| Season 11 | Episode 1 B | Aired on 09.03.2008
The fourteen finalists barely get a minute to breathe before the competition is on. The first order of business is getting two of three Brittanys to change their name -- we thus get Sharaun and McKey. The girls move into the house without much ado about beds and that sort of thing. Hannah is especially excited since, as I'm sure we'll hear many more times before she gets the boot, she grew up without electricity or running water. Also, in case you didn't realize, Marjorie is twitchy and awkward and home schooled. Isis, who was born a man, has to field a bunch of questions about her transition to living as a female, and handles it all with grace and class. Clark and Hannah spend some time bonding over their more "traditional views," which I think are born from a small town upbringing on Hannah's part and an inbred sort of wankery on Clark's part. McKey is super cool with Isis, and also wants to continue her boxing training. She beats up on a pillow, and we can only hope that she'll soon turn her energies toward Clark.
The girls head to the Magic Castle Hotel and Club, which is a very spooky private club for magicians. They meet Ed Alonzo, the Misfit of Magic, who makes two Jays, a Nigel, and a Paulina appear! The girls disperse around the Magic Castle for some one-on-one time with the judges. Nigel thinks there's something unusual about Isis, yet seems to think it's totally normal that Lauren Brie has a white mother and a cheese father. Sharaun is a big, overconfident weirdo. Nigel thinks she's intriguing, but I don't think he means in a good way.
Things get political for the photo shoot, which features quasi hot-button issues made fierce. To their credit, most girls seem to realize it's an election year. Clark, however, hasn't a clue what "bureaucracy" means, yet manages to work out a few context clues when she approaches her set filled with red tape. Hannah, for her part, isn't sure how she feels about nuclear weapons. Well, at least she didn't say "nucular." Sharaun is super stank as she makes mad offensive comments about Isis during her shoot. After you wax that lip you can start to talk about how another bitch needs to shave, fool. Marjorie and Isis work it out (suck it, haters) and get called first and second, respectively. In the end, Nikeysha's cloning photo is just good enough to overcome her annoying personality and, after she agrees to shut her trap every now and again, she's spared from elimination. This is not such good news for Sharaun, who is sent home with her haterade in tow. Don't let the door hit you in the ass when you leave!
Check out our take on the first half of the season premiere here. And watch as our vloggers discuss the tranny contestant.
It's the Top Model premiere, part deux! The fourteen finalists apparently get to partake in a vintage car show on their first day in L.A. Klassy, like a Wal-Mart parking lot! Samantha tells us that she's going to miss her high school graduation and prom, but you only get one shot at being a future footnote in reality TV history, so you have to make the best of it. Brittney B. just turned 18 and wants to be America's Top Model really, really badly. Sucks to be her. Brittany S. says that she's normally the tough girl who wants to hang out with all the guys, but she also likes to clean up real nice. Marjorie emigrated from France when she was nine, and was home-schooled for seven years. Ah, that explains it, doesn't it? I figured either that or she was a Scientologist. She explains that she's very different from the other girls, and that - along with just about everything else in the universe - makes her feel uneasy. Poor Marjorie. She seems very sweet, but she is really, really twitchy.
The girls congregate en masse on a rooftop, and we learn that Tyra was not having any kind of three Brittanys on her show this year. So, as with last year's Amis, she asked two of the Brittanys to change their names. Brittany B. is thus going by "Sharaun," while Brittany S. has chosen "McKey." I find it impossible to believe that once again neither of these ladies chose "Wholahay." In other news, it is still all kinds of Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt whack that Tyra made these grown bitches change their names. Isis reminds us that she's transgendered, meaning that she was born physically male, but in all other respects is female. She began transitioning a while ago, and wants to have the surgery. You know, the surgery. Please don't tell me that Tyra's going to get the guy who gave Joanie her veneers to have at Isis.
The Jays emerge, and Nikeysha expresses her enduring love for them. Jay Manuel notes that there are fourteen lucky bitches before him, and Miss J. reminds the girls that Tyra is from L.A. and got her start here. The pointlessness of the rooftop excursion is then revealed as the girls go running down to the ground floor to catch the biodiesel bus back to their model house. The house is typically lovely, and the girls whoop it up further. Hannah, of course, is especially happy, as she's never seen an electric light bulb or heard of the miracle of indoor plumbing. Because she's from Alaska. Maybe Jewel lived in her van all that time because it really wasn't so different from Alaskan real estate. Brittany B. - nay, Sharaun - picks up the phone and acts like it's Tyra calling to tell her that she's America's Top Model. Nikeysha tells her in short order that she's been disconnected. One ringy-dingy, two ringy-dingies.
| Season 11 | Episode 1 B | Aired on 09.03.2008
One hallway in the house is dedicated to the "Fiercee" awards, which is apparently something that Tyra did on her show to mock and/or laud our favorite contestants throughout the ages. I must have missed that episode. Toccara got the Ultimate Fiercee award. Doesn't "Fiercee" sound like a delicious frozen concoction that you'd buy at 7-11? It's made of artificial sweetener and hair extensions and it makes you smile with your eyes.
Some of the girls gather around Isis and ask her questions about being transgendered. They talk about her voice, which Brittany R. thinks is just fine as it is, and Isis also says that in order to get rid of an Adam's apple you have to have it filed down. Yikes. Joslyn asks how she hides her remaining male business in a swimsuit, and Isis attributes her clean lines to the magic of tape. She is very patient with all the questions. We cut to an interview with Sharaun who says, "Isis is over the top. America's Top Model is not going to be a drag queen." She is conveniently forgetting that Tyra is a drag queen in a slightly more masculine body, and will pick whatever damn girl she wants to be Top Model, especially if people are bored about hearing how her thighs are big, but not as big as we think they are, and it will get her press. I mean, not to be cynical or anything. I actually think it's great that Isis is on the show, but I always suspect Tyra's motives.
The girls then want to learn something interesting about Marjorie. After Isis, everyone else kind of pales in comparison, which is perhaps why Marjorie refuses to tell them anything. Marjorie interviews that her behavior thus far in the competition can be summed up in one word: scared. She's very self-conscious, and hasn't yet figured out a way to be comfortable with who she is, and always wonders whether people like her or not. Marjorie makes me want to get a degree in chemistry and actually go invent a chill pill, just so she can go down to the Chelsea drugstore and get her prescription filled.
And now it's time for some pool shenanigans! Isis tells us that she can't just sit around when there's a pool in her backyard, so is going to make it work somehow and get in the pool. And she does! That's one better than denied semi-finalist Kacey. Isis tells us that this is the first time she's gone swimming as the real Isis, and she loves the dainty feel of her bikini top. I might note that I have the same bikini as Isis, in green. Which contrary to what Elina believes is totally a gender-neutral color. God, Elina hasn't even been on screen once this episode and I already want to tell her to shut up. McKey picks up Isis in the water, which I think is kind of a nice move on her part, and also shows us that McKey is in fact as buff as she claims. McKey interviews that Isis is a pretty cool chick. Given her situation, you'd think that she'd want to hide everything, says McKey, but she's open with everybody. McKey is a big, tough fighter girl, but says that Isis is tenfold braver than she is. I love McKey! Isis talks to her in the pool about transitioning, and says it's like going through puberty all over again. She says she's developing and McKey adds, "Like a butterfly." Awww! I almost got a tiny tear.
| Season 11 | Episode 1 B | Aired on 09.03.2008
As a contrast to this lovely moment, we cut to Clark. She says to Hannah that she's not going to lie, Isis makes her uncomfortable and she's freaked out that Isis has "something else different down there." Clark is pleasant and articulate! A winning combo if ever there was one. Hannah acknowledges that as much as she tried to convince herself that she was comfortable with Isis, she's really not. Hannah says that some people have a warped view of transgendered people, including herself, because she's from a small town. Does Hannah know what a "warped view" even means? Clark adds that if you walked around like that in a small town, you'd get shot. She says it's not a closed minded view, just more traditional. And not open to learning about people who are different from you. Which would equal closed minded. About 80% of Clark's problem is that she's generally hateful, I think. But also, note to self: steer clear of Pawley's Island, South Carolina. Clark interviews that she's from a good Southern family. Aren't they all? She says she was thrown by Isis, and that growing up in the South you don't exactly run into a "he-she" everyday. Girl, they just wear more makeup and bigger hair so it's not as apparent. But yes, she actually did just say "he-she." Clark emphatically feels that Isis has no place in this competition. We cut to lovely doe-eyed Isis in the pool and think about the universal struggle of good versus evil as we head to commercials.
When we return, McKey is throwing punches in the air to the tune of "Eye of the Tiger." She reminds us that she's really into mixed martial arts and loves fighting, and was therefore worried about what being on the show would do to her training routine. However, she seems totally comfortable straddling a pillow on the porch and punching the living stuffing out of it. Clark helpfully reminds us that this is a modeling competition and not a fighting competition, and adds that McKey is not right in the head. I would like to see McKey get in just one solid right hook at Clark's moneymaker.
Tyra Mail! And this year's Tyra Mail features Tyra dolled up like an actual postman. There's not been a mail carrier so hot since Mr. McFeely. I guess this makes Tyra Ms. McFiercee. The Tyra Mail reads: "Tomorrow, it's going to get really intimate in under a minute. I assure you it will be...magical. Love, Tyra." Mr. McFeely certainly never delivered that kind of message. Maybe once in a while to Lady Elaine Fairchild, which is why she was always so red in the face.
| Season 11 | Episode 1 B | Aired on 09.03.2008
The girls board their bus and head to the Magic Castle Hotel and Club. They enter the palace-like abode, which is a little spooky inside. It's dark, and has a bunch of those paintings where the eyes follow you all around the room. In some cases, two sets of eyes per painting! A voice welcomes them to the Magic Castle, which is in fact the world's most famous private club for magicians. A curtain rises to reveal Ed Alonzo, also known as the Misfit of Magic. He pulls a charred stuffed cat out of his hat. Well, I guess it's better than Carrot Top taking a sledgehammer to a watermelon or whatever. Ed Alonzo has the two Jays wheel out a cabinet with a sequined curtain. The cabinet is completely empty. Ed Alonzo then closes the curtain, utters the magic word - "fierce," you must be surprised to learn - and suddenly Nigel appears! It is the magic...of editing. The girls whoop it up and Sheena interviews, "Are you kidding me? He looks like a Ken doll." Ed Alonzo then opens a big book called Secrets of a Top Model to reveal Paulina Porizkova! Yay! Paulina tells the girls that the world of modeling, much like the world of magic, is a world of illusions. Top models have to be many different things to many different people. Or, clothes hangers to a small set of people who design things that are too damn small for anyone normal to wear. Anyway, today, the judges want to find out who the girls are. Trust me, Nigel, it's not all that interesting. But each girl will have one-on-one face time with the judges for the first time. It's their big chance to show their stuff, and they will of course be evaluated. When Marjorie learned of the task for the day, fear struck her. Maybe she could just pull her turtleneck over her head and hope that nobody notices the coral-shaped lump in the middle of the room? I think she might actually get a better evaluation that way.
The judges spread out throughout the Magic Castle, and the girls head off to find them. Samantha is first to find Jay Manuel, as McKey discovers Miss J. Sharaun manages to find Paulina and annoy her instantly with her pageant presentation. She says she's America's Top Model and Paulina just gets scary eyes and says, "Oh really?" Sharaun gives Miss J. the same spiel, and he's not having it either. Sharaun interviews that she's very confident, but doesn't want anyone to read it as cockiness or arrogance. I think that so far everyone's just reading it as batshit mental. Sharaun sees Nigel, who asks her what she thinks the difference is between being a beauty queen and America's Top Model. Sharaun derides beauty queens for wanting world peace. Nigel tells us that he only met Sharaun for a few minutes, but she left him wondering who she was, where she came from, and where she's going. I can answer all three of those questions: an asswipe; the Bre Cloning Academy of Planet Delusia; home, in short order.
| Season 11 | Episode 1 B | Aired on 09.03.2008
We cut to Paulina asking McKey what she would do if she was on a shoot and the photographer proposed sexual relations to her. Marry him! Well, that's what I would do. McKey would, and I quote, "Walk up to him, kick him in the balls, punch him in the face and walk off." Oh my God, McKey sounded exactly like Cher when she said that! Just when I thought I couldn't love her more. Lauren Brie asks Jay for pointers about posing, and he gives her the old "smile with your eyes" standby. Joslyn asks Miss J. for the greatest tip he can give her about runway walking. He tells her to keep her day job, and they both crack up. Nigel asks Marjorie who is her favorite photographer. She draws a blank and laughs nervously, and Nigel tells her that confidence is key. I long for Marjorie to leave the room and bust into the "I'll make them see that I have confidence in me!" song from The Sound of Music. She fits the Maria Von Trapp profile pretty well, doesn't she? How do you solve a problem like Marjorie? Meds.
Samantha tells Paulina that she's a sporty girl, and plays four sports in high school. Paulina asks if she can incorporate her love of the physical into modeling. Samantha says of course, and that she can hold a 12-pound ball in her hand for three hours if need be. Paulina seems to like Samantha, and says that if she photographs well she can be one of those Cheryl Tiegs/Christie Brinkley beautiful sunny blondes. Nigel gives Isis a little test to see if she knows how to find the light. She does! Nigel tells us that Isis is the only one of the bunch who really knows her stuff. But with that being said, there's something about Isis that's very unusual. First there are kisses, then there are sighs. I can't believe they're making Nigel be That Guy. We cut back to Miss J. clowning with Joslyn for a second, then summarily dismissing her. And with that, the visit to Magic Castle is concluded.
The girls return to the house to find a giant present in the backyard. Turns out each girl gets a package of "model basics" from Iconics, whatever that is. But free clothes, yay! Sheena and Marjorie hang out in bed, and Marjorie asks Sheena if she ever feels nervous or anxious. Sheena doesn't. She tells Marjorie to do her best, and not hold back, and bring that European swagger that she's got. Marjorie is kind of delighted to think that she might actually have a swagger. Sheena interviews that she sees Marjorie as a work in progress. Sometimes she discourages herself, says Sheena, and needs to give herself more credit. I want Sheena to be my life coach! When I'm doubting myself, I'm just going to think, WWSD (What Would Sheena Do), and bring on the swagger, and end every sentence with, "...Okay?"
| Season 11 | Episode 1 B | Aired on 09.03.2008
Tyra Mail! "Fashion isn't the only way to make a statement. Love, Tyra." Oh God, please don't tell me they're going to make them try to articulate a thought. [Shudder.]
The girls head to the set of the week's shoot, which is decked out with a mini statue of liberty, stars and stripes, and elephant and donkey statues. Jay Manuel emerges from a booth. Girl, you know he was doing more than voting in there when he pulled the lever. Jay notes that it's 2008, and the girls seem cognizant of the fact that it's an election year. Never before has the younger generation been so excited and motivated about a presidential race, he says. So today the girls have to not only tackle the issues, but also convince the younger generation that voting is sexy. Well, I'm already sold, and will be wearing my stilettos to my polling place come November! The Top Models who are not yet registered will also get registered today. Is it anti-democracy for me to want to hide the registration forms from Clark and Hannah?
Jay continues that Tyra is passionate about this presidential race, and has had many of the presidential candidates on her talk show. Indeed, it was truly memorable when she taught Hillary Clinton how to touch her booty. Tyra has brought ANTM staple Mike Rosenthal on to be the photographer for the day. The girls go through hair and makeup and wardrobe to prepare for their first "real" shoot. We see that wardrobe mavens Anda and Masha are back.
Marjorie is up first on the set, and her issue is "immigration." How fitting, as she herself is an immigrant! This happy coincidence makes Marjorie feel almost comfortable, except for the fact that she is always uncomfortable in every situation. But she was encouraged to try to do her best. Some of the other girls hang out on set as extras. In the shoot, Marjorie's polling place appears to be in the middle of a chain link fence, and maybe uses buffalo hide as a curtain for the voting booth. And there are all sorts of newspaper on the ground and flying around. Is she being held at Guantanamo or something? Marjorie apparently understands this concept better than I do, and manages to wrangle her awkwardness into concave-backed shapes that are perfect for an editorial-style shoot.
Brittany R. is , and her issue is "military." Apparently, the military is a fan of ruffled chiffon curtains for its voting booths. You might not have asked, but I told you anyway. Again there is newspaper blowing all around. But also, I think, maybe a canteen of some sort? Or a camouflage backpack? So, you know, military. Brittany works her hair in the wind that results from a canon firing, or whatever.
| Season 11 | Episode 1 B | Aired on 09.03.2008
We cut to Clark saying to some of the other girls, "Talk to me about bureaucracy." She wonders if Communists have a bureaucracy. The thing about good southern families is that they're not really genetically engineered to produce beings of superior intelligence. Dumb-ass then calls over McKey, who at least has a vaguely smart look about her (unlike Hannah and Lauren Brie, who are absolutely no help), and asks if she knows the definition of bureaucracy. McKey kind of bobs her head around and says, "I'm not gonna tell you." It could be that she doesn't really know either, but at least she has the sense of shame not to admit it. Clark thinks that McKey needs to chill out. I think that Clark might try vocabulary flash cards in her spare time. Clark appears on her set that's full of red tape, and both the photographer and Jay encourage her to smile with her eyes. No matter how dumb you are, if you smile with your eyes it fixes everything. Jay notes that Clark is giving him the same face in every picture and looks like a really pretty plastic Barbie. Not a bureaucratic Communist Barbie, though, which is too bad.
McKey's issue is "environment." Her voting booth is in the middle of the jungle. Jay, who's aware that he's spewing puns, notes that she looks a little green. McKey admits that she's a bit confused about how the environment plays into the "voting is sexy" theme. Yeah, they really should have thought about having her pose naked on top of a polar bear who himself was standing on an ever-shrinking ice chunk. Jay wants McKey to feel sexy, so encourages her to think about how much she likes to fistfight her boyfriend. He wants it to be rumbly and tumbly, but also modelly. McKey starts boxing the air. Jay likes how it looks like she's fighting for the environment, but Clark just thinks she looks crazy. She adds, "Poor girl. She's gone." Stupid Clark with her stupid face and her stupid Jessica Simpson voice and stupid tiny Jessica Simpson brain. Commercials.
But wait! It's Whitney in her newest My Life As a Cover Girl spot ! She has gone from Monica Lewinsky to Blossom with the mere change of a hat! Whitney talks about wanting to make an impression, then runs in a tank top to make said impression. And really, if it's hot enough to wear a tank top outside, I think it's hot enough to leave your bowler hat at home. Castings are all about making an impression, and nothing makes an impression like a beautiful smile that's decked out in sticky WetSlicks! Wait, is "WetSlicks Amazement Lip Gloss" a new thing that freshens your breath as it makes your lips sparkle and shine? Wait - it is! And it is fact "WetSlicks Amaze-Mint!" What will the marketing geniuses at Cover Girl think of ?!?!?
| Season 11 | Episode 1 B | Aired on 09.03.2008
Hannah is up, and her topic is "nuclear weapons." While she understands that they have damaging effects, Hannah is just not sure how she feels about them. I mean, is anyone really pro-nuclear weapons besides the Bush administration and North Korea? Maybe nuclear weapons could be used as an alternative heating source in some of Alaska's more remote neighborhoods, and that's why she doesn't want to badmouth them? Sadly, Hannah's set does not involve her posing in front of a mushroom cloud.
Elina is up , with the issue of "foreign policy." She looks vaguely foreign, and is smiling with her eyes. It makes me want to go and vote for someone who knows something about foreign policy! Sorry again, Sarah Palin.
Christian Marc makes up Isis and tells her she's got good skin. Isis notes her transformation from background model to one of the baddest bitches in front of the camera. Her issue is "privacy." The curtain is clear on her voting booth, and there are cameras and other girls spying on her. It's like the Patriot Act unfolding right in front of our eyes! Don't spill your tucking secrets now, Isis, they're all watching! Sharaun takes this opportunity to get stank, as she clowns on Isis trying to be sexy. She interviews, "Reality is, she's a man." Sharaun then goes on to mock Isis with a few other girls during the shoot, or at least the editing makes us think so by adding a terrible overdub to a shot of the girls' backs where we don't see any lips moving. In any case, at some point Sharaun (at least we are led to believe it's Sharaun) cracks that Isis needs to shave and is sweating up a storm. And seriously, if those are the qualifications for being a he-she then count me among the ranks. Isis interviews that she's given up so much to be there, and isn't letting any of these girls get in the way of her dreams. Isis works the voting booth, and Jay happily notes that she gave them couture.
Sheena is as "energy." Jay is concerned that she might make things a little too hoochie. He uses the clever code "Hooch!" to warn her when she's venturing in hoochie territory. In her defense, she's wearing a hot pink sequined mini-dress and is sitting on a very tiny Corvette. And, randomly, her lips are blue. Sheena tells us that she knows she naturally exudes a lot of sexual charisma, but she never thought of herself as a hoochie. To quote a guest on an episode of The Ricki Lake Show from about 15 years ago, "If you need to call me a hoochie, then you must." It's strange how some things just stay with you, isn't it?
| Season 11 | Episode 1 B | Aired on 09.03.2008
Joslyn's issue is "unemployment," which is fitting as she is, in fact, unemployed. She feels sexy whether or not her bills are paid. In her set, she just looks poor and has a lot of paperwork to fill out. Jay gives her the ultimate compliment, which he's never given to anyone before: "It's almost Tyra Banks hot." Damn, Squeaky Fromme!
Analeigh's issue is "healthcare," which is something Clark is going to need when McKey finally has had enough and punches her in the throat. Analeigh's voting booth is set up in a hospital, and she fiercely poses with an IV bag. She takes the direction to extend her neck well.
And then there's Sharaun. Elina notes that Sharaun is always wild and over the top and crazy, which Elina finds repulsive in most girls. Sharaun's issue is "homeland security." Red alert! Red alert! Severe risk of stankitude! Jay tells her that she's looking a little convoluted. Sharaun's response: "A little what?" Leave it to these girls to make Jay Manuel seem like freaking Stephen Hawking. Her face is killing Jay, and not softly with its song. She was really stiff and generally sucked. Maybe she would have done better with a little stubble.
we have Samantha. She has learned, by watching the other girls, that she needs to be sexy. A quick study, that one. Her issue is "economy." She poses in front of a pastiche of dollar bills and piggy banks and charts and graphs. In Samantha's own words: "Politics...economy...I'm representing." She apparently does a pretty good job.
we have Lauren Brie, whose issue is "education." And really, I am just waiting for the Gates Foundation to dump some money in the Top Model Rejects Go Back to Sixth Grade Fund. Lauren Brie says she's very passionate about education, and is in fact in college right now. I think what she means is that one time last summer she made a collage of Tyra Banks photos, and as we all know that's a Fiercee-worthy achievement.
And God, there's still another one! I forget how exhausting these photo shoots are early in the season. Nikeysha's issue is "cloning," and it will make you smile with your eyes to note that even Sutan thinks this is kind of stupid. Nikeysha poses in front of a chemistry set, and there will be two of her! Lord, one is bad enough. Jay liked that Nikeysha had variety in her poses, but didn't so much like the lack of variety in her face.
The girls return home to find the Tyra Mail of Doom. Someone's going home. Sharaun says that she's ready for someone to get cut and for Tyra to tell her that she's America's Top Model. Sharaun get ready, there's a train-a-comin' to take you back to wherever it is you came from. Marjorie tells Analeigh that she's bracing herself for negative commentary. Analeigh tells her that she should be confident about the shoot. In an interview, Marjorie says that her insecurities are mainly due to the fact that she's so different from the other girls. She's not as different as Isis, and should thus take a few lessons in how to compose herself. Marjorie acknowledges that if she's going to make it farther in the competition, she has to toughen up. With that, we head to commercials.
| Season 11 | Episode 1 B | Aired on 09.03.2008
We are welcomed to panel with a photo of Tyra in an American flag t-shirt and granny panties, her hair done up resplendently in aluminum-can rollers. I guess the issue here is "cost-cutting by drinking cheap beer and eschewing hair product." Tyra is rocking a longish bob this season, and I have to say it suits her, and kind of makes me want to get my hair cut in exactly the same way, except for the shame I would feel taking a photo of Tyra Banks to the salon. Amazing hair aside, Tyra's spirit is akin to Susan B. Anthony as she expounds, "Very strong amazing women fought for us to have the right to vote, so that right to vote is now not just a right, it is our re-spon-si-bil-i-teeeee." And we can enact that responsibility while also vying for a contract with Elite Model Management, a six-page spread in Seventeen magazine, and a $100,000 contract. We also meet our judges: acclaimed fashion photographer Nigel Barker, runway diva coach extraordinaire Miss J. Alexander, and legendary supermodel Paulina Porizkova. Paulina is looking typically lovely, Nigel is looking typically swarthy and pervy, and Miss J. is looking typically cracked out.
Marjorie is up first for evaluation. Nigel comments that he wants to see something besides her nerves, but Paulina jumps in to say that she didn't see nerves - she saw a brain. In this context, that's like spying the Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot having high tea. No wonder she sounds so excited. Miss J. thinks the lines in Marjorie's body are brilliant, and Tyra agrees that her photo is devine. To make things even better, Marjorie had a lot of shots to choose from. Oh, yay.
Sharaun is . Miss J. says that his problem with Sharaun is that she loves to spread her legs. Someone explain to me exactly how that's problematic? Nigel thinks that Sharaun looks less like the person who's protecting us in her homeland security shot, and more like she's been handcuffed to the...homeland security machine. The Securitizer 2009?
Clark is . She thinks it's pretty funny that she didn't know what "bureaucracy" was. Tyra wonders why she didn't ask someone what it meant, and Clark says that she kind of figured it out once she got to the set and saw all the red tape. Yes, at that point she remembered earlier conversations with Isis and figured that bureaucracy was a form of package-tucking. Paulina thinks that Clark looks like a black widow in her photo, which is not really the point at all. Tyra wants Clark to have been frustrated, but still sexy. It is a mediocre performance, which, ha.
| Season 11 | Episode 1 B | Aired on 09.03.2008
Elina is , with her portrayal of foreign policy. Nigel likes it and says that she looks patriotic. Jay agrees with Nigel's assessment, though he would like to see a little more neck. Elina does photograph well.
is Nikeysha the clone. She approaches panel all awkwardly, clutching to her moth-eaten cardigan. Tyra tells her to take it off and show some damn personality. Paulina thinks that Nikeysha's face looks really good, but her legs are not model legs. She whips out the old Janice Dickinson "amputee" classic line. Nikeysha starts back-talking about the photo choice and getting her legs and her face to look good at the same time, and Paulina and Tyra call her out on the excuse-making. Tyra tells Nikeysha that she has problems taking critique, and needs to shut her damn trap.
Samantha is up, and Tyra gives her a few instructions to make her look less like a mall rat. Tyra then tells Samantha that she looks like Bridget Hall in her photo. Paulina adds that Samantha is built a bit more like models were in her generation, which is to say that she looks like she eats a salami sandwich now and again and lives somewhere other than a darkened crypt. Hooray for that.
up is Joslyn. Tyra says she looks like Tyra on a go-see back in the day, which is to say: dated. On Joslyn's unemployed shot, Miss J. says, "Well you look like you're going out to get some work." He is not kidding! Tyra notes that it might not have anything to do with unemployment, but Joslyn is finger-waving fiiiiiiiierce. Seriously, who knew Joslyn could look that good, ever?
Analeigh is . Nigel doesn't think that her shot has anything to do with healthcare. Paulina disagrees, saying that Analeigh looks strong and capable of sticking a needle in your ass. However, she has no idea how to look toward the light.
Brittany is , in her military shot. Miss J. loves that she looks six feet tall. Her pose is strong, powerful, and proud. Tyra notes that her brother has been in the air force for 20 years, and she knows he'll send her an email telling her how dope the picture is. Well if it can pass the Tyra brother test, it's good enough for Vogue!
Hannah is , and Paulina and Tyra mock her for her headband, saying it's a little too Gossip Girl. And that's Hannah's favorite show and Tyra's too and plug and plug and hot teen sex hot hot scandalous! The judges are not so sure that her depiction of nuclear weapons has anything to do with nuclear weapons. Hannah shares her internal conflict about nuclear weapon usage. Tyra says that if you don't know how you feel about something, you should just pick a viewpoint at random and go with it. Hannah gives a blank-eyed nod of acceptance.
| Season 11 | Episode 1 B | Aired on 09.03.2008
Sheena is , portraying energy. Everyone on the panel really likes it, and Sheena shares her worry that it was going to be too hooch. Tyra gives the actually valuable tip that you should model the opposite of what you have on. So, for example, when you have on a sexpot dress, you need to model as if you're dressed like a lumberjack. You know, like the introduction to the opposite sketch! It takes the obvious away.
McKey is , with her portrayal of the environment. Paulina thinks she looks amazing, and loves the boxer stance. Tyra says that McKey's film was a mess until she got to these shots, and then it was flawless. However, she can't always box in a shot. So she has to box in her head. Not as value as model the opposite of what you have on, but I guess I'll add it to my file folder of tips to be used should I ever be discovered, or alternately to be used in passport photos.
we have Lauren Brie, who has not yet been educated about how to find the light. Tyra wishes that L.B. would have had more of an ugly pretty face. Frankly, I think she already does. She looks like an oddly attractive alien brain eater from any random Will Smith movie.
Last but not least, there is Isis. And just because Isis was born in the wrong body, don't think that Tyra is going to let her get by with that raggedy-ass weave. The judges all love Isis' privacy shot, and Tyra says that there's a story behind this photo. In fact, it's Isis' story. But the bitch still needs a new weave.
The judges deliberate. The judges praise Marjorie with various French phrases, however Nigel notes that she's a ball of nerves, and nerves can destroy a girl in this industry. Sharaun is an unusual character, says Nigel, and Miss J. helpfully points out that she was created on the Island of Fladunkasauruses. Yeah, that's what I was thinking, too. Elina isn't very sexy in person, but she takes a great picture. Samantha gives off a healthy California look, which means that Tyra wants to chop off all her hair and make her cry. Nikeysha had a good shot, but should shut the heck up. Clark's photo is one of the worst of the bunch, because she sucks as a human being. But she has great legs. Joslyn is a huge surprise to everyone. Analeigh should be able to flex her former ice-skater leg as well as Tyra, who additionally knows more about literature than a Harvard graduate. Brittany's shot is great, even though she has sleepy eyes. Hannah's shot is a mess, but she has potential. Sheena has a rockin' body, and Miss J. likes to do impressions of her. McKey's photo is gorgeous, and she's gorgeous, but Nigel thinks she lucked into a lot of things. Lauren Brie's photo isn't very good, but Nigel thinks there's a lot of potential in that giant forehead. I don't have to tell you how Tyra feels about giant foreheads. Isis - to the faux shock of Nigel and Paulina - was born a male. Nigel thinks that it would be easy to caricature someone like Isis, but she's smart and genuine and has real emotion and feeling. Because she's lived!
| Season 11 | Episode 1 B | Aired on 09.03.2008
And then Tyra tells us that we can go to CWTV.com to register to vote. Do it, chuckers! Fiercely.
The girls line up before Tyra. There is an extra special something happening this year. The first girl to be called each week will have her photo displayed as digital art in the house for the remainder of that week. Oh, that's not exciting at all. Try giving these bitches a trip to Aruba! In any case, the first name that Tyra's going to call this week is...Marjorie! Oh, yay for her. called is Isis! Yay for her, too! And then McKey! Oh, happy day. Joslyn is called , followed by Elina, Samantha, Brittany, Sheena, Analeigh, Clark, Lauren Brie, and Hannah.
This leaves Sharaun and Nikeysha in the bottom two. Sharaun did not inspire the judges during her Magic Castle interview. Nikeysha doesn't know how to take critique. So who stays? Nikeysha! The best part is that Sharaun falls to the floor, weeping. Maybe she should try to get her lip waxed while she's down there. Sorry, but she is so stank that I can't muster the sympathy. That said, Nikeysha looks like Skeletor. Tyra tells Sharaun that it's not just about wanting it, but being real. Sharaun tries to convince us that the judges misjudged her confidence. Sharaun wants to be somebody, and not just a somebody model. She says that her journey doesn't stop here. Yeah, some day she, too, might get in a fistfight with Tracy Turnblad at the airport. Good things lie ahead!
week: Elina begins her campaign to turn Clark into a degenerate, and Hannah may or may not be a racist.
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