Tuesday. Ryan Seacrest and the So Very Silly Fake Heartbeat of Artificially Manufactured Dramatic Tension greet us from the Seal to Fantasia Barrino and Diana Degarmo. Ryan reminds us that one of these two women will soon be crowned this year's American Idol. The other one will have to settle for hearing a million ridiculous conspiracy theories about why she didn't win while William of Ockham spins in his grave.
Credits. Ryan heads onstage in his embarrassing Miami Vice outfit again: the cream suit with the black shirt. The camera pans around at dizzying speed over the audience, so we can all take in the fact that we're not in the tiny studio anymore. We're back at the big [product-placed camera company] theater. The stage has been transported to the theater as-is, so it looks pretty much the same until they pan across Pavlov's Dawgs, who are wearing their best "WOOOOOO!"s for this special evening. There's a live orchestra tonight as well. You know, despite the big deal they made of it at the start of the season, the Great Unknown really weren't around for the finals, were they? Ryan says the fans in the audience are split. He mentions there are fans of Diana. People cheer. He says that there are fans of Fantasia. They cheer more loudly then Diana's fans. If you hate Fantasia: The evil people behind the show who don't want Diana to win turned up the volume on the cheers. Also, they showed people waving Fantasia signs but not Diana signs, to convince people that more people love Fantasia. Because it makes perfect sense that people at home are going to vote based on how much the audience screams.
In an attempt to make the show look even more popular with a higher vote tally, the show has arranged for three lines to vote for each singer. So if power-dialing one number incessantly isn't working, you can try one of the other numbers. Plus, the lines will be open for four hours. I shudder at the idea that thousands of people out there spent four hours calling the same numbers over and over again. Ryan introduces the judges for their last night of critiquing, pointing out that Simon Cowell is wearing his best tight black shirt for the evening. Paula Abdul is wearing a disappointingly normal pink off-the-shoulder dress, though her elaborate necklace looks like somebody poured molten silver on her chest. Ryan concludes by lying that while Randy Jackson is no longer fat, he is still "phat." Oh, wait. If by calling Randy "phat," Ryan means that he's old and outdated, he's absolutely right. Randy cheers for himself.
Ryan drags Fantasia and Diana back out onstage to take care of the stupid, pointless [product-placed cola] non-terviews. The young women come out hand in hand, which might have ended up turning Simon on more than the catfight he so desperately wants. They've made it! How do you feel, Diana? "Wooooo!" No, really. Again, I wasn't exaggerating for comic effect. She actually goes, "Woooo!" -- twice. She says she can't describe how she feels. Hence the "Woooo!" How's Fantasia? She says she's "blessed" to be here in front of everybody and all. How has Diana prepared differently for this evening? What the hell does that even mean? Are they doing something besides singing tonight? Is there a new element to the finals? Did they add a javelin throw? Diana ignores the stupid question and just says she's going to come out and have fun and give 500 percent. What did Fantasia do to prepare for the show? She also ignores Ryan's question and repeats what Diana said. She threatens to inflict the Bobo on us. We're reminded that Fantasia won the coin toss last week (which the monitor helpfully flashes us back to) and will perform second. Ryan tells us that Fantasia and Diana will each sing three songs. Two will be of their own choosing -- the third song will be the winner's first single, "I Believe," "co-written" by Tamyra Gray.
Diana is up first, but we need to play clip shows so she and her choir can get into place. We're reminded about Diana's journey from being one of the most loathed contestants in the finals to making the top two. She started off in her horrid fuzzy pink beret, smiling her way through "Chain of Fools." She made it to the top twelve instead of Matt Metzger. Man, he's looking even hotter now that I've had to suffer through three months of dorky guys. I just read that he's going to be on a soap opera. Randy tells us that he thinks Diana is really ambitious for her age. Ryan insists to us that Diana came out weekly and proved that "age is just a number." Yes, a number that indicates how much life experience you've had, and how much you're capable of understanding certain types of subtext. They show her wonderfully awful rendition of "Do You Love Me?" Paula blathers that Diana has truly "come into her own." She says that about everybody who makes it to the finals. We see Diana singing "This Is It," which really does show her growth as a performer since that horrid "Do You Love Me?" travesty. We see Simon taking back his comments about Diana being too young. Diana tells us she's so excited and hopes to have a good show.
Ryan introduces Diana to the stage to be the first to inflict upon us Tamyra Gray's work of genius. She's in a simple black and white top and skirt that looks nice, and is surrounded by a choir. Wearing pink robes. And the lighting? It's pink. And she gets puffy clouds as her background graphic. When I joked in the recaplet that Diana shows us what Unicorn Heaven looks like during this show? It wasn't a joke. So this is the world through rose-colored glasses. The first line of the song asks, "Have you ever reached the rainbow's end?" I immediately hate the song forever. Ugh. "Did you find your pot of gold?" No. "Ever catch a shooting star?" No. God, no! Nooooo! "Tell me how high did you soar?" Let me finish injecting this heroin and I'll let you know. Uck. I do an Internet Movie Database search to find out whether some evil movie studio looked at the success of the Scooby-Doo films, decided to adapt The Smurfs to the big screen, and were looking for a theme song (the answer, for now, is "no"). The lyrics go on insipidly like this. I shouldn't have to tell you it's a ballad, do I? The verses, as usual, are a little too low in Diana's register, so she's a little wobbly. "I've waited all my life for this moment to arrive." Was that line in Kelly's first single? Or something like it? It's musical candy corn. It's just pure sugar with a bit of coloring here and there. The choir shuffles around while singing back-up. The bridge is about trying to succeed despite adversity. Anything is possible if you belieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve! Yeaaaaaahhhhh! I believe that I'm going to get so drunk that my neighbors will wake up with hangovers if I have to listen to this song all summer. "Love keeps lifting me higher," she sings over and over again. That's already a song. God, how awful.
“ Paula blathers on about herself and how she feels like a 'proud parent' here. Get a grip. You're more of a deadbeat mom. The only thing you're responsible for causing to grow around here is my ulcer. ”
Judges. Randy asks her what's going down. Didn't we establish before that stuff was going down? That's what stuff does. It goes down. Diana says that Tamyra wrote a great song that encapsulated what she was feeling right now. Smurfy? Randy name-drops Celine and Mariah and blah blah blah for no reason other than to tell her she did a good job. Paula blathers on about herself and how she feels like a "proud parent" here. Get a grip. You're more of a deadbeat mom. The only thing you're responsible for causing to grow around here is my ulcer. She says Diana looks great, sounded wonderful, and lifted everybody's spirits. Simon says Diana sang it really well, but brings up the age thing again. He mentions how she sang about climbing mountains and swimming lakes, but points out that she's sixteen. This bugs me so much, because this is one of the few times that age really doesn't play a real factor in the song, but Simon just had to bring it up. I had climbed a mountain by the time I was sixteen (and I haven't climbed one since). And who hasn't swum in a lake? It's a stupid comment that Simon just had to squeeze in now, rather than waiting for her to sing a song that requires emotional maturity. Diana even argues with him that she has climbed mountains, but Simon won't believe her. What an idiot. He says he expects someone the age of fifty to be singing that song. Well, I can't imagine anybody over the age of twelve finding anything of value in its mawkish sentiments, but what do I know? Pavlov's Dawgs boo Simon's stupid comments. Ryan comes out and gives Diana's numbers (all three sets). We see Diana's SmotherI mean, "mother" in the crowd, as well as several rejected finalists.
Commercials. When we return, Fantasia gets her clip show. She sings "Proud Mary" at the auditions, which I (and guest recapper Miss Alli) didn't really like at the time. I still don't. Randy says she sounded like Mary J. Blige combined with Aretha Franklin. Man, I wish he would just stop comparing just about every female singer with a husky voice to Blige. Why doesn't he compare her to Kim Carnes? Or, you know, the obvious, Macy Gray? Simon says that every American Idol season needs somebody like Fantasia, somebody who is willing to take risks. We see her comments in Pasadena about having big lips, but bigger talent. She was the first person voted into the final twelve. Oh, I keep forgetting to note that the top two finalists in each of the three seasons so far all came from the same semi-final group. Clay gets a big asterisk to his name, though, since he was in the same group as Ruben, but wasn't voted in until the wild card. But still, interesting coincidence. The judges lather her with praise and then rinse it off with their tongue baths. Ew. That image is a bit sick. She almost got voted off, twice, but wasn't. And she worked "yeah, yeah, yeah" into all of her songs.
“ Fantasia's really getting into this song, but that makes it even stranger, because it's just not very good or worth getting into. It's like getting really emotional about -- oh, I don't know -- apple juice. ”
Ryan introduces Fantasia to the stage to sing "All My Life." She's wearing a simple black sleeveless top and slacks with lots of dangly necklaces. She isn't wearing oversized earrings this time. Apparently the first two lines of this song are "Fala la la-la, sweedity dooo!" She's having some enunciation issues. Finally we can start making sense of what she's singing in time for me to wonder why the hell she picked this song. It's the K-Ci and Jo Jo song from around 1998. It's kind of boy-bandish. You'd know it when you heard it on that bland pop station they play at the office, but you couldn't tell anybody what it was called or who sung it if somebody had put a gun to your head. Or maybe I'm just projecting. Anyway, there's a good reason why this is the only song we've ever heard from these guys. Well, the only one I've heard, anyway. Fantasia sounds shrill and nasal during the verses, and then she doesn't even sing the chorus. She makes the back-up singers do all the work, coming in with a belted note or some "yeah yeah"s. At one point she starts bouncing and spinning around while she sings. And then the camera starts spinning around, but it's not at the same speed that Fantasia is spinning around and whooooa -- I'm getting a little dizzy. Fantasia's really getting into this song, but that makes it even stranger, because it's just not very good or worth getting into. It's like getting really emotional about -- oh, I don't know -- apple juice. I think there were about thirty "yeah"s in that song.
Judges. Randy says he loves the song, but didn't love the musical arrangement for this rendition. He thought she tried hard to bring up the energy of the song, but the band was just sort of lackluster. I'm going to side with the band on this one. The song isn't that good. The worst thing you could do is go overboard with it. And it's meant to be crooned, not screamed. Paula says Fantasia stands out as a great performer by taking a mediocre arrangement and "grabbing the audience in a chokehold and saying, 'Listen up!'" So that's one charge of musical assault, then? There's Amy and her cute boyfriend in the crowd. Amy's hair is no longer wacky-colored. How disappointing. Her boyfriend is still cute, though. Simon says Fantasia is very lucky to be able to sing more songs, because he thinks that performance was "a complete mess." Pavlov's Dawgs boo, and Simon tells them to shut up. Ryan comes out and gives us Fantasia's numbers.
Commercials. When we return to the second round, Diana is going to reprise her song choice from disco night, "No More Tears." I'm figuring that they told the women to choose songs they've already sung before in order to keep from overwhelming them with more songs to learn. Still, it's a bit disappointing. If you want a recap of Diana's performance, read this. Because I'm telling you, it's exactly the same. She starts sitting on the edge of the stage, and then she stands up to bop around with the key and tempo change. She's wearing a spangled pale pink camisole and black slacks. A shot of the crowd shows that they're standing and vaguely clapping, but they're so not into the song. I'm actually surprised the vote ended up being as close as it did. Though Diana overcame a lot of her early problems, it looks like she's still got a ways to go.
“ Simon thinks that Fantasia is the best contestant they've had in any of the Idol competitions around the world. Twenty seconds later, Simon's email server explodes from all the hate mail accusing him of trying to sabotage their favorites, who are clearly the best and Simon's just saying that because he's jealous! ”
Judges. Randy says Diana sang her face off (ow!) and he's very proud of her. Paula agrees. Simon said she sang it very well, but the dancing (prancing) was hideous. Diana agrees. Heh. Ryan comes out and gives her numbers. Again.
Commercials. The tour info is back and zoomier than ever ("We've got a diet pill ad disclaimer to get to!"). Ryan introduces Fantasia back to the stage to flog "Summertime" for us. If you want to read a recap of Fantasia's rendition of this song, read this. Or this. Because for the third time, she's performing it exactly the same way. She's sitting on the stage. She's wearing a lovely coral dress. In a way, I'm glad she's proving that she can be consistent, because that's one of the big problems these singers have, but still I'd rather hear her do such a great performance on a different song.
Judges. Randy says it was unbelievable, and listening to Fantasia was like attending a master class of singing. And let's check in with Paula's incoherence: "You showed another talent as a true artist by reinventing yourself and showing that you'll never bore an audience by recreating yourself. And you forged commanding the audience. You never will bore them." You reinvent yourself byrecreating yourself? Is that like Madonna's current tour, where she's just cashing in on what's left of her musical career by singing all her old songs mostly the way they used to be? And nobody on earth, including Paula, knows what "forged commanding" was supposed to mean. Simon thinks that Fantasia is the best contestant they've had in any of the Idol competitions around the world. Twenty seconds later, Simon's email server explodes from all the hate mail accusing him of trying to sabotage their favorites, who are clearly the best and Simon's just saying that because he's jealous! Ryan comes out and gives Fantasia's numbers again.
Commercials. You can't always get what you want. Unless what you want is to have your fad diet catered to.
When we return, Diana gets her last song. Ryan blathers on about the prizes for the winners, which I ignored the first time, but I noticed this time that he said "free shoes for life." How prescient of him. Anyway, Diana is going to recreate another performance yet again with "Don't Cry Out Loud." She heads out in a black pantsuit and sparkly top that would look great at the Greater Atlanta Area Association of Businesswomen's annual banquet and charity auction. She sounds a little rough on the verses, but not bad. She starts off the belting okay, but things start falling apart halfway through. Apparently she was having earpiece problems or something or other, and the result is that she starts going off-pitch horribly. Well, not horribly. Despite her problems, she still isn't as bad as Jasmine. There were probably about five bad notes in the end, but the problem is that they were very, very obvious. Speaking of Jasmine, we see her smiling, clapping, and nodding in the audience. Yes, I'm sure she thought the song was perfect.
Judges. Randy points out Diana's problems with the lower register, and that she was pitchy in parts. Paula misuses the word "surreal," about the thirtieth person to do so on this show. "Surreal" is not a synonym for either "surprising" or "unreal." Paula agrees with Randy about the problems, but still thinks she's great. Simon seems to think Diana got a case of the nerves after hearing Fantasia sing "Summertime," which seems pretty doubtful. I don't think Diana has the imagination to be intimidated. He says Diana had one last chance to "nail" the competition, and he doesn't think she did. Pavlov's Dawgs boo. Ryan comes out and gives her numbers. Again.
Commercials. Ryan greets us from up by the tech stuff, along with a bunch of fans who stare and wave into the cameras. Now it's Fantasia's turn to try to make us like "I Believe." The chorus is back, and the clouds are back. But this time the stage lighting is blue and Fantasia is wearing a sea-foam green dress. And I think this performance shows the advantage of having a distinctive voice: It draws attention away from mediocre lyrics. We're really just listening and enjoying (or not enjoying) the tone of Fantasia's voice more than the lyrics themselves. It reminds me how I never realized how strange the lyrics to "Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road" were until Camile sang it weeks ago. It was really Elton's voice that sold the song. Such is the case with Fantasia. And for that matter, such was the case for Jon Peter Lewis and John Stevens when they were still on the show. I barely notice the awfulness of the lyrics, because I'm enjoying the way that she's singing and how she works well with the choir. The song? It's still awful. But it just feels less awful to me when Fantasia sings it. She bops around and works the stage, and even dances along with the choir's shuffling. There are seventy-five "yeah"s in the song. I think somebody sent me an email counting exactly how many times Fantasia sang "yeah" in the finale, but I can't seem find it. She positively wails toward the end. And she cries. If that shitty song can move you enough to make you cry, then I guess you really are a performer. All three judges give her a standing ovation.
Judges. Randy tries to tell Fantasia that she was brilliant over the screams of the crowd. Matt Rogers mugs for the camera. Shut it, hammy. Paula declares that this was Fantasia's night. Simon says that this song was Fantasia's acceptance speech. Ryan comes out to give Fantasia's numbers. She's still crying. He jokes with her to try to get her to give out her numbers, and she finally starts chuckling. Ryan gives out her numbers instead.
“ Andy Richter is here, in his best I Was Forced To Come Here If I Wanted FOX To Pick Up My New Show suit and fake smile. ”
And so we're done withaw, crap. They've brought Paul Anka back again. In last season's finale he sang "My Way," with lyrics altered to apply to the season. It was so popular last season, even though everybody totally forgot that it even happened, that they brought him back again. It looks like Paul Anka couldn't make it, so they carved a wooden simulacrum of him out of teak. He rhymes "Fantasia" with Simon suggesting "euthanasia" for the bad contestants. That's pretty good. Take notes, Tamyra. Behind Paula, we see clips of auditions and such. Awww, there's Nicole Tieri. I totally don't miss her at all. He rhymes "annoy you" in reference to the busy phone lines with "LaToya." There's a reference to Paula and Simon kissing, which we're all forced to watch again. And of course, there's a reference to Will Hung. And Randy losing weight. They all sang it their way. And we all overanalyzed it our way. Yay! After a final clip show, Ryan closes us out by managing to work in references to all the product-placed sponsors who have appeared on the show. Tool.
Wednesday. It's two hours of nonsense and blather. Woo! And then I'm done! Wooooo! We see various red carpet shots familiar to anybody who has ever skimmed past E! as Ryan tells us the stars came out to the finale tonight. There's Ray Romano! Wooo! Sharon Osbourne! Wooo! Andy Richter is here, in his best I Was Forced To Come Here If I Wanted FOX To Pick Up My New Show suit and fake smile. Tamyra's "Star" song plays in the background yet again. There are also big parties at the hometowns (or in the general vicinity of them anyway) of Fantasia and Diana. We see the camera's pass over the sign-wavers. At Diana's gathering, somebody is waving a sign that declares that Simon is hot. At Diana's party. Heh. Should have known then she wasn't going to win.
Credits. Ryan greets the huge screaming crowds hanging out in front of a stage outside the [product-placed camera company] theater. He's wearing an absolutely hideous black tuxedo jacket with shiny lapels, but no bow tie. He says the stage is for live performances to help milk this show for all it's worth. He has two co-hosts on the red carpet -- Christina Christian andJennifer Love Hewitt? Why? Go away! And take your dinners with you. Christina has a nice afro and is wearing a nice dress. Jennifer is wearing a black half-shirt and jeans. Classy. What does she care? She's going to be in the Garfield movie, the commercials for which make me wish The Day After Tomorrow were a documentary. Christina's going to work the carpet, while Halfwit hosts the outdoor stage performances with the losers.
“ Kimberly and her white-trash overteased hair get really close to the camera to tell us all that there are lots of people here screaming. We can't hear her very well, because it turns out there's a lot of people there screaming. ”
After Ryan and Christina flee to go be with the pretty people in the air conditioning, Halfwit introduces LaToya to sing "If You Don't Know Me By Now" from the Season Three "soul" music compilation. LaToya is wearing a pink top and denim skirt. It's too late to try to get Diana's fans now, dear. She's also wearing a rhinestone-studded collar that appears to have a lock attached to it. Kinky! Now see, if LaToya had trotted out the S&M stuff earlier, she might have made it to the final two. She's typically good, technically proficient and kind of dull. There's some great belting, and some not so great melisma.
Back in the theater, it's the time in the finale where Ryan harasses the finalists as they're still in the dressing rooms. He bothers Diana first. Two stylists pretend to be futzing with her as Ryan comes in, and flee as soon as they're humanly able. They're afraid Ryan will ask for a touch-up and they'll be stuck there all night. How's Diana? She's great! Did she sleep? Like a brick! Can she answer this extremely stupid question about whether or not she can "celebrate" or if she's still in "compete mode"? No, she can't! It's a really stupid question. She'll just say that it's almost over and she wants to cherish the last few moments she has left. That kind of sounds like she thinks she lost.
Oh, poor Diana. Here's how you know you've lost: They got Kimberly Caldwell to host the party in Atlanta for her. She will always be the American Idol patron saint of desperate attention whores. Matt Rogers has a shrine to her. Through a remote, Kimberly and her white-trash overteased hair get really close to the camera to tell us all that there are lots of people here screaming. We can't hear her very well, because it turns out there's a lot of people there screaming. She bluntly orders the governor of Georgia to come up to her (Who cares if he's an important elected official? I'm a celebrity. I can do what I want. Look at me! Look! Look! I'm Kimberly!). The guy's name is Sonny Purdue. What a perfect Southern name. He says they're all cheering for Diana. Except for that one person cheering for Simon. Governor Sonny has a bet on with the governor of North Carolina. It's one of those bland governor bets where the loser sends the winner a case of agriculture associated with their state. They never bet anything interesting, like having the loser cover the winning state's budget shortfall or agree to store its nuclear waste. The governor is also wearing a pink jacket to support Diana. Well, that explains that ugliness, but it still doesn't excuse the horrible tie. Diana blows them all kisses and we're done, for now.
Commercials. On the bumper back, various irrelevant D-list celebrities like Tom Arnold and Star Jones tell us who they think is going to win.
We head backstage again to harass Fantasia in her dressing room. She's got a stylist touching up her lips, which she makes a joke about. They discuss the amount of work it takes to gloss Fantasia's lips; then she turns to Ryan and puts some lip gloss on him for good measure. Heh. She's got flowers and gifts in her dressing room. Toni Braxton sent her a candle. Poor, poor Diana. She really didn't stand a chance.