Pack your bags, y'all. Over in the Milan Room, it's Prayer O'Clock, which I noticed it was not in the Tokyo Room, clearly owing to the time difference between the two cities and not some narrative juxtaposition we're supposed to be noting right about now. Robin sits self-lovingly on her bed and reads from The Book Of One-Dimensional Characterizations, which is actually part of the Nouveau Testament, and which all the models are reading now ever since the Christian fashionistas deemed the New Testament to be "so five minutes ago." After a few seconds of snuggling up with the Lord -- and Snuggling Up With The Lord is totally going to be the name of my slim volume of self-penned religious homilies, coming this fall from Mighty Big Press -- Robin kicks it over to a confessional, telling us for no as-yet apparent reason, "Miss Shannon is eighteen years old. She's still a virgin. Believes in the Lord." Yup. Shannon. Tight bod. Blonde hair. Never banged anything besides a Bible. Totally remember who she is. With you all the way. Especially since they got rid of that Heather.
Because the expression "too fine a point on it" has joined Reagan and Brando in a land called The Heaven Of The Long-Ago Obsolete, Elyse keeps sawing away, reminding us, "The separation between the two rooms has a lot to do with religion. The house has been divided into 'us and them.'" Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts! Explain how! Money can be exchanged for goods and services! Back in Tokyo, Elyse tells Adrianne, "I was laughing at your ugly tits." Perhaps they're playing another spirited round of "The Janice Dickinson Drinking Game," which is where you say something really mean that Janice might say, secure in the knowledge that Janice, wherever she may be at that exact moment, is getting effing wasted on Black House. ["And why not -- now that Mullen's been fired from EW, we need a new game." -- Wing Chun] Voilà...The Janice Dickinson Drinking Game! "I have beautiful tits," Adrianne shoots back, adding, "Almost everyone that [sic] looks at my boobs are [sic] like, 'God, they're so jiggly and beautiful.'" While everyone who looks at Elyse's boobs, meanwhile, is like, "God, remember when we were five and mom took that picture of us standing up against the closet door wearing our new Superman Underoos?" Because you guys? It's underwear that's fun to wear.
East meets West in an historic summit that followed such a prolonged period of fighting between the two known enemies Tokyo and Milan. Kesse enters the room wearing an exceedingly tight blue sweater and sporting her own pair of beautiful jigglies. (Y'all, I'm just quoting Elyse.) Adrianne suggests that she and Elyse "clean up [their] language," but a quick cut later, Adrianne is asking Kesse, "Would you go to a sex shop?" and Kesse responds, "I've been to sex shops before!" Adrianne high-fives her because dirty girls must cancel each other out and therefore they don't have to worry about catching weird sex shop scabies from one another, while Adrianne chants, "Miss Kesse is down!" Elyse similarly finds her new ad hoc roommate to be so-called "down," as she shares with us, "[Miss] Kesse is hilarious. She's part of the holy room and she's part of the Bible time, and yet I think she's so funny." A funny Christian? Maybe Elyse is learning a little something too! Maybe that there really is a God. And that he's HILARIOUS!
“ Elyse 'took Paris by storm.' Go, unironic weather metaphors! She's The Top Model After Tomorrow. ”
The lovely Emma, mouthpiece and facepiece of the horrible Marilyn Gauthier, says to Robin, "Somebody told me that you had a little secret method...would you like to tell the judges what you did?" Robin cops to the fact that she basically went to a Sherpa For Hire booth and picked up a friend to cart her around for the day, and Marilyn tsk-tsks, "I would never advise a new, young model to do what you did today." Even in France -- where everyone gets to be five years younger and blame it on the time difference -- Robin will never be a "new, young model." She can take care of herself. She can drive a car. She can rent a car. Emma tells Robin that the clients said she could only work on special shoots, and Robin's at the ready with a plus-size retort, "I guess they're just gonna have to create some more special shoots, then." Janice finds Robin's photo "angry," and Robin snips, "Yeah, I guess we didn't have a good time." Tyra thanks Robin and dismisses her, and the look on Janice's face makes her look like she's about to thank Robin right out of France with her three-inch stiletto bondage heels. No, I know she sits behind a table whenever we see her. No, I don't know for sure she's got them. But you just kind of know when you know, right?
"I don't know what she's doing in Paris," Janice says, seemingly the second Robin is out of the room. Marilyn says that there is no plus-size market in France. Tyra finally finds an in to complain about something else on Robin besides her general, overall rump-ishness, worrying about the man who Robin subcontracted to help her out. Adrianne most people want out, Shannon isn't looking after her extensions, and Elyse looks like a little boy.
"There are five of you standing before me, but I only have four pictures in my hand," Tyra says, and at least one girl is all quietly thinking, "So that means that two of us are getting eliminated this week?" But you know who won't be getting eliminated? Elyse. Because she "took Paris by storm." Go, unironic weather metaphors! She's The Top Model After Tomorrow. You know who else isn't going anywhere? Shannon. But she needs to look different than she does, somehow. Robin is also sticking around, but Tyra cautions her, "Use this." Tyra points at her head. I think she intends to mean, "Use your brains," but I think we all know it means, "I am the only damn reason you're still here." Would Kesse and Adrianne please step forward? They will. Kesse is beautiful and photographs well, but she isn't exactly setting the world on fire. Adrianne, meanwhile, has to stop hiding behind her hair. That's the whole complaint? No wonder Kesse gets the boot. Tyra cries as she hands the photo to Adrianne, and a rare Tyra confessional finds her telling us that all of the judges cried that night about Kesse's outster. The girls tear up as the judges ready an upcoming speech for Adrianne in future weeks that includes the incredulous shrugging of shoulders and the repeated use of the words "waterproof mascara.