We're in Oklahoma this week, so apparently Idol has decided to just get it the hell over with as quickly as possible. It's 5:18 AM and the sun isn't even up before people are shown singing, "Oooooo--" one after another, all edited together unmindful of various keys, like that old "Whasuuuuup" commercial. Only this time it's the song about that state where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain, sung by the thousands of people who have trekked to Oklahoma City to audition for the show and chase after their hats because of that jerk that came sweepin' down the plain.
So everyone's there and as the judges show up, Keith rattles off a list of famous Oklahomans, topped by, you guessed it, Carrie Underwood. There's a mini Carrie hagiography and then Ryan welcomes us to the venue: the Devon Boathouse, which is a training facility for Olympic rowers. I would have thought we'd gotten enough of the nautical theme last night, but I guess not. We're starting off tonight with someone found on the Small Town Audition Tour bus trip, a skinny, large-headed ginger dude named Karl Skinner, who auditioned when the bus showed up in his hometown of Joplin, Missouri 17 days earlier. Karl got married in March and seems pretty happy about it and with life in general, so I can't help feeling glad for him. He starts out his audition by making sure it's okay to move around and goes into a version of "I Feel Good" -- complete with James Brown-style dancing -- that wakes them right up. They invite him to sing something else while playing the guitar he brought with him, so he obliges with a folky little eight-bar blues number, written by himself, that has even more shouting. The judges debate about who he is and whether or not he should play the guitar. Randy thinks he could be a "mascot" and they decide he could be a replacement Ryan, whom comes in mock-impatiently demanding a vote already. Karl is through and Ryan keeps his job. For now.
At 10:30 AM, we start a montage of judges clowning around, featuring madcap moments like Keith putting his face against the camera lens and Mariah crowding the others at the judges' table. After a quick montage of sucking set to "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" (also from Oklahoma!, for those of you even less literate in musical theater than I am), which Nicki somehow manages to enjoy anyway, we return to the holding room to meet Nate Tao, who is an ASL teacher. He's got two deaf parents, y'understand. So here's another kid whose parents have never heard him sing, but this time it's not his fault. He sings "For Once in My Life" for the judges and he's perfectly pleasant and good, especially on the high notes. They all like him (although Randy lamely makes fun of Nate's tie a bit) and he earns a four-way yes. So now his parents are probably convinced. Nate's dad teaches Ryan the signs for "Congratulations," "I love you," and "Superstar," which I'm totally sure Ryan will be using on the live shows.
12:30 and the judges come back from break along with us; Randy mock-laughs at a bad joke that Keith makes, as though he has room to talk. we meet a sock puppet dog named Oscar, who is here with his ventriloquist master, Halie Hilburn. Soon we'll find out which of them is actually auditioning and when Keith asks, she says both of them. Except it's mostly Halie singing solo, with Oscar bopping along at her shoulder and throwing in the occasional howl and yodel. He gets his own subtitle while yodeling, though, so I guess this makes him an official contestant. But what if they get split up during the group round? Now that Halie has irritated everyone, she asks if she can put the puppet down and sing something else. Turns out she does a perfectly nice job on some other country song. The judges blame Oscar for holding Halie back and Mariah, Nicki and Keith say yes. Randy says he was going to say no, but he either changes his mind or doesn't, not that it matters either way. And then Ryan confiscates Oscar outside the audition room, to make him star in a sad little clip about Oscar begging for food and finally ending up in a Dumpster. I don't see why Oscar's the one getting punished here.
After a whole bit about how Oklahoma is all wholesome and home-grown and corn fed, we meet someone who's the opposite of that. Yes, this woman named Zoanette Johnson is... black. She does some booty-shaking in the waiting area and explains to Ryan that she made a bet to sing the national anthem if Obama won. Sure enough, she goes into the audition room and inflicts it on the judges. I can't explain how this happens, because she hits all the notes, but somehow it's terrible nonetheless. Keith even falls out of his chair on FREEEEEEEEE. She keeps dancing even after she's done singing and she and Nicki express their mutual obsession with each other before she hits some old-school Mariah high notes totally devoid of context, then gets all emotional and turns to the camera to demand an invite to the White House as though POTUS himself is watching. At this point the judging seems redundant, if not outright extraneous, but they do a one-two-three-yes. "I think," Randy adds. When she leaves the room, they already look apprehensive about the fact that they're going to have to see this madwoman again. As are we all.
At 3:30, there's a montage of people crying, mostly as a result of rejection, although one guy sobbing like he's at a mob funeral is actually going to Hollywood. Anastacia Freeman, however, is crying even before she enters the audition room. Ryan procures her a napkin to wipe her eyes with and lets her pull herself together before sending her on in. The judges start by letting her climb down off her absurdly vertiginous heels and giving her a little encouragement about being the American Idol, and then she sings "Unbreak My Heart" in a way I wish I could unhear. They lie that they aren't laughing at her and let her continue in a style that betrays a completely unique grasp of key, melody, rhythm, music overall and the nature and physics of sound itself. Randy wonders if someone told her to come audition, and Anastacia -- with the help of a "Cheap Dramatization" (it even says that on the screen, as she's played by some production assistant) -- tells the story of being instructed by God to audition for American Idol. Not The Voice or The X Factor, the mention of which on this show is probably a bigger miracle than being spoken to by God. Anyway, the judges do a one-two-three-no and Anastacia leaves angry, complaining in the parking lot about them and how she won't listen to them any more or return to auditions if they're here, and besides she heard Nicki Minaj worships the devil. And then she can't even dramatically rip her audition number off her shirt properly. That wasn't very nice of God to set her up like that.
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Ryan meets a little kid named Kayden Stevenson, who is actually 16. He looks cheerful and happy, but he reveals that he has cystic fibrosis and thus a life expectancy of 35. Now what the hell am I supposed to do with that? Make a crack about how he's the only person who has ever auditioned for American Idol as part of a midlife crisis? I don't envy the judges if he turns out not to be a good singer. We see him at home hooked up to a breathing machine and he says that the upside of having a terminal illness is that he can do everything when he's young. Well, because he has to. Good on him for looking on the bright side, even if it is illuminated with a penlight. He sings "I Wish" and has kind of a high, thin voice like young Michael Jackson but not as good. Still, his is an inspirational story, so they chat him up a bit and tell him yes, unanimously. So there goes several months of his unnaturally short life. Nicely done, judges.
Ryan gets ready to wrap it up, telling us there were 45 people going on to the round. But the footage suddenly stops in Kayden's mid-jump, making us think for one terrifying moment that he's already dead. But no, it's just that there's one more auditioner. A long, blonde-haired figure in female clothes is shown from behind in a way that tells us immediately that it's a man dressed as a woman. Sure enough, that's exactly what it is. A man named Steven Tyler, in fact, who does a whole bit for them in character using a falsetto before tearing off his wig and tearing out his fake boobs. The judges laugh as though this is the most hilarious thing they've ever seen and not a desperate, Stephen Baldwin-style grab at a few more moments of reality-show exposure. Alas, Steven Tyler is not going to Hollywood, not least because he's over the age limit by... oh, a number that has an exponent in it. But they humor him by giving him a fake golden ticket to use as a prop, which he carries out of the audition room before sticking his wig on Ryan's head. Everyone involved in this show must miss him so terribly. week, we're going to Hollywood, so we can start missing the audition rounds. Or at least try to.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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