"She Had Style! She Had Flair! She Got Tossed!"

So last week was the Mario thing, and I honestly thought Friday -- when Vonzell was celebrating her birthday as only a cowgirl can -- while I was driving back from my rainy New Orleans vacation, that the storm of controversy would leave with him and everything was going to be okay. Blue skies. Not so. The taped broadcast this week aired at its usual time, Tuesday at 8 PM EST, and again three hours later, on the west coast, and the bottom-third graphic at the end gave the correct 866-IDOLS number, but the translation number beneath it -- I guess for those grandmas with rotary phones or people who dial TV shows so terribly often that the letters have worn off -- was incorrect for Anwar, Mikalah, and Jessica.

I don't blame them for not fixing the PST numbers, because they'd still have to scrap the results, but I do blame them for fucking it up at all, because the solution was two identical performance shows, Wednesday "including new live elements" and signs begging TPTB not to fire whoever screwed up the phone numbers. I lost an hour of my life, but I understand there wasn't really any other option. Anyway, they're jerks.

Tuesday

Simon tickles Paula as they're being introduced, and then she grabs him and laughs and Ryan fake-smiles at their antics. He very professionally does not vomit. We flash back to last week's post-elimination clubhouse hangout, again, and the kids are all opening their "gifts" and Anwar is unwrapping his carefully to preserve the paper -- which is totally a joke I would have made, had he not beaten me to the punch by actually acting out the joke I would have made, right before my eyes -- and it's the Billboard #1 Hits book. Then the author of this book appears out of nowhere, as if by magic, and tells them they get to pick this week's song from any of the 930 songs in the book. Man, that's way too narrow. How ever will they fit in their little boxes?

First up is Anthony singing "I Knew You Were Waiting For Me," because it's about "having faith in what you do, no matter how tough things get in life," and you and I both know what he's talking about: the doctors said there wasn't anybody waiting for him, but he knew you were waiting for him, and there you were waiting for him, and now here is, singing about it. Also, he's singing to superstardom, because he believes that "in the end, something special is waiting" for him. Does that make him Aretha? Or George Michael? Neither, I think, is really what he's going for.

Which seems to be�Clay, this week. He dances around and makes some Clay faces. His jacket is kind of cool -- the lapels are frayed like Jessica's old hobo clothing. His pronunciation gets more Ukrainian each week, it's fascinating. He's kind of a Clay impersonator this week, only with really bad singing. This is terrible, Anthony! The strength and clarity of his voice, which normally I mention, are not an issue here. The issue, rather, is this incredibly fucked-up, affected performance: weird breathy emphases on weird places, and cheesy hands out to the crowd and creepy hip-dancing and fake smiles and�it's all so "sassy" and painful. I think if this was the first thing I saw of little A-Fed I would hate him, instead of just feeling warm and protective toward him like everyone else he's ever met. This is just like a weird�it's like MTV Europe. This is like MTV Europe when you go, "What the fuck goes on over there?"

He's sweating a little. I don't know. What do you say? You sounded like shit, yousweet little pumpkin? Randy loves that song, because he worked on it with Aretha and George Michael. "Anthony's back tonight, y'all!" And he sounds like hell! Paula loved it and thinks he "came back strong" and that he did Aretha and George Michael proud. Simon thinks it was an okay performance -- which earns a booing and a hissing from the crowd, Paula, and Randy -- and mocks the faux sexiness of the dancing, and for some reason Paula starts taking total umbrage 'round about now, trying to Guarini the crowd into riot. Simon compares the deep unsexiness of A-Fed to Randy going on Baywatch, and things rapidly go to hell with yelling and ripping off of clothes. Then Ryan tells A-Fed he looks pretty tonight and they both smile incredibly fakely.

Carrie's singing "Alone" by Heart, because she wants to change it up and not sing country. To "take a risk" and "break out of my shell a little bit." And just like always happens when Grease becomes real life, she goes from country girl to big-haired rock slut in one swift edit. Except for the "slut" part. Or the "rock" part. Or any of it, really, because, like, this is a Heart song. They're their own thing. In their own little Heart-shaped box, so to speak. So she looks physically uncomfortable, in the Olivia Newton-John look, but at least she's singing to the camera. Her makeup looks really good, but man. There's Something About Carrie's Hair, per the posters. Her voice is really great -- this was a good idea if for no other reason than to show that she's not just a pile of imitative country tics like Country John on The Real World: Los Angeles.

She has this totally kick-ass backup singer whose voice works perfectly with hers. It's really kind of overwhelming. She has a bit of the scared eyes, but is coming off quite likeable. I don't know if it's Anthony's fault, but I really like this performance. Maybe I'm just distracted by her two-dimensional hair. I remember one time we went to brunch at this legendarily dissipated place on Westheimer and Mars Attacks! had just come out and all the drag queens were wearing the alien poodle-dog Martian lady hair and drinking bellinis and shrieking. And that's how she looks. Like Mars Attacks! meets Grease and breakfast with drag queens at an indecent hour. And while I agree that that sounds like a dream come true, let me tell you that the reality is not all that dreamy.

Randy goes, "Wow, man. Wow!" and notes that she's "finally coming alive." So he noticed, too. He calls it one of her best performances, and, like, I agree, and I know that working with your accompaniment can be demanding, but I swear at least 25% of the awesomeness with this was the vocal harmony. It's like somebody wanted to provide the best backup possible, and went too far. I mean, though, Randy also liked the hair, and he could be kidding about that but it does give one pause. Paula actually worked on the video for this song -- as what, a grip? -- and is also totally drunk, so she gives some kind of opinion about something. Simon loses his shit entirely and tells her she is going to win this competition and then outsell every Idol winner. Wow. Even Carrie and Ryan geek out and just kind of stare blondly at each other for awhile, because that was such a weird thing to say. It's nice, but really disingenuous to think that's not going to ping the conspiracy theorists. Has he ever said anything that blatant before?

Ryan is wearing a smashing red t-shirt that is very flattering, and it reads "I [HEART] Expensive T-Shirts." We know, dude. He also [HEARTS] showing off his guns, and I can't fault him for it, even though he's standing in this weird Tyrannosaurus Rex way throughout the entire show to make sure we notice he's been working out. The [HEART], by the way, is a Romeo + Juliet flaming Jesus heart. Is this a shout-out to me and my obsession with Ryan's expensive t-shirts? Or is it a show of ironic t-shirt brotherhood with Constantine? Who knows. Looks damn good, though. Congrats on finding the perfect shirt, Seacrest. up: a wife.

Donny Osmond finds himself in the theatre just in time to say hi to Seacrest and get his album plugged, and I am being straight with you when I tell you that this is his 54th album, okay, and they joke about how he's only 152. 54, dude. You know how many albums I have made? None. Now, I'm not a musician, so it's not surprising, but the gap between zero and 54 is simply huge, especially considering this is the first I've heard of these "albums" since he was a little bit rock and roll and I was a little bit fetus. you'll tell me John Tesh is selling out tours. Well, that was dated of me. Let's try that again. you'll tell me Minnie Driver sang at South By Southwest. Do-overs are so hot right now. But hey, though. Who cares? Why do we care? Why is Donny Osmond famous?

Anyway: Scotty "The Body" Savol, and I really hate it that Seacrest insists on calling him this. I guess, like, "Psycho Scotty" wouldn't work, but do you have to openly mock his weight? It was okay doing this with Ruben, because he had the whole other Barry White Velvet Teddy Bear thing happening, but this joke only has the one rude layer. Scott is going to sing "Against All Odds," a song you already know I love even if you don't, which is fine too, and he speaks briefly about how "some songs have special significance" and how "somebody like my dad would be able to relate to" it, what with "the situations he's dealt with in life." I don't know what he means, and I don't care. Maybe his dad was stranded on a desert island with Jeff Bridges and it was all, "She was a beautiful fugitive. Fleeing from corruption. From power. He was a professional athlete past his prime. Hired to find her, he grew to love her. Love turned to obsession. Obsession turned to murder. And now the price of freedom might be nothing less than their lives." Or something along those lines.

The strain continues to show through in his voice, but it's still so baseline awesome that it's okay. He pounds his chest to indicate that it is himself he's singing about, that it is in fact Scott that we should be taking a good look at. Not recommended. He's rocking back and forth all crazy as that beautiful voice comes out of him. The hat comes off, his sunglasses from last week come off and go skating across the stage, but since he sings with his eyes wide shut most of the time, it's no big deal, and I don't look at him when he's singing anyway, so fuck a bunch of theatrics. Then it is over. The ovation: Standing. The face: Creepy as hell.

Randy goes, "Yo, dawg, man, you worked it out tonight," and tells him he was "on and popping." He rather conveniently finds the show that pays his salary to be "hot tonight," and then Paula says he's getting better every week and is "in it to win it." He's not getting better every week, he's getting easier to discredit every week. Not to mention ruder by the second. He's kind of a jerk, I think. Simon makes the striptease joke and Scott makes one of several hideously crass faces he'll be making this week, rolling his eyes really fakely and rudely. I'm over it. I cheer Simon for saying he didn't think it was a fantastic vocal, because I want to slap him and I can't because he's on TV. It was a fantastic vocal, but not because he tried in any way, just because he is possessed of a great voice. Ryan grabbed his glasses when they went flying, and has them for him over in the Temple Grandin Area where he lives, and then Ryan shockingly wonders how Scott can even see through them, because they're so "greasy," which: inappropriate but hilarious, and Scott rolls his eyes at that too, and then claps again like Frankenstein.

Bo Bice will be singing "Time In A Bottle," which he says is "a given" because it's one of his favorites and his mother's favorite and he bought the record at a yard sale once or something. Now that it's songs I know, that's the week where they start putting the song titles and identifying information at the bottom of the screen. Thanks. Bo Bice looks very scary in the darkness with rotating white gels. The lights come up a little bit and he walks to the front of the stage, where there's a small chubby man playing guitar, to whom he sings for a while. He squats and sings a little bit and then does a terrible "la-da-la-la" part which is not right at all, and then gets it back together for the end.

Downstage, he smiles and keeps that mouth closed as the crowd freaks out for him. Randy pronounces Bo's performance "subdued" and "sensitive," his outfit "fly," and his range "not showcased." Paula garbles a strange comment -- to the spirit and not the letter of which he responds in a gracious and lovely way -- about how "his fans will believe her" when she says that he is "a gift to the 60 million people that watch this show a week." Simon doesn't think of him as "someone in a competition," and says that "it's like watching somebody who's already made it." At this point, Paula kisses him and sticks her face in his armpit. "The downside," he continues, "is that you now have the same hairstyle as Paula Abdul." She slaps him in slow drunk motion. Ryan and Bo talk about his deep love for Jim Croce, and he finally smiles the hated smile, but only for a second. Ryan and Bo shake hands and smile brightly at each other.

Ryan's arms are crazy and he's holding them against his sides to outline them. "Incomplete" was apparently first sung by Sisqo? Or Dru Hill? Who influenced Nikko's singing. He's dressed crazy like a bad guy in a Robert Louis Stevenson novel, with a big jacket over his shoulders. He sounds really thin and reedy but the beautiful control is there. Isn't the point of a #1 hit that I've heard the song? Oh, I've heard this song. He looks like Dr. Jekyll. As the voice begins to go crazy he shrugs the scary jacket and starts doing inappropriate hip dancing. There's a big loud "yeah yeah" note and some riffing around on the song. Which song isboring, but it doesn't matter, because Nikko can make anything sound cool. He has the Nikko Effect of making this song sound legit instead of a song originally sung by a minute gay idiotwhich is how he got back into this competition!

Randy is "tripping right now" on seeing "the real Nikko." Paula loved it, and got goose bumps, and says it showcased his beautiful, beautiful voice. She urges him to continue to pick songs that do this, because she has been rendered speechless and bumpy. Simon notes a few tuning problems, which is true, but calls it his best performance, and then Paula literally climbs onto his face. He is grossed out to the max. Then Ryan -- kind of a janitor this week for all the flying accessories -- hands him back his hat, and tells him he did good work up there before ordering him to feel good about it.

Vonzell will be singing "The Best Of My Love" by the Emotions. She chose it because it reminds her of when she and her dad would dress up like cowgirls and listen to the radio together. It reminds me of every commercial I've ever seen because this song is licensed to the hilt. She sings gleefully and climbs all over the set, giggling into the mic at Paula's crazy drunk dancing. Paula is enjoying the fuck out of herself tonight. Vonzell comes around to sing to Simon, who just grins, bemused, and then at the end she laughs into the camera, in extreme close-up. Her hair looks like that lady from Cold Case. Crazy on purpose.

Randy loved it, and apparently Vonzell is "back," having "showed up" tonight along with everybody else. Randy, where'd they all go? Paula thinks Vonzell "took a risk," and that Simon better recognize. Other than that, she just moans agreeably, noting that Vonzell's "vocals came out" and even if Simon doesn't recognize it, who cares? Because she did it. Randy echoes that nobody cares if Simon didn't like it. Paula claps like a seal again, and then she and Randy giggle over some weird shit. She's apparently "almost out of kisses," but "who knows" what she will do if Simon liked it. Out of kisses? The hell? Not that that's possible, but considering she still hasn't removed her left hand from inside Simon's pants where she snaked it two songs ago, where is there to go from kissing if she did run out?

Simon realizes, and almost apologizes, that is comment is kind of backhanded, but he's half right when he says that this is the first time people are going to remember her. And I think he's right insofar as she's not memorable, but I don't think this is the song that's going to change things for her. And I don't mind, because I really like her, and eventually I think it's going to get whittled down enough that we'll be forced to pay attention. But Paula's fine with it, and she throws her arms around him and squeezes tightly. So that's what happens when you run out of kisses. Squeezing.

Constantine sings "I Think I Love You" by the Partridge Family, the show of whom he watched in reruns, and he speaks from the hubris, which is located just east of the diaphragm, about how "it's about time someone redid the song, I think it rocks." The echoing and discordant sound of so many legitimate musicians' renditions of this song in the past five years alone -- the punk theme to Significant Others, Voice of the Beehive -- all playing in my head at once almost drowns out the horrible, terrible, smirky, smarmy sound of his disgusting tribute to whatever. From the neck down, he looks really nice, but from the neck up he looks like a diseased effete dandy. Like Lewis Carroll or whatever, the kind of guy who's okay for color at parties but you don't let him baby-sit. It might have been ironed, the hair, and the curls start down by his ears. But it's not his look that is offensive, it is his terrible voice, and his demonic glee and the "fun" he's having that is creepy and hellish. He's tripled the "rocker" thing, butthis isn't a rock song. It's hilarious and chillingly earnest.

Randy's kind of embarrassed for him, and calls it "interesting" and "over the top" and "theatrical." Paula rhapsodizes about his "showmanship," saying it's because of all the kids, he's most used to being onstage, and calls him an excellent entertainer who picked the perfect song and did it justice, and has an amazing fan base. Simon calls it an "odd fit" akin to ordering a guard dog for your home and getting delivered a poodle in a leather jacket. ["Having recently read David Cassidy's autobiography, I have to disagree. Given that Cassidy, both in the book and in the E! True Hollywood Story about himself, comes off as a ravingly full-of-himself douche who insisted that he rocked when actually he was itchy, it's actually an awesome fit." -- Sars] Then Randy and Paula get in a fistfight because it's funny but she doesn't get it. Constantine knows what he means, though, and he agrees. He then makes six gross faces in a row.

Nadia intros that the #1 Hits theme really threw her off this week, because she likes really "artsy-fartsy" songs, and so a lot of the songs she likes didn't make it to #1. And I take issue with that because it's so college freshman it's ridiculous. I bet she doesn't watch TV either. You know? Saying that of 930 songs, you only liked one because the rest are too popular? Get the hell over yourself. But it's Nadia, so I find it cute and only slightly obnoxious, because this too serves her persona, which is to be the Karen O of American Idol. Making Constantine the Darkness. Anyway, apparently Cyndi Lauper is up to the "artsy-fartsy" bar she's set for herself, because, quote, "She's an artist within herself, and I think that says it all." It doesn't, because it doesn't really say anything, but you're totally cute.

She starts out on the Bo Spot with a crazy San Francisco lesbian concept hair mohawk and completely covers by sheer force of will when instead of being "caught up in circles," she finds herself "always with splircles," and then I stop caring about the lyrics because the arrangement of the song gets weird and intense, speeding up to this reggae beat on the second half of the verse and then a rock star double time on the chorus, andI like this arrangement a lot, actually. It doesn't hold a candle to the original, of course, and makes hash of the song's intent, and you know I'm a fan of the guy who wrote the song, but since none of this has anything to do with Nadia whatsoever, it's interesting.

I've kind of misplaced her here. There's so much going on, with the hair and the time signatures and the crazy shirt and the Constantine hangover, that I forgot to listen to her voice entirely. I don't really want to talk about clothes or the whole look she's sporting, because she looks like a freak. She looks like when Storm went through her Claremont shit and came back punked out and Kitty Pryde was all, "What are you, gay now?" and Storm had to be like, "Fucking chill." So let's talk about her awesome dance moves, because she's barely even thinking about it. It seems much less calculated and natural, and physically she is really selling it. She only makes a couple of scary rage faces, compared to the, like, 85% of the time last week. It's clear she's excited by the arrangement, which a musician like her would be. Music's like her best friend. But unlike Anwar, she doesn't think of it as that friend she's always got to psychoanalyze and give advice to about basic shit.

Randy's like, you're definitely a star every time you're onstage. When he's in a mood like tonight -- not high enough to lie like Paula, not mean enough to be honest and brutal like Simon -- what's most interesting is not so much what he says as what he doesn't say. Paula says it wasn't her favorite song choice, and agrees that Nadia is chronically a star. Simon calls it over the top and found the whole thing costumey. Well, what he says is that it was reminiscent of a cabaret act on a cruise ship, with all the different costumes. He's mostly drowned out by Paula's caterwauling and the crowd, but I agree when he calls it "old-fashioned" and Nadia's weakest performance by a mile, so far. Then Ryan marvels at her focus, noting how her mic pack fell out at some point during the song, then does this weirdly effeminate "thank you very much Nadia lip-smack-pop-head-to-the-camera" move. She brings out the gay in people, I've noticed this before.

Segue: any mention of Mikalah brings a smile to Ryan's face. "Brace yourselves, America, it's Mikalah." She introduces her song, Taylor Dayne's "Love Will Lead You Back," with a clever point that it was fun getting such a close look at the audience last week, standing in the bottom two, but she would like to stay a little further upstage this week. Singing, she's wearing part of a dead bird around her neck, and some strange complicated necklace infrastructure. Her makeup looks beautiful and flawless and she's totally on point, physically. Even her totally weird affected voice is not so off-putting here. You know who has an affected voice? Britney Spears. Nobody actually sings like that unless they're trying to sing like Britney. Or God, Taylor Dayne, for fuck's sake. Therefore I am okay with this voice. I just wish she didn't talk like that too.

I wouldn't call the voice trained, but she knows what to do with it, generally, and in theory this song was a really good idea. Her showmanship, one might drunkenly say, is perfect. What isn't perfect is the horrible sounds coming out of her. I don't have a problem with the pronunciations or dynamics here, and she's on pitch a lot of the time, but the flubbings and weakness of her worn-out voice are just too numerous. Like notes that she just can't hit because her voice is too tired, so it just harshes out, but they're, like, key to her performance. It's ragged and tore up.

Randy misses "young, fun, energetic Mikalah," and again scorns her as "more subdued" before noting the pitchiness. He admits that she got more into it at the end, but he wonders where the "young energetic girl from Vegas" went. Um, you and Simon told her to fuck off week after week? Ryan scared the hell out of her not seven days ago? Why the fuck wouldn't she try to be as mature as possible? All she gets is smacked and hated when she tries to be fun and energetic, because for her that means being criminally irritating.

Paula was originally reminded of Taylor Dayne, in Vegas, and now she thinks that Mikalah might get caught up into not having a unique sound. That already fucking happened, way before Pop Idol was even a gleam in an ugly Brit's eye. There's no Mikalah who's like that. The girl you're talking to doesn't exist. Try going with the one standing in front of you, that you brought to Hollywood and praised for just how affected she is. Simon calls her a "complete and utter mess" and then there's some fake fighting with an emotionally labile and dangerously drunk Paula, and then Mikalah heaps on the awkwardness with a nice "Shalom." Oh, sweetie. Ryan points out that "a record contract might bring her out of her shell a little bit." You know what I love? Making the same totally obvious and pointless joke every time she's on my screen. They really start to work the fifteenth time, dude. The comedy really kicks in at that point.

Anwar will be singing "Ain't Nobody" by Chaka Khan, he tells us, because it's going to be "Funky. Upbeat. A little different, a little groove. You know, something that people can clap their hands to and actually enjoy." While I do love that he seems to admit here that he's fully aware of the fact that nobody actually enjoys his performances, on a visceral level, I think he left out the best, coolest reason, which is that it was the absolute gayest thing he could think of.

Performance-wise, what's awesome here is how deeply he does not care about this song. It's so terribly awkward. You know what it's like? Watching C.J. Cregg sing this song. On American Idol. He makes all these diva noises and it's really confusing. There's a deep, softly quiet, respectable masculinity about Anwar that keeps it from being like a drag queen? But it's so removed from anything resembling a real kind ofit's like your dad singing about a lovely bunch of coconuts. Just stop. I worried about him trying to sing a sexual or sex-adjacent song because of the whole problem there, buthe throws a hand just right up in the air. That wasn't intentional. The crowd goes nuts. Donny Osmond leads a standing ovation.

Randy calls it "another ambitious song choice" by a stylized legendary phenomenon. He means "a lady." Randy thinks it's "not his best," and at this point Anwar gets openly bitchy, around the face. Paula loves that he took her advice from way back and sang a girl song, and rose to the challenge. "Amazing job." And I agree with her, and it's a cool idea and he did it the right way, it's just that he didn't do itall that well. Certainly not amazingly. Simon, like Randy, shies away from the girly part, but does call it risky because Chaka's such an institution of something or another. Paula won't stop interrupting, and interjects that "he did it different [sic]," to which Randy replies that "it wasn't as good!" and finally Simon, totally irritated, spits out, "Talk to me after, Paula." The equivalent of Ryan's face to Mikalah last week, and for the same reason. She's getting obnoxious and attention-grabbing and it's fucking up the flow of the show, to no effect, because she isn't understanding what he's saying, she's just disagreeing with things he didn't even say, and being very crazy. Randy and Simon agree: Chaka Khan is awesome, but a very specific kind of thing. And if you must do this thing, do it differently enough that nobody can sayit should simply not make sense for people to compare the two. That's what you need to do. Ask Nikko about this. Anwar fake-smiles and seems disgusted, but unlike Scott he's professional enough to keep from being openly assy about it.

Carrie: Remember how she was all, "Tell me about it, stud," and her voice was scary perfect but she looked like a costume party of one, all "Alone" by herself? Remember how you wondered where this fake passion and emotion came from since she's never been alone because she was raised by scientists in a lab? Remember when you saw her butt from that one angle and suddenly realized why all the comparisons to Kelly Clarkson? Remember?

So now she's back in her normal, non-ratted hair, farm-girl clothes, fun and spunky version. Paula calls bullshit on both Simon's assumption that she would win the show, and on the fact that she would outsell all contestants, because it's utterly premature and totally rude to everybody else. And she's "a Carrie fan" saying this. Simon apologizes for having an opinion, and makes the excellent choice of telling her that her hair looks better tonight, which gets a laugh and calms everybody down and makes Carrie giggle, which is nice. He's nice, and smart, and deeply alone. I think I love Simon Cowell.

The weird thing is that I pretty much loved Life On A Stick, when it finally came on. I mean, it's not Arrested Development, so I hate it on that level, but that decision isn't really mine to make. I don't watch a lot of sitcoms, so I don't really know what the median is, but if the median ends up being Life On A Stick or Jake In Progress or The Office, I think we'd be okay. Plus they've basically ripped off the main character from Wonderfalls, one of my favorite shows ever, so that's double-edged too, but the girl does a good job and it's nice to see that character type in action again.

Constantine cannot fucking keep his eyes off the camera. No matter where it is or what's going on. Again Ryan says "Scotty Body," and then we watch him sing "Against All Odds" andit's really upsetting to me when people get savant, like where their affect does not betray the obvious intelligence with which they're doing something. I specialize in judging books by their covers, so when not a spark of intelligence shows in someone's eyes, and then they do something as deeply smart as sing the way Scott does, it's weird.

Remember how he made no sense talking about how he and his dad identify with this song? Remember the hat and the glasses and how they came off and went flying? Remember his band-collared shirt that was half-untucked? Remember how he and Fat Joe are continuing to look more and more like each other and will one day become the same person? Remember how he has no feelings or thoughts except "kill torture maim" and nothing shows on his face ever so even with his incredible voice it's still creepy and off-putting? Remember when he earned my eternal hatred for the attitude he showed? Remember?

He got goose bumps watching his own video, but not for the same reason we do. Simon says that if you put this into the real world, without a connection to the show, and just presented him as a recording artist, this performance wouldn't seem so good. And that's valid. Scott continues to make incredibly rude and shitty faces about it. I really, really don't like this guy. Grow the fuck up, you freak. Stop being so unlikable! I know that's just who you are. Fake it for me! Ask Mikalah or Nadia about it! Be a person, any old kind of made-up person, that isn't completely ungrateful and rude and shitty to the people who gave you this opportunity. And dude? GOD IS IN THE TUB AT THIS TIME. Because if God weren't, you'd have gotten struck by lightning or something by now, because you are giving God REALLY BAD PRESS.

Bo: Remember his weird harlequin-diamond jeans? Remember how lovely his voice is, and the wonderful violin part on the arrangement? Remember how the guitarist so wasn't interested in Bo's little play-within-the-play-within-the-show about how he and the guy are best buds and he's serenading him? Remember the horrible "la-la" part? Remember how he wanted to save time in a bottle? Remember?

He looks great tonight, man. Shooting finger-guns into the audience. Randy clarifies that he did like the performance and likes the sensitive side of Bo -- that it was hot and "you did your thing." Ryan asks if by singing this song he was trying to show range in his performance. Which is funny, because it's not like it was a radically different fucking song. It was still the Bo Song, it was just a little slower, that's all. Last week was Psychedelic Bo, this week it's Hugs N Kisses Bo. Ryan's all, "Trying to show you're not one-dimensional?" And Bo's like, "No, I totally am. I just like Jim Croce." Then some bavardage about how Bo won't be getting any haircuts, ever, which the crowd loves. This is what happens if you spend all your time in West Hollywood, Ryan: you lose the ability to talk to people from the woods, and find yourself asking even survivalist troubadour potheads like Bo what their hair care regimen is.

Ryan calls it "American Idol meets Groundhog Day," and then we watch Nikko dressed like Dr. Jekyll and looking pained. Remember his Jack the Ripper jacket? Remember his Urkeltude? Tonight he's got crazy gold bling and looks like a kid in the park, remember? Remember how he's totally awesome? But do you remember the song? I didn't think so. Randy says Nikko's "finally found himself" and that it was the best performance of last night. Nikko thinks that he was pretty nervous coming back in, but is now on game. Paula LOVES it, even more so seeing it again on the screen. Again she begs him to sing songs like that.

Paul, who doesn't even watch this show, calls to tell me he's just discovered that all he has to do is vote for everybody else once, in order to cast one effective vote for Constantine's elimination. Brilliant.

Remember how Vonzell is adorable and real and approachable? Remember how this song bores the shit out of me but I like her so much that it's just like watching her sing any other song I don't care about in the least? Remember how much Paula enjoyed it, and totally lost her shit all over the place? Remember how Simon just smiled and watched her get all awesome in his face like he was getting a lap dance at a bachelor party for somebody he didn't even know? Remember?

Tonight she's scary gorgeous and sang along with the video while it was going, which Ryan loved. Ryan really enjoys the whole Vonzell thing. Paula wants to point out how pretty she looks tonight, and then talks about how great she sounded, and how fun she is to watch. She was on pitch, had her game on, is "fearless" on stage, and unless Paula's wrong, "America is falling in love with you." Randy thinks she's the most improved of all of them, that each week she gets better and more confident, better songs. (Paula: "Very confident, very confident.") Simon thinks she's growing on us, and also listening to the judges' comments. He thinks she's becoming "infectious," and has a sense of fun. Then the best conversation of the week not involving Paula:

Simon: This isn't life or death, this competition. You should have fun, and you did.
Ryan: It's pretty serious, though.
Simon: But it's not death.
Ryan: It's not death, but it's pretty serious.
Simon: No, it's not.

Ryan asks if it's difficult to hit all the marks and climb around all over everything, and she admits that she was wearing new shoes, on top of that, so she prayed. Cut to her shoes, whichare not the shoes she's talking about, and then he does an improv bit about her praying about it.

Constantine makes a horrible fucked-up face with a disgusting grin into the camera as we intro last night's shitty performance. Of all the indignities of this do-over show, the fact that I have to watch this crap even one more time makes me most sick. It's disgusting. I still can't find the words to describe what this does to me. Remember how the bitch can't sing? Remember how he was wearing a suit and turquoise Chucks and a Joan of Arcadia scarf and looked like a British pansy rocker from the Golden Age of Mod? Remember how just looking at his stupid face made me so angry it was scary? Remember how I'm doing this from memory because I refuse to watch this shit again? Remember?

Randy called it a bit theatrical, notes Ryan, but he then of course zeroes in on Simon: "So he's a poodle in a leather jacket -- don't want to ask why -- but what did you mean?" That's not really hairsplitting, because it's more like saying, "I don't want X, so would you give me X instead?" His relationship with Simon ends in a lot of contradictions and submerging what he really wants in the roiling Plathtub of his heart. Then Simon lies about what he meant and says it was because 2Cats is such a "rocker" and so it was like "someone from Metallica doing Donny Osmond," and that's not what he meant, what he meant was that the show has grossly misrepresented what Constantine is really about, and Constantine doesn't have the convictions or the strength to do anything but go along with it, but since it's inauthentic, he's just falling deeper and deeper into this ugly cycle of trying to be honest about his art while being more and more dishonest about who he is, which is making cold fusion happen in his soul like at the end of Spiderman 2, and this is causing both a sucking kind of gravity implosion and a grave resentment about the whole deal wherein he does things like sing this song and wear Guarini t-shirts, where if he'd just started out being himself -- assuming he'd made it on the show, which is unlikely -- he wouldn't be half as gross and we wouldn't have to have these idiotic meta-conversations about what Constantine's really about, because what I don't give a flying fuck about is what Constantine's really about, because what he's really about? Is sucking.

Ryan wonders, though, if one shouldn't "show different sides of yourself"? And then Paula is off and running and nearly drives the whole thing off a cliff, having just had an epiphany about how Constantine is doing a tongue-in-cheek tribute to the '70s idea of the teen "idol." Randy and Simon act like it's this big revelation and Paula's a smart gal, and I'm impressed that this kind of thing she'd even be interested in (I refer you to her ADAM PRATT shame about dancing with a cartoon fox or bobcat orwhatever), but Constantine's even slower on the uptake than everybody else (note however that Seacrest is totally on board with this, because if anybody knows about making your life an elegantly-constructed personal joke on the level of, say, William Shatner or Clay's best friend Kathy Griffin, it's Seacrest, whom I believe at this point to have a Shatner kind of cool about him), so it takes him a few beats of equivocating ("I just wanted to have fun," et cetera) before finally grabbing the lifeline Paula's just thrown him. Which is just a bit beyond his ken, in its scope, the way she put it, because in fact it's exactly what his Guarini-shirt-wearing ass wants her to say, but now he can't word his response correctly, so he just gets paralyzed, finally limping to the tongue-in-cheek finish line but coming off like he's just going along with what Paula said.

Remember Nadia in her mohawk? Remember how I love Nadia's dancing and her effortless relationship with her body and with music? Remember when she was "always with splircles"? Remember how her voice was great and she fucked up the lyrics and was cool and then the reggae beat started in and she started stalking around and dancing and then the hard-driving rock beat started and the crowd went nuts and she spent more time dancing than watching her voice? Remember?

All her gay boyfriends cheer in the audience and make her giggle. Ryan talks about how the people were calling him on his radio show bugging him about the hair. So: is she still happy about the mohawk? Definitely, and she would have come out with the mohawk no matter what, because, as she explains, the mohawk was dedicated to Mario Vazquez, and Ryan mumbles, "Why did he leave? I don't know why." Then they both giggle and agree how they have no idea why he left. SO AWESOME. Ryan asks Simon what was missing, and apparently it was everything, and that "watching it back" was even worse, and he unrelatedly grouses for them to "forget Mario, I don't know what it's got to do with him anyway." Um, it doesn't? You're just pissed they mentioned him at all, because you have a financial stake in the back end of the show, and aren't just a hired monkey like the other two and Ryan? (Good show, though, Ryan. I liked that whole sequence a lot.) What's interesting this week really is what's not said.

Simon thinks that Nadia lost her edge and seemed very cabaret. On her behalf, Ryan mentions that people nonetheless had fun watching it, I think. The only thing better than being Ryan's best friend would be being Nadia's best friend, and the only thing better than that would be being in on their weird little chemistry vibe. They're like the coolest kids in school, when they're together. The Plastics. The crowd boos, but I don't know why they didn't vote for her more, if they feel so strongly about this. Simon worries for her future if she continues to perform like this, and Ryan and Nadia share another giggle at this, because of a little something Simon doesn't get, which is called the projected anima vote.

Speaking of, here comes everyone's favorite bio-queen, Mikalah Gordon, who, if you'll remember, sang the immensely weird and affected Taylor Dayne's "Love Will Lead You Back." Remember how it was way less off-putting than it should have been because she and Taylor Dayne are weird in the exact same way? Remember how her range stopped dead at this certain note and she flubbed every note outside of it because her voice is exhausted, and it turned out her range was like an octave at best? Remember? But she was so pretty all of a sudden? Somehow I blame her friendship with Jessica for this destruction of what little voice she used to have -- you know they've been up to no damn good. The audience tonight cheers and cheers after the clip.

There's a markered poster in the audience that says, "Constantine will you marry me?" If you even want to date him, you deserve what you get. If Mikalah ever gets eliminated it's going to be totally awesome watching her video journey, because whenever I need a laugh lately I just try to remember what she looked like back in Vegas, with the tore-up hair and face. Mikalah looks cute as ever tonight, although she's wearing a t-shirt that says, "My Job Is To Annoy You," which is so Mikalah to do. Simon says the song wasn't the problem, it was what came out of her mouth. This is the second time in two weeks that Simon and I have cracked the same joke, nearly verbatim. There are both cheers and boos at this. Ha. He asks for her to agree that it wasn't great and she goes all Paula non-responsive: "I think that I'm fabulous and so are my fans! Hello there! Hello!" then she gives a speech about how she's learning and trying to get better all the time and learning from her mistakes. Simon stares at her during this with a mix of bemusement and awe and a helping of pity. Paula looks at her like she wishes Mikalah would die right in front of her. Scary. It's scary. Then she snaps fakely out of it with a gleaming smile.