Oh, this is going to be tough. One at a time I can handle, but two out of six people I all basically like? At least Bon Jovi's going to perform. Okay. Simon says that Blake was the best last night, and Chris looks on in adoration, and they will be total boyfriends throughout the episode, which is nice. After the usual highlights package from last night and the now-depressingly-regular man-on-the-street interviews (and ouch for Jordin on both counts), Ryan talks to the contestants, and they manage to be gregarious and not palpably nervous. Ruben shills for Idol Gives Back, and I don't remember everything about fashion trends from when he was on the show, but I'm betting the horizontal-striped shirt he's wearing wouldn't have worked then, much as it isn't working now. An endless montage of stuff from last week is followed by Robin Thicke performing, and I'm running out for patience for this bullshit. Get it over with! No, first it's Fantasia's turn to beg for your money, and then a creepy circus-themed pimpmercial set to "Paint It Black," but at least someone saw fit to put Chris in a sleeveless vest. But then it's time for some results: Melinda, Phil, and LaKisha are called to the middle of the stage, and we learn that 135 million votes were cast over the two weeks. Melinda is the first one safe, so apparently one of the other two is going home. After a tense standoff, we see that Simon is way smarter than I, for LaKisha is safe, and Phil is going home. Video montage set to Carrie's "I'll Stand By You" of Phil in the hospital with his kid, in the audition room, meeting all the mentors. Melinda and LaKisha both cry, but Phil smiles big through the whole thing, giving a lot more credibility to all his "I'm blessed" talk, and he has a singout that's slightly impeded by all his glad-handing, but he hugs all the judges, which is nice, and then there's a group hug with the other contestants, which is even nicer. So Chris going home is even more of a foregone conclusion than it was last night, given that Jordin and Blake aren't going anywhere. The three of them start to get up, but Ryan tells Jordin not to even bother; she's safe. So tragically, Chris and Blake are going to be separated by death instead of simply breaking up, but first Bon Jovi performs "Make A Memory," which is sweet and completely fitting given what's going on tonight. JBJ gives props to the contestants (minus Phil, who's apparently already on the train home) and then it's Taylor's turn to (very soberly, much to my surprise and his credit) ask us for some cash. Chris and Blake declare that they're "best friends" and are going to tour together and are cuter than newborn puppies, and then Chris is of course going home. Video journey: Auditions, his awesome dad, mentors. Chris looks like he might lose it during the montage, but smiles big again once it's over. He sounds good and has fun during the singout as Melinda and Jordin struggle to keep it together, and then of course they all storm the stage and hug him while he's still singing, which is beautiful, as are the group hug, the standing ovation from the judges, and the live comments we hear from the contestants. Leaving us with: Melinda, Blake, LaKisha, and Jordin. It's absolutely the correct Final Four, but damned if I'm not going to be sniffling myself to sleep anyway.
Ryan informs us that last week was about being nice, and this week is about sending two people home. We do the usual pan across the contestants; Blake gives the camera/audience a cute smile, Chris looks like he's going home, and Melinda appears uncharacteristically nervous. That last is probably because her little family is going to be sadly smaller after tonight. "THIS is American Idol."
Ryan enters, wearing a businesslike gray suit and brown tie. Oh my God, is that Antonella? She was there last night, too, and I completely didn't even recognize her. I guess one way or another, she has to be sucking to be noticeable. Seacrestiana; round of applause for the last six. This will be important, so I'll just mention the seating arrangement now; the bottom row is Melinda, Phil, and LaKisha, and the top is Jordin, Blake, and Chris. Ryan "promises" that there won't be any filler tonight, and reasonably amusingly lets his face drop, but then tramples the joke by adding a "Sure." Not that it's funny overall anyway, given the amount of cereal and bread crumbs that's being shoved into the Idol stew tonight. Ryan tells us that we will be seeing the three Idol winners that didn't perform last week. He does not tell us that we will not be seeing three other people that didn't perform last week, those being Gwen Stefani, Pink, and Borat. Not that I missed those last two, but it's not like we didn't notice, show. He also promises "R&B superstar Robin Thicke." Well, if you say it, it must be true, huh? Vox Seacrest, vox Dei. We will also have an actual superstar, as Bon Jovi will be performing live. The judges are introduced, Paula giving cute devil horns and Randy, I think, booing Simon? Are we going even more retro than I thought tonight? Ryan asks Randy why "rock and roll" (meet you at the malt shop after the show, Ryan) worked for the contestants, and Randy blathers that he didn't think it would, but they "stepped up their game" and "brought it" and "worked it out." Now, Ryan's typical vaudevillian personality is why he gets paid to do this show. But it's things like his offhandedly snarky response of "Indeed" that allow us to forgive him for it.
Ryan tells Paula that in the past, contestants have been criticized for getting away from the original track too much, but last night, "it kind of worked." Paula gets all "kind of?" so I guess we know which diminutive contestant's performance she was dreaming about last night. Her head then starts to shake like she's having a 'sode, but then I realize that that's because Simon has his hand on her neck and is pretending that he's her puppeteer. If you look at the left edge of the frame, you can see Randy looking over and giving a priceless "The hell?" look before taking Simon's hand off Paula's neck. God, this crew is weird. Paula mildly spazzes at Simon, although she let it go on for ages so clearly it was at least partially scripted, and everyone's giggling until Ryan cuts in with a "We've seen his puppet. You're much prettier." Everyone's like, "Oh, SNAP!" and Simon actually gapes in shock. Given that the last time I saw him this off-guard was with Sligh's Teletubbies reference, it appears that puppets are Simon's Kryptonite. Ryan, I think, knows he's flirting with getting bogged down on this one, and tries to get things back on track, and Paula's with him as she gives Blake props for his "career-defining" performance last night. Chris looks admiringly at Blake, who gives him a big smile in return. Aw. Simon's grinning again here, so I'm not sure how offended he is, but he plays it up, saying that if Ryan's going to be obnoxious, he's not going to answer his question. Ryan tries to get out of it by saying he learned from the best, and there's a chaotic mess about Simon trying to get Ryan to apologize, with Randy taking Simon's side, and Ryan being all dodgy and not owning what he said, with Paula backing him up. Basically, Simon thought Ryan was insulting his girlfriend, while Ryan says that's not the case, but I don't know what else he could have been talking about. A blow-up doll, maybe, but "puppet" is pretty far away from that. It makes so sense either way, and anyway: God, I am so tired of these two and their little dramas. Maybe Simon wasn't consulted on this particular line, but seriously: It was cute for a while when it was a joke on people who didn't know what gay subtext was, but it's all so scripted, every single week. I mean, even if they are sleeping together, it's by contract and in their day planners, so let's all just ignore it from now on, okay? The joke's on us at this point, and I'm tired of it.
So just like that, Simon drops it and says the show was good although some people sucked, and gives "top marks" to Blake. That expression gives me a flash to Simon starring in his own version of The History Boys. (Great, I'm doing it again.) ["Remember The History Boys? 'Smart boys with varying degrees of sexual fluidity.' Best summation of a movie I ever heard." -- Joe R] We see highlights from last night that I will not be recapping again except to say they switch up the order: Phil, Melinda, Jordin, Blake, LaKisha, Chris. I don't know what nefarious conspiracy that signals, but I'm certain there are people out there that will be only too happy to tell me. The highlights are representative of what happened last night, and then Ryan's out for his Metrosexual On The Street segment. He looks super-cute in a light fleece-y looking pullover. Very sporty, which I probably don't have to tell you is atypical for him. Ryan interviews a little kid and dances around and sings a few bars of "Livin' On A Prayer," and that's fun. Also fun? A woman telling Ryan that it was the most entertaining episode of AI she's ever seen. Ryan lights up with an "I'm getting a raise" face, and then declares that everyone did a really good job. The woman is like, "Except for Jordin." Good thing about the fleece, Ryan, because that was cold. Hilarious, though. A couple drives the point home that Jordin sucked last night, but the woman doesn't think she's going home. A girl interviews that Chris is awesome and hot and "looks like Justin Timberlake." With fans like her, who needs enemies? Everyone else gets props.
Ryan asks Blake how he comes up with his arrangements, and Blake says he has a great computer program called "Ableton Live" that lets him cut up and experiment with songs. He says that he brought a studio with him, which, indicating Chris, "we rock every once in a while." Oh, the fanfic that that line will inspire. I just wonder where the beatboxing will fit in. Seriously, the whole Cake (that's fans of Chris and Blake, for the uninitiated) thing may seem Smurfy, but I think it's going to serve both these guys well. I have no doubt they really like each other (as FRIENDS) but playing up that angle and encouraging people to like them as a package will expand both their fan bases tremendously. It'll be interesting to see if their careers intertwine at all once this show is over. Ryan asks if he was nervous, but no, he was really excited to put everything he had into that song. Ryan asks Jordin about the criticism she got, and it's second verse, same as the first, as she says she gave it her all (not sure about that) but that everyone has bad weeks (mostly true) and basically, she was bracing herself to suck (not sure it that's actually true, but everyone seems to think it sounds good, so that's what we're going with). Ryan then turns to Phil and mentions that he wasn't allowed to listen to rock music growing up. Phil confirms that since his dad was a "pastor" (did you grow up in a little house on the prairie, Phil?) he was discouraged from listening to anything other than gospel music, but "we managed to sneak a little Slippery When Wet album underneath the radar." Ryan then asks LaKisha what kind of kisser Simon is, and after my righteous speech above, I'm going to have to decline to touch that one. Which is good, because now I don't have to choose which of seventeen directions to go. LaKisha does well with this garbage, saying that he was good and she'd do it again. Simon giggles and mouths that he would too, but Ryan informs us that as we heard earlier, Simon's got a girlfriend "and it is verrrrry serious." Simon looks like he's going to bust a tit laughing. I don't know if Randy or Paula said something bitchy about the line I refused to touch, or if he realized that Ryan actually wasn't referring to his girlfriend, or if he's trying to shame Ryan by exaggeratedly laughing, but it seems like he's genuinely amused. I cannot get out from under these two! Damn, I did it again! Finally, Ryan introduces "the velvet teddy bear," Ruben.
On the viewscreen, Ruben appears, bald and bearded and wearing a horribly unfortunate pink-and-blue-striped shirt. ["Making him officially sorry for 2007." -- Joe R] He cheerily tells us that we gave him the chance to do something amazing with his life, and now we can change someone else's by donating to Idol Gives Back. Didn't watch much of your season; have nothing to say. Let's get on with this.
Ryan's sitting with Melinda, and he asks her what kind of impact last week's show made on her. Melinda uses the word "huge" several times in describing her joy at being part of helping children that need it. Then we have an ENDLESS montage of stuff that happened last week. It starts at 16:07 and ends at 19:50. Unbelievable. I mean, you can be as cynical as you want about the Idol Gives Back idea, but I certainly don't begrudge the part where kids are going to have better lives because of it. But we had TWO HOURS of this crap last week, and it's just unnecessary to see it again. I mean, did I really need to rewatch Madonna inspiring a bunch of kids to speak as affectedly as she does? Or Ben Stiller making my jaw drop with what an attention whore he is now? Also, I'm pissed that in this hour of bloat, there's no group sing; this Top 6 seems to get along better than any in the past, and I like how they sound together; the harmonies are usually clean, and no one is consistently a spotlight hog. But more importantly, I think the kids would have enjoyed and appreciated it, and with two of them going home tonight, it would have been nice to see them sing together once more. (I know, I know, THE TOUR.)
After that montage of forever, Ryan has the gall to tell us that there's so much they couldn't fit into the show tonight, so you can surf over to their website for details on where the money's going. And that is actually true, although I don't like the part where they say that the money will be distributed to the charity organizations after "submission of proposals to tackle the issues above and associated problems." That plan lacks -- what's the word I'm looking for -- a PLAN. Seacrestiana about John Cleese shilling on the Idol website, and now it's time for Robin Thicke to perform. I've never heard of him outside being Alan Thicke's son, and he's not a bad-looking guy, but what's with the pube-stache? When Sanjaya's upper lip looks butch by comparison, it's time to maybe invest in a razor. Also, I'm going to hide behind my lack of music knowledge in simply opining this: He sounds like shit. He's also touching himself kind of inappropriately, and I don't think I'm going out of bounds with any of this, given that even the posters that say they normally like him were roundly horrified by this performance. The whole thing's in falsetto, which is not usually my thing but I sometimes enjoy, but not this. They don't mention the song title, and I'm sure as hell not going to plug it by looking it up.
Ryan tells us that when we come back, one of the contestants will be performing for the last time; he does his typical "blame the voters" shtick, which is beyond tiresome at this point, and then introduces Fantasia. Fantasia echoes Ruben's sentiment but makes it more specific in regard to her struggles as a single mom. Amazingly, the show resists the urge to cut to LaKisha at this moment. Montage of needy kids; Fantasia is blessed. Good.
As I mentioned in the recaplet, there's a creepy circus-themed pimpmerical, set to "Paint It Black." Blake's the ringmaster in white face paint; Phil's driving with LaKisha to him and Chris riding bitch in the back. (Foreshadowing!) The idea is that they drive through the circus like it's a car wash, but... they're also part of the circus? Like, Phil's in the car, but then he sees himself performing? Which: huh? Melinda's a contortionist, and I'm happy with her being great at just about everything in the world except that. Then she and Jordin are in the car on either side of Chris, and LaKisha and Phil are sawing someone in half, and then Chris is in a cutoff tee and a leather vest. What's he doing? Showing off his arms. Weren't you paying attention? He's actually supposed to be juggling, but tell me you were paying attention to that. Jordin's the mermaid, which is clearly pimping on the part of the show, and then her car self dunks her mermaid self, which is obviously a metaphor for her performance last night. Then the five of them are in the car, but they're wearing their circus outfits, rather than the normal ones they were wearing when they were in the car watching themselves, and they drive out past Blake. If anything from here on out doesn't make sense, please don't e-mail me, because I think I am now legally insane. What the hell WAS that?
Ryan says the songwriting competition yielded twenty finalists, and you can vote for your favorite, and it will be performed on the finale. That should be grand. I mean, I always wanted to see Blake beatbox through "A Moment Like This" or the equivalent. Now: results. The bottom row stands and heads to the stage, the lights are dimmed, 135 million votes were cast between the two weeks, Melinda is safe. Everyone's thrilled, and she sits down as Phil and LaKisha put their arms around each other. These are the two I wasn't sure about -- I thought it would be one or the other, but probably LaKisha, because I figured it was time to thin the so-called "diva" herd. But no: after a long, tense pause, the Sword of Damocles that's been hanging over Phil's bald head for weeks finally falls, and LaKisha is declared safe. She drops half to her knees, and then I'm sure they hug, but we're too busy getting reaction shots from the other eighteen cameras in the room to see it. LaKisha then goes straight into Melinda's arms, but there aren't the tears there were last time; I think she knew that she did great last night, and she would have been much happier to go home off a stellar performance than a crappy one. Phil smiles big, and as I said in the recaplet, it makes me a lot surer that all his feelgood sentiment during the show was genuine. Video journey: Phil tells Simon that the baby is more important than the show; he sees the baby in the hospital for the first time. Carrie's version of "I'll Stand By You" pipes up, and props to the show for catching me unawares, because I really did choke up a little there. Phil VOs about his participation in AI being for his kids, and I missed this in the recaplet, but he does look a little sad for a few moments before the big smile returns. Phil hugging Martina, Phil hugging Gwen, Phil hugging Diana, Phil and Tony, Phil and Bono, Phil and JBJ, Phil kissing Melinda, Phil hugging J. Lo, Phil hugging Chris, Phil waving to the camera holding his daughter. Sniff. Now that's some good montage.
Melinda's in tears, but Phil's recovered to give the crowd devil horns, as Ryan, as genuine as he gets, says that Phil's a "good man" and that he's going to miss him. His wife is all big smiles too as he starts his singout. It takes him a few seconds to get as into it as he was last night, but once he does, it's again pretty darn good. He does a few runs and makes this version slightly tricksier than the first performance, and he changes up the choreography. Someone should have told Haley that was allowed. He hugs all the judges, even Simon (although Simon keeps it to more of a shoulder lean-in) and then we get a shot of the other five contestants looking pretty wrecked indeed. This is a tough night for them, that's for sure and certain. Phil walks through the audience doing everything but kissing babies. If you were in the crowd and didn't get at least a handshake from Phil, it might be a good idea to ask your friends if you have a simple, chronic problem with halitosis. Phil takes it back to the stage, and on the closing "young gun" line there's a group hug that only intensifies after the song is over. The audience shrieks for him, and right before we go to commercial, he and Chris share a long, long hug that has "Don't worry, I'm right behind you" written all over it.
We meet a dude that won ten grand in the American Idol Challenge. I wonder how he can live with himself with all the needy children in the world. Or do you suppose he hasn't heard about them? The question of the week is where the pimpmercial that we JUST WATCHED took place. Not that I'm offended at how easy the question is -- I just had already seen quite enough of the crossover between AI and Carnivale to last me a lifetime, much less an hour. So Ryan has the top row stand, but he instantly declares Jordin safe, so it'll just be Chris and Blake up on the stage, and we know how that's going to go. In case you're not following along, the answer is: Cruelly. I mean, there's no other way to do this from the producers' standpoint than to put them up there together, but it hurts to watch, that's for sure, although they probably wouldn't have it any other way. I mean, they look happiest when they're in each other's presence. Chris and Blake whisper to and then hug each other, and I am a huge goon but I think that's really cool and nice. Ryan blames the producers, but says they're going to have to wait. Duh. They sit down again and we head to commercial.
Back from the break, Ryan introduces Bon Jovi. Standing ovation, of course. They perform "Make A Memory," and they sound great in spite of a couple of rough notes at the very beginning, and the song choice is certainly fitting for the imminent forcible Chris/Blake separation. He holds the last note forever and a day, gives someone in the audience a smile that you'd be lucky if it were the last thing you ever see, and then it's over. Ryan tells him what a great job he did with the contestants, and I think I talked about that in the first recap but I'll certainly reiterate my agreement. He tells the contestants that they all did a great job working with him, and thanks them for letting him and the band be a part of it. And I've already dripped sap all over this recap and the last, but I don't know how to make anything of that other than "Aw." JBJ gives some information about their upcoming tour, which may or may not signal a trip to New Jersey in my future, and then of course declines to call who's going home. We then get, without the introduction that Ryan gave Fantasia and Ruben, a spot from Taylor, and I was no fan of his but that still seems kind of rude. He looks good, although an unfortunate side effect of the weight he's lost is that his head now looks like a giant melon on a teeny frame. Joe R would probably make a comment here about how that's oddly fitting. And sometimes Joe R and I are like that. To his credit, however, Taylor stays on point and doesn't start twitching or dancing, so maybe there's hope for him yet. Also, there seems to be a higher proportion of black hair to grey than I remember. All right, let's get back to the crying.
Blake and Chris are on stage. Ryan tells us that Bon Jovi's new CD, "Lost Highway," will be out June 19th. Blake and Chris goof around with each other until Ryan gets their attention, saying they're good friends. Blake pipes up, "Best friends," and Chris echoes that. You guys, you're killing me. What do I do with that? Chris says he'd go home for Blake, which is convenient. Spoiler! Also, STILL KILLING ME. Ryan offers them a chance to do the opposite of the result in his hand, but Chris says it doesn't matter. And the thing that makes this bearable is that he's right. Aside from winning, which gets you a crappy contract, at this point it really doesn't matter who's going home. These six are household names as far as the AI viewing public is concerned; I really don't think there's much else the show can do for them, other than the summer tour, which Chris and Blake happily mention. They hug again, and then it is time. As Ryan gives the standard run-down, they can't stop laughing, proving the point about how if one of them's going home, he'd rather be up there with the other than anyone else, and then: "Chris. You're going home, buddy." They hug again, and one of their mics is on, so you can hear Blake say something but unfortunately I can't make out what. Simon applauds (I think for both of them) and everyone gets to their feet.
Chris thanks everyone for keeping him in this long. And he may not have been as good as Chris Daughtry on "Wanted Dead Or Alive," but he outclasses him on something far more important here. Video journey: Simon telling him he could surprise them. Not wrong there. Chris VOs that this is the path he's wanted to go down for a long time, as we see his awesome dad freaking out at his golden ticket. When we go to the split screen, it's clear that Chris is on the edge of losing it altogether, and I can't see the other contestants but I'm betting he's not the only one. Chris hugging Gwen. Chris with Tony. Chris jamming with Bon Jovi. Chris hugging Bono. Chris hugging J. Lo. "If I go home tomorrow, that's just the way it's supposed to be, and then hopefully I'll just have a great career after that." Back live, Ryan tells him that he's going to be fine, and Chris, almost recovered, agrees. Ryan tells us that week's mentor is Barry Gibb (I wouldn't have sneezed at doing that week, either) and then Chris has his singout. The sound is a little bluesier than last night. I can't imagine why. Also different is that Chris gets up on the riser, slapping hands with Randy as he goes. There's a bit when the camera goes to Jordin, and she seems like once she realizes it's on her, then she starts crying. I don't want to castigate her on such flimsy evidence, but many people on the boards don't share that reticence, so I thought I'd at least mention it. Blake gives devil horns during the performance, and once Chris gets back on stage, the survivors mob him for individual hugs while he's still singing. Heh. The judges and everyone else get back on their feet, and Chris pulls everyone into a big group hug. Someone's mic is still on, and you can tell that at least one of the women is completely losing it. Like, they're all going to have to wipe the snot off their jackets losing it. From what little I can make out, it might be all three of them. Chris says something that makes them all laugh. Quick shot of a bobbed and now jet-black-haired Gina in the audience, and as Joe said to me on IM, she wants to be up there with them so bad. The tour, Gina. Remember the tour. The hug finally breaks up, and it turns out even Blake is crying, as is LaKisha, but Melinda is destroyed to the point where LaKisha rubs her arm sympathetically. So is Jordin, actually. Hugs for everyone, and we're out.