Previously on America's Top Model: Brandy lost her big ol' 'fro but kept her big ol' 'tude and everybody knew it; Rebecca's eyes rolled back in her head and she fainted in the middle of judging, and not because of the usual Janice Dickinson "too many Quaaludes" reasons; and Sarah's lack of confidence (read: complete absence of remotely attractive facial features) got her sent home. Twelve girls remain, and one of them will soon have flesh-eating bacteria. Life is good.
Los Angeles. Cars are everywhere, using up the precious remnants of the world's fossil fuels. Rebecca sits in her bedroom. She explains to us that, at the panel she felt nauseated for a few seconds, and then got fuzzy black and white tunnel vision, and then -- and we once again see the footage -- she fainted backwards. This all happened so quickly that no one had time to yell "timber." She says that she's had vagus nerve problems since she was three, and that her condition is not fatal but can be scary. She says she's going to be okay. Lluvy asks if Rebecca still feels sluggish, and Rebecca says her shoulder hurts. If those other girls had been thinking, one of them totally could have put a stake/stiletto heel won as a challenge prize somewhere underneath Rebecca as she was falling. Rebecca interviews that her condition will not affect her modeling career, and that it's time to move on. And so we do.
The girls yawn. Brittany says that she was almost eliminated due to her sex-kitten vibe, and we see Tyra telling her that her photo looks like a porno cover. This is kind of baffling to me, since as soon as Brittany opens her mouth, it's apparent that she's a big old dork. Brittany wants to show that she has a different look, and does not want to look like someone who does porn, which is understandable.
Brandy is cooking while the other girls make a queue to use the phone. They decide to go from East Coast to West Coast due to time zone differences, and it's all very sensible and reasonable. Then comes Brandy. She says something unintelligible, which is kind of de rigueur for her. But basically, she wants to use the phone and is pissed off that the other girls have formed a line without her. They tell her that they've all been waiting, and she wasn't out there, so she is shit out of luck. Brandy is mad. Tatiana interviews that Brandy started freaking out, and Brittany interviews that she has an attitude problem. We can kind of see these things for ourselves, but thanks for the reinforcement, show. Also, shut up, Brandy. Brittany adds that Tiffany will often try to keep Brandy in check.
“ Tiffany talks about a girlfriend of hers who told her that it was better to be alive than to force her family and friends to have to tell people, 'She dead, but she whooped everybody's ass.' Actually I kind of want that to be my epitaph. ”
Tiffany interviews that Brandy looks up to her, and that Brandy reminds her of the old Tiffany -- the Tiffany who was crazy. And I will give you exactly one guess as to which flashback this narrative produces. Yes, it is a little something known as, "That skank ho poured the beer on my weave." And I think that makes about the seventh flashback this season. Tiffany doesn't want Brandy to become the crazy old Tiffany. We see Tiffany and Brandy talking, and Tiffany talks about a girlfriend of hers who told her that it was better to be alive than to force her family and friends to have to tell people, "She dead, but she whooped everybody's ass." Actually I kind of want that to be my epitaph. Tiffany says she doesn't fight anymore. Or, as she would say, no more. But she was born to fight! She ain't been knocked down yet. Okay, she totally has been knocked down. Tiffany says that she's glad she doesn't have to be hard and fight anymore, and she tells Brandy not to be the old Tiffany, "because that's not the right way to live." Brandy utters a contemplative "Shoot." I think we can all see where this is going.
Morning brings Tyra Mail: "Better be on point because I have no time for nonsense. Be ready at 12:00 PM." The girls give puzzled looks and someone speculates that it's interviews. The girls walk in a building named "The Dancers Studio." Lluvy interviews that standing there was a short little man with a beard and a cane, which was, according to her, "the best thing ever." I wonder about Lluvy. The man introduces himself as Stefan Wenta (pronounced VEN-ta), ballet instructor. He says he's going to introduce them to their first ballet class. The girls emerge, and it is clear that nothing makes a person look huger than leotards, white tights, and ballet slippers. Tyra, please make a mental note to avoid these. Stefan says that the girls are going to learn how to use their bodies as instruments of expression, and that very good models must be form-conscious and know at any given moment how they look. We get a shot of Naima, who we remember from the casting special has ballet training. The girls do some poses. We then hear some vaudevillian music as Stefan corrects each of the girls on their form by hitting them with his hand and cane. HIT HARDER! He tells Kahlen that she's stiff and tense, but that's normal. Ah, the human condition from the point of an eastern European ballet instructor. Lluvy interviews, "Let go, please, little man, sir, Stefan, don't come beat me up. I was so scared!" I'm sorry, but there was no way Lluvy was ever in a gang. We see Stefan rap Lluvy on the shoulder, and then say she's lucky he's such a gentleman.
“ Stefan tells Tiffany that the discipline is good for her and may help her control other things in her life. I think that the show must give each of the guests a briefing in which 'That skank ho poured the beer on my weave' is prominently featured. ”
Stefan recognized that Naima had some ballet training. She interviews, "I hope so, I have been dancing for a few years" and laughs. I think they want to make us believe that she's the Yaya, but she's totally not. Stefan coaches a stiff-looking Tiffany, telling her that the discipline is good for her and may help her control other things in her life. I think that the show must give each of the guest instructors/photographers a briefing in which "That skank ho poured the beer on my weave" is prominently featured. A serious-looking Tiffany interviews, "I'm not used to controlling my body, my body controls me. So, this is really hard for me." Her body controls her? So, like, she starts walking down the street and just ends up in a completely different section of town because her legs do whatever they want to do? Or is this just supposed to give her license to whoop everybody's ass? "I couldn't help it! I have no control over my punching fists!" The girls leave the ballet studio.
The girls enter the Pacific Dining Car restaurant, and Hideous Christina the Head Louse says that they wanted to have a night out with the girls to let loose. I guess the lesson learned here is to be careful what you wish for, particularly when you're with someone who has had beer poured on her weave repeatedly in flashback. The girls talk about what to order and Tiffany looks uncomfortable. She interviews, "I never been to a nice place like this." Oh my word, a restaurant with waiters! And they don't even ask if you want to Biggie size it when you order! I mean, come on, now. At the table, Tiffany says in no uncertain terms, "I don't get drunk no more. No more. I act like a fool when I get drunk, you know, so I don't drink anymore." Then, in a strange twist of events, Rebecca orders a glass of chardonnay, and Tiffany says, "Same here." See, she can't even control which words come out of her mouth! They form the shape against her will, and then conspire with her vocal chords to do something that she says she no longer does! Funny music plays as Tiffany downs some more wine. Brandy says, "Dag, Tiffany!" And you know when Brandy says, "Dag, [your name here]," you are in trouble. Naima gives a funny look.
Tiffany appears to have a lot of food left on her plate. She starts to go into Phase 3 of a drunken evening (preceded by Phase 1: ordering a drink with the anticipation of being totally in control; and Phase 2: being energetic and funny but not yet embarrassing), the loving drunken ramble. She quotes, "If you get cut before me, if I get cut before you, I want you to go home knowing that you [Kahlen], you [Naima], you [Rebecca], and even you [Michelle -- and who wants to be known as "even you?"] have touched me, have made me think different about a lot of things. I love you. I do." The others look on in amusement. Tiffany then enters into Phase 4: gratuitous divulgence into the hardships of her past. Tiffany spends a lot of her life in Phase 4, I think. "Six months ago, I wouldn't have been here. I've been changed so much."
“ Brandy then proves that there is such a thing as a stupid question by asking, 'What kind of attitude should you have?' As if Beverly Johnson is going to say, 'You should be a complete and total asshole.' ”
The morning, the girls load up in their van and go to a restaurant called Il Cielo. They walk in and see one Miss Beverly Johnson, the world's first black supermodel. She introduces herself; some, but not all, of the girls clearly know who she is. We see photos of Beverly, one of which looks like a recent nude one, and is kind of scary if you pause on it for too long. Present-day Beverly has long, straight hair that is parted down the middle, and a face that looks like it's no stranger to Dr. . In short, she is Black Cher. I know she's beautiful and all, but I can't look at her without going, "Oh my God! A black female impersonator doing Cher!" And I really believe that, and am not just mentioning it as a way to get in the fact that I impulsively bought tickets to see Cher's penultimate concert in L.A. I'm coming for you, Mama! Beverly tells us that she was the first African-American to grace the cover of Vogue in August, 1974, which made history. Beverly Johnson is certainly not shy about her accomplishments. Keenyah says that it's empowering to be sitting to a woman who's accomplished so much.
Beverly tells an anecdote about going on a shoot with a verbally abusive photographer for Glamour, and how she was practically in tears. Foreshadowing tugs its ear. Tiffany commiserates, and says that she would have broke down like a baby, or else thrown up in the photographer's soup. She interviews, "Miss Beverly Johnson's really an inspiration to me. And I think she looks like me a little bit." It appears that the editors have chosen to downplay Tiffany's retinitis pigmentosa. Brandy then proves that there is such a thing as a stupid question by asking, "What kind of attitude should you have?" As if Beverly Johnson is going to say, "You should be a complete and total asshole." Idiot. Brandy says that she wouldn't say she has a bad attitude (at this the other girls give each other glances that say, "she is so full of shit"), but that sometimes she gets to the point where she wants to tell people off. Beverly says that in the modeling industry, there are photographers and editors and stylists who are very temperamental (read: gay), so one shouldn't take anything personally. Lluvy interviews that Beverly answered all of the girls' questions and was amazing. Beverly bids the girls adieu, and goes to watch the video of her tearful and heartfelt eulogy for Black Sonny.
Tyra Mail! "You are in control of your own destiny. Be ready at 1:00." The girls talk once again about how they can never guess what the Tyra Mails mean. We see a tennis court with a photographer and a few assistants. Michelle notes that The Dowager Jay Manuel was nowhere to be seen. And I think we all know that this is too good to be true. Cut to a shot of Jay watching a small television. He voices over (undoubtedly because he kept flubbing his lines on camera) that what the girls don't know is that this is a challenge, and that he's going to be watching them to see who can handle extreme pressure. Photographer Alex Reznick tells us that he was instructed to tear the girls to shreds. And I have to say: nice. Jay -- using the theatrical acumen he picked up during the Cover Girl Tip of the Week years -- tells us that the situation is realistic, and that sometimes the photographer is a jerk and the clients hate you. All you have control over, he says, is how well you do: "Prove to them [hand motion pointing behind him]...that you're [hand motion pointing at us] the star." Sigh. He's such an idiot that I'm almost growing bored of mocking him.
“ Kahlen goes into the holding room and cries that she doesn't understand why a person would be so rude and mean to anyone. It's called life, Turnip Truck. ”
The photographer tells the girls that they'll be doing a tennis-oriented action shoot for a local fitness magazine, and that time is limited, so they have to be ready to go. Kahlen is first, and she explains that the allotted five minutes was not enough to wrangle her rat's nest of a weave, so by the time she got to the court she was already frustrated. Alex tells her to incorporate the ballet movements learned yesterday, and shows Kahlen her mark. She is confused about where her body should be, and Alex looks at her as if she's an idiot. Kahlen looks downtrodden, de-engergized, and moody. Alex harshly gives her some instructions, and then yells at her. She goes into the holding room and cries that she doesn't understand why a person would be so rude and mean to anyone. It's called life, Turnip Truck.
Tatiana is and gets the same treatment. Alex has a real knack for making morons look even more moronic. Tatiana interviews that it feels like her confidence has been thrown out of a moving car and run over a couple of times. That is a Dan Rather metaphor if I've ever heard one. Noelle says that she wanted to slap Alex upside his half-balding head. Naima says that Alex got more neurotic as the shoot progressed, and that she had to laugh at him. Jay says that Naima did a good job keeping cool on the surface. Alex calls Michelle graceless, and Jay notes that she started crying as she left the shoot. In the holding room, Michelle notes that, as models they are all going to have to deal with assholes. Which, again, is not so much different than actual life. Jay says that Keenyah held her composure pretty well. And then, it is the turn of Hideous Christina the Head Louse. And while I will grant you that she has looked nice in some of her photos, her pulled back hair and tennis outfit totally make her look like Skeletor, The Head Louse. Or, Karen Carpenter. Alex tells her to loosen up her lips. That would be possible if only she had lips. He then gives his best line of the shoot: he talks into a little tape recorder and says, "Note to self: do not print this roll, please." HA!
Tatiana interviews that the girls knew Tiffany was coming up , and were hoping that she'd hit Alex in the head with her racket. They look on with anticipation. Alex berates her, and Tiffany interviews that she thought she was going to a regular old shoot, but "this fool keep bothering me." He makes some weird percussive noises and yells, "Dance! Dance! Dance!" She interviews, "He had me doing some dumb-ass jumping move that ain't have nothing to do with tennis." Alex tells her that she's giving him attitude, which is totally a set-up. He then says something about leaving her attitude at home with Grandma. She takes the bait and gets a little lippy. He tells her to leave. In the holding room with the other girls, she laughs about it. She says she wishes so could do it over and laugh at everything he said. Lluvy is , and looks kind of pretty, if not particularly tennis-adept.
“ And then into the room walks Serena Williams. The girls are pleased and impressed. And I'm sorry, but if Michelle and Serena ever hooked up it would be a hotbed of backdoor action, because there is nary a girl part between them. ”
And Naima is, for the second consecutive time, Cover Girl of the Week. Go Naima! I must confess that she's my favorite. And America's favorite, too!
For some inexplicable reason, we return to a close-up of tennis balls, and then cut back to the balls sitting in a hopper. Because there's nothing that says anger like neon yellow felt. Brandy is still yelling. She continues on a slight variation of her soliloquy: "And if we could hit people your ass would be tore up right now but because we cain't, then I'm-a sit up in this chair and respect you." Christina looks on, bug-eyed and nervous. Naima tells Brandy that they are in someone else's house. Read: calm it down, Mr. Furious. Brandy says she doesn't even care, and Naima says, "Baby, you should care," as she walks away. See, that is cool under pressure. Tatiana interviews that Brandy has a bad attitude and doesn't belong there. Oh, go chomp on some Freedent, Gummy Gumdrops. I know that Brandy is in the wrong here, but Tatiana still irritates the crap out of me. Brandy looks sullen, and is maybe thinking about how she really just fucked everything up for herself.
The girls all go onto the court, where Jay Manuel greets them and tells them that they've been punked. He laughs that Tiffany looked like she wanted to throttle Alex, but she didn't. "But I wanted to!" she laughs. See, Tiffany actually has a sense of humor about herself. Alex gets to pick the winner, who will get to go to a special dinner with a special mystery guest. Naima is the winner, and she picks Kahlen and Tiffany to accompany her. They get all dressed up and go to the Pig N' Whistle restaurant, and try to guess who their special guest will be. And then into the room walks Serena Williams. The girls are pleased and impressed. And I'm sorry, but if Michelle and Serena ever hooked up it would be a hotbed of backdoor action, because there is nary a girl part between them. Serena speaks, and it is the voice of a pre-op transsexual on estrogen. She gives Naima a signed racket for her victory. Serena hugs Naima and nearly breaks her back, and then moves into a little girly pose. And it is when she does stuff like that and wears really short, tight, girly dresses that Serena Williams is at her manliest. She's an incredible athlete, but the woman would benefit from covering up a little, and also by avoiding anything that looks like it might be sold at the drag queen store.
Serena tells the girls that they are all pretty. Tiffany interviews that at first she didn't think she'd be able to relate to Serena. This is one instance in which you will not be hearing Tiffany say, "And I think she looks a little like me." Serena says that she is a fashion designer and has her own company, Aneres, which is her name spelled backwards. I take a minute to do the letters in my head, but then am astounded by how much Serena Williams looks not only like a drag queen, but a really bad drag queen. She offers to give the girls a few tips. They walk for her, and her commentary on each is basically the same, "Your walk is hot! Good job." At Tiffany's walk, she says in a high-pitched (for her) voice, "I like it! It's sexy! That is sexy!" And if you close your eyes you'd swear it's Dame Edna. Tiffany interviews that it took her a while to loosen up, but she finally did, and that Serena is nothing like she expected. I guess she was expecting a woman. She then interviews that it feels great to be on the show, and that she's learning a whole lot. Serena bids them adieu.
“ Christina's mouth, as usual, is cramped in her tennis photo. Janice says that she looks like she's getting ready for Botox injections, and then demonstrates how it's done. Cut to Beverly, herself no stranger to the 'tox. ”
Brandy interviews that after the Tatiana confrontation, she knows there will be talking behind her back, but that she's there, so "let the games begin." Brandy yells at Tatiana some more backstage. She says that they both apologized to each other yesterday, and that she doesn't like that Tatiana won't stop talking about it behind her back. Tiffany interviews that she intervened because Brandy was in Tatiana's face like she was going to hit her, and she doesn't want Brandy to get kicked off the show. Naima says that they are arguing about something petty, and Tiffany starts yelling that everyone gangs up on Brandy every day. She interviews that Brandy is like her little sister, and that she protects her. Tiffany then yells at the girls, "I'm in the anger management, but I'm not gonna let nobody just keep coming at me with angry-ness." I weep for public education in America. Tiffany interviews that Brandy tends to bring out the old Tiffany. "All y'all bitches evil," says Tiffany as we cut to commercial.
And more of the Life of Eva at New York fashion week. She meets Will Smith, she counts the change in her pocket, she hangs out with J. Alexander, she is photographed, she dances with Toccara. Oh, every week I just hate her a little more. I think that Cover Girl might have overestimated the appeal of these ads.
Meanwhile, back in bitch-land, Tiffany tells Tatiana not to provoke Brandy when she knows that Brandy is angry. Tatiana says that she was just telling what happened like anybody would do. As they walk off the set together, Tiffany tells Brandy not to get in anyone's face. Naima explains to us for the umpteenth time that Tiffany used to be a thug, but she's now very protective and motherly. At home, the girls get some Tyra Mail about the upcoming eliminations. Tiffany interviews that she has a new strategy: "I'm being Tiffany. And either love it or hate me for it." Does this mean she's a bad-ass again? Yeehaw!
We are transitioned into panel by a shot of the thirteenth sign of the zodiac, "Tyra the Alien." Tyra talks about the prizes and introduces the judges, who are Janice Dickinson, Nigel Barker, Flamb (Nol) Marin, and guest judge Beverly Johnson, who Tyra says is one of her idols. For evaluations, the way that the girls performed with the abusive photographer will be their judging test. Michelle is first, and gets further abuse for her tennis shots, even though the judges ooh at her zodiac shot, which half-wit Flamb calls "sparkadelicious." Naima looks cute in her tennis pics, but the judges are unimpressed with how unapparent her ballet training is in her zodiac shot. Tatiana's tennis pics are so-so, and the judges love her zodiac shot. Tyra tells Brittany that she looks beautiful tonight, even though her face is shinier than a new hubcap. Flamb tells her that her tennis shot lacks grace and poise, but the judges agree that she has gone from porn star to model in her zodiac shot. Brandy approaches the panel with stink-face, which Tyra notes along with Brandy's penchant for throwing attitude. The judges love her pictures once again, but still hate the attitude. Beverly tells Keenyah that her tennis shots should never be seen by anyone, but the judges love her zodiac shot. And I have to say that I think Keenyah is this season's sleeper.
Kahlen's tennis photos stink, and the photographer noticed her lack of confidence. Kahlen says that some of his comments "hit hard on her heart," which is too queer for words. Flamb tells her to get used to it. Her zodiac photo, however, is gorgeous. Christina's mouth, as usual, is cramped in her tennis photo. Janice says that she looks like she's getting ready for Botox injections, and then demonstrates how it's done. Cut to Beverly, herself no stranger to the 'tox. Christina's zodiac photo is soft and pretty, especially in the eyes. Janice tells Noelle to take down her poodle updo, and the judges dislike both sets of photos. The judges grill Tiffany on her reaction to the photographer, and we get the six-months-ago spiel. Her tennis photos elicit an "ouch, ooey" from Janice, but everyone agrees that she worked the crab claws like a pro. And then, poor Lluvy. She gets slammed for being expressionless in her tennis photos, despite her twitchiness in person, and then told she looks like a dead fish in her zodiac shot. We see a close-up, and her makeup in the shot is ridiculous. One of her eyes is surrounded in yellow and the rest of her face is covered in sequin scales. I would like to see Tyra try to look good with that shit on her face. It's ridiculous. The judges hate it. Rebecca is back and strong, and the judges think her Virgo is pedestrian and needs to be more sensual. I actually think she looks really pretty. Janice says, "Tyra, when you're struttin' down the runway doing Victoria's Secret wearing those bat wings, what are you thinkin'?" "I ain't thinkin' I'm no virgin," replies Tyra. But the funniest thing about that exchange was that Janice called the big angel wings "bat wings." Foiled again, Tyra!
The judges deliberate. Beverly thinks that Tatiana has potential. Janice yells that Michelle looks like Jay Leno. Boy, do I love Janice. Keenyah's face is to die for. Rebecca's picture is okay but not great. Lluvy gets panned. Janice says that Flamb could have served it better with a pound of sequins on his face, and he says, "I have." Tyra says that it's one of the worst photos in the history of ANTM. Brittany is awesome and has progressed. Brandy has a strong and exotic face, but is also like "death warmed up" in person. Janice says that Brandy is so angry, but so damned beautiful in the face. I agree with one of those statements. No one is impressed with Naima. Janice says, "No Prancer, no Dancer, no Donder, no Blixen." And I mean, "Blixen." I can only imagine the roofie-induced fairy tales she told to her kids. Beverly doesn't believe that Naima is a ballerina. She then says that Noelle could be hot if she made a transformation. Yeah, into a completely different person. Nigel says Noelle doesn't know how to model at all. Tyra says that Kahlen is an insecure girl with high self-esteem in the making. I think Tyra's dipped into Janice's stash a little, because that makes no sense. Tiffany is striking, and worked the claws. Nigel thinks that Christina's is one of the best pictures of the bunch. Beverly adds, "But, I think it's really important in today's look to have a mouth. If you don't have one by birth, get it." Tyra points at Janice, who is clapping. And now we must officially decree that Beverly is awesome.
There are twelve girls, but only eleven photos in Tyra's hands. Continuing on the journey to become America's Top Model are: Brittany, Keenyah, Michelle, Kahlen, Christina, Rebecca, Tatiana, Naima, Tiffany, and Noelle. Will Lluvy and Brandy please step forward? Brandy, you have a stank attitude. Lluvy, yours is the worst picture ever in existence. But Brandy actually threatened to kick someone's ass, so Lluvy is still in the running. So long, Brandy! Tiffany starts crying. Brandy turns around and walks out without any goodbyes. She says that she doesn't regret anything, and that if they would have taken time to look past what they thought was attitude, they might have seen the real Brandy. She writes Tiffany a note, and says that she will miss Tiffany, who became the big sister she always wanted. As the lights go down in the city, Hamburglar steals Tatiana's wallet. That boy sticks by his peeps, yo.
week: if you thought that flesh-eating bacteria would never become a plot line in a reality show, well, you'd be wrong.