're just not good enough for your charming and handsome boyfriend Mike Tyson. Tyra says that the judges might think that Tiffany needs some time to build self-esteem and learn to love herself. Well, it is the greatest love of all, you know. Tyra says that it was a difficult decision, and that she's been put in a difficult place. And then she whips out a blank photograph, which means that both of the girls will pack their bags and go home. The rest of the girls look stunned. And that is a wake-up call, I guess, though one that was much better played by Donald Trump and Missy Elliott.
And then, the moment we've all been waiting for. Rebecca and Tiffany go to hug the other girls. Rebecca cries and hugs, and Tiffany hugs and tells the others not to cry. When she gets to Michelle she says, "You're breaking my back." Tyra then starts to get a really funny look on her face, like she does when the clerk at Boston Market tells her that they're out of gravy. We can sense something boiling inside, and not just the normal viscous slime that runs through her veins. She calls Tiffany and Rebecca back before her. She tells Rebecca that she admires her display of emotion because it's evident that the competition meant something to her. She is, however, extremely disappointed in Tiffany. We hear the sound of a big bass drum. And really, the only proper way to do this is to quote directly:
Tyra: This is a joke to you. You've been through anger management. You've been through your grandmother getting her lights turned off to buy you a swimsuit for your competition. And you go over there and you joke and you laugh. This is serious to these girls and this should be serious to you.
Tiffany: Looks can be deceiving. I'm hurt. I am. But, I can't change it, Tyra, I
Janice: Yes you can.
Tyra: You can't change what?
Tiffany: I'm sick of crying about stuff that I cannot change. I'm sick of being disappointed. I'm sick of all of it. I'm not
Tyra: You ain't sick of being disappointed, Tiffany. No, you're not. If you were sick of being disappointed, you would stand up and you would take control of your destiny. Do you know that you had a possibility to win? Do you know that all of America is rooting for you? Do you know that? And then you come in here and you treat this like a joke? You come in here and look at that and say "I can't read that"? You read ten times better than half of those girls over there!
“ It's cool to know that Tyra really, really cares enough to blow out her eardrum and berate her in front of her competitors and a nation. She's now going home to scream a whole lot at her grandma and child so they know just how much she loves them. ”
Nigel and Nol: You did, you did.
Tyra: And you come here with a defeatist attitude?
Tiffany: I don't have a bad attitude. Maybe I AM ANGRY INSIDE. I BEEN THROUGH STUFF, SO I'M ANGRY! [continues as Tyra begins]
Tyra: This is notbe quiet, Tiffany! BE QUIET! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? STOP IT!! I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE YELLED AT A GIRL LIKE THIS! WHEN MY MOTHER YELLS LIKE THIS IT'S BECAUSE SHE LOVES ME! I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! HOW DARE YOU! LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS! WHEN YOU GO TO BED AT NIGHT YOU LAY THERE AND YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF BECAUSE NOBODY'S GOING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOU. YOU ROLLIN' YOUR EYES YOU ACT LIKE IT'S 'CAUSE YOU HEARD IT ALL BEFORE. YOU HEARD IT ALL BEFORE? YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL I COME FROM. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH. BUT I'M NOT A VICTIM. I GROW FROM IT AND I LEARN. Take responsibility for yourself. [Tiffany turns and exits.]
And damn, I haven't seen Tyra really go off Susan Powter-style since Nol tried to sneak that last barbeque wing when he thought she wasn't looking. And not to steal Tyra's thunder, but I can't believe they didn't give us one Janice reaction shot throughout that whole thing. And alsocalm down, Tyra. And alsoit's your show. You're allowed to edit out the parts where you look like an idiot.
Rebecca says that she's never seen Tyra act that way, but she's angry because Tiffany treats the competition as a joke. As she's packing, Tiffany mumbles, "I'm not gonna break down for you or nobody else. You ain't done shit for me besides bring me here and put me through hell these weeks." Which, point. Rebecca says that Tyra might be right about Tiffany. Tiffany cries and says that she tried to hang in there for her grandma and her child. Rebecca is disappointed but grateful for the experience and excited about going home to get married. In an interview that appears to be filmed a bit later (specifically, after Tyra has given Tiffany a lump sum of cash), Tiffany says that she was being disrespectful, and that Tyra yelling at her really means that she does care. She has the utmost respect for Tyra, and it's cool to know that Tyra really, really cares enough to blow out her eardrum and berate her in front of her competitors and a nation. She's now going home to scream a whole lot at her grandma and child so they know just how much she loves them.
Coming up: Everyone is on edge after Tyra's freak-out. The models are put in the spotlight as they appear to interview each other. There is an exciting celebrity mystery guest. And a personal tragedy challenges the focus of Kahlen, who is standing in front of an empty grave.