Tonight's episode begins in Checotah, Oklahoma in 2004, wherever (and whenever) that is. Some moon-faced blonde with an over-the-top obnoxious Sarah Palin twang settles down to watch American Idol, goes about her business on the farm, takes a road trip to St. Louis to audition for the show, and slo-mo walks into history and the onscreen title, "Aren't you glad she took the trip?" Should I be? Because judging from that little montage, it seems like she's dead. Oh, wait, no, she's just Carrie Underwood. "She's famous!" my seven-year-old son concludes from the rapid-fire clips that follow. But Ryan then directs our attention to this year's crop of St. Louis-bound wannabes, and then tells us that this is American Idol. I'm not supposed to be surprised by that, am I?
After the credits and some curmudgeonly bitching by a local taxi driver named Walter about all the congestion the show's going to create in his city, we meet the judges as they arrive with typical fanfare. Straight on to our first contestant, John Keyser from Florida, age 22, who looks like a cast member from a remake of Red Dawn. He was raised by a single dad, which after last night seems like rather weak sauce in terms of sob stories. In the audition room, he sings "A Change is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke. Here in St. Louis, they have a monitor set up so his family can watch from outside. I don't know why they didn't have that in other cities. Maybe they didn't find out that The X Factor was doing it until just now. Inside the room, the judges like him so much they don't even want to let him stop singing. He's going to Hollywood, obvs. Top twelve, probably. Wolverines!
We flash back through an historic cavalcade of weirdoes that includes William Hung, and the odd part about this clip package is that it makes it look like Randy was the only judge present at any of these auditions. Then there's a bit inspired by The Artist, if "inspired" isn't too strong a word (it is), when we see a silent-film version of an audition by one David Coleman. He's from St. Louis Park, Minnesota, which is a three-minute drive from where I'm sitting right now. The piano score of discordant chords and the sanitized, subtitled versions of the judges' remarks (and even those of an Uggie-like dog) suggest they were not impressed. Lot of that going around right now.
Outside, we meet a group of new friends who all have something in common: they all think they're the American Idol. We meet a bunch of them in a pseudo-inspirational montage and then fetch up with Rachelle Lamb, 26, from Mountain View, Missouri. With her daughter in her lap, she tells Ryan about her divorce and how her ex held her back. Exes are always doing that on this show, aren't they? Stupid exes. She shepherds the tot into the audition room with her and tells the judges her story and how she's going to sing a song her ex didn't like, because that'll learn him. It's "Find Somebody New" by Faith Hill. Turns out she's a strong, effortless country belter, and that's enough to get her three yeses. The kid at her hip couldn't have hurt, either.
Coming back, we hear more bitching from Walter the cab driver how he wouldn't want to listen to twenty thousand people singing. Don't worry, Walter, the judges don't listen to anywhere near that many. We hear Oliver McCrary from Minneapolis warble in a weak falsetto and get booted, which leads to a string of bizarre nutcases, the last of whom is Steven himself performing an impromptu rap for a charisma-free Elvis impersonator who attempted to sing Garth Brooks. The judges summon all their positive energy for the contestant, who turns out to be Reis Kloeckener, a Bieber-cut former bullying victim who eventually found his way into high school choir. That fixed it, I'm sure. He sings "Lean on Me" and sounds decent enough, although he throws in a lot more notes than are actually in the song. They buy it, though, and Steven goes so far as to tear up, like a grandmother in church. I'm not at all sure why I drew that comparison. Might have had something to do with his vested pantsuit and paisley blouse. Still, after that reaction, it's not like the others aren't going to vote to send him to Hollywood.
Before things proceed, Steven decides to go buck up some of the waiting contestants for some reason. One of the lucky ones who hears his little speech takes it to heart: Ethan Jones, 22. He also appears to be bleeding freely from his forehead from a cut he nervously opened up just before stepping into the room. Sure he did. But kid, if you're going to fake a stigmata, that's the wrong place to put it. His backstory: he dropped out of school to be in a band with his dad, who ended up having to go to rehab. Cue "Fix You," of course. Steven conveys a message of support through Ethan to a fellow recovery-seeker, and then Ethan sings "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain, which I guess Jennifer and Steven haven't been around long enough to be sick of yet. He does well with it, hitting every note, every inflection, every tiny little fillip just as it sounds on the original recording. Which turns out to be a good thing, because they send him to Hollywood, and not just because Steven wants to meet his dad after he gets out of rehab. I just hope Ethan's forehead will be healed when he gets to Hollywood. After the audition, Ethan calls his dad, who has news of his own: he's clean and sober. Did he used to upstage the kid like that at their gigs, too?
After an ad break that's oddly punctuated by thirty seconds of Madonna's new video, we come back to a slew of wannabes on day two. There's a montage of people telling the judges their jobs, which leads into our getting to meet another contestant whose job is right here at the hotel. Ryan talks with Mark Ingram, the hotel auditor, who apparently has to be on top of everything all the time, listening to all the daily tasks he runs down for us. Ryan suggests rounding up some more of the hotel staff to support him in what is apparently a spur-of-the-moment lark. They all follow him into the audition room and assure the judges that they've heard him sing and he's actually good. But when we hear him sing "Overjoyed" by Stevie Wonder, I would have to disagree. He's a bellower, with lots of voice cracks and off notes, and when the judges try to explain it to him, he starts singing again, which doesn't help. And neither does the second song he attempts, "Part Time Lover," which is even worse. He exits with head held high, however, and offers to sing us a song when we're in St. Louis. And just so we can see what that might be like, there are shots of people all over the hotel trying to go about their business as Mark's voice echoes through the building. Oh, Idol, you scamp.
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Almost time to wrap up St. Louis, but first we meet Lauren Gray, 22 who works at her family's bridal and formal shop in Hardy, Arkansas. The gig apparently includes singing with her grizzled dad in a band at the weddings. Really a one-stop shop for all your matrimonial needs there in Arkansas. She sings "One and Only" by Adele, and wow, she sings it a LOT. It's a little much for me, but the judges' jaws drop as one. She cops to having some voice breaks at the top of her range when Jennifer mentions it, but Steven and Randy loved it. Jennifer calls her one of the best female voices they've heard, and with three yeses, she's going on to Hollywood. She's so happy about it she hugs Ryan on her way out. And with one last callback to Saint Carrie Underwood, Ryan concludes that 46 people will be heading to Hollywood. "God bless 'em, I hope they all have great success," Walter the cabdriver says. "Ain't gonna happen..." Can Walter go to Hollywood?
On that note, so much for the auditions. We get to revisit some of the people we've met over the past few weeks, who obviously are totally running together in all of our minds at this point. week: Hollywood. You won't believe this, but based on the previews, it looks like things might get a little fraught.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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