From Dusk Till Jon

Tuesday. Why is every contestant singing the same damned song? Oh, wait. That's the Bush administration.

Wednesday. Here we are. Once again, no pre-credits pointlessness. Yay! Keep it up, guys. Ryan "Mr. Pink" Seacrest greets us on the Seal in a suit that looks grayish-purple, and a white shirt with vertical pink stripes. It looks like he got the last tux available at the rental shop prior to prom. He greets everybody and tells us he'll be our "date" for the hour. I hope he doesn't expect me to put out. I don't know where he's been, but I have some very strong suspicions. He tells us that tonight's theme is "songs from movies." He says that contestants are supposed to pick a song from the movie that means the most of them, which is a guideline that some contestants (and by "some," I mean "George") took a little too seriously.

Ryan introduces Simon "Sidewinder" Cowell by saying Simon's got Hannibal Lecter's smile and William Shatner's corset. As opposed to George Hamilton's skin, like Ryan. Or Anne Heche's brain, like Paula. He introduces Paula "Go Go Yubari" Abdul by calling her as "graceful as Garbo [oh, please], as beautiful and fragile [in the head] as Audrey Hepburn, and about the same size as Stuart Little [you should talk, tiny Monkey Boy]." Randy "Cottonmouth" Jackson is introduced with a bunch of movie title parodies containing dogs, such as "Cheaper by the Dachshund." I think they hired an intern from Mad Magazine to write this intro.

And we have a guest judge tonight, as everybody already knows, because he won't shut up about it in the press or anything. That would be Quentin Tarantino, director of Kill Bill, Vol. 1 (ON DVD NOW!) and Kill Bill, Vol. 2 (IN THEATERS NOW!). So Shovelhead (as Regina so elegantly nicknamed him in his guest appearances on Alias) heads out on stage wearing a hideous shirt with blue, orange, and white vertical stripes and one of those ugly shell necklace that tasteless teenage boys wear. We get a clip show about Quentin's movies. Props to the editors for managing to find enough Tarantino clips to use and still keep the G rating for the show. They managed to find the one second of Uma's fight scene in the House of Blue Leaves where she wasn't cutting somebody's arm off. Ryan's narration tells us that Quentin is careful with his music picks in his movies, and that's part of his "distinctive style." Don't forget the oddly stilted dialogue! That's his style, too!

We return to the stage to find Quentin seated between Simon and Paula. For our little clip shows tonight, each of the kids is going to tell us what his or her favorite movie is, which has absolutely nothing to do with the song they've chosen, nor is it of any interest to anybody on earth, whatsoever. First up is George Huff. His favorite movie is The Wiz. We see clips of the movie. He says his "favorite" character was the Wicked Witch, because of her make-up. Also, she was kind of dressed like a Mardi Gras float, so that probably appealed to George as well. He says that The Wiz encouraged him to audition for American Idol because Dorothy didn't even know there was this whole world out there, which George compares to his experience pursuing his dreams on American Idol. George, honey, I don't know if you noticed this, but Dorothy spends the whole movie trying to get back home.

And now, George is going to sing "Against All Odds." See? No relation. George is standing on the stage in a gray suit with a black and white shirt. I'm conflicted about the performance. I think he does a pretty good job with a song that isn't really in his range or style. And it's a song that just sucks ass, anyway. He has a much harder time holding notes steady, and his hoarseness makes the song sound a little blah. He's okay, but it's just not the right type of song for him.

Judges. Randy insists that "they" call George "Mr. Huff." Nobody calls George "Mr. Huff," Randy. Nobody calls you "dawg," either. Stop trying to get all "T-bone" on us, here. Randy doesn't think "Against All Odds" was a good song choice for George. The audience boos. Randy doesn't think George was on pitch for the song. I didn't hear that. I heard him having trouble holding the notes, but he didn't sound that bad. Paula starts off with the "you know I'm a huge fan of yours" way of backing into her criticism. Is there a contestant Paula is not a huge fan of? She points out that, given the theme, the kids could have picked pretty much any song they wanted, and wonders why George picked this one. George says that the song talks about his experiences here and all he went through. What, did his girlfriend leave him brokenhearted? Oh, another contestant who doesn't know what the song is about. Paula says she understands, because George doesn't make any sense, and Paula, as we all know, claims "Nonsense" as her native tongue. In fact, she responds in her language of Nonsense when she tells George the song didn't "show the colors of [his] voice." Shovelhead says with his poseur homeboy accent that George made him forget that he hated that song. Shovelhead chops wood with his hands as he tells George that he sees him getting better and better each week. Simon agrees with Randy and Paula. He thinks it was George's weakest performance and a bad choice of song. The audience boos. Ryan heads out onstage to give the blah-blah-blah vote-text-message-cakes.

Commercials. When we return, it's time for Jennifer Hudson. Her favorite movie is Sister Act 2. No, really. It is. She says it's because all they ever do is sing in the movie. Oh, in that case, my favorite movie is Peter Gabriel -- Secret World Live. Plot, schmot. Jennifer thought it was hilarious when Whoopi got glued to a chair. I'll take her word for it, having never seen the movie. And in spite of seeing a short clip of Whoopi scooting around on a chair, which as funny aswellanything else Whoopi does these days.

And since she loves Sister Act 2 so much, because of all the singing, Jennifer has selected "I Have Nothing" from The Bodyguard this evening. Jennifer is standing onstage in an elegant, sleeveless black dress and earrings that look like eggbeaters. This song appeals to Jennifer's melodramatic belting, and she does, bugging her eyes out in surprise throughout the song as if to say, "I have nothing? How did that happen? I had things, I swear! Don't just look at me like that! You better get the hell up off your ass and find those things of mine. You better believe I better have more than nothing by the time I finish this song!" She starts a little too low in her register, but makes up for it in the belting section (75 percent of the song). A good performance of a predictable song choice.

Judges. Randy said she got a little pitchy in parts, but corrected it and gave a good performance. Paula says that Jennifer is coming into her own in the competition and has shoved herself securely in her box, and is therefore fit to stay. Shovelhead says, "Hudson takes on Houston and wins." Oh, Jennifer would totally kick Whitney's ass. Bobby's, too. Shovelhead advises her that, now that she's found her way into her melodramatic belting box, she must never, ever leave it. That should be interesting if they have a ska night. Simon says that last week Jennifer proved why she should why she should still be in the competition. This week she positioned herself as a possible frontrunner. He suggests that two of the other women might have voodoo dolls of her. Well, she'll just kick their asses, too, I'm sure. No little stick pin is going to hold her back. Ryan comes out and gives her numbers.

up is Jon Peter Lewis. Jon's favorite movie is the overwrought, overrated Dead Poet's Society, that movie with that guy who kills himself because he can't be in a play. It also inflicted Ethan Hawke on an unsuspecting world, and taught Robin Williams that cloying mawkishness would be rewarded, so it has a lot to atone for. Jon reminds us that the moral of the story was "carpe diem -- seize the day," a lesson many, many young folks have used for just doing whatever they feel like.

And so Jon is going to sing "Jailhouse Rock." Although it's not clear whether or not we'll actually be able to see him, because the lighting folks have turned on these huge white lights behind him, blinding the viewer. He's wearing a black jacket and jeans and red shirt. If you like Jon: He's dancing again! That's sooooo cute! And he's rocking out. His voice is so distinctive! I hope he gets to make an album.

If you don't like Jon: Why is he screaming at me? Seriously, he's not singing. He's shouting. And not even "with tone." He's just shouting. And it's "seize the day," not "seizure all day." His eyes are both blank and desperate at the same time. They cut the verse of the lyrics out with the gay hook-up. Seriously, it's in there. Look it up if you don't believe me. And he sounds like he missed some words, though with the enunciation so fucked up from his shouting, it's hard to tell.

Judges. Randy declares that Jon is back. Yes, I know he's back. He's back every week, regardless of his awfulness. Well, not for much longer. Yay! Paula declares that this performance exemplifies what Jon is and what America loves. Hee hee hee! I know something you don't know! Shovelhead declares that Jon is the "geekiest" rocker since Freddie and the Dreamers. He adds that there's nobody quite like Jon, which goes against my theory that anybody could sing like Jon if they had no sense of shame. Simon wonders if that means that Shovelhead liked it. Shovelhead says he liked it in a "Jon Peter Lewis kind of way," which prompts Simon to figure that Shovelhead didn't really like it. Simon thought it was awful. Quentin says it was fun. Simon says it's not "Comedy Idol." Then he adds, "Or maybe it is." Oh, you've just figured that part out? Shovelhead says that Jon isn't Pavarotti. This performance is just Jon's style. Simon concludes that he's confused. Simon means himself, not Shovelhead or Jon, though they're probably confused, too. Ryan comes out to the stage to give the numbers, but stops to ask Simon why he's confused. Simon points out that under normal circumstances, if somebody sang like that in the auditions, he'd cut him off after two seconds. But now the audience is giving him a standing ovation. If you like Jon: Because he's fun and unique! If you don't like Jon: That audience would give a swarm of killer bees a standing ovation as it stung them all to death. Ryan gives us Jon's numbers.

Commercials. Apropos of absolutely nothing, "tripping over my dog" is my new euphemism for cruising for gay sex.

When we return, it's time for Diana Degarmo. Diana tells us that her favorite movie is Bowfinger, which is without a doubt the strangest choice of all the contestants. She doesn't even seem to care about the satire of the movie or anything. She just loves the scene where Eddie Murphy is trying to run across the highway and not get hit. Okay, then. I'm sure much can be learned from Diana based on that being her favorite scene in the movie. Also, Diana tells us she idolizes Celine Dion, which surprises me about as much as I am surprised about the sun coming up each morning.

Diana will sing "My Heart Will Go On." Why? Whyyyyyy? This song choice just shows how sheltered and detached she is. Anybody with any interaction with human beings anywhere on earth would know that people couldn't possibly be sicker of this song. I know Kimberley Locke sang it last season, but she at least managed to do something different with it. Diana is just trying to mimic Celine and failing. Her hair looks nice, though. It's long and curly. She's wearing a nice black dress, too. Her performance is technically okay and as exciting as washing the dishes. She handles the key change well. There's that.

Judges. Randy says Diana chose a tough song and was "a'ight." Paula agrees. Shovelhead says, "Diana, you pulled off the song, butso what?" Heh. He points out that everybody is sick of that song. "You pulled off the notes, but I don't care." Hee. Burn. He says that it felt like there was glass between the two of them. The audience even mildly applauds him. See, you can be nasty if you're the guest judge and get away with it, because the audience has this strange sense of politeness to the guest judges. Simon, after pointing out that song has negative connections to the words "Titanic" and "sinking," says that part of Diana's problem is that the audience doesn't understand who she is. He says she's like an "overgrown child." I think he's trying to refer to that whole lack of connection of somebody who hasn't lived life yet. But then he says that she doesn't seem to be acting her age, because she's like an "old soul up there." What? Is she too young or too old? Now I'm confused. He declares the performance predictable. In one of the creepiest moments I've seen on this show (not counting the commercial we'll see tomorrow night), Ryan comes out to give Diana's numbers as she wears her big fake pageant smile and her eyes start to glaze over like she's going to cry.

Commercials. When we return, it's time for Fantasia Barrino. Fantasia's favorite movie is Finding Nemo. In an interview where she wears a hat made out of a brown potholder, she tells us that Nemo reminds her of her, because he wants to do things for himself and is childish and hard-headed. Well, at least she knows her flaws. She awkwardly transitions, "Just as Marlon strived to get to Nemo, I'm striving to be the American Idol." I'm looking forward to the part of the competition where she rides around on the back of a sea turtle.

Ryan introduces Fantasia to the stage to sing "Summertime" from Porgy and Bess. She's actually sitting on the stage in a pink sleeveless dress that shows off parts of her torso. If you like Fantasia: Definitely an absolutely amazing performance. Her vocal control is absolutely astounding, but unlike Diana, she emotes and infuses the performance with passion. Maybe a little too much passion, but that's in the "if you don't like" section. The notes and tone are just spot-on. There's a little bit of warbling, but it feels intentional, and not the result of lack of control. I would say that it's definitely the performance of the season so far. I would say it was better than any performance from the second season as well. Not so sure about the first season. Tamyra and Kelly both had some unforgettable performances.

If you don't like Fantasia: Is this a death scene? Why the hell is she sprawled out onstage? Why is it the boys get called out if their performances are too melodramatic, but not the divas? She sings the entire song sitting on the stage. Her voice is good, but she manages to get those damned "yeah, yeah, yeah"s in, this time smack in the middle of the song. Stop it. And she makes herself cry! After she's done singing, she starts crying. It's just so over the top. Jennifer's all, "Girl, take it down a notch."

Judges. Randy gives her a standing ovation and declares it was the best single performance he's heard on American Idol. Paula calls it an "Oscar-winning performance." Sigh. Shovelhead declares that Fantasia is "da bomb," but complains that she hasn't been "funky" for weeks. Is there any geeky white person who tries more painfully to come off "street," and fails, as Quentin Tarantino? ["The one time I saw him in person, he was Grateful-Dead-dancing. At a Junior Brown show. I assume that answers your question." -- Sars] Simon says that Fantasia's performance explains why they're hard on singers who are just technically good (like Diana, though he doesn't specifically mention her). He says there was something "magical" about her performance. She's still crying. He concludes, "I don't think you've put those lips to better use," and then winks at her. Hey, hey, hey! Leave those icky double entendres to Ryan! That's his job! Ryan comes and teases Fantasia for crying before giving out her numbers.

up is Jasmine Trias. Her favorite movie is Lilo & Stitch. Oh, how I wish I were kidding. Jasmine is a plant. She was sent to the competition by the Hawaiian Department of Tourism (which probably has a larger budget than the state's general fund). Those flowers in her hair are actually receivers, and her handlers use it to tell her what to say so that she's always promoting Hawaii.

Jasmine will be singing "When I Fall in Love," which was apparently violated by Celine Dion in Sleepless in Seattle, so it's fair game for more abuse. She's wearing a pink sleeveless top and jeans. Her flower is pink (mood: eavesdropping). She's dull. Dulllllll. She says in her interview that this song is supposed to highlight her "vulnerability." The only thing she appears to be vulnerable to is going off pitch by the end of the song. Most forgettable performance of the evening.

Judges. Randy thinks it was okay, but she ran out of gas toward the end. Paula says she has a real nice tone to her voice and did a good job. Shovelhead, for some reason, likes Jasmine, even though she's not that much different from Diana. He thinks she's a "delicate powerhouse." He says he didn't think it was that great a performance from her, but he loves her anyway. Simon says the problem with Jasmine and Diana is that they're children trying to be adults, and it "doesn't connect." He says that he could go to any "Sheraton Hotel" lounge and hear somebody like her sing. He actually specified the hotel chain. Was that a product placement? Should I have blocked it out? Well, maybe they'll send me a truckload of money. The audience boos. Ryan comes out to give her numbers.

Commercials. When we return, Ryan introduces us to Neil Sedaka in the audience. Again with me mentioning people in a recap, only to have them inexplicably show up. Neil is there to pimp Clay's cover of "Solitaire" and desperately hope it will get him some attention. It won't. Poor guy. up is John Stevens. John's favorite movie is Disney's Aladdin. Y'all realize you're not on ABC, right? You're not going to win any points with that one. AndAladdin? Come on. That's not even one of the top five Disney animated features. He loves it because it's fun and has great music. He likes the big parade scene in the movie. Is he on medication? Please tell me he's on some sort of medication. That somebody at the tender age of sixteen could be so dreadfully, painfully dull fills me with utter despair. At least Diana picked an odd movie.

John is going to be singing "As Time Goes By" from Casablanca. Ah, of course. He's sitting on a drinking fountain stool in an off-white dress coat and jeans. If you like John: This is a much better performance than in the past couple of weeks. Er. Not that the performances were bad. They were good! John is cute and such a nice boy! He croons the song well and snaps along with the music. The notes are all perfect and he's so cute!

If you don't like John: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. He has no charisma at all. None. He's as bad as Diana. There's nothing to him. His singing is fine, but there's no warmth or depth or anything. He's just there. Singing.

Judges. Randy says John picked the perfect song for him and did a great job. He says it was John's best performance. Paula points out that it's a big deal that Randy liked it, because Randy hates John. Paula agrees with Randy's comments. Shovelhead says he's not one of John's fans, but he thinks John did a good job with this performance. Simon says John sang well, but has no charisma. He blames it on John's age. I don't think it's his age. I think if you're this dull at sixteen, it's got to be inherent or something. Simon also says John's starting to look a little like Ryan Seacrest. That's not likely. I can only imagine the amount of tanner it would take for John to look remotely like Ryan. It would probably alter his genetic code. Ryan comes out to give John's numbers.

FCC WARNING: UNDER OUR NEW OBSCENITY GUIDELINES, IT IS A FELONY TO READ THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH. WE HAVE FINED AMERICAN IDOL $10,000,000 FOR PRODUCING THIS CHILD PORNOGRAPHY AND TELEVISION WITHOUT PITY $5,000,000 FOR DESCRIBING IT. Once again [product-placed shampoo company with loathsome ads] has paid for a plug on the show. The kids sing "Splish Splash" and dance around the bathroom wearing just towels and shampooing and bathing together. LaToya and Diana are in the same tub together. The boys are bare-chested, and not a one of them is worth looking at. George pretends to play a saxophone. The kids all pretend that they just showered together. Really. I am scarred for life.

Other, child-porn-free commercials. When we return, more padding with the [product-placed cola] moment. Ryan blathers on with Shovelhead for a few seconds. How does Shovelhead feel about the judging? He likes it. Paula keeps trying to interrupt like a three-year-old to say that she wants Quentin to stay. Yes, sweetie, we heard you. Here's a cookie. Now go outside and play. Oh, and Kill Bill, Vol. 2 IS OUT IN THEATERS. Unfortunately, I haven't had the time to see it, or I would have incorporated some references into the recap. Ryan suggests a movie titled Kill Cowell. Simon fake laughs. Then Ryan -- and once again, I feel that I must mention that I am not making this up -- asks Simon if he's blocking his shot, then goes around the table and sits on Simon's lap to get between him in the camera. I guess Matt truly is out of the picture.

The final singer tonight is LaToya London. LaToya's favorite movie is also Finding Nemo, and she disappoints me with bland comments that the movie makes her laugh and brings out the kid in her. She liked the baby octopus and the pee/ink joke. If you haven't seen it, I can't possibly explain it. She tells us that one of her dreams is to perform for an animated feature. That's one really specific dream. And not all that many opportunities. She likes musicals, too, what with the music and all.

Ryan introduces LaToya to the stage to sing "Somewhere" from West Side Story, pointing out that the film adaptation won ten Oscars in 1961, including best score. She stands on stage in a black camisole and slacks. And over the camisole she's wearing what appears to be a shirt made out of necklaces. I don't quite get it. The Hair appears to be gone for good. Perhaps the bathroom scene was too much even for it. Anyway, this is another big belting song, which finally allows LaToya to go back to the sound that got her into the finals in the first place. She's up to the challenge, although I still don't think she has as much note control as Fantasia. She's got more than Jennifer, though. So I guess if I were forced to rank the "divas" (which is apparently code for "black girls who can sing loud"), it would be Fantasia, LaToya, and then Jennifer. Good, solid performance that ends with a great held note.

Judges. Randy says he's happy to see LaToya "playing for keeps," whatever that means. I guess he means she went back into the diva box just like Jennifer did in order to stay in the running. Paula says she just loves LaToya and the "light around [her]." No, Paula, that's the Valium kicking in. Shovelhead says he just has two words for LaToya: "Power. House." It's a good thing he's not going to be around regularly, because he's said that like nineteen times this episode. Simon says it was one of LaToya's best performances so far. Ryan rushes out to give LaToya's numbers, and then rushes us through the clip show before ordering us to vote.

Thursday. I'd complain about missing the first half of Survivor, but to be honest, I didn't really miss it. I didn't watch it, but I didn't miss it either, if you catch my drift. The Totally Ridiculous Fake Heartbeat of Tension is back to accompany the Melodramatic Announcer as he tells us these kids' "hopes and dreams lie in our hands."

Credits. Oh, I take it back. This is the last tuxedo left for prom that Ryan is wearing. Powder blue? Nobody should ever wear a powder blue dress jacket. Ever. Ever. Ever! Ryan blathers on stupidly about taxes because this aired on tax day and whatever. Shut it. He jokes that one of the kids tonight might end up being kicked out and forced to wipe the sweat off of Randy's treadmill for a living. Ryan's probably just glad he's gotten so famous that he doesn't have to do it anymore. He tells us that 24 million votes were cast again this week. Then he introduces us to the judges again, and then the kids.

The clip recap reminds us that Quentin Tarantino was there. Ryan's voice-over nonsensically declares that some of the performances must have reminded Quentin of his movies. And then we see Jon spazzing out. What is that even supposed to mean? What does that have to do with Quentin's movies? He's still got all his limbs, so it doesn't make any sense. According to the clip show, everything was wonderful. They don't show any criticism of any of the Diana or Jon or anything.

Back in the audience, Ryan finds Jason Priestley, there to desperately pimp Tru Calling to a disinterested world. Tim Minear curses the heavens that that insipid crapfest is still on the air and his show was summarily dismissed. Ryan chats up Jason about the awful show and the fact that Tamyra is making a guest appearance for a plot that makes no sense whatsoever. I didn't actually see the episode, but I'm guessing based on bitter experience. Oh, and R.J. is there too, but he barely gets noticed by Ryan. No, he's not with Jason. At least, not in the audience. Who knows, though -- they might all be tripping over their dogs later. They might even run into Ryan.

Ryan heads over to the judges' table to get them to help them read the intro to the session. They are all incredibly bored through the whole thing. They couldn't possibly give a shit that Christina Christian is back to bore us all again with a musical performance nobody ever asked for. She's onstage with long hair and jeans and a shiny pink bustier that has streamers hanging from it. Watch it you don't trip over those. She's got four dancers with her. Dancers just look ridiculous unless you're dancing along with them. And then it still looks ridiculous, but in a well-choreographed way. One of the dancers looks kind of like he could be Vin Diesel if you had been drinking heavily. I'm not sure why I haven't been. This song is called "Forever and Ever," and is a cookie-cutter talk-singing thing with a fake Latin influence that is all the rage these days. It sounds like somebody drained all the life out some current top-forty songs and patched this stuff together. I feel kind of sorry for these dancers. I hope this gig gets them some attention and lands them something better. Despite all the action and the beat, Christina still just stands there and sings emotionlessly, the way she always used to. After she's done, Ryan comes out and asks her when she's releasing her CD. She says it's debuting in Europe, and then coming to the states later in the year. Translation: Never.