Tyra brings out nutritionist Joy Bauer, who has been helping models to manage their weight for over fifteen years. She says that the keys to healthy eating are balance, moderation, and consistency. Cassie says that she has fallen victim to the low-carb craze. Joy says that, contrary to popular belief, nobody needs to be afraid of carbs. Joy Bauer is my hero. Do you hear that, women of America? Eat a freaking pretzel! And buy this clever shirt. Tyra asks if anybody "wants to do a one-on-one with the three of us." Ha! Models are also like athletes in that they are often quite dumb. Cassie says that she wants to, and the others are dismissed to their rooms. Cassie tells Tyra, Kate, and Joy that, even though she wouldn't say she has an eating disorder, she worries about what she eats 24-7. Joy asks if it ever gets out of control, and Cassie says that she has thrown up several times in the past, but doesn't consider herself bulimic because she didn't do it after every meal. And I am sad to say that the crazy and disgusted Tyra reaction shot that we were promised in the previews from last week is nowhere to be found. Joy suggests that Cassie talk to a counselor so that her obsession doesn't get out of control, particularly in such a pressure-filled environment. Cassie rejects this idea wholeheartedly and says, "You can tell me I shouldn't do that all you want, but if I feel like I'm still gonna do it, I'm never gonna be helped." So she's basically saying that she would like to continue having an eating disorder, probably because without it, her "cry for help" status garners so much less attention. After Cassie leaves, the three women talk. Tyra is concerned, and Kate says that people with eating disorders are hard-core.
Cassie calls her boyfriend, C.J., and tells him that "they" want her to go to a counselor for "you know what." C.J. says, "They know? How?" and Cassie says, "I had to tell them." I personally find it a little disturbing that her boyfriend seems to support her eating disorder. Cassie interviews, "If I'm feeling that I'm happy and I'm doing fine and this is making me happy by doing this, then that's all that matters to me." A little vague there, aren't we, Tracey Gold? Cassie walks by a table of healthy food left by Joy and kind of scoffs at it, telling the others, "It's just like fruit and salad, it's not like a bunch of meals." Ingrate. I'm sorry, but by the time you're my age you learn that any free food is a cause for celebration. My mom left me a bag of those little snack packs of raisins, and I was seriously dancing on the table.
In the kitchen, Cassie pulls a tray of brownies out of the oven. Ann interviews that Cassie had made low-carb brownies, and that they could only be Cassie's because "who eats low-carb brownies?" Cassie interviews that the brownies are six dollars a box. And I guess you really learn the value of a dollar when you must pluck it carefully from your g-string. Ann says that the brownies were on the counter along with all of the brownie ingredients, which include broken eggshells. Sitting on the counter. Which is just gross. Ann is justifiably disgusted by the dirty kitchen. She comes up with the brilliant idea to write "Cassie clean your dishes" in the brownies. She wonders if it's rude, but says that she's just drawing in the brownies with a knife, so how bad could it be? Eva acts as lookout. Ann can't fit the word "dishes" in the pan, so instead writes "clean your shit." And while she does carve the message with a knife, I must be fair to Cassie and say that Ann's fingers were all up in her brownies while she was writing it. As opposed to their usual position of being all up in Eva's brownies. And I apologize because that was totally gross. Ann says that she should have written "Eat some carbs," and she and Eva have a good laugh.
Cassie interviews, "Happiness to me is just that feeling that can't be described, and it's not here right now." New York and the competition are not making her happy. She tells her boyfriend that New York is not as glamorous as she had thought it would be, that she hates it, and that all of her spirit is gone. Her boyfriend (who appears, in a photo with Cassie, to be a strapping black man) helpfully says, "Just be a trooper." Cassie says, "I'll try my best," and her boyfriend totally mocks her by saying, "I'll try my best" in a pouty girly voice. What a catch he is. Cassie asks if he will be mad if she comes home early. The show cuts to a commercial before we can hear him say, "Yes, because then I won't have as much time to hang out with your esteemed, bigger-breasted co-workers, Calypso and Fantasia." And Cassie? New York doesn't like you too much, either.
Tyra Mail! "Lights, Camera, Action! Tomorrow get a jump start to your day and be ready by 7:30." The girls arrive at an airplane hangar, where they meet The Dowager Jay Manuel. He is dressed in a bedazzled jean jacket. No, really. In the words of Wing Chun, "Dolly Parton wants her wardrobe back, you moronic fuckwad" (paraphrased, and that last bit might have been mine). He tells them, "Now, some of you still have issues posing on the ground..." which, shut up you stupid jerk. But today is going to be more challenging, because they'll need to pose while in flight. The photographer -- who of course has shot Tyra (and not literally, even though killing people is widely believed to be so very funny) -- is hilariously foreign and named Sascha Pflaeging. He loves to photograph models while they are pflying. Sascha Pflaeging tells the girls that the shoot will be physically demanding, so he hopes they have a lot of energy. The girls think that the shoot will entail some sort of task like bungee-jumping while holding yogurt (no, seriously), but in fact they will be shilling an energy drink called "Y-J Stinger" while bouncing on a trampoline. Kelle asks Jay not to tell her that she's doing great if she's not, and to give her some kind of useful critique so that she can do better. Which seems like a perfectly reasonable request, right? The Dowager snots, "Kelle, I can't baby you through every frame." He interviews, "I'm tired of talking about Kelle, I'm tired of talking to Kelle, I'm tired of seeing Kelle cry." Can someone please just fire him? He's so obviously an incompetent, unqualified boob. Kelle interviews that she needs help because she's never done this before, and if she took perfect pictures she'd be at an agency right now. Too, too true, Kelle. Ann interviews, "She wasn't saying 'baby me along,' all she was saying was if she's doing bad, don't tell her she's doing good [sic]." Who knew that Ann would be the lucid and reasonable one in this situation? Also, hate, thy name is Jay Manuel. He's the worst.
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And now it's time for the Cover Girl Beauty Tip of the Week, presented in its entirety. And seriously, I made the mistake of fast-forwarding through these during the first four episodes. If you know what's good for you, start watching them, because they are truly hilarious. And Jay Manuel? Don't try acting, don't try acting, don't try acting, don't try acting. And please end up with nothing to do, and get off of my TV screen.
Horsy Foreign Model: [at wit's end] With the weather getting colder, my skin is getting dryer!
Small Orange Man: [knowingly] Now is the time to give your skin the extra help it needs.
HFM: [matter-of-factly] What can I do?
SOM: [confident, despite being an incompetent boob] Make sure your foundation has moisturizers in it. I like CoverGirl AquaSmooth. It has moisturizers that help your skin from being dry in cold weather.
HFM: [with a thick foreign accent] And on this chapped lips?
SOM: [slyly, breaking into a wide grin] Wetslicks, baby! It feels like a bomb and it shines like a beacon.
HFM: [no, she really says this] And smells like cupcakes!
And...scene. My first album is seriously going to be called Smells Like Cupcakes, featuring the hit song "Feels Like a Bomb and It Shines Like a Beacon." Featuring the catchy chorus, "Feels like a bomb and it shines like a beacon/ My makeup routine, it might need some tweakin'/ Give me the extra moisture my skin is seekin'/ When they see my shiny lips, all the girls be freakin'/ 'Cause I'm looking so good that I'm beyond critiquin'/ So tonight we'll get it on till someone calls the deacon."
Tyra Mail! Tomorrow, you will meet with the judges. Ann interviews that she's nervous, because there are enough people who are doing consistently well that one bad photo might mean elimination for her. Tyra. Prizes. Judges. Tyra calls Janice "the very first supermodel ever to exist on this planet." Janice throws her head down. Empress Minnie is back, and the guest judge is Kate Dillon. She looks so pretty. Tyra says that a top model has the ability to be on point no matter how tired or exhausted she is. Thus, the girls will be judged today on their photo taken after the fourteen-story race, as well as on their Y-J Stinger photo.
Norelle is first. Her workout photo is kind of frightening, but Nol� likes it because she looks like a heroin addict. The judges love her trampoline photo. I think Kelle's workout photos look fine, but the judges groan and Janice says, "I can't even look at it. It's that bad." They hate her trampoline photo, too. Big shocker, I know. Nol� asks what Kelle did before coming on the show, and Kelle says that she owns an art gallery. Janice asks her if she's ever heard of expressionism, because she needs expression in her face. Nicole needs to learn to have model poses ready on call, because her workout photos are bad. Nicole's trampoline shot is fierce. The way she holds the Y-J Stinger can is "fashion." In the workout photo, Toccara has intensity even without the aid of hair and makeup. Her Y-J Stinger photo is not so well received. Kate says that Toccara, like many plus-sized models, has a real freedom with her body, which shines through in the photos.
“ Yaya is wearing yet another message shirt. How many of these does she have? This one says, 'F honestidade luta esperanca respeito,' which Free Translation tells me means 'Faith honesty fight hope respect.' Or, as I like to translate it, "Blah blah blah blah blah. ”
Cassie's workout poses are a little too "model-y." Her trampoline photo gets mixed reviews. Tyra likes it, but Janice says that she looks like she should be in a cornfield scaring crows. Janice then holds her arms in the air and goes "AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRWWWWWWWWWWWW!" And I think I have my new cell-phone ring. That was seriously the greatest. Tyra said that the photographer noted, "Cassie looks tired and weak, and not sure if she really wants to be here." Janice asks what's up with that, and Cassie says, "I don't know." You know, if you really want to leave, then just go, and take your precious brownies with you. Eva's workout photo looks good considering that she was about to yak all over the place. Her Y-J Stinger photo makes her look taller, even though the close-up on her face shows some seriously flared nostrils. The judges love Amanda's workout photos, and her trampoline photos. Of course. Blah blah blah. Tyra says that the photographer called Amanda the superstar of the shoot, which causes Yaya to glare pissily.
Yaya is , wearing yet another message shirt. How many of these does she have? This one says, "F honestidade luta esperanca respeito," which Free Translation tells me means "Faith honesty fight hope respect." Or, as I like to translate it, "Blah blah blah blah blah." Shut up, Yaya's t-shirt. Yaya's workout pictures are sporty. Janice loves them. Her trampoline photos are not working. She says that this shoot was a challenge for her, because she tried to look less like a dancer. Tyra says that there is an art to taking advice. She says that when someone tells you not to look like a dancer, it means, "Less Cirque de Soleil, more couture." I wish there was an "English to Tyra" option on Free Translation. The judges tell her that she needs to find balance. She agrees, and starts tearing up. Ann is universally hated. Everyone thinks she is beautiful, but her photos just don't work.
The judges deliberate. Yaya needs to moderate the dancing stuff. Amanda, Nicole and Norelle were all great. Nol says that he will always advocate for Toccara. Janice says that's because he's a plus-sized girl too. He says, "And proud of it." Nigel says that Toccara normally photographs incredibly well, but that this is not her genre. Nol adores Eva, and the others think that she has a lot going for her. Kate says that Ann is not photogenic. Tyra says that she thinks Ann is photogenic, but doesn't know what to do with her face or body. She feels that Ann and Kelle are neck and neck -- pretty girls who don't know how to model. The others aren't crazy about Kelle either. She has a pretty face, but screws everything up. Janice says she should go back to her gallery and sell art for the rest of her life. Cassie doesn't have a clue about modeling, and her face looks dead. In the words of Janice, "She's just blaaaah." And that's a disgusted "blaaah."
“ While I'm a little sad to see Kelle go, I'm also relieved because I was starting to feel really, really bad for her, and that's just not good for business around here. ”
Tyra has eight photos in her hand, representing the eight girls who will still be in the running towards becoming America's Top Model. Congratulations to Eva, Amanda, Nicole, Yaya, Toccara, Norelle, and Cassie. Tyra once again encourages Cassie to seek counseling for her "sadness." Will Kelle and Ann please step forward? Tyra has the same critique for both of them: they are both beautiful girls to the eye, but that doesn't translate to their photographs. They are "the walking signpost for 'pretty girl, not photogenic.'" However, the judges think that Ann has a little more potential. Kelle, it's time for you to say goodbye.
Kelle interviews that she would have liked to keep trying, but on the other hand, there's only so much humiliation a person can take. She says that maybe modeling isn't what she's supposed to do. She hit rock bottom, and has been called some really bad things, but she's grown from the experience. She says, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." And while I'm a little sad to see Kelle go, I'm also relieved because I was starting to feel really, really bad for her, and that's just not good for business around here.
Coming up on America's Top Model: Ann, Eva, Norelle, and Amanda share a hot tub, and Amanda interviews that a hot tub always brings out your bad side. Hoo boy. The girls meet some of New York's top fashion designers, and Toccara faces some difficulties because, you know, she's bigger than the other girls.