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Group sing: "Emotions," Carrie and Bo mostly taking the lead, except for a lovely and terribly off-key set of runs and ranging around that made me sure Vonzell would be going home. Also, Scott rubs our faces in our future with some bullshit fucked-up falsetto. Why can't these kids sing with each other? What's the problem? Then there's the dorkiest but also best pimpomercial ever, with A-Fed Eurovisioning it up around a house in different costumes. It's weird.
Tonight's loser got 35 million votes in the season's entirety. That's a lot of dialing, y'all. Vonzell is our Number One Goat because even though she made Randy feel proud and Paula magical, Simon's right. Similarly, Carrie is the obvious first Sheep, even though she made Randy feel "off" and made Paula feel: nothing. You know what I feel? Unsurprised by this whole paragraph. Bo was a "true rock star" and "incredible," and A-Fed was "impressive" and "did his best job yet," and Simon opted out basically on both, and you know where they go. This is so non-suspenseful. �For now! Scott and Constantine are left on the couch for the break. Man. That's like my least favorite couch ever. I want to beat it up!
Scott and Constantine get fake Huffed, and it's radically revealing of stuff we already know: Constantine joins the Sheep, but is dorky and self-conscious about it, Scott lumbers over to the Sheep with his cosmic-sized entitlement in hand, and Vonzell and Anthony bust out, because this sucks for them hilariously. And because they are cool. Everybody in America laughs because Scott is stupid and deluded and they want to see his brains extruded. Carrie doesn't know what the hell to do with her face, because she can't be happy right now, but everybody's laughing, so it's confusing.
Ryan leads the group to make fun of Scott for being retarded and discarded, but it's a fast one indeed that he is pulling, because Constantine's mistaken, and is in reality a Goat. He gives the hair quite a workout as he makes his way over across, and his co-Goats continue to giggle about the rich pageantry of it all. Say what you like, but I can't imagine either of them doing a pathetic stunt-bitch about this show later. You know? Eliminate them -- or even Carrie, in the world of make-believe -- and they'd be like, "What a fun time I have had in L.A. I will bring home t-shirts for my family." The end. None of this half-naked Jim Verraros makeover hissing and spitting.
Carrie now looks like somebody killed her dog and then dumped her and then burned her copy of Dirty Dancing, all on her birthday. She will look this way for the remainder: lost and confused and bummed and quiet and hurt. Randy doesn't know why the hell this is happening, Ryan spells the word "wow" for us, and then Simon mentions something interesting: Scott's getting 6-8 million votes a night, and that's good enough to keep him in. This week, he did better than three other people, and that freaks me out. The top three all have fan bases that would vote insanely for them if they went up there and sang Pootie Tang's smash hit single, "_____," and I thought Constantine had that same fan base, but not so much. But like, Scott does, though. You know?
Vonzell's safe, so it�'s Constantine and A-Fed on the Seal. They both look freaked, and I'm sad, because I hate Constantine and little A-Fed, I don't know why the hell he�s here, but I'm sad he's clearly leaving. But then, you see, suddenly he's not, and Constantine has been eliminated.
Everyone is freaked out. Like, Bo's band is freaked out. Paula ages, seriously, eight years in the moment this occurs. She blabbers, and not the usual, but an honestly shocked and freaked- out and hurt kind. He's pretty gracious about it, as I expected. Although his Video Journey is a point-by-point mnemonic device for why this turn of events should be celebrated, I'm not�happy. I am not anything. I am shocked. It's like whoa.
Paula's in total meltdown, the Idols keep noticing the cameras catching their total freak out and trying to get it together, and then Ryan steps all over the beginning of the sing-out, because of how the song works. Carrie sings along with him like a little kid and it's sad, and Scott is just openly laughing about his good fucking fortune. This song still sucks, but then we have a problem, because in the audience, Paula has climbed up on the table and is yelling encouragement and support at his mom, and the two do that thing with the foreheads touching and tears everywhere, and like, that's his mom, you know?
It's all very dramatic and you know what it's like, it's like when Kelly won, the first year, and it was mind-blowing and a large-scale occurrence and the glitter and the tickertape and the lights going crazy and everybody going crazy and you cried because some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this? Only this is the complete inverse. It's not the fact that he'll be gone, I'm fine with that. It's the event of his leaving. History does not record my reaction to this event, dear reader. But it is not at all what I expected.
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