Whitney vs. Stevie

S11E17

Ryan starts from backstage, trying to pump up the top 13 and the judges before the show. Unfortunately, he's once again wearing a three-piece suit with no tie so he looks like a miniature version of The Mentalist. After the credits, Ryan reports that this is the 400th episode. Is that all? It feels like twice that many. And that's just this season. Ryan brings out the girls from the top 13: Elise Testone, Skylar Laine, Shannon Magrane, Hollie Cavanagh, Jessica Sanchez, and Erika Van Pelt, not that any of them get last names any more. Then out come the guys: Jermaine Jones, Colton Dixon, Joshua Ledet, Heejun Han, Phillip Phillips, DeAndre Brackensick, and Jeremy Rosado. Ryan reminds us that one of these people will be the American Idol, as if still trying to get us used to the idea. Then, there's breaking news! Literally, that's what he says. He tells us that for the first time, it'll be the guys versus the girls, with the guys singing Stevie Wonder and the girls not just singing, but "paying tribute to" Whitney Houston tonight. Tomorrow night they'll tell us who got the fewest votes from each gender, and the judges will decide which of them to keep. In other words: we trust you, America, but not that much. That's okay, America doesn't trust these judges either.

"Who's crying, and why?" asks seven-year-old M. Edium the minute they cut to the studio where Joshua is greeted by Jimmy Iovine and Mary J. Blige. Nobody yet, but it's early. The Stevie Wonder song Joshua's singing is "I Wish." Mary J.'s only concern is that Joshua will hold back, so she clearly doesn't know Joshua very well. When he sings it for the audience, with a whole horn section out onstage with him, he does seem pretty peppy and energetic, at least vocally. It's a bit of a departure from his usual gospel thing, but it works. Although Randy calls it "flavorless" when he means "flawless." Freudian slip? Jennifer loved it, and goes on about his church-singing background coming through in some hand gesture he kept doing, and Steven pretty much just agrees. Except for the "flavorless" part.

Elise's song is "The Greatest Love of All," at least until Jimmy and Mary J. hear her try it and saddle her with "I'm Your Baby Tonight" instead, which she barely knows. Elise interviews that it wasn't ideal, but the mentors tell us that she'll just have to suck it up. Judging from her performance, Elise did just that. And look, there's the horn section again. She does the best she can, but she's not inhabiting the song the way she normally does. Under the circumstances, though, I guess she's lucky she remembered all the words. There are kind of a lot of them. Jennifer says that Elise has a great voice, but this wasn't her best. Steven tells her that she needs to find the right song for her voice, and Randy dings her for trying to fight with the song. I'm pretty sure she just got sandbagged. After that's over with, Ryan asks her how the last-minute song change affected her, and she admits she's only known it for a few days, but bravely says them's the berries. Ryan gives the voting instructions. Wait, did I just say "them's the berries?"

The song Jermaine has chosen is "Knocks Me Off My Feet." Mary J. and Jimmy think it's a good match for his voice, and she helps him avoid fancying it up too much. He steps a bit out of his box for his live performance, reaching a bit beyond the "Old Man River" thing he tends to fall into. Steven says the song fit him like an Armani suit. If Armani made suits that big. Jennifer asks him to connect with the words more, and basically tells him to be more like her when she sings. There's some advice that few musicians have gotten, and those who have probably didn't get it from very many people. Randy liked the verses more than the chorus, and he somehow agrees with Jennifer without saying "be more like Jennifer." Ryan asks Jermaine to respond, and he just says, "I think I did a pretty good job." So does the audience, but it's not like you ever hear the live crowd going, "Eh."

We come back with Ryan and Erika on stools at center stage, although Erika's red dress blends into the Coke billboard being projected behind them. Erika talks about the emotional roller coaster of being saved by the judges at the end of last week's show and then all the stuff that followed, including a glamour photo shoot complete with wind machine. "Jennifer Lopez invented that," Ryan cracks. Her song this week is "I Believe in You and Me," and we hear her rehearsing to Jimmy and Mary J., singing so low she sounds like a dude. They tell us that if she attempts to be Whitney she's hosed, so she'll need to do it her own way. Her performance isn't all showy and cheesy, at least if you don't count the lead guitarist off on stage left getting his guitar-face all over everything. The judges are impressed. Jennifer goes on again about her "goosies," which she seems to get a lot. Maybe she should invest in some sleeves. Steven thinks it was perfect. Ryan banters awkwardly with her and dubs her with a new nickname, EVP. All hail the Executive Vice President!

After Ryan welcomes us back from behind the judges' table (and three uncomfortable-looking judges), Colton tells us he's singing "Lately." Jimmy says this isn't really Colton's thing, so they make him sing one of his own songs, which of course has lots of emo vocal breaks and basically sounds like a crying jag with chord changes. So with that fresh in his mind, they have him try the same schtick out with the Stevie Wonder song, and it seems to work, at least in rehearsal. He seems to pull it off live fairly well, and his hair is particularly resplendent tonight. I know I should hate Colton, but he kind of looks like a friend of mine so he probably benefits from the goodwill I feel towards her. Anyway, Steven tells Colton that a singer is only as good as his last performance and his last note, which in Colton's case was good. Jennifer compliments him on playing into his "vulnerability." Is there any other part of Colton? Randy says he had a few sharp and flat notes during the quiet parts, but somehow, after tamping down the boos turns that into the biggest compliment of all. Ryan joins Colton onstage and adds his own comments about Colton's "smoldering eyes," gives the voting instructions, and throws it to a new clip so Colton can smolder at him off-camera for a bit.

Shannon's song is "I Have Nothing." Jimmy seems to have come around on her since last week, saying he doesn't expect that voice to come out of her. Mary J. advises her to quit rushing to the good parts, and when Shannon complies, the rehearsal suddenly gets a lot better. When she does it live, she starts off well, although there's a bit too much growling. But when she gets to the chorus and the key change in particular, I wonder if she wouldn't have been better off thinking ahead a little more after all. She kind of crashed into that like she didn't see it coming. Jennifer tells her she overthought it, and Steven agrees that she "crashed and burned on the turnaround." They all know she can sing it, but Randy says she didn't quite hit it. Ryan gives her a chance to blame it on the band, but she takes on the responsibility herself and then shakes it off. And how can any girl stay truly unhappy when she's looking down at Ryan like that?

Now it's DeAndre on the stool to Ryan, who talks about singing for the wild card spot last week. They play some post-show footage of him backstage last week, and DeAndre's biggest challenge while talking to Ryan right now is seeing what his crying-face looks like. Anyway, he's singing "Master Blaster," and Mary J. gives him some highly specific coaching that includes telling him not to sing it so pretty. The he comes out on stage and sings it all pretty. Sure, the band's all out there to help with the block-party atmosphere the song evokes, but DeAndre's still a crooner who's just crooning faster. Steven says he's always liked him, including tonight. Jennifer compliments his swagger, and Randy says they didn't want it to stop. Sure, everyone likes a party.

Skylar will be singing "Where Do Broken Hearts Go," and Jimmy and Mary J. tell her to dial it back a little. If there's anything Skylar can't do, I'd think it would be that. And in fact, her live performance is pretty heavily country-tinged, but at least she isn't belting it from the start. No, that comes later, right around the key change, at which point she cranks it to eleven. It's the kind of performance American Idol voters love. Still, Jennifer's remarks are mainly about Skylar's composure. Steven's impressed, and Randy says Skylar proved she can sing any song. As long as nobody minds her turning it into country, of course.

Heejun is , and Ryan wants to talk about his Tweets. But even 140 characters are too literate for this show, so we just get a bunch of Twitpics of Heejun goofing around with the other contestants. He's singing "All in Love is Fair." This episode is really teaching me a lot about how many Stevie Wonder songs I don't know. Mary J. is blindsided by Heejun's voice, cementing my theory that she hasn't been watching this season at all, and Jimmy suggests Heejun try singing it once with just the piano and no band. In return, Heejun escalates his fake feud with Jimmy, presenting Jimmy with a picture of himself frowning and the inscription "I love you." How is that escalating it? Well, Mary J. also gets a picture, but hers shows Heejun smiling and reads, "I love you more than Jimmy." Oh, and he spelled Jimmy's name wrong. Jimmy's a sport about it, though. I'm sorry, I know I'm a cheap date when it comes to Heejun, but these shows go on so long with so little humor.

Heejun's live performance is augmented with some strings and percussion, but he's still singing it softly and not really doing the full-voiced thing he needs to do, at least not until the very end. My goodness, what a boring song. Jennifer just says she loves him and always has, although Heejun pretends to be jealous of Jeremy getting a hug from her last week. Steven points out that Heejun hugged him, then just tells him to keep it up. Randy says, "It wasn't perfect, but it was really good." Well, that's certainly some helpful criticism Heejun can run with. Too bad he wasn't taking notes.

Hollie is singing "All the Man that I Need." She does her Xtina voice thing during rehearsal, and admits, "I wouldn't say that I hit every note in my session." That's okay, Mary J. is there to hit them for her. Is anyone ever going to ask Hollie about her accent and why she's Australian like, two out of every thirteen words? For her performance, she does the whole "little girl-big voice" thing they've labeled her with, complete with a long note at the end to give the band time to go out and get a beer. Randy says she took on some prime Whitney and she nailed it. Jennifer suggests there might be two girls in the final (although she doesn't name the other one), and Steven agrees that she did well. Ryan gives the voting instructions, but not before pointing out how Jennifer almost told Hollie on live television that she's the shit.

Coming back, Ryan and Randy have traded places. "Yo, that was hot, yo," Ryan deadpans while Randy tries to do Ryan's job. Randy's job actually looks easier. This week, Jeremy is singing "Ribbon in the Sky." Jimmy and Mary J. don't look entirely impressed by his rehearsal. Jeremy's got a lot to prove, what with being here by the grace of J. Lo. He sings fine. These Stevie Wonder ballads I don't know are all running together for me at this point, so all I can tell you for sure is maybe he shouldn't have gone with the gray cardigan. Steven compliments his voice, and says the song didn't really show him off, but it doesn't matter. "I know you can do it." Jennifer says she loves his interpretation and it was beautiful. Randy says it wasn't Jeremy's best, and needed more swag to be believable. Is that distracting pin on Randy's jacket considered swag? If so, Jeremy's better off without it.

Jessica's pulling out the big guns, singing "I Will Always Love You." She actually makes Mary J. squee during rehearsal. So this should be mediocre, right?. Jessica starts out on a fog-filled stage, dressed and lit like she's already won. And if you're going to sing this song, you pretty much have to. Lucky for her, she pulls it off. It's actually pretty spectacular. She's setting the bar high for herself early on, though, which could get her into trouble. The judges are amazed, all three of them giving her a standing ovation and Jennifer even whipping the audience up further while Randy tries to talk. Not that they're any less coherent than Randy is. He gushes about how hard that song is and how Jessica's one of the best singers in the competition. Jennifer agrees that it was beautiful, and Steven says, "You may be the one. You just made forty million people cry." Ryan cues the mood lighting and the wind machine for Jessica's voting instructions while I consider Steven's words for a moment. Is he factoring in those of us who are dead inside?

By M. Giant

Oh, cool, a song I know! Phil Phillips is doing "Superstition," which is the song I'd do if I ever found myself in a situation that required me to perform a Stevie Wonder song. Of course, I can't imagine such a situation that wouldn't also involve Vogons, so it's probably moot. Phil even brought his guitar to rehearse for Jimmy and Mary J. They like him so much they pretty much just give him some advice for the ending of his arrangement, which he puts into effect immediately. I really dig his performance, too; they've got him flanked by the bassist and the guitarist from the band, and he turns out to be pretty credible as a frontman type, even if the drummer of his hypothetical band is invisible. Also, I don't think we've ever seen him sing quite so angry, but it works. Steven says, "There are no words for it, you just are." Jennifer says he killed it, and Randy echoes Jimmy's sentiment that the show needs Phil. Big night for MIT.

High-speed flashback recap thingy, and Ryan asks the judges who are the standouts and who's in trouble. Randy doges the second question, but names Joshua and Jessica as the standouts. Ryan specifies the negative when directing the question to Jennifer, who can only think of Shannon. Then she names all the people who did well, which is almost everyone else, which has to make Shannon feel great. Steven is also worried about Shannon, and Elise too, bit his favorites of the night were Jessica and Jessica. Ryan opens the phone lines, and we're off. Jessica's really playing the modestly overwhelmed thing, but if you're not only willing to go out and sing "I Will Always Love You" on national television, but are allowed to, you have to know pretty much how it was going to go.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.