Much like shuttles from Florida's Kennedy Space Center, the contestants here use up a lot of gas only to end up where they started. They flame out, or flame up, and eventually come crashing back down to Earth. Or something. Also in Orlando is the Disney thing, which also is synonymous with dreams. If your "dreams" include being a motherless princess without viable job skills or a virgin/whore fairy in a tiny, tiny dress that shows off your ass made of lines on paper. Tiny Emmy-winning princess Kristin Chenoweth, in your navy blue dress-skort that would get you reamed if you were anyone else, save us from Florida's horrors!
Like Theo Glinton (22, Fort Pierce, FL), who is wearing a dumb scarf and a dumb cape and a bunch of feathers and beer caps glued to his face like he woke up in Lady GaGa's recycling. He's huge, flirts unsuccessfully with Ryan, tells us how faaaabulous he is a whole bunch, flounces around with a cape and his gross blue contacts and his impenetrable lisp... It's the triple crown of gross gay, gross crazy and possibly mentally disadvantages. I believe you win, sir. Congrats on that.
When I talk about how slash fiction -- like musical theatre and makeover shows -- is just a sneaky way for fat girls to turn gay men into zoo animals, this is what I'm talking about. This is the end result.
Simon patronizes him for awhile about how he wants to be an Idol-slash-salon owner, and then he sings "Heartbreaker," and of course it's horrible, with a studded belt and the lisp and the scary eyes and glitter on every single goddamn area. Kristin just looks intensely worried for him. As she should. Kara tells him he's not J. Hud and he looks like he just got stabbed, and Randy calls him "Baby" and tells him to stop dressing like an outpatient and then he gets the Other Door treatment before we cut to Ryan talking to his sketchy associates. Wow, that really was like every single audition at once.
Ryan, finally charmed by the giant truck of Theo's whatever-it-is, slowly pulls each and every gem and piece of bullshit off Theo's face one by one, then giggles in the wake of his entourage about how he's now covered in glitter. Just like every other wonderful day of your life, you magnificent little prince.
Lots of losers, a chicken suit, Kristin bonding with Kara and being adorable, Simon shitting himself with rage, a dumb montage of Kara/Kristin desperately trying to make us pretend Kara isn't a wretched heckling bitch, a chinless 4th Level Druid, Kristin being adorable at all times, a priest and a cowboy, a hot gay dude with a guitar, a girl in a stupid-looking hat, and then human giant Seth Rollins (28, Lakeland, FL).
Seth has two kids, one of whom has very high-functioning autism and a scorching case of adorable. Classily, "Fix You" plays while he tells us all about that and shifty-eyes all over the place talking about it, and the kid cries, and it's pretty boring honestly. He tells the judges how family comes first, and he has a really wonderful speaking voice. He sings "Someone To Watch Over Me" quite beautifully indeed. In fact, maybe you didn't need to bring the kid at all. Just something to consider.
It's just such a layer cake of BS that you can't be expected to keep up. On the one hand, his personal drama includes a special-needs kid, and he can be expected to take that into account as part of his life. It is his life, after all. But then you've got this show pushing to make a big deal out of it -- so however their family, including the kid, has negotiated having this extra hassle in their lives, no long signifies. It does not happen that parents or immediate-family makes this big a deal about it, or gets offended about things that don't signify, because they don't know the difference. Well, unless they are mentally unstable or otherwise already a jerkoff, in which case they'd just pimp their kids out in some other way. But that's really rare and easy to spot. If you act like that -- because you can think whatever you want, especially at four AM, nobody's going to hear you or blame you -- but if you ask for attention for that, you don't deserve to be a parent. Kids aren't ever something that happened to you. They're something that happens.
A good rule of thumb is that if somebody doesn't mention their autistic kid, it's more likely they have one. Or a blonde kid, or a fat kid, or anything but an honor student or gifted student, probably they're not going to trumpet it as a sign of their own virtue, because they're too busy getting food on the table that the kid won't eat because kids are jerks, or adjusting for the kid's weird behaviors, or helping them deal with tricky situations. Like how parents do. But almost all of the time it's gonna be the aunt -- or the sister-in-law, or the vaguely somehow friend-of-the-family -- that acts like having an autistic nephew or whatever is the reason you should applaud them for breathing and wait for them to cry their immense and powerful feelings into the tissue you've provided. And in this case, as usual, American Idol is that selfsame barren dowager.
Kristin loves his Gershwin update, Kara wants more, Simon loves his confidence and individuality. The boys agree he needs more of a personality, but they all love him. The music goes insane and everybody in the holding pen claps for him and whatever. How heartwarming. Wifey cries about it, and he cries about it, and the... You know you can't bring the kid onstage, right? It will actually be about singing?
I love Taylor Swift. She's like that technology law about how everything doubles and goes twice as fast every year until we're all robots, but of being famous. Back in the day you had to wait years before everybody rushed to defend you from the scary black man, and another couple to have your first fake relationship with a gay celebrity. Now it's like they'll probably give Taylor Swift her Lifetime Achievement Award at the Oscars soon and she'll have a comeback album this fall and eventually get on one of those shows like The Closer by year.
Rihanna haircut, hot mom, a giant superhero bodyguard that looks like he's going to split the TV from being so huge, cute girl in a hat, kiss-blower, hot guy with a stripe like Gremlin Stripe, weird football guy scaring Ryan, sweet adorable redhead dancing with her dad, some stud named Jordan, a crying girl, a blonde girl willing to do anything, a girl hugging Ryan, a confused lad, group hugging, a totally hot babyfaced kid that looks like all gay porn and they keep showing him over and over, and then: Jermaine Purifoy (24, Cleveland, TN).
Auditioned in Season 7, didn't deserve by his own admission to make it, and now he's back. He looks like a nice guy, has a very nice voice -- I guess he went to Hollywood two years ago and got cut? -- and they let him go with that song about smiling when your heart is breaking, for quite a awhile. Kristin particularly is feeling him, and Simon is very into him. They all cut loose on him with love, to the point that Kristin's kind of whimpering. They agree that he might be the best audition of the year, and that he is believable and honest. Randy still doesn't understand percentages. I love how every single thing he does becomes a total tic the second he does it, like, "Maybe this is what having a personality is like?"
Okay, I'll use Bing the second I get a hot vampire boyfriend. Your move, universe.
Shelby Dressel (18, Avon Park, FL) has a congenital spinal issue that has caused half her gorgeous face to be unusable. Ryan gets up really close so she'll believe him when he says how pretty she is. She speaks honestly about how nervous performing makes her, because of her face. She sings "Turn Me On" by Norah Jones and the Judgery loves her with no small amount of relief. I can't imagine what it's like to be up there and see the people and wonder if they're supposed to be awesome or a mean joke. It's nice when they're awesome. The whole Judgery glows at her until she forgets the words, yells, "Holy shit!" and cracks all of them up. I really love her. Simon likes her a lot but isn't sure about the voice. I think she's a serious contender. Kristin says she has great potential, and Simon gives her a "small y" yes. I'm looking forward to watching her.
Nineteen total got through in Day One, and not that many of them look immediately very interesting: A truly beautiful girl in genie pants, Shelby, a screaming family person, a skinny girl in a red dress, a little blonde, a girl with long brown hair, an annoying haircut, a Banana Republic employee, a cute blonde in shorts, a cute hipster, and that giant comic book superhero guy. Awesome!
A gay man talks about dreams some more, and Kristin leaves for Day Two. Meaning we have Kara and Randy to deal with on our own. She gives the bullpen a speech while looking beautiful, and then we meet Jay Stone (25, Miami), who in the bullpen was sitting to some kind of inbred mountain creature. Jay takes Blake's beatboxing to the level, which it turns out is a scary level. He goes into "Come Together" while still beatboxing himself. It's pretty much fucking fascinating -- I can't really explain it, it's like that Björk album where she sounded scary, crossed with the sound of Transformers transforming, while a Beatles song plays on an 8-bit video game -- and shows a lot of talent and musical knowledge, but if he ever does that again I will punch somebody.
Kara totally gets why he's awesome, Simon thinks but is not sure, and finally he just breaks into "Ain't No Sunshine" just to prove that he has an amazing voice on top of all the rest of that stuff. Kara and Randy make computer noises while he sings, which cracks the crew up but honestly is annoying. Simon gets in on the attack, but then awesomely Kara and Randy start backing him up for real, and he gets into it and sings along, and it's amazing. Simon doesn't get it and has decided he hates him, Kara explains the fifty great things of Jay and begs Randy to pull himself together, but all Randy can talk about is Blake Lewis, which has little to do with what's going on here, and they're all laughing forever, and the guy drum-rolls Randy's decision. Which, if you know Randy, is the key.
Outside, his friends pick Ryan up and carry him around like a wee delight. Girls dancing. We have time for a girls dancing montage. Blonde Janell Wheeler (24, Tampa) gets Simon's attention by being beautiful, but Kara actually likes her. Beautiful Brittany Starr James (23, Coral Springs FL) sings "American Boy" from last year, and it's lovely. Kasi Bedford (19, Seminole FL) bucks the trend by being horrible, both in her affected and annoying voice and in her look, which involves bright purple weave under her real weave. However, the judges decide that all three of them are worth it.
Cornelius Edwards (24, Boynton Beach, FL) is a giggly and funny security guard and hangs with strippers, which is where he gets his moves. That's pretty awesome. I bet in Florida the strippers are a whole other thing. Like if you draw a line from "schoolteacher" to "stripper," that same distance gets you to "Florida stripper." Then he sings "Proud Mary" and does the splits and his pants rip and he's adorable a lot more, and they all decide that they adore him and his hanging-out penis. It's fantastic. Every part of this is fantastic. Outside, Ryan does a little dance with a weirded-out kid; inside, Kara's doing some kind of... Character, I think. Like this Staten Island aspirational bitch who says things like "That was hilaaaarious" while sipping from a straw. Or maybe that's actually Kara, I don't even know anymore. On the other hand, I'm finally loving her again this episode, and that's the first time that's happened this year. [Also, Ryan chastised the producers for wanting Corny here to do a split again given his torn crotch situation because this is ostensibly a family show. Oh, Ryan, so sweet thinking about the children, who are subjected to at least twelve minutes of angry rage and cussed out bleeping each and every episode.-- Angel]
: Seriously gross people Bernadette and Amanda Desimone (Cherry Hill, NJ). Sometimes stereotypes are real, it's not your fault when that happens, don't worry about it. Brightly colored dresses, flowing stretch fabrics of every description, hair out to here, bullshit about how they're equally talented, they have a hair salon in their house, it's just awful. They crawl all over Ryan and make him feel like a pimp for a second, then head inside and waste everybody's time for a million years.
Bernadette (27, looking 40) goes first with a tuneless and weirdly pronounced shouting "Hit The Road Jack," then comes Amanda (23, looking 45) with "I Wanna Dance With Somebody," and... For the first time, that claim to being equally talented actually bears some merit. Hilariously, they bop around in the background of each other moaning along with how amazing they are, it's so stupid and gross. Simon finds them hideous and Kara's like, "I think you're from Jersey." They are amazed like she is Henry Higgins. Simon tells them the "crazy nodding" of support for each other made them look like buttholes, and Kara's yes is... Randy pulls it out like yucky taffy once more, begging for attention as long as he can get it, before finally saying yes to both of them. Then they go through, which makes me want to vomit. They won't last. I hope they get into a fight with somebody really rough and get thrown in the pool. Or a busy street.
Some kind of trash is what I would call Jarrod Norrell (28, Marietta, GA) as he drones on stupidly at length about God knows what, with sound effects and whatever. This is twice as horrific without Chenoweth to take the burden. Kara hates him before he even says anything about choosing "Amazing Grace" because you have to "give it up to God," which is so gross and obnoxious I don't even want to hear him sing. But then it turns out none of us do, because it is awful. Two more fucking weeks of this.
He's clearly very impressed with himself. Kara goes, "Oh, good Lord!" Then she asks him if he's fucking kidding, and he starts to lose his mind and asks the boys to confirm, and he starts crying and talking like Matt Saracen about how he's trippin' and flippin' it and losin' it and whatever, and then busts back into the horrible singing some more. Finally Randy calls for security, which is good because he starts to go kind of nuts at this point. The guys escort him away, making Ryan a little bit nervous, and then he goes apeshit on security and ends up getting handcuffed. The best part about that is how you can see his white trash ponytail so clearly. Then they march him past the bullpen, who finds this hilarious, and the music tries to make it seem like a much bigger deal than it is. After they've all sat in stunned silence, Simon goes, "...Yes or no?" And for one beautiful second Simon Cowell realizes how adorable he can be, as he bathes in the love of an entire room.
Oh, for... Florida, if you don't want people to think you're the nastiest state in the union, stop acting like this. Guess what, if you go to jail for four years, that is not a personal tragedy. Get over it and shut up about it. That's not a sympathy plea, it's a red flag. And I'm saying that liking this guy, but still. I'm not putting my creepy shit on your front lawn and I'm certainly not doing it to make you my friend. Jail isn't something that "happened" to you, it's something that happened.
Matt Lawrence (25, Starke, FL) is huge and hot and looks like Michael Pitt on steroids. He was once led by the "desire for adventure" to rob a bank with a BB gun. Now, he was 15 and that makes it fucked up, but it's still not something you should talk about. Especially if you're thinking talking about how much it "hurt" and how somehow we should be more sympathetic toward you. I'm not saying the story makes me like him less, I'm saying that shit should not come up.
He sings "Trouble" by Ray Lamontagne, and has a beautiful voice and a whole gigantor style that I really like. He's the kind of mountain you might think about climbin'. The judges are very quiet for him, and slowly get into it. They talk about how sincerely nice -- and I think wise -- he seems, and Simon calls him "brilliant." He says it feels like Matt wrote the song, which he means both as a signal of authenticity and also a joke about his trashy narrative. Kara loved the subtlety and control of his higher notes. Then Randy repackages everything they just said for them. Simon calls him the easiest yes of the day, and he goes through.
Day Two brings us 31 tickets in total: A guy in a hat, a cute screaming girl who does a dance with her tongue hanging out, a girl from before that we don't know about, a dude who high-fives Ryan so hard he slams into the wall, a girl with a big family of screamers, Kara and Randy manically hugging Ryan, a horrible girl in day-glo everything who literally jumps in the pool with joy, the grinning face of the Banana Republic girl... And that's it. I don't understand any of this. What is the point of Auditions again? We saw maybe five minutes total of any of those 31 people. This week was ridiculous. Just thick with stupidity.
week: Dallas with NPH and Joe Jonas, then LA with Avril and that girl who kissed a girl and pretended she liked it so boys would think she was sexually confident instead of what she was, which was: Drunk, and desperately slutty, and a hater of women.
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