So. Jacob took one look at the cable listings, saw Miley Cyrus there, said "fuck no, that hillbilly's not ruining my birthday week," and called me up from the dungeon he's been keeping me and Paula locked in to pinch hit. Hello, my babies! (Sorry, wrong FOX reality show.) It's been a while. No need to tell me all about Adam, I heard.
So the theme this week is Billboard #1 Singles, and so obviously the name that jumps out at you in any musical context but especially this one is Miley Cyrus. And obviously this is ridiculous and a sham, but honestly, if she gets to make out with -- onscreen and off -- that hot piece who's in that Nicholas Sparks movie with her, she should at least be punished by having to listen to Paige and Andrew and Katie try to sing.
P.S. I really, really hate the intro for the judges and Ryan at the beginning of the show. No wonder Kara's always acting like she's the star of her own little primetime drama. It doesn't help that Ryan asks her and Simon about their ongoing flirting like they're a will-they-or-won't-they couple on a procedural. LA LA LA LA I DON'T WANNA KNOW GET OUT OF THE MAN'S LAP. (Also, Ryan and Ellen kiss, which I assumed would be all anyone would want to talk about afterwards, but at two hours, we'll be lucky to be alive at the end of this. And that's if the performances don't near-uniformly suck (which: unlikely, this season).
So first up is Lee Dewyze, and as we get our first look at Mentor Miley, I am struck by regret that she didn't get to be here to see Haeley Vaughn butcher "The Climb" even worse than Miley herself did last season. On stage, Lee's singing The Box Tops' "The Letter," which is automatically a bad idea because I recall Carly and Michael pretty much killing on this song two years ago (and again last year). Also, Alex Chilton just died, and he was the lead singer of The Box Tops, which I actually had no idea about, because I am apparently a bad person. Hi, remember me? I know absolutely nothing about music.
The performance? Well, you know, it's Lee. He's very attractive. And he's wearing this black-on-shiny-black suit thing that's nice I guess but nothing close to that awesome argyle sweater he wore that one time. Oh, don't make me talk about the singing. It's not good. He's mumbly (as always), he's shorting notes, he sounds breathless and looks uncomfortable. Naturally, the judges are into it. I feel like that one Seinfeld episode where he tries to sabotage his relationship by suggesting a threeway ("She's INTO IT?"). Actually, Simon didn't like it, calling it corny. He baits Kara and says Lee is better than that song. I agree, Simon. Ah, back at home.
is Paige Miles, she of the strict gender guidelines for Honky Tonk Men and Women. She'll be singing "Against All Odds," as originally performed by everybody who's ever been on this show. What is with that this season? We're regressing terribly from the Adams and Krisses and Cooks and whatnot. It's like Lil Rounds and Anthony Fedorov convened and picked everyone's songs this season.
So Paige starts by sitting down on this totally random staircase that is literally connected to nothing, which would be a decent metaphor for American Idol itself if I cared about anything more than getting out of this performance as quickly as possible. Because Paige is awful, folks. Pitchy as shit, the soft notes not working for a moment; as she's done before, she's goldbricking everything except for the big belty notes, which is right at the top of my list of Idol pet peeves (right below unnecessary gender-swapping in song lyrics, so you can imagine how fond of Paige I am). Maybe she can be sick with a highly excusable illness again this week?
Nope, the judges nail her ass to the ground. Randy calls the performance "honestly terrible," and the audience can barely muster themselves to boo him, which is its own indictment. Ellen's even worse as she tries to be nice: "You didn't fall down," she says. She's talking about Paige's crazy high heels, but come on. That's wonderfully mean.
Tim Urban is going to sing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love," because he still doesn't understand a damn thing about why the people who like him like him. Miley gives him a hug in their teach -- this is becoming a pattern with Tim, not that I blame anyone for it. Tim decides that this is the week he's going to combat the "boring" problem. Which isn't in the top 5 of Tim's problems, but whatever. Tim's just hellbent on bopping around the stage like a clown, sliding to the front of the stage, heading out into a crowd of teen admirers. I guess this is all supposed to convey "energy." But the vocal -- and his dead eyes -- is as tired as ever. The vocal isn't even bad; certainly not as bad as he's capable of. But the desperation was dripping off of everything else.
To their credit, the judges aren't buying it. "Bad karaoke," says Randy. Ellen and Kara settle on the Zac Efron/HS Musical comparison -- and not in the good way. Simon calls it "completely, utterly pointless and silly." So...yeah. By the way, there is almost zero chance he's eliminated this week.
Aaron Kelly! Is a guy on this show! His deal this week is that he's got laryngitis/tonsillitis or something, and Ryan first exaggeratedly back away, then tries for some joke where he writes something on a piece of paper so Aaron won't have to... say it, except it's... Ryan's line, but he holds it up to... Aaron, who, like, reads it and gives a thumbs-up? WTF was that, Ryan? Idiot. So Aaron loves Miley, right? Because they're pretty much the same age. And remember when he sang "The Climb" in auditions? Miley says it was "great" in a way that makes me certain she never watched it. But Aaron gets to hug her and stuff. Dear God, let him not be around to see her feeling up on Tim Urban all through results night.
Aaron's singing "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing," because these kids SERIOUSLY want to make me angry about antiquated song choices. He's in good voice, as Paula might say, and it's country-tinged, which helps him. But man, what a snoozer this guys delivers, week in and week out. Very American Juniors. The judges all give him a pass on the vocals for the tonsillitis, even though I don't think he needs much of a pass. Kara liked the song choice (!), but Simon's the one to call him out on being old-fashioned. But then he tries to set Aaron up with Miley, the old softie. Between this and Alex Lambert, I'm starting to wonder about the Queen of Mean over there.
Oh, Goblin King Crystal Bowersox, oh Goblin King Crystal Bowersox, wherever you may be, take this child of mine terrible crop of amateurs far away from me! She's the greatest, you guys. This meeting between her and Miley is hysterical for all the obvious reasons, of course. But Crystal has Miley sign her guitar anyway, because she's cool like that. She performs "Me and Bobby McGee," a song that's a bit too expected of her for me to be too blown away, but much like with her "Gimme One Reason," she changes things up in such small ways that it feels assured. Like this is an actual musician noodling with a song. Which it is.
Randy comes alive on that comments, hooting and hollering about how "THAT'S being a star!" Ellen still wants more personality from her, and why she can't be this nitpicky with the actual bad singers I have no idea. She likes Crystal of course, but still. Crystal responds by saying she has "big plans for week," which I guess sounds presumptuous if you are stupid and don't think she'll be back week. There's humility and there is credulity-straining obsequiousness. Crystal ain't opting for the latter. Kara says maybe lose the guitar (prompting another "wait and see me week" from Crystal), but Simon doesn't want her to change a thing. It's not change so much as doing something surprising. Ryan points out that Crystal called for an area rug to be placed on the stage where she sang. "It's homey," Crystal says, and she and Ryan hunker down. How does this not feel completely manipulative and false and hokey? Because it doesn't?
: Big Mike. Singing "When A Man Loves a Woman." I give up. He picks up Miley as they hug, of course, and sings the song into Miley's underage eyes, which isn't so much creepy as it is kind of dispiriting that Mike is just going to camp out in that croony, lounge-lizardy box all season. "I want this song to speak to all the lovers out there," he says. See? He's got his collar unbuttoned to the MAX, he's hitting all the familiar rhythms on this song. I guess I wasn't expecting this week to be so old fashioned. Number One singles, you know? From ANY year. You'd think these kids would jump at any excuse to sing something contemporary. Alas. Wasn't Season 5 like this? Where everyone was Billie Holliday or Barbra Streisand or Joe Cocker or something? I hated that season.
So Randy's happy that Mike "knows who he is," because Randy loves the big-note-hitters. But Ellen notes that the song was a safe choice, and Kara gets even more to the point, saying "lounge-y" and "over-indulgent." Simon goes all X-Factor on him, talking about how he'd have altered the arrangement and everything. He doesn't seem all too worried about Mike going home, though. Not that he should be.
Andrew Garcia is , as I brace myself. In his teach with Miley, he stumbles over the words (to "Heard It Through the Grapevine," effing of course), because he's... I guess nervous because it's Miley. So weird. He's got like eight years and a lifetime of tattoos on that girl. Anyway, maybe it's because of this misplaced deference that he allows Miley to convince him to perform without his guitar. One the one hand, I don't know how you do "Heard It Through the Grapevine" as an acoustic jam. On the other hand, Andrew is even worse without his instrument. The performance feels a lot like last week's, with the over-enunciated notes that just scream "amateur," to me. Like Lee's performance, it feels stilted and at half-speed, but unlike Lee, Andrew's been sucking wind for weeks now, so he's not getting a pass.
First to be unimpressed is Miley, as we cut to her looking bored and gabbing with Adam Shankman. The judges shred poor Andrew, again. This never gets easier to watch, mostly because I think we all realize this is all Andrew can give us, and it's not nearly enough. Simon finally says what no one has yet: maybe we all overrated Andrew's "Straight Up" performance and were seeing a singer who was never really there. At this point, I want to believe that, because I can't deal with thinking that Andrew is capable of being that good again but unable to get there.
Katie Stevens is a girl I had absolutely no use for, until last week when she at least managed a good vocal on "Wild Horses." This week, she's singing the only contemporary song of the whole night, Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry." I'd say I have never been so happy at the prospect of a Fergie song, but that would be a lie. I will say that this is the second time in a year that Fergie's presence has been the sole bright spot in a sea of awful, thank you very much Nine. ...Katie? Well, Katie isn't a very good singer, but she does a better job on this than I expected. In so many ways, Katie's taking too big of a bite on this song. It's not a poor choice -- she needs to be up for a song like this -- but she's not quite able to tackle it.
Randy and Kara agree there were "mad pitch issues" (guess who said that one? -- you might be surprised) but both liked it anyway, while Ellen thought it was the best she's been so far this season. Simon and Kara bicker for a bit about whether Katie's a pop/R&B artist or a pop/country artist. How about she's no kind of artist at all? Simon says she needs to model herself after Miley's career, which is more towards the middle ground between he and Kara than he thinks. Not that it matters, of course. So much of this season is like Hypothetical Idol. "In an alternate universe in which people would pay to hear you sing, here's what you should do."
Casey James! Who I am forgetting more and more, I am sad to say. Hello unexpected Top 7 elimination who won't even get saved because that save has Siobhan's name written all over it! He looks fresh out of the shower this week, which is not an unappealing look for him. He tells Miley, "I'm a big fan of your dad's," which is probably (hopefully) a lie, is kind of annoying in his "I don't own a TV" way, and is nonetheless kind of hilarious. Speaking of hilarious, Casey will be singing "The Power of Love." The Celine Dion power ballad, you ask? No, that would be too crackheadedly amazing to ponder. No, in a competition taking place on national television, with fans and record executives and the Obama daughters watching, Casey has chosen to sing the Huey Lewis song from Back to the Future. Season over.
The performance is corny as shit, but Casey sings it well. He throws in that little gratuitous blues guitar riff at the end, which... maybe not every week, huh? Nobody but Kara liked the song choice; Kara thinks he's album-ready and made the song sound current. Simon is utterly nonplussed, not nearly getting what Kara saw/heard in Casey. It sounded to him like corny '80s crap with no originality. He chalks it up to him being English, but I'm not sure Casey should get off so easily. At least he can sing/perform, but he can't keep picking awful songs like this.