Shout-out to Screamapiller for the show index headline.
Tuesday. Ryan "What's the Buzz?" Seacrest greets us from atop the Seal with tonight's group of eight. He says we should prepare for this group to "win [us] over," but he lies. How can he just stand there and lie in front of Jesus like that?
Credits. Ryan's dressed rather blandly tonight in a white striped shirt and jeans. He greets us again and tells us all that American Idol is now the most popular show on television. Yeah, well, he won't be saying after tonight. The Great Unknown plays a riff of victory, or whatever. Ryan then says that he's not going to stand up there and "blow [his] own trumpet in front of 30 million people. If [we] know what [he] means." Yes, Ryan, we do. We've witnessed your love affair with yourself from the very first episode. As proof, he goes on and on talking about what he does as the host, to the point where I begin to fear that he'll suddenly say, "Oh, the hell with it -- I'm just gonna go ahead and blow myself right here onstage." Then he heads over to introduce the judges, Simon "Zealotes" Cowell, Paula "Everything's Alright" Abdul, and Randy "Could We Start Again, Please" Jackson. Paula is wearing a top that has boob windows. You know, a dress or tight-fitting blouse that has a big hole in the center so you can see the top of her boobs.
Ryan then heads over to Pimp Central to introduce us to this week's group of singers. Ryan reminds us that we have two brothers competing tonight, as well as his new boyfriend, Matt Rogers. We're reminded that Matt gave Ryan a big bear (because he is a "bear," you know) hug in Pasadena. Matt is up first, and Ryan asks him if he's ready. He says he is. Matt's clip show has the following to say: "Wooooooooooooooooo!" He tells us he's over all the football references, which also works a football reference, so he gets to have it both ways there. We also learn that Matt is a "metrosexual," even though he says he doesn't know what that word means. What about "closet case"? Does he know what that means? Anyway, for somebody all big and burly, Matt likes to shop, primp, and of course mug for the cameras. He does that bit where he peeks his head between some curtains and mugs. That should be a capital crime for anybody over the age of seven looking for his or her parents a dance recital.
Matt heads to the Seal wearing a boring gray and yellow striped shirt and jeans. He's there to perform "What You Won't Do (For Love)," and he blooooows (tm Jon Stewart). He's pure lounge act, complete with the smarmy facial expressions and vague, pointy hand gestures. His voice is okay, but totally unmemorable. He's in tune, which ends up being quite an accomplishment this evening. But right now, you could turn to your circle of closest friends and find one who sings better than Matt.
Judges. Randy says he wasn't "feeling it." Matt immediately interrupts him to ask him what was wrong. Randy says he thought it was "too safe," which I think is this year's code for "too karaoke." Matt insists that he "changed it up" so he could hit some high notes. It doesn't matter, though, because his high notes were boring. Randy thinks Matt can do better. Paula agrees with Randy and doesn't feel as though Matt's performance was as "confident" as they were in rounds. Simon says he'd give Matt's performance a three out of ten. The audience boos, and Matt narrows his eyes at him. But if there's a response, it's been cut out, and he heads back to Pimp Central. Matt plops down on the swirl couch and puts his hand on Ryan's thigh, where it stays until the commercial break. He needs to be comforted after being dismissed so. Ryan asks Matt about the judges' comments. He says they didn't think he seemed comfortable onstage, but he assures us that he is. Ryan gives us Matt's digits. Then, he gives Matt his digits.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Briana Ramirez-Rial, formerly Briana Garcia. I was kind of hoping that she'd change and add words to her last name throughout the competition until at the end, she's like Erica Kane on All My Children but sadly, that's not to be. In her profile, we discover that Briana has a rather unhealthy obsession with suspenders. She says they're her "security blanket" and her "superpowers" originate from them. She says she got her first pair of suspenders from her dad, and I cringe at having unwittingly stumbled into a complete stranger's psychotherapy session. She says her dad is responsible for the way she is today, and he taught her to just be herself. Awwwww. She's doomed. She says Simon reminds her of her mom, who is "just honest." Incidentally, watching this segment qualifies you for one credit in developmental psychology at many major colleges. Apparently Simon told her to lighten up, so she's going to try that out.
Briana heads out to the Seal in a black sleeveless shirt that shows off her slightly muscular, tattooed arms, and white pants. And yes, she's got suspenders -- white ones that aren't actually being used to hold up her pants. She's going to sing "Don't Know Why" by Norah Jones. Eek. I think this is a situation where Briana thinks she's following the judges' advice, but she isn't really. "Don't Know Why" is an airy song, but it certainly isn't one that is either lightweight or has a lot of energy. I don't think that Briana necessarily wants to sing a happy song, and that's fine, but she's singing "Don't Know Why" as if it is intended to be happy. Which it's not. And she probably shouldn't have followed the judges' advice anyway. And the show doesn't have a history of rewarding subtle performances anyway. I'm not exactly sure what she should do. She's a butch crooner. I'm not exactly sure where to go with that. Maybe, like I felt about Ryan Starr from Season One, she'd do better if somebody wrote music specifically to suit both her attitude and her sound. But this show isn't about finding songs that fit certain talents -- it's about finding singers to fit certain shitty pop songs that have probably already been written. Anyway, on a technical level, her voice is kind of thin and a little sharp.
Judges. Randy says that he likes Norah Jones, but Briana's performance didn't even show off her skills as a singer, so he doesn't know what to say. That she wasn't good? I mean, that's what you just said. Paula again tells Briana that she didn't feel as though she got to see Briana's "uniqueness" with the performance. Simon says that Briana's performance was a "big nothing" and that he said to Paula when Briana finished that he wasn't even sure what to tell her. Briana looks like she's about to cry. She heads back to Pimp Central and plops down to Ryan. He says she looks like she was biting her tongue. She says they didn't like it, but that's okay. Ryan asks her to tell the people at home why they should vote for her. She says the audience hasn't seen anything yet -- "it gets way better." Oy. "It gets way better" is the kiss of death at any pitch session, and I don't just mean in the entertainment industry. "I know I suck right now, but if you're just patient, eventually I'll stop sucking." That just really sells it, you know? Ryan gives us her number to vote.
up is Noel Roman. Ryan asks Noel what he's going to bring to the stage to give the judges what they're looking for. The answer: "Myself." Oh, Noel. Ask your brother about what pride goeth before. In his clip show, Noel tells us he's an electronics technician from the Bronx and plays basketball. He has absolutely no personality whatsoever. He got a little nervous once he saw the stage. He's got weird eyebrows. I don't remember anything about him from rounds other than his brother gimmick. The end.
Then he comes out to the Seal and bloooooooooooows. After watching this show for two seasons and seeing Randy and Simon say the words "boy band" with the tone of voice the rest of us would use for "goat fucker," why the hell would anybody with any sense at all perform "This I Promise You"? Could it be that the Romans had to be brought to the semifinals together because they share one brain? He's utterly wretched. He's never in tune. At all. Those weird little demon creatures in the Quizno's commercials sing better. He sounds like he should have been in some bland rejection montage during the initial auditions.
The judges unanimously agree about the sucking. Randy says Noel got five notes in tune out of twenty, and says he's getting worried about this group. He wonders if they didn't make some mistakes with their selections. Paula wonders where the "dynamic personality" went to that they saw in Noel previously. I don't know, since none of us ever saw it. We'll just have to take your word for it. Simon says that if the point of the contest were to sing every note out of tune, then Noel would win. The audience boos. But then Simon asks if anybody actually liked his singing, and nobody raises a hand. Ha!
Noel heads back to Pimp Central. Ryan asks him what happened. He sucked. He knows he sang out of tune. But when Ryan asks him if he fits in with last week's singers, he says, "Yeah. Why shouldn't I? There's no reason why I should say I don't." How about because you bloooooooow! Your singing suuuuucks! Ryan takes a moment to let us all absorb Noel's obliviousness before giving us his number, just to make sure we all have it and don't dial it by accident.
Commercials. When we return it's time for Kara Master, whoever the hell she is. She's got blonde streaks in her hair. In a clip show, Simon says she reminds him of Julia DeMato, but better. People say she looks like Sarah Jessica Parker, which she does, and says she takes it as a compliment, which it isn't. The woman has a horse face. Kara says she thinks Sarah has "one heck of a fashion sense," and I laugh and laugh and laugh. Perhaps Kara will perform in a tutu? This montages into Kara trying on a bunch of different outfits, telling us she wants to look good for her performance. Uh. What about the singing? Hello? Anybody? Did she practice singing at all?
Hmm. Probably not. Kara hits the stage to perform some song called "I'm Outta Love." She bloooooows. Oh, and her outfit is hideous, too, which seems appropriate. She's wearing a turquoise sleeveless top that gets all baggy around her waist, and a denim miniskirt. I can't believe she spent days picking that out. Anyway, back to her blowing: Her voice is bland and utterly without tone or energy. My God, she does remind me of Julia DeMato. But in the sense that she's practically a zombie up there onstage, singing the song in a near monotone as she soullessly march-dances her way across the stage. She gets the neon color splashes as a background screensaver, reminiscent of those lighted mood speakers from the '70s. Those were the coolest things ever. My dad had them when I was a little kid, and I would just sit there and watch them for hours. I didn't even need to be stoned.
Judges. Randy says the first syllable of about a dozen words that are probably negative in tone before finally settling on "It just wasn't for me." Kara obliviously asks for something "constructive" to fix about her performance. Randy says, "Pick a better song and sing it better." Heh. Kara responds, "Reaaaally. What are you doing after the show?" with fake violent intent. Randy doesn't respond, because after the show he's going back to his career in the music industry and Kara isn't, so it seems kind of cruel to rub her face in it. Paula says that Anastacia had a huge number-one hit with the song, and it makes it hard for Kara to perform. Wait. Who? What? It was a number what? I have never heard of her. Or this song. It was number one? In America? When? Man...it's over. I'm officially too old for this show. Just like Matt. Simon says it's a good thing they didn't charge the audience to attend, or else they'd have to give them all refunds. He wonders if it's possible for anybody tonight to win at all. Kara heads back to Pimp Central and plops down to Ryan. Ryan asks her what she thinks about what the judges said. She says singing is difficult. Especially when you can't sing. Like Kara. Ryan asks her why anybody should vote for her. She says she has a sinus infection and can't hear out of one ear. Well...lucky her. Ryan gives us her number.
Commercials. I ignore all the ads for teen movies to check on the status of my 401k. The five funds I've invested in are all down. I wonder if I should move everything to low-yield bonds for a little while. These are the things you think about when you're too old to know who Anastacia is.
up is Lisa Leuschner, who made the insurmountable mistake of not looking like somebody Simon wanted to sleep with. She tells us in her profile that she picked up some bad singing habits as a "karaoke assistant." You know, whenever my job gets a little stressful, I'm just going to say to myself, "Well, at least if you don't have to go around with a job title that indicates you're not quite good enough to manage a karaoke machine yet." We see her with Debra, who points out that Lisa tends to look up at the ceiling when she sings high notes. We're also reminded that she auditioned last year, and Simon called her fat, and he did so again this year. But she says she's comfortable with her body and she's not going to let Simon get to her. In the clip show, we see her wearing some inadvisable outfits. The thing about Lisa is not that she's too large; it's that she tends to wear unflattering clothing that tends to make her look even larger. She's kind of like Kimberley Locke that way, in her early rounds where she was wearing pantsuits and other things that emphasized her hips. In one shot, we see that Lisa is wearing a shirt that shows off about an inch of skin right at her waistline, which is really not where she wants to draw people's attention.
Lisa heads out to the Seal to sing "Sweet Thing." Fortunately, she's dressed a bit better for the competition, in a slimming black top and skirt with matching thigh-high boots. Except that partway through the song, the top pulls away from the skirt, showing off that inch of skin again. Not a good idea. You want the attention on your pretty face and red hair. And I think her hair looks better when it's straight. Here she's got it all frizzy at the bottom, and it looks damaged. Well, I figure if I can't look as good as Kyan, I can just pretend to know as much. But her singing is definitely the best of the night. She's got a nice, simple tone. She doesn't resort to any melisma, though she does go for the growling effect a little too much. I can live with growling, though, if I don't have the vocal gymnastics. Actually, I kind of like growling. It's...naughty. Anyway, that's enough oversharing. The point is that Lisa sounds very good and confident. I thought perhaps I overpraised her in the recaplet for the episode, but she still sounds very good on repeat viewings.
Judges. Randy is thrilled that they've finally had somebody who can sing. Paula agrees. Simon says, "Yeah, you did something different tonight. You sang in tune." At first it sounds like Simon is saying Lisa hadn't sung in tune in the past, so he clarifies that he meant that she did something different from all the other singers in the second round. He thinks Lisa sounded good, but not fantastic. Lisa heads back to Pimp Central, where Ryan asks her if she's ecstatic at the praise. She is. Could she tell the song was going well? She could. Thank you for putting up with Ryan's nonsense. Ryan gives Lisa's numbers.
up is Jesus Roman. I have been trying my hardest to find a way to link Mel Gibson's The Passion to him in jokes, but I just haven't had much luck. I guess it's probably because I'm ignoring the whole controversy anyway. Ryan clarifies that Jesus is pronounced the way we pronounce the son of our Lord, and not in the Hispanic fashion. Jesus tells us he's a handyman (carpenter, dammit!) from New York, and thinks this might be his only chance to be a star. We see a clip of Simon telling Jesus that his body language is insecure. Well, it's hard to look confident when you've got nails through your hands. He tells Jesus that if he doesn't believe in himself, then nobody will believe in him. Yes, I think that would present a rather big problem if nobody believed in Jesus. Or, actually, perhaps it would solve a big problem. I just haven't gotten enough hate mail lately. Debra makes him do push-ups because he's stiff or something. I don't know. They can't make me care anymore than church can.
Jesus heads out to the Seal in a bland black and white outfit to sing "Back to One." Oh, the gnashing and the wailing that would have taken place if Tsathoggua were still hiding under there. Oh well. Or maybe there wouldn't have been. Jesus's singing is so boring that Tsathoggua might not have even noticed. Wait, does "Jesus" as a possessive get an "s" if you're not talking about the actual son of God? ["Yes." -- Sars] Oh, the crazy, crazy world of grammar. Uh, anyway. Jesus is boring, off-key, and sings through his nose. And he does the "Please don't take my baby!" gestures. Oh, and he knows that he's sucking, which is making him look terrified, which is making him suck even more. Yet another stupid gimmick crashes and burns.
Judges. Right before Randy opens his mouth, Jesus rolls his eyes. Randy asks him if he did that because he knows what's coming. Jesus knows all, of course. Randy says it sounded like the early auditions again, and one of the high notes made him cringe. Paula said that Jesus came out defeated. Like he had this big...burden...to bear. She says they had all been fans of Jesus in the early rounds. They loved Jesus. But not so much anymore. Simon says that the good news is that Jesus made his brother sound good. What I find amusing about Simon is that sometimes when he says something he knows is going to be offensive, he goes into his "What? Why is everybody so mad? I'm just being honest" mode before the others actually respond. He does that here, looking around surprised before the audience actually starts groaning at him. Paula says that she wants to hit Simon. Simon says that he wishes she would, because it would make him feel better after these performances. Jesus heads back to Pimp Central. Ryan asks Jesus if he agreed with the judges' statements. He says that he did -- he thought he sounded horrible. Ah, so the scales have fallen from his eyes. Wait, that wasn't Jesus, was it? It's Bible-speak -- that's enough for me. Ryan asks why Jesus should be voted to the final twelve. Because Hell is a painful place to spend forever, that's why. Actually, Jesus says he's going to work hard and sing good and stuff like that. Ryan gives his numbers.
I spend the commercial break going over my last will and testament.
When we return, it's time for Hawaiian Camile Velasco, or, if you're particularly fond of conspiracies, "the winner." In her profile, she reminds us that she's pretty and young and a member of the working class as a waitress. And she's pretty. And she's nervous. But mostly, she's pretty. And she cried during rehearsals.
Camile heads out to the Seal to sing "One Last Cry." She's wearing an off-the shoulder macramé white blouse, along with matching pants and a waist wrap. She has girl bedhead, which means she has long hair that is deliberately and carefully made "unkempt." She's...not good. I wouldn't go so far as to say she bloooooooows. But she's all over the place with the notes, and she's slurring some of the words. She sounds almost like she's drunk. She has almost no stage presence and does sound as though she's going to burst into tears at any moment. Actually, that does sound like she blooooooows. She's not that bad, but Lisa's performance left her in the dust.
Judges. Randy wants to know what happened to his "hip-hop" girl with the "Lauryn Hill" vibe. Was that what she slurred in Hawaii? I went back and looked at the old recap to see that I had said the judges overpraised her way back then, too. Interesting. He says he loves Camile's "tone," but doesn't think it was a good song for her. He says she was "ai'ight." Oh, how I hate that "word." Paula agrees that they all felt she was a young Lauryn Hill, and everybody knows that once the judges stick you in your box, they will rake you over the coals if you ever try to climb your way out. I wonder if they even asked her if she wanted to be a "young Lauryn Hill"? Paula still likes the sound of her voice, though. Simon agrees with the others, for the most part. He says of all the people in the competition who have "potential," Camile was probably the best tonight. So I guess that makes Lisa the best of the ones without potential? Or that perhaps Jesus's singing caused Simon's eardrums to burst? Randy and Paula order Camile back into her box if she gets voted to the round. Camile agrees to let others decide what sort of singer she wants to be. She heads back to Pimp Central. How does she feel? She feels relieved. Ryan dwells on the stupid "ai'ight." Shut it before I smack you. He gives us Camile's numbers.
And now it's time for the [product-placed cola] chat session, which only ever has one question, and it's "Do you have anything else nasty to say about Simon Cowell?" Every single week. What do you think about Simon's comments? What do you think about Simon's comments? What do you think about Simon's comments? Matt responds, "I think I would like to make Simon's head bleed!" Uh. I think he was going for "jovial," but landed somewhere in the range of "with psychotic glee" in his line delivery. In the Lifetime movie about abusive lovers in which Matt has suddenly become the villain, this would mark the end of Act I, where we all suddenly realize the big gentle giant is not as gentle as we think he is. Soon he's going to lose his temper and "accidentally" give Markie Post a black eye. Everybody laughs, because you don't talk back to a six-foot-four, two hundred-plus pound man who threatens to hit people. He whines that Simon has not given him one compliment. Because he doesn't think you're very good. Neither do I. Live with it. Camile says she loves Simon and thinks he's funny. Ryan points out that Simon complimented her. Well, why did you ask her if she likes Simon, then, if you're looking for insults? She says that Simon's so sexy that she gets intimidated. Ryan acts like the idea is ridiculous. Yeah, usually Simon has to put on the leather vest and get the whip out before Ryan is intimidated by his sexiness.
Anyway, all this segues into a synergistic cross-promotion of an animated Simon Cowell appearing on The Simpsons. I just saw that episode earlier this evening, and I would say it was definitely in line with the quality of performances in this episode. Anyway, we get to watch Homer beat up an animated Simon, while Simon criticizes his technique. Wow, how very...predictable. I mean, they could have done something outrageous like having Paula jump in and get all Matrix or something. But it's just Simon being judgmental.
Commercials. I compose a letter to my congressman complaining about estate taxes.
When we return, it's time for our final contestant tonight. Thank Jesus. No, not you. Sit back down. The final singer is Marisa Joy, who changed her last name from something complicated that I don't feel like looking up. It doesn't matter anyway. Marisa has flippy black hair and cries at rehearsals. She says absolutely nothing of note in her little preview.
Marisa heads out to the Seal in a lacy black sleeveless top that hangs down below her waist, and jeans. She's going to sing "Some Kind of Wonderful." I don't even notice much about her singing at first, distracted as I am by the fact that she has walked up to the center of the Seal, planted her legs two feet apart, and endeavored to make it look like she's miming horseback riding while performing. She never moves from this stance, perhaps fearing being thrown and trampled by her invisible stallion. Her voice is bland and uninteresting, which causes her weird posture to stand out even more. Overall, a dull performance from a dull semifinalist.
Judges. Randy says that he's glad the performances are over and that Marisa picked an up-tempo song. But he didn't understand "where [she] was going" with the song and why she had that weird stance. He thought the performance was just okay. Paula says Marisa's eyes "light up" when she's on camera. That Paula, always noticing the important things. She thinks Marisa started getting into the song toward the end. Marisa says it's hard to follow everybody else. Honey, you got it easy. It's hard to follow all the good singers. Simon points this out, saying he would have been "delighted" to go last with this crop. Simon says that Marisa has a nice voice, but thinks her "posture" was like a bar singer's. He says that Marisa was one of the top three singers tonight, but thinks that overall, tonight they heard some of the worst semifinal singers ever on the show. Some were "abysmal with a capital 'A,'" he says. Marisa heads back to Pimp Central. Ryan doesn't really say much other than to remind us that the top two singers move on, and gives us Marisa's numbers.
And after a montage of suckiness -- man it was awful -- Ryan begs us to vote for this crap festival and tune in tomorrow night. Oh, and he calls The Great Unknown "Michael O and the Idol Band," which is just lame, so I'm sticking with my name for them.
Wednesday. We open tonight with a quick look at the folks working in the control room, there to make sure that no more of Ryan's dick jokes make it on the air, lest the FCC have them all dragged in front of a firing squad. We cut to the Seal and the eight kids as Melodramatic Announcer reminds us that we suffered through all their awfulness already. Two will go on (to annoy me). The rest will go away. Yay!
Ryan greets us on the Seal wearing jeans, a white shirt, and a black jacket that looks like it's made of felt. He reminds us all that everybody sucked last night, and wonders what happened. He doesn't actually answer the question or anything. He's just filling up airtime, of course. The kids all sit on the Sofas of Despair. Marisa seems to have stolen Kara's top from last night. Ryan tells us that the top two got a similar number of votes -- 27.8% for first place and 27.0% for second place.
Ryan heads over to introduce the judges to us again. Ryan and Simon argue about whether or not Simon was pouting over the suckiness of the night. Paula Abdul is dressed for her role in the remake of the "Smooth Criminal" video, the proceeds of which will be used to pay for the defense of one Mr. Michael Jackson. The fleur-de-lis pin adds a Paula-esquely incomprehensible touch to the ensemble. Ryan calls Randy a hip Al Roker. Because they both lost weight and are black, you know.
Ryan introduces us to the kids again, and reminds us that their families are all safe and secure in Pimp Central, so they won't be directly exposed to their relatives' awful singing two nights in a row and suffer neural damage. We get a clip show that reminds us that everybody blooooooows. Except for Lisa.
So how do the kids feel now? Matt is nervous and still hates Simon. Simon's going to have a terrible "accident" when Matt's Lifetime movie gets to the end of Act III. How does Bri (white suspenders up for the evening -- formal attire for her, perhaps?) feel about it? She agrees with the judges' comments that she lost her edge. She says, "Trying something different was definitely not the best idea." Ah. Every year the kids have to learn this lesson again. Different is bad! The box is good! Pick your box! Love your box! Never leave your box! The box is life! Ryan asks Camile if she still thinks Simon is sexy. She does.
Time for the judges' predictions. Randy guesses Camile and Lisa. Paula blathers on and finally predicts Camile and Lisa. Simon also predicts Camile, but won't pick a second choice because he "doesn't care." Back on the stage, Ryan tells him he "has to care" because he helped bring the kids to this point. So what did he mean? "I didn't care," Simon responds. He has to care! No he doesn't. Ryan points out that he's partly "to blame" for selecting them and thinking they're good enough. Simon points out that he only gets a couple of good ones among all the contestants anyway. I'm sure Simon could whittle the contestants down to five before they even get to this point, but god knows that's not a profitable television venture. He insults Ryan, too, for good measure. Ryan asks Paula what she thinks. She just told us what she thinks. Why are you asking this again? Fine, bring back the dumb-ass skits, if it means I don't have to listen to the same questions and answers over and over again. Paula says her heart "went out" to the contestants over their lackluster performances, but adds that "America will not accept mediocrity." And that generalization is so completely insane that the vacuum between Paula's beliefs and actual reality causes her to physically turn inside-out. Well, it's easy to understand where Paula's coming from if you remember that Paula's definition of "great" is our definition of "mediocre" and that her definition of "mediocre" is our definition of "achingly awful." Randy blathers on that it was tough and he was disappointed and Simon was right that you can listen to millions of singers and still only find a handful of great ones. Ryan mutters that with the amount of money Simon's getting paid, he should be required to care. Oh, Ryan, you silly, silly, stupid, over-moussed, self-tanning monkey of a man. They pay Simon not to care. Don't you get it? It's why he's here. It's his thing. Could you imagine how awful this show would be if Simon actually cared? Go watch Fame from last summer and find out.
I fall and break my hip during the commercial break.
When we return, Ryan pimps some [product-placed car] contest on their web sits where participants make their own music videos. If they actually show those on the air, I will have somebody killed.
Time to reveal the three top vote-getters. Noel sucked bad and obviously isn't in the top three. Jesus was just as bad and obviously isn't in the top three. People go, "Awwwww!" like this is some big tragedy. Ryan asks the two brothers who they think got the most votes. An oblivious Noel thinks he did. Jesus agrees. Well, they're wrong; Jesus got 70,000 more votes than Noel. I'm horrified that the two of them managed to get 70,000 votes altogether, let alone what the actual number was, which was not revealed. It would be amusing if Jesus got 70,000 votes and Noel got none at all, though I doubt it. Lisa looks terribly pale and sick, but she sang well and is in the top three. Her response is rather muted. It really does seem as though she knows how the votes turned out during the show. She's wearing another unflattering outfit that draws attention to her stomach.
Kara is , and she sucked. Goodbye! Everybody is obsessed with Camile's "potential" (and as a Buffy viewer, that might explain why I don't like her), and she's in the top three. And then they get all evil on us. Matt is sitting to Camile, which would normally mean he's a goner. But instead, Ryan switches over to the other end of the couch, skipping Matt and Marisa, and landing on Bri. Eeeeevil! Messing with the contestants' and the viewers' heads at the same time. Bri picked a bad song and was not selected for the final three. That leaves Matt and Marisa, both of whom were meh and both of whom will wait until after the commercials.
I call Mabel during the break to make sure she'll give me a ride to Bingo tomorrow night.
When we return, Ryan announces that Matt made it to the top three. He comes up and makes a big deal of giving Ryan a very slow hug. Are they going to start dancing? No. Oh well. Matt joins the two women on the drinking fountain stools.
No more time for padding. Yay! Ryan wastes little time revealing who the top vote-getter was. It was Lisa, of course! Oh, wait. I guess not. It was Camile. That's odd. Well, I guess America saw her "potential" as well. Maybe someday that potential will translate into her actually singing the whole words in the lyrics of her songs. I mean, there's got to be some middle ground between Clay's overenunciation and Camile's mushmouth. She's excited and overwhelmed and starts to cry. And then Ryan makes her sing anyway. Heh. Her shattered drees and brokeh harr is mehning on the shell. That's what she sings. This is what America voted for. That leaves Lisa and Matt waiting through another commercial break.
I knit myself a tea cozy.
When we return, it's time to finally tell us that Lisa made it to the final twelve. Except that she didn't. Sigh. One good singer. One! It's crazy! Stupid Matt. And Lisa totally knew somehow. She gives one of those "I knew it" fake smiles after it's announced. The women remaining on the Sofas of Despair look a little horrified, Briana in particular. Matt gets all hyper and annoying, and he and Ryan chest-bump. God, I hate him. His singing is so damned boring! I bet they're hoping he loses his temper and kills somebody during a live show. And somebody needs to tell him not to look at the camera when he's responding to Ryan's questions. It's creepy. Did I ask you how you felt? No. So don't go staring at me when you answer the question. Matt sings us out, and he blooooooooows. This is an injustice! Attica! Attica!
week's group of eight will be Amy Adams, Elizabeth LeTendre, Jon Peter Lewis, Latoya London, Charly Lowry, Jonah Moananu, Leah Let's-Join-In-The-Name-Changes, and Eric Yoder.