From an empty bridge in Pittsburgh, Ryan welcomes us to the "city of champions." Not to be confused with the breakfast thereof. "It's our first time in here in Pittsburgh. You ready? This is American Idol!" What the hell else would it be? Besides X Factor of course.
After the opening credits, we cut to city scenes in what a backing musical track tells us is supposed to be "black and yellow," but it just makes the city look immersed in urine. It looks like all the hopefuls are packed into a stadium today, but the judges look comfortable as always as they arrive in the day's audition venue. The first guy we meet, Korean-born Heejun Han, has apparently come to be "the bored guy," as he answers all interview questions with a sleepy, "I don't know." He's also nervous about being so many really good people, and being near Ryan with his small, handsome face. In the audition room, he compares the judges to wax figures (Steven's a little melty, obvs) and waggles his hands and jokes around nervously with them a bit before launching into "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You." His tone's surprisingly good, much to the judges' obvious surprise, even if he doesn't lose his accent when he sings. They supportively mimic his nervous hand-wiggle and tell him that they're impressed. All three of them say yes, so Heejun's off to Hollywood. If he can get through the throng of his family outside the audition room, that is. Then he sings to the interview camera, "Hollywoooooooooooooooooooooood! I'm coming. I think they might have edited that "woooooooooooooooooooooood" to make it longer (that's what she said).
Back from the ads, we're reminded once again that we're in Pittsburgh, where nerves inside the holding room are rampant and Steven asks for compliments on his butt from the other judges. Okay, now we're ready for Reed Grimm, a 26-year-old Wisconsinite who's been in his parents' band since age two. He sings a more passionate and committed rendition of the theme from Family Matters than anyone in the world has, ever, including the people who originally recorded it. The judges are so excited about the novelty of him that they totally over-yes the guy. I think we can look forward to a whole season of fairy-tale puns as long as this Reed Grimm is around.
A soul singer named Aaron Marcellus also sings well, as does a 20-year-old country singer named Chase Likens, and a montage of several other people who are also going to Hollywood. Given the success they're having, Ryan wonders why they waited so long to come to Pittsburgh. "But you never know what lies on the horizon." Cue Ryan talking to a couple of blonde girls, one of whom is not a singer but a planker. Yes, her thing is planking. I already covered this on The Office last fall so I'm not going to explain it again. Apparently she's there to plank her sister Samantha Novacek to Hollywood, and the cameras capturing her planking all over the place are only encouraging her. "She sings better when I plank," she claims. Indeed, she goes right into the audition room with Samantha sister and quietly planks down in front of her while Samantha talks to the judges like this is normal. Samantha then sings a Faith Hill song while her sister gets her own subtitle like she's an actual contestant, or worthwhile human being: "Patricia Bell, Suttersville, PA, Planker." Samantha and the judges, to the credit of all of them, seem a lot less distracted by the planking than the cameras are. Jennifer liked the voice, Steven says she had "good notes," and all three of them say yes. But do they both get to go to Hollywood? Well, they each come out with their own golden ticket, and the family celebration takes the form of a mass planking. "Season eleven, everybody," Ryan deadpans.
Let's meet Creighton Fraker, a New York City busker who plays the piano wearing rabbit ears and Elton John sunglasses while his brunette beard blows soap bubbles at him. We catch up to him in the audition room, where he's telling the judges that he wrote a song on the bus ride here. Sure enough, he goes into a novelty song all about, what else, the judges and the American Idol, which concludes with the line, "It's gonna be me." Of his squeaky voice, Jennifer says he sounds like "if Jamiroquai and Justin Timberlake had a baby." And then tried to drown it in a helium balloon, maybe. They give him props for giving it a try, and even more kindly, give him a chance to, as Steven puts it, "Sing something that's got a beginning, a middle, and an end." As long as we only hear the beginning, that's fine with me. He squeaks out a high-pitched soul number that provokes no more powerful reaction in Jennifer other than to wonder who he reminds her of. Randy tells him he has a "weird, wild, crazy voice, but I love it." They're impressed with his cojones, certainly, and for some reason they all out-yes each other in sending him to Hollywood. Didn't the weirdos used to get booted on this show? Or am I thinking of something else?
After the ads, we're dropped naked and squalling into Milford, Ohio, where 15-year-old Bieber-cut Eben Frankowitz is packing up for the trip to Pittsburgh. He's already got his "vote for me" signs made, which seems a bit premature. Eben talks about how supportive his parents are, and they certainly seem to be. Probably almost as much even when the cameras aren't rolling. Eben flogs a well-rehearsed humble act with Ryan before heading into the audition room, where the judges patronize him a bit and make him confess to his Bieber resemblance before letting him sing "Ain't No Sunshine." Which he performs with all the soul and heartbroken grief of a ninth-grader. The judges like him, though, so he's going to Hollywood with unanimous yeses. Hopefully in Hollywood he'll learn that he's not a soul singer but a Mouseketeer.
Ryan segues from the young contestant taking his first shot, to Travis Orlando, who's back after last year. I think he was in line right behind Eben, too. Unlike myself, the judges remember him as he returns to the audition room, and he phones in "Isn't She Lovely." Jennifer admits that he sounds stronger than he did last year, but she and Steven think he's still holding back. Randy asks what's up with them, and he tells them he dropped out of high school, so this is all or nothing. I think I know which one it's going to be. And Travis has more news for us: apparently his mom left the family after last season, they were evicted from their apartment, and he and his brother and sick dad moved into a shelter. Yikes, and ouch. Now I'm sad. We see them on the streets, and Travis says this is to show his mom that he's not a "good-for-nothing lowlife." That's pretty tragic when someone feels like they have to show their own mother that before he's twenty, when it's perfectly normal. Jennifer is glad to see him scared. "Scared makes you do things that you wouldn't normally do." Like use an adjective as a noun? But they vote, giving him three qualified yeses while telling him he has room to improve. He'd just better do it, right? Out in the waiting area with Ryan, we get to see him call his dad on the cell phone to break the good news. Of course they have to have the dad on speaker. Of course they do.
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We come back from the ads to day two, but Jennifer's a little slow making it back. So Randy and Steven do a little two-man performance for the waiting wannabes while Jennifer finally makes it in. Up is Erika Van Pelt, a mobile DJ and wedding singer (but not the Adam Sandler kind of wedding singer, she hastens to add) who thinks this could be the most important day of her career. She's singing "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow," which she does in a deep alto that seems to impress the judges. Three yeses, and she's in. This episode is flying by, and it's only an hour. Are we not going to get any hopeless nutbars at all tonight?
Oh here's one. Steven Tyler, a ninety-year-old rock star from Boston, has shown up with a little red box of wacky electronic sound effects that he's apparently been playing with all day. The message here is that Steven Tyler can get laughs doing things that would seem obnoxious coming from anyone else, including Steven Tyler.
After another flurry of yellow tickets are handed out, we meet Shane Bruce, a young coal miner from West Virginia who's so skinny I don't know how he found room for all those piercings. We visit him at work, which includes a 400-foot elevator ride straight down into the bowels of the planet, where he builds the things that keep the roof of the mine up. And he wants to be a singer? Who will hold the mine up then? He comes from a long line of coal miners, which he's proud of, but he'd rather be a singer. Better do it now, then, while his lungs are still pink. We see him singing "Still of the Night" (not the Whitesnake song) to his colleagues down in the mine, who put up with it manfully. He tells the judges about his coal-mining background, and then informs them that he's going to sing that hallelujah song from Shrek. Okay, anyone who wants to be a singer should know that Leonard Cohen standard as something, anything other than "that song from Shrek." The judges sit through his fumbling of it, Jennifer already looking worried about what she's going to say when he's done. To his credit, he realizes he blew it, but Steven tells him there's value in the stable life he has now, singing down in the mines. He certainly sounded better down there to me. Randy adds that he needs a lot of work, and gives him credit for knowing it. That means a lot, coming from Randy and his decades of being hip-deep in deluded wackos at these things. They give him a unanimous "come back year." Off he goes, shaking his head sadly and into the arms of his mom. On his way out, he's so philosophical about it that you just know he's dying inside. Netflix October Sky and get back to us.
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After a montage of disappointment (although all the losers claim they'll be back), there's one more contestant left: Hallie Day. She earns herself a fanfare from Steven's little red box. She tells them she got married six months ago, which serves as a segue into her whole backstory for the clip package: she dropped out of school, at 15, moved to New York, joined a girl group called Plum Crazy, went broke, left New York, moved back home to Baltimore and virtually absent parents, and downed a bottle of pills. Okay, now I'm depressed. After getting out of the hospital, she met the very large man who would either become her husband or the guy who plays Moose in a live-action version of Archie Comics, but since she tells us he "loves me like I've never been loved before," he ends up being the former. I don't know if she told the judges all that, but they seem to be pulling for her as she launches into "I Will Survive." Well, that's a little on the nose, but it's better than "I Will Try to Kill Myself Again If I Don't Get to Go to Hollywood." Which is not a terribly well-known song anyway. She bellows it at them like they were the ones who thought she would lay down and die. Randy and Jennifer are into it, but when she stops, Steven wants her to sing something else, as though he hasn't decided yet. But when Jennifer and Randy call him on it, he claims it was just to hear her sing more. "You know what's wrong with this girl, Steven?" Randy asks. Steven: "Absolutely nothin'!" She's going to Hollywood. Back out to rejoin her giant husband, while the judges leave happy. They do a little mugging for the cameras, and Ryan tells us that 38 people in Pittsburgh got their Golden Tickets. And again, there they all are. Damn. It looks more like 3,800.
And we'll be back on Sunday, believe it or not. I'm not sure I do.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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