The pre-credits recap of last night's show reminds us of how this year's insatiable sausage-press has inevitably led to the all-female top five, and then here come the judges and Ryan. The latter tells us about the alumni who will be performing later tonight (more on them later), and introduces the top five to put last night's diva theme in the ground with a Donna Summer medley. And man, the half-dozen gay men who get to be their backup singer/dancers are way into it.
This week's Fiesta Mission is a scavenger hunt that's like the shortest, dullest episode of The Amazing Race ever, as the top five use the navigation systems in their Fiestas' dashboards to follow clues around town to an alleged celebrity. Who turns out to be Matthew Morrison from Glee. "You guys are on TV, too!" he observes. What a prize.
Back in the studio, Ryan says the results will go individually tonight. Yes, even though Jimmy provided commentary from backstage last night, the Jimmy-reels are still here. He says Angie is technically great, but while he totally believed her performance of "I'll Stand By You" at the piano, that wasn't so much the case with her freestanding rendition of "Halo." Coming back from the clip, Nicki flatly states, "Jimmy has no idea what he's talking about," insisting that the Beyoncé song was a ten out of ten. Angie gets sent back to the couch, none the wiser as to whether she's safe or not. And with no Tweet from Beyoncé either, so I guess the jury's still out.
Jimmy reiterates his concern about Candice's "Straight Up" from last night, but says that her performance of "When You Believe" proved how smart she is. Ryan asks Randy if he had a chance to talk to Paula Abdul about Candice's cover of her song last night. Randy starts bitching about how he was totally unable to reach Paula via any of his available channels, which I totally believe and which is hilarious... until Paula herself enters from upstage. Nice of you to show up, but I prefer the version of reality in which Randy totally gets dissed. I think I'll just fanwank that she actually did ignore all his calls and arranged this directly with the producers. Anyway, she sneaks right up on Candice, which given what we learned last night about Candice's history of roughhousing, doesn't seem like the smartest idea. The audience loses its shit over Paula's return, and then Paula loses her shit over Candace's performance last night. They make Paula sit at the judges' table between Nicki and Mariah, just for the visual. It would be nice if she could move a little faster, though.
By M. Giant
After the ads, Ryan points out Fallout Boy in the audience so they can plug their new album, and there's also Jordin Sparks and Jason DiRulo one row down. "When's the wedding?" he asks them. Having efficiently embarrassed everyone, he cues the intro reel of one of Idol's most famous losers, Clay Aiken, in which his creepily plucked and airbrushed face explains to the camera about his ongoing projects with special ed students and UNICEF and all this other do-gooding stuff in the place where all the Grammy clips usually go. Clay goes back to the well of his finale performance to reprise "Bridge Over Troubled Water," during which his almost total lack of bodily motion throughout the song adds to the impression that he's now a wax mannequin of himself. Still has the voice though. Ryan's reminiscence with him afterward consists mostly of the following: "I miss Ruben right now." Aw, how sweet. I think people say the same thing about Taylor Hicks when watching Smash.
It's Janelle's turn, and Jimmy says she blew it with "Dumb Blonde," picking the right diva but the wrong song. But Ryan bucks her up with a message of support from Dolly Parton that goes up on the big projection screen behind them, saying both of them know they're not dumb and they're not blonde. Too bad Dolly couldn't be there in person like Paula.
Amber is up . Jimmy says that she's brilliant every week and ends up in the bottom anyway, so she took a big risk going after Mariah Carey and Barbra Streisand. Jimmy thinks it'll pay off. As for Kree, Jimmy thinks she made the wrong song choices last night, and at this point in the competition it's going to cost her. He also comments on Mariah's and Nicki's disagreement that was clearly deeply nervous-making for Keith and Randy. And he doesn't blame them. Thanks as always for your insight, Jimmy.
Ryan then sets the wayback machine for the infamous night when the bottom three consisted of Jennifer Hudson, Fantasia and some chick named LaToya London. Since she's the Scolari of that group, we spend a little time catching up with her. She's back in the studio, going on tour and trying desperately to keep that whole "three divas" thing alive. She's also in the audience for a super-brief interview with Ryan, who puts his arm around her to introduce Fantasia's new song "Lose to Win." As for Fantasia, she's looking a lot less scary than she did last year's finale, and her song sounds a lot like some '90s Anita Baker, with some James Brown screams thrown in at the last chorus and one of her trademark, shit-losing big finishes. The judges give their third standing ovation of the night (after Paula's entrance and Clay's performance), but they look like they actually mean this one.
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By M. Giant
Daylight's burning by the time we come back from the ads, so Ryan wastes no more time. One by one, finalists are declared safe and sent over to the winner-stools at stage right, starting with Candice, Angie and... Amber! That feels like a first. So is the fact that Janelle and Kree are left alone together at stage right. I guess it's another landmark moment: the season's first all-girl bottom two.
So Kree and Janelle are standing arm in arm to Ryan at center stage after the ads, and it's not really a surprise when Ryan says the one singing for the save tonight will be Janelle. She busts out a sad, slow version of "Keep Me Hanging On," which is something I suspect the judges already won't be doing. Even the real-time Twitter poll of whether they should save her doesn't have results much more favorable than the ones Lazaro got last week. The difference is that the judges appear to actually be discussing it for the first time, in a genuine huddle and everything. She nails the big finish and gets a standing ovation from Mariah, but it's too little too late. Randy tells Ryan the panel is split down the middle, but since it's not unanimous, Janelle's gone. There's her farewell reel and then she smiles her big smile all the way into the somewhat belated closing credits. Still, it has to suck to be the first woman eliminated in... oh, it must be months now. Feels like it, anyway.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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