The Girl Who Is Co-Dependent

The Empire State Building! The Statue of Liberty! Times Square! WELCOME TO MANHATTAN says a sign as we clever audience members deduce that the girls have made it to New York City, where the streets are paved with gold that buffs your stiletto heels while you walk. The girls ride in a van and, as is their custom, whoop. Ann bitches that she can't see, and wants to switch seats. She climbs over her seat, which is in the back of the van yet right near a window, and plops into a center seat between Eva and Norelle. Ah, the little things you catch when you watch a show twenty-seven times. Ann interviews that she came into this competition being very confident, and that the other contestants are intimidated by her. Not for long, freakshow.

More whooping. Leah, originally hailing from Oklahoma, has never been to New York. She interviews that she knows she can look very "Plain Jane," and needs to prove herself to Tyra. Kelle, in the back of the van, yells "It's so exciting, you guys can see my backyard! I love it!" in a somewhat exaggerated fashion. Huh. For some reason, I can just picture Kelle wearing a little red fez on her head. With a pair of cymbals, or maybe a small drum. Riding a unicycle. I'm not sure what it is...maybe something about her mouth. Kelle interviews that she grew up in Seagate, which is the last gated community in New York, and then moved to Manhattan. She says that she can come off a bit strong, and that people have said that she has a "presence" about her. She hopes it's an easy presence. I think it's a bit simian, actually. More whooping.

The van delivers them in Times Square, where they are taken to a rooftop to meet the alien life force that is going to bring them beauty of intergalactic proportions! Oh wait, it's just Tyra. She welcomes the girls, who -- get ready for it -- whoop, and tells them that they are her "personal final fourteen." She tells them to look around at the giant billboards, and whoops, "One of those might be you real soon!" Man. Just when she comes clean about the fact that none of the other judges actually gets a vote, she jumps right into the lying again. It's pathological at this point. But her scary alien eyes make the girls believe. She gives an unexpected pop quiz: "This is New York City. This is the city that nev-uh, ev-uh...what?" The girls consult their CliffsNotes (it's always an open-book test in the world of modeling) and say, "sleeps!" Whoop!

And speaking of never sleeping, the girls will be getting no sleep tonight. Because, like real models, they'll be all coked up and made to give Donatella Versace a tongue bath. No, it's because theyll have their first assignment, a "sexy freaky-deaky bikini shoot" in Jamaica! And at this announcement, the whooping reaches a decibel level so intense that even Cline Dion is like, "Mon Dieu! My ears!" Whoooooop! Tyra reminds the girls that this is "the real thing," and "a competition," and that they are standing to their competitors. She encourages them to make her proud and "work it out," and then does a little dance that looks oddly familiar. Maybe I saw it in a video somewhere.

Back in the van. Kelle interviews that she's an outgoing person, but that she's never fit into "the" group, though she doesn't say which group she is speaking of. I imagine it might be one headed up by the legendary Al Jolson. She is often considered to be "a white girl with a really good tan" (not to mention repetitive) and stuck up, but right now things are going great, and she's getting along well with everyone. Cut to Eva, who calls Kelle "whitewash," then to the van, where Eva imitates Kelle, saying (in an exaggerated fashion), "I'm the only black people that live in my white cul-de-sac." Dude, if the girl is calling herself "people," I think racial identity is the least of her problems. Eva finds Kelle irritating and wants her to be blacker. Yaya defends Kelle. Toccara waves her head around as if thinking "Mmm hmmm" but doesn't say much. Man, I seriously hope this subplot doesn't last all season.

At the airport. It's 6 AM. The girls are raggedy and tired. Eva interviews that she did not enter this competition to cultivate any relationships, but that she loves Ann. How deep is your love, Eva? Ann really needs to know. Ann says that she and Eva clicked right away, and that their friendship isn't forced. On the plane, the girls are glad to have a chance to sleep. The captain announces that there is a bit of turbulence ahead. Ann interviews that she hates to fly. Cut to her freaking out on the plane, crying and wailing about how much she hates it. She voices over that she had a bad flight during her freshman year of college and swore to herself that she would never fly again. Yeah, just like that time in her freshman year when she "accidentally" "bumped into" the swim coach naked in the locker room and swore to herself that she was just experimenting.

Ann's motivation soon becomes clear as she whines, "Eva, I need you." Julie interviews that she implored Eva to make Ann shut the hell up. Ann says, "Mama, I need you." And by "Mama," she means Eva. Julie says, "This is such a weird relationship." Sing it, Julie, with your sexy husky voice. Soon Ann is lying down with her head in Eva's lap (face up...for now). Eva interviews that she loves wonderful Ann, and that Ann has "underlayers" that no one would expect. Yeah, like a penis. I hate Ann. Ann interviews that Eva "calmed" her, and then Ann fell asleep. And that it was a genuine pleasure to finally be inducted into the mile-high club.

Montego Bay! Some whiteys with the most excellent tans I've ever seen welcome the plane. The girls give a totally spontaneous shout-out to Victoria's Secret. Magdalena really wants to be a model, but it's a risk for her, since she is in school at U-Mass (from which some of the prettiest and most lovely people have graduated, mind you) for nursing, and is giving up a great internship and potential job to go on this show. Oh, hindsight. The girls congregate at the Rockhouse Hotel Restaurant and are welcomed by Jay Manuel. He re-introduces himself and the apparently newly single "Miss" J. Alexander, who looks suspiciously like Whitney Houston in the "How Will I Know" video. Show me the receipts, Diane. Show me the receipts.

Jay describes the fashion shoot as "edgy swimwear." He introduces the "top glam squad" who will work with the girls on all of their shoots. There is a makeup artist, wardrobe consultant, and "the famous Danilo, hair magician," who looks like a crystal-meth ravaged Captain Kangaroo. Seriously, I'm not that picky, but I would nev-uh, ev-uh let a man with a handlebar moustache touch me in any capacity, much less get near my precious hair. Jay then says that he, J., and Tyra will be judging the girls on this photo shoot and that -- gasp! -- the house in New York can only hold thirteen people. Which means that someone will go home immediately after the shoot, and not move into the New York pad. There is a conspicuous absence of whooping. Once the non-eliminated get back to New York, another elimination will be made based on this shoot. In the words of Toccara, "Time to work."

As the girls get made up, Magdalena notes that the competition is fierce. Ann says that she is tired from the nervous breakdown she had on the plane, and also from the sweet, sweet love she made to Eva.

The girls stand on what looks like volcanic rock for the shoot, largely balancing unsteadily on their heels. Oh, if only they were on the precipice of a lake containing hot molten lava! I yearn for the day when they let Janice do some of the concept work. Eva models a hideous swimsuit with a cape, as Jay tells her to think fashion rather than pinup. He basically tells everyone else the same thing, because he's totally unqualified for his job and obviously has no idea what the hell he's doing. He's the George W. Bush of America's Top Model. He tells Cassie that he wants her to try something a bit more "animalistic" and "savage." I bet Kelle would take this direction well. Instead, Jay tells her to be less hoochie and more couture, and Kelle, in her own words is, "Like, omigod! Okay! Um! Gasp!" Jay loves Magdalena's limbs, but she's kind of fug. Whatever, she's going home. Leah impresses no one.

Yaya is "working as if the rent is due tomorrow" (shut up, Jay) and totally rocking her African Queen look. Everyone is impressed. Jennipher almost falls backward. Molten lava, I tell you! Toccara looks great but has about sixty pounds too much "personality." Norelle looks like she's taking a dump. Nicole sticks her pinky out too much. Julie is fine, and J. tells her to give a "Kama Sutra" pose. Ann sucks and is a disappointment to all. Jay says that she's gorgeous, but "if I have a dead slab of meat in front of the camera, I can't do anything with that." Sometimes the jokes write themselves, people. Jay tells the girls that after brunch tomorrow, someone is going home.

Then, in the stagiest bit of crap this show has ever seen, the Jays conference-call Tyra, who is in her pajamas, in her "bed," in her "bedroom," with a laptop, looking at the photos. On the block are Kelle, Magdalena, Leah, and Ann. Tyra says, "All right, you guys, I guess we've made a decision!" signs off the call, and then crawls under her covers and turns off her lamp. Show? Please stop doing this.

The day. Jay tells the girls that most of them were mediocre, a handful were good, and a handful sucked. One of them is going to have to pack her bags, because she's going back to Worcester. Yes, my friends, Magdalena is the first to be sent home. But now she has sponge baths and bedpans to look forward to, so why would she be sad? She says that she's proud of herself, adding, "I'm still gonna go out there, and do me [sic] and do whatever I have to do to make myself happy." Careful, li'l Maggie, or you might end up like Amanda!

After the elimination, the girls pack up and fly back to New York. Tyra has ordered a monstrous SUV limo to take them to their new pad so they are, in Kelle's words, "big pimpin'." And, also, "gas guzzlin'." In the limo, the girls get their first piece of Tyra Mail. WHOOOOOOOOOP! Toccara reads it aloud, which makes me look forward (in a mean way) to the "acting lesson" episode. She reveals that the girls will be living in the Waldorf Astoria. Quite predictably, everyone is excited.

Ann asks Eva (once again calling her "Mama," which is just weird) if she wants to room together, and Eva says "definitely." Ann interviews that she hoped that the group would be "fair" about the room selection (e.g., that she would get her way). Ann then tells the other girls that if there is a "discrepancy" and they want a room that other girls also want, then they will play "paper-scissor-rocks." First of all, Ann, it's paper-rock-scissors, and second, you're an idiot. In an interview, Julie says that no one agreed to Ann's plan. Man. You can just tell that something awesome is about to happen.

Waldorf Astoria! The place is kind of cool and kind of garish. It looks a bit like a cross between a Real World house and the inside of Janice Dickinson's brain. It is also heavily peppered with photos of Tyra. Amanda tells us that the house has many different styles. There is a blurry red room, a blurry gray room, and a blurry orange room. No, actually there is a room with a runway (for practice, of course), and the "Editor's Suite" which contains a "gorgeous collection of worldly travels [sic]." When you're pretty and blind, who cares about being literate? Eva points out the scary lamps that are made up of photos of Tyra. I would not want those eyes staring at me in the dark, is all I'm saying.

The girls explore the bedrooms. Leah loves the pink "Fitting Room." Julie felt right at home in the silk-laden "Couture Club." Nicole notes that there are thirteen girls in the house and three rooms with four beds each. She counts on her fingers and, after a pregnant pause, announces that that makes a total of twelve beds. Which means...impending drama. Whooooop!

Girls are claiming beds left and right. Ann interviews that she was waiting for Eva so that they could choose their sweet bed of love together. Eva, however, is too busy marveling at the bathroom and trying on a giant Afro wig to notice. She interviews that she was so excited about the things in the house to run for a bed and that "as usual" she's "the last one, trolleying along." Because her personality is so mellow and foot-dragging, you know? When she finally meets back up with Ann, they see that there is only one bed left in "The Fitting Room." Ann begins a mild freak-out and says, "This is not happening. I'm rooming with you." She then actually calls a freaking house meeting. Calm down, there, Gertrude Stein.

As the girls gather in the The Editor's Suite (which they call "the family room"), Eva notices that there is bed in it. In a nonchalant fashion, she says, "Is this a bed? I'm here. This is my bed." End of discussion, right? Wrong! In Julie's words, "Ann threw a big hissyfit." I love when Julie narrates. Ann says that two people wanted one room, and actually tries to get the girls to draw straws to redistribute the beds so that she and Eva can share a room. And then, the greatest thing ever happens. Seriously, I dont think my words can do it justice. The girls are all, "I like my room. I'm staying where I'm at." Ann tries to protest. Cassie says, "You want to room with Eva, well, that's not possible right now." Ann replies with the completely cogent argument of "Okay, but yes it is because we said...like, are you kidding?" Ha! The girls say that they never agreed to anything. Ann tells them to go fuck themselves. Toccara puts the final point on this scene as she says, "Ann? Big deal. Tough titty." Heh. But seriously, I didn't know you could say "titty" on TV!

Ann interviews that she is really close to Eva and that, were positions reversed, she would have insisted on rooming with Eva. Well, she did insist on rooming with Eva and Eva didn't give a fuck. So there. Ann has to live in the pink room. Leah chirps that the room is "pink positive," and that Ann has to be positive if she's staying in there. Ann does not look happy. Eva says that, as much as she loves Ann, she is still going to be Eva. "Ann can bitch and moan, but Eva is going to remain Eva." If I may interpret, I think what Eva is saying is that she needs to forge an independent identity and dissociate herself from this crazy mofo. Good move, Eva. Good move. I love how Eva has suddenly become the voice of reason, by the way.

Ann says that after moving into the house, she and Eva have "split up," and that it is important for her to continue to have a friendship with Eva, so she asked Eva to have a talk. With about six other girls in the room. Dude. Ann tells Eva that she's hurt because Eva didn't stick up for her. Eva is like, "The hell?" (That's paraphrasing, by the way.) Ann asks Eva if she didn't actually want to room together. Eva says she did, but we all know that's a total lie. Eva says, "Ann, as close as we are, we still don't know each other." Ann says (and I quote in full so as to accurately present the craziness), "I don't want to change the way I feel about anyone, like, I don't want to try and control that, like, I love you, like, I will be friends with you forever...you will be in my wedding, like, I swear to God, like, I love you, and like, it kills me to walk around this house knowing that I can't, like, talk to you." Toccara interviews that Ann is co-dependent and needs Eva to survive. Ann says, "I believe in you, like, I want you to win this more than I want me to win this." To finance their glorious Provincetown wedding. Pastor J. Alexander presiding.

Cassie says that Ann doesn't know how to be independent and confident on her own, and that this will show in her photos. Ann has been crying the whole time, and finally Eva sheds one tiny tear and plays a minuet on the world's tiniest violin. Ann mistakes this for affection and gives Eva a bear hug. The unfortunate thing about all of this for Ann (besides the fact that it confirms that she is batshit crazy and sapphically inclined) is that this is totally a defining moment. No one is going to buy that confident and intimidating faade anymore. She has officially blown her wad.

The girls have a day of sightseeing. Kelle acts as tour guide. She points out Christie's, where she claims to work. She shows them the Fifth Avenue stores, including Gucci. Eva says that Kelle is clearly an only child. Kelle says that in her house, she has her own floor. Toccara says that her description of Kelle would be "a preppy, stuck up white person." On behalf white people, I take offense. Toccara says that she doesn't even have a bedroom. Jennipher interviews that everyone is getting a little sick of Kelle. In the van, Kelle continues to be annoying. Even Norelle finds her tedious, which, in my opinion, is quite an accomplishment.

Back at the house, the girls unknowingly partake in a T-Mobile ad. They discover that they are having a mysterious special dinner at their pad. And who is their mysterious special guest? A superior life form from planet XR2K-1 here to show them that the secret for true beauty can be found only in a head that is pulled like taffy! Oh, wait, it's just Tyra. The girls act excited anyway. Tyra sits the girls down for a chat. She is wearing a purple shirt with her red hair against the red wall and lit by a red lamp, and seriously, I keep waiting for the little man behind the curtain to be revealed. She looks like a big scary talking head. Like a hologram of a head, even.

Tyra tells the girls that they are all special, but that everyone has an "interesting" flaw. She says it is their job to make the public think that they are perfect, even though in reality, no one is perfect. This has been one to grow on. She asks the girls to name their imperfection of choice. Ann has a bumpy nose. Yaya has a bad complexion. Jennipher has a big booty. Toccara says that her thighs rub together, and that during her interview in the finals, they actually got stuck. That sounds so gross. Leah says that she can have a common look. Tyra tells Leah that her forehead saves her. When Tyra was in school, she was mocked and maligned for her "five-head," but her modeling agent told her that her giant forehead would be the thing that would "get her over." And I'm sure that everybody was so entranced by her glamorous forehead that they didn't even notice her stick body featuring giant boobs. Norelle hates her ears.

And now, it is Kelle's turn. Kelle says that she has a protruding mouth, particularly when you look at her profile. She then says that she's always felt it looks like a monkey mouth. Hoo boy. Sound of record scratching. Toccara interviews that she couldn't believe it. An interviewed Kelle says that it was the first thing that popped into her head, "and...whatever." Kelle adds that she thinks it looks primitive. An interviewed Yaya is incredulous. Tyra says that they'll have to take some profile shots and analyze it, but that it might not be all bad. She then says that she might be all "Go Curious George! Work it out!" Okay, Tyra can really be kind of funny sometimes.

You know, there's been some heated debate in the forums about Kelle. And I have to say that I think we're all overanalyzing a bit. To me, the problem is not so much the fact that she might have some issues with internalized racism, or the fact that she is a bit of a snob, or the fact that she is culturally insensitive. I mean, she seems like a really nice girl. But dumb as a pile of bricks. Seriously, when God was handing out brains, Kelle thought he said "trains," and was like, "Oh, um, like, we have a driver and stuff, so I think I'm all set. But thanks!"

Tyra commends the girls for their honesty, and leaves. Toccara, Jennipher, and Yaya talk about how annoying Kelle is, and how she's a snob, and how it is not cool to go around saying that you look like a monkey, particularly when such an image is historically loaded. Toccara interviews that people are talking about Kelle behind her back, but that she is the type of person to just come right out and tell you how she feels. So instead of actually doing that, she tells Kelle that everyone is talking about her, and that she's spoiled, and lots of other bad stuff that makes Kelle feel sad and friendless and hurt. She cries, and I actually feel kind of bad for her.