Tuesday. Ryan Seacrest (no nicknames this week, because since I've used just about every single Motown song over the past two seasons) greets us from the audience wearing a hysterically awful cream-colored suit with a black shirt. If there's not a rule that your jacket should never be a million shades lighter than your shirt, there should be. The kids are all hanging out on the Seal, and Ryan reminds us that they're all singing and we're voting and only one will remain and blah blah blah. The dramatic heartbeat sound effect stolen from the promos for ER is back, trying (and failing) to add some tension to the teaser.
Credits. I decided that my favorite episode of any season is the first one in the finals where they cut the airtime back to an hour on Tuesdays. There are a lot of performers and not much time, so there isn't as much nonsense. Well, not as much as usual. There's always a little nonsense. Ryan greets us back onstage following the credits, reminding us what we're watching. He tells us that this week's theme is Motown, which is subtly different from soul, not that such subtleties matter on a show where "Drift Away" is both a country song and a soul song.
The Great Unknown has stepped aside for the evening, not that we actually see them anymore in the finals. Are they still doing the music live? Are they crammed in under the Seal? Anyway, somehow this show has managed to convince the Funk Brothers to play for the kids tonight. The Funk Brothers are ("is"? Gah! Collective proper noun agreement hell!) the eleventeen-piece backing band that played for so many, many Motown acts back in the day. We get a clip show full of archival images and old album covers as Ryan tells us the Funk Brothers played on more number-one songs than the Beach Boys, Rolling Stones, Elvis, and the Beatles combined. They toiled most of their lives in anonymity until a documentary in 2002, Standing in the Shadows of Motown, gave them their due. They give us absolutely no idea what these guys are doing now. Since they're all still together, I suspect they're probably still working the Motown hits in some Vegas review.
Ryan introduces the ten remaining kids back out to the Seal so the audience can scream. Jasmine's flower is blue and white (mood: quietly upbeat). Fantasia is wearing a jacket made of foam padding. Not only is it ugly, it doesn't fit right. Ryan introduces Simon, Paula, and Randy. He doesn't have time for any stupid jokes about them tonight. That doesn't stop Simon from mocking Ryan's suit by calling him Don Johnson. Heh.
Now they've finally resurrected the guest judges, because we just aren't getting enough worthless comments from Paula these days. They had to outsource to fill up their pointless praise quota. Nick Ashford and Valerie Simpson will be joining the judges' table tonight. We get a clip show first, explaining to the younger people who these folks are and why they matter. They wrote and performed a number of popular Motown songs like "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" and "Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing." See, that's what I titled the soul episode. If they've got two themes that are going to overlap like this, maybe they should have placed them apart further in the season. Ashford and Simpson had another moment in the sun in 1984 with "Solid" before disappearing from pop culture. But now they're back! And their love is still ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-hot. When the clip show ends, Ryan introduces Ashford and Simpson to the audience. They're already standing at the judges' table, denying us that amusing moment when they come out onstage right after the clip show, giving us a look at how Time makes everybody her prag. Or not, in Lionel Richie's case, as I recall. Nick is wearing a shiny brown shirt and has long, shiny hair, with a fab goatee-mustache combo. He actually looks better to me than he did back in the day. Not so for Valerie, who is wearing a shiny brown jacket of a lighter shade than Nick's, and has a sort of poofy, '80s-style femullet with long hair in the back and feathered bangs in the front that have been dyed lighter brown than her normal hair color.
And that's it for the padding. Let's get to the singing. First up is Camile Velasco singing "For Once In My Life." No time for clip shows! Yay! Camile's already on stage in a mint green shirt, jeans, and a multicolored wrap tied to her waist. She orders us all to "give it up for the band," which is just dumb because the audience is already cheering for her introduction, so it's not like there's any additional response. Camile makes every insult I've ever made over any finalists' hand gestures in the past seem rather tame. What the hell is she doing with her right arm? She's trying to shimmy back and forth across the stage in some bad attempt at dancing, while her right arm flails around awkwardly. If she had a flag in her hand, I think she'd be spelling out hurricane warnings to all the ships at sea. Her singing is flat and dull and empty. The band is drowning her out in parts, something we'll be hearing a lot of tonight. She's being shown up by a flute at one point, it sounds like. How piss-poor is your vocal presence if you can't be heard over a flute?
Judges. Randy says it was just "a'ight" for him. The audience boos, probably not because he's criticizing, but because they just want him to say something different, for God's sake. He says that it was a bit rough, and she was "pitchy" throughout the song. Paula asks Randy if he has wax in his ears tonight. Ah, Paula, you make it so easy for me to remember why I hate you so much. Have you got wax in your brain? Then she goes and calls Camile "Carmen" by accident. Ha! Yeah, neither of them could sing. It's easy to get them confused. Paula, incidentally, is wearing some black bustier with fishnet sleeves in the hopes that she'll be suddenly asked to reenact one of her old videos. I can't believe OutKast (Eeeeeeee!) put her in their latest video. I choose to think the decision was "ironic," because they've got her as the choreographer for some cheesy high school production. Paula thinks that this was Camile's best performance. Nick says he loves Camile's energy, voice, and her eyes. Valerie pretends she's jealous that Nick said something nice about Camile. Simon said the performance was average and just not good enough. Paula shrieks like an idiot about how wrong everybody but her is. Shut it, loser. Simon says he felt Camile had one more week to pull out something special, and she didn't do it. Interestingly, the audience doesn't really boo much. There's some awkward silence until Ryan finally comes out to give us Camile's numbers. And I think I realized the reason why they want the audience to boo Simon's comments when they're negative. You just have to have something fill up the silence between the judging and Ryan's shtick. Cheers, boos -- it doesn't matter. Otherwise it just feels uncomfortable, even with the show theme song trying to fill up the space.
Commercials. Dear 24 promo producers: They've already had a nuke go off on the show. Having a car explode during your commercials as proof of the intensity of the upcoming episodes lacks a certain sort of oomph.
When we return, Ryan stands to Randy and jokes about how he can't even see Simon tonight because Ashford and Simpson (and their hair) are in the way. Randy sits there signing "I Love You" to the camera, as he does. up is Jon Peter Lewis singing "This Old Heart of Mine." That's the second song Jon has picked that Corey Clark performed last season. That's really not the way to win me over, dude.
If you like Jon: He's so cuuuuute! Cute! His hair's all scruffy this week, and it's cute. His shiny leather jacket with the white stitches is just adorable. The way he rocks back and forth in place and smiles is so cute! And it's his best singing so far in the finals.
If you don't like Jon: It actually is his best singing so far in the finals, but he's still not up too far. I defy him to stay on pitch for an entire line of lyrics. Not even a whole verse. Just one line of lyrics. He also appears to be developing some sort of pseudo-mullet that reminds me of nothing so much as that horrible hair Kerr Smith had on Dawson's Creek the first year of college. Jon still can't dance. He still has the crazy eyes. I still don't get it.
Judges. Randy says he likes Jon's outfit and energy, but his voice just wasn't good tonight. Paula, of course, thinks Jon was the best thing since…well, the last thing she heard. No doubt the thing she hears will be the best thing she's heard since Jon's performance. She thinks he was "in the pocket" tonight, whatever that means. Is that a short joke? He's not that small. She thinks she sounded better than he did last week. Valerie agrees with Paula. She tells Jon, "You did your thing. You served it up." If you like Jon: He aced it! If you don't like Jon: Double fault! Simon starts to talk and then makes the pained, frustrated face he makes when he realizes he's going to say something bad about somebody popular. He says now is the time when some performers should be starting to stand out as potential winners. He says Jon's dancing was bad and his singing was bad. The audience boos. Randy supports Simon's comments. Simon describes Jon's performance as "amateurish." Randy gives Simon a standing ovation. Simon joins in on his own standing ovation. Heh. Bizarre, but funny. Simon and Randy hate themselves some Jon. The audience boos, but not as loudly as you might think. I can actually see a woman in the audience behind Simon nodding and giving the universal "Ya know what? I think he's right!" facial expression. Some heckler in the crowd shouts what sounds like "They're two fat bookends." I hope that wasn't Cute Blond Christian. I wouldn't want to have to break up with him already. Jon heads over to Ryan, who mentions that Simon stood for his own ovation. Jon responds, "Because no one else will." Oh, waaaah, you talentless little twit. He's nicer to you than I'd be. Ryan gives us Jon's numbers.
up is LaToya London to sing the Smokey Robinson hit "Ooh, Baby, Baby." LaToya stands on the Seal in a cream-colored dress, and I think Matt left his Hair behind and it grew about a foot and clamped itself on top of LaToya's head. It's not leaving without a fight! Besides, it's helping rid the mansion of some of the (alleged) vermin. Anyway, the singing: This is more of a crooning song than a belting song. LaToya does have a sweet voice, but she still doesn't have as much of an impact as I would like from her. She hasn't matched that one belted note from the semifinals with similarly stellar abilities in all other areas. I think she's very, very good, but she still has plenty of room to grow vocally. There are points in the verses where it sounds like she's about to lose the note, but she's better than other contestants at keeping it from happening. That's good, but she needs to not get into that situation in the first place.
Judges. Randy's not a fan of the Hair. He says she sounded a little rough when she started and he was worried, but she pulled it together and he liked it. But not the Hair. The Hair threatened him the night Matt got booted, even though Randy didn't even get to talk about the vote, so he's a little worried about what it might do if it grows any more. Paula says that LaToya can do no wrong and is beautiful. LaToya interrupts with a wardrobe malfunction and has to pull off one of her shoes. Paula suggests she throw it at Randy. She doesn't. I wonder if she would have gotten more votes if she had. Nick thinks LaToya did a great job "cooling off" her powerful voice to croon this song. Simon says he thinks LaToya sounded great, but he agrees with Randy about the Hair. See, the Hair only threatened Randy, but after the results show last week, it actually jumped off Matt's head and tried to stuff itself down Simon's throat and choke him to death. Simon says it looks like LaToya has a cat on her head. Well, I'm not sure about that. Maybe if it was one of those fancy ones with the insanely long hair. Ryan comes out and reads us the numbers, while Paula, off-screen, has apparently lost it in a stoner's giggle fit. We don't get to see it, but Ryan does make note of it.
Commercials. Bunnies! Awwwwww.
When we return, it's time for Amy Adams, singing "Dancing in the Streets." I just assumed that was going to be Diana's song, though what she ended up with was much, much worse. I'm shuddering already just thinking about it. Anyway, back to Amy: Amy is wearing black pants and a strange black torso-baring camisole that looks like one of its straps is made out of tin foil. Amy's voice is good, but not astounding. Pretty much back to the way she was on soul night after having such a stellar country music performance. Amy is also getting drowned out a little bit by the band and the backup singers. Since her voice is pretty loud, you have to wonder if there isn't a sound mixing problem. Overall, a good performance, but not particularly noteworthy. Except that the ending is awful, with a bad held note and some off-pitch "Dancing in the streets!" shout.
Judges. Randy says it was great except for those last notes. We see Amy's hot boyfriend in the audience. See, I don't feel so bad about her rejection. Look what she's going back to! Comfort sex! Paula agrees about the end of the song, but thought the rest was great. Valerie says she thought Amy sounded great, but wished Amy had veered a little bit away from the cookie-cutter, familiar version of the song and put more of herself in it. Simon agrees, and calls it one of those "safe" song selections. Then he concludes that Amy keeps reminding him of somebody, and he couldn't think of who it was until recently: Jay Leno. As Amy and the rest of us are absorbing that bizarre comment, the music kicks up because time just ran out. Jay Leno? Simon says over the music that she looks like Jay Leno's sister. I guess he's referring to Amy's chin. It's rather large, but I never actually noticed it until Simon mentioned it. And it's not the same shape as Jay's. Amy laughs and says that wasn't nice as she heads over to Ryan and the drinking fountain stools. Simon clarifies that he didn't mean that Amy looked like a guy. Just like she could be Jay Leno's sister. I think they need to test for a gas leak near the judges' table. Ryan gives Amy's numbers.
up is John Stevens to mutter his way through "My Girl." He stands at the Seal wearing a black suit and matching shirt. If you like John: He's so cute! And he's…uh…cute! Isn't he just so cute up there, snapping his fingers and smiling? Isn't he?
If you don't like John: Jesus H. Roman on a pogo stick, is this performance dreadful. He's off-pitch through the whole song, and he's been infected with vibratosis. He stands there bouncing up and down slightly with his knees and staring vaguely at the front row. It's a blessing that the Funk Brothers drown him out during the choruses, because he's so unbelievably off during them that it's painful to listen to. Awful. Worst performance in this season's finals.
Judges. Randy says it was a little rough; John sang the whole song slightly under pitch. Nobody boos. At all. He must have been even worse live. Paula practically repeats Simon's comments to Amy word-for-word to John, which Simon points out. Nick says that he thought John sounded "pure and innocent." After a pause, he says that John sounded "not bad," and then chuckles. When you give somebody an opinion and then chuckle afterwards, you're pretty much projecting that today is Opposite Day. Simon says that he has been a fan of John's in the past, and his grandparents are in the audience, which Simon says is "cool," but he thought the performance was "abysmal." Again, no boos. Not one. He says he doesn't think there was a note in tune. He starts saying something about Camile, but then gets cut off by a heckler shouting something I can't make out. It ended with "sucks," but I'm not sure whether it was about Simon or John. I'm going to guess it was about Simon. I suspect that he was about to say that John just gave Camile another week in the competition, which turns out to be sort of right, but not in the way he expected. Anyway, there's no time for Simon to complete his thought. He gets shut down by the "Uh, uh, uh, whoa, whoa"s of the theme song kicking in briefly, indicating the end of the judging. Ryan comes out and gives John's numbers.
Commercials. I'm halfway through already! This just doesn't feel right. It's not even one in the morning.
When we return, it's time for Jennifer Hudson singing "Heatwave." She's still working the straight hair and the denim combos. Clearly the stylists have beaten all of Jennifer's sartorial creativity right out of her. It does make her look better, but I miss the craziness. Well, there's always her facial expressions. Are dangly earrings back? I've been noticing them on most of the contestants. The female ones, anyway. And Paula, of course, but Paula's always dangling strange crap off her earlobes. Jennifer's wearing the world's largest teardrop-shaped earrings. Her voice is good, and she's got plenty of energy. And, of course, her look of constant surprise. Somebody needs to break these kids of that awful squatting to the beat that they seem to think is dancing. It's not. It's a form of aerobic exercise and a warm-up for ballet dancers. But it's not dancing. She wails her way through the song (really, there's a part of the song that just calls upon her to wail), tosses in a glory note, and ends the way she seems to do, with a note that just sounds off.
Judges. Randy says she was good, but a little "over the top." Paula says she did a good job. Valerie says Jennifer went for the "big notes" and hit them. Simon says, "Entertaining, manic, mad, but good." This is really how quickly they're zooming through the comments. I love it when they run behind. Jennifer heads over to Ryan and the drinking fountain stools so he can give out her numbers.
up is Jasmine Trias, singing "You're All I Need to Get By," which Ryan points out was an Ashford and Simpson song. It was also the song that really put Kelly Clarkson on the radar after she made it to the finals, so this should be interesting. And by "interesting," I mean "amazingly dull." Jasmine's gone less princessy for tonight, wearing a black camisole and capris that have zippers all over them. Cargo capris? That just isn't right. Jasmine starts off too low for her register in the intro verses that lead up to the chorus, so she sounds really off. She faux-flirts with one of the guitarists, who is probably older than her dad. And when she gets to the wailing chorus, she's just not bringing it. Either the sound for the performers really isn't loud enough (which I'll readily believe), or she just lacks the power to make this song work (which I'll also readily believe). It's just…she's just there. She's a girl who can sing and has a flower in her hair and that's it. She likes to smile. She's as deep as a pancake. No, a crepe.
Judges. The audience won't stop cheering for Randy to speak. Man, she damn well better sound good live. Or perhaps that gas leak has gotten to the audience, too. Randy says Jasmine had a great last note, but he thought the song was pitchy. The audience boos. Paula says she's not hearing what Randy is hearing tonight. No, of course not. I wonder which alternate universe she's listening to performances in this week? Sometimes I wish I heard what Paula hears instead of what is actually being sung. Paula blathers on that Jasmine had control and made it sound effortless. Nick says he loves Jasmine's voice and thinks she did a great rendition of her song. Simon says that last week Jasmine was bland. This week, he thinks she brought back some of the qualities that they like about her. He declares that she's the best they've seen tonight. Ryan heads out on stage and gives the phone numbers to vote for Jasmine.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Diana Degarmo, who is going to sing "Do You Love Me?" You know, the song where the second half of that line goes "now that I can dance"? The song you all learned to do the twist to on '50s Day when you were in second grade? That song? Where on God's green earth did she ever get the idea this song would be a good choice for this contest? Why, in the pageants, I'm sure. Ech. And what the hell did she do to her hair? She's got it all pulled back over her head in some sort of faux-hawk femullet thing. It makes her head look about five inches too tall. Kimberly Caldwell wore something similarly hideous last year. Diana's also wearing a denim jacket, white shirt, and red skirt.
So, when you go to Disney World's Magic Kingdom, they have (or used to have, anyway) one of their mass dining troughs in Tomorrowland, where you buy lukewarm burgers wrapped in foil, pay $12, and sit in three decks of seating and scarf them down so you can hurry up to Space Mountain and wait in line for an hour to ride a really tame roller coaster in the dark. Anyway, God forbid anybody have a moment of silence or non-entertainment there. So there's a stage up in the front that magically rises and lowers to bring up live acts of terribly mediocre singers and their creepy plastic smiles. This is exactly the kind of thing you have to suffer through while you're eating there. Diana prances around in her pageant smile and boring upbeat number while everybody pretends to be interested while waiting for their sister to finish her damned French fries already so they can go on a ride or something. She sounds a little sharp all the way through the song, too. Honestly, I'm having doubts that she'll even have enough experience in five years to make one of those "connections" Simon and I are already harping about. The fakeness is so ingrained in her. I think she might need cult deprogramming. She orders us to "Come on!" about five times. I'm not coming. Knock it off. Are you recruiting for your cult? We see Matt Rogers dancing in the audience, too. He's wearing a hat to hide the fact that the Hair has abandoned him.
Judges. Randy declares it to be the "performance of the night." Paula says that Diana has a big voice, and adds, "[She] can blow." Well, I won't argue with that. Valerie says that she's nervous watching all the kids perform, but Diana made her relax. So I guess nearly putting people to sleep is good in Valerie's book. Simon agrees that Diana's vocals are good, but "visually, it was like a high school production." He says that he can see performances like hers in any high school in America, and he just "doesn't get" her. Randy idiotically declares that you can't hear somebody sing like Diana in every high school and says that it's a "singing show," because he only critiques singing and never, ever, ever comments about, oh, say Latoya inheriting the Hair or anything like that. Ever. Oh, have I not told Randy to shut up in this recap yet? Shut up, Randy. Diana heads over to Ryan, who gives us her numbers.
up is Fantasia Barrino to sing "I Heard It Through The Grapevine." She comes out in the padding jacket and a denim miniskirt with black leather knee-boots. Not really a good look. No part of the outfit goes with any other part of the outfit. If you like Fantasia: It's another one of her charismatic, energetic performances. She flirts with the same guitarist Jasmine did. Man, he's getting some action tonight. She shimmies her way across the stage and uses the increased space she's got well. She sings her way over to the other side of the band and dances alongside the guy with the tambourine. She puts her own spin on the song to fit within her range and style, and pulls off a stellar upbeat performance.
If you don't like Fantasia: Her go-go-lite prancing is really getting tiresome. And either her posture isn't very good, or the crazy foam sweater with its giant collar is making her look hunched over. The combination of her enunciation issues ("shumthing") and her high voice really grates after a while. There's a held note toward the end that's a bit off-pitch, and must she end every single song with "Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeaaaaaaaah"?
Judges. Randy declares (after a bunch of folks in the audience shout "We love you, Fantasia!" in unison) that her performance is what the competition is all about. He accents all his comments by signing "I love you" with his left hand. Paula says she loves how Fantasia worked the stage and molested all the grandfathers in the band. Nick says that Fantasia should have a second name, because "'Fantasia' should be 'Fantastic.'" Well, the name "Fantasia" already indicates something wonderful, doesn't it? Unless you're talking about that Fantasia 2000 thing Disney did. That wasn't so good. Simon says that Fantasia proves the comments Simon had made earlier: a good performance is more than just a good voice. He says that Fantasia's performance was superb. Ryan heads out to the Seal to give us Fantasia's numbers.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan manages to squeeze in the requisite "[product-placed cola] moment" by asking Ashford and Simpson dumb questions about judging. Nick says it's hard, and he wouldn't want to be up there onstage. Ryan mentions to Valerie that Simon is usually poking and harassing Paula. Has she been having problems? Valerie says the opposite is the case, which actually is true about Paula, too. I don't recall Simon ever tweaking Paula's nipples. Valerie does defend Simon, though, saying that the contestants really remember what Simon says, and not the bland compliments they get all the time. We hear Randy whining off-screen because nobody ever remembers anything he says, good or bad, and it drives him crazy.
Time for our final contestant tonight -- George Huff, there to sing "Ain't Too Proud To Beg." George comes out singing, and holding a towel. I thought it was odd at first, but he's also wearing three tops -- a t-shirt, a shirt over that, and a jacket -- so it must be pretty hot in George's world right now. The Dip is back, as well as a few other dance moves, such as getting down on one knee on the edge of the stage to sing into the camera. At least his smile is genuine, so I don't feel like he's going to climb through the television and stab me to death. The song is perfect for George's vocal range, and he shows that he's got a bit more range in his style than you would get from a "backline" singer. Overall, it's a performance that rivals even Fantasia's. If you don't like Fantasia: It's waaaay better than Fantasia's. Although throwing that towel out into the audience at the end is kind of gross.
Judges. Randy says that when he heard they'd be doing the Motown theme yet again, he knew it would be George's night, and George did a great job. Paula dredges up Simon's "backline" singer comment and says that tonight George proved that he can be a star. Valerie says George has a really big voice and doesn't even need a microphone. Simon, inciting huge cheers, says he takes back his "backline" comments from way back in the semifinals, and apologizes. Ryan heads out to the Seal and says he's never seen somebody so excited to be thrown a towel with sweat on it. Aww. He's happy to find somebody who shares his fetish. I'm sure they'll start an adult Yahoo! Group together. Ryan gives us George's numbers. No time for final commercials! Yay! We zoom through the clip recaps, and then Ryan thanks Ashford and Simpson and the Funk Brothers, pimps the web site, and begs us to vote. Then he ends with his sad attempt at creating a signature tagline -- "Seacrest, out." Which is sad, lame, uncreative, and at this point, not even true. If you catch my drift.
Wednesday. Melodramatic Announcer melodramatically announces, "Tonight, the cold hard fact -- your votes will send somebody home." And then to their local FOX affiliate. And then to their local morning radio shows. And then back here to sit in the audience and be on television again. But still.
Credits. Ryan greets the audience from the stage in a boring denim shirt and a navy blazer. He blathers on about hosting and voting and everything he always blathers on about. Viewers set another non-finale record by casting twenty million votes last night. Well done. And by "well done," I mean "knock it off. You're killing me here." Once again, Ryan declares that tonight's contestant will be forgotten into obscurity, forever. Dude, seriously? I wish, but that's not how it works. Stop saying that. He adds, "Remember Jim Verraros?" Yes…he's in a movie now. And he was on your own damn syndicated show not too long ago, wasn't he? It'll be years before pop culture manages to thoroughly expel these kids.
Simon introduces the judges to us all, and then the kids. Jasmine's flower is yellow (mood: serenely happy). In the clip show recap of last night, we're reminded about Ashford and Simpson and the Funk Brothers. We start off with Jon, John, and Camile being told they sucked. Ah, I see the clip editors have picked up on the joys of misdirection. Jasmine and Jennifer were praised. Simon criticized Diana. And Latoya's hair. And told Amy she looked like Jay Leno's sister. George and Fantasia got the most praise.
Group sing alert! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Send your kids out of the room. Exposing them to American Idol group performances constitutes child abuse under some state regulations. At least it's not a medley this time; the kids all sing and dance along to "Ain't No Mountain High Enough." Actually, it's not as bad as it could have been. These kids seem to blend better as a group than the kids in the two seasons. Perhaps that's partly why I find so many of them boring this season. Many of them really are "backline" singers, as Simon puts it. The choreography is cheesy, of course, but there's a lot of it, and the kids did a pretty good job learning it. Camile looks like she's considering fleeing off the back of the stage at one point, having put herself way too far away from the rest of the group. Overall, it's nearly good enough to be a bad theme park stage show.
Commercials. When we return, it's time to read the judges' comments and pull the three down with the lowest votes. Fantasia was awesome. If you don't like Fantasia: She was not! She's safe. Jon was horrible. If you like Jon: He was not! But he's safe. Jasmine was boring, but she's safe. George was great, and he's safe. Ryan idiotically reads that Simon apologized to Paula, but he doesn't explain the reason why (the "backline" comment), so anybody who missed last night's show doesn't understand what that means. Amy got good comments, but it wasn't enough -- she's in the bottom three. I never noticed she had a nose stud before. Speaking of studs, there's her boyfriend again in the audience. Amy heads out to the Seal. Jennifer got good comments, too, but she and Amy must have split the second-tier belter votes. She's in the bottom three. She doesn't seem surprised. Diana is hideously attired in some black shirt pulled off one shoulder with a big pink ribbon sewn onto the left side. Yuck. Also, she's got her hair pulled up awfully and it's sticking out all over. If LaToya had a cat on her head last night, Diana's got a sea urchin on her head tonight. But she's safe and will be back week. Camile was utterly wretched, but she's safe. That leaves John and LaToya. Everybody thinks John is going to the Seal, including John.
But before we get to that, time for the [product-placed car] commercial. The kids all ride around in [product-placed cars] singing "Life Is A Highway" in the desert. I think they might have been in my neck of the woods to film this. I'm so very sorry to have missed it. Once again, the kids do blend pretty well. Weird. Maybe all the rejected kids should start a group. Fantasia is allowed to stand out in parts and throw in her "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah"s. If you don't like Fantasia: Stop it! Stop it! Arrrrrrgh!
Commercials. I bet if Pamie had been recapping Tru Calling, it would be gone by now. And the world would be a better place.
When we return, Ryan reveals that it's actually LaToya in the bottom three. You know they saved her to sit to John because it would be the most shocking bottom-three reveal. She hugs John, who looks like a piece of his soul just died, and heads to the Seal. We cut back to John to see that he's started to cry just a little bit. Ryan asks if the judges think the right ones made it to the bottom. The judges are all in shock over the devastation wreaked by the fandom. You get used to it. Eventually. I haven't yet, but I'm sure somebody has. Paula thinks that the bottom three is definitely out of whack, though she isn't asked to say who should be there. Randy says at least two of the women on the bottom three don't belong there. I'm sure he means Jennifer and LaToya. Stupidly, Ryan asks Simon which two don't belong. Simon didn't say two didn't belong there, moron. He might think all three of them do. He refuses to respond to Ryan's stupidity and says simply, "You let America vote, you live with the decision." Or, you know, sue and claim the polls weren't working right or something. And then, seconds after having shocked us all (mildly) with LaToya's possible ejection, Ryan then tells her she's safe and sends her right back to the Sofas of Relief. She gives Jennifer and Amy hugs before she heads back to apparently comfort John, who is, against all logic, even whiter and paler than he normally is. He's on the edge of turning translucent, I think.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan asks Amy how she feels knowing she might get rejected. Stupid idiot moronhead. How do you think she feels? She says it's hard to stand up here, but it was a "huge honor" to be on the show. Ryan points out that Jennifer practically danced to the Seal. She says she did her best and America doesn't like it, so what else can she do? Hate people, of course! That's what you do when you don't get your way. Hate! And write whiny letters to the editor. Anyway, Jennifer concludes that she's doing it for the fans and whatever.
After the pointless comments, Ryan finally reveals who is being ejected tonight: Amy Adams. She doesn't look all that surprised as she gives Jennifer a hug. Yeah, I think the mid-level belters have got to go before the votes for the good singers outweigh the votes for the ones who can't sing but are cute. I think Jennifer's going to have to go before there are enough votes for the other singers to get rid of Camile, John, and Jon. Unless you like them, in which case, maybe they'll win! No, they won't win. They're not going to win. No matter how much you like them. Amy thanks everybody who helped her get this far, and she gives the requisite fame-whore warning that she's not going to just go away. John is still crying. Amy's hot boyfriend is still hot. Amy's Treat Her Like She Died Tribute Show reminds us that she's wacky! Wacky all the time! She tells us that the best part was performing before a live audience. We see clips of her singing and dancing and hear the judges' compliments to her on country music night. She ends the segment by blowing us a kiss. A wacky kiss!
Back onstage, Ryan asks Amy to sing us out. She gives us another rendition of "Dancing In The Streets" where she's not drowned out by the band this time. The kids all file up behind her and clap. John looks so pale that he's practically glowing. Poor boy. He wants to go home. Do you hear me, people? John wants to go home. Trust me. I know these things. Would I lie to you just so I don't have to suffer through anymore crappy performances multiple times? Of course not.