I was all prepped to title this one "Enjoy Being Left To The Flood" -- having recently learned that once again I have my finger on the pulse of last month and everybody already loved that song -- and then stupid Idol once again screwed me by going to New Orleans for Day Two.
Which it now is, so carry on and keep calm. First up, Blake Patterson, who is so nervous it makes you, me, everybody nervous. Or else he is kidding, in his vest and his little hat and his plinking piano about smiling even when you're in a glee club with Rachel Berry, and then the truly insane standing-shriek followed by possibly passing out... Started out seeming mean, ended up awesome. It's going to be a Brittenum kind of day.
They're getting their bon temps out and ready to laissez them however you want. Steven Tyler is still a disgusting cockmonger and... Maybe he just isn't on this show, anymore. Like how Randy was, back when he was the attention-hogging pointless one. Now that he's the Paula and J. Lo is the Simon, it looks like Steve might be in the corner for the twenty weeks. Does anybody have a problem with that?
Okay, besides Steven Tyler?
Because he makes me feel like that part in Fight Club where they pour the stuff on that thing, if you remember what I'm talking about. Caustic lye, sizzling on your soul.
Short thing of Ryan being super awesome and unguarded, back when he couldn't speak French but rattled off Spanish beautifully-if-rotely, last time we were here. It's these little moments I cherish, where you see the man behind the man, and he's also that man. But slightly smaller.
Ryan heads off to learn French while J. Lo tends to her nasty old grandmother with all the scarves; we meet music instructor Jordan Dorsey (La Place, LA), who is beloved by children and looks like a movie star, but might be insane. Let's see... He's wearing a skull-and-bones platinum necklace around his 21-year-old neck, so probably he's a back-east elitist. Ryan still can't tell how old black ladies are, because nobody knows how to tell that, but it's the kind of mistake that never gets you in trouble because who's coming to complain?
Inside, J. Lo looks like an amazing vision with a side-pony and spaceship top, and everybody's pleased as heck with Jordan's "Somewhere Over The Rainbow," which goes to many wonderful places that I don't normally associate with that obnoxious song. Also what we have learned is that J. Lo is one of the people who says "goose pimples," which I always wondered who says that. You see it in books.
I don't think anybody has ever looked as beautiful as Jennifer Lopez looks right now. It's so distracting!
Ryan just called the swamps of Louisiana "slow and sticky." Not cool, man. They talk about Cajun talk and how it's this elaborate hoax and nobody actually talks about that. Just kidding, they take part in the façade. Once we just admit that the Creole accent is a fabrication, born of a dare back in the 1800s between two warring brothers as we know to be true, the whole world will be a happier place.
Several unfortunates, J. Lo condescending in a loving way, a girl that won't stop scream-singing at them for awhile but eventually falls to them, as we all one day must. Randy welcomes the charming and self-possessed blogger Sarah Sellars (28, Richardson, TX) and her enormous awesome Sara Hickman mouth to the scene, and she lays down some smoky greatness on them. That song about making you feel her love and the various means of transportation and explanations she would employ.
Sarah Sellars is probably the best we've seen so far, in terms of total package, although her looks are a bit quirky. She seems like a Top 24 flameout and frankly I'd prefer to just be friends with her than put her through this stupid show. Class act, goes through, the judges love her as much as I did, which is validating. Or would be, if it weren't for... I mean, J. Lo agrees with me, and that's awesome.
Jovany Barreto (23, Harvey, LA) is nervous about showing J. Lo his body, because he knows that she's only into starving people now, and he's got abs. But she's going to get a look at them anyway, because... You know, of all the reactions to meeting J. Lo I don't think taking off your shirt is all that weird. You think it is and then you rethink. I mean, if somebody's trying to impress me I prefer them to perform Feats of Strength or Agility. Maybe a Hal Ketchum tune. But that's a good one, too: You can't go wrong showing people your abs. Little Kids were right all along.
Jovany sings a song in Español, and his weird jaw does not complicate matters one bit. He is fantastic. I love how this show is about doing good songs now. Then the boy starts crying and talking about how much he loves J. Lo. She pastes on her Gwyneth "thank you so much" giggle-face, and it's really sweet from both directions, and she blushes and all, and I think by the way Randy is acting toward her that she is the queen of this show. Not just the new Simon, but the actual Simon of this show. That makes it awesome, probably. We'll see.
But then the abs come out, with apologies to Mark, and the boys can't be having that, so they pull up their shirts too, and it's so gross. And yeah, Jovany's body is sick as hell. He told us, but I didn't really believe him. Now his face makes more sense. Maybe there will just be no shirts for him this year. That would be cool. That would be all right I guess.
Ryan lists all the State Things of Louisiana, but leaves out my favorite: State Supermonster, Alec Holland. Then this cute girl brings in a bunch of high school pictures of Randy, because he grew up here if you didn't heard that, and it turns out her dad was his football coach, so they bring him in, and the idea of Randy Jackson being a kid and doing kid things and having his bad days and his good days, I don't know. It's pretty sweet and he's pretty cool about all this; very happy to see the coach. Maybe I would hug Randy Jackson if it came down to it. But then he would say something content-free and I would turn right back to my old self.
Luckily the girl (24, Summit, MS) is a lovely singer, with the outrageously name-like name of Jacquelyn Dupree. It sounds like somebody they would refer to on like Friday Night Lights or an episode of Law & Order. You know what I mean? Like nobody could actually have that name, because everybody is kind of already named that name. And I say this as a person with a name that was once a weird burden and now is the burdensome name of 90% of people. And yet here she is, singing the Pretenders. Bloody, Bloody Jacquelyn Dupree.
Jacquelyn Dupree, the former owner of this nightclub you just bought, who it turns out had an arrangement with local law enforcement. Jacquelyn Dupree, who was once a madam in that house on the hill and whose ghost now roams these hills, some say. Jacquelyn Dupree, owner of that competing boutique across the way that gets her collectible toys from an unlicensed wholesaler. Jacquelyn Dupree, former State Congresswoman, blackballed after she wouldn't stop talking about peak oil.
Ginger beanpole Brett Loewenstern (16, Boca Raton) has some gender things happening that will iron themselves out pretty soon I think. Get your gorgeous self to college, kiddo. And the neat thing is, they play him like Nathaniel, sort of sympathetic and It Gets Better-y, which just goes to show you how much editing and music do, because they could have -- and have done -- played him the total other way, but instead we're just supposed to fall gently in love with him, in a "Darren Criss might take me to Prom" kind of way, the way at least three of his friends have done from what the video tells us.
Brett charms the hell out of each judge individually, while Ryan takes tender care of his family outside, and then launches into "Bohemian Rhapsody" with this voice that's like... Giraud-meets-Blake. Smooth and ornamented and way deeper in the range than you might have expected. My goodness, Brett Loewenstern. Aren't you something?
They talk about being comfy in your skin and whatever, but it's like, I know that one reason I dig in so hard with my teen shows is that there's a therapeutic value in reliving certain things and realizing over and over that those cuts and bruises didn't even leave a scar, and that being fixed is even better than never being broken because you learned strong things, but then you see these kids that are 16 and don't give a shit and it's like When does the revolution actually start?
Move over, Avril: Brett Loewenstern is my spirit animal now.
And I know I just said this, but you think back to the "shocker" things like Clay and that, they do it a million times every year, but for this kid they pulled it out and they were like, "You're not allowed to joke about this kid, from the jump. You are going to hope for him, and then he is going to justify that hope times one hundred, because sometimes this show is not evil." I mean, that's amazing. What if the big change this year was not playing to the LCD, like, ever? I'm cryin' over here. Gimme a minute.
Silly old bag. I can't believe this is my job. Moving on.
Meet Gabriel Franks (24, Baton Rouge), who's got a lot of belief in himself, his voice, his personality, his whole deal. He's a bumbler and a foolish young fellow, but he is pretty darling. Twitchy and Jagger-mouthed (Randy makes a blowjob joke involving Aunt Steve that we don't care about) and then Gabe goes ahead and sings "Bad Romance." It's not awful, but it's not great, and he's clearly just for our amusement and his own. That troubling mix of meaning it and not-meaning it, at the same time, that makes these things so icky sometimes.
But ol' Gabe, he is great, and they like him, and I would like to make him do my homework. If we still had homework, that would be our relationship. Call him up and make him take me places I don't necessarily need to go, just so he could practice his Japanese or tell me about ganglia maps or whatever his actual thing is about. It would be golden.
"Tell me again about the plot of Neon Genesis Evangelion, Gabriel. In absurd detail. I am curious about that, in total honesty."
Bad romance takes over: Pterodactyl girl, screaming sneaking girl, scary masks on anybody, J. Lo telling somebody off, a cosplayer dork in an open relationship, Rihanna hair, cute guy with too much personality, J. Lo getting scared, a possessed fellow that Randy finds "not hot," and then a sexy psychotic break dressed like Ryan Starr.
From Twitter it would seem that things are about to get even bumpier at this point. Deaf stuff, Andy Milonakis with the voice of an angel. I don't know that I can take it after Brett Loewenstern; I am still almost entirely thinking about Brett Loewenstern. Maybe this kinder/gentler thing was a bad idea. How weird will it be if, by the end of Auditions, we're like, "But what about all the funny, shitty singers?"
Tall drink of water not getting it right, people singing into mirrors or screeching to the crowd, lady in a sexy Native American costume slapping the booty of a giant fat guy, that kind of thing, and then this pretty kid who went to Idol Camp in 2009. "Proud Mary" from Alex Attardo (18, NOLA) is... Not good. He learned some things about being awesome at Idol Camp, maybe, and is wicked hot which is not a learned skill, but singing is not a thing that he got at camp. Randy makes fun and Alex's jaw drops further and further as Randy explains in detail just how shitty his singing is. Big smile, real sad, good thing the guy's fabtastic anyway.
Jacee Badeaux (15, Lafayette) is chubby and angelic and sweet as hell... And then the voice. I still haven't actually heard a Justin Beiber song, kind of a race I'm running with myself, but from SNL I think he sings like Jacee Badeaux. The kid is wonderful. Wonderful! This damned show! And not just that, but especially think about how Ryan always is with fat kids, and how talented this boy is, and what it's going to be like in a second when Jacee goes back out there with his ticket and his whole family getting between him and the hugging, the constant Ryan hugging.
It's not me doing this, it's not some hangover-hormonal-astrological Perfect Storm: This show is being fucking awesome.
So Paris Tassin (23, NOLA) is the kind of girl that people get plastic surgery to look like, and the kind of person that reminds you a razor-sharp brain is not the most important body part, which for a lot of us is sometimes hard to remember. She got pregnant super young, and she found out the kid was hydrocephalic and they tried to talk her out of having the baby, but she didn't. And let me tell you this little girl is beautiful like her mom. Real cute kid.
So then Marlee Matlin jumps on Twitter, and spreads the net, and begs everybody to let Paris know that she'll be providing the hearing aids from now on.
I hate IGB as much as I love it, because I get to go full-on gaywad gushy without sneaking it in here and there, and nobody can call me out on it. But jeez with this show tonight. It's like they popped the sterile bubble surrounding IGB, and now it's just spraying over the whole show in these weird little pockets of fantastic. I'm so impressed. I would have liked to have Simon here for this, if this is how it's going to go. I think he would love every second.
Paris delivers Carrie's "Temporary Home," a song I don't know and normally wouldn't like because poverty is not something I can handle, and the tears come pouring down everybody's face, like J. Lo pretty much loses it and the boys are clearly going to take a while to recover, I mean, it's a blue moon under which sob story/pretty girl/issues country/follow your heart come together to make something okay, but shit. I'm only human and I didn't think that would be an issue with this show, ever, because it so rarely is.
Watching J. Lo cry is almost as gratifying as Ryan doing it, because when they swim with sharks it's twice as hard to make them cry. And yes, not to be cynical but it's possible Paris may turn out to be slightly disingenuous in weeks to come, the whole street-smart scrapper thing. And it's possible that J. Lo is being slightly coy about feeling this same way, and going out to find Paris and her baby in the hallway, crying some more. I'm not an idiot. That stuff may all be true. It wouldn't shock any of us.
But if it is -- if any of that is even a little true -- I'm willing to wait to find it out. There is no room in here for that right now.