| Season 11 | Episode 7
Aaaaaand we have finally reached the point in the season where all the freaks come out to play! But first, tensions are running high in the house., and this time it has nothing to do with stealing food or a lack of respeito. Rather, we once again learn that European immigrants are at a distinct disadvantage in U.S. culture, at least according to Marjorie and a suddenly European-er Elina. The rest of the girls, minus Marjorie’s girlfriend Analeigh, aren’t having it, and when Sheena confronts the two, they get into a bit of a spat. But it’s nothing a little twirling won’t solve! Yes, we see the return of the Swirl Twins, who teach the girls how to work with accessories. This is all a prelude to the return of James St. James, who we first see in a neon green spandex bodysuit, which is exactly how he appears to me in all of my nightmares. He introduces the girls to their challenge. They’ll have to wear a similar neon green bodysuit, which turns invisible through the magic of TV. The idea is that we’ll get to see the clothes in motion, but not the actual model who is doing all the twirling and swirling. The designer for this challenge may actually be wearing a prosthetic forehead. I tell you, it’s kind of a surreal episode. In any case, despite an early near-panic attack at having green spandex on her face, Elina knows how to work a bell sleeve and wins the challenge. Most of the others don’t fare so well -- particularly Majorie, whose dress falls down without her knowing. Her reaction to the situation is very European. But no matter, Elina picks her and Analeigh to share in her Seventeen photo shoot prize.
In lieu of a photo shoot this week, the girls have to film a commercial for some sort of Cover Girl eye shadow. They are introduced to Cycle 10 winner Whitney, who doesn’t do much other than live up to her reputation as the 21st century Blair Warner. Joslyn is sick in a very vomity way for the shoot, but manages to pull it together and get through it. Elina can’t seem to lose her control issues, McKey is dull, and Marjorie fidgets like a chicken throughout. Sam does a decent job, but it’s Sheena and Analeigh particularly who get the most kudos for the week. At panel, Tyra announces to the girls that they will be heading to Amsterdam, and then things get all crazy and Fellini-esque, because Amsterdam is about blonde braids and windmills and drugs. Everyone is excited until Tyra gleefully reminds them that one of them won’t actually get to go on the trip. Control freak Elina and the getting-worse-by-the-minute Joslyn wind up in the bottom two, and Tyra totally fakes them both out before announcing that it’s Joslyn who will go home. Let’s hope she at least got a lifetime supply of turquoise eye shadow.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see what vlogger Sean Crespo thinks about ANTM when he has No Prior Knowledge!
Previously on ANTM: Tyra taught the girls how to work their signature poses, and Marjorie made everyone sing "Baby Got (Hunch)Back." Lauren Brie failed in the week's award-show-themed photo shoot and was sent home. Seven bitches remain!
As the girls head home from judging in their limo, Sheena laments the fact that the judges don't think she's modelesque. Someone yells at her to prove them wrong. Sheena interviews that being in the bottom two is nerve-wracking, and this week she has to bring it. Every time Sheena says anything I am reminded of Maria, the little girl whom I mentor, who upon decking out some sort of Barbie-typed paper doll, yelled out, "My girl looks bangin', okay?" She could for sure grow up to be a sassy wannabe model. Elina, meanwhile, talks to Marjorie and complains that Tyra told her that she still wasn't letting go, even when she cried one tear and her heart grew ten sizes that day. Marjorie sympathizes, saying that such a thing is really hard to hear when your Teflon soul moved three centimeters to the left. Elina pauses for a moment, then says, "God, it's even getting to me right now!" and sheds ANOTHER TEAR! Miraculous. Elina interviews that it's frustrating when the judges say she's not open. And then, the kicker. She adds that the reason why she might be a little more reserved is because she's from Europe, and Europeans have a different way of approaching certain situations. Would someone from Europe like to speak up and tell me why you all are so dead inside?
Back in the limo, Elina says that unless you're from Europe you won't understand. Marjorie adds that every time she cried she was instantly told to shut up. Uhhhhh....huh I think that these two might blame their manners of being less on Europe and more on their weird-ass fucking parents. My parents only told me to shut up when I sang commercials for album compilations verbatim at the dinner table. Joslyn represents all of us when she rolls her eyes as Marjorie and Elina say that it's hard to be understood in the U.S. Okay, what about Roberto Benigni? He seemed awfully expressive! And Marcel Marceau? He expressed all human emotions through creepy-ass clown makeup alone! Marjorie interviews that she definitely understands where Elina's coming from, and that they have a commonality because they're both European. Sam asks the two of them if it is, in fact, true that they came to the U.S. when they were eight and thus have had eleven years to adapt. Elina acts like it's the stupidest question she's ever heard in her life and then spits out, "Do you understand how hurtful that is? As if I haven't dealt with this my whole life? Living here?" She looks like a dragon lady right now. A dead-inside, European dragon lady wearing a beret atop her stank red weave. Oh, and then she cries another tear. WE GET IT.
| Season 11 | Episode 7
Sheena asks the two of them if they're happy in America, as they seem quite frustrated. This is apparently not an appropriate question, either, and both Marjorie and Elina get very mad. Marjorie assures Sheena that they're not leaving, but it's a fact that they had to adapt. Sam thinks it's a hot load that they're going to blame all of their problems on being immigrants. If you're, like, being held at Guantanamo then you can blame all of your problems on being an immigrant. If you're on a reality show to become a fashion model, then maybe just chill for a minute. Don't you guys feel like Tyra is totally trying to get us to hate Europe? Why can't we just hate Marjorie and (especially) Elina on their own merits? Sheena says that you're only an immigrant in your mind, and you're only the way you feel. Marjorie interviews that the others don't care to understand her and Elina, and want them to say that they're different and wrong. No, I think they just want you to stop whining all the time.
Oh God, but it's still not over. Elina and Marjorie debrief Analeigh on the whole limo situation, and Elina says that when Sheena asked if they were happy in America, she might as well have just told them to go back to their countries. Marjorie agrees that they're being attacked. And you know, when they're talking to the women of color in the house, these bitches need to just step off. In the kitchen, McKey says it's annoying that every single time Marjorie or Elina are different about something they blame it on their European-ness and tell the others that they wouldn't understand. Like how they spell "color" with a "u" and shit. Sam wants to karate chop them. Sheena adds that in the competition this is going to be their default, so the others might as well let them be. However, Sheena secretly does not want to let them be. She interviews that Elina and Marjorie are making themselves out to be victims. She adds that her mother is foreign and speaks with an accent. Sheena embraces her culture, but at the same time can still feel American. At the kitchen table Sheena tells the others that it's all about where you're going, not where you're from. Joslyn, meanwhile, has other concerns. She interviews that she doesn't have time to worry about immigration and tears. Her main focus is to step back up the Top Model ladder, and it's getting harder and harder. She's starting to feel like she's breaking down. And, not being from Europe, she has nothing to blame that upon.
| Season 11 | Episode 7
Tyra Mail! "Work it, sell it, own it. Love, Tyra." Before the girls can even speculate upon what awaits them, they enter a big pink building and are greeted by a familiar face. It is a bald man who says, "One of us is ordinary." Then another emerges from a curtain and says, "Two of us are extraordinary." Yes, friends, it's Ron and Richard Harris, the Aswirl Twins. Sam loves them and their big matching broaches. The Aswirl Twins are there to teach the girls how to work with accessories - gloves, scarves, hats and the like. Aswirl Twin One ties a blue scarf around his waist. That's a long scarf. Aswirl Twin Two says that a simple handbag is an item that can come alive through modeling. But hopefully not alive in the way that it eats your hand when you reach in to grab for lip gloss.
The girls take a turn at modeling with accessories. McKey does not know the proper way to rotate a stupid looking hat. Sheena thinks she can damn sure work a scarf, and we get no argument from the Aswirl Twins. Joslyn shows the versatility of her bag by turning it from a bag with a handle to a bag where the handle is hidden. Amazing! Marjorie wraps a skirt around herself in something of a clueless manner. Aswirl Twin Two shows her how to wrap the skirt in such a way that it's easy to get out of the skirt. This is a trick that's come in handy for him many a time. Europeans wrap their skirts in a completely different way, so Marjorie can't be blamed. Cultural tyranny!
The girls make their way to an area with a stage for their challenge. As music plays, a creature from my nightmares emerges. It is a person in a lime green bodysuit that covers even the face, wearing a purple dress, pearl necklace, and kicky hat. There is a TV screen immediately to the person's left, in which all human parts of the person disappear, making it look like the clothes are walking around by themselves, like in Bedknobs and Broomsticks. But it is not substitutiary locomotion that's making the clothes dance - it's James St. James, self-proclaimed freakshow author and fashion provocateur. I wonder what the starting salary for a freakshow author and fashion provocateur is. Sheena explains to us that James St. James is out of the box. It was a sad day when someone removed that lid. James explains that the girls will be performing in an avant-garde fashion preview of Petro Zillia's invisible model collection. James introduces Nony Tochterman, the fashion designer for Petro Zillia. If you think this is confusing to read, you should get a look at this lady. It's like Woody Allen got caught in an explosion at the cotton candy factory. I can't be sure, but she may have a prosthetic forehead. Nony says that she spends a lot of time designing her pieces, and she wants them to look a certain way when they're showcased. Mostly, she doesn't want models to eff them up, which is why the girls will be invisible! Except for their bright green bodysuits, you'll hardly be able to see them at all. Nony will be in the audience watching to see who makes her clothing the star of the night.
| Season 11 | Episode 7
The girls put on their green bodysuits. If I put that thing on all you would see walking across the TV screen would be armpits. Petro Zillia designs are put atop the green spandex. Joslyn likes her flowy purple dress, and thinks that the belt could be taken off to show that she learned something during her teach. Marjorie gets a colorful, tight tube dress. She says that it's a sexy dress, but she's a person who never feels sexy. Because, contrary to popular belief, Europeans never feel sexy. And speaking of not feeling sexy, Ann Shoket, editor-in-chief of Seventeen is there to help judge the challenge. She tells the girls that the winner of the challenge will be in a beautiful holiday fashion and accessories story in the December/January issue of Seventeen. The nightclub seems to be about half-full as the girls prepare to go on. James tells them not to fall off the stage. Ignore that terrible advice! Do a Liza for us! Elina, meanwhile, starts freaking out and is unable to breathe with the green bodysuit covering her face. What? Europeans have smaller nostrils than the rest of us! Sheena interviews that, panic attack or asphyxiation or whatever, Elina's going to have to work it somehow. As Elina says she doesn't think she can do it, we head to commercials.
When we return, Elina hears the music and starts dancing with James and starts to feel very good and very fun and forgets all about her panic attack. Aw, man, I was hoping for a spandex-covered freak out. James pushes Elina on stage, where she prances and makes use of her dress's big sleeve. McKey has a full skirt and wants to show how it moves. However, she pulled the dress as wide as it could go, and Ann says that's not what the dress is supposed to look like. Nony does not look amused by Ann. Marjorie tells us that the green bodysuit is very hot, and you can't see. In some ways this is helpful for Marjorie, because she can't see the audience. In other ways it is not helpful, as the top of her dress has settled around her waist and she has no idea. Nony just shakes her head. When Marjorie goes backstage and learns that her green bodysuited chesticles were on display, she feels embarrassed and humiliated. Now that is an emotion that transcends cultural differences. Analeigh works a pearl necklace, which Ann likes, and Samantha swirls and twirls and takes her jacket on and off like a fool. Nony is disgusted. Joslyn takes off her belt and shimmies it behind her shoulders. Ann grimaces. Sheena shakes and shakes in her ruffly dress, and I think Nony wants to stab a fork into her prosthetic forehead. If she did, I wonder what would come out.
| Season 11 | Episode 7
Ann and Nony give the girls their critiques. Nony tells Joslyn that never in fashion do you want to represent a strip show. She encourages her to strive for elegance. Sheena had too much movement. Marjorie was practically half-naked, and needs to rely on senses other than vision to know when clothes are falling down. Elina had elegant movement, and showed her big sleeve off to good effect. And she's the winner. Europe: 1. America: 765. Fighting oppression one green body suit at a time. Sam is pissed that Elina won, but not for the normal reasons. Turns out that Elina hates holidays and is an atheist, so her appearance in a holiday editorial seems a bit ironic. Well, maybe it does to those of us born on U.S. soil, but not to Europeans, who eat irony like so many Croque-monsieurs. We travel with Elina and her two buddies, Analeigh and Marjorie, as they shoot their holiday spread. There is nothing holiday-ish about it, so I think the atheists of the world will probably approve.
Tyra Mail! "A well-read model is always prompt. Love, Tyra." The girls deduce that they will be shooting a commercial. Meanwhile, Joslyn is feeling a bit under the weather, both physically and, it must be said, mentally. She looks like she's about to crack. In the kitchen, someone is eating teriyaki sauce, and Sam takes the opportunity to do her famous "oriental" impersonation. Analeigh tells her that this could possibly be offensive. Sam doesn't understand what could possibly be offensive, and Analeigh tells her that she has to be careful with some of her accents. Oh, she has a whole repertoire, does she? That actually sounds like it might be pretty horrible. Sheena pipes in by saying that she's Asian and she's not even offended. Marjorie shoots a look over to Elina, and Sheena decides it's time to have it out. She tells Marjorie and Elina that since the conversation on the bus, they've been acting a certain way and things have changed. Elina's all, "Since you insulted us?" She was about to say "me," because she really could give a rat about Marjorie.
Sheena soliloquizes, "Bottom line is, we all come from some sort of background, whether we have been repressed, whether we have been racially criticized. Stop putting it on being European. Grow out of it. Come out the shell." Elina says that her performance has been criticized because of her way. What she doesn't understand is it's not the European way that's being criticized, but rather her generally douchey way. Sheena says that she's not going to criticize, she's going to ask questions, such as whether Elina felt conflicted about doing a Christmas spread in Seventeen. Elina does not, and I'm with her on that. It would be pretty stupid of her to deny a modeling gig just because she's a godless heathen. She should have some accomplishments to mull over as she spends eternity in hell. Sheena basically calls Elina a hypocrite, and Elina says this is the silliest thing she's ever heard in her life. Sheena thinks that Elina thinks it's silly because she doesn't know what to say in the face of such an accurate point. In fact, it's just silly. Marjorie and Elina sit in the confessional together, and Marjorie says that the others are bitter about not winning and are trying to accuse Elina of being a beneficiary of something she does not deserve. I don't know what that means, but it sounds vaguely European in nature. Sheena and Elina do the, "Are you finished? Are YOU finished?" game and we head to commercials.
| Season 11 | Episode 7
Oh, hey, it's Whitney. Oooh, and a cute dog! I would watch that dog's My Life As A Cover Girl every week and squeal with delight. As it is, Whitney's voice makes me want to continue my slow process of deafening myself a little more each day with consistent Q-Tip use.
When we return, Elina says that she doesn't think an understanding can be reached with the other girls. But she doesn't care, because she's in it to win it. Sheena tells us that there's a huge divide in the house, and it's almost like good versus evil. Like the Revolutionary War! I totally want to go dump a teabag in the river or something. Joslyn, meanwhile, is not feeling so hot. She's coughing and generally looking kind of aggrieved. Being sick, she says, she'll have to work that much harder.
The girls head off to a beautiful house in Bel Air, where they see Mr. Jay and a mysterious lady in a chair. Said lady turns around, and it's Whitney. Oh, great. She starts blathering on about some sort of hideous eye shadow and some sort of clumpy mascara, and how when you put it all together it makes for statement-making eyes. Jay and Whitney note that when it's time to film commercials, top models tend to forget their lines. We get flashbacks to winners past biffing their scripts. Jay tells the girls that they'll be getting a teleprompter today, but if they haven't studied their script they're going to sound like jerks anyway, so it's not that much of an advantage. Frank Ockenfels will be the director for the shoot. The girls get their hair and garish makeup done, and practice their lines. We get a close-up of McKey's script, which was clearly printed out on someone's crappy inkjet. Sheena chats up Whitney by saying that she was in the bottom two last week. She's ready to show that she deserves to live another week.
Sam is up first to shoot her commercial. Jay says that in the real world a person would get a couple of takes, but for the purposes of the competition each girl will get five. Frank blocks the commercial with Sam, who seems to vaguely understand what he's telling her. The commercial is standard easy, breezy fair. You know, "life's a blast," "get an eyeful of this," "big, beautiful look at me color," etc. Jay tells us that Sam brought her natural energy to the set, and he loved it. Joslyn, meanwhile, feels terrible. She can't concentrate on reading her lines backstage because she's so nauseous. Methinks she's gonna blow!
Elina is up . Frank tells her to make it conversational, make it open, make it her. Well, if he wants Elina to be true to herself it will be dead-eyed and sullen. And it kind of is. I think that Elina is so surly all the time because she looks kind of weird when she smiles. This is also true of Europeans because of lack of adequate dental care. Jay kind of rolls his eyes at Elina, and then tells her that she's still too controlled. She's tired of hearing it, and he's tired of saying it. He say that she needs to communicate the lines, not just read them. She tries to convince us that Cover Girl puts the "pow" in "powder." If Cover Girl has taken care of the "pow," that leaves Elina to bring the "der." She gets a couple of takes and tells us that ultimately she thinks she had fun. Inasmuch as someone from Europe can ever have fun.
| Season 11 | Episode 7
We then have McKey. Why is she so creepy all the time? Her face looks great, but she just always seems so odd. She has some blocking problems at first, then jumbles her lines. Jay says that McKey is clueless, and clueless does not make a Cover Girl. we have Analeigh, who starts her commercial by applying some eye shadow. I almost believe her when she says life's a blast! Hey, I want to have purple eyeshadow too! Jay tells Analeigh that he really feels like she's talking to him and is engaged. He probably is the target audience for this particular product. Jay tells us that Analeigh was great, and that when she speaks she becomes way more beautiful. Meanwhile, Joslyn does some quality hurling backstage. I wish showing puking on TV was illegal. Sheena wonders if Joslyn will be okay and able to do the shoot.
up is Marjorie. Jay notes to the Cover Girl rep that she always lets her nerves get in the way. This shoot is no exception. Marjorie looks like she's about to cry the whole time she's filming her first take. And then she does cry when Jay talks to her. Jay is nicer than Marjorie's parents, and does not tell her to shut up. He should, though. He does, to his credit, say that they coddle her to calm her down, but the judges are only going to get pickier and pickier as the competition nears its end. They can only hold her up for so long. Marjorie does her subsequent takes, which are much better.
Sheena is . She knows she's got it. She was feeling what she was saying, she tells us, and she really believed in the product to boot! She is really engaging if still mildly hooch. Frank tells us that every motion had a fluid point to it, and there were no moments where she was stopping or looking at her feet or falling down the stairs. Finally, there's Joslyn. Jay tells her that they're going to do it as quickly as possible, and that if she feels sick she should tell him and take a break. It won't count against her, unless she hurls on the Cover Girl rep. Joslyn assures us that even though she was very sick, she had no intention of giving up. Her first take is super stagey and overexpressive. Jay asks if they served ham and cheese between takes. I hope not, because ham and cheese hurl is the worst kind, after oatmeal hurl. She does another take, and Jay mouths that she way overdid it. Jay says that Joslyn's sickness read in her eyes. Her first couple of takes were a bit much, and the last take was flat. It's sad times for Joslyn. No amount of turquoise eye shadow can help her now.
| Season 11 | Episode 7
Back at home there is Tyra Mail. Someone is getting the boot. Sheena tells us that she wants Marjorie or Elina to go, because those two are the most spiteful and hateful towards her. Marjorie freaks out that she'll be on the chopping block. She says that no one else broke down during the commercial, and no one else sashayed around during the challenge with their dress half falling off. She's scared and says she doesn't want to go home as we head to commercials.
When we return, it's panel time. Tyra welcomes the girls. There are prizes, there are judges, there are questionable wardrobe choices. Frank Ockenfels is the guest judge. Tyra beings the panel process by reminding the girls of Cycle 6, when the girls had to walk in impossibly high heels and maybe broke their ankles but who cares because they signed their lives away when they came on the show! Tyra went out and found some hideous orange and yellow clogs for the girls to work. Each model has to walk in them, to kind of hilarious effect. Marjorie has never looked so elfin. Sheena actually does a pretty good job, as does Joslyn, even though she adds a wink at the end of her walk. Sam sucks, and maybe falls on her ass. Once they're done, Tyra tells the girls that it's important to know how to walk in all kinds of shoes, and especially wooden clogs. Why is this? Because they're going overseas to Amsterdam! And then the Aswirl Twins come out dressed as windmills, and Paulina and Miss J. are wearing blonde braids, and there's a yellow flashing "Amersterdam" caption at the bottom of the screen along with some little bobbing Dutch people, and it's all kind of freaky like that point in Xanadu where they turn into trippy drug-fueled cartoons. And then Tyra takes great glee in cutting this happy moment short by noting that not everyone's going to Holland. So cruel!
Once the Amsterdam hijinx are over, it's time for evaluations. Sam is up first. I find her commercial reading to be a bit aggressive. Tyra tells Sam that she had a teleprompter and still wasn't able to make the commercial her own. Frank says that Sam didn't enunciate her words, and then everyone does an impression of her. Fun times! Marjorie is . Her rapid-fire dialogue leads Miss J. to compare her to a clucking chicken, which cracks Sheena up. Analeigh is . Tyra tells her that her commercial is the best she's ever seen in the history of America's Top Model. That is high praise, even if 95% of the contestants are actually functionally retarded. Frank gives her props for being the only one to use the product. It is indeed a good commercial, and Analeigh is pleased.
| Season 11 | Episode 7
we have Joslyn. She sucks, and does that Sarah Palin wink again. Nigel tells her there's a time to wink and a time not to wink. In case you were wondering, this commercial falls into the latter category. Tyra gives Joslyn credit for not letting her sickness show in her commercial, but says that her laugh was awfully fake. Paulina had more of a problem with her wild gesticulating. Then there's Elina. She's dull and soulless. Nigel notes that Elina looks down when she's walking down stairs, which is a bad thing. Frank says that Elina's whole performance was a closed fist, which is of course consistent with what the judges have been saying all along. Then we have Sheena. Miss J. thought that Sheena was about to bust into the snake. Paulina says that Sheena's manner really works for TV, and Sheena seems happy. Finally there's McKey. Paulina says that the beginning of the commercial was disastrous, except for the fact that she looked gorgeous. Tyra agrees that it was not good.
Oh, and then it's Top Models in Action! Jaslene won Cycle 8 and now lives in New York City and is signed with Elite. She's had some runway shows and some campaigns and still probably talks with the deaf voice.
The judges deliberate. Nigel quite liked Samantha's video, as did Frank. Paulina says that she's likeable, and a top model should be likeable. Marjorie is chicken-like, according to J. Tyra says that Marjorie used her awkward chicken-ish ways to her advantage for about two seconds in the commercial. Analeigh was perfect and blew everyone away. Joslyn has fallen, and can't get up. The whole panel wonders what's up with the wink, too. Miss J. thinks that she harkens back to the days when there were print girls and runway girls. Print girls were gorgeous and personality-free, while runway girls had personality but maybe not flawless looks. Joslyn falls into the latter category. Elina was tight per usual. Nigel says that she's beautiful, but it doesn't translate into a commercial in part because of her lack of natural charm. Sheena has looks that can kill, which Paulina thinks is good. She's expressive and is aware of her body. Miss J. calls this the "Sheena Inky Slink." McKey's face is the best for makeup, says Nigel, but she was a disaster in motion. Paulina points out that they have a difficult decision ahead, because some girls are fantastic commercial models, and some are wonderful photo models, but there's no one who's great at both. Except for Tyra.
The girls return. There are seven girls standing before Tyra, and six screen grabs in Tyra's hands. The first name that Tyra is going to call is...Analeigh, of course! is Sheena, who is thrilled. Tyra calls Samantha, Marjorie, and McKey. Will someone explain to me what the heck is up with McKey's wardrobe? It's worse than Tyra's. Anyway, this of course leaves Elina and Joslyn in the bottom two. Joslyn looks worried, while Elina is stone faced. Joslyn took fantastic photos in the competition but then faltered, while Elina took strong pictures but isn't translating well into moving pictures. One thing about both girls, says Tyra, is that they have such a strength. Elina's strength is in desperate need of control, while Joslyn has survivor-type strength. And Joslyn is going to be able to survive her ouster, says Tyra, as she hands Elina a photo with encouragement to let go. Maybe once she's back in her homeland she'll be able to do so. Tyra is proud of Joslyn for pushing through while she was sick, but she says that the judges won't give her pity points. And then she says other stuff, but I don't know what it is because my DVR cut off! The CW needs to chill with those endless Stylista promos. Sorry, guys!
| Season 11 | Episode 7
week: Tyra and co. will have an excuse for seeming like they're high off their asses.
Potes is sometimes easy but never breezy. You can reach her at potesypotes@gmail.com.
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