Three performers, three songs each, three hometown visits, three judges, one Seacrest, and no Clive Davis this year, and the fact that I'm kind of let down by that last one is troubling indeed. Performance #1: Judges' Choice. Simon chooses "Wishing On A Star" for Jordin, and she performs it while wearing a nightie. I don't know the song from Adam, but there's apparently a discrepancy between the version Jordin performs and the version Simon likes, and this results in some very uncomfortable "banter" between the two of them. It's part of a general trend of Jordin's nervous babbling backfiring on her that will last throughout the evening. Paula chooses for Blake, of course, and it's "Roxanne," which is a cool song and all but not one you can do a whole lot with if you're in a talent competition like this. Blake's great, don't get me wrong, but he's not bringing anything to it. Simon agrees with me and gets yelled at by the mob for doing so. The Governor of Tennessee reads a fax from "Randy Johnson" (hee) telling Melinda to sing "I Believe In You And Me." A more boring Whitney song could not be found, apparently, but this isn't about a song. This is about clearing that imaginary bar that Randy always sets about never attempting Whitney or Mariah. Melinda clears it with ease, as you figured she would, and Simon gives the imaginary "first round" to her.
Performance #2: "Producer's Choice." Formerly "Clive Davis's Songs From The Crypt." Jordin is given Donna Summer's "She Works Hard For The Money," and she performs it in a technically proficient, if low-energy, fashion, though part of that might be due to how she's wearing giant heels and is afraid to bend her legs, lest she fall over like the Redwood she is. Paula's drunk off her ass, by the way, and everybody knows it and laughs at her repeatedly, all night. Blake sings the impeccably chosen "This Love" by Maroon 5 and is all bedroom eyes as he once again electric slides all over the stage. Melinda gets Tina Turner's "Nutbush City Limits," which would probably be the last Ike and Tina song I'd have chosen for her, but Uncle Nigel must know something, because Melinda's phenomenal and the judges flip for her.
Performance #3: Contestant's Choice. Melinda and Jordin both opt for songs they're previously rocked, while Blake tries something new. Which is indicative of how this whole competition has been, I suppose, but I don't care about Blake enough to write that particular essay. Jordin calls "I, Who Have Nothing" back into service, which is smart considering it's still her best performance. It's probably a smidgen less impressive tonight, absent the "Holy crap, can she make that note? ...She can!" factor, but overall it's still a winner. Once again, Jordin's mouth gets her into some awkwardness with Simon, and I choose to blame Ryan Seacrest for all of it, believe it or not. Back in Seattle, Blake and Sir Mix-A-Lot put it down and performed the mother of all shout-outs to Blake's magical ass, before Blake returns to L.A. to perform the only Robin Thicke song I'll ever enjoy, "When I Get You Alone." Once again, a brilliant song choice, and a great performance to match it. Everyone's so good tonight! But then: Melinda brings back "I'm A Woman," and you know how much I loved that the first time around. But Melinda never really connects with it tonight, and the performance suffers a great deal as a result. It's not just the flubbing of some of the words -- she does -- or the dowdy pantsuit; it's not there in her eyes, and I can count on one finger how many times that's happened to her before. The judges don't seem to notice, and I hope to God the voters are too entrenched to care. Simon signs us off by begging us to put Melinda into the final 2 with one of the others, he doesn't really care which. For God's sake, America, give him what he wants. After all that Taylor Hicks nonsense, the man deserves a break.
Previously on American Idol: the last time I recapped this show, we'd just gotten rid of Sanjaya. Sanjaya! Wasn't he on the same season as McKibbin and Jasmine Trias? Anyway, the best Top 6 ever got to stick around for two weeks, before getting whittled down to the best Top 4 ever, and now the best Top 3 ever. I like 'em all, so I'll apologize ahead of time for not calling anyone a stupid, spoiled whore or wailing about how I'll never watch this show again. As we see Melinda, Blake, and Jordin at their makeup tables backstage, Ryan Seacrest reminds us that this is the week where they get to visit their hometowns, and I'm sure that will be as tedious as ever. See? I can be bitchy about some things!
Ryan reminds us about the OCD's paradise that is Top 3 week: three contestants singing three songs apiece, with three phone lines per contestant should you wish to vote, and finally three judges who will try and fail to make sense of it all. Simon's aggressively rubbing Paula's back as they're introduced, no doubt in an attempt to get the alcohol to make its way through her bloodstream quicker. Yes, old-school Paula is back this week, as we'll be sadly reminded at every turn. Ryan tells us that the contestants will be singing one judges-chosen song, one chosen by the "producers" (Clive Davis being unable to leave his hyperbaric chamber long enough to pick for himself), and then the final song will be the respective contestant's "favorite song." Whatever that means. The mere fact that Blake doesn't sing a 311 cover of a Mighty Mighty Bosstones song tells us that's probably not an entirely true statement.
First up is Jordin, who we see in Glendale as the mayor fakely receives a fake fax from fake Simon instructing Jordin that her Judge's Choice song will be "Wishing On A Star" by Rose Royce. Jordin isn't really very convincing with her wide-eyed, overly animated "a fax from Simon??" reactions, but then again, neither am I. We're thankfully spirited away from Glendale for the time being and onto the stage, where Jordin meets us with her hair all curly and fabulous. The empire-waisted little number she's got on looks more "nightie" than "dress" on her seven-foot-three frame, but otherwise she's every bit the glamazon she always is. I'm not sure I've ever heard this song before, but I like what Jordin's doing with it. The jazzy arrangement suits her -- I don't think we've seen her perform in this laid-back/cool style since probably "Give Me One Reason" back in the first week of semi-finals. I don't remember being too impressed by this performance on first glance, and even now my socks remain resolutely un-knocked-off, but it's really a very solid rendition. The best Jordin performances manage to both showcase her youth and also make her seem beyond her years, if that makes sense. This performance does that.
Randy says this is the time of year when he's on the lookout for who's "in it to win it." See, this is why Randy Jackson's a judge and you're not. Would you have thought to be looking for who's in it to win it at Final 3? I didn't think so. He says he saw a little Beyoncé in there at the end, which...I didn't, but I can see where, if you're talking about how mature-for-her-age Jordin seems onstage, that's probably the reference you're going to make. Doesn't Beyoncé already seem about thirty-five? Wise in the ways of love and loss and packing a box for a cheatin' man? I don't see that in Jordin, by a long shot, but she has her moments. Paula marvels at how Simon picked a good song for her, like he doesn't pick perfectly every year, and Jordin pretty sincerely thanks him for doing so. I know she's supposed to be this season's Kat McPhee, all precocious and bubbly and unforgivably pretty, but I never saw that as a negative in Katharine either. She's seventeen, she was raised right, and she's cheerful, friendly, polite to the judges, remarkably pretty, and obviously well-liked by America. That bitch.
Simon starts off saying she sang the song brilliantly, but he just wishes she'd opted to sing the original version of the song rather than the "weird jazz arrangement" she chose. Simon knows how weird this is going to sound, and he owns right up to it: even though he chose the song and liked the performance, it wasn't her best. That's fantastic. Only on this show, and only with Simon Cowell, could we see that kind of critique. He's not mean about it, he's not trying to be a dick -- he was expecting a different performance than he got, and he's disappointed. Jordin cocks her head to the side, trying to figure out how she just got slammed for song choice by the man who chose the damn song. She starts to backtalk a few times, but she can't quite summon the words yet, which is good, because it allows Ryan to make the save. Better to let Ryan fall on this particular grenade anyway. Ryan's like, "You didn't like your own song choice. That's a new one." Simon clarifies that it was the arrangement that offended him, and then Jordin can't quite keep her mouth shut and babbles about how she'd never heard the song before, in any damn arrangement, and she was like "eh?" when she was assigned it, but "it's a great song, so thank you." Simon is like, "...You're welcome?" That was very Natasha of Jordin, all "I take your criticisms and turn it to flowers in my crazy Russian brain, so for your statements as I am poochy in the lips I say thank you and am glad you are my fans!" So since nobody is currently making any sense at all, Ryan just reads the numbers. Jordin makes finger signs for each of her three phone lines, and the sticks out her tongue at the end which is, what, a signal to her brother or something, right? And then she makes a heart with her hands, which is to her parents, I think. Again: what a bitch. I wish she were ugly and poor so I could root for her.
After the break, Seacrest kicks it to Bothell, WA, where the "very young-looking Mayor Lamb" is reading Blake's message from Paula. And indeed, Mayor Lamb looks far too young to be mayor, but more importantly, it's nice to see Ryan scoping out the talent outside of L.A. for a change. Anyway, Mayor Lamb tells Blake and his low-flow hair that Paula has chosen The Police's "Roxanne." Blake is also very bad at acting surprised as he plays up to the hometown crowd. And then we're back on stage, where Blake stands in the middle of a terribly literal red spotlight. Get it? Because of the words in the song? It's a great song, of course, and everybody loves it for a reason. That being said, it's not really working for Blake here, at least not as well as you'd hope. This is either Paula's fault for choosing a song that is essentially the same line, over and over, with little room to show off your voice, or else it's Blake's fault for doing absolutely nothing different or interesting with the song besides give an incredibly attractive Sting impersonation. At this stage in the game, you either have to give an incredibly impressive vocal (of which Blake isn't really capable, not that that's the point of Blake in the slightest) or do something new that we haven't seen or heard before, which is how Blake got here in the first place. This performance fails both those tests, despite being a very good karaoke performance. This is his "Imagine" performance with even more literal lighting cues.
Blake ends the performance by sliding on his knees to the front of the stage, then whipping the mic stand around so fast that the mic goes flying off onto the floor by the judges. I like that -- it gives the illusion that something really cool just went down. Blake's parents cheer from the audience, looking extremely touristy, like they have maps to the stars' homes in their pockets. Randy was entirely fooled by the mic-stand thing and he calls it a "great performance" despite some pitchiness. Paula seal-claps and says Blake did her proud. Simon says he's not going to call the performance "earth-shattering," because he has eyes and ears and can see that it wasn't. He says the problem is that "Roxanne" doesn't leave you a whole lot of room to do anything but give a Sting impersonation, and Blake wasn't as good as Sting. The people in the audience must really hate Sting, or else they have absolutely no grip on things like the subjects and predicates and independent clauses of sentences, because they start booing. That wasn't even a criticism of Blake, you stupid asses! If anything, it was a slam on Paula's song choice. "You can't say it was fantastic!" Simon yells at the braying morons behind him. "Yes they can!" yells the braying moron to his right. To clarify: the braying lady moron to his right. Randy tries to explain the concept of subjectivity to Simon, but it's lost in the music as Ryan takes the stage. He goes for the cheap applause by saying this is "one of the best crowds of the season," but he's smiling like a 100-watt bulb at Simon, so we know this is just part of The Dance between them. Speaking of 100-watt bulbs, something's got Blake smiling up a storm, and it's a good look on him. Also looking good on him: Ryan's hands as he reads the phone numbers. Down, boy.
Ryan then kicks us to Melinda's video package, which sees her in the offices of the governor of Tennessee. Gov. Bredesen reads the fax from Randy Jackson. Or at least the writer who was tasked with approximating how Randy Jackson might make his song request: "Check it out, I picked a hot one for Melinda to sing this week. It's from one of the best singers in the known world, and I've worked with her before. Please tell Melinda she'll be singing Whitney Houston's 'I Believe In You And Me.'" Yeah, that hits just about all the highlights. It's too bad it couldn't have begun with "Governor, governor, governor," but otherwise: well done, flunky who writes Randy's copy. The governor then reads the signature: "Rock on, Randy Johnson." Melinda starts laughing, and the governor looks back at the fax and corrects himself: "Jackson." The first time I saw this, I didn't catch the governor making the mistake, so I thought when Melinda looked into the camera and thanked "Randy Johnson," she was having a senior moment, or maybe I was gonna have to call the Gayles for an emergency intervention. But no, it's just another example of Melinda acting all funny and cool. She's the best.
"I Believe In You And Me" is a powerfully boring song. It's the one from that movie she made where Denzel's the angel, but I can never tell it apart from that one she sang with Mariah Carey. And, look, I'm no great Whitney Houston fan or anything, beyond her usefulness as a punch line every now and again, but there are a good half dozen Whitney songs I'd rather hear Melinda sing right now, even if I can't name them off the top of my head ("Didn't We Almost Have It All," "One Moment In Time," "Where Do Broken Hearts Go," "My Love Is Your Love"...okay, maybe only four songs. Damn you, Houston!). ["One Moment In Time? NERD!" -- Miss Alli] But, as I said in the recaplet, that's not the point here. This is a clearing or a hurdle that's been seasons in the making. Every time some unsuspecting semi-finalist tried to cover Whitney or Mariah or Celine and ran head-on into a hail of bullets, Randy Jackson has held firm: "Do not take these women on. You will lose." And now here's Melinda: maybe the best pure singer this show has ever had. We already know she's up to the task of a Whitney song, but Randy wants it out there and on the record. What's happening right now is akin to Michael Jordan matching a three-point shot in a game of "H-O-R-S-E." Pretty to watch, but there wasn't much doubt she was going to hit it.
Randy respectfully asks us all to "check it out." He hilariously talks about throwing Melinda a challenge (Melinda sings that song in her sleep) before breaking out two of the clichés Gov. Bredesen didn't read: "You blew it out the box! That was hot!" Melinda's grandmother and some lady in a pink flowy satin robe freak out and applaud. Is that Melinda's mom? She's dressed like the madam for Mary Kay's Escort Service. Paula calls it one of Melinda's best performances this season. False. She's given a good half dozen better than that, even if I can't name them off the top of my head ("My Funny Valentine," "Home," "I'm A Woman," "Have A Nice Day," "I've Got Rhythm," "Trouble Is A Woman" -- ha! I got all of 'em!). Simon reins Paula's statement in a bit, calling it her best performance in the last four weeks. I disagree, but when you weight Whitney v. Bon Jovi in Simon's mind, it's understandable. "Round one goes to Melinda," he says, returning to an old standby, even though he'll forget about it in rounds 2 and 3. Melinda and her gorgeous extensions (thank GOD that haircut got reconsidered, by the way) smile like crazy as Ryan walks out. They talk a bit about Randy's no-Whitneys policy, and Ryan's on such a Melinda high right now that he breaks out his Randy Jackson impersonation: he gets all animated, like he might be coked out, saying "You wanted her to accept the challenge, step up, and deliver, and Yo-yo-yo, she did-did-did!" Ryan! That was adorable! Randy plays along: "She blew it out the box! Out the box!" Ryan: "Yeah-yeah-yeah!" Man, coked-out excitable Ryan is awesome. Simon, of course, asks him if he's drunk. "Am I drunk?" asks Ryan, and in the most hilarious moment ever, every single one of them turns to look at 120-Proof Abdul there. Ha! Everyone's in such a good mood tonight, this is nice. They no longer remind me of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre family, only with hair product instead of human skin.
Back from the commercial, Ryan and Jordin are seated by the product placement monitors. She looks fabulous in a strappy blue halter top thingie over jeans. Her viewer question asks what her favorite song of all time is. Jordin's answer: "Mmmbop" by Hanson. Immediately, I am shocked. Jordin and I are through! Then she reminds a similarly scandalized audience that she is, in fact, seventeen, and some quick mental math tells me that means she was about eight years old when that record became popular. So she gets a pass, even though seventeen is about the time when you should be vehemently opposed to the music you liked at eight. Kitsch nostalgia shouldn't really kick in until college. Hanson. I mean, really. Ryan, of course, starts singing it, because sometimes he needs to be the all-singing all-dancing crap of this show. He tells us he's got the CD in the car, then he tells Jordin that the producers have selected Donna Summer's "She Works Hard For The Money" for her. This is a good song -- for her or for anyone on this show. Recognizable, fun, and leaves room for the vocals to impress. Jordin does a good job on it, for the most part, but there's a serious lack of energy going on. I blame the shoes. No, really. She's wearing these incredibly spiky platform heels, which I initially applauded, because it's cool when a tall girl doesn't worry about wearing heels, regardless of whether Blake or Ryan will look like a hobbit to her. But Jordin can't move at all in these shoes. She carefully struts her way to the middle of the stage and plants herself, then carefully struts on over to the other side of the stage. That's the entirety of the "choreography" here. Oh, except for the once or twice where the careful strutting gives way to awkward clomping, like Jordin's wearing a back brace and is also very angry. The singing is on-point, but it's very much like those old LaKisha performances that annoyed me: treading water until the big note at the end. I'm not a fan of that.
Randy Jackson gets very "whatever" as the season goes on. Everybody's great, doesn't matter what they sing, it's all good. He tells Jordin essentially this. Paula, getting drunker, tells Jordin that she did indeed work hard for the money tonight. Is she...did she just call Jordin a stripper? Inappropriate, Paula! Simon's laughing his ass off at dumb that sounds, and now Paula's got the giggles too. It sounds like Simon dared her to say that. They've totally had sex before, come on. That's my eternal debate -- have Simon and Paula ever done it before, and by now I've decided that they have. And have regretted it every day since. Again, Simon says he found the arrangement "a little old-fashioned" (huh? The '80s qualifies as "old-fashioned" now?) but the "money note at the end" was great. The judges are officially giggling more than Jordin is at this point, and I guess "punch-drunk" looks better on them than "bitter and ready for the season to be over" at this late stage of the game, so kudos to them. Ryan takes the stage as Randy asks if they can get some black coffee to the judges' table. He's only half kidding.
Then, without even going to a commercial break or anything, the hardest-working Mystic Tan in showbiz darts across the stage to where Blake is already seated by the product placement monitors. By the way, you can see Jordin clomping off stage, and I feel like I need Demian here to properly convey just how funny she looks. Anyway: Blake, who's wearing a blindingly bright hoodie. He could seriously be in a Clorox commercial with that thing. Ryan reads the viewer question: if they were to make a movie about Blake's life, what would they call it and who would play your part? Blake, it should be noted, is very nervous and fidgety all this week, so here, he's swiveling in his chair like crazy and flashing that million-dollar smile like it's a deflector shield, which it is this week. He says Jim Carrey would play him, because he apparently still thinks of himself as an improv comedy genius. Ryan's like, "Because you're so tall?" because Ryan is hung up on height for some reason I can't quite put my finger on. Blake's like, "Yes, because I'm so tall and gangly!" They giggle like girlfriends for a moment before Blake lays some serious lameness on us: the title of his movie would be "Organized Chaos." Oh, Blake. You do seem to see yourself as something far more edgy than you are, don't you? The producers have decided Blake should sing Maroon 5's "This Love," which is actually an excellent choice for him. Modern but mainstream, sexy but non-threatening, unusual for the show but not for Blake. Well done, Uncle Nigel. ["See, I thought this was a horrible choice for him, because it made him seem pedestrian and dull, instead of super-neato." -- Miss Alli]
So, okay, now that it's been pointed out to me, I can't look at Blake singing without making note of the fact that his mouth looks super weird. There's, like, a droop to the left side of it -- not like Ventimiglia or anything, but noticeable -- and you kind of can't see his teeth at all. It's cute, but weird. Anyway, that's about as negative as I can get -- Blake's awesome here. This is a song where he manages to make his vocals sound more pleasing than the original, which is a tremendous advantage, of course. He uses the vocal entendres sparingly, but to good effect. And he really goes to town with that one dance move he has. That would be the only dance move he has. You know, that quasi-robot slide-to-the-right thing? He's working that like the rent's due and the landlord wants to be paid in Electric Slide. He manages to sneak the "stick in my fingertips to every inch of you" line past the censors. Hey, VH1 never let us hear it. Speaking of which, you think Blake's blindingly white coat is an homage to Adam Levine's blindingly white flesh that was on display throughout this music video? After that whole "Organized Chaos" thing, I'm starting to have my doubts about Blake's cleverness.
Randy tells Blake that when he does end up putting out an album -- because it's beyond obvious that everyone in the Top 6 is getting an album deal this year -- this is the kind of album he should be putting out. He's more right than he knows, because the first way in which Blake needs to put out an album like Maroon 5 is to actually be in a band rather than a solo act. Blake's talents lie beyond mere vocals; he's a musician, a producer. A teeny(er) Neptunes. Winning this show would be terrible for him, because that means a solo album, produced by the same gaggle of idiots that brought you Taylor's album, and Ruben's album. Blake needs to not win, first of all, and then form some sort of band, even if it's a Trent Reznor style "the band is me and whoever else I let in the studio today" thing. So yes, Blake, this is the kind of music you should be making. And that music is called "shit you can at least kind of control, provided you don't win this show like a moron." Am I saying it's time for Blake to trump up a scandal and Mario Vasquez his way out of this competition, pronto? Yes I am. Paula says she was hoping Blake would sing some Maroon 5, and that he was "in [his] element." Simon says he liked this performance better, as it didn't sound like he was performing in an Adam Levine tribute band. Blake and Ryan giggle over how hard it is for Simon to deliver compliments, and then Blake marvels at the mouthful Ryan has to say when delivering three phone numbers at once. Aw. Ryan's found someone who appreciates what he does, finally. Maybe that scandal won't be too hard for Blake to find after all.
After the break, Ryan and Melinda are by the product placement monitors (I love how the area of the stage dedicated to crass consumerism has been the exclusive province of the Producer's Choice songs), and Melinda's viewer question asks who her idol was when she was a kid. Melinda names her "mommy," because "that's my girl." As she describes their very close relationship, I start to wonder if I could convince The CW to take a chance on a show about a mom and daughter who are best friends. The daughter's almost unrealistically polite and humble and sweet in this one, too. Ryan needles Melinda about dissing Grandma and then tells her she'll be singing Ike and Tina's "Nutbush City Limits." On the surface, I didn't think this was all that great of a choice, but clearly I was thinking crazy. For one thing, she had to sing Tina, because of all the comparisons in the last few weeks. For another, the greatest thing about Melinda is that she can sing anything. Anything! If there are limitations as to what her voice can do, we've yet to see them. The worst thing about Melinda is that, given the fact that she can sing anything, she doesn't go far enough in her song choices. Every single week she should have chosen the absolute most outlandish song that week's theme could handle and absolutely rocked it. So the fact that her Tina song isn't the usual "Proud Mary" or "What's Love Got To Do With It" -- it's exactly what I'm talking about. This is the Melinda I wish we'd seen on Latin night and Gwen night and Frigging Peter Noone night. This is Rock Star Melinda.
For starters, Rock Star Melinda has her Rock Star Extensions pulled back all haphazardly, like she didn't have time to style it and yet it still looks fabulous. And she's wearing this busily patterned dress, all purples and greens, over a pair of jeans, and it shouldn't work nearly as well as it does. This is maybe the best she's looked all season, with the possible exception of her Funny Valentine Power Suit. ...Sorry, I'm supposed to be recapping the performance, but I keep just watching it and not typing. She's just so good. I'm almost angry at her that it took this long, and this dumb-ass show, for her to get herself to the center of a stage. I have to say, too, she's not just all voice and no charisma, and I hate that her Idol obit had adopted that party line. The way she moves around the stage, wielding the mic stand like she's Robert Plant, glaring out to the audience through her eyebrows, tossing a glace or two back to her girls doing backing vocals. She has a remarkable sense of the stage and the cameras and where she needs to be and when. The only person in the building who hits their marks as well is Ryan Seacrest, okay? That's the level of polish and professionalism we're looking at here, only it's not in service to something soulless (sorry, Ryan). Knowing what we know now, I feel like writing a letter to the recording industry, begging them to let her make an album full of stuff like this: Tina Turner and Bon Jovi and anything else with some balls behind it. We haven't had a Tina in so long -- we could really use one.
Randy essentially says the same thing -- please put out this kind of a record -- but he leads with "Once again, a great Melinda performance," which is annoying. This wasn't one of Melinda's "once again" performances. This was one of the "holy shit" ones. Paula says the same thing, though: "What can we say? We love you!" I don't think the judges had an agenda here -- in fact I think it's a more compelling finale with Melinda there -- but they really dropped the ball and made Melinda's performance seem far more run-of-the-mill than it was. Even Simon says it's "again, another brilliant performance." Nothing but complimentary, sure, but with a side of "same old, same old." If Simon really wanted Melinda in the finals like he says he did, this is where he could have given her a little help. Ryan takes the stage and asks, "Who takes that round?" This was definitely off-the-cuff, and judges prove once and for all that they are lost without their script, because they're all, "Ehh?" Randy at least gives it to Melinda confidently, while Paula smiles and goes to her happy place so she doesn't have to go out on a limb. Simon, unusually pussified, says it's "a tie." Between who, he doesn't say. You'd assume he means Blake and Melinda. Or, I guess, all three? I think Simon, having to think on his feet as to whether saying Melinda won rounds one and two would be good or bad for her, panicked and bailed. I mean, come on, Cowell. You're better than "a tie."
A word before we head to the commercial break: Ryan tells us that Jordin and Blake are due to sing "their favorite songs." Now. Historically, this round of songs has been "contestant's choice," and the difference between those two things may seem mere semantics. However, given that both Jordin and Melinda ultimately choose songs they've sung before, I have to wonder if this round wasn't originally supposed to be "favorite songs you've sung this season," but Blake balked at it, for whatever reason. Because if these are supposed to be their actual favorite songs, Jordin would be singing "Mmmmbop," as she just admitted to us, and Blake would (as I said) sing some awful 311 song, and Melinda would pull a Mandisa and take us all to right-wing conservative church. Okay, hopefully not that last one. But I mean...at some point along the line, the idea of picking a song from earlier this season was introduced, and my guess is it wasn't introduced by Melinda or Jordin. Maybe Blake became just so enamored with Robin Thicke that he simply had to perform one of his songs. But what could have made him so focused on Robin Thicke? Again, maybe that scandal won't be so hard for Blake to find after all. ["I figured they were told they had a choice between one they've sung before or a new one, and Jordin and Melinda chose the safe route of previously well-received songs, while Blake chose to risk a new one. Too simple?" -- Miss Alli]
Randy's like, "That's the Robin Thicke song, right?" Showing off his keen observation skills and how he was listening when Ryan said it was a Robin Thicke song. Randy hedges, saying it was "cool," but he liked the Maroon 5 thing more. If Randy can explain how the Maroon 5 thing and the Robin Thicke thing are substantially different, I will stop sending him a thesaurus every month like I've been doing. Blake, too, is puzzled by this reasoning. He could use a critique that makes sense, so lucky for him, Paula is . Actually, Paula's all right, talking about how all three songs he performed tonight painted a pretty good picture of what he is as an artist. Simon's like, "Yeah, in your pants, maybe." No, actually Simon really liked the performance. Audience: "Yay! Simon! We heckle you constantly but we also are desperate for your approval!" Blake gives an annoying little "Wow!" like Simon is usually so mean to him or something. Look, Simon likes Blake just fine -- more than you realize, considering Blake is the exact opposite of what he thinks can make some money. To wit, Simon says he's reminded of exactly why he likes Blake: he takes risks and he isn't boring. Eh. The vocal entendres stopped being risky once he realized they weren't gonna cost him votes, and while he's easily among my favorite five contestants this season, he hasn't been immune from being boring. But I get what Simon's saying: "You sing strange songs I've never heard of and never seem to get voted off. Gotta respect that." He also says Blake seems like he's having a good time up there. Blake: "I'm having a blast!" Boy, does that seem like the God's honest truth. Too good of a time if he hasn't yet realized that it's time to tank! Avoid that contract at all costs!
Commercials, and then: Melinda! One last more time! Ryan's up in the production tower -- which is cool, because now we got to see Ryan's visit home too! He was born in the director's booth of a traveling show; his momma used to dance for the stage directions they'd throw. Ryan tells us Melinda will be reprising "I'm A Woman," from way back in Top 16 week, but first it's another trip back home. The streets are lines with Melinda supporters, and she's crying in her car. Someone unveils a street sign that says "Melinda Doolittle Way." Well, great, now everybody who got the Mapquest directions for Maple Street is going to be well and fucked. Happy, Melinda? The ickier implications of the "Melinda Doolittle Way" get featured more prominently on the results show, so let's just hold off on that for right now.
So let's break this down. The song choice: "I'm A Woman." One of her strongest performances this season, and the one where we first started to see her with a little attitude onstage. A+. The wardrobe: Washed-out beige/gray Sunday pantsuit with the jacket slung over her shoulder. Appropriate for librarian job interviews and brunch with the book club. Should I lay the blame for this at The Gayles' feet? I know the show has a fleet of functionally retarded hair and wardrobe people that do this kind of thing for Melinda, but after that haircut fiasco, I just figured the Gayles threw down some executive privilege and took things into their own hands. C-. The performance: Well, to start with, Melinda bungles the second line so completely that it sounds like something the lady co-host on Dancing With The Stars might do. Like she's inventing her own new language. The transcript goes like this: "Hrshwaydledaydlewarshwayduwashwud from one to nine." Oh, Melinda. To her credit, she gets right back on the horse and doesn't miss a beat. Vocally, at least. But one look into her eyes tells you she's lost the plot, big time. I'm not sure if it was the flubbed line or what, but she has flipped into automatic pilot, for sure. It sounds like a fanwank, but this is just one more example of how she's not just a voice. The voice stays on point throughout. But without the showmanship or emotion or...whatever, chutzpah...that Melinda thing that she does...the Yo Factor! That's what it is! Thank you, Randy Jackson. I hereby take it all back. When the Yo Factor is missing, like it is right here, it's just not the same. Not in the ballpark. She tries her best -- strutting over to the backup singers and letting her soul sisters get a little time to shine -- and it's still better than 90% of the crap this show usually produces, but still. We noticed. I don't think it's what got her voted off, but: we noticed.
Know who didn't notice? The judges. Maybe they really are bored with Melinda's brand of perfection and have stopped paying attention. Randy praises her range, tosses out a "That was hot!" and says he'd listen to her sing the phone book. Paula delivers some Classic Paula: "You're stepping out into the spotlight and, with no regrets, no looking back, and celebrating all your whole journey. I--you--it's like you're in the spotlight! You're awesome! Melinda, you're fantastic." Aw, good to have you back, Ab-Dewars. Simon says he "loved the little striptease at the top." Oh, you mean when Grandma Doolittle tossed her shawl away and exposed a little forearm? I'm sorry, but that was one hideous outfit. Here, I'm gonna quote Simon verbatim too, because he speaks for all of us: "We've known each other now for eleven weeks on this show [Not even close, Cowell, but continue.] -- if I'm going to award a place in the final to the person who has consistently delivered, week after week, it's you." The crowd goes apeshit, and I guess Melinda is allowed to look humble again, because her face is saying "Thank you!" pretty loudly. Ryan heads out and puts a hand on Melinda's shoulder, giving her a heartfelt "Congratulations." He reads her phone numbers at hyper-speed so we'll have time for...
Rundown! Jordin being all jazzy and cool and a magnet for bitter Yaminions on "Wishing On A Star," then being on-pitch but barely mobile on "She Works Hard For The Money," and finally sounding far screechier in rehearsals for "I, Who Have Nothing" than she did during the show. Blake being boringly proficient on "Roxanne," then giving us the bedroom eyes on "This Love," and finally doing that hot thing with the ring on "When I Get You Alone." Melinda crushing a paper tiger on "I Believe In You And Me," then rocking the hell out of everything on "Nutbush City Limits." And then the DVR cuts out, of course, sparing me from the letdown bonanza of "I'm A Woman." That's for the best. After the rundown, says my memory, Ryan asked the judges who deserved to be in the Top 2. Randy -- refreshing free of hedging this week -- says it should be the two girls. Simon simply hopes that "my girl Melinda" will be one of them. Oh, Simon. You just exposed your neck to the ravenous viewing audience. They know how to hurt you now. We all should have seen it coming, right then and there.
TO BE CONTINUED!