Whoa! Boundaries!

S08E39

Before Carrie sings the "Home Sweet Home" song, which neither DVR nor I are particularly interested in, Ryan shakes his hand dutifully and asks if he think he brought it home. Kris says, meaning it for the first time ever on this show, that they're not really competing. They like each other. Ryan says they're good friends, pushing that again, and calls it a "fun fun fight," but honestly I think there's something more interesting going on here, which is that you Americans have chosen two different versions of the same wonderful thing, which until maybe I guess this year weren't viable as heroes.

Boys with feelings have not been in vogue for a very long time. I mean, it's music and acting and all these things, but as a discrete product, as a selling of the personality itself, you don't get that too often until recently. I mean... Fine, let's do it. No homo, but the reason I do perseverate on unicorns and talk about them all the time doesn't have a whole lot to do with girly horse emotions, it comes from the fact that I was raised in a very twee, very hobbit-oriented milieu, and it took awhile to get to that sad day when I figured out that unicorns were officially a Girl Thing. I learned all that stuff differently -- like, the Rouchefoucald tapestries at the Cloisters: this bayoneted engine, this killing machine with its head in the virgin's lap, all that stuff -- but once it became clear that outside the Empowered Feminism Child Development Shire it was something entirely different, I knew I was getting into some pretty sticky territory thinking about them at all.

Which would be a particularly unfierce but somewhat sad 1970s Shel Silverstein poem except for the fact that when I was a kid, I was Very Definite about things. Insanely so. Not stubborn, just over it, and not willing to discuss further once I'd made up my mind about things, because if those nonnegotiable things became problematic, it just meant they had to be kept deep, with alllll the other stuff that wasn't up for discussion. Which wasn't really a problem either, because I desperately need to be admired and it just makes sense to hold onto stuff that doesn't belong to other people anyway, if they're not going to appreciate it.

So one of these decisions I came to as a boy was that unicorns were, like my Dad, the best possible option for what being a man actually looked like. Because you have to be able to do both: be strong and fuck things up if necessary, but also capable of holding your son or daughter in your lap, or crying, also when necessary. You have to be absolutely in love with sex, but able to set it aside too, without thinking it defines you. Pretty much any contradictory thing we think nothing of demanding from women, but write ourselves a pass for, that's what you're accountable to. You have to be both things all the time if you can ever hope to stay whole, and the trick is being present enough to stay in control of that, and not get lazy enough to ever be one or the other entirely. How to be strong without turning cold, tough but tender. Soft, but not fragile.

Randy's in a suit and purple checks, and looks awesome. Kara's looking dour, but I've noticed her affect doesn't really mean much anymore. Paula's waving in an awfully spazzy fashion and has overtanned herself, and her hair's all a mess. She's rocking the Serena van der Woodsen look, actually: crazy-person hair and a shapeless toga that is all about the boobs. Adam and Kris are dressed like they always are; everybody in the audience looks married to Tom Hanks. I swear there are like seven Mimi Rogerses and twelve Rita Wilsons out there. I can't believe how proud I am of Kris Allen. Just looking at him fills me with glee. I wonder how many times they're going to mention how Kris and Adam are like best friends.

So Kris won the coin toss, and he's going second as usual. The three songs are, first the contestant's favorite song from the season, then Simon Fuller, and then the coronation song, written by (!) Kara, Cathy Dennis and Mitch Allan, three people I like very much. Oh, and Ryan wants you to know that they're going over their two hours tomorrow for sure, so be sure and tape the news. What he doesn't tell us is a damn thing about what'll happen in those two hours. Cross your fingers right now and say it with me: "David Bowie. David Bowie. David Bowie." Oh, and tonight is Glee! I'm so excited about that.

So you think you can make me watch So You Think You Can Dance, do you? Maybe this year it'll work. You know what I actually really love? Step It Up & Dance. I wonder if that will come back ever.

Ryan asks Adam's parents if he was born with the intense voice, and his dad's like, "He has been screaming like this since he was born." Dad says maybe his whole life was just practicing screaming for TV, and Adam explains he was hyperactive and couldn't be trusted in public, just like now.

It's so weird, because while we seem to have been presented with this cornucopia of songs and choices and flavors, this is the only week where the contestants don't really have any choices at all. One song they both have to sing, one song is going to be a Golden Oldie chosen by a golden oldie, and the first one they already sang. I mean, it makes sense, as a sort of survey of the show, but wouldn't it be crazy to get one more truly insane Adam choice here at the end?

So predictably, Adam will be singing "Mad World" again, from The Year Of Your Birth. He comes out in a trenchcoat surrounded by mists, which means Randy is going to be screaming about Twilight at some point, because he only knows three things at any time. Actually, it's more like Donnie Darko and Thomas Anderson going on a date at the haunted opera.

There's a cool scraping sound in the background the entire time that either means it's going to build all crazy, or it's just an awesome effect that will sound really good on the studio version. I say B, although considering how moody the song is, watching Adam finagle a way to go truly insane on it in some counterintuitive way would be really fun. How cool would it be to transition into the Tears For Fears version at the end? I've always thought it was funny that the only crap this Gary Jules version got from anybody was that it was somehow less badass than the Tears For Fears version. Can you imagine being told that you're like a softer version of that band? You would like automatically grow a long ponytail and start listening to jazz.

The first one was successful because we didn't know he could do stripped down and vulnerable, so it's nice that this one is more dramatic. His voice is beautifully controlled, and somehow less in-your-face, and then... It's over. I still think the techno would have been cool, and Adam would have been able to pull it off. So at this point I was going to reproduce exactly what Randy said about the song, just to show you how I was wise to stop recapping him, but my fingers don't want to type it. They all put on footie pajamas and grabbed teddybears when I tried.

Kara remembers how that song proved to her that he was a true artist, and says something cool about how when he did it the first time, he scared the shit out of everybody and they started strategizing to keep up with him. That's awesome. You know I've always thought that she was here basically because Blake started an avalanche that led to Brooke and David Cook, which is the same reason I'm still here, because this year everybody was like that almost. But imagine if she'd been here in Seven to explain him to everybody else. Danny and Anoop both look like they've eaten whole lemons out in the audience, and Giraud looks bummed to have to sit with them.

Meanwhile, Simon literally has his shirt unbuttoned to his navel. You can see all the way down to like his childhood and formative experiences. He says that the original was Adam's best of the whole year, but that this one was a bit overly theatrical, reminding him of Phantom Of The Opera of course (And guess what Randy starts screaming?) But Adam's awesome, because he's like, "They told me they had dry ice!" Like that's all it took to convince him. I bet it was. Simon says that another factor reminding him of that musical was the lurking of Ryan, who then comes out and almost holds Adam's hand. Not, we'll see, for the last time.

When Kris was little, he hated singing, so they'd pay him. Over the years his prices gradually raised until his parents could no longer afford him, at which point he began issuing his own currency. No, sorry, he gave his mom coupons for songs that she could redeem at her leisure. That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard. Dad and Ryan Seacrest agree, giggling too much to actually form words.

I just hope she uses them responsibly, and not like in the middle of a crowd at Friendly's or standing in line at the DMV or anything like that. Or go on a bender and make him sing sixteen exhausting songs and then freak out like she's at the races once she'd run out, with the emotional blackmail and ugly addict behavior: "Don't you love your mother? I gave birth to you! Sing, damn it!"

So Kris will be singing "Ain't No Sunshine" on the piano, and it will of course be awesome. And yes, his voice is not only perfect and beautiful as usual, but more passionate and yearning than usual. All that time with Adam has turned him into a little bit more of a salesman, I think. This is a very performed performance, very showmanshippy. It kicks in with some appropriate strings, and sounds amazing the entire time. It's hard to care about this song. He even works out the soul breakdown in the middle, by transposing it to a comfortable whiteboy place. Awesome. The end is super stretched out, like to a degree that would be indulgent if he weren't so low-key and if it hadn't built there the entire time. That can be tricky, when you do that stuff at the end there. Do it wrong and you've got a Gokey/Aiken sledgehammer, but do it right and you win.

Randy still thinks he knows what kind of record Kris would do, and he still doesn't, but he's right that Kris just did one of the best things he's done all season. Kara screams some hyperbolic Abduliana about how if you're not moved by Kris there's something wrong with you, and that he creates an intimate bond with his performances, like he's singing just to you. And here I thought I was the only person that felt that way. Paula then outdoes Kara in Talking Like Paula, all about how he awakens the spirit in all of us, and how his ... trademark is a marking. Or something, I don't know. You know what she means, I guess. Simon praises him for rising to the level of the competition these last weeks, and admits being a little flummoxed by America's choice last week but takes it all back after that.

I know, right? I felt so strongly about "Heartless" that I wasn't totally taken aback, but it's so nice to see Kris finally realize what he's actually supposed to do here. Kris, of course, nearly starts crying. Even Ryan must note the way that Kris's momentum came literally out of nowhere, and leaves the question in the air as to how he went from the tween Archuleta competition to being recognized as a more cognizant and talented artist than Danny Gokey in a single hour.

I still kinda wish Matt Giraud had gotten whatever kick was delivered to Kris's pants, because he and Kris have been consistently the most technical and low-key performers and I've loved them both for it, but if I had to pick one I'm glad it's Kris. Either way, I love it. Simon gives Round One to Kris, and can barely believe it himself. After five years or whatever, I just love feeling like this show actually isn't about voting blocs, like that was an urban legend and even at the end of a seemingly set-in-stone season like this somebody can just jump out and activate their awesomeness and change the entire game. That people are actually paying attention. Doesn't that make you feel good?

Simon Fuller chose "A Change Is Gonna Come" for Adam Lambert, wearing a cool sharky suit and doing Sam Cooke? Yes please. It's right in the middle of his range, that sweet area that he always seems to see as a platform for jumping off. It's so fun to hear. And I mean, who knew Adam could do oldies soul like this? Well, Adam can do anything, but you know what I mean. It's like seeing a trapeze artist do tai chi, just calm down for a second and be awesome. He's got all this intensity and stuff, right, and to bring it to a soul song and play it mostly straight is really exciting. His voice sounds insane on this song, even without the screeching... And there's the screeching.

That's fine. I like how sometimes even Adam seems shocked by the sounds coming out of him, and does a little Betty Boop move with his eyes wide to indicate that he's not entirely in control. I'm mostly just stuck on: What an awesome choice, Other Simon! This is why you have the job that you have! I mean, there's a semiotic thing here, having to do with Obama and hope-type words, and it's an ideological mashup with the electric backup and the awesome organ, but consider an alternate universe where Danny was here, how different this song would be coming off.

Without Danny to push against, it's like he's singing for everybody, and not just half of everybody. Whatever Kris does, he could have sung exactly this same song and it wouldn't mean anything much different; either way it's like, "Today is a really nice day and I'm glad we survived." You know? That whole foot pain is not a fact of life, life is much better than that thing. I keep waiting for the bad shit to show up and it keeps not happening. Maybe that's for tomorrow. Maybe Rihanna will come and somebody will yell something inappropriate, or something.

Kara's decided that was his best performance and interpretation of all time, just like every time he sings or she talks, but she's right: he was able to combine those screeching high notes but also do the emotional side. She calls this the winning combination, using "both sides of [himself]," which is not only true and sort of amazing, but also makes him cry. Paula also thinks it was the best he's ever sung. Her van der boobs are also doing the best job they've ever done. She mentions the way he commanded the stage, and calls him iconic and a superstar. Guys, you know if you keep going there he's going to break down, and he's still got like a hundred songs to sing tonight. Simon welcomes him back to the game, and he chuckles with how awesome Adam is.

Yet again, Ryan and Adam are holding hands. This is the best. They keep holding hands and forgetting not to hold hands, and then sort of regretfully remember and let go. Simon also finds this awesome, but man, you know I would have to be wearing some kind of shock collar not to be always reaching for Ryan and grabbing and snatching and fixing his tie and ruffling his hair and imagining lint and whatnot. I cannot think of anything more comforting in this universe than Ryan holding your hand, obviously, but I also was reading up on Alien Hand Syndrome for my other job, and learned about this related syndrome called Utilization Behavior where your hands have a mind of their own and just grab everything, like, if there's a hairbrush on the table near you, you pick it up without even thinking about it and start brushing your hair, but like compulsively. And that's how Ryan is to me, and apparently how Adam Lambert is to Ryan, because he won't leave him alone for anything.

So they finally let go and butch up for one second, all "Game on!" and then... right back to holding hands. They are some handholding motherfuckers. I have never once in the history of this show wanted to be on that stage in any capacity -- maybe for a boxing match with David Archuleta -- but right now that hot mess is exactly where I... Katie and Suri. KATIE AND SURI! I saw them! Look, it's Katie and Suri! Katie's holding Suri to her chest, with one hand over her ears. Probably it's pretty loud in there, but if you're Suri Cruise I bet it's just deafening after being raised in quiet contemplation like that. I know we love Adam Lambert but it's so loud, Mommy!

Random hotties in the audience, who are you? I can't wait to see what Fuller gives Kris. Let me think what it will be. "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." I'm clearly kidding, but what? What kind of nicey-nice acoustic love-in will he... "What's Going On?" That's so amazing. Simon Fuller is a God, that's so obviously right on. We even traded our scary producer for an awesome one! This season, man. Plus it's Kris. Even a sort of worn out song like "(The Ecology") can be fresh with him. I mean, I like the song, I loved it before I even knew what it was -- as usual with covers from Cyndi Lauper albums from my childhood, when I was pretty convinced she wrote every song in the world -- but it's hard to differentiate. I bet Simon will say something about that. Even when it's not soundalike he says it is.

I ... Hmm, I see those tall hand drums like my dad has. Tablas? Congas. So that's what conga drums are. The things you don't know are staggering when you come face to face with them. I remember this little quote I read where Tegan (of Tegan and Sara) was talking about how she made it to adulthood thinking that unicorns were real, just extinct, and I was A) enchanted and B) jealous, but mostly whenever I find something obvious out I think about the unicorns and how I wish I was confused about them. Like, did you know what soy sauce is made of? I didn't. It's soybeans. Did not put that one together.

Okay, so he's got conga guy, and a guy playing another hand drum I can't identify, both of which sound usual for this song, and he's playing the acoustic guitar. Which is one of the few things you actually could draw the line with: Adam is a performer singer, and Kris is a musician who sings. That's like their whole personalities right there, musically. If Adam had a guitar how could he stomp around and scream and show us his business? And if Kris were just standing there nervously shivering... Well, we've seen that. But at least I've identified one large difference between them. Which reminds me I totally forgot to make the Marry/Fuck/Kill joke about the Top Three last week. Dammit, that would have rocked. The answer might have surprised you!

No, no it really wouldn't have. And if I have to marry Adam Lambert in order to finally meet Ryan Seacrest, I'm sticking by it. Besides, the one thing you can count on iconic superstars for is leaving you alone when you're trying to do shit, which is my main issue with getting married. Well, that and the fact that it's inherently sexist. Well, and the fact that I still resent marriage for being a fake political issue that gets everybody all riled up and self-absorbed so they don't see the sneaky shit that is actually going on in their politicians. Yes, marriage is the Whites Only water fountain of the millennium, but it's like: should I really get aggro about that when the water itself is irrelevant and tastes like the '50s? I'll take Diet Coke instead, it's not a problem, don't get up. I know where the vodka's located.

Sorry, I can't focus. Normally there's something to hate so my basically sunny nature is disguised by vitriol, but there's nothing here to hate so the flights of fancy are just... weird. A thing happened that was awesome, another thing happened that was awesome, here's a little speech about unicorns. I'm trying. Kris drops the guitar at certain points in the song, in a really great way, and the performance really does have a certain momentum that Kris sometimes forgets about. And the drummers are awesome! I've always liked the lyrics of this song because you can punctuate them wherever you want: "Picket lines and picket signs/ Don't punish me with brutality" can mean about six things. Like for me, I hate a lot of empty activism because it's so ego-based, so that's like, why pull apart when you can be coming together: "Come on and talk to me so that you can see what's going on," like, more work gets done by actually figuring shit out than yelling about it because we have more in common than not, and agitating against the Other just keeps them that way. But if you're really plugged into that victim sense of having these shadowy enemies that are winning, then it's several completely separate statements, and I like that.

And while in that vein it's interesting that Danny is sitting with Kris's family, along with Sarver and who knows who else, it's more interesting that Randy's first comment is praise on how the song takes on the radically affectionate zeitgeist of the moment. All alone, it's sort of a protest song, but along with Adam's it's nothing like that, and I think it's pretty amazing that they were able to shuffle the deck on this stuff so quickly. Like American Idol has never, ever been about polarizing ideologies, what? That's crazy talk!

However, Randy thinks it's a little "light" for the situation, because it's a soft good-feeling song. Um, remember Jason Castro? That shit sells. I think this is still just about the fact that Randy has no concept of what Kris is actually about, and still thinks he's secretly a rocker in some way. Kara likes that he's always himself, which is true, and also praises the "socially conscious" choice, because Kris always uplifts us and makes them think and feel and change. Kris is a force for change, people. Paula tells us that what's really "goin' on" is that he tore that song up and Marvin Gaye would be proud. You know what's really "goin' on" is that she's been dying to say this pun all night. God love her.

Simon agrees with Randy that it was too laidback, and not momentous enough. But he also says it's like three hippies strumming along in their college dorm, which is dumb for two reasons, the first being that only a truly ancient person would think that activism is a college activity or that this song has that connotation anymore, but also because: tell me exactly how spending the night in Kris's dorm room is a terrible thing. Ryan's like, "Lots of symbolism this week, yeah?" Um, now that you said it, no. It's officially too much. The subtext has become text, which would seem to have itself become a hoagie you people are shoving down our throats.

Then Simon gives round two to Adam. I don't disagree, and God forbid I get all defensive and have to explain away Simon's opinion rather than accepting it. But no matter what happened tonight, I think he would give the first round to one of them, and the second round to the other one, because that's how it works. And maybe there's a little bit of this that is his American blindness, like with country music, where he doesn't really get the acoustic rocker thing and how flaccid it's allowed to actually be, and that plays into it too. Or maybe I'm just being dumb and he's right.

Shuffling through the playlist this week, I've been too obsessed with A) the prints and stickers and other fun stuff I got today from my favorite visual artist, Matt Cipov and B) watching videos by Ryan Trecartin, who is sort of like the Ryan Seacrest of my crazy. But I have been enjoying a little bit of the following in between those things: Darwin Deez, French Kicks, and more obsessively, Those Dancing Days and White Rabbits.

Oh, Michael Sarver, it's nice to see you again. Not talking, not singing: just sitting there. Matt Giraud also. Heading into the homestretch we learn that the song is called "No Boundaries." Which: wow. The symbolism talk just went to a new place. I am not a scholar of these coronation singles, as I'm sure many of you are, so I can't say, but it seems slightly less awful than usual. And the idea of linking whatever this hopeful vibe they're trying for to a personal story of overcoming obstacles is pretty awesome, and works for them both. So maybe they've had this contingency plan for Kris, playing the American Wins curveball, longer than I thought. "No Boundaries" is a pretty flexible sentiment in any context for a show that is all about picking one pony and then acting fucking insane about it for twenty weeks.

And you know, it's not like this is really new. I realize even waiting for them to play the politics card is actually me being obsolete and looking for trouble that doesn't exist, because I had so many nightmares of Gokey for so long. But check it: I've been excited about the final two for years now, haven't you? The only difference between Archuleta/Jordin and Kris is that he wasn't constructed in a Beanie Baby factory, and the only difference between Cook/Blake and Adam is... I was going to say nail polish? But that would be precisely wrong. I feel like he's got something happening the other two don't, but I'll be damned if I can figure out what it is.

Adam's too close up on the mic, but the beat is pretty nice. The lyrics to these always starts a bit darker than you're expecting, I guess since Fantasia it's had to be that way: you have to start out pretty dark in order to end up in Rainbowland with the talking ponies and pots o' gold and whatever. But still, it's weird because you can't really know how much is you liking or hating the song until they both sing it, and this song has the advantage of being imminently singable by both of them, in terms of its tone and story. Adam's a little too big for the backup singers, and a little ahead of the band I think, so there's more crosstalk than necessary, which is bad news. And he's always going to have slightly more energy than songs like this are going to contain. However, in final analysis before we move on, I think he's going to end up doing a slightly better job.

Pain and hurricanes, eh? You know, it's been so long that I can't remember, but I'm willing to bet that time and accreted associations has made "A Moment Like This" a much more palatable song than I may have thought at the time. When I think about coronation songs, that's the only one I respect, but it's entirely probable that I also found it totally queer at the time.

Randy says it's "a little pitchy," which it was, and Kara says she's both moved and proud to have had Adam do such an amazing thing with something she wrote. She thanks him sweetly for such a proud moment at the end of the season, and he's suitable moved by such a powerful statement, then professionally thanks her for giving him such a song to work with. Paula, adjectives fail her. She's got fake tan/bubblegum lipstick, giving her that deranged look Janeane Garofalo used to effect. Who knows what she's saying? I can't even pay attention to her now that I've noticed the homeless Miami makeup job.

Simon makes fun of the lyrics, and Kara is beyond gracious about that, but reminds himself to judge the singer, not the song. He then completely forgets to do so, and gives a little narrative about how amazing Adam is, and how original and wonderful Adam has been from start to finish. He says that the whole point of the show is, for him, about finding a worldwide star, and says he genuinely believes with all his heart that Adam is it. Not a word about the performance, tellingly, but then he has no idea what Kris is going to do to the song.

Ryan asks him some question I don't even know, because Ryan! You are touching the talent too much! Even Adam is like, "Dude?" But the secret key is that this isn't a boy/boy thing with Ryan, it's just that he's attracted to gravity and loves attention, so the fact that Adam has the eyes of America on him right now, and the energy of the whole theatre is so Adam-directed, that he's like a moth to a flame. He totally has Utilization Behavior! It's what makes the concept of Drunk Ryan seem a little scary, but mostly it's what makes him so excellent at his job: he knows where the gravity is located. If we were at the Louvre he would have to keep himself from grabbing and snatching at the art. One piece of sushi left, he's going to stare at it until somebody eats it. You know? He's done this with other contestants too, the pawing, but usually it's girls who crawl all over him in return, or Bices that get all jumpy about it.

So Ryan very seriously tells Adam that he is a class act, which he truly is, and then gazes at him delightedly. Aww, Ryan loves him! I love how he's not even trying to be impartial. Ryan, you are a class act. Then he gazes at Adam for awhile, and Adam's like this nervous bird staring around at everything, and then Ryan grabs him! Again! Because he looooves him! He's like at a birthday party when they bring out the bunny and all the kids stare unmoving at the bunny, like little feral statues with fingers atwitch, because they have to touch the bunny. It's like Ryan Reynolds. I think Adam should win just for putting up with it.

Kris's "No Boundaries" seems to have a more dramatic mix, and he starts out stronger than Adam in the first few lines. I was thinking about how, after Cook won over Archuleta I was sort of flummoxed because I had a certain amount of beliefs taken away at that point, but sending Gokey out over Kris has demolished them further. I thought we could depend on that. So now I don't know. I want Adam to win, but Kris is my favorite. So it seems to me that Kris will win, because it's not brains that win this fight, but I think Adam brings in people who don't watch this show, and they might vote out of nowhere.

I do not care for this song, fellas. But when you're writing for accessibility you're going to lose some people. Specifically interesting, awesome people, I guess is what I'm trying to say, heh. But honestly, is there a person on earth that is going to hear this song and say, "Yes. This is the best song I've ever heard. You have found it." No. Especially with Kris... Sort of fucking up. In about six different places it's messed up. It's possibly a more interesting and beautiful performance than Adam's, but still. I wonder how much of that has to do with the natural smoothness of his tone, like, the imperfections are a lot more noticeable I think, and plus he's not going to improvise a harmonic or some other balancing math to cover it up, like Adam does. I'd say at the end of the song they're about evenly matched. Kris's was prettier, which it already always is, but he lacks a certain maturity and bravado that means Adam gets away with more.

The judges note his vocal issues throughout, but immediately blame the system, and note that the song is better for his voice, but it was pitched too high. That's true, most of the fuckups were in the in-between blind spot place in his range. I wish I knew some words. Kara begs clemency for the song, noting it was set too high, and calls him a compelling artist. She also nails the real reason he's awesome, which is how fun it's been going from Kris as a polished small-timer to something bigger. He's wearing a really cute outfit, this slouchy suit with an epauletted windbreaker instead of a sport jacket. Simon says the first song was his best of the three, but that he's become incredible to watch onstage.

And being naturally a very angry person, a person who will always choose fighting over any other activity, this gayest of all possible ideas has given me a lot of secret support over the years. What would that man do? Somebody's fucking with your life or trying to keep you quiet? Stab 'em. Somebody's going to hurt somebody you love? Kick his head in. But at the same time, if somebody honestly wants in, you have to submit to that and let them in, even if it's super scary and the thought makes you panic, you have to occasionally put your head in somebody's lap. I'm still learning to deal with that, with the idea of other people having the ability to be awesome and not let you down, and I think as a country, it's very hard to get that trust back, and actually believe in good intentions.

Especially when things are incredibly fucking rough like they are right now, it just makes sense to crawl back in the cave and growl until things are better -- which of course they never will be, until you pull it together and realize that acting like a man doesn't always mean acting. David Cook was good at this too: what you have here are two men who are adept at this, in a generation who are just showing their ability to really shine at it, without losing anything in the process: keeping the balance, without letting anybody push them onto one side or the other. And if that's the choice that America's handing us -- the choice between these two men who are soft, but manage to be anything but weak, and are the only two out of the whole Top Twelve you could say that about -- that's the best news I've heard in a long, long time.

And if you ever mention the unicorn thing again, I'll fuck your face up for you. See you tomorrow.