week: Hollywood! It's going to be awesome as usual!
But it turns out that "week" is not "today"! How sad. Instead, here's some more of the crap that you didn't even care to watch for the last three weeks, that even the show didn't find interesting enough to show you in the first place. It's gonna be loud, and it's gonna be stupid, and you're going to wish you hadn't watched it. This...is American Idol.
Lots of people auditioned in the country last summer. Sometimes it rained. Sometimes they had giant circus tits. Sometimes they were gender-estranged. And sometimes, just sometimes, they were mentally impaired. Meet Luke Reeder (26, Hollywood...Florida! Fakeout!), who is developmentally disabled, is wearing one of those baseball caps with the bushido flap in the back from the days of "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go," is obese, and additionally cannot sing. Isn't that hilarious? I love that we just started with that shit. Simon is depressed by all of this, and calls him "mad."
Then there's Victor Villegas (18, Grand Prairie TX), who is a person of interest because he, apparently, can't sing very well. Yes, you heard me right: sometimes, don't be afraid, but sometimes, people audition for this show American Idol, and occasionally it turns out that they are not quite suited, ideally, to be included in this particular kind of competition. He sings badly for awhile, and the judges are bored, and Simon's hairy chest, and Randy baa-ing like a sheep, and Paula drunk.
Meet Amy Davis (25, Lowell IN), who has a quite a body, a kinda rough story about a single mom with six kids, and a friendly voice. Her grandmother is Japanese, and she sings "Blue Bayou." Simon likes her, even though she gets reedy and weird a few times, but Randy and Simon agree that with less nerves and a little training, her potential could go crazy. They let her through, foot-long dangling earrings, and she thanks them and leaves. And that's the point that Paula informs her she is through.
Tiffany McCampbell (21, Anderson IN) is already the saddest thing I've ever seen before this shit even starts. She looks like one of the Jackson brothers, square jaw and tiny mouth; she's wearing a homemade church dress; and now she's dancing in slow motion to the music of God, and doing bizarre vocal warm-ups. She prays in front of other people, which weirds them out. She tells the judges that her voice came from God and they make fun of her. Intensely. She sings "Hallelujah," some song about magnifying Him that I've never heard, and they laugh at her and her ill-fitting outfit and her untrained, kind of awful voice. It goes on and on, forever, and it's insulting and disrespectful and gross, because it's clear that religion is all this girl has, and she's doing right by it, and that's neat. But I mean, is this a sign that we're not afraid of the evangelical right anymore? Because that shit would not have flown -- for anything! -- in the days of Clay and Ruben. It simply wouldn't have happened. Did all the copies of Left Behind and VeggieTales and Bridges Of Madison County get bought? Did all those people accidentally buy The DaVinci Code and become Satan worshippers? I'm very confused. If I went back to the theatre today, would The Golden Compass suddenly be sucking less? Is it possible we're not pandering anymore? Because I have been holding back. Just you wait, America.
Twins montage! And male/female loser couples... Wait up. Hold up, wait up. What I'm seeing is two hot Southern boys who are identical, and they're dating the same girl. Did my brain just explode? Did she do something really good for the world in a past life? Ashley explains -- and let me tell you that she is a catch, if you're at all a fan of the Heidis and Audrinas of the world, double if you love a dumb girl with a Southern accent -- that first, she met Chris and they went dancing, and then she started dating Corey behind his back, and then...somehow...they all worked it out. And now they're both auditioning for the show...and she's with them, and talking shit and playing them off each other, and they're dressed identically (Corey and Chris Lane, 22, Kernersville NC), and what I want to ask you is whether you even think it's possible to not get pictures in your head. Just in general, like for example, if you were told not to think of an elephant, and then I was like, "But it's not just one elephant, it's three hot blonde built elephants, in a big naked pile," like, could you somehow avoid thinking about the elephant or elephants. And the reason I want to ask you if that's possible is so that I can find out how to keep it from happening, because if I don't master this trick soon I will be arrested, because I am like the sickest person. And anyway they totally suck, one of them beatboxes poorly and the other one raps poorly about the effing Brittenums and it's not worth talking about anyway, so I just had self-loathing trauma for no reason. I hate this fucking show.
Then the girlfriend totally auditions! Life is so unfair and she's already so very lucky that probably she'll open her mouth and a tiny little Mariah Carey will pop out of her mouth like in Alien and sing opera and then Paula Abdul will buy her a car, and like a diamond or something. She gives Simon her fluffy puppy to play with -- because you know damn well anybody named Ashley that orders hot Teutonic Southern boyfriends in bulk carries a fucking tiny dog all over the place, and majored in Corporate Communications and will one day rule the world. I love how Legally Blonde came true and we were all alive to see it happen. Meet Ashley Lawing (19, Maiden NC), who sings "Red High Heels" or whatever the Pick is singing these days, and does a not-so-great job -- Simon calls it "excruciating...torture" -- and then much exclaiming redux about the dog, blah blah, I'm over it. Dogs don't belong in the same buildings where people eat. Outside, the hot twins are like, "We totally lied and told her she could sing. And if you cannot figure out why we decided to do this thing, you are stupider than all three of us put together."
Look at pretty, sweet, smart little Cardin Lee McKinney (20, Nashville TN)! She's so professional and cute and fun! She's totally one to watch, I can't wait to see how far she goes. She sings "One Night Only," apparently from Dreamgirls, in a pretty red dress. I think I just said the word "pretty" like eleven times. Oh crap, I can already feel it happening. She's totally going to do that thing that Kat McPhee did to me, where my brain is going to turn off and I'm just going to silently want to touch her hair until she goes away again. I'm not going to lie to you -- I haven't been watching Joe's nights, just reading the recaps. I only love the Hollywood round, you know that. But I haven't liked anybody this much all year of the people that I've seen. Simon's a no, Randy's a yes...
And Paula puts her through. Which either means Simon and I are getting a divorce, or he knew they were going to put her through, and he knew that they knew, and he knew that I knew that he knew that they knew, and I think Cardin probably knew at least as much as I knew, although possibly not as much as Simon knew, and that's why he said no before anybody else said anything, but I do think that he knew and that Randy and Paula knew that he knew and that's why they didn't fight him and just put her through, because this way, if she proves too theatrical or whatever, like he said, he can blame it on them. But you know what, on paper that looks really unlikely, actually. But Simon! Pretty! I think we all know that he knew at least that, which is 90% of the whole deal, and I'm going to leave it at that.
Jumper: If you had magical teleportation powers, where would you go? I'm torn between the Marvel Bullpen and John Varvatos East Hampton at about 11 PM when all the employees and security are gone. And that's...all there really is to me, apparently. Unless you could go back in time, which I'm not sure about because I haven't seen the movie, but if you could go back in time, I would totally want to meet Margaret Mead, or actually Nelly Bly because that's what I feel like whenever I recap this show.
So remember that there was a pageant queen, Lady Morgue's LARPing beef patch, and that awesome little Oklahoma kid I loved so much. Now, meet the beautiful plus-size model Joanne Borgella (25, Hoboken NJ), who sang the national anthem in Madison Square, and will now turn it out. Singing "I Love You," by Celine Dion. Maybe the reason this sucked so much this year is because they put all the people in this episode. Or in Joe's episode. Or maybe I'm just in a good mood today, I don't know what it is. Paula tells her she's "stunning," which she always says when she means "fat," but the girl is gorgeous, and again Randy and Paula put her through over Simon's quiet disinterest. Hooray! Joanne! Hooray Joanne's jumping family! Hooray Ryan's plaid shirt and...really intriguingly dorky dance moves.
Now: The Real Jacked-Up Teeth of Orange County. Who was that girl on Laguna Beach that was so new money even the girls of Laguna Beach knew there was something off? She had those five-foot platinum extensions and the huge veneers and the fake boobs and the orange tan? Well, minus the teeth and unnatural tan, and plus about fifty pounds of saddlebags, and you could be looking at Alesha Stelzl (18, Ontario CA, which is nowhere near the OC I do realize), who talks in baby stripper voice and is wearing a low-cut evening gown in the middle of the day. And sings some song nobody could ever possibly figure out, in an ear-splitting vibrating Chipette that could easily make a person vomit. Her vocal coach is Ron Harris, if you're taking notes. She swings her hair around like Cher and once Simon tells her how "absolutely dreadful" she is, you can see a glimmer of a soul, and it's kind of sad, and Randy and Paula bully her into going and learning a Dolly Parton song so she can embarrass herself some more. Neither Alesha nor her mother know any Dolly Parton songs, but you know who does? Ryan Seacrest, in his cute little sweater vest. He knows all of them. ...God. More. Alesha learns "Islands In The Stream" off YouTube, which is excellent. Ryan sings it with her a little bit, and sends her in, to sing in her shaky weird voice while her Wildensteinian mother listens at the door. And then, stupidly, Randy and Paula put her through. This is dumb as hell. Inside, even Simon can't believe that Paula was right about the similarity to Dolly's voice, and then Paula blabbers drunkenly in such a fucked-up way that Simon almost collapses from laughter. They're so tired, you guys.
See, now there's Brandi Gregorie (27, McClellanville SC), who you would think would get the Lady Morgue treatment because she's nerdy and a big girl and -- be honest -- because of the giant golden glittery cape she wears to her audition. And yet, I find her absolutely bewitching. She throws herself into it with abandon, never stops moving and hopping and dancing, and is generally happy with herself. Other ways she's different from Lady Morgue are: she is not an ass, she is not socially defunct, and she actually understands other people and that they matter and that they exist. Brandi, you rock. She sings some song about this man who is "extraordinary" and it sounds like the olden days, and she looks like Natalie Merchant's big sister, and Simon is creeped out by the cape-throwing striptease, and she's like, "That was a calculated risk." I love her.
No love for Charles Randy Leviner (17, Laurel Hill NC), who is like if crystal meth had a baby with the Insane Clown Posse in a trailer park. Scraggly devilish beard, long gross curly hair, ratty trashy little face, terrible teenager skin, and some kind of heavy metal t-shirt like for Korn or something, and he sings like, um, I can't think of anything okay to compare him too. I've heard people, mean-spirited and ugly-hearted people, imitate both the deaf and hearing-impaired, and people who suffered untreated or poorly treated cleft palates, with the voice that he is using. So perhaps it is a joke. Or perhaps he belongs to one of these groups. I can't offer another explanation.
up is the "wow factor" of Joshua Moreland (25, West Palm Beach FL), who has all of Kanye's confidence, and poorly apes Kanye's style and self-promotional compulsions, without managing to have any of Kanye's hotness, talent, or likeability. He is such a dork that he sings his own original song, dedicated to Paula Abdul and also every lady across the world. At the beginning of the second line, he pulls out a handful of motherfucking glitter and rose petals and tosses it in the air, and the last ear-piercing note is accompanied by a romantic drop to one knee. Simon calls it "corny," which is true, and "revolting," which is more true. Triple naughts. And oh, the drama of his broken heart is matched only by the awesomeness of Ryan asking, in all sincerity, "Why didn't they feel you?"
Then the asshole judges make Ryan sweep up the mess. Gross. Simon insults the staffer who takes over by telling her a woman shouldn't be doing it, and takes over from her...all the while telling her how patronizing Ryan was being by letting her do her job. I fucking hate when people do that so much, like, apologize to the cleaning lady or whatever. How fucking ignorant do you have to be to apologize to somebody about their life? "Sorry your job is so demeaning. I mean, I really feel bad about it. I'm trying to be real here, I'm sorry that I'm so much better than you." I also hate when Simon insults Ryan's job, because making Ryan sweep up glitter is a whole lot like insulting him as a man, like as a person qua him, the Ryan that goes home at night, and I don't think it's professional and I don't think it is good. I don't think any of us will ever be able to accurately gauge their very fucked-up relationship in reality, but that is tacky. Then a montage of Simon not knowing where he is, not being able to pronounce names, Paula is a drunkard, forever and ever, whatever.
All of which introduces Chikezie Eze (22, Inglewood CA), who sings a song by Luther Vandross and has a nice voice with a sometimes iffy relationship to the notes themselves, but he's got power and control and a nice high register, so the judges just let him go for awhile, even though he's obviously through -- until he refuses to stop when Simon asks him to. Which earns him enmity and an accusation of being uninteresting, which causes him to get snotty and start kissing Paula's ass in about five milliseconds. What a theatre kid! He went from likeable to drama queen really fast, didn't he? I can't wait to hear him tell us all about every single thing that happens to him and what it means, and I can't wait for him to crash and burn in Hollywood when he pulls that shit on the rest of his team. Watch.
The flamboyantly fabulous Danny Noriega (17, Azusa CA) was eliminated last year, when he was I guess a fetus. He has very nice teeth and bears a...striking resemblance to Lisa Stansfield circa 1990. Because gay is the new bumpkin, he will be singing "Proud Mary." And does he keep on burning? Yes, yes he does. And is it kind of hard to watch in that way that only a gay teenager singing soul diva songs in front of his mirror is hard to watch? Yes it is. But he's got a lot of force, a really nice tone, and those teeth. They talk about the Aiken-esque surprise of that voice coming out of his tiny little baby-bird-boned body. The judges love him. I love him too. Did you know that Menudo is back? I saw them in the Thanksgiving Parade.
"The auditions finally come to an end," Ryan says, like he's talking directly to us, and then there's a montage of video footage of roads and this song about roads, and then clips of a bunch of people, including the virgin and Ryan lying about kissing girls, and that scary goblin girl, and the orange gay rocker, and the giant fan, and that guy getting escorted out, and Moses, and "No Sex Allowed," and fucking Lady Morgue, and "I Am Your Brother," and that kid in the sweater with the mohawk, and the fingernails, and the arm-wrestling, and it's all very nostalgic, or it would be if anybody had cared in the first place, but nobody did. Everything up until Hollywood is just a Smiths song anyway. So when they sing "Here comes the rest of our lives," I'm not imagining what it would be like to be a high school senior: I'm going to be thinking about the Season Seven auditions of American Idol, and how boring and ultimately unrevealing they were.
Hollywood, Ryan says, comes down to one word: "Intense." Man, I hope so. They'll go from some number of people down to the Top 24. Paula will fight with somebody, Simon will get pissed, the people will freak out, somebody plays a guitar, a girl falls down, there are pianos and stuff, Chikezie seems to be doing well, Simon and Paula get into a knife fight, one of the kids smuggles in some Ecstasy, thirteen people die in a freak tourboat accident, a little boy cries, and all the people who don't make it into the Top 24 are, the intensity of the ads would have you believe, not going to survive the experience. Finally, there's something at stake! Bring it on!