A subtitle reminding us we're in "Milan, Italy" accompanies shots of carefree, mint-loving Milanos who find it just as weird as the rest of the civilized world does that there's actually an "orange" flavor. They make up a Milan street scene, doing Milano things: they talk animatedly with their hands, they ride bicycles that the cinema of their youths told them are always mere moments from getting stolen, they cruise around on scooters and go, "Ciao!" But up in Il ZoLofto, things are somewhat less "Italy between the hours of 12 and 3 every day and also all day during the entire month of August" and somewhat more "Italy when it was feverishly trying to figure out how to strip Roberto Benigni of his citizenship because of that one year he clomped all over the collective heads of the Academy." A clanging alarm clock rings through the apartmenti, and Yoanna somehow manages to negotiate herself over rolls and rolls of unsightly, excess flab (send your hate mail and dissenting opinions to nigel.barker@antm.com) to turn it off, all the while removing a breakfast Twinkie from her internal monologue and voicing over, "Whoever said modeling was easy...it is not." Whoever did say modeling was easy? Probably neurosurgeons. And professional snipers. And inner-city junior high school teachers. But they are not here to learn. Because they are too busy. Working.
April, meanwhile, sits up in bed, conveniently reminding us through the elegant power of voice-over, "I'm tired." Heh. Maybe if this whole top model gig doesn't work out for her (and...well, just call it a hunch), April can clone her already robotic likeness with a series of talking dolls called "Intuitively Edited April." When sitting up groggily in bed, Intuitively Edited April voices over, "I'm tired." When drinking a glass of water, Intuitively Edited April voices over, "I'm thirsty." When cutting her clothing sheer off her body during an elimination ceremony until she looks like a whorish extra in a Samantha Fox video from, like, ninety-eighty pi, Intuitively Edited April voices over, "I'm booted." She continues talking. That string is much longer than it looks when I pulled it! "Every day that passes by here is another day that we're closer to our dreams." April, you share our collective dream of a show without April? Mommy, can we return this Intuitively Edited April toy? I find it much too technical.
Posta di Tyra! Posta di Tyra! With an elegant Italian accent that subtly tells you that "the best part of Roman Holiday is that I was in it, when I go to my crazy place," Yoanna reads the Tyra Mail: "Fiducia, Sensualita, Beliezza, e Eleganza. Find out what these words mean today." Or, according to my trusty Alta Vista translator and in absolutely no particular order, right now: Confidence Sensualita, Elegance, and, well, "Beliezza." Yeah. I feel Beliezza a lot these days. "Be ready to leave at 12:15." But with the time difference, Jenascia will have forgotten to set her watch, and now she's sure not to get there until 7:15! Those other girls...they can be so Greenwich Mean. (Sorry. Never gets old.)
“ She's turned from ugly duckling into a long-necked swan/ Pack your bags, y'all, you're goin' to Milan. And, we're done. ”
Look! Camille left a note. I'll bet it was entirely improvised. We're treated to a delightful shot of her timely departure in the last real episode, followed by a confessional in which Yoanna sings a song that goes, "Camille is gone, the witch left home," followed by a laugh that lies on the emotional see-saw somewhere just between "unsuccessfully medicated" and "strenuously avoided on the subway." And, I mean, she seems to have a lovely voice, but sister can't stick to the rhythm! And damned if that song doesn't need a little more to it, no? Camille was Yoanna's backstabbing archenemy from the first moment; it's at dramatic high points like this where the songs are actually supposed to come. Oh, very well. Since you asked: "Camille is gone, the witch left home/She's gone to hell or maybe Rome/The show can start now that she's gone/Pack your bags, y'all, you're goin' to Milan." The songwriting credit for that verse will read "Blau/Banks," for any ASCAP certification professionals out there. I didn't know I was going to need her collaborative inspiration just at that moment. That Tyra. She's like the Noel Coward of downmarket crap.
Speaking of musical numbers, we're in the living room of Il ZoLofto, where we're reminded of Mercedes and her overall adorableness when we find her singing a song entitled, "Have you seen my boots?" Yes, she's very cute. Stop hitting me over the head with a high-fashion boot about it. When the did world buy wholesale into the reality that every time someone thinks a bad thought about Mercedes, an angel dies in heaven? We see her almost get booted last week, and back in a confessional she lapses into a wee bit of realitybabble with the realization, "I've gotta step up the pace." In last week's competition, it's true she was pretty wan/Pack your bags, y'all, we're goin' to Milan.
"My challenge is to tone my tummy," Yoanna tells us, quoting a Suzanne Somers infomercial playing in a loop in her head because of the chip Nigel had inserted in her brain. April, meanwhile, wanders in front of passing camera, and after wondering if she's perhaps related to it (she's mechanical, see), she stops to let it know, "I want this so bad. I want to be a model. But I overanalyze. I know that's my weakness." If this show were the cast of Soul Man, you'd be the forgotten-by-time Rae Dawn Chong/Pack your bags, y'all, we're goin' to Milan. This joke is almost over. I swear it.
Shandi, meanwhile, mopes around the house, telling us, "I miss being home and seeing my boyfriend. But then, at the same time, a huge part of me wants to become America's Top Model." She's turned from ugly duckling into a long-necked swan/Pack your bags, y'all, you're goin' to Milan. And, we're done.
“ Nigel reiterates that Shandi's 'Helmut Newton- esque.' Jesus. Get off it. And dammit, Janice, where are you for the follow-up quip: 'Better than Yoanna, who's a bit more Fig Newton- esque.' But she didn't say that. And I haven't been hired for the panel yet why, exactly? ”
Mercedes gets a Janice "A+" for her shirt, which Mercedes made into a plunging neckline jobby with shoulder straps. It does look pretty good, I have to say. Tyra thinks it looks like a real designer did it. Stephen wants Mercedes to come work for him. ["But to come cut for him, he is careful to say, not model. Because he doesn't want her as a model." -- Wing Chun] Mercedes offers what I think she thinks sounds like "grazie," I think.
Tyra reintroduces us to the lovely pictures they took on Lake Como, and I swear you can hear the laughter from the panel. Someone please tell me I'm right? Shandi and Yoanna step forward first, and are shown their best picture. Nigel calls it "very Helmut Newton-esque," and if you don't know what that means, I remember five minutes ago when I didn't really, either. Janice thinks Yoanna looks fantastic, but there is a consensus that Shandi's face looks a little pained. Mercedes and April look like "sisters," but Tyra worries that April overdirected the shoot. Janice warns not to do that, because "they don't like it." Janice? Have you ever cheated on anyone?
Janice frets about Yoanna's "rolls of skin," but says that in her nude shot, she doesn't even see it. ["No waistband = no back fat. Ladies, take a note." -- Wing Chun] Tyra says that it's because she's a "good model," so she knows how to position herself correctly and make the best of her assets. Shandi's legs look great, according to Janice, and Nigel reiterates that she's "Helmut Newton-esque." Jesus. Get off it. Some ladies are naked without being "Helmut Newton-esque." And dammit, Janice, where are you for the follow-up quip: "Better than Yoanna, who's a bit more Fig Newton-esque." But she didn't say that. And I haven't been hired for the panel yet why, exactly?
April thinks too much. But Stephen's never been here before, so he came to that conclusion completely on his own. But he does make the fantastic observation, "She's trying to depict a model how she's seen it in a movie." Nigel thinks she's gone "from strength to strength," but Tyra accuses him, "You just like that ass." And Mercedes, according to Stephen, has too-short legs. Nigel thinks that Mercedes was great in the commercial and the music video, but that "the fashion industry's not gonna get it." Which causes Janice to hear a non-contextual, "You're crazy, Nigel." Which I will start saying indiscriminately to everyone I know.
Four girls. Three pictures. You see the problem here? I sure don't. Yoanna is first up -- "the epitome of Italian sexiness" -- but she still needs to work on that sexiness in person. Shandi is . She gives hope "to young girls who are hiding behind glasses." But they want to know if she really wants it. Mercedes and April please step forward. Awww, they're holding hands. Tyra tells Mercedes that she's gotten very high-fashion, but that they're still not sure. April poses better than all the other girls, but, y'know, she's too mechanical. Which is why she's off on a big mechanical plane, back to Non-Model-Ville. Tears and hugs abound, and April tells us in a teary confessional, "I don't understand. I always win everything." Way to ingratiate yourself. "I'm gonna be a top model anyway," she tells us petulantly. "It's my calling." No disassemble, Stephanie.