Well, let's see. You got Dweezil, whose false modesty has begun to wear on us. You got Bowersox, who has no need for modesty of any kind. Two different kinds of heartland American that basically split the difference between Bo Bice's negative charisma (the DAUGHTRY effect) and Bo Bice's pothead ickiness (see Castro, Jason). And from the Internet, I hear that rehearsals didn't go so well: Crystal effed up the words of the rainbows and spiderwebs Official Single, while Lee had a bit of a meltdown after getting beaned with a violin bow. I don't really listen to the Internet, but I believe both of those factoids based on what we know about these two.
So the difference is going to come down to, yes, the performances, but also who we want to reward: The boy who pretends he's not good enough to be here, or the girl who knows she's better than this. And when in doubt, go with the particularly American feelings about gender that would rather see Martha Stewart go down than Lee Iacocca; that would choose almost anybody, for any public office, over Hillary Rodham Clinton. Sarah Palin's entire narrative is based on the audacity, the sheer gall. Accusations of female arrogance have been big over the last year, taking up about half of the political discourse and even more of the conversation about entertainment. I don't watch that Jersey Shore show, but I'm told it's mostly about a girl getting what she deserves.
Dweez, we're told, sells paint; Crystal, on the other hand, is a mom. One of them will win. The other will pretty much also win. Lee has improved over time, giving rise to all kinds of mythic content about the journey and makin' it big; Crystal arrived on the scene a fully-formed artiste and slowly let herself be ground down into another cog in the machine. Both are things we like to reward. But we'll see. Americans, they will surprise you every now and then. And there's a large part of me that says we will reward merit over zeitgeist, provided it's sold to us correctly. If this show can do anything correctly, it's selling.
Simon's leaving after tomorrow, which I don't want to talk about. Randy thinks it's appropriate to boo him even as we're mourning him. Ugh. They come down the aisles, those two champions, and Crystal is super excited to be here while Lee has simply perfected that bemused and overwhelmed look of "Are you guys sure?" that has come to dominate his face. Yes, you silly bitch. We're sure.
Round one will be their favorite song from the season, then Simon Fuller's picks, then the big dumb single. Six songs all told. Crystal won the coin-toss and has chosen to go second in each round, as they always do. Anna asks: Is there anyone in the country at this point that is watching this season with anything more than the grim stern look of defensive driving on their face? I'm certainly not. Let's watch Lee grow up and wear a bunch of wool caps throughout his short life and tell us about how it felt the first time he picked up a guitar, shall we?
"The Boxer" is Lee's pick, from Inspirational Alicia Keys Week. The best week of our lives. He's got the Adam Duritz mispronunciations rocking right out the box, which is annoying, but at least the mix is fucked up enough that it sounds really bad. The band is almost entirely overwhelming his entire musicianship, and the cameras -- not a single one knows what they are doing. I love it when this show makes telethon hash of itself like this. That's the best thing about live TV, I think. He looks nice, his hair reaching for the stars he still can't quite believe are so close, and then he closes with a glimmer of tears in his eyes. Remember that one second of your life when Lee DeWyze wasn't crying all over the place? I barely can.
Randy tells him to get some kind of energy happening, which is a no-go. Ellen wishes she had given birth to him, and says it was better this time, because I bet the music was better mixed in the theatre. Kara agrees with Randy's accusations of lifelessness, but loves the commercial whoredom that led Lee to sing a song that sort of barely mimics his synthetic narrative by vaguely being about a person and/or dreams. Simon also believes that Lee is softballing us, and says we got a peck on the cheek rather than the full-tongue French kiss we deserve. That is like the perfect metaphor. To his credit, Lee gets it and doesn't bitch out like he has been doing. Ryan won't touch the radioactive Simon-kissing joke for anything tonight, and we move along.
Crystal's crazy dad, when he talks, he sounds like a character from Labyrinth. I don't get what he's saying, ever. But apparently from the slideshow it would seem that music was important for her at some point. She has chosen to sing "Me & Bobby McGee" for her personal choice, with lap steel and piano in the background and very dramatic phrasing. It's exactly the perfect polished performance you would expect, taking even this very much expected and mostly overplayed tune and making it fun and pretty to hear.
I wonder if Kara will praise this song for being Crystal's own perfect narrative signifier. If you had to pick one song to describe Crystal, this would be it, wouldn't it? Mine would be "Steal My Sunshine." Ryan's would be "Chelsea Morning." Randy Jackson's theme song would be "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing," which is tragic. Ellen's is "Thank U" by Miss Alanis Morissette, because it is about mental health and gratitude, her two very favorite things. Kara's is easy and also hard, because she wrote all the songs in this world, but I think it would be a song I myself wrote called "Taking Katy Perry To The Zoo." Simon's is usually "Unchained Melody" but for this week only it is "Don't Cry For Me Argentina." Paula's coming in tomorrow for the finale. Her theme song, not to mention her crowning achievement, is "Vibeology." There's Kevin Covais in the audience. His theme song is "Why Don't We Get Drunk (and Screw)."
Jackson loved Crystal and thought it was dope. It was, it was so dope. Ellen finds her incredibly compelling onstage, which she is. Kara loved it both times she sang, and does in fact talk about the fire in the belly and how that song tells us all about Bowersox as an artist. Simon is reminded of when we fell in love with her, and informs her we are willing to forgive her for sucking so bad the last month of this show. I'm willing to cosign that, but only because I would like to see somebody awesome win this show, and Lee is great, but he's not awesome. What is the point of Lee winning against Bowersox when Kris already won last year? (I totally forgot Kris won until I was writing that sentence.)
Okay now it's Fuller's Choice: "Everybody Hurts," for Lee. Good Lord! What is it like, inside an old man's head? Lee spends more time on ornamenting his phrases and pronouncing words weird than he does actually hitting the notes, which is what you get when you ask a sweet little newbie like him to show more energy: A bunch of tics without the basics to hold them up. It's the didgeridoo/bagpipes thing all over again. Stop being Crystal and start being Lee! You are 0 for 2!
They wrap it up with a delirious gospel orgasm and pretend that it was meaningful, but Jackson was certainly fooled. Ellen agrees that he was pitchy, but has decided that doesn't matter, and asks him once again to commit. Kara calls him "emotionally accessible" and says that his crappy singing is a total virtue. Simon liked the song choice, and also doesn't seem to have a problem with the fact that he didn't sing well, but asks him -- since there's only one round left -- to please like fucking try, like just one time. Lee is like, "Why would I do that?" He doesn't say it, but it's in his eyes: The cheering is louder than the talking of the Judgery, and we've lost him. Girl, they all four of them just told you that you sang bad. This is remedial shit, and yet somehow they've all got you worried about what to wear to your AP exam.
Actually I bet you that Fuller will pick the Righteous Brothers for Crystal, just because it's Simon's last week, and because she can rock it hardcore. That's what I would do. She's got range, and can sing, which are two advantages she's got. But it'll probably be something that sort of makes sense but not really, like "Black Velvet." Which she would also rock, come to think of it. Basically I am excited about Crystal singing a song she didn't choose herself, because I hate every song she chooses herself. She's like the one person that actually was ever serviced by the theme nights, because her tastes are so variously awful.
NO SHIT! "Black Velvet!" That is insane. Me and Simon Fuller, we are like this. Sometimes we're like that but usually we're like this. (I still have no idea who Simon Fuller is. Is he the one from that dancing show that looks like a prancing fop from the Olden Days, like a castmember of Lady Windermere's Fan? And did you know that Lady Windermere Syndrome is a real disease? The Internet! Internet says that I was not too far off, and the guy I am thinking of, Nasty Nigel, is/was the other half of 19 Entertainment, while Simon Fuller just looks like your dad.) Anyway, I swear I heard something about "Unchained Melody" at some point, like, as I was writing it I wondered if maybe I was spoiled somehow and didn't remember it because of how this show gives me Memento disease, so just to cover my ass I threw out "Black Velvet" as the most random thing I could hear her voice doing. That is so cool and weird! She's going to do so great.
Oh the red backlit drama of it all! Oh the unflattering gown, like your mom at Prom. You can tell how much she enjoys the range of the song, just letting that voice fly. It's the perfect mix of that juke-joint thing she likes to do, crossed with the lady rocker stuff of, like, Heart and the Pretenders that everybody else wants her to do. She gets a little lost in the arrangement, but powers that voice straight through and out the other side. I don't know if it's a Moment, but it was well-done and probably insane if you were in the building.
Jackson thanks her for being her, essentially, without any actual thoughts. Ellen commiserates with her about the heels and gives her a standing o. Kara says tonight's the night to kill herself and hit notes she's never tried for, and that she certainly did so. Simon wasn't 100% about it, because he's had to hear the song butchered so often, but that she absolutely nailed it: His version of "make it your own." Which she did. How great! She mugs a little bit about how the finish line is in the back seats, but it's sort of glorious and not annoying at all.
The biggest bummer is that now we have to hear the two crunk singles, which is always the bummer part, but at least we know Lee's not going to suddenly come up from behind with that crap. I think we can say at this point that Crystal's doing all right for herself, in the same way that all along she's been able to turn anything into a total opposition because she's such an absolute. Crystal versus anybody or anything is an illustration in opposites, because she's both a big deal and completely herself. You define yourself against her. So Lee could really be anybody and it would still be a black and white finale. Whereas if you reverse it, anybody versus Lee wouldn't seem very epic at all. I can't think of anybody... Well, Adam was like that. Anybody versus Adam would be insane and polarized. Blake was kind of like that, just because of his specificity and topicality. In retrospect, Kelly would have been like that regardless of who the other one was. Not a definite measure of success, but it certainly helps me not worry about tomorrow.
"Beautiful Day" is the winner's single... Wait, this is just that U2 song. I love this song! I have no problem at all with this song. Deal with that. But as a single isn't that sort of like admitting that this show is stupid and has no pull with originals? Even having Kara on the jury, they still have a poor track record with those songs. Maybe they just realized "A Moment Like This" doesn't come along all that often, so they're better off having them do covers so they can sell as much as possible after Wednesday instead of having to sell both the new Idol and the new dumb song.
On the other hand, there's nothing particularly inspiring about Lee singing this song: He's just singing the song. It's a good coronation song, but doesn't have that thing. Even "Inside Your Heaven," while megagay, sort of spoke to the mournful country sadness of being Carrie Underwood and Bo Bice. We were all sort of doing the Pledge of Allegiance that whole year. But if you crack up or start crying -- check it out, Lee's not crying right now -- in the middle of this song, it just means you are emotionally labile. "What a beautiful day... to win this meaningless show!"
Jackson is proud, I'm proud, Ellen is proud of his growth and evolution and the fact that he somehow managed to be onstage for once in his life. Kara thinks he was eaten by the song, which is true, because that song is not a singer song, it's about the strings and the technobleeps in the back. Simon felt more effort with that one and whatever, but thinks that Lee is a better winner for this show because he needs a break and works at a paint store and -- Simon says verbatim -- is a "nice person."
Which has always been one of the two competing ideas about this show -- talent show for the oppressed versus huge maniacal machine -- but doesn't really get a lot of play, especially not from Simon. Honestly I'm not sure I'm comfortable with it coming into play at this point. Crystal's not exactly living it up in her daily life either, she's got a lot of baggage she's lugging around, diabetes and babies and her entire style, but so basically you're defining Lee as somebody who's not quite talented or driven enough to make it on his own -- and rewarding him for that. This may well be true about Lee, personally I think it absolutely is true, but what that means is punishing Crystal, essentially, for being better.
Very 2010 America, that, in a particularly brainless, teabaggy sort of Everyman v. Elite way. Maybe one day he'll own that paint store and be a small business owner with no health insurance for himself or his employees, but until then? He just wants to sing! Lee babbles at length about how no he doesn't need any help because he will be doing music forever and ever and ever, but do please vote for him anyway, which fits right into that particular scheme: Do you want the best, or just the one that reminds you most of yourself?
Crystal's coronation song is "Up To The Mountain." I think we've heard this in years past, have we not? Did somebody sing it in a duet with somebody some time? I think it's somebody I like. Maybe they sang it with the person who wrote it or something? Actually, I'm going to break my rule again this week and use the Internet to find out for myself. Oh, got it. Kelly sang it on IGB one year with Jeff Beck, even though they originally wanted her to sing "Never Again," and it's by Patty Griffin and it's about MLK, and it was freakin' awesome. I saw Patty Griffin once, at the (otherwise awful) Elvis Costello taping for Austin City Limits, on a tiny little stage, and she blew my mind! I remember thinking, "This is why people that love her are so crazy about it."
Will that Griffin magic carry through? Will this be a Moment? Will the essential Crystalness of this song fuse with Crystal herself, creating something human and vulnerable enough to overpower even the iconic heroism of working in a paint store?
Crowd says yes, although they aren't shitting themselves like they did for it in S6. Jackson says it was what the show's about, and one of Crystal's best things that she has ever done. I can't disagree. Ellen points out that Crystal is totally unique and somehow in a league of her own while still being the best at what she does. Totally true. Ellen says she's proud to be there at this point in Crystal's career. Kara says that Crystal's occasional personal walls were totally down in a way that they never have been, and that she blossomed this time. Crystal takes a second to thank Simon for being here and wishes him well before his critique, which seems sort of cynical at this point, but Simon says it was the best of the night and that the last word of critique he will ever say on the show is: "Outstanding."
Ryan's excited for her. Crystal points out that her journey started way before this show, and then sort of falls apart and says some stuff that makes no sense while also seeming rehearsed, and tosses out references to her kid from nowhere, and generally just seems to be out of her mind. It's okay, they're both allowed. I mean, Lee always talks crazy, but I guess that's lowered the bar for me.
Ryan gives Simon a preliminary goodbye tongue-bath and tells him tomorrow night is going to be all about Simon. I cannot wait. Lee sang a tepid "The Boxer" and a highly produced "Everybody Hurts," and then managed to ride "Beautiful Day" in a way that implied he was actually applying himself in some way but he wasn't. Crystal did her thing on three different songs, and hopefully it was enough. We shall see. They seem as exhausted as we are. I just don't want to say goodbye to Simon yet.
Luckily, we won't have to: Over shots of American flags and various young gay and mentally retarded auditioners, leading up through the Top 24, who assemble onstage, the little blonde homosexual chipmunk that won Pop Idol back in 1985 sings some kind of song about leaving, entirely through his nose. He has turned into an eerie doppelganger of Ryan Seacrest, but then, that's inevitable. Perhaps for us all.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see our suggestions for who should replace Simon!
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