The Girl Who Forgot Her Shoes

Previously on America's Top Model: Cassie had an "obsession with her body" (e.g. bulimia), and Norelle struggled on the runway, going so far as to fall in a Heatherette fashion show. Kelle stank up her photos for the umpteenth consecutive time, and was booted as a result. Eight girls remain!

New York, New York! The city that never shuts up! While Eva, Norelle, and Ann jump around on their beds and giggle in the Pink Positive room, Cassie does leg lifts in her underwear. She interviews that she's not having fun, and that her "heart is hurting" because she's sad and misses her family and her boyfriend. I'll tell you what I don't miss: dating men. Here's why. Cassie talks to her boyfriend, C.J., on the phone and tells him that if she wins the competition she'll have to move to New York, and that a budding model has no time for a boyfriend because she's working all the time. C.J. says, "You gotta do what you gotta do." Cassie asks if C.J. would come with her. "Am I going to come with you?" C.J. asks incredulously. "I'm not just going to pick up and leave." Cassie says that she doesn't want to let C.J. go. Cassie? Let him go. He's a douche.

Cut to Toccara and Yaya. Toccara seriously has a seven-course meal -- including a whole rotisserie chicken -- beside her bed. Yes, I said "a whole rotisserie chicken." Yaya says that Toccara will get sick if she leaves her food out like that. Toccara says that she does it all the time, because she might want to have a snack in the middle of the night. Her mom apparently eats in her sleep all the time, and to illustrate this point, Toccara feigns sleep and tries to take a bite out of her book (and one can only imagine that the title of her book is Food: And the Various Ways to Eat It). I am all for Toccara, but keeping a stockpile of food beside your bed -- including things, like an entire chicken, that should be refrigerated -- is just gross. Toccara says that she loves herself and her shape. People may say that America is not "ready" (and here she appears to make finger quotes and then give a little two-finger sign off) for a plus-size supermodel, but Toccara wants to break that mold. As Janice would, and actually, I think, has said, "Well, she's going to break something, that's for sure."

In the kitchen, Toccara eats some more. Chomp, chomp, chomp. She says that she doesn't want to stay in her category, but wants to break through and model in "straight" sizes. I can see why she doesn't want to be marginalized, since these are the sizes that can legally marry. Norelle interviews that she wishes she were more like Toccara, because Toccara is fabulous and has confidence in herself. Norelle then points out a roll on her own belly, which is seriously, like, skin. She says she's more flabby than ab-by. Toccara takes another bite of ice cream and rolls her eyes. I have to say that I think it would be kind of fun to be the plus-sizer in a house of models. You could just eat all the time while the skinny girls looked at you and salivated.

Phone call! A voice recording disguising itself as Tyra informs Yaya that the girls need to get together and meet her for a challenge. They should dress like they're going in front of the judges, wear comfortable shoes, and also bring high heels. Note that they have exactly three things to remember, two of which are in the same category. You know how your stomach shrinks when you don't eat much? I am developing a similar theory about the brain. The Top Model girls are my test subjects. Yaya wakes up the others. It is worth noting that Ann sleeps with a teddy bear and Amanda sleeps in a purple teddy.

The girls meet Tyra, who tells them that they have been working hard the past few weeks, and now it's time to send them out to the sharks. Finally, a photo shoot of terror! The last one alive (or with more remaining limbs) wins the competition. I like where this is headed. No, actually, the girls will be heading out to do go-sees (you "go see" a client to let them know that you are alive, and have not, in fact, been eaten by sharks). Tyra gives them their brand-new portfolios, full of the photos from the past several weeks, which garners a giant squeal. Eva interviews that she was stoked, and that having a portfolio really makes you feel like you're a model. As does abject humiliation, degradation, and the objectification of your physical being, but we'll get to that soon enough. And also? The portfolios are, like, spiral binders with clear pocket folders. Granted, I am no fashion insider, but these seem easy enough to make at Kinko's. Ann interviews that she has the worst portfolio, as we are treated to a dramatic flashback of her most recent judges' critique. They should consider adding a little reverb for effect in those flashbacks: "Out of all the girls, you were the worst (worst worst worst worst worst worst)." Ann says that she feels good about the go-sees, because the focus is on your person and not on pictures. Ann says that people like her in person, and that she's pretty in person. And we know that we can call bullshit on at least one of those claims.

Tyra tells the girls that they will be judged on their overall looks. She says that this is the modeling industry, so the focus is on the physical. She kind of throws her hands up at this. The girls will also be judged on their walks and personality. At the mention of the word "personality," Cassie kind of looks down puffily as if thinking, "I am so screwed." Tyra says, "Whoever gets the most praise gets...a rack of clothes from each designer that you see today." Which totally makes it sound like it's one rack from each designer, which would be five racks total. TyPaul (Tyra's alter drag queen ego) interviews that the girls are so lucky because she has set up go-sees with five of New York's top designers. And in this case, "top designer" is a bit analogous with "top model," so you don't have to be too impressed. The designers are Diane von Furstenberg, Nanette Lepore, Marc Bouwer, Cynthia Rowley, and Nicole Miller.

Ann says that in go-sees she knows that she has to give off the impression that she is someone with whom the designers would want to work. As opposed to the correct impression, which is that she is a psychotic closet case. Ann introduces herself to Nicole Miller, who compliments her on her shirt. Nicole says that they're looking for someone with a "young, peppy" look. They're going to outfit Ann and see how she walks. The other girls follow one by one. Nicole asks Yaya how she got her unusual name. Yaya says, "It's actually really common in West Africa." There's been lots of forum debate about whether Yaya is being a snooty asshat here, but I actually think that she's just answering the question. She does not, however, mention that her first name is actually Camara, so feel free to go back to hating her now. Toccara says that Nicole Miller's clothes are great, that they fit her, and that she feels "very wonderful" in them. Norelle interviews that she doesn't think she's the most beautiful girl there, and that she's still the "funny, retarded, dorky girl." She hopes that the designers see some sort of potential in her. At this, Nicole gives Norelle a big "No, no," and tells her to walk more assertively.

Amanda interviews that she wanted to slap herself (Do it! Do it!) when she realized that all the other girls had high heels with them and she had none. Eva says to her, "You of all people forget your shoes." Hee! Maybe they're in the drawer with her crystals. Norelle loaned Amanda her shoes but, Amanda says, they were 1.5 sizes too small, so she had a weird, uneven walk. And oh my god, I just paused on Amanda in her interview, and with her hair pulled back she totally looks like a latter-day Dee Snider of Twisted Sister (when he started rocking the weird mullet). She interviews that she needed to do something to increase her confidence. Ann interviews that Amanda needed to go buy herself some shoes, and that everyone else wanted to go, because who doesn't love shoe shopping? Eva, Ann, Toccara, and Cassie all go with her. Which, if it was just a Saturday afternoon, fine. But they're kind of in the middle of working. I cut them no slack. Cassie interviews that they had fifteen minutes before their go-see. I'm sorry, but they are so dumb.

Yaya interviews that, since they are in the midst of a competition, not all of the girls were "running around." Yaya, Nicole, and Norelle went straight to their Nanette Lepore go-see. Yaya says, "I understand if one person needs to get a pair of shoes, but the fact that it turned into a field trip...I was not happy with." And I totally agree with what she's saying, but, as is so often the case, the way in which she says it is just so irritating. Ann interviews that they had fifteen minutes, and that she thinks they were there "a little longer." This is, in fact, true, because they come out of the store and their van is gone. Ha! Suckers. I'm sure this was totally planned, but I love it nonetheless. The best part of it all is that they don't know where their go-see is. I'm sorry, but they have a car -- in New York City -- to chauffer them to their appointment and they not only blow their ride but also have no idea where they're going ? Oh, tiny brains! The girls go back up into Nicole Miller's office, where they harass the staff. They are totally in a panic and not acting cool at all. While Ann manages to get an address from a receptionist, Eva is checking with another woman in a small office who says, "Am I supposed to help you?" Eva yells, "Please!" Meanwhile, the others want to leave, but Ann refuses to leave without Eva. They are causing quite a stir. The girls collect Eva and run down the street. Poor Nicole Miller and her staff. Commercials. And Toccara is once again the Cover Girl of the Week. I'm just saying that the people have spoken, and they love Toccara. ["She even carried all the swing states!" -- Wing Chun]

is Diane von Furstenberg, and I have to confess that I do have a bit of a weakness for lovely Diane von Furstenberg dresses. Diane herself sits in a chair in a nonchalant European way and judges the girls. She's like Teresa Heinz Kerry meets Anas Nin. I know this is icky, but there's something about her that makes you just know that she gets a lot, even at age ninety-two, or however old she is. She says to Ann, "Just wear the dress and look beautiful and easy." The girls wear the lovely, lovely dresses. So pretty! As Eva walks, Diane says, "When I cast a show, I like girls to have their own...personality, in a sense. And of course they must know how to walk." Norelle interviews that she's proud that she didn't fall. Diane notes that Norelle can't walk, but that "even the real models can't walk." Heh. I think that Diane secretly hates models and thinks that they are far, far beneath her. This is something that we have in common. ["Except for the 'secretly' part, in your case. Hee." -- Wing Chun] Diane asks her wardrobe people if they have anything for Toccara, and then tells them to outfit her in black. And Toccara looks really great in her black wrap dress. Diane interviews, "Toccara, she would be a good model for people who...would want that kind of a girl." E.g., Toccara is fat, and probably not fit for a Diane von Furstenberg show. Second verse, same as the first. ["Which is kind of unfortunate, because wrap dresses are extremely flattering on larger women with big bazooms. I hear. From a friend of mine." -- Wing Chun]

is Cynthia Rowley -- who, much like the font of her logo and the notecards that she designs for Target, is cute. Amanda says that she worships at the alter of Cynthia. Cynthia says, "I like your shooooes." Amanda says that she just got them today. Cynthia is impressed that she had time to go shopping. Cynthia says, "Niiiiiice. They're cuuuuute." Girls walk. On Norelle, Cynthia mumbles on the sly to her compadre, "She can't walk." Funky dance music accompanies Yaya, and Cynthia says, "Perfect." Yaya annoyingly turns and flips out her dress. Oh, shut up. Cynthia also says "perfect" of Ann, who is wearing some sort of Sonny and Cher-inspired fur vest with menswear pants, exposing her rock-hard abs. Toccara comes flouncing out in a hideous dress that actually appears to be too loose on top. She gets blank stares from Cynthia and friends. She interviews, "The dresses in my size are really big with no shape and no form. I have to work twice as hard just to be on the same level as the other girls." Except in the area of dieting, bless her soul.

It is night. The girls are tired. They are at their last visit with greasy-haired prick Marc Bouwer, who loves taking himself seriously more than anything. He kind of hovers over the girls, giving them direction as they walk and scoffing at their blunders. He says that Toccara is a movie star. To Amanda he says, "Okay, let's try to walk without tripping this time," and purses his lips. He loves Ann and says she's runway-ready. He also likes Yaya's confidence. He tells Cassie, "I think your thighs are a little big for this dress. I'm going to have you walk in it with the zipper open." He interviews that his biggest concern with Cassie was the size of her hips. He then actually whips out a tape measure and says, "I just want to measure your thighs just to see where you're at." 35" around is the size that he likes. Cassie thinks she's right at that. Wrong! Cassie is 39". And, like many a viewer, this totally blew my mind and made me bust out my tape measure. And seriously, I'm 5'9" and kind of have the body of an emaciated thirteen-year-old boy, and apparently even my thighs are too big for a Marc Bouwer dress. Marc Bouwer may just be exalting the industry standard, but I still hate him. And this incident totally shows the cause and effect of why Cassie starves herself.

Back at the apartment, Ann tells Yaya that she and the three others who were in her van are all getting into the Jacuzzi together naked. Yaya says, "We are having a party in our lounge...So how about you have your party and we'll have ours?" in a way that indicates that she would never voluntarily share bathwater with them. She tells Nicole that they are out of control. Amanda interviews that the girls got into the hot tub together, which was fun and nice and "brings out your bad side." The girls, who are in bikinis and not naked at all, squeal and splash and covertly rub each others' thighs under the water. Ann laughs and rests her forehead on Norelle's back. Meanwhile, Yaya, Toccara, and Nicole are all dressed up and toast with, like, a glass of cognac. They toast, "To all that [sic] have left, and to those who will remain." I'm sorry, but the hot tub party -- while not quite living up to viewer expectations of hotness -- looks like so much more fun.

Meanwhile, Cassie has no friends. She talks to her mom on the phone and interviews that she found out that her uncle is really sick, which is making her question whether she should be there. Her mom says something about her uncle doing better and being on antibiotics. You know that he has, like, a sinus infection, and Cassie's all, "Family emergency! I have to go!" Her mom tells Cassie to give it all she's got, so that she doesn't have any regrets. Cassie interviews that she doesn't want to be there, but doesn't want to be known as the girl who quits. So much better to be known as the bulimic head case.

Tyra Mail! Yaya announces it and drags the others out of the hot tub, calling them nasty asses. As Ann comes running out with a bikini top in hand (not hers, sadly) Yaya says to her, "Ew ew ew, go stay over there please." Mind your manners, there, Rudy Huxtable. "From week to week, the stress is getting worse and worse and tomorrow, you'll double over from all the strain." Yaya repeats, "You'll double over from all the strain..." trying to figure out what they'll be doing. Cassie, who is also clad in a towel though we never saw her in the hot tub (and, in fact, it's probably not wide enough to accommodate her hips), interviews that she is still going to give 100% in front of the camera.

day. The girls get to the photo shoot and, as Yaya says, "There's this dude waiting for us." It's actually Miss J., who is clad in a ten-year-old white kid's interpretation of macho hip-hop gear. He even has a tiny little band-aid on his forehead. Miss J. says that Jay Manuel will not be there today, so they have someone else to direct the shoot. And like so many viewers, I was too caught up in joy at this announcement to realize what was actually happening. The new person comes out and is obviously a drag queen. I was like, "Awesome! They're getting schooled by a drag queen." Cassie interviews that a woman walked out and she thought, "This is a really ugly woman." Then the drag queen opens her mouth, and it becomes apparent that it's The Dowager Jay. And again, like so many viewers', my hopes were dashed. I was seriously so disappointed at seeing Jay that I couldn't even speak. When the girls realize it's Jay, they squeal. Cassie says that she was "just like...gross. Because he looked like a woman, and that's not stuff you see every day in Oklahoma." Because Oklahoma hates the gays. Yes, we know.

Jay says that this is the one and only time he will dress like a woman "...to illustrate a point." Ha! Because you know he dresses like a woman for fun (or to pick up the straight dudes) all the time. Also? Like he was that manly to begin with. And he really does make an ugly drag queen, even in the context of ugliness that defines a small-town drag queen. Jay says that this shoot is about the power of transformation. The girls will be doing two shots dressed up as two extremely opposite personas. The photos will be combined into a composite, and the girls' challenge is to make it seem like the two alter egos are interacting. There is an example using drag queen Jay and regular Jay, and it's hard to tell which is the queeniest. All of the shots will be against the backdrop of a bright red Ford Mustang. Wow. First Lee Jeans and now Ford Mustang. Cutting edge of fashion, indeed. Jay says, "The Mustang represents sexuality, grit, toughness, and it's unmistakably Mustang." The Mustang is unmistakably Mustang. Did you hear that? "And it's a cultural icon, like myself." Oh, shut up, Jay. The photographer for the shoot is Davide (pronounced "Dah-vee-day"), who has shot "all over this world," according to Captain Articulate.

The girls go into hair, makeup, and wardrobe. We have Danilo, "wardrobe artist" Michele Onofrio, and makeup artist Mathu Anderson, all of whom work off of cool-looking sketches (that I'm sure weren't designed by Jay, because they're cool) to create extreme looks. Amanda's new look involves a black stocking being placed over her head. No, I am serious. Also...ha! Norelle interviews that each girl did two shots, one that was their "regular day-person" and one who was an alter ago. Norelle is an elegant looking '40s-style woman and an Amazon warrior. Oooh, Norelle! Jay says that the Amazonian runs counter to Norelle's regular Kewpie-doll look. Ann's torso is outfitted in paint. And that's it. Ann really has a great body. Even Davide agrees. She interviews that she needs a good picture to avoid being sent home. Jay tells her that her motion and intent were amazing. She gives a kind of "rock on" hand sign that Miss J. mocks. Her other persona is a '40s-inspired "snotty rich girl" with a fox (Empress Minnie!) wrapped around her neck. So it seems that with a lot of these personas that one is retro and one is scary or futuristic. Nicole is a sassy '50s lady and a...yeah, I don't know what the hell her alter ego is supposed to be. An S&M mannequin, maybe? Eva Golden Delicious is butch / femme, and looking really hot on the butch side.

Cassie tells Michele that she has very wide hips. Michele says that's a good thing, and Cassie replies that Marc Bouwer told her she was too big. She is never going to be able to let that go. I was just reminded of how Marc Bouwer was an asshole and got all mad again. In her photos, Cassie is alternately a sweet, innocent girl and a sideshow Marie Antoinette-like dominatrix. She interviews that she's concerned about her uncle who might be dying, and she hopes it doesn't show in her pictures. The sinus infection! It's gone to his brain! Yaya is a girl in a pretty dress, and a seventeenth-century courtesan ghost. She loves saying the words "seventeenth-century courtesan." You went to Brown. We know. Davide thinks that Yaya was brilliant. is Amanda in ladylike pink, and then covered in a stocking with thigh-high boots. The latter is totally ugly, and I hope that it was sabotage. At the end of her shoot, she kisses Davide on the cheek. Someone is getting a little big for her britches, I think.

In wardrobe, Michele says to Toccara, "What size did you tell me you are, a 12 or is it really a 14?" See, already she's kind of being bitchy because Toccara is big. Toccara, who is being outfitted in an orange button-down shirt, says that she looks like she works in a bowling alley. Michele says that she doesn't. But she totally does. It's undeniable. She looks like she should have a spray can of disinfectant in her hand. Toccara interviews that she wanted to know why all the other girls looked so nice, and she looked like she worked at Home Depot. Ha! It's so true. Everyone else gets a freaky, sexy look, and Toccara gets a shirt that is totally from the T.J. Maxx men's clearance rack. It's wrong. Michele says something about Toccara doing plus-sized catalogs, and Toccara says that this is high-fashion, and that she has to prove herself to the high-fashion people. There's a bit of an awkward cut, and Michele snits, "Do you think that I'm going to be able to get a rack like this loaded with clothes in your size?" Because a rack that will fit Toccara's rack is an impossibility. Toccara says, "You can't find something in my size so I'm supposed to feel bad?" Michele looks a little like Melissa Rivers. And I don't mean that as a compliment. I kind of hate her. Michele says that Toccara is taking everything as a negative, and that she doesn't understand "how this whole modeling thing works" and has no appreciation. Miss J. is eavesdropping. Michele then pinches Toccara, and Toccara screams in an overdramatic fashion. Michelle gives a disgusted "Oh my God." And Toccara might be pulling a bit of an unwarranted diva attitude here, but the truth is that every other girl looked either pretty or freakily cool on both ends of their shots, and Toccara gets a plain and frumpy orange shirt.

During her shoot, Jay says that Toccara is supposed to be a parking attendant, and that she's dead in the eyes. Toccara rolls her dead eyes, apparently at Michele, who does a bit of a troll-ish double take. Jay says that he wants to see Toccara's pain and her longing. Jay tells J. that Toccara's biggest challenge is in letting down her wall, and that she's afraid to "act with her eyes." Toccara is outfitted in her glamorous look, which includes a blue bombshell dress and blond wig. Michele says that her boobs have to be strapped down. She actually says "schtrapped," which bugs the crap out of me even though it seems to be all the rage these days. What's so hard about the "st" consonant blend, I ask you? Toccara interviews that she didn't think she did a good job, and that she should have kept a positive attitude, but that things got to her. Toccara cries to Yaya, saying that it's hard to stay positive. Yaya says, "Even though they say that they welcome plus-sized models, you know that they don't pay as much attention to you, and you're handling yourself very well." Yaya says that when wardrobe has only one thing for Toccara, Toccara has a right to complain. And though on principle I hate to find myself agreeing with Yaya, I think she's right. They totally could have found something better for Toccara. It's one thing if the go-see designers don't have clothes to fit her, but I don't see why a team of professionals who know that she's coming can't find something better-looking in a size 14. Toccara says that Michele shouldn't make her feel bad, and that she knows she shouldn't compare herself to everyone else, but that they had much better options. She's trying to remain grateful, but it hurts.

And now it's time for the Cover Girl Beauty Tip of the Week, presented in its entirety, for your reading pleasure.

Small Orange Man: Okay, girl, it's time to glam up those gorgeous eyes of yours.
Horsy Foreign Model: You always make it look so easy.
SOM: It is easy! Let's start with a precise line along your upper lashes. [She makes a precise line along her upper lashes.] Okay, now soften it a bit with the smudger tip.
HFM: Oh cool!
SOM: Curl your eyelashes, then finish with a full fan of lashes.
HFM: Eyes made simple!
Voice-Over: Log onto CoverGirl.com for the latest on lashes and more!

I'll bet the election coverage on CoverGirl.com was riveting.

Tyra Mail! You will meet with the judges tomorrow. Someone will be eliminated. Cassie says that you never know who's going to go (unless you're watching the episode, in which case you always know), but that it might be Toccara because she did poorly in her shoot. Toccara was disappointed with herself in the photo shoot. Norelle, who is mowing on some fast food, is nervous.

Judges' panel. Prizes. Judges. Once again there is no Empress Minnie, and the guest judge is Fucking Marc Bouwer (FMB). For the panel test, the girls have to pretend that they're going on a go-see to a fictitious fashion house, "The House of Je Ne Sais Quoi," and convince them that they are right to be the House's campaign girl. The judges get super-campy with French villain accents, and make the girls react to an ugly dress. Janice points out Yaya's pimples, and Yaya says that it's a menstrual breakout. Ew! I think it's better to just say that you're zitty. ["Well, it is Cycle 3, so a breakout should be expected." -- Wing Chun] The judges say that they all live together. Ann says that this is a little weird. Toccara says that, with her, the campaign will be larger than life (with which Janice snarkily agrees), and does a flamboyant and campy runway walk. Janice sneers and Tyra giggles. Ah, I can see where this is going.

Evaluations. The judges love Eva. Ann's photo is well-liked, and FMB thinks that she has lots of potential. Cassie was blah in her go-see test, and her photo was not strong. Her face is "too relaxed." Amanda's photo comes up, and the judges are completely silent. Ha! Nigel says that they know she can take great pictures, but that this one sucks. FMB says that Norelle needs to develop more confidence. The judges don't like her "secretary" look, but love the Amazon warrior. Nigel says that it's like Norelle has to be in costume to become fierce. The judges think that Yaya's regular look is weak, but love the ghostly Yaya. Nicole's photo is not good. Janice criticizes Toccara's runway walk for The House of Je Ne Sais Quoi. Janice hates Toccara. Tyra loves her. She thinks that Toccara can handle the crazy fools in the fashion industry, and that she's fantabulous. Janice hates Toccara's photo and says that it's not versatile enough to be Top Model. She is more bitchy tonight than she is funny. Nol� thinks that she needs more in the eyes. Tyra and Nol� like Toccara's glamour shot.