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Tuesday
What's in Greensboro, you ask? According to AI, there are tales of woe, a montage-worthy amount of ugly dudes, and several poor misguided souls who feel Michael Jackson is still relevant in some way.
Kellie Pickler (19, Albemare NC) is a roller-skating waitress who lives in Capeside with her sister Bessie and has a crush on the boy down the Creek. The back-story is seriously that egregious, but Kelly is also cute as a button in a very Carrie Underwood way, right down to the inability to do anything with her body while she performs. Obviously, we'll see her in Hollywood. Richard Garland (25, Mooresboro NC) puts himself behind the world's largest 8-ball by busting out his ventriloquist act in front of the judges, which means his perfectly nice voice is suddenly not enough to overcome the fact that he billed himself second to a gimmick, and he's denied. Steven David, Jr. (28, Dalzell SC) gets ridiculously up in Paula's grill with a whole bag of date-rapey bullshit, and since Paula's fight-or-flight response is on the fritz (along with the rest of her faculties), she responds by dancing with him. When Simon and Randy play along and pass him on to Hollywood, Steven and his wife, Karla Homolka, attempt to abscond with our Ms. Abdul, while Simon and Randy sit there like the two non-abducted kids from Mystic River. Halicia Thompson (27, Eden NC) has enough family on hand to stage a proper rumble with Rochelle Elaine's family from last week. She works it out, and sings "A Different World," which makes me think she was a ringer placed by the show to curry my favor. Adorable Donny Meacham (19, Alpharetta GA) hasn't sung in eleven years, and considering his audition consists of a decent impression of what a blow dart gun would sing like, I'll venture to say that it showed. Kendra Winston (24, Greensboro NC) trumps the hell out of Kelly Pickler's sob story by uttering four little words: "ward of the state." I quickly come to adore her divisive ass, and she handles Seacrest as well as anybody this side of Nadia Turner, and she's going to Hollywood, despite Simon's "nay" vote.
Paris Bennett (17, Fayetteville GA) is the granddaughter of gospel singer Ann Nesby, and clearly a ringer. She's also my favorite audition of the season this far, getting her shit done with both the Dixie Chicks and Billie Holiday. Marcus Behling (22, Powder Spring GA) sings some Michael Jackson song, awfully, and mentions how he took instruction from Paula and Randy's DVD, which makes Simon's millennium and sets off a never-ending sequence that is both hilarious and excruciating, and probably would have gone a whole lot better if Marcus would have realized how much he ceased to exist once he uttered the phrase "Paula and Randy's DVD." Sammy Neighbors (22, Providence NC) tries to haul us back into the gender identity breach once more, but nobody feels like playing that again. Tyra Juliette Schwartz (24, New York NY) has some hair issues which are probably what lead Simon to think she can't be a "star." But she sings with great control (thanks, Randy), so she's in. Finally, Rhonetta goddamn Johnson (24, Charlotte NC) gets her awful ass pimped from the very first commercial break and is sold to us as the greatest train-wreck auditioner ever, as well as the reason television was invented in the first place. Then we finally see her, and she's basically every shitty singer with a regrettable tube top who ever delusionally bitched about getting the boot, flashed her cooter, and talked shit about Paula that this show has ever had, just with the words ad nauseam attached. Yeah, totally worth the wait and not at all a waste of time.
Tomorrow, we're in San Francisco. You know how I know? Because ten of my motherfucking psychic friends told me!
Wednesday
So the theme in San Francisco is that Simon is having an "off night" and is thus judging good singers too harshly. Or else Simon is perfectly fine and Randy and Paula woke up and decided to fuck with him all day. Regardless, they argue endlessly over half the auditioners we see, and they all act like assholes, but we'll get to that in a second.
First off, the purely good: Katharine McPhee (21, Sherman Oaks CA) has a voice coach for a mom and a mom for a voice coach. She sings a version of "God Bless the Child" that is at first weighed down in glory notes, but then clears up and is beautiful. Simon adores her, and all the judges generally over-praise her, but she's still good, and we'll meet again in Hollywood. Jose "Sway" Penala (27, South San Francisco CA) shares a nickname with that awful MTV News guy, but sings "Superstar" awesomely and is in. And that's it for the good ones. It was that kind of show.
The purely bad: Matthew "Wolfie" Paulson (21, Elk Grove CA) wanders in from the Beauty and the Geek set, tries to sing "Measure of a Man," and is brutally terrible. And then we're asked to compare it to the Clay Aiken original and I choose to remain silent so as not to incriminate myself. Marcus Phillips (23, San Jose CA) is an "all-terrain entertainer," but sadly for him, most of that terrain resides in the salt flats of awful falsetto.
The ones who made the judges fight: John Williams (28, Sacramento CA) took a break from getting his 324th Oscar nomination to morph into a skinny black Air Force pilot with braces who sings like ass but then remixes his own damn self and wins Paula and Randy over. But it's the fact that Randy passes him on to Hollywood to spite Simon that starts this whole chain of events. Shawna White (16, Willits CA) sings both "There Are Worse Things I Could Do" and "Fallin'." Simon aint having it, Randy and Paula crazily overstate how good she was on "Fallin'," and somehow all three of them are wrong. Jayne Santayana (19, Vallejo CA) starts the freak-out in earnest when Simon seems to reject her on principle. It all comes to a head with Deborah Dawn Tilley (57 27, Ely, NV), a "rocker" chick who gets rightly shot down by Simon (and eventually Randy). But then Paula has a 'sode about something Simon said to Clay three seasons ago, like, take it to a message board, lady (Not this one!). So Paula turns her chair away and Simon walks out and Randy is like "can't we just get through this?" even though he started it in the first place.
To sum up: Simon walks out and never comes back. Will he be there week in Vegas? Uh, yeah, he will. Because this was all fake as hell. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Props to Jacob for setting the bar high.Tuesday
Did you know that North Carolina is the state responsible for Clay Aiken and Fantasia Barrino? Ryan Seacrest would like to remind you of that. He also brings up how every American Idol contestant who has ever been worth a damn in history has emerged from the south. So this year, AI decided to take the search right to the fertile breeding grounds of Greensboro. And who do we see as the first ambassadors of the Greensboro auditions? Some dude dressed up as a fireman, a girl dressed as Rainbow Brite, and Rhonetta goddamn Johnson (who we'll get to later, a lot). First impressions, Greensboro. Can't make 'em twice.
As several pan shots would have us believe, a million bajillion people lined up to audition for Idol in North Carolina. Paula expects to find some talent. Randy makes like Paula and pretends he doesn't know where he is. Simon gets flowers, and Ryan gives him the voice-over equivalent of a yank on the ponytail. So, you know, it's Tuesday.
First into the audition room this week intros herself as "Sabrina…the teenage witch." See, here's where I wish Simon would just pull his "!" card and send her away. She acts all aggro-flirty with Simon but he's having none of it. So Sabrina Oakley (26, Greensboro NC) has no other recourse but to sing "Lean on Me," badly. She sings the same way she flirts, actually, which is with great volume and bluntness. Simon calls her on her "Jerry Springer" quality, which is not untrue, though Sabrina takes offense…with great volume and bluntness. You see what I mean? Lady's consistent, I'll give her that. Simon and Randy banter about how drunk you'd have to be to find Sabrina's singing appealing, before Paula calms them down long enough for the triple "no" to send Sabrina on her way. As she walks out into the lobby (and with the door behind her still open, I think) Sabrina announces that Simon is an asshole and relays the Springer comment. Which, naturally, gets a good laugh out of the peanut gallery, and Sabrina gives a peeved look, and I suddenly get the impression that the entire universe is being controlled like marionettes by the AI producers. Is everybody just resigned to playing into this pre-approved script of serving yourself up on a platter for FOX and America? Hi, this is my first year watching the audition rounds, by the way. ["I was gonna say. Just drink the Kool-Aid, it's easier than begging for a coffee." -- Sars]
Self-confessed "shower singer" Cachet Robinson (25, Fayetteville NC) is sweet, but kind of balks when Paula asks her to affirm that she has an amazing voice. She sings "I'm Every Woman" and it's not horrific, but it's also all over the map, and not at all happening. She gets playful at the end with a "shoo-be-doo" part, but she's embarrassed and you can tell. She's cute and I like her, and she weathers Simon's too-obvious "sound-proof shower curtain" jab and exits with some class.We montage for a bit as Ryan VOs about how the "girls of Greensboro" weren't having much luck. This Cheryl Hines looking woman nasals "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," which causes Simon to lose himself for a minute. It might interest you to know that when Simon loses it, he does so in a very "jazz hands / tent revival" kind of way. Like he's found Jesus and Jesus is actually Bob Fosse. ["!" -- Jacob]
Our respite from the awful-singing "girls" comes in the form of Kelly Kellie Pickler (19, Albemarle NC) who is blonde and cute and comes with her own video package. We travel to Albemarle, where Kellie works at one of those drive-up places where the waitresses in roller skates serve burgers and shakes on plastic orange trays. Honestly, I think the producers of the show may have stopped breathing for a minute once they found this out. So, Kellie's mother left when she was two and her drug-addict father has been in and out of jail her whole life. She lives with her grandfather amidst a lot of wood paneling. The one nice thing about Kellie's human interest story getting shoved down our throats like this is that her grandpa could possibly be a pioneer in the field of AI Crazy Grand-fathers. This is exciting, to me.
Inside the audition room, Kellie is friendly and twangy and winning. There is goofy banter about her last name ("Pickler, 'Pick Pickler,' pick me!"), and Paula immediately falls madly in love with her. She sings "Since U Been Gone" by some girl (Björk? The Black Crowes? ["Don't start." -- Jacob]), and is kind of shouty with it, though not in an A-Fed way. It's not the most pleasing rendition of that song I've ever heard, but it's enough to show that Kellie has a strong voice. Then she and Paula have a shared spazz moment, and Paula asks her for twenty seconds of another song, which turns out to be "Broken Wing" by Martina McBride, at which point all the Carrie Underwood comparisons come home to roost. Starting with the fact that Kellie hasn't the first clue what to do with her body when she sings. She's all protruding arms and head-shaking, without any rhyme or reason. Simon thinks her "loud is the new good" tendencies are unnecessary, but he likes her. Paula adores her and wants to consume her youthful essence, Skeleton Key-style. Kellie is giddy, and starts babbling about talking to Grandpa in the coliseum and Simon tells her to shut up but she doesn't for awhile, until he's finally like "go," and she starts to go. But Paula stops her, because she's gotta be all Robert's Rules of Order about getting the official three "yes" votes from the judges. Even if she casts Randy's "yes" vote for him. So Kellie exits the room and just breaks down, in this very honest way, just curls up and cries the second she's through the door. On the other side, the judges enthuse about her, with Simon in particular going on about "that is a nice girl," and, again, it's commerce, but that doesn't mean it's not true.Shawn de Salazar (17, Davie FL) looks like that mustachioed one from the Backstreet Boys. He's "on a mission to bring back standards," which I honest to God thought meant, like, production quality standards. That if he got his way, the era of chucker auditions would be gone for good. Sadly, no, Shawn is just another crooner in a dinner jacket. He has a mother and a little brother in tow, and he's also helpfully provided a three-panel poster board detailing what he calls his "life story" but is in actuality just physical evidence of his desperation. The little brother is very motivational-speaker ("I know he has the talent to make it to Hollywood"), and I think Ryan is as awed/appalled by the kid as I am.
When Shawn gets into the audition, Paula carefully scans his sign, and reads aloud the part about "bringing back standards," and then you can see her actually go through the same thought process that I did about what he's actually trying to say. Naturally, I'm very concerned by my newfound mental kinship with Paula. So he sings, and it's the same old crooner bullshit without any of the intangibles. Simon makes fun of him for the tuxedo shtick, and he and Randy meet up at a "singing waiter" joke that's actually pretty on-target. Paula tries to go that same wardrobe route, but doesn't seem to get that it's not the outfit so much as the whole bullshit image he's projecting. They all say "no," and it's funny, because right when Paula gives her vote, Shawn just drops the whole act and is like "aw, come on," and looks remarkably like Ashton Kutcher for 1.5 seconds. As he's leaving, Simon tries to stick with the waiter thing and says, "But I will have a coffee." Which was harsher than it needed to be by a factor of five, and Simon immediately knows it and pulls it back, which I thought showed something. Then stupid Randy asks about the prime rib special, which at this point is both unoriginal and piling on. Stick to calling people "pitchy," Jackson.
Back out in the hallway, though, Shawn's little brother is just getting warmed up. He bitches about how the judges didn't let Shawn finish, and how they made fun of his outfit. "So what, get rid of it and they would accept him in a t-shirt and he would just tear this thing apart and they would accept him? I think it's baloney." Then: "All I have to say is that [Shawn] doesn't need American Idol. I think some day somebody in the music business is going to walk by and then give him a contract, that's what I think. Who needs American Idol?" And I think it's not so much a comment on this particular eleven-year-old, but rather how much all these grown adults who bitch about their own bad auditions sound exactly like this eleven-year-old. It's the closest this show will ever come to nuanced commentary, so we should probably recognize. And the kid said "baloney," how cute was that?
After a montage o' bad props (as opposed to…good props?), we arrive at Richard Garland (25, Mooresboro NC) who…well, sweet Jesus, he's a ventriloquist. Richard is a living embodiment of what I'm going to call the Tragedy of Ventriloquism, which takes on several forms. For one thing, Richard is kind of hot, or else he would be if I could somehow get my mind to un-hear that hellspawn voice that he throws to his dummy. Creepy beyond measure. Oh, but there is this sublime sight gag to be had with Ryan juxtaposed with the dummy, both of them being completely controlled by their masters, and both made of the same plastic materials.
In the audition room, Richard brings the dummy ("Scotty") in a box. Now, the word on the street is that Richard didn't want to bring the dummy inside the room, but he was strong-armed into it by the producers. Which is shitty and puts a whole other veil of sad over what is about to go down, but…this is why you never tell anyone you used to be a ventriloquist. Anyway. Paula starts off by asking what's in the box. Richard explains that from ages eight to fourteen, he was the kid with the dummy, and that "once I got past fourteen it was really uncool to do that, so I thought, 'Heck, I'll bring it in for Paula today.'" Which is fall-out hilarious, because that was my exact experience with Paula herself. Once past the age of fourteen, it was really uncool to own "Forever Your Girl," so I junked it. Richard gives us a little demonstration, and it is clearly freaking Paula out. She is frozen in place and her mouth barely moves when she says, "That's so freaky. And limber, too." Hee. So Richard is going to sing the song he sang to his wife on their wedding day, "Flying Without Wings." And he's great. Kind of breathy and with...what is it, vibrato? Lord knows I can't tell you. But I liked it, and he's certainly Hollywood-worthy, but he brought a ventriloquist's dummy into the audition room. You know how this is going to end. Simon and Randy think it's a good voice for a wedding, and Richard plays the beautiful bride card. Randy says yes to the dummy but no to Richard. Shut up, Randy. So he gets denied. Which is sad, but the lesson, as always, is do not allow yourself to become secondary to a gimmick. Because if you do, three people who have already become secondary to their own gimmicks will reject you.
up is baby-voiced Rhonda Jones (21, Greensboro NC), who has a pink cowgirl hat and a cheerful disposition. She says her mom tells her she sounds like a cross between Carrie Underwood and Britney Spears, but her mom "knows nothing about music, so…" Heh. She sings "As Long As You Love Me" in a voice even higher and squeakier than her own speaking voice, as if that was possible. She's like all three Chipettes from Alvin and the Chipmunks melded together. Simon makes a "the problem was it sounded just like the original" joke that lands with a thud because Paula can't decipher whether he's making fun of Rhonda or the Backstreet Boys. Rhonda makes the argument that she's sweet, cute, and adorable, but Simon counters, "So is Paula, but she's not going through." Heh. Okay, Cowell, I will give you that one. Rhonda wants this "more than a whole bag of Gummi bears," but it ain't happening. Out in the hallway, she emotionally blackmails Ryan into a hug, which is kind of sweet, I guess.
Oh, Christ on Christmas, here we go with Sgt. Steven David, Jr. (28, Dalzell SC). Okay, first of all, the man could objectively be called hot. But between the bald head and the pencil mustache, there's a little too much Jon Polito going on there to feel comfortable. He's also attitudey, to the point of smarmy, and that is a line you need to walk very damn carefully with me. Let's see how he does. He gives his Air National Guard credentials and all three judges are like, "props!" in unison. Then? He focuses on Paula, does this hand motion over his face which is equal parts American sign language for "beautiful" and a pantomime of wiping the sweat of his face and...licking his hand? People, you know I would rather not be telling you this. Paula is aghast/flattered/drunk. Sgt. Steven proposes to her that if he sounds good, then she will come dance with him, and Simon is all too eager to agree on Paula's behalf. Randy's like, "Enough of this escort service shit, what are you singing?" He's singing Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On." Fucking of course he is.
He sings it right to Paula, and he's not awful but he's also not that great. So then, Paula gets all giggly with the "I think I have to go dance with him," and Sgt. Steven -- his eyes squinted down to lecherous slits -- beckons her with his hand, "Let's get it on; Let's love, baby," and his voice goes down to a whisper and he leans in and is like "come on," and it is profoundly uncomfortable. There is flirting with Paula -- a time-honored AI tradition -- and then there is actually asking her to fuck you on national television. Paula is giggling like mad here, and Simon and Randy actually get up, haul her out of her chair, and drag her over to what is now the dance floor, I guess. It's like The Accused all up in there, except that Paula doesn't have the sense that God gave a bunny rabbit (or, you know, Jodie Foster) because she just...starts dancing with him. Danger! Danger, Paula Abdul!
So they're dancing and he keeps singing and she's fanning herself and he's staring at her, and Randy's like, "This is a weird show," and I would tend to agree. So with Paula standing to Sgt. Steven, Simon and Randy start to compliment the dancing and the sign language/sweat lick thing. Paula gets kind of stern-faced and wants them to talk about the vocals. Yeah, because he's totally there for his vocals and not his scorched-earth, GHB-laced charisma. Simon says the vocals were "good-ish," to which Stockholm Syndrome Paula counters with "very good," and Randy says yes, too. So Paula gives Sgt. Steven the high sign for Hollywood, and then (what, you thought it was over?) I swear to you it looks for a second like he's going to bury his bald head in her breasts, but instead he's just getting low so when he hugs her he can pick her up in the air. He carries Paula out the door to the hallway where...his wife is waiting. Weirder! And then Ryan pops up in the door frame like a cartoon character and is like "he's married!" Paula gives an obligatory scandalized expression, hugs the both of them, and gives the wife a good kiss on the cheek. As she heads back to her seat, Paula tells Sgt. Steven, "Don't ever do that, you are a married man, I do not feel right about that!" You and me both, lady.
Out in the hallway, Ryan is trying to talk to the wife about how she feels to have her husband try and fuck Paula like that, but effing Sgt. Steven still has his head inside the doorway schmoozing it up with the judges. Ryan, bless him, drags him out into the hallway, saying, "Come on! Before you wear out the welcome with those guys." The wife clarifies her ends-justify-the-means stance on matters. Back inside, Paula is in a daze, and says "he can sing his butt off." Like if she can somehow convince herself of that, the stink of shame will dissipate. Ryan's voice-over brings us to the AI motif: family. Comforting, celebratory, screechy families. We see Halicia Thompson (27, Eden NC) leading her massive family up a flight of steps, and at first she seems humorless about it all, but I'm thinking that's gotta be nerves, because when she enters the audition room, she's all smiles and energy. She gives her own personal rundown to the judges: she's the mother of an eleven-year-old, and she says she "takes care of the community," which I'm not 100% sure what that means, but it sounds exhausting. She sings the theme song to A Different World, which makes me so irrationally happy with her. It's crazy meta, with the lyrics about family standing behind her and this being a different world than where she comes from. But I was too busy thinking about Dwayne Wayne's flip-up sunglasses and whatever became of Jasmine Guy to care. She sings it well, and Simon calls her a "natural." Halicia informs Simon of her intent to kiss him, and breaks out a plastic shower cap (this show, I swear) in case Simon would rather not have his beautiful face contaminated by Halicia's lips. See, this is good flirting. Weird flirting, but good. Simon doesn't need any plastic, and she gives him a sweet kiss on the cheek. Halicia is on to Hollywood with a "hallelujah!" and then she completes this segment's trip back to 1991 with some Arsenio Hall-style dog pound barking. Outside, her family freaks the hell out, and it's awesome. It culminates with Halicia chest-bumping a decidedly larger male relative. The first chest bump yields no permanent injuries, but the second knocks Halicia straight on her ass. She does not care.
Elsewhere in the lobby, Ryan is chatting up this tall, spiky-haired, skinny, cute as hell boy and his also cute mother. The guy, Donny Meacham (19, Alpharetta GA), sang in the Atlanta Boys Choir when he was eight and Mom says that was the last time she's heard him sing. Ryan figures this must be exciting for her to get the chance to hear him sing again after eleven years. Donny jokes that his mom listening in on his audition is going to make him nervous. He is crazy dorky and I love him. He trots out in front of the judges all energetic-like. Randy asks him if he's really the best undiscovered talent in America. Donny says, "I think I am, and I hope that I am, and I hope that y'all think I am." Yes, Donny, but do you want them to know that you want them to know? He sings "Bridge Over Troubled Water," only he doesn't, really. He can't hold a note, so everything is uh-hup a-hand dow-hown like that. It is a first-degree manslaughter, and Simon tells him so. I can't tell whether Donny is actually delusional or just going through the motions because he knows he sucks and just wants to be on TV. I would so much prefer the latter. Paula tells him he's not a singer, and he starts to put up a fight before he realizes he doesn't want to be that guy. But he still has all ten fingernails in his mouth when Simon tells him he's "being kind" when he says to change career paths. I don't know what to make of you, Donny Meacham. He leaves the room to the sounds of Paula and Randy arguing if it's shitty of Simon to call for a yes-or-no vote when the answer is clearly no. It's dumb, and Donny slinks off lest the dumb rub off on him. In the hallway, Ryan wonders if the ten-year hiatus from singing may have contributed to it. See, I think Donny knew he wasn't going anywhere and Ryan is in on the joke. I think.Ryan's VO keeps with the family theme and introduces us to Kendra Winston (24, Greensboro NC). Check out the bio on Kendra: She grew up in foster care and group homes; she was a ward of the state; she tells Ryan she has moved homes forty-two times; she became emancipated at fifteen; she had three children, two with her no-account husband; she put her husband out, and within a year got her GED, got a scholarship, and started college; and from there, she saved up and got herself and her kids out of public housing. Somewhere in there, I think I stood up and applauded Kendra Winston. Which probably means I'm a sucker for this show. Honestly, though, I love this girl. And I love her even more because right before she enters the audition room, as she and Ryan are finishing up their pep talk segment, my girl puts her arm on Ryan's shoulder, gets all serious, and says, "I just wanted to tell you how hot you really are." Then, deadpan and barely above a whisper, she repeats, "How hot you are." Then she falls out giggling as Ryan says they'll probably edit that out. Y'all, that was a fantastic thing to see, and I will tell you why. Because the corollary to Jacob's rule about Ryan having no genitalia of any kind is that no one else with genitalia of their own can have real feelings for him. It's the Little Mermaid bargain he made when he got this gig. And Kendra is in on this, I think, which is what made the whole "how hot you are" thing so funny, for her and for us.
Anyway, Kendra steps in front of the judges with her Seacrest afterglow on. Simon says she looks like a young Whitney, to which she squeals that everybody has been saying that since she did her hair up curly. She used to get Tyra, but never Whitney until recently. I can see the Tyra, what with the five-head and all. But if you ask me, and this is coming from Kendra's new best friend if she'll have me, the only thing the curls suggest to me is Larry Fine from the Three Stooges. It actually gives the illusion of balding. Whatever. She sings "Aint No Mountain High Enough," and while Randy notices some "up in the nose" issues, he and Paula both say yes. Simon says he would have said no, to which Kendra says, "Good thing is it doesn't matter, 'cause I'm going." And it tells you all you need to know about Kendra when I say that the panel busts out laughing at this, including a big smile from Simon. Kendra flips out and spins around for a second, and then centers herself with "...and I'm calm." Which I found shticky and annoying, but then you can see a grin peek out as she hits the door, so we're cool again.
Okay, so then Kendra goes out into the hall where her kids and friends are, and she literally goes right past the kids to hug the friends, then goes right past the kids again in search of Ryan ("where's my boyfriend?"). Ryan has to actually point out to Kendra that her kids are happy for her, at which point she kind of fakely hugs the three of them, and then jokes, "This means I'm leaving you. Bye-bye." Was that all deeply weird? Yes. Does it change my opinion of her? No. No, it does not.Back from the commercial break, Ryan's giving some cliché-o-meter spiel about stepping up and delivering, which for no reason I can think of brings us to Kenneth "Chase" Bush (20, Richmond KY). Chase is a big guy with a round face, a lavender shirt, and Seacrest hair. He gives props to Kelly, because you kind of have to, and says that he thinks the winner of AI 5 is going to blow her out of the water. Which you'd think would mean he was going to blow Kelly out of the water, but he totally doesn't believe that. He sings "I Have Nothing" and all of a sudden it's another effeminate boy singing Whitney Houston, but I think the fact that this song doesn't involve him crowning himself queen lessens the blow to Simon's sensibilities. He's pretty okay in the sense that he had all the trappings of being a chucker, but he's really not. You can see Paula kind of struggling with the dissonance here, but she eventually arrives at the conclusion that Chase has a "pleasing" voice. Randy says, complimentarily, that he sounds like a young Wayne Newton. Simon goes to the "I picture you wearing a dress" place, because he has run out of ideas. And...look, there are men who audition for AI who do sing in a feminine way. But the two who we have seen Simon encourage to go drag haven't sung that way. Charles Berry from last week sounded like any of the thousand Stevie Wonder wannabes from last season. Chase sounds kinda Broadway, but it's dude Broadway. But Simon sees the lavender and just...well, sees lavender, you know? Chase starts to be like "I will not wear a dress for you," until he reconsiders mid-sentence and is all, "unless you want me to wear a dress." Oh, Chase. Almost. There is talk of yellow chiffon and shoes and whatnot, but Chase has already kind of lost me. The funny thing is that Simon is actually really cool here, and nicer than the dialogue would lead you to believe. He votes no, but you can tell he's not displeased when Randy and a wheedled Paula say yes. Welcome to Hollywood, Chase. Better firm up that resolve.
Oh, and in the midst of Simon's sartorial recommendations to Chase, he managed to pull out the old "I'm not saying that to be rude" saw, which has become like punctuation to him. Like a comma. The show has noticed this as well, so Seacrest leads us on a montage o' "rude," to show that Randy Jackson isn't the only judge who can pound a word or phrase six inches deep into the wood. Speaking of pounded six inches deep (…oh, ew), meet Chonna Clepper (20, Quinlan TX). Chonna and Ryan engage in some scripted "banter" about how short he is, and he thinks he's average height, and Chonna miraculously seems to know what the average height is, and Ryan ain't it, and Ryan gives it a go with the deadpan Jack Benny reaction, but I ain't buying it for a second. So Chonna goes before the judges, and tells them (as if they hadn't already been pre-briefed) that her mom is a dancer. A stripper dancer. Which the judges all respect, because they saw that Metallica video that one time. Chonna is actually really sweet, I think, but the reality of the situation is that she's wearing a pink leopard print bikini, with strips of the leopard hanging down from the top and the bottom. She's basically the world's whoriest bead curtain, and that's not even getting into the black, sheer vampire cape she's wearing. So she sings a Faith Hill song called "Bring Out the Elvis," which I could have sworn was the song that Celena Rae got eliminated on last season. Except it was not Celena Rae but Lindsay Cardinale who sang it (as if there is any qualitative difference between the two). And it wasn't even this song, but something called "I Try to Think About Elvis," which is amazing to me. How many country songs can there be that use Elvis as a metaphor for sex?
She's not awful. You can see how she may have thought that she was good enough to audition for this. But Simon can't even look at her while she's singing, so that's a bad sign. Paula actually says something cool and noteworthy here, which is that Chonna has a "raw" quality to her voice that, with vocal lessons, could be cultivated into something special. That's not even cleaned up, that's what Paula said. I'd mention something about sunshine and a dog's ass, but Paula's been through enough today. It's a "no" for Chonna, but the judges are kind and tell her she's got something she can work with for the future, and she takes it well and is sweet. After she leaves, Simon tries to blame Chonna's "lingerie" on America as a whole, which I thought would elicit a smack from Paula but didn't. Probably because she was too busy crossing off "Grammy Awards dress" and writing "lingerie -- even better!" under the "Pink Leopard Print" heading on her note pad.
The "End of Day One" montage is set to what sounds suspiciously like a "Macarena" knock-off. Lord have mercy, do not let the Pimpmercial folks get their hands on that song! The common thread here is that there are girls getting through to Hollywood, but not any guys. Or, as Ryan VOs it, "There were plenty of Fantasias, but where were the Clays?" Which gives me a vision of this American Idol theme restaurant where the women's and men's bathrooms are cutesily labeled "Fantasias" and "Clays." And for the men it would be very confusing, like what happens with a straight guy in a gay bar who has not the first clue how to negotiate the bathroom situation. "Is there a third option?" So it's this parade of sucky dudes, including a bird-like guy who just throws up his arms like "what can you do?" and this salmon-clad kid with a serious, Spaceballs-helmet-level bowl cut who sings about "why haven't I heard from you?", to which Simon reacts appropriately. So this skin-headed kid named Brandon Haithcox (23, Randleman NC) steps up to audition , and holy shit, you guys! It's the kid who shot President Bartlet in the first season of The West Wing! He's crazy nervous (probably knows I'm on to him), and sings Uncle Kracker (sigh) with some Michael Jackson yelps in there. Simon calls him on it, and he's like, "I don't have to sing it that way," but the fact remains that he did. It's three "no" votes, and Paula throws in a "be more confident" as Brandon sulks out of the room without looking at any of them. By the elevators, Brandon and his mom -- who I swear is Beverly D'Angelo's character from American History X (it's all falling into place now) -- talk shit about AI in the usual manner. Mama D'Angelo goes on to say that if Brandon had been wearing "famous clothes," he would have made it, no question. So, what, like if he wore J-Lo's Versace dress? Jackie O's pillbox hat? How famous would the clothes have to be to get your rotten kid to Hollywood, Bev? Sorry, I just hate assassins.Ryan VOs us into our montage: nervous people. Paula tells this one denim-intensive dude to "drop [his] nerves," which is a neat way of putting it, if very Paula. "Drop your nerves! Calm the attitude!" This one flustered woman we see is wearing some sort of jumper (?) in which the straps are question marks and in the middle it says "Hollywood," like she called up Macy Gray for fashion advice the night before. Jeffrey "Ryan" Baysden (27, Salter Path NC) is tied to this segment extremely tenuously, in that he's actually not nervous at all. From where I sit, he has accent issues, meaning it took me far longer than I should have to arrive at the conclusion that he was southern. There was some Brooklyn in there and, call me crazy, some Britain, too. Anyway, he sings "God Bless the Broken Road," and I am not liking it. He reaches all the notes but he never seems to stay there very long…I don't know. The judges think I'm an idiot, though. Simon calls him the first Ryan he's met with talent (ba-dum). Randy says he has an "Alan Jackson / Randy Travis thing" going on, which is probably true and probably why I didn't like it. Paula likes his "quiet confidence" and his "natural" quality, which is all just dancing around the fact that he is hot. He's going to Hollywood, and as he exits the room we do have a grandmother. Memo to Pa Pickler: they're not going to give up without a fight. And they will cut you.
Cedric Robinson (22, High Point NC) is supposedly "related to" Fantasia Barrino. Now, that's some fuzzy language right off the bat. I'm "related to" half of Western New York because portions of my family are both Catholic and Irish. So I'm well-versed in the language of third and fourth cousins and "that lady is your great-grandmother's grand-niece through marriage." So "related to" doesn't necessarily mean Fantasia has ever met Cedric in her life. At least, I hope not, because Cedric is awful. I do not advocate Simon using the "wear a dress" line as a put-down in the first place, but if he's really talking about boys who sing like girls, Cedric is one. And it's a tone-deaf girl besides. Randy's like, "Dude, that was awful." Cedric says he's been singing since he was three years old, like that makes him look any better, and he's sent away. What a pointless way of trying to shoehorn Fantasia into the episode.
Okay, so we see this very pretty young black girl with her family. She is Paris Bennett (17, Fayetteville GA) and she is with her grandmother, who I don't think is crazy, but rather a Grammy award-winning gospel singer. Though I wouldn't exactly rule out "crazy" on account of her bright pink jacket and matching newsboy cap. Paris, by way of contrast, is wearing Chloe Dao blue, which looks fantastic on her. So the grandma's name is Ann Nesby, and she sang for a group called Sounds of Blackness, and I knew none of this before, but Randy Jackson assures me that it's a very big deal. Grandma Ann explains how everyone in Paris's entire lineage was a great singer so, you know, no pressure, kid. Paris has kind of a helium speaking voice, and Paula remarks that she likes it. Paris is also a "yes, ma'am" girl, which Paula has the class not to make about herself ("my mother is 'ma'am'" and all that bullshit) and instead takes it in as part of the raised-right, impeccably groomed entity that is Paris. She starts out by singing "Cowboy Take Me Away" by the Dixie Chicks, which makes me love her instantly. It's a great rendition, too, and Paula notes how different her singing voice is, compared to her speaking voice. Then Paula asks Paris to "bless us" with another song, so she sings Billie Holiday's "Take Five," which is perfect, because it shows diversity and all that good stuff. Not like she hadn't already sewn up Hollywood at this point. Paula actually loses control of her limbs at one point, and it's not due to her chronic pain. The judges sail her on through to the round. Outside, Paris is barely out the door before she drops to the ground, freaking out and crying. The door kind of hits her on the shoulder, in fact. She can barely stand up. Ryan gets really cool here in that way that Jacob loves, and he asks her if she wants to get down on one knee. I'm thinking (hoping) that Paris was too young to realize how much of a ringer she was, because this reaction seems genuine, despite how much of a fait accompli it all was.We slideshow our way through other Hollywood-bound auditioners at the end of day one: guy in bubble jacket; jumpy girl who reminded me of ANTMBrittany; and cowboy hat dude with a bad high-school-senior mustache.
So. All through this episode, we've been shot to commercial with promises of this awful girl in a blonde wig and silver tube top who may in fact be an actual hooker. She will eventually become Rhonetta goddamn Johnson, and we'll certainly get to her later on. But she's been pimped at every commercial break with bits and pieces of her upcoming psychotic break. This time it's special, and it won't be replayed later, so I will recap it for you: So Rhonetta is going off on AI, Paula, whatever, and then she looks right into the camera and spits the following: "I'm still gonna be famous, 'cause guess who told me? Ten of my motherfucking psychic friends told me that!" There is head-waggling going on throughout. I have no clue how Seacrest did not bust out laughing at that, but he puts out his arm onto her shoulder like that is all that is keeping him from losing his shit. At least, that's how I would have been. Ten of her motherfucking psychic friends, y'all. That was fantastic.
Day Two starts off with Simon's birthday, and all the principals wheel in a cake. Ryan makes the obligatory "Happy 50th!" joke, and it's all he and Simon can do to resist slathering each other in icing. I'm already tired just thinking about how I'm going to deal with their whole "I love you, don't touch me" bullshit this season. I've got Todd Haynes and Gregg Araki on ice, just in case I need them, that's for damn sure.
Marcus Behling (22, Powder Springs GA) enjoys orange shirts with popped collars, dancing like a fool, and having a smile as big as all of Greensboro. He's been told this his vocal style is "different" (here we go), and he has won "approximately" ten talent shows, three (again, "approximately") in the last year. There are red flags all over my TV screen right now. He is very handsome and put together when he goes before the judges, but when he starts to sing "She's Out of My Life," by Michael Jackson, it all goes to hell. First line: "She's out oooooooooooooof my liiiiiiiiiiiiiife." It lasts a King Kong amount of time. Terrence Malick is even like, "Damn!" When Marcus finally comes up for air, the judges start to laugh, but he's is not done. Nobody knows exactly what to do, especially when Marcus starts to pantomime to the lyrics ("cryyyyyyyy…"). Randy cannot contain himself. Paula doesn't move an inch, lest her weave fall completely out her head. Simon: "What the hell was that?" Everybody is having a ball with this. The only thing putting a damper on this is that Marcus does not know how bad he is. If he had managed to own that, this all would have been perfect. Not that it doesn't get exponentially better, because when Simon asks him if he's ever had vocal lessons, he says that he got the Randy and Paula DVD. Jackpot. The room explodes in laughter, and Simon looks like Santa, the Easter Bunny, and Christina Christian just showed up and gave him a basket full of money. This is the greatest moment in his entire life.
Okay, just so you know, the rest of this segment continues on in the following manner: the judges are having an absolute ball, while Marcus is still under the false impression that he even exists anymore beyond his new role as water pistol for Simon to squirt Randy and Paula with. He keeps trying to plead his case; meanwhile Simon is, like, sounding off noisemakers and shaking Marcus's hand and kissing babies and making out with sailors on V-J Day. Simon: "Does it come with a money-back guarantee?" I have never seen so much pure joy on Simon's face. Randy asks Marcus to sing again, and it's more with the endless vowels, and then Randy does the one really shitty thing in this segment. He says, "Marcus, you have no singing talent. I don't care what teachers, what DVD, it's not going to help you. That's why it didn't help you." Don't try and salvage your sales at the kid's expense, you asshole. Roll with the joke and put him out of his misery. The judges are all laughing too much to take a proper vote, as Simon keep deferring to the two judges with a "vested interest" in this. Paula tries to bright-side things, telling Marcus that he's a handsome kid and should maybe try modeling. Simon: "Randy's got a modeling DVD coming out." Hee. Marcus finally leaves after getting the no votes. Simon says it's the best birthday he's ever had. He's glowing, like he's the prettiest girl in the Easter parade. Outside, Marcus takes a hammer to the "infamous DVD," which is blurred out, because this show doesn't pay the rights fees for anything unless it has to.
Montage o' Crazy People (the theme: "personality") brings us to Jimmy Crabtree (24, Mebane NC), who the show wants you to know is the most boring person in the history of history. And, okay, he's kind of dead-eyed, but I don't think he really warrants the grim reaper music they're playing for him. He talks about meeting a girl at a bar when she heard him sing...and she wants him to sing at her wedding. It's kind of endearing, actually, how he tells that story without self-pity, but rather with a "so that's an opportunity for me to sing" attitude. Sue me, I like him. He sings "Bless the Broken Road" with his eyes welded shut, and it's awful. He has absolutely no control over his twang, for one thing. It just pops up whenever it feels like it. Simon says he has the personality of a hippo, which pretty much embodies my biggest irritation with Simon. I don't care that he makes fun of shitty auditioners. That's the show, at least for the first few weeks. It's just..."personality of a hippo" a) makes no sense, in and of itself; and b) is not at all accurate in this case. Rhonetta goddamn Johnson has the personality of a hippo: loud, foul, and apt to run you the fuck over. Jimmy Crabtree has the personality of that kid you went to high school with who's super-quiet, everybody likes but no one hangs out with, and always has a girlfriend. Say he has the personality of a tree stump. Whatever. "Hippo" just confuses people. Keep this in mind during the semi-finals, Simon, when you're comparing every third contestant to a singer in a (insert nationality here) nightclub. Randy and Paula both tell him to stop singing forever, and Paula mentions how he really needs to open his eyes and all. Bullshit funeral music plays him out the door. We're introduced to Sammy Neighbors (22, Providence NC) in the lobby, where he is fake catwalking and crawling around on the ground like Madonna. He's got this halo of curly hair -- not unlike Kendra Winston's, actually -- and his eyebrows are waxed and penciled to within an inch of their lives. And he's all set to blow our minds with how fabulous he is, until he interviews with "I go to the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, and I'm just...a crazy person!" Aw, Sammy. So close to having an actual personality! "I'm crazy" does not count an actual personality unless you work in casting for Bunim-Murray. Sammy corrects Ryan that his name is not "Sam," and says he'll be the American Idol because he is "raw" (or "rah"? The closed captioning says "raw," but I could go either way, frankly). He certainly does the model walking with a lot of conviction, I will give him that. So he goes before the judges and starts to unfurl his little red blanket he brought with him. Paula asks if he's going to do a magic trick, with honest-to-god wonder in her voice. Sammy puts as much lechery into his voice as possible and says "maybe." Sammy makes me nervous. Sammy is like my own version of Sgt. Steven David, Jr. I want him to stop looking at me like that. So he sings that awful song from Aladdin that was part of the "Peabo Bryson will sing duets for food" era of the early '90s, and he's half misconceived sex kitten and half Mary Katherine Gallagher. The latter was intentional, as we'll see later on. You can't critique the singing because he doesn't really sing. So that makes things easier. Then he starts with some "Straight Up" and Paula gives this priceless look off-camera like she's trying to deny responsibility for this whole scene. Sammy shakes a lot and ad libs an "all I'm doin' is having fun," and it's harmless, but it's also rather boring. This is American Idol, Sammy! You're not the only attention-starved extrovert in your social circle anymore. Step up or step off, you know? Simon calls him "Sylvester Stallone's younger sister," but even his heart isn't in it. He just wants this over with, as do I. Sammy gets what he wants in Paula calling him "fabulous," so I guess everyone is happy.
Tyra Juliette Schwartz (24) is from New York City, and she tells Ryan her tale of woe. She called her boyfriend at some unspecified time during the "last couple of weeks" to thank him for all his support, and the girl he was cheating on her with answered the phone. Doesn't Alicia Keys have something to say with regard to this matter? Jacob? ["I believe I said don't start, sir." -- Jacob] All this happened to her when she was recovering from surgery. Look, that's a nice story and all, and Tyra seems like a nice person and I have sympathy and all that. But after seeing Kellie "At Least Joey Potter's Mom Had The Courtesy To Die" Pickler and Kendra "Ward of the State" Winston? Girlfriend had no idea what she was getting into. She trots out in front of the judges and trades intros with Paula ("You're Tyra Juliette?" "And you're Paula Abdul!") and is very likeable. She sings "In the Still of the Night" very cleanly and prettily. Everybody compliments her voice, but Simon isn't sure he's looking at a star. Honestly, Tyra would be well-served by a makeover, I think. Nothing drastic, just something that'll keep her hair out of her face. Tyra then proceeds to talk a real good game about being willing to work for this, and how this is an opportunity she's proud to have. Simon thinks she'll "brush up well," and I agree. He tells her she has a "very nice voice." And Tyra says "thank you, that means what?" I think she kinda lost Simon there. Nobody likes that "so am I going to Hollywood or what?" thing, Tyra. It's Simon's show, let him play it out at his pace. Paula pulls her feet out of the fire by saying, "That means I like your voice, [Simon] likes your voice…" and Randy loves her voice. I have to say, Paula did a really good emcee job in Greensboro. Drunk Paula is fun, too, but it's nice to see what she can do with her wits about her.Outside, Ryan is telling a speechless Tyra how she can "meet a new guy in Hollywood." Then the Seacrest VO of Awful Segues spins off "meet a guy" into what can only be described as the Montage o' Ugly Dudes. We see denim guy with the dropped nerves, salmon-shirted bowl cut, Mama Cass, Dennis Rodman, (vote for) Pedro, and this poor unfortunate soul dressed like Michael Jackson. This is Seth Strickland (22, Rome GA), who allegedly sings "Thriller," as Vincent Price spins in his grave. Could someone just audition with that part of "Thriller"? That would be killer. I'd love to see "Humpty Dance" girl from last week do that shit. "And whosoever shall be found / without the soul for getting down." That's poetry, y'all. Anyway, Seth keeps messing up and starting over again and spinning around and going up on his toes. He eventually does a moonwalk, which is I guess what we were all waiting for. Then he starts singing "She's Out of My Life," and after Marcus, you just can't do that song bad enough to be a blip on the radar. You know who Seth kind of sounds like? The Fine Young Cannibals guy. Where he's singing from an air pocket in the back of his throat, or whatever. Regardless, he's a chucker, and not a very interesting one at that. ?
Jordan Southerland (24, Beulaville NC) is dressed in his father's firefighter uniform. He's a hulking sort of guy, receding hairline and rosy cheeks. Really sweet, from the bits of him we see. He's singing "You Raise Me Up" by Josh Groban -- which: minus a million points -- but he's actually pretty good. You can see Paula start to look off to the side and giggle until she realizes that he's not the awful singer she thought he'd be. Because he comes in the packaging of someone who would be awful. You can't yet peg all the normally-dressed auditioners as the good ones, but among the people who come dressed for Halloween, 99 out of 100 will be car wrecks. Jordan is not. He's more of a nice guy than he is a good singer, though. He sold me when he met Randy's lame "fire in the hole!" line with a barked "bring the heat!" which instantly turned Randy's dumb comment into this football huddle solidarity thing. This kid can win friends and influence people, I think. Randy hauls out the season's first "I thought it was oh-kay," which I am fucking thrilled to hear, let me tell you. Christ. Randy's a "no," but Paula is a "yes." Simon goes the "sorry, but I'm going to agree with...Paula" route, and it's tough to tell who is more pleasantly surprised by this, Paula or Jordan. Randy tells him he has to bring the fireman's outfit to Hollywood, and then Jordan is awesome again when he looks over to Simon, shakes his head a little, and they both say "no." Simon shoos him off before he can get into gushing about Kelly Clarkson. Heh.
And now the soundtrack goes all AI Sprach Zarathustra and Seacrest VO takes us on a tour of the worst auditioners of all time. I will have to take Ryan's word for it. We see: some baseball-hat-wearing toothpick named Derek (don't remember him); some freak named Keith who apparently sang "Like a Virgin" (ditto); William Hung (sigh); Leroy Wells (wait, the dude with the fronts? I think I did see that one before); and finally Mary Roach, whose episode I never saw and is the only one I regret not seeing. This all leads up to the blonde-wigged, tube-topped, probably-hooker Rhonetta Johnson. If you can picture an even squattier Li'l Kim, you're more than halfway there.
Rhonetta struts down the sidewalk, shows off her tacky silver-sparkly boots, dances in front of the AI backdrop, and then busts what must qualify as a "high" kick, by her squatty standards. It's high enough, however, because with her skirt being as short as it is, the porch door is wide open when she kicks like that. And then, and I wish to God this didn't actually happen, but as she kicks, the silver-sparkly font reading "Rhonetta" comes flying out of her cooch and plasters itself on your TV screen. I think I tried to will that part into not being true, but there it is. She interviews some tired bullshit about everywhere she goes people stop and stare, and girls be jealous of her, and she does some sort of Batusi crap with the fingers across her eyes, and she flashes her cooch again, and dances with a chair. She always dresses "real nice like this," by the way, lest you think it's all just for TV. Ryan interviews her about how much of an asshole she looks like, and off to the side, the Rainbow Brite chick from the top of the show is like, "Even Canary Yellow wasn't that much of a ho." I feel sad for Rainbow Brite, because I get the impression that she had to stand in line with Rhonetta all day.
So she, like, skips into the audition room, singing "Oops, I Did It Again," and Paula is already like, "Here we fucking go." Randy asks her if that's the song she's doing, and Rhonetta says that was just a joke. Randy asks her what her name is, and she picks up "Oops" from where she left off. So, just to clarify, she's an asshole from minute one. Paula clearly hates her, but when Rhonetta says she's nervous, Paula is nice enough to tell her not to be. She tells Paula that, yes, she can be bigger than J-Lo or Janet. "In a way, you already are," says Simon, who refuses to see what a goldmine of insult he's found in Rhonetta and instead opts for the fat joke. The universe just opened up for you, Simon. Try something new! She sings some song I don't recognize about "sweet memories," and she's all Cathouse "sexy" and a constant threat to lift up her skirt at any and all times. Paula can't watch, which I think would be my reaction as well. Rhonetta isn't satisfied, though, and wants to pick another song. She says she's "hoarse," and that her mouth is a little dry (it's a testament to how awful she is that I totally thought she was going to go somewhere else off this comment). Paula offers her some of her "bubbly water," which in any other context would be the funniest thing about the whole segment. time I find myself drinking 90-proof Tanqueray, I'm going to call it "bubbly water," too. Rhonetta looks at Paula like she just scuffed up her clear heels and shakes her head at the offer. Paula's expression at that can be found on Wikipedia under the term "bitch, please." So Rhonetta sings yet another song I don't recognize, and it's more ass (figuratively...for now) and she tries to grin her way out of it. Before Simon can even get his first simile out of the gate, Rhonetta says she can do "much better than this." Simon says that "everything's gone wrong today," which I think means for him, in Greensboro on Day Two, and not for Rhonetta, for whom everything's gone wrong this lifetime. The votes go "never," "no," and "no." So Rhonetta stalks off, with the usual "your loss, I'll make it anyway" talk we've heard a million times before.Then the real "fireworks" happen. ["And this would be precisely the point where I got more jealous of you than I could ever have imagined." -- Jacob] As Rhonetta makes her endless pilgrimage from the audition room to the streets outside, she says the following direct quotes: "They turned down a superstar"; "Paula Abdul aint got shit on me, I don't know who she was standing her nose up to"; "Y'all gonna see me on TV and say, 'Damn, that's the same girl we turned away, and guess what? She hotter than the person who won American Idol. She at the top of the charts, selling more records than American Idol.' That's what they gonna be sayin' "; "If me and Paula Abdul walk outside, nobody would even know she was a celebrity, but they would think I was a celebrity. And that's a fact." Rhonetta sings a little "Straight Up," and says she can do that shit, too. "She old as hell and she she she could never be famous. Tryin' to judge somebody." Rhonetta calls Paula's ass "old," "funky," and "played out." There's a whole lot of repetitive crap that I'm omitting here, because there's really not a ton that we haven't heard before. This isn't the first time people have gone on about how they're all that. This isn't the first time someone's talked shit about Paula. It's probably the first time someone's gone on this long about it, at least on TV. But it's just the same sour grapes, you know? Then, Rhonetta calls out Paula's offer of bubbly water! "You think I'm gonna drink off you, bitch? I know you a celebrity or whatever, you might got more money than me, but I'm not putting my lips on shit of yours. You can drink off me. Bow down, bitch. 'Cause I'm the shit." Okay, that part was a little awesome.
We close with Rhonetta calling out Simon on the sidewalk as traffic rushes by behind her. Every time she curses, we get a car horn bleep. A different car horn every time, which means, yes, there is an "ah-oooga!" in there. Which is nice. With one final "motherfucker," Rhonetta walks out into the street, as the screen fades to black and the audio folks play out their fantasies of Rhonetta getting run down by a Buick.
As we wrap things up in Greensboro, the sing-out is "Fame," which is kind of appropriate, although considering all the hard luck stories we've heard tonight, perhaps "Flashdance (What a Feeling)" would have been more apropos. Among others, we see: DVD Marcus; this 1970s blaxploitation private eye; StripperDaughter Chonna; denim dude (again!); adorable asthmatic Donny; Chipette Rhonda; Fire Marshall Jordan; some pink-clad girl with a huge flower on her shirt, like she's on some hidden camera mission; this Tori Amos looking lady with ratty hair; Halicia Thompson (hey, who let the good singers in?); Scary Sammy; Fantasia Barrino Thrice Removed; and Rhonetta goddamn Johnson. At one point, the screen goes all 24 on us, because that's how many hours they've programmed for this stupid show this week. And we end on Sammy giving us a Mary Katherine Gallagher "Superstar!" Which poor Ryan is forced to parrot as we go into the credits.Wednesday
Ryan Seacrest is hanging out the side of a cable car like the world's wussiest Jeff Probst impersonator. He's in San Francisco, which is the show's only stop on the West Coast this season. So an entire time zone's worth of freaks is promised to us tonight. Ryan is both squinting into the sun and smiling even more aggressively than he normally does. It's unsettling, like's he's had plastic surgery that only the sun can reveal. He shifts to VO, as we see the usual San Francisco staples: Golden Gate Bridge, Alcatraz, cable cars, "be sure to wear some flowers in your hair," Fisherman's Wharf. LaToya London is from here, and last year's San Fran audition brought us Nadia Turner. Man, I loved it when the camera would get all up in Nadia's grill like they show here. Like she was going to eat my heart. Oh, and William Hung got "discovered" here, too. Again with the William Hung? Is this like hazing for the new recapper? As we pan over the throngs of auditioners, we get a punk version of the "flowers in your hair" song. I would rather the show had went with "I Left My Heart in San Francisco," but that one is close to my heart, so perhaps it's best that it's not associated with my American Idol experience.
We get started with three identical-looking blondes in sundresses and leis walking down the street. Anywhere from one to all three of them may in fact be Lauren "LC" Conrad, but the truth of the matter is that Anna Wintour has probably already murdered that girl and eaten her corpse. No, our auditioner here is Heidi Fairbanks (22, Laie HI), who tells us that people "like to call [her] 'Happy Heidi from Hawaii." Not if they like you, they don't. She does a hula for the cameras, of course. Then she flips it on the judges and sings some Verdi. My ear totally wasn't trained for the opera stuff, but she sounds pretty good. Paula is like, "That was beautiful, but sing something we can sell." So Heidi sings "Angels," which I know as a Robbie Williams song, and had no idea Jessica Simpson covered it. So I'm thinking Heidi does a very good rendition of Jessica Simpson's version of the song, considering it sounds like ass. Simon says he loved the first song, hated the second. Simon sums it up the only way he can, which is that she's great with the "classical style" and not very good with the pop stuff, and unfortunately, the pop stuff is what the competition is for. He votes no; Paula agrees she sounded awful on the pop song and still votes yes (lord), so it's up to Randy. Who can go either way when it comes to crushing hopes and dreams, as we will see throughout the night. He dithers for-ever and finally says no. Heidi takes it pretty well, though out in the hallway she tells the camera that "Randy says to pursue opera," in this tone like that's a stupid suggestion. I hope I'm just misreading that, because I don't need any more delusional this week.up is this dude who looks (and kind of talks) like Esther Rolle. He is not a skinny man, that much I will say. The threads on his striped silk shirt have reached critical mass. We see him go to opera training in this velvety track suit that fits him much better. The backstory footage gives the impression that this guy, this Shawn Vasquez (18, Oakland CA), is going to be pretty good. Shawn tells the judges that he doesn't "sing," he "sangs." He "sangs" some Gladys Knight as if Gladys herself was trapped inside his throat, screaming for release. It's scary, a little. Randy is physically injured by this singing. Randy, by the way, is wearing a grandfather clock on his wrist. Which is undoubtedly the latest in bling couture, but to me just comes across like large print books. You can see where Shawn's opera training comes into play, actually, with his mouth wide open and his voice coming from down in his toes, but it's truly awful. His voice cracks like a tree branch at the end, and he owns it, but Randy has to tell him to stop. Paula can't look at him to give her critique, so he starts to sing again, which is like automatic disqualification, you know? If you have to pull that, you've already failed. Simon gives the "one of the worst voices I've ever heard" response that he gives to every third auditioner. He also dubs the voice "almost nonhuman," which is closer to the truth. Randy then becomes a career counselor and wonders what else Shawn can do with his life besides singing. It's over, and as Shawn is exiting, Simon pulls the "hang on: Randy, yes or no?" card, which is a dick maneuver, but it's a dick maneuver directed at Randy and Paula and not Shawn.
Back from the commercials (and the 853rd showing of Kristy Swanson's bloody chin), and we're being told that thus far no one has made it to Hollywood. After wasting some time with a flat iron and a doo-wop group, we arrive at Jose "Sway" Penala (27, South San Francisco CA). Jose is very handsome, bald by choice, and dressed pretty well if you choose to ignore the "Sway" belt buckle he's wearing, and I do. His eyebrows came to play, too. He sings "Superstar," which already means he's going to the round. Lucky for us, he's really good. He's a snapper/arm-waver, which usually annoys me, but not this time. Simon calls him "soulful" and he gets three yes votes and is the "first" San Franciscan to Hollywood. Also getting through are Road Rules Jodi's doppelganger in a suede jacket, as well as a handful of other nondescript singers.
Ryan VOs that the good times are about to come to an end, though. Enter Matthew "Wolfie" Paulson, who I swear to you was just on Beauty and the Geek. With the pants hitched up like that? Okay, so before we get into his audition, I present to you: A Conversation.
Jacob: Matthew "Wolfie" Paulson (21, Elk Grove CA) is a furry. You can quote me on that.
Joe R: And I certainly will.
Jacob: I'm sure people would love to know what a furry is actually like, and now they can. I myself have not met a furry, but I am pretty sure he is one. Like, I would bet a hundred dollars.
Joe R: Do they all button their top button like that?So Matthew "Wolfie" thinks he sounds a little bit like Clay. Not exactly like Clay, but his "voice range is around Clay Aiken's." If you think I'm stepping into the ring with Aiken on my first week, you are sorely mistaken. Matthew tells the judges that he's "Wolfie" because he "love[s] wolves," so, point: Jacob. He sings "Measure of a Man," in nothing resembling a key whatsoever. I am listening to the lyrics to this song for the first time in history. The neutrality of that statement is iron-clad. Wolfie is another one whose voice cracks, at which point the judges stop him outright. Randy invokes, like, the ghost of Clay Aiken in implying that this mythical Clay would not approve of Wolfie's rendition. He is unanimously turned down. But before we're done with this segment, Ryan VOs us into a Clay flashback, where we are asked to compare him side-by-side with Wolfie. So there is Clay Aiken on my TV screen. He is singing. Factual statements. Who is this Kathy Griffin you speak of?
Back from the break, squinty Ryan proposes a hypothetical to us about how if you were in the Air Force serving overseas, but you really wanted to become a professional singer, wouldn't you come audition for American Idol? I love how Ryan has this "yeah, if you had shellshock, maybe" tone in his voice. Ryan's funny when he can't contain his self-loathing anymore. So John Williams (28, Sacramento CA) isn't the composer of the Star Wars theme, unless that John Williams is a skinny black guy with braces. He's got a cadre of family with him, along with his voice coach, and he comes across as very mild-mannered and gives you no indication that he has secretly gone off his meds. He sings a song about a city winking its sleepless eye at you, and he's walking that fine line of not good that could conceivably get him passed on to Hollywood but no farther. But then, once the judges start to get eye-rolly, he stops himself ("hold up, remix"), throws on some shades, and takes off his buttondown to reveal this neo-chain mail garment/thing. He proceeds to beatbox, pop 'n' lock, toss in a Michael Jackson "hoo!" and I think maybe he throws an Ickey Shuffle in there, too. That was a mess. Paula claps, all alone. Randy calls it an "act," and honestly thinks John is some local performance artist instead of an Air Force pilot whose dreams were too big for the cockpit. Simon is having a tough time connecting all the dots that make up John Williams, and says "no." Paula says "yes." Randy says it was like a circus act, and -- here's where it gets interesting -- Simon is like, "Yeah, I thought that was a bit rude." Taking the piss out of Randy for every time that shoe has been on the other foot. Randy and Paula don't seem to get this concept of "sarcasm," though, and try to point out to Simon that it's incongruent for him to talk about rudeness, considering he is the one who is so often rude. Why, I never thought of it that way! So, it is my opinion that Randy was going to deny John, but now, to spite Cowell, he's sending him to Hollywood. Simon doesn't care, because he'll just cut him the round anyway. So John goes to the lobby to freak out with his family, and there are snaggly teeth involved there that will haunt my dreams forever, so let's not dwell on it.The less than three seconds we see of John Williams with his vocal coach bring us to our montage. I have to say, I am a big fan of the tenuous segue, so you will not hear me complain about how these audition episodes are tied together with kite string and scotch tape. So we see a whole bunch of singers with their possibly-overinvested vocal coaches, and the song they've chosen for this segment is "Teacher's Pet," and I freak out more than a little bit. Because I, like most of the rational world, adore Waiting for Guffman, and Parker Posey singing "Teacher's Pet" is up there with the funniest scenes in that movie. That is a funny audition, show. Recognize.
This all leads us to Katharine McPhee (21, Sherman Oaks CA) whose vocal coach is her mother. Mother McPhee is a turtleneck and blazer mom, for whatever that's worth. We get a fast and furious series of clips where Mother is giving instructions, and on the last one Katharine gives this "ladies and gentlemen, my mother" look that is probably warranted from her end, but I'm just seeing a vocal coach doing what a vocal coach does. Mother tells Ryan that her daughter is a "twenty" on a scale from one to ten, and when Ryan demands that she stop thinking like a mother and start thinking like a vocal coach, she bargains down to a ten out of ten. Ryan, as his soul will attest, is no stranger to a bargain. Katharine tells the judges about her mother/voice coach/mother situation, and Simon speaks from what sounds like experience when he's like, "Living vicariously, eh?" It's 50/50 whether Simon is actually expressing concern for Katharine or sizing up a potential influence-peddling rival. She sings "God Bless the Child," and she is trilling all over the place at first. I hate that shit, because it makes me miss the actual words of the song. Which is not a problem if you're, say, Aguilera and you're singing about everybody being beautiful and all. But on "God Bless the Child" I would like to actually listen to the words. Midway through, Katharine either self-corrects or "drops her nerves," or maybe she just front-loaded this arrangement with melisma and that part is over now. Either way, the rest of the song sounds remarkably better. She's a very good singer if she can keep her voice under control. Randy says she's the best voice he's heard yet this season, which is, of course, misleading, since I believe San Francisco was the first audition city. Paula compliments her, and at this point Katharine knows she's in and is barely holding it together. Simon calls her "very current," but he pronounces it like "car-ent" so he has to explain it. She's very "what is happening today," which...what is happening today? Because I thought "My Humps" was happening today. And that was not "My Humps." It's possible Simon just really likes her and is talking out of his ass, but I will not rule out the possibility that Simon is exactly correct and I am just hopelessly out of touch. She gets a ringing endorsement and is off to Hollywood. She's delightful, I could like her.Ryan leads us into yet another parade of chuckers, including polka-dot clad, puffy-faced Eric, who leaves the judges speechless. Ryan introduces "local poet" Shalicia Carlisle (25, Concord CA). She says she "recently discovered a talent I did not know I had," which she says is the singing, but you can already see where this is going. She's got a big Jasmine flower in her hair. Not an actual jasmine bloom, but...you know. She sings about captivity and love, wretchedly, with her eyes closed and moving all around, "feeling" the lyrics and such. She drops onto her knees, but not in a Rhonetta way. Then she turns on a dime, stands up, and starts speaking a poem about "cries from the ghetto." Reading poetry in the middle of a singing audition is in and of itself kind of aggressive -- "you got your little song but now you will listen to me" -- but also the tone of this particular poem is very "get off your fat ass and help the world!" So you can see how she's lost the judges, even apart from the brutal singing. Simon tells her the "choreography was hideous" and Shalicia thanks him. So they ask her to sing something "a bit more cheerful," and Shalicia busts out with some Pussycat Dolls. At which point I start to think this is social commentary and Shalicia might just be smarter than the rest of us. Then she breaks out some Mary J. Blige torch ballad and I am just as quickly disabused of that notion. Lady's just a nut. She tells the judges that she quit her job for this, so after she gets summarily rejected, Simon offers to get her job back for her.
Which he actually does. We cut to the hallway, where Simon has Shalicia's boss on the phone. It's very cute, all of this, and it probably colors my impression of Simon for the rest of the hour. Yeah, his first concern was likely making good TV. But he's clearly enjoying playing the nice guy, for once. He calls Shalicia "absolutely appalling, but one of the best salespeople [he's] ever met." So she gets her job back, absolutely. Simon, hilarious, tells boss lady that he'll call her back. I'm so sure. Still, that was great.
Ryan introduces us to Shawna White (16, Willits CA), who drove three hours from...well I didn't know there even was a Bumfuck, California. Has TV been lying to me with its constant visions of Cali beaches and/or urban jungles? Shawna's dad is with her, and he's got the old man "rocker" look down perfectly, with the long hair and the t-shirt. I remember to thank the lord that my dad became a square when he had kids. Ryan asks Papa John White (or whatever) if he's taught Shawna everything she knows. So then, Papa John (and I swear to god I did not go looking for this) leers down at his daughter and says that "she's teaching me some things now." Ew! Man, I would not have gone to that place if the Whites hadn't dragged me kicking and screaming, but that right there was some Sweet Hereafter kind of creepy. In the audition room, safely away from the lascivious gaze of her dad, Shawna sings "There Are Worse Things I Could Do" (originally performed by Ouisa Kittredge), which is probably your best option if you're going for a Grease song. There are parts of it that are pretty good. Paula and her giant wall of hair would like to hear something more contemporary. So she sings Alicia Keyes, and to my ear it's worse than the Grease song. Paula likes it, though, and Randy is impressed that she's sixteen. Not that way, y'all. Not like her dad is. Ew. Simon says the first song was annoying, "bordering on fingernails going down a blackboard." Randy objects to that, and Paula says some bullshit about "two bars into the song you knew she could sing," to which Simon says nothing, but gives Shawna a "no." So Randy now gets a bug up his ass and is like "Paula, what is wrong with his ears today?" Like Shawna was this clear-cut awesome singer who was not at all borderline. That's why I think the whole rest of this episode is faked up. Simon is just turning down the same kind of maybe/maybe not cases he always does. This isn't a "what's different today?" scenario, Randy. Shawna gets through anyway, because Paula and Randy are soft touches, and Randy keeps harping on Simon. Who honestly doesn't care, because, again, she's not making it past the round anyway. But buckle up, because the rest of this episode is more of the same.
Ryan's VO fills us in on the rich history of singers, dancers, and rappers on American Idol. Under that last heading, they show a clip of the "Humpty Dance" girl from last week, who I have to tell you was my total favorite and I am sad we will never see further iterations of her. Oh, and under "dancers" we see an eighth of a second of the "proof is in the paper" girl, dropping it like it was hot. So there's another tiny piece of that puzzle. This is all a way of introducing "all-terrain entertainer" Marcus Phillips (23, San Jose CA). He talks and acts like a radio DJ. Which should give you a pretty good idea. The "all-terrain" includes the following disciplines: "singer, rapper, songwriter, dancer, comedian, actor," choreographer, photographer, stenographer, violinist, mime, speed walker, amateur jeweler, and ship-in-a-bottle hobbyist. Randy looks like he wants to commit murder. So Marcus starts to sing "This Little Light of Mine," and it's like...remember when Tracy Morgan was on Saturday Night Live? When he would play women? Or that "Yeeesss?" guy on The Simpsons? With the high, cracked voice? That's Marcus. The judges then demand to hear the rap. Which is still in the falsetto, and even worse than the singing, and is not even rap. Randy tries to speak real words but cannot. Then Marcus tries to do some stepping, then some beat-boxing, and it's all part of the kaleidoscope of suck that is Marcus Phillips. He talks really fast and calls Paula "pretty lady," like he wants Paula to play three-card monte. He's actually really cool when they shoot him down, so points for him. Just don't let him get you to pick the red queen. Jane Santayana (19, Vallejo CA) is a college student who is dressed like Rayanne Graf. She sings "Sweet Love" by Anita Baker, and I will say with all due embarrassment that the after the first two notes I thought she was singing "Inside Your Heaven." Like maybe the sight of Carrie's picture on the set just hypnotized Jane into singing it. I'm almost positive someone far smarter than me has said this before, but attempting Anita Baker is just not advisable. Her voice is so distinctive that if you do well, it sounds like you're doing an impersonation, and if you do poorly, there is fire and wreckage. So it's tough to say how well Jane does, but Simon isn't that impressed. He says the song was "too big" for her, which I can see. Randy puts on the asshole pants again and tries to start a fight, saying that Jane is saying "oh, really" because she doesn't agree with what Simon said. And Jane, to her credit, does not want any part of that, and she even concedes a little to Simon. Randy tells Jane that Simon is "having an off day," while Simon just sits there and smiles the smile of "wow, you're being an ass right now." Randy continues to rag on Simon, who doesn't argue back, ever, as a rule. Though Simon does tell Jane that "Beethoven and Mozart are going to put [her] through." I would have put her through, too, but I think her voice was borderline enough to warrant Simon's skepticism. I start to wonder, too, with this being the first audition city, chronologically, if there is a power struggle aspect to this. That Randy and Paula are trying to set a tone this season where their opinions are valued more than they have been, and they need to discredit Simon a little to do so. It's a theory, I guess.
Ryan's VO isn't concerned with the power politics of it, though. He just wants to see them fight. So we get a fake ring bell, and it is awwn. Randy keeps telling the auditioners that Simon is having an off day. Simon keeps saying he's not. We get quick clips of these really borderline auditioners who honestly could go either way. I'm repeating myself, because I do not get what is so hard to understand. Everybody continues to play along the same dynamic there has always been (Simon is harsh, Paula is nice, Randy votes based on how cool it'll make him look), but now all of a sudden this is weird? Simon tells this one girl that she has no singing voice at all, and Randy responds with "no, no, she has a voice. It's just not...pleasant." Randy Jackson: Your advocate for unpleasant voices. Simon tells another girl that she was "excellent," and Randy tries to nitpick about "excellent" versus "pretty good." Again, I'm seeing power struggle. It just devolves from there. Simon thinks Randy is "winding [him] up," then he calls a girl "Kelly" when her name is "Cheri." You can tell he's already kind of checked himself out.
Enter Deborah Dawn Tilley (27, Ely NV). First of all, I am so sure she's 27. Twenty-seven years sober, maybe. She does kind of have that "rock against drugs" school assembly band look to her ("You can't rock the show with blow," and so forth). She's got this giant mane of ratty hair, tinted glasses, and is wearing what just might be a burlap sack. She's singing "Shake a Tail Feather," not that you'd be able to recognize it. She's like the worst music/art teacher you could ever have in high school. Paula says she's a "bit much," but she of course says "yes," because that's her role. Randy's leaning towards a "no," but he doesn't commit yet. Simon says she looks like somebody's mother dressing up like Cher for a costume party. See, I liked his line from Tuesday's previews more ("You look like a mother trying to pass for a daughter"). Randy gives his "no," and Simon wants to hear her sing with his eyes shut. Which is not that outlandish a suggestion. Lady looks like a trash heap; maybe she would come off better if you were just hearing the voice. Paula flips a switch here, and says that's what Simon said about Clay Aiken. Randy gives this totally taken aback "ooh!" I love how, even on the actual show, Aiken is "he who must not be named." It's like a pall falls over the proceedings whenever he's invoked. This happened with Wolfie, too.
Simon and Paula get into a slapfight about two different things: 1) whether Simon said that about Clay; and 2) whether Paula was there when Clay auditioned. They're both talking about completely different things, and Paula actually still seems pissed about the comment, which is ri-donk, in terms of not letting shit go. Paula's response is to turn her chair away from Simon. Somewhere in the middle of all this, Deborah Dawn is dismissed. Everybody's at the end of their rope right here, and one more "Simon's having a bad day" from Randy is all Simon needs. He walks out. Again, it could read like a power play here -- removing yourself in order to salvage the upper hand. Okay, it more easily reads like he's pissed and doesn't want to get into a screaming fit on camera. Either way, he exits the room, then the building, and climbs into his limo, not to return. Randy is still at the table, and says, "Let's just get through it." Oh fuck off, Jackson, like you didn't set this whole thing in motion anyway.
Stupidly, we have one more auditioner left. Manuel Viramontes (21, Los Banos CA) is doing shots of Tabasco sauce out in the lobby. Oh…kay? He goes on for ever and a day about this card he has of his patron saint, and his mom couldn't have babies and then she had Manuel so now he's asking his patron saint to help him advance on a reality show. Okay, one: Savol's Fake Jesus ain't got shit on St. Manuel. And two: Nobody told this kid that all the human interest tales were directed to Greensboro this season? Manuel stalls forever and kisses his damn saint picture, and I hate him a lot, so when he ends up singing like a Muppet with Parkinson's, I'm somewhat gratified. The only good thing here is the reaction shot of Simon's empty chair. I think I saw it roll its eyes. This kid is aggressively, in-your-face awful. Randy nearly has to physically restrain him from singing anymore. "No" and "no." Done.
Eighteen people make it to Hollywood from San Francisco. The Cars sing "Just What I Needed." Ryan wonders if Simon will "get over it" in time for Vegas week. The preview footage makes short work of that suspense: uh, yeah, Simon's back. Dare we dream of finding the Mikalah Gordon? If we do, Jacob will surely let you know.
Outcrest, seek. (Aw, dammit.)