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Didn't Ryan Seacrest used to wear t-shirts with funny sayings on them before? He's been so formally dressed this season. He's all put together like he's attending a wedding. So Fantasia is in the audience tonight, which isn't quite as fun as when she shows up and performs. Ryan promises "something for everyone" tonight, whether you prefer "the rock" or "the ballads." At this point in the season, I prefer anything other than "the suck" that's been the dominant trend these last several weeks. We're introduced to the judges, a what-upping Randy Jackson, a lobotomized Paula Abdul, and a turning-slowly-left Simon Cowell. Work it, girl. Ryan kicks us to a video package for Queen, the band whose songs will be under siege tonight. And right away we're presented with my initial problem with doing Queen songs. Over the repetitive percussion of "We Will Rock You," Ryan explains that if you've ever so much as stepped into a sports arena, you've heard the music of Queen. And...exactly. So many of Queen's songs have ceased to even be songs anymore. Is "We Will Rock You" any more of a song than "You Make Me Wanna Shout"? "We Are the Champions" is another sporting anthem. "Bohemian Rhapsody" is a Wayne's World punch line. "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" was driven to parody by this very show. Add to that the fact that Freddie Mercury's voice is such a high hurdle, how are these eight kids supposed to find any way to impress us this week? The answer, it turns out, is to go utterly crazy. Hey, whatever works. Ryan's got the whole Biography voice-over happening on the History of Queen, which sickeningly includes clips from Constantine's "Bohemian Rhapsody" performance last year, as an example of the ways in which the band has managed to stay in the public eye. That's gross, and stop making me remember Constantine.
We see the Idols meet Queen during the band's rehearsal, in what is essentially a retread of last week's footage. Ace unveils his tactic of trying to blind us (or, I guess, "render us deaf" would be more appropriate) with his biceps. Um. I could think of worse strategies. Everybody is shown banging their heads, and Queen at least pretends to be happy to have them there. Back onstage, Ryan tells us that the "groundbreaking" video for "Bohemian Rhapsody" was directed by American Idol's own director Bruce Gowers. We cut to Bruce in the directing room, and it's like at the Emmys when the guy directing the Emmys has been nominated for directing the Emmys. A shot of you watching TV watching you watching TV watching you watching TV. It's weird and distracting and the director still has to direct, so he's shooting out all this gibberish that no one but Ryan understands, because English is his second language and he was raised to speak production booth. There's some weirdness where Ryan's snapping (girrrrrrl!) and the camera doesn't know where to cut to, because all of a sudden Ryan's the director and Gowers is onscreen. I guarantee you so many production workers went home with "You would not believe the day I had" stories to tell.
“ I am so very, very sad that Mandisa never got a chance to perform this song. Not because it would have been funny, but because I really feel that if she took hold of that song and shoved it right back in our faces and just worked it out, she'd have bought herself another three weeks just out of viewer shame. Hell, I certainly would have forgotten that she hates my faggotty ass. ”
Ryan sends us to Bucky's video package, where he deems the members of Queen worthy of hanging out with him at a bar back home. (The surviving members of Queen: "Uh...pass.") The Queen guys are awesome -- and it's here that I should mention that I only know the one guy with the curly hair, Brian May, by name, so when I say "the guys from Queen" it could mean any or all of them -- with the faintest of praise for Bucky. He's "all right" and started rocking "at the end there." May says Bucky's got a "good attitude." Great personality, too. Ouch. Bucky will be singing "Fat Bottomed Girls," which may be my favorite Queen song not prominently featuring David Bowie. I'm not being a jerk when I say that I am so very, very sad that Mandisa never got a chance to perform this song. Not because it would have been funny, but because I really feel that if she took hold of that song and shoved it right back in our faces and just worked it out, she'd have bought herself another three weeks just out of viewer shame. Hell, I certainly would have forgotten that she hates my faggotty ass.
Here's weirdness: Ryan is standing to the judges' table getting ready to call Bucky to the stage, his right hand on the desk by Simon. So as he intros Bucky, Simon reaches his fist over and kind of bops Ryan on the hand lightly. The well has officially run dry on my ability to talk about how Ryan and Simon are boyfriends who love/hate/love each other, even though it's a fascinating subject, because I no longer think it's fake, or if it is fake, it comes from a very real place, at least for Ryan. But that gesture right there? That was an actual gesture of romantic love from one wizened old partner to another. It's the weirdest thing. I mean, obviously Simon and Ryan made up since last week, that much is clear. But that gesture may have just swayed me into a snark-free "actual boyfriends" territory. They need to be studied, extensively.
Bucky's back with the bow-legged rickets thing, and he's also standing kind of Matrix-y, an effect only enhanced by the leather jacket. I already said I love this song, so that's not the problem here. The problem is that Bucky's voice never, ever brings anything to the table for me. Obviously he's not going to be as powerful as Freddie Mercury, but it still sounds like he's pussing out of even trying. I will always agree with Simon when he calls Bucky a bar singer, because it's that kind of "I've got a longneck with my name on it once I'm done" vocal laziness that I get from Bucky every week. His stage presence has a lot of "go through the motions" to it as well. It makes it hard to get into the performance. I will be no doubt be comparing everyone this week to Paris, because...well, we'll get to that. But that girl throws her entire body into her performances, whereas Bucky just sort of glides. "Real Good Man" being the one possible exception. He bores the shit out of me, and if this wasn't a song I already dug, I'd have checked out minutes ago. Randy says he liked the energy (oh for Pete's) and while there were "pitchy problems," he liked it. Paula likes how Bucky's able to make the song sound country, even though I don't think it did much. Simon, ever my saving grace when it comes to Bucky, says the song was bigger than him, which is fucking true. Overall, says Simon, the performance was "quite mediocre." Watching it live and not knowing how amazing some of the performances were going to be, I figured "mediocre" would hold Bucky over okay this week. Bad assumption. Ryan, because he and Simon are still basking in the afterglow, merely tosses in a "same old, same old" remark to Bucky re: Simon. I much prefer that kind of offhanded resignation to his tiresome trend this season of trying to shame Simon into being a nice guy. Ryan asks for Bucky's thoughts and gets a Boomhauer response about dang-ol' Freddie Mercury or something or other. Ryan looks flummoxed as hell and says, "You can say that again." So Bucky repeats the last thing he said ("Garble, garble, biscuits 'n' gravy"?), because he's easily the biggest dork remaining on the show.
“ He's actually not as nasal as you might have feared, but he's still Nermal, so him telling us he's going to kick our can all over the place? Is adorable. ”
Coming up , promises Ryan, are Ace and Kellie. I had gotten word earlier on Tuesday that Ace would be singing "We Will Rock You" and Kellie would be singing "Bohemian Rhapsody." And I laughed and laughed. I think my exact words were, "Thanks, God!" Ryan and Ace are sitting by the omnipresent red cola monitors, and I'm more and more put off by Ace's hair every week. It's just too Penny Lane for my liking. Pair that with the so-very-vacant smile? Not working. Ryan asks about the "intensity" ratcheting up week after week, and Ace takes a thousand hours to manage "It's...more and more intense each week. It's ridiculous." He's just not pretty enough to be this boring. I'm sorry. He is an attractive man, but there is absolutely nothing going on there at all. I feel sorry for him that he missed the glory days of Timberlake, because guys like him were so very needed, but the reality is that it's 2006 and we're not looking for empty smiles and puppy-dog eyes. We're looking for small-town orphans with dangerously low IQs, dammit! Then Ace goes all Paula for a moment, about how you don't just hear Freddie Mercury's voice, you feel it, and "it's my turn, I've been feeling for a week and now it's my turn to give it." And thus it was proven that crazy can be transmitted through lustful glances.
The video clip shows sleeveless Ace charming it up with Queen. He interviews that he wanted to put his own "flavor" on the song, but we quickly see that Queen isn't having any of that. I don't think it's faked up for the camera, either, when we see Brian May tell Ace flat-out, "I don't think we're going to do your arrangement." That's awesome in several ways. 1) Like "We Will Rock You" is so sacred anyway that Brian May needs to protect it from the harm of a boy band arrangement. 2) Even still, May's like "fuck that, you want us on your show, there are some things we're not going to do." 3) The look on Ace's face is still so painfully full of "love me?" May, king of the backhanded compliment apparently, tells us that Ace is cool because he's very flexible and open to discussion, so when you tell him he can take his ghetto-lite beat and shove it, he'll totally cave. This is why, when you try and cannibalize a classic song, you make sure the artist is dead, Ace. Then: Ace starts to perform. He wants us to stomp and clap in time, which is the universal rule of this song. Stomp-stomp-CLAP! Stomp-stomp-CLAP! He's actually not as nasal as you might have feared, but he's still Nermal, so him telling us he's going to kick our can all over the place? Is adorable. The singing, however, is awful. Worst song choice I've heard this season. He tries to trick it up as best he can, with a little playful Timberlake and some truly ill-advised falsetto at the end. He hits a Jesus pose, he carries the mic stand around the stage, it's truly the funniest thing I've ever seen. Oh no! Ace is gonna rock us! It's true, because he has leather pants and he's wielding the mic stand like a weapon! Every week all I can do is laugh at him. He's like Amazing RaceLake.
Ace's brother is in leather-clad solidarity, fiercely whooping it up in the crowd and giving the illusion that the Young brothers are not to be fucked with. They will put you back into your place! They will ROCK YOU! As if reading my mind, the camera then cuts to Micky Dolenz of The Monkees fame. That's the most perfect edit I've ever seen, and it could have only been topped if it had been, like, Pat Boone dressed up like when he did that album of Metallica covers. Randy says he "was worried" and it seems like he's building to a compliment, but the verdict is a five out of ten. Jared Leto-Young in the audience is going to fuck Randy up, you can tell. Paula is all over the map like she's Southwest Airlines. Follow the green line as she talks about Queen not wanting its music "bastardized." Follow the red line as she says she liked the "tribute" Ace paid. Follow the blue line as she praises how he switched it up in the middle. And follow the brown line into oblivion when she says Ace "knows what time it is" in this competition. That'd make one of you, lady. There is, naturally, an "Ace: Will you go to the prom with me?" sign in the audience. I seriously hope that girl has been turning down viable offers, holding out for Ace. He's going to see my sign and it's going to happen, okay? I used two different color markers!
Simon says Randy was being generous, and that it was a "complete and utter mess." Paula tries to downplay, but Randy's like, "Actually, yeah. He's right." Awesome. "I really, really, really hated that," is Simon's final analysis. Ace thanks him, because what else can he do? Ryan is once again conspicuously inconspicuous as he makes it to center stage without upbraiding Simon. Somebody got flowers, I'm thinking. He does give Ace a chance to redeem himself, and Ace goes the Guarini route, asking the audience if they "had fun." Shit, dude, I had fun. Doesn't mean it wasn't horrible. He thinks he rocked it and he dodges the Queen question with yet another needy play for the crowd. God. I think I will not be happy with anything less than tears from Ace before this season is through. "Love me! Cheer for me!" Love yourself enough not to sing "We Will Rock You," maybe. He defaults back to the empty smile while Ryan reads his numbers, but then it's back to the disappointed face that will, in a day's time, morph into a simmering rage.
Kellie, as I said, is going to sing "Bohemian Rhapsody." She's actually heard of it; her junkie father was a big fan. This is totally going to be a train wreck, you can tell, but Kellie sounds strangely good in rehearsals. Clearly an anomaly, right? The band sure seems to like her, though. They say she's "brave" for choosing the song, and she has a hard time figuring out whether "brave" is a slam on her or not. I think Kellie may have finally arrived at the point where she realizes everyone's just making fun of her all the time. Ryan calls it "the most popular song of all time." It is? Did he mean to say Queen's most popular song of all time? Anyway. Here's Kellie.
“ She's wearing this shimmery red blouse, belted at the waist, sleeves scrunched up and fucking shoulder pads or something, like she's one of the Designing Women. ”
Katharine! The exclamation point is always there when she's around. Her video package tells us the song she's chosen to sing is "Don't Stop Me Now." We see her cute self in rehearsals bouncing around on the stage and sounding all upbeat and sexy and fun. This is going to be great. But then Kat tells me (and, okay, America as well) that she changed her mind at some point (read: the second Mandisa was eliminated) and will now be singing "Who Wants to Live Forever?" I'm so disappointed! Another limp ballad when I could have seen boppy fun? Dammit, Katharine! Seriously, did you see the dancing? Was it not wicked hot? Anyway. So Ryan (his hands clasped around the hands of awful Mama McPhee) tells us that the song was featured on the Highlander soundtrack, which should have tipped me off right then. But I was too busy registering my profound disappointment with anyone who would listen. Then I see Katharine onstage. It's pitch black except for four spotlights, two on each side of her, which form a triangle of light around her silhouette. It looks like the aliens have landed and have brought us immortal Scots and gorgeous singers. We push in on the latter, her face still shrouded by the mists of the highlands. This is so theatrical, I love it. I didn't realize this would be the necessary result of a Queen-themed week -- that Pickler and Katharine (and Paris later) would just go crazy with the imagery and drama. If you're going to have a show, make it a show, right? So the song just builds and builds, and Kat is staring into the camera intensely. The camera angle changes to a shot from behind her, as she raises her arms into a Jesus pose of her own. She's wearing this shimmery red blouse, belted at the waist, sleeves scrunched up and fucking shoulder pads or something, like she's one of the Designing Women. It's fantastic, the whole thing.
Randy says he approved of the song switch -- and at this point, so do I -- because he likes it when she stays in her element. Her element being Junior Miss Streisand. He thought it was a little pitchy and maybe too big for her in spots, but overall a good performance for her. But for the lack of completely geeking out over how hot it all looked, I pretty much agree entirely. Paula loves when an artist changes her mind, and she thinks Katharine made the right decision. Over Paula's shoulder, Fantasia's floating head nods in agreement. I don't know why this changing-songs thing is getting so much pub. Is it to ward off potential controversy if Mandisa starts to bitch in the media that Kat stole her song? Is it supposed to make Kat look more independent and aware of the artist she wants to be? I'm not sure it warrants all the hoopla. Paula tosses in some "Celine and Barbra" comparisons and says Kat did a great job. Simon says it was "almost the moment" for her. He agrees with Randy about some of the pitch problems, and Katharine says something I can't quite make out about something she couldn't fix. Simon says she owes a big wet kiss to the lighting and production design guys, because they made her look awesome. That's what I'm talking about, and Kat obediently gives it up for whoever it is that made her look like Future Hotness. "Overall," says Simon, "I think it was one of the strongest of the night." Katharine is, as always, bouncy and giggly. Ryan creepily offers her some of her mother's sweat off his hands. Stay away from the bodily fluids, Ry. We don't like to think of you in that way.
“ And if you recall the last time we encountered a toddler not in control of his own limbs, it was David Radford singing 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love.' I don't believe in coincidences. ”
After the commercial, Ryan and Elliott are seated in the product placement area. The idea here is to get Elliott talking about jobs he held before deciding to put his entire life on TV, because perhaps he was a pen salesman or a mail carrier. But Elliott is either actually not in on the plan or else he's doing a pretty good job of acting aloof. He's all, "Uh...fast-food service? A corporate setting?" I love "a corporate setting." That should be his album name. But what Ryan really wants to talk about is Elliott's days as a radio disc jockey. We see a photo of back-in-the-day Elliott with his hoodie and radio-friendly face. Ryan asks for a "ramp up" to the song, because he's all about the industry lingo, or haven't you noticed? Ryan was born when Zeus came down from Mt. Olympus, took the form of a high-definition TV, and mated with a sound mixer. Elliott gives some very cute DJ-speak about "E double on your box, make sure you keep it locked, we got Elliott Yamin comin' up rockin' out to Queen." Funny little leprechaun. Video Elliott tells us he'll be singing "Somebody to Love," which is easily the best fit for his voice. Brian May tells him the song was inspired by Aretha Franklin, which is a pretty cool little tidbit. Elliott is of course even more jazzed, because Aretha puts it more in his comfort zone. The band calls the song one of their most difficult, vocally, so they've got to give Elliott his props.
It's a good performance, if boring. I know that I'm boring saying the same thing week after week about Elliott, but it's true. It's enjoyable, but I think the bulk of that is the song. It's naturally soulful, so he doesn't sound out of place with his style. He's just so profoundly uninteresting. He hits the bridge and tries to get everyone to sway their arms back and forth. I hated when Ace did the clapping thing and I hate this, too. Too needy. Randy parrots how difficult this particular song is to sing. He says Elliott's vibrato best matches Freddie Mercury's voice, and...I guess? I suppose it's hard for me to separate voice and personality long enough to even deal with Freddie and Elliott on the same plane. Pitch problems -- a lot of them this week, per Randy -- but overall he liked it a lot. Paula calls it the best vocal of the night, and says he gave "the best Elliott Yamin performance." Now there's a competition he has a prayer of winning. Simon's kind of blah about the whole Elliott thing, saying it was an "in and out performance," but that he pulled it off. When Ryan approaches, we see some of the "I want to touch you but I don't want to be seen touching you" that Elliott will work to perfection on Wednesday. I guess when you've lived your entire life in an allergen-free plastic bubble, you wind up with some human-contact issues.
Video Taylor tells us his original plan was to sing "We Are the Champions," because he loves it. That song bugs me, and I have an awful feeling it bugs me because I had that tape at the ready when I was a ten-year-old spaz in my Bills jersey watching Super Bowl XXV. It...never got played, let's put it that way. I'd say more, but I don't want to lend Vincent Gallo any more credence for Buffalo 66 than he deserves. Speaking of 1990 sporting apparel, Taylor is shown rehearsing while wearing what appears to be a Zubaz shirt. You know I can't even deal with him. At some point, though, Taylor felt that "We Are the Champions" didn't offer him enough of a chance to show his ass and act like a giant toddler not in control of his own limbs. And if you recall the last time we encountered a toddler not in control of his own limbs, it was David Radford singing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love." I don't believe in coincidences. He just wants to dance, you guys. Too bad what he does could in no way be called dancing. No, what he does is profoundly disturbing.