| Season 19 | Episode Extra | Aired on 11.20.2012
It's the clip show, everybody! In which we get to relive all the glory of the quantitatively distinctive College Cycle, as well as some never before seen footage of Victoria being a crazy person. And we all know there is never enough of that! Additionally, we'll be counting down the top ten freakouts of the season, with Kelly Cutrone's diva dip on Jez Smith being number one OBVIOUSLY.
Let's start at the beginning, for it's a very good place to start. Tyra and her ratty weave welcomed thirty college beauties to casting, of which thirteen were chosen to compete to become America's Top Model. Casting was amusing as always as the models showed their inner beauty, e.g. lip tattoos. What's her name from Harvard demonstrated the ability to recite the periodic table, which is right in line with her sparkling personality. And remember adorable Jessie? We see Rob tell her that she's so cute and innocent-looking, and Jessie responds, "There was a video that was made." That video was a sex tape, which is enough to get Kelly Cutrone's endorsement. Oh, and remember that weirdo who meowed like a cat all the time? Tyra spoke her language, with extra hissing.
While models were being interviewed individually in front of the panel, Kiara was teaching some of the other finalists dance moves backstage. Brittany proposed making their own rap music video, and it did not go so well. Kiara rhymed her own name with model, and model with model, and then model with bottle before admitting that she is not in fact a rapper. Kristin opened up about her high school past, which featured 80 percent of her classmates hating her (likely because she is SO STANK), and that prompted other models to do the same. Many of the models admitted to getting into fights, and Destiny told us all about how her mother kicked her out at 14, and she went into a group home at 16. Though others might assume that made her into a tough chick, she was really kind of a sensitive soul. I'm still mourning the fact that she wasn't a better model.
The final thirteen were chosen and moved into their model house. It didn't take the girls long to realize that Victoria was... special. And had a very special relationship. In never before seen footage, Victoria sat with the other girls and started crying at the mere mention of her mother. She then interviewed that she felt like she was living half a life, because her mother is part of her. Brittany and Kiara were both a little taken a back as Victoria told them that she wants to live with her mother FOREVER, eating tins of cat food and pretending they're pate, just like Big Edie and Little Edie. Victoria then confessionalized, "Seeing her and touching her face and just... I love her more than anything in the world." Touching her FACE? She told the other girls that she is very ambitious and has a lot of hopes for her life, and can do all that she wants to do with her mom by her side. Bottom line: Victoria loves her mom. LOVES her mom. LOVES HER MOM. Loves her mom in a manner that is illegal in 39 states.
| Season 19 | Episode Extra | Aired on 11.20.2012
The girls had a shoot in which they portrayed taxidermied heads, and one thing we didn't get to see was Kiara's softer side backstage. She cried as she had her hair and makeup done, because she had never experienced something like that before. Given her terrible home situation and long-standing dream of modeling, Kiara told us that she wants this a little bit more than the other girls. If you'll recall, the taxidermy shoot didn't go so well for poor Jessie, and she was sent home before ever really getting to show us her stuff. But she learned via Bryanboy that she had a chance to come back into the competition, and would be participating in photo shoots for six more weeks and competing with the other eliminated girls for the comeback slot. Jessie seemed vaguely excited about that, probably because it beats sitting bored in a sequestered hotel room for two months and/or going to architecture school.
Oh Lord, and then we have a Top Model trivia challenge! This one is a softball: "Whose first and last single was titled 'Shake Ya Body'?" The answer choices are Kelly Cutrone, Johnny Wujek, Tyra Banks, and Bryanboy. And, duh. Remember how all the girls had to be in Tyra's video, and she got so emotional about this new, brave step in her career? We should feel grateful that her musical aspirations were stalled so quickly, because there are a lot of words that rhyme with "smize." Prize, rise, skies, wise, guise, flies, French fries. When the answer to the trivia question is revealed to be Tyra, we get the following parenthetical bonus commentary: "(Tyra temporarily lost her mind when she thought she could be a singer.)" If you add up all the times that Tyra temporarily lost her mind, you basically get a continuously lost mind.
We move on to makeover week, which came with a twist this season: the girls could choose to opt out. And Victoria and Maria both did! Pretty much everyone realized that this was a disastrous decision, if only because you'd never hear the end of it from Tyra and Kelly. Poor Destiny got her hair chopped after growing it out for two years, and had a real complex about looking like a boy. We didn't see the extent of the tough love given to her by Kelly Cutrone, in which Kelly told her that she has an androgynous look anyway, and Tyra gave her this hair because she thought it would be an improvement. Kelly said that Destiny was being a little pouty and needed to perk up, and advised her to go outside if she was going to cry. I mean, she's not wrong on that count.
| Season 19 | Episode Extra | Aired on 11.20.2012
Maria was of course the most ill-mannered of all, and actually left of her own accord soon after her non-makeover. We get a glimpse into what the other models actually thought of her, in some never-before seen footage. Kiara, Nastasia, Yvonne and Allyssa all piled into the confessional booth and talked about how stubborn and stupid Maria was to deny a Christophe of Beverly Hills makeover in front of Christophe himself! Nobody could believe Maria has a master's degree, much less from Harvard. Allyssa put it best when she said, "Maria? You stupid."
The girls then had a nude shoot in the park with super-sexy male model and judge Rob Evans. Despite her real-ass bitch status, Darian could only bring awkwardness to her shoot and was eliminated. Meanwhile, Victoria's undying devotion to her mother continued to puzzle the other girls. We see Victoria saying that when Tyra called her name all she could think about was her mom, and getting a whole bunch of "WTF?" expressions in return. Kiara took it upon herself to give Victoria a little tough love. As Victoria talked about how she and her mom would drive to castings and sleep in their car to save money, Kiara noted that Victoria is no longer fourteen and should be able to do... well, anything... without her mom by her side. Victoria felt attacked, but Kiara tried to impart upon her that some separation from your parental figure is healthy. Kiara said in an interview that if she had a dollar for every time Victoria mentioned her mom, she'd have the $100,000 prize already. Victoria just wants Kiara to shut up and cook her potatoes.
The models then headed to Santa Monica for an acting challenge with Tyler Perry. We didn't see their impromptu practice session, which encouraged them to really dig deep. The girls were given various scenarios, and Tyra told them that the more over the top they were, the better. Victoria's scenario was as such: Your fiancé says he's in love with your brother. I paused this episode to type that, and I can't even tell you the anticipation that resulted! Victoria of course went into how betrayed she felt for losing her virginity to the brother-lover because she is maybe a little bit obsessed with virginity. In Leila's scenario, she walked in on her boyfriend making out with her mom, played by Tyra Banks who screamed, "Do you understand? I'm gong through the change right now!" I have to admit to actually liking Tyra for just a moment there. Yvonne had been dating her boyfriend for years and got a box from him containing... a necklace. She dropped a reference to a pregnancy scare, with a bonus finger wave. Flash back to Victoria's scenario, in which she yelled, "I don't have a problem with gay marriage! I'm an open person!" And then, "Like, a three-way with my brother?" In Victoria's family, there's nothing that would be a true surprise.
| Season 19 | Episode Extra | Aired on 11.20.2012
And then there was the zombie photo shoot! Destiny gave TOO much zombie realness, and withered away at panel. She was so dull in the end that we waste no more time on her before going on to another trivia question! "Who has a Marc Jacobs bag named after him?" The options are: P'Trique, Bryanboy, Johnny Wujek and Rob Evans. Surprisingly, the answer is Bryanboy, and the bag is called the Marc Jacobs "BB" bag. Are we SURE that bag is not in tribute to Bob Barker and that this is Marc Jacobs' way of encouraging us to get our pets spayed or neutered?
All season long, Kristin and Leila had a bitter feud, ostensibly over Laura's friendship. Kristin held firm to the belief that Leila was up Laura's butt, and that the two of them would fight to the death over Laura. In Laura's actual anal cavity? Exciting! Leila thought that Kristin had a pretty face but an ugly, dirty, all-around champion stank personality, which was actually true, even though I must admit that she was highly amusing from time to time. What we didn't see (but probably inferred) was Kiara adding fuel to the fire. No fan of Laura, Kiara said that with Kristin in her back pocket, Laura started acting "like a blonde." Kiara felt strongly that the hair dye had gone to Laura's brain, but stated that she could never quite get to Kristin's level, given that Kristin is "dumb as rocks." In support of Kiara's statement, we see footage of Kristin vacantly saying such things as, "I can't wait to look at makeup," and, "I didn't really like school. I didn't really go to school at all." An excellent role model for the college cycle, I'd say!
The photo shoot involved the girls being tossed up in the air as cheerleaders with a high fashion edge. A lot of girls struggled with this shoot -- Laura's fear of heights came into play, while Allyssa made one of the male cheerleaders who was doing the tossing bleed from the head. But in the end Leila was eliminated in something of a shocker, thus giving her a comeback opportunity later. Meanwhile, in never before seen footage, the previously eliminated girls -- Jessie, Darian and Destiny -- were brainstorming about who might have been eliminated. Jessie proposed that it could be "one of the heavier girls," you know, because of the tossing in the air and stuff. They were all totally shocked when Leila walked through the door or, rather, swam through it in a puddle of tears. They instantly became a hug-pod, and Destiny even told Leila that she was so much better than the rest of them. Both Destiny and Jessie thought that Leila was going to win, and then assured her that she actually still could.
| Season 19 | Episode Extra | Aired on 11.20.2012
Tyra tells us that it wouldn't be Top Model without some "rigorous" challenges to test what the girls are made of. This year the rigor involved swinging on a hoop like a stripper, and having perfect strangers throw fish and chips at them. But we didn't see what they were up against when the challenges continued in their very own home. Apparently there was something of a spider infestation, and these new roommates enjoyed hanging out on Brittany's bed. They must have heard of her creature-loving ways through the DUN (Disney Underground Network). It is possible that Allyssa killed some spiders with a Bible. And Kiara took a practical approach to the situation, saying that no one really enjoys spiders, but if you see one you have to do something. OR you just live and let live, and they kill all your other bugs for you. Except for the ones that will kill you, spiders are our friends!
Oh God, and then there's P'Trique, the scourge of Tyra Mail all season. During one of his speedy deliveries, P'Trique noted that it was fun to be with the girls, and just wanted to hang out for a while. So the girls gave him a tour of their house, during which he wondered why they were so damn messy and checked out their runway walks. And then he walked the runway himself. It turns out he's not so bad at the catwalk, or at least is better than Leila (also true of Corgis, the legless, and drunk people).
And then there was a steampunk shoot, involving a fine feathered friend. Yvonne's anger issues proved to be fiercely real, and also showed in her photos. She was eliminated. No need to ruminate on that for too long, because there's another trivia question! And wow, this is a weird one. "Which girl puts glass in a bag and hits it with a hammer when she gets angry?" Despite the fact that this seems like a very Victoria thing to do, the choices are Kristin, Yvonne, Kiara and Allyssa. The answer is Allyssa, and we learn that she also deals with anger by running and "doing a yodel." What?
And then we get some footage of the ladies dealing with their stress by a) doing calisthenics or b) beating the shit out of each other or c) horsing around in the pool. Where is Allyssa's bag of glass when you need it? There were also group bubble baths that never seemed to evolve into bi-curious explanations. Where's Kim Stolz when you need her? For their photo shoot, the girls were photographed in Lohan-esque bad girl gone sad escapades, in what Tyra called one of the grossest photo shoots of all time. Kiara got comfy in a dumpster, Kristin poured milk all over herself, and Allyssa licked a nasty kitchen floor. Despite the fact that she probably ingested roach juice, Allyssa was eliminated. And for the first time, Tyra actually had/showed a feeling! She "cried." I mean, the tear didn't escape the rim of her eyelid, but there was a little glassiness in there. For her, that's major progress.
| Season 19 | Episode Extra | Aired on 11.20.2012
Allyssa's elimination was sad times for all the girls, but Kristin was particularly enraged and blamed it all on Victoria. In never before seen footage, Kristin shared with Brittany precisely how much she despises Victoria and the stupid character roles that she gets into. Kristin then interviewed that Victoria is stupid and added a soulful, "I hate her." Hating people is sort of Kristin's modus operandi, is it not?
And then it was time for the models to go on castings! When Victoria did not book a single casting, she was left distraught. MORE distraught. What we didn't see (even though fundamentally we'd seen it about 1,000 times) was the girls questioning Victoria's ability to handle stress. When Kiara asked if she was OK, Victoria said that she was, but was frustrated that she didn't book something. Kristin added, "I just want to know what's wrong with you." I mean, she has a point. She added, "Your actions make us nervous." In turn, Victoria called Kristin simple-minded. And again, I'd say that's a fair assessment. Kiara said she would stop with the inquisition before Victoria got uncomfortable (too late!) but added as she walked away that she really hoped that everything was okay.
At the photo shoot, the girls all got scared straight with a taste of prison life, '50s bad girl style. It was too much of a challenge for Brittany, who really prefers the "Whistle While You Work" crowd to the "Indecent Exposure" crowd. She was eliminated. But before she could leave, Tyra had a special announcement -- it was time to find out which of the girls had the highest social media score average and thus would be re-entering the competition. It came down to Leila and Allyssa, and to no one's surprise Leila made the official comeback. And just in time to join the other girls for their trip to Jamaica!
But before we get to all the Jamaican shenanigans, we have another trivia question: "If you were to make Rob his favorite dinner, what would that be?" The options are spaghetti and meatballs, sushi, jerk chicken, and cucumber beet salad. The answer is jerk chicken, which gave me a really sloppy visual of Rob slathering Tyra with jerk sauce during one of their romantic interludes. Apparently Rob can't stand cucumber beet salad. Has anyone out there actually heard of cucumber beet salad? How oddly specific!
So, when Leila returned to the competition, she did not exactly get a warm welcome back. Laura was peeved by the comeback because Leila was a real competitor, particularly for shoots requiring a high fashion look. Kristin of course just felt blinding hate. When the ladies got to Jamaica, they were greeted by hot male models, and Kiara wasted no time in getting her flirt on. They moved into their villa at the Half Moon resort, which was of course gorgeous, and in never-before-seen footage, the male models came back to treat them to a day in the sun. They went kayaking and paddleboating and swimming, which also gave them time to admire the chiseled abs of their companions. Kiara went paddleboating with male model Korey, who totally managed to get her to drop her pants by saying that what he really liked about her was... their conversations. Nicely played, stud. Kiara told us that no one had ever said that to her before, which you'd think might facilitate an above-the-head light bulb, but didn't.
| Season 19 | Episode Extra | Aired on 11.20.2012
Meanwhile, Victoria loved the water and the beach, but not so much her male companion, Bobby, who would not allow her to have any much-desired alone time. Kiara confirmed for us that Bobby was all over Victoria, and Victoria said, "I'm a feminist, I'm a virgin... and stroking the hand... that's a little bit much." Victoria somehow managed to get into a prayer position while on a float in the ocean, which is true Godly dedication. And then we get more footage of Victoria telling us that having a boyfriend was never a priority for her, and losing her virginity would feel like she was invading her own personal boundaries. Her exit plan, in the event that Bobby got too forward, was to whack him upside the head, which seems sensible enough.
At the photo shoot, the girls were caught in a love triangle between Rob and the sexy male models, and of course Victoria had another long, drawn-out backstory that involved re-naming Rob "Mattaa." Her tendency to overanalyze, along with her tendency to be balls-out crazy, finally got her sent home. A nation wept.
And then there was the dolphin challenge! Most of the girls had fun posing in the surf, and Laura even went so far as to flash everyone when she was boosted up by a pair of dolphins. Leila, however, got whacked in the leg by a dolphin nemesis. Despite this harrowing injury, she managed to win the challenge and chose Kiara to accompany her to a day at the spa. As they relaxed and waited to get beautified, they talked about how Laura and Kristin hated Leila, and Kiara chalked it up to the fact that Leila was a threat in the competition. She surmised that Laura and Kristin were bonus-pissed because Leila won the dolphin challenge while the two of them were at the bottom. The day the girls got to sample some local cuisine, including a specialty called Lionfish. Apparently, if Lionfish is cooked the wrong way, you can die, due to its poisonous spikes. Nobody let Kristin near the frying pan!
Then there was the Dunn's River Falls shoot, when the girls were photographed by Tyra in a potentially dangerous setting. And yet none of them managed to bash their heads on the rocks. Sad times. We get to see some of Tyra's photos of the already-eliminated girls. Jessie looked divine, even with half a plastic hanger in her head. Meanwhile, Laura and Kristin both struggled. Despite her backstage panel freakout (number 3 below!), Kristin continued to fail at H2T modeling and was sent home.
And then it's time for another trivia question! Laura is a certified instructor in what? The choices are Pilates, aerobics, Lamaze, and scuba diving. LAMAZE? The actual answer is Pilates, and we learn that she's been certified since 2009. A real fascinating character, that one!
| Season 19 | Episode Extra | Aired on 11.20.2012
In some bonus footage, we see the girls go swimming Jamaica-style -- with horses! -- because there hadn't been enough opportunity for an animal to kill Leila already. Kiara was not feeling it, because she doesn't like going deep into the ocean anyway. Leila planned to slide off of her horse's back and hang onto its tail, which is apparently something that's actually sanctioned in horse swimming. But once she got back there, the horse pooped on her! And then she was just swimming in watery poop for ages. Poor Leila should never go to the zoo. The girls shot their Dream Come True ad, in which Nastasia's youthful exuberance was perhaps a little too pre-teen. The judges thought that her photo was too cutesy and looked like it was marketing perfume to ten year olds, and she and her glorious hair were eliminated.
And then we were down to our final three! The girls had a super high-pressure shoot with Nine West, which also happened to be Kelly's client. This led to freakout number one, obviously. But this was nothing compared to the freakout of Tyra's brain, which communicated these words to her lips during the final fashion show: "And now, their spirit-bodies must take to the runway to reclaim their mortal smizes." And oh, that final runway show. The fashions were crazy, and then Leila managed to fall... twice. So, she lost. "Curvy" Laura edged out Kiara to become America's Top Model, and then we were all permitted to instantly forget about her. Huzzah!
And you didn't think I would leave you without going through the list of Top Model freakouts, did you?
Number 10! This was Leila, wrestling with PTSD from her dolphin bruise, crying and hyperventilating as she rode a horse on a Jamaican beach. Leila and animals do not mix, says Tyra!
Number 9! Kelly Cutthroat Cutrone took on Melodramatic Maria after she refused a makeover. Kelly told Maria that no agency would represent an inflexible model who was just starting out, to which Maria snitted that she already had an agency, to which Kelly Cutrone offered to give her $10,000 for every national campaign she's done. Kelly Cutrone paid out zero dollars on that one. Maria was awfully dismissive, and Kelly stormed off on the grounds that Maria was committed to defending mediocrity.
Number 8! Real-ass bitches! Kiara was the star here, but if you'll recall, the other party in the real-ass bitch debate was Darian, who said Kiara was just another skinny girl with a weave. This commentary was brought to you by another skinny girl with a weave.
| Season 19 | Episode Extra | Aired on 11.20.2012
Number 7! Leila and Laura's high school cry-a-thon reached its apex when Leila accused Laura of being obsessed with herself. That's the same thing that everyone has told Laura for her whole life! And whoa! There was a whole lot more to the fight that we didn't see, involving Allyssa calling Kiara an instigator, and Kiara calling Allyssa the two-faced fakest bitch there for the wrong reasons. And whoa! Then Kristin got involved by calmly telling Kiara to shut the fuck up, and adding that Kiara was annoying as fuck. Kiara called Kristin a child, and told us that Kristin is a bitch, and has been a bitch for a long time so is really good at it. Fact. Kristin has no problem with that, in case you were wondering.
Number 6! Yvonne and Bryanboy threw down during the steampunk owl shoot. She thought he was rude, he thought she was rude, and they were both right.
Number 5! Kristin went in Destiny's purse, and Destiny wasn't so thrilled by it. Never one to miss an opportunity to be stankity stank, Kristin yelled at Destiny repeatedly to hit her. Because she's mean! Mean mean mean mean mean. Mean.
Number 4! Victoria may have been misunderstood, but was a girl full of character. Or, full of characters. One of the most memorable was her British philanthropist (???) who crawled on the street and yelled, "Leave me alooooone!" during the Tyler Perry challenge. Was Victoria sending a message to the other girls? Or perhaps to the mothership?
Number 3! As Kiara and Leila celebrated backstage at panel after the Dunn's River Falls shoot, Kristin got more and more pissed at how disrespectful they were being of the girls who sucked, such as herself. And then when Leila tried to state her opinion on the matter, Kristin gave a respectful, "Bitch, shut up!" Adding that she neither liked nor respected Leila. It really is amazing that no one ever decked her.
Number 2! The collective phone calls of Victoria to her mom! Oh Lord, did she cry. And cry. And cry. It was those words of encouragement from her mom that allowed her to stay in the competition so much, to our delight and amusement. Thank you, Mama Country Cooking!
Number 1! Kelly Cutrone versus Jez Smith, Nine West shoot. Some poor producer had to get involved. Kelly told us that she's worked with photographers whose prints sell for $40,000, and none of them have ever spoken to her like that. TO HER FACE. She does admit that Jez was nice to the models, and got some good photos.
Number 1 Plus! You didn't think Tyra would have a countdown list and not put herself at the top, did you? Tyra acted a fool during panel, in order to teach Kristin a lesson about acting a fool. She did reference, "I have never in my life yelled at a girl like this!" which I would say was self-aware if I believed that Tyra had one molecule of self-awareness in her body.
| Season 19 | Episode Extra | Aired on 11.20.2012
And that's it! Cycle 20 is going to be girls AND guys, which should lead to more robust ogling opportunities. Thanks for reading throughout this season, and please avoid hoochie-tooching in all your holiday photos!
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