The Girl With The Secret

Look, you guys! It's Tyra! And photos of Tyra! And Tyra on the runway! And the alien from Close Encounters...I mean, a glamorous beauty shot of Tyra! As we can surmise by the giant gust of wind blowing her extensions to and fro, "Being a top model ain't no picnic." Unless the menu features lettuce with a side of Ex-Lax. Tyra tells us that last year's winner, Yoanna, went from being a babysitter (read: fat) to becoming America's Top Model (read: appearing on the cover of Psychology Today). Now, a new deluded famewhore is ready to take her place. Let's dive in, shall we?

Picture it: Los Angeles, 2004. The semi-finalists arrive! We are first introduced to Amanda, age twenty-five, from Hendersonville, North Carolina. She has some huge-ass glasses. Huh. I wonder if that in any way foreshadows an important plot twist. Toccara, age twenty-two, is from Dayton, Ohio and describes herself as "great" and "fabulous." Cassie, nineteen, hails from Oklahoma. Then there's some crazy-ass bitch who travels with a teddy bear. Whatever, she doesn't make it.

The girls convene at Le Meridien hotel in Beverly Hills (that means The Meridian for you Francophobes). Mary, age twenty-two, says that she's "sizing everybody up," just as we see a shot of her plus-size self dismounting from the airport shuttle. I size her up as 48G. Natalie, age eighteen, loves competition, and also competing with people. Diversity is her forte.

Jay Manuel gives the girls their official welcome to L.A. Rats. I was hoping he'd go the way of J.Lo's makeup artist, but he seems to have inexplicably retained his position as "art director of photo shoots." This seems to lend credence to my secret theory that Tyra is a man, because Jay must be blowing someone to keep that job. But who am I to judge? A boy's got to keep himself in highlights, after all. Jay explains that the girls will meet with a panel of judges who will evaluate them on face, body, and "potential" (read: to create drama), and that there will be cuts later in the week. The real competition starts tomorrow, which means tonight is all about...pool party! All right!

The girls socialize and stare wistfully at the untouched cheesecake on the buffet table. One girl explains that she was raised in Oklahoma, and spent her days among cows. She should feel right at home here, then. Taking their cue from ebony and ivory living together in perfect harmony side by side on my piano keyboard, Eva, age nineteen, and Ann, age twenty-one, have become fast friends. They toast to their ultimate fate as the top two. Let's make a mental note of this.

Ann marches in to her audition and says that she was a six-time all-American athlete in water polo and swimming. She shows off her thigh muscles to prove it. Ann is super-competitive and hates to lose. She is annoying, but looks totally hot in a swimsuit. Ann has the body.

Cassie is . She's tall and willowy. She says she may look like an all-American girl, but she doesn't have an all-American job. Because she's a stripper.

Whoa! Sound of record scratching to a halt. Mrs. J. quips that stripping sounds like an all-American job to him. Oh, that lovable homo! What will he say ?! Anyway, Cassie says that she tries to keep it classy while stripping, and that she got into this line of work because her deadbeat dad won't support her financially and she's putting herself through college. Dude, this is so Angel! Cassie says that no one knows that she strips. They do now, Classie! As she exits the room, a pixilated blur on her ass indicates that her bathing suit bottom is a thong. Honey, try to leave the job at the office, okay?

Julie, age twenty, is here to represent the pride, beauty and intelligence of Indian women. She wants to break stereotypes (though she does bear an uncanny resemblance to Manjula, Apu's wife on The Simpsons) and begins her quest by mock-choreographing a Bollywood film. I have to say that some of the most beautiful women I've ever met have been Indian. I'm not sure if Julie rates, but it does seem like it would be fun to grab a Kingfisher and a veggie samosa with her.

On a side note, what the F is Tyra wearing?

Magdalena is from WOOSTAHHH, Mass. You know, before I moved to New England, I always thought that it was pronounced "Wor-chest-er." I had no idear it was so wicked hahd to sound out. Magdalena looks like hot fried ass in her video, but wears a swimsuit well. She was studying to be a nurse, which may well come in handy if (haha - if!) Janice needs to be resuscitated or stitched back together at some point later in the season.

Tiffany comes in and admits that she's kind of ghetto. Tiffany has a sketchy past. She started school in a worn, torn dress that somebody threw out, and was expelled for fighting. Hurt, scorned, rejected! I'm sure none of those tendencies will surface in this episode. Tiffany wants to prove that she can be someone, be someone. And if you have a fast car, she wants a ticket to anywhere. Particularly to the models' apartment in New York, where she thinks she'll soften up a little. She's tired of fighting. She don't want to study war no mo'.

Which leads to...the girls' night out. Roxanne interviews that the girls want to "get their party on," which may explain why this is the last we hear of Roxanne. To avail themselves of the fully glamorous Los Angeles experience, the girls go to (The Original) Barney's Beanery. They drink, they dance, they whoop. A man with a giant Mohawk looks on, wishing for some peace and quiet.

Some local "not models" are apparently a bit miffed and, as Toccara conjectures, wondering, "Who are these bees? Are they famous?" I'm sure that's exactly what they were thinking. A not model yells at Tiffany, "Get that skank ass out of my face." Tough talk for a woman whose nipples look ready to tap dance to San Diego. How will this be settled? Well, if it's up to our trusty heroines, in the most civilized way possible: with a dance competition. Who knew that happened in real life? Sweet! Except not! Skank Not Model fakes out Tiffany by starting to dance, but then pouring a beer right on top of her head. Oooooh! Tiffany says, "Bitch poured beer on my weave." Awesome. Tiffany throws a drink at the girl (quite righteously so, may I add) and then Skank Not Model and her friends actually start chucking glasses into the crowd of models. Hey! That's dangerous! Have you no regard for their beautiful faces?!? Havoc ensues. Tony, stop the rumble!

After a commercial break, the incident is replayed. The girls leave the bar. Tiffany screams, "That skank ho poured the beer on my weave!" And we don't want to know what she had to do to pay for that weave. Because she started her life in an old, cold run down tenement slum. Tiffany wants to beat the girl's ass, because the only way she knows to solve her problems is through violence. And where did she learn how to steal and learn how to fight? In the ghetto. (In the ghetto.) And her mama cried.

I don't know. I'm a total pacifist (and a pussy) and I'd want to beat that girl's ass, too.

In the van on the way back to the hotel, man-voiced Sarah, age twenty-two, expresses disapproval, insinuating that Tiffany might have provoked Skank Not Model by bending over in her face. Magdalena chimes in with an excellently argued "At least she didn't hit her!" Point well taken, counselor for the defense! Sarah says that she doesn't condone violence, and Tiffany says, "And that's great, Martin Luther King. But I'm with Malcolm." I'm sure hearing their names bandied about like this from their vantage point in heaven makes both of these men them feel great about how the political discourse around race and violence has progressed in the last thirty-odd years. Bitch poured beer on my weave! Tiffany gets all Mary J. Blige on us, crying and saying that she wants no more drama in her life. She's so tired. She's sick of fighting, y'all. She's been fighting all her life. She's not going back to the hood. She's going to take her fast car and keep on driving.

Auditions sessions two! It's Norelle, twenty, who has braces, or as she puts it "bling bling on her grille." She had an evil stepmother, and only met her real mom -- a funky, artsy-looking tattooed sort -- when she was thirteen. Norelle idolizes Paris Hilton and "plays Paris Hilton" in her room. With a supporting cast featuring a talentless hunk of wood as Nick Carter and her clarinet as Rick Solomon. Norelle's walk is heinous. I have to confess that I think she's my favorite so far, since she is amusing to no end. There's some priceless video footage on the UPN site of Norelle feeling insecure because the contestants are so "smart" and have traveled to exotic and sophisticated places such as the famed city of "Kentucky, Alabama."

Kelle, age nineteen, is white under the skin. She grew up in the last gated community in New York and is a living example of what would happen if Tootie and Blair from The Facts of Life could breed. J. commends Kelle's walk, which segues into a good walk/bad walk montage. Gee, I wonder what would happen if Kelle helped out a sister and invited Tiffany to live with her! The Fresh Princess of The Last Gated Community in New York! Premiering on UPN this fall.

Plus-sized Mary enters, and says it would be great if both BBBWs were chosen to be in the house. Riiiight. Toccara runs in yelling, "I'm here! I'm here!" followed by "I'm big, black, beautiful and lovin' it." And then she actually snaps. We get it. Jesus. Toccara has Queen Latifah's face and Star Jones's personality. Which means she should maybe try to shut up a little more. The judges are in awe of Toccara's enormous breasts.

As a point of contrast, meet Amy. Amy is 5'11" and a half, and claims to weigh 115 pounds. She looks like the bastard love child of Karen Carpenter and a bobble-head doll. Seriously, her head is enormously disproportionate to her toothpick body. ["And, the head of a man." -- Wing Chun] Amy says she gets frustrated when people assume she's anorexic, and that she's on "weight gainers," which apparently entails drinking three 3000-calorie shakes per day to help her gain weight. Because her metabolism is so fast. Amy feels healthy and happy with herself, but the judges clearly find her frightening and sad, and Tyra worries that she will send a negative image to women. Because the world of fashion is really concerned about that, but whatever. Amy takes this as "constructive criticism."

You know, I have to admit that, as a skinny person with a fast metabolism, I often find myself defending the "naturally thin" position. But with Amy, I just don't know. Her hipbones are lacerating. She also has an oddly mannish jaw, and enormous hands. Maybe she's a tranny.

Parade of losers montage! We don't even get to know their names. Crazy bitch with the teddy bear is back, along with a self-described "whip-ass, awesome, bitchy dominatrix" who likes to "have a wild, fun time." Janice in disguise! That woman either has some sort of weird nose piercing or a harelip. One particularly unattractive woman says, "I love my nose, my nose is big and beautiful. I can smell things that people cannot smell." Heh. Another crazy-ass bitch walks out in the middle of her interview, causing Tyra and the J's to crack up.

is Leah, age twenty-four, the aforementioned cow aficionada. She was raised in a big Catholic family, but in response to the question of whether she has a problem posing with the "illusion of nudity," Leah says, "Nude me up!" I kind of love Leah. She's pretty and spunky and fun. She might want to stop accentuating her forehead, though.

Amanda says that whatever "it" is, she's got it. Well, if that "it" is a degenerative eye disease (oops, spoiler!), I guess she's right. She feels okay about leaving her son, because he will blossom "like a rose growing through a concrete crack," and will benefit in the long run. Amanda says that her best feature is her eyes (well it sure isn't her purple velour swimsuit), but -- cruel irony! -- this is the exact area where she has a mysterious problem.

Dinner time. Eva says that skinny Amy looks disgusting, that she has an eating disorder, that no man will ever sleep with her, and that she'll never be able to bear kids. Ann calls Eva "outspoken." ["For real. I was saying all those things myself, but not to the girl's face! I have class." -- Wing Chun] Mary calls Eva "a flat-out bitch." Amy, attempting to defend herself, tries to point at Eva, but then her arm snaps off at the elbow and she's really too tired to speak anyway. Because, you know, her metabolism is so fast.

Commercials. Seriously, you guys, what the hell is wrong with Britney Spears?

Auditions session three! Yaya is soso happyhappy to be there. She's supposed to fit the "smart" slot, telling us that she speaks three languages and goes to Brown University. Now, I'm not saying that anyone here is in any way affiliated with Brown or its surrounding environs. If by chance this were to be the case, however, one might be able to make the claims that Brown has (a) a kick-ass benefits and retirement package; (b) a student body in which the percentage of morons is most definitely statistically greater than zero. So the jury is still out on Yaya, especially after that "hologram" comment. Yaya's father is a Yoruban priest, and she's here to represent "a beauty that is black." I didn't know horses had agents. Unfortunately she also represents a face that is pimply. This concerns the judges, and particularly "Mr." Jay.

up: Jennipher, age twenty-two, Pocatello, Idaho. Phunny, I thought she was phrom Filadelfia. Jennipher's video shows that Pocatello is a town for hicks and freaks, and not for glamorous supermodels. When asked why she wants to be a model, Jennipher tearfully explains that she needs to get out of Pocatello -- you won't find her getting knocked up and sporting the Jaclyn Smith collection for the rest of her life! -- and that the only way to do that is to go on a reality-television show that results in fame and fortune. I'm sorry, but if you want to get the hell out of Dodge, then just move. It's not that I'm not sympathetic, but all I'm saying is that you don't see me hanging around the 7-11 in Turtle Creek very much these days. It can be done.

Aimee Mann escapes from 1984 and walks into the room. No, it's actually crazy-haired Rachael, who has some modeling experience but hasn't yet landed a "big opportunity" such as this. She thinks her experience (not to mention her sassy brown poncho!) gives her a leg up over the other girls.

up is Kristi (whose name, age and hometown are suspiciously not present on the screen), who is a twenty-year old republican and values her blonde hair. You guys? It's totally Jenna Bush. She feels like the only Republican in all of New York. She not only brags about, but -- quite unfortunately -- actually wears her hideous American-flag prom dress. "Yankee Doodle" plays in the background as Dandy Mrs. J. says, "I would have done a red sparkle shoe." Hee!

Nicole, age twenty-one and from North Dakota, works her bikini and confesses to being a drunken whore. Actually, she says she gets "loves everyone" when she drinks and gets "very friendly" with both men and women. Semantics. She feels that sexuality shouldn't be limited. Whatever. I've lost my senses and drunkenly made out with a few guys on more than one occasion and you don't see me making a political statement about it on national TV. In related front-page news, Nicole is now dating Cynthia Nixon.

Nargis is , and she stumbles over the words in her crappy rehearsed speech. Nargis made it to the semi-finals last year, and can't believe that she's getting a second chance. Well, then she'd better make the most of it, right? She then says that she has no favorite or least favorite model (well do you?) and that she looks at modeling as "a job. And that's it." Because if there's one thing her experiences have taught her, it's that these judges love ambivalence.

Mrs. J. interviews that what he looks for most in the contestants is "good DNA." This cues Eva, who struts in looking like one totally crazy bitch. It's so great that she feels comfortable being herself in front of the judges! Tyra says that about 80% (model, producer, statistician) of the other girls have something bad to say about Eva. Eva says they're all oversensitive. Tyra asks if there's a need to be nasty and negative. Eva says she isn't negative and nasty except when it comes to Amy, but that's because Amy looks like she just got back from the camps and it's disturbing. Slow-motion footage of Amy appears and you can hear a nation saying, "Point for Eva."

But that's not enough for Tyra, who says that she doesn't want to cast another black bitch. ["HA!" -- Wing Chun] Eva says that she is who she is and says what she thinks, but she doesn't actually want to hurt anyone's feelings. Tyra (in this segment known as "Dr. Fil" -- model, producer, psychiatrist) says, "I think you do." Tyra says that Eva knows how to hurt people because she's been hurt before. Who's hurt you, Eva? Who? Eva says that she's struggled and has only herself to rely on. That's why she wears this hard veneer! Don't you understand? Everyone's been mean to Eva -- her parents, father, brothers, classmates -- everyone!

And what happened then?/ Well, according to J./ Cruel Eva's small heart/ Grew three sizes that day! /And the minute a teardrop tugged soft at her eye/ She ran to the arms of a motherly Ty/ And then, to the others, with not even a smirk/ She said she was sorry for being a jerk.

Time for a cut! Those who stay will get a "photo shoot" with Jay and his digital camera. Casting director Michelle Mock-Falcon (Mock-Falcon?) explains that twenty girls will make it to the round, and posts a list of the winners. You know who is on that list? "Kristi." Just like that, in quotes. You don't suppose someone's identity is being protected by the Department of Homeland Security, do you?

Losers include Nargis, teddy bear girl, bony Amy, and Tiffany. Tiffany is sad. She says that it would have been a big change from hustling to being a glamour girl. Does that mean that she's a prostitute? Everyone at home is going to say I told you so. But it's okay, Tiffany says, because someone has to fail, and she's used to failing. And as her dream dies on a cold, gray mornin', another little baby child is born...in the ghetto.

And now, the event you've all been waiting for. Amanda voices over that she would feel more comfortable if everyone else knew about her problem. So, in a way that is not at all reminiscent of a drama queen, she gets a production assistant to quiet everyone in the room. She says that she hasn't been completely honest with everyone and that...she is legally blind. Everyone gasps! At this, Mrs. Potes looked at the television with disdain and said, "Oh come on. I'm one prescription away from being legally blind. Big deal." She then patted my head and told me the cat needed brushing, and went into the kitchen and poured herself a refreshing glass of ketchup. And then -- and this is actually pretty sad -- Amanda says that she is going to be about thirty when she goes completely blind. Commericals.

When we return, the above is replayed for dramatic effect. Amanda goes on to say that she has retinitis pigmentosa, a degenerative disease in which she can see peripherally, but not straight in front of her face. The girls are all sobbing. They are probably feeling so conflicted and confused that Amanda kept this important information from them for so long. You know who else felt that way? The entire cast of the Hogan family, and all those children who tried in vain to save Tinkerbell. They were ready to clap their hardest, but just couldn't figure out which part of the audience was supposed to clap when. Anyway, Amanda tells them not to cry, and that she will always see their faces. She says she has seen her son smile, and that's all she ever wanted. I don't know. I think I might like Amanda more if she didn't speak in such treacly clichs. She then goes on to say something about a game and being on a different field and not letting anything get in her way blah blah blah. Hey, is TWoP translated into Braille anywhere? Because if so, I'm going to feel like a real asshole.

Jay, wearing a shirt with a confounding number of pockets, tells the remaining semi-finalists that "somebody here is gonna win the competition!" Thanks, MOTO (Master of the Obvious). Jay is going to do a very simple photo shoot: "I'm gonna use my little digital camera. There's gonna be no hair and makeup and clothes, it's just gonna be all about the direction that you get from me and can you really take that direction." To all you girls out there, if you answer an ad for "Models Wanted" in the paper and some guy tells you that: run.

Jay shoots! The girls pose! Photos appear! Tyra, Jay and J. look at the photos to whittle the twenty semi-finalists down to fourteen finalists. They discuss Cassie's profession, Amanda's eyes, Julie's ethnicity, "Kristi"'s lack of neck, Norelle's braces, Yaya's zits, Nargis's lack of ambition, and Eva's insecurity. They discuss the big girls, and say that Mary is prettier and has a much more proportional body, but that Toccara has more "personality." Meanwhile, the girls twitter nervously.

The girls line up for the elimination. Tyra comes out wearing an ugly dress. Surprise. The fourteen finalists are: Ann, Leah, Kelle, Cassie, Yaya, "Kristi," Julie, Magdalena, Nicole, Amanda, Norelle, Toccara, Jennipher, and...Eva. Cut to the bathroom. From beneath a stall we see a pointy little shoe and a thong peeking out of low-rise jeans. It's Rachael. She's bawling. Rachael? Keep it down now. Voices carry. Nargis feels played out. Mary is sad and feels like God let her down. Tyra comforts Rachael and says that her look needs some work, and that perhaps she should try fake red hair like Tyra's. The finalists celebrate.

week: Pack your bags, y'all! You're going to Jamaica! Also, Tyra and the Elders send Amanda to The Towns in search of penicillin.