Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT But He Breaks Just Like a Little Consumptive
By Jacob Clifton | Season 10 | Episode 27 | Aired on 04.14.2011
But he is safe, so that's something. One of the three left over is in the Bottom Three, but it is not Lauren, so that means Casey or Haley is B3. Haley's been in the B3 every week, and Casey is magic, so... Haley's not safe and Casey is safe and obviously that's how that was going to go.
SUCH A FUN SUMMER LOOK
Apparently while Elvira was teaching Lauren Alaina's granddaughter how to tease her hair -- "The higher the hair, the closer to ghouls," as they say -- her buddy Rob Reiner was giving the Idols lessons on how to survive in the movie business, on the off chance that they ever have anything to do with the movie business. He also taught them to replace a washer in your toilet tank, in case they ever needed that information too.
Scotty pretends that he has heard of When Harry Met Sally... and James Durbin reminds us that he likes things like Spinal Tap, because he is a huge nerd and into the metal music. Rob Reiner does some kind of bizarre grandpa routine that confuses the children, and then he talks shit about From Justin to Kelly and talks about how one day they might be in a movie or something. Even Rob Reiner never quite figures out why he's there.
Lauren Alaina pretends to be "acting" by "acting" like Kelly Pickler, and as usual it's totally fake and a little creepy. The disingenuous Pickler thing plus the snake-eyed ill-intentions of Lauren add up to a serious creepster moment where she pretends to try to get rid of her accent.
My friend Melissa, in re: the cover of Gwyneth's new cookbook: "I'm just happy she's wearing a favorite boat-necked sailor shirt! Such a fun summer look."
The title of Gwyneth's new cookbook, UK edition: Notes From My Table.
I don't know why that freaks me out, but I do know that it's even harder to hate Gwyneth when you think about how Lauren Alaina, Dakota Fanning and Gwyneth Paltrow are all variations on the same basic theme, which is: How do you "do" authenticity? A question with no answer.
Reiner: "Ask me any question, it doesn't have to be about movies -- there's no reason it should be, really -- but it could be about God, or sex. Anything. I got time to kill."
(Or how about both?)
Casey: "This is dumb, but is it okay that I love Jack Black?"
Jacob: "It is totally okay. He's the only dude even in slight competition with you besides, like, David Petraeus. We are so in sync, Casey!"
Reiner: "You kind of look like Seth Rogan. Not when he lost that weight, but before and after he lost all that weight and gained it back again. Fat people can succeed sometimes."
Casey: "...Thanks, bro."
SPEAKING OF
Kelly Clarkson and some drunk hick take the stage looking gorgeous and homeless, respectively, and sing a song about... I don't know what the song is about because he's wearing his cowboy hat so low that you can't see his eyes. The sign of an insecure, or possibly a drunk or homeless, man. I'm sure he can be trusted -- Kelly is no fool -- but somebody should really tell him about his appearance. There's things you can do, son.
Then Kelly attacks Ryan about misrepresenting her tweets, calls Casey "delicious," and then -- on the way to adorably realizing she is ruining the live show, which is the one thing Ryan can't handle -- makes a nearly off-color joke about Ryan trying to get to the endpoint as quickly as possible "just like a man," which causes Ryan to blush and run around and flip his dress up over his head and spaz generally.
COWBOYS & ALIENS: A STORY OF ARIZONA
Ryan: "Still there's just Haley over there on the stools, but so much things are happening all the time at all times so why not sing a song? Here to sing a medley of songs from The Graduate, Durbin, Stefano and Paul. AKA, the three people most likely to get themselves in an actual The Graduate situation with Paula Abdul if she were still here."
will.i.am: "Girl, no you didn't! Mazel tov! What-what!? Yeah! Ohhhh Shiiiiit!"
Stefano: "Just please keep him away from me."
Ryan: "You're in a safe place."
The thing about Paul, Durbin, Jacob -- oh, Jacob's there in the back -- and Stefano is that they will not be able to harmonize in any way. The Death Eater sounds that come out of Paul are not going to mesh with the banshee wailing of Durbin; Stefano yelling is impressive only so long as stupid Lusk isn't there to yell louder and harder than him. Also, they are a bunch of drama queens.
Durbin: (Thinks Simon & Garfunkel are British, apparently.)
Paul: (Sings like he gargled the entire contents of Rod Stewart's stomach.)
Lusk: (Has never heard of Simon & Garfunkel despite singing their song last night.)
Stefano: (Lost, as usual, in the crunch.)
Ryan: "Lusk, you are a soupy mess of a person. Paul, you make white teeth look like a bad thing. Durbin, you're one weird little nugget. Stefano, you should have taken your shirt off somehow and then you'd maybe be safe."
James: Safe! Awesome. I guess having that famous guitarist -- as one insightful reader called it, "finale-level guest accompaniment" -- and the intensely fake fight with the mentors did the job.
Stefano: Is in the Bottom Three. Was born in the Bottom Three. Will eventually shuffle off this mortal coil via the Bottom Three. Top Three of Bottom Three People.
Lusk & Paul: I hate that one of them is safe. I wish I could say that Paul going to the B3 again made me happy and joyful, but honestly I'm just mixed up because I wish Lusk would leave too, and I know he never will, so I can't even get my hopes up.
Paul, Stefano & Haley: (Just ever so much bitchface.)
ROBERT PATTINSON V. CHRISTOPH WALTZ: DISCUSS.
Chaka Khan and Anita Baker are in the audience, with Ryan begging them to get slapped and getting kissed instead, it's odd, but so like: Why are they not singing? Anita Baker is the best!
Rihanna is pretty great too. She is singing a song about a bed, so of course there's a bed onstage from which she sings. It's all very dramatic and evocative, and in terms of how this show usually stages things pretty impressive. I mean, the song is not good -- it's that same exact Fergie song about how the big girls don't cry, without the nasty infantilizing part -- and she's still rocking the Bozo wig, but there's like ten ballerinas dancing around on the stage and there's sheets hanging down that are also curtains, and it's all really quite beautiful. The kind of thing usually art-directed by your Florence + The Machine type bands. I just wish the song were better.
It's not that she doesn't have a pretty voice, obviously she has a great voice, but: Do you really go to Rihanna for pretty singing? I thought the whole point of Rihanna was the insane music and the bleeps and bops and the noises she makes. Just singing a ballad like this, is that something she's always done? I'm not like fully engaged with her oeuvre.
Ryan: "You're blowing up, as usual. Like there's been a single week in the last like eight years where people weren't constantly talking about you. Like there's been a month where you didn't have an album dropping, in the last two decades. Anything interesting going on with your tour or collaboration with Britney Spears or your five different number-one singles currently topping the charts or your skincare or your luggage or your line of luxury vacation packages?"
Rihanna: (No idea. I always thought she spoke English.)
WAKE UP AMERICA I THINK I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU AND THAT THING IS THAT YOU ARE AWESOME
Ryan: "Is it going to be another girl, just like every week for the last like five weeks?"
Paul: "Two out of three it will be."
Ryan: "Haley, you're still safe. Paul and Stefano, it's down to you."
Oh, damn it.