Hey look! It's Disney's Main Street Electric Youth Parade! The remaining contestants all walk across some plaza, waving their hands in the air like they just don't care whether you think they can sing or not as long as they get to be on television. Ryan Seacrest montages us all the way through Tuesday's show, reminding us that Alan "Trashcan Loin" Ritchson and Lisa "My Love Is Like...No" Wilson frolicked for at least thirty seconds rather than succumb to the voluntary slavery detailed in the agreements they signed to be on the show. Briana "Bri" Garcia hated her group partners and didn't want to dance. I can't wait to see how that turns out. Jesus freaks. Because his group partners went to bed. Ryan tells us that the judges will select the final thirty-two tonight, and that one of them will go on to be our American Idol.
Credits. The transsexual terminator frolics among all the U.S. landmarks it has stolen and secreted away in its underground lair.
I was right! A Historic Theater is in Pasadena. And if it is indeed the same location as the first season's second round of cuts, it's...the Pasadena Civic Center. Fancy. The remaining contestants all arrive in a convoy of earth-destroying, gas-guzzling [product-placed SUVs]. A montage sends us zipping around through several groups' morning practices. Fantasia Barrino tells us she thinks her group will do just fine. Michael Keown smarmily tells us that his group will be in the top three. The other two guys in the group can't stop laughing while Michael talks. They know Michael is a total buttmunch. Can you imagine having to spend hours with him? Various contestants assure us that they're the bomb, and are going to be selected. Interspersed with all the self-love are comments by Simon Cowell, who theorizes that 90% of them will forget the words, and 95% of them won't sing in tune. Randy Jackson just sits there and giggles as Simon predicts that they'll be watching a "musical car crash." Some of the groups give themselves names. Fantasia's group is called the "Divas in Red." They all have red somewhere on their outfits. Somebody suggests that Amy and Nicole's terribly, terribly white group of girls should call themselves the "Ghetto Fab Four." Then they all realize there's absolutely no way anybody would ever buy the "ghetto" part. Michael's group calls themselves "The Bleach Boys," because they all have bad highlights. And also because one of the guys in the group was clearly born in the '60s. They're all wearing black, making them look like hairstylists from old Vidal Sassoon commercials. The Hawaiian guys are, of course, milking the whole Hawaiian thing.
Randy tells us that he's amused by all the contestants who tell us how they've made friends with everybody here, and how they're all "family" now, and he doesn't believe them because it's a competition and all. Yeah, but maybe they're referring to the cameramen? Ryan reminds us that we actually do have part of a family here -- brothers Jesus and Noel Roman. Although, in separate interviews, they come off more as Cain and Abel as they promise to do whatever they have to do beat each other. Jesus even suggests he might "cut [Noel's] throat." Figuratively speaking. I hope.
“ Clifford still sounds like Michael Jackson -- when he was ten years old. It's so creepy and wrong, like he's possessed by the spirit of a dead child who can't be laid to rest until he fulfills his dreams of being a young celebrity. ”
Prior to the start of the group auditions, Simon has some words of advice: "Don't forget the words." Heh. He reiterates it. Randy repeats it. For some reason, Ryan declares this advice to be "sarcastic" and intended to "psych them out." Granted, Simon does have his sarcastic moments of psyching people out, but I kind of think he really, really doesn't want them to forget the words. And where the hell is Paula? Hmmm...we haven't seen Alan yet this morning, either. Suspicious, I tell you!
The first group is the three guys from Hawaii -- Sonny, Jonah, and Clifford -- singing "Up on the Roof." They're okay. They have really nice harmonies, but whoever is singing doesn't stand out much. It sounds like they're auditioning to be back-up singers. Clifford still sounds like Michael Jackson -- when he was ten years old. It's so creepy and wrong, like he's possessed by the spirit of a dead child who can't be laid to rest until he fulfills his dreams of being a young celebrity. And of course, they end with that harmonized singing of "Honolulu" that they probably spent hours on. I'm getting really tired of that crap. Yes, you live in paradise. And I don't. Quit rubbing it in my face. Bastards. Randy likes it, but points out that the harmonies were better than the lead singing. Paula says that the harmonies were beautiful and fun. Simon thinks they were all "reasonable" and "okay." Jonah declares that this is a compliment from Simon. They all say "Mahalo" a lot, which I think is Hawaiian for "milking it."
Oh, let's all bask in the reality-altering glow of Michael Keown's self-love. He and his group say they wish they could have gone first in order to "set the pace." His eyebrows migrate around his forehead as he tells us that if he doesn't win, he's sure he'll still be in the "top three." In some other interviews, he marvels at how nice his own name is, and how it looks and sounds so good. He looks at us and stage-whispers his own name, spreading his hands expansively, imagining it in lights. I have a feeling that people laugh a lot when they're trying to have conversations with Michael, from which he probably incorrectly concludes that people think he's funny. We cut to the group sing, where Michael sounds boring and smarmy, and then forgets the words. Ha ha! There's my old friend, Schadenfreude. The other two guys in the group are named John Praetor (he's the balding guy in his thirties) and Matthew Metzger (who is young and pretty). They're all terribly bland and dull. The judges are bored. Randy says it was terrible. He says it was like a bad cruise-ship performance, and he's drunk and doesn't know what's going on. Paula's about to chime in, but then Michael interrupts to say that they've seen him "a lot better." Yes, but you suck now. And you really weren't that good before. Paula says they weren't great. Coming from Paula, that's the equivalent of what Simon says, which is that they were "Ghastly. With a capital 'G.'" He says that there was no star quality or "edge," and adds, "I expected you to end with a wink." Ha! He totally nailed them. Simon concludes his comments, but Michael doesn't want to let it go, because he doesn't want them to forget for a moment that they thought he was good before. He tells them that he doesn't want to be judged solely on that song. See, he only wants to be judged when people like him, but not when people don't like him. That's perfectly reasonable, isn't it? Simon says that Michael probably won't be alone in hoping he's not judged solely on his group performance today.
And of course, this is the perfect set-up to a montage of suck. Noel forgets the words to "Never Gonna Give You Up." As does Trashcan Loin. As does Eric Yoder. As does some guy in a trucker hat. As does Bao Viet. The judges aren't happy, of course. Noel says he doesn't know what happened. Jesus, in an interview, says that Noel should have done a better job, and that Noel let Jesus down. Noel disappointed Jesus. If only I weren't a complete heathen, I'd probably know more about the Bible and could milk more jokes out of this. But I think there's some sort of saying that goes "Judge not, lest ye be judged." Also, there's something about having a log in your eye, but that one sounds a little extreme. Jesus reminds us that his apostles (George Huff and Matt Rogers) all went to bed rather then practicing all night. And so Jesus's attitude will pay off when he shows them all how it's done. Right? Right? No. His singing is awful, and he forgets the words. Where's your savior now, Jesus? To make it even more amusing, George and Matt are both perfect. It just goes to show that you should listen to your elders. Even if you're the son of God. Although both George's and Matt's attempts to dress young are pretty funny. George is wearing a knit pull-over cap, and Matt is wearing a red newsboy cap. Matt has even got those jeans with the faded bars down the front. Dude, you're forty. You should know better. Randy declares that the performance was entertaining, and compliments George on his efforts to disguise his real age. George says, "I'm young! I'm young! I'm young!" over and over again in an effort to make it true. Randy mentions Jesus's screwing up, and Jesus tries to blame it on George and Matt for not staying up with him to practice. What are they -- human mnemonic devices? How exactly is it their fault you couldn't remember the words? In an interview, Matt points out that he and George didn't seem to have any problems, despite the rest.
And we head back to watch more fuck-ups. Some boy named Jeremy that we'll never see again forgets the words to "Tell Her About It." How can you forget the words to that song? I'm sitting here singing it right now and I'm not even a Billy Joel fan. Terrance forgets the words. John Stevens IV forgets the words. Again. He's 0 for 2 here so far. Simon says that if they were singing karaoke, somebody would turn the power off.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for the women. One group is upset, because their third member, Meleana, is avoiding them. We see a shot of her, wandering around, even though people tell her that the group is trying to find her. She's clearly avoiding them on purpose. At one point, she actually stumbles upon them, but turns and walks away as they call her name. Elsewhere, Leah Vladowski's stage mom is actually proving to be helpful to her group (with Elizabeth LeTendre and Dina Lopez). Or they seem to think she is. Leah's mom, working a black leather biker's cap like nobody's business, tells us she was a pop star in Bulgaria back in the '70s. Did they allow pop in Bulgaria back then? And what kind of songs were they? Ah, a poll that practically writes itself. The girls joke about how much Mom has been working them, but it's obvious that they like having her around, unlike a certain Briana. And it works out well for them. Their group is the first we see, and they're pretty good. Their singing has some minor pitch problems, but they have a lot of energy and good moves in their rendition of "Young Hearts Run Free." And they end with the Charlie's Angel pose requisite for any girl group. The kids all cheer wildly for them. Randy says he appreciates how they came out and gave a creative performance. Paula loved them, of course. Simon says that they might just have a top twelve full of girls this years, and that he couldn't care less if there were any boys at all. Yes, yes, Simon, reports of this season's female agenda are already being overanalyzed in the "conspiracy" thread in the forums.
“ The editors amusingly print out the lyrics again at the bottom so that we can see where they're messing up. Although I'm pretty sure I didn't need that to figure out that there's no line in 'Can't Hurry Love' that goes 'Meh flenny flances, mneh do ana day.' ”
up is the Meleana's "group," consisting of Cortni and Janine, whoever the hell they are. We start with Cortni and Janine singing "You Can't Hurry Love," and neither of them can sing for shit, so I was wondering if Meleana just didn't want them fucking up her own practicing. But then when her turn comes around, she can't remember a single word of the song. Not one. Not even the song title. I'm going to be nice and guess that Meleana wasn't avoiding the group because she was being a bitch, but because she had already choked from the pressure and knew she couldn't handle being around them. She probably should not have even shown up. In another backstage interview, Randy laughs while Simon explains that he watches the other kids in the audition and sees them react with glee when somebody forgets the words, but then look all concerned and supportive when the cameras come around. Heh.
up is the Non-Ghetto Non-Fab Four of Nicole Tieri, Amy Adams, Sara Logan, and Lana Philips. Nicole tells us that they're worried Lana will forget the words again. Nicole should be more worried about the fact that she's even more cheesy and Broadwayish than Clay Aiken ever was. Nicole opens their rendition of "Tell Him" with this sound, attitude, and facial expression that the song is also serving as exposition for a wacky musical comedy. Amy and Sara are fine, if not particularly outstanding. And then, yeah, Lana forgets the words, but comes up with some alternate lyrics, which is certainly better than singing "Mmmm...mmmm...hmm...hmm...hmmm," like many of the others did. But she doesn't sound that good anyway, so it doesn't matter. The performance ends limply. Randy points out that Lana was bad and forgot the words. Paula says that Lana just had a "brain fart." Hee hee hee. Simon thinks Sara did the best job with the song. Randy thinks Nicole did the best job with the song, because it "fit her" the best. Nicole marvels, because it's her first compliment from Randy. In a confessional, she tells us that she wants to make a transition away from Scooter Girl to "Nicole with a big voice and a really big passion to share this gift that she has." Wow, love that double combination of her talking about herself in third person, and then acting like pursuing this desperate bid for attention is like a present to the world.
Then we get a montage of girls forgetting the words to "You Can't Hurry Love." That's an even easier song than "Tell Her About It." One girl recalls to us how she mocked the seasons for this very problem when they had their chance to shine, but then realized how much stress it is to prepare now that she's doing it, and indeed, forgets the words herself. All sorts of people forget the words, including Jasmine and Fantasia. Do any of these women have a name that isn't also a Disney reference? Maybe they should have tried out for The Bachelor on ABC instead. The editors amusingly print out the lyrics again at the bottom so that we can see where they're messing up. Although I'm pretty sure I didn't need that to figure out that there's no line in "Can't Hurry Love" that goes "Meh flenny flances, mneh do ana day." About ten girls messed up the song in all. Ryan apologizes to Diana Ross and the Supremes on the show's behalf. Paula says that they all seemed "defeated" in their performances. Simon wonders if these women aren't ready for the big time.
When we return, it's the last day. Jon "Penboy" Lewis and John both tell us they're ready to shine. Nicole shows off the skankwear she's chosen for the audition: a torso-revealing red shirt, purple scarf (?), and denim miniskirt. She looks ridiculous and desperate. So, you know, business as usual. The kids all arrive at A Historic Civic Center again in their [product-placed SUVs]. Or they just recycle the footage from earlier. Whichever. Everybody practices. George works on trying to look young. They all drew lots for the order. Jonah performs first. He's wearing a Hawaiian shirt (because he's from Hawaii, in case you hadn't heard), and warbles his way blandly through some song. The judges say he didn't sing as good as he usually did, and seemed nervous. Sarah Silva is still as over the top as she was when we first met her. Paula compliments her singing anyway. Leah is from Bulgaria, in case you had forgotten. She overenunciates her song and does weird hand gestures. She looks like she's reaching out to squeeze somebody's boob at one point. Randy and Paula love her voice, but Simon doesn't.
Nicole sings "I Will Love Again," and there's something bizarre about her performance, and it will take me a moment to try to figure out what it is. But it's bad. Essentially, she's singing the song exactly the same way that she sang "Tell Him," and these two songs just have completely different tones and attitude. "I Will Love Again" should have some sort of sense of defiance in it, but it's just not coming through. And she really sings like a bad choir teacher -- overenunciating everything and making sure there's plenty of space between each syllable. Randy says that Nicole can really sing, but that she needs to make choices that get her away from the Broadway sound. Actually, she'd probably be more successful if she did the opposite, even if doesn't help her become a star. Simon says that when they first met her, she was this hyperkinetic scooter girl, but now she's hear singing this song that's "painful" (I think he means the emotions of the song, not the way it sounds), and if he had never seen Nicole before, he'd think her rendition is boring. But he does think she has a good voice. Paula starts to bring up Nicole's "image," but Simon interrupts to say that the time for advice is over. Nicole says she doesn't feel as though he even gave her any advice. Simon says they don't have enough time for his advice (which would probably be "Try to be less like you and more like somebody I'd want to sleep with" anyway), and Paula manages to slip in that Nicole needs to find an image that's right for her. Nicole says, "If I can do left and right, then I can do left of center." Uh...okay. What? What does that mean? Paula seems to understand her comment, so I guess Nicole must have been speaking Paula's native tongue of Nonsenssican. Backstage, she tells us that if she makes the final thirty-two, she'll try to take their advice and find an image for herself.
“ Jennifer Hudson is wearing a shiny, silver pantsuit. She's all set if Priscilla, Queen of the Desert suddenly breaks out onstage. ”
Erskine Walcott wears a furry burgundy pimp hat and matching shirt and tie -- and I think it's great that American Idol supports the ugly hat industry the way it does, because who else would? -- as he sings his way breathily through "Lately" with a lot of hand gestures. He's clearly a favorite of the kids. I think he probably just has a really good attitude, like George. The judges like him. Simon appreciates the fact that Erskine finds ways to look and be different from the other contestants with each performance. Which would be an interesting note if we had ever seen this guy before. Amy wails out Cline, and I just know I'm going to get tired of her singing right quick if she makes it to the top ten.
For reasons unknown to anybody on earth, Marcus Butts gives himself a cheesy fake intro, before coming out in a sleeveless shirt and trucker hat, singing "Kansas City" over and over again. Randy says he might have enjoyed that performance in Vegas, but not for American Idol. Well, I guess Kelly Clarkson and Clay Aiken will be canceling that Vegas appearance on their tour coming up, then. Right? Right? We don't even hear Cassie LaBeau sing, because her voice is apparently drowned out by her loud outfit. Simon says she looks like she got dressed in the dark. With her black denim miniskirt, white hose, high-tops, and wrist wraps, she looks to me like she got dressed in the '80s. Speaking of loud, Jennifer Hudson is wearing a shiny, silver pantsuit. She's all set if Priscilla, Queen of the Desert suddenly breaks out onstage. Simon says her outfit looks like something you'd wrap a turkey in.
After they're all done, they have the all file back on stage so that Simon can toss hyperboles at them. If you can keep from rolling your eyes, you might make it to the final thirty-two. He says that the performances yesterday were the worst he had ever seen, ever, in the history of the world. Worse than Grease II. Worse than From Justin to Kelly. Well, maybe not that bad. However, he thinks they did a much better job today, and "raised the game" and blah blah blah talking-to-hear- myself-speak-cakes. So now it's time to figure out who makes it to the final thirty-two and who goes home.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan tells us all that they've got the kids isolated in three groups again. Love the studded belt, there, Ryan. Did we pull you away from The Eagle? Room #1 contains Matt Rogers, who reminds us that he was in the Rose Bowl. Roooose Boooowl! He also gets pissy about Simon's comment that he doesn't think he's taking the competition seriously, which again sets off my "asshole" radar. John's in this room, too. We get reminders that he kept forgetting words during the past couple of days. We get a clip of his final performance, "I Left My Heart in San Francisco." I really don't like his singing, the more that I hear of it. It has nothing to do with the alleged old-fashionedness of it. He sounds like he has trouble holding the notes steady, and there's no flow in his singing. He just sounds awkward and uncomfortable. He worries to us that he's going to get cut. Model Lisa is there, and we get some flashbacks of her adventures in incompetence. Oh god, I must have blocked out that shot of Alan beatboxing in the hot tub. The hell with Janet Jackson's nipple -- that clip should result in an investigation for indecency. Jon is going to milk that damned pen gimmick until somebody runs up and stabs him with one. The Roman brothers are in the room, too, and they replay their pointless comments from earlier. You know they're going to end up in the same final group together. And I predict that neither of them will make it to the final ten. Oh, I hope I didn't ruin it for you by mentioning that these folks are in. But since it's the first room, you know they've all made it, because there'd be no drama if they immediately made the cuts. The judges come down, and for the third season in the row, Simon pulls the "I'm sorry to tell you you're in the final thirty-two" shtick. The kids already know this routine and don't even react when he does the "sorry" part. They all bounce around and celebrate. Now Jesus and Noel are good brothers again. Everybody sings.
“ Randy tells them all to give themselves a round of applause for making it this far. Because they're cut. Out! Goodbye! You're all too old, to skeevy, too lousy, or too crazy to continue in the competition. ”
Commercials. We return to see Jon breakdancing. That's just sad and wrong. In Room #2, George continues to be forty-four, but isn't quite as happy and upbeat as he normally is. Sarah Silva is in the room too, and looks as though she knows she's doomed. They show Simon's comments to her that she reminds him of Kelly Clarkson when she sings, except that she doesn't have the personality that follows. When she's not singing, Simon doesn't remember who she is. Trashcan Loin is in this group, too, and they show clips of him "flirting" with various women in the competition. Because there's no possibility that he could just be talking to them or anything. Nicole is in this group, and we're reminded that she's annoying. The judges come in, and the kids are all huddled together in the corner of the room, for some unknown reason. It's really odd. I guess it's so that the cameras could get a "group shot" for the reactions. Randy tells them all to give themselves a round of applause for making it this far. Because they're cut. Out! Goodbye! You're all too old, to skeevy, too lousy, or too crazy to continue in the competition. Some girl who wasn't listening closely enough thinks they actually made it, and starts to get up to celebrate, before realizing what happened. Heh. That's embarrassing, although the people around her chuckle, so maybe it cut their despair just a tad. So off they go. Buh-bye!
That leaves Room #3. Amy, Erskine, Eric, Jennifer, Fantasia, and Bri are all in this room. The judges come in, and Paula shows she can try to play mind games too as she starts off all sad. Of course, she can't contain herself for very long, and takes all of three seconds to tell them they made it. Everybody bounces and hugs each other (including Bri, for those on the forums who were arguing about it).
We cut to Ryan with the final thirty-two onstage. Jonah and Matthew Metzger made it too, we discover. Ryan reminds us to get our voting finger ready, because the semi-finals start week. The first group of eight we'll see perform consists of Fantasia Barrino, Diana Degarmo, Jennifer Hudson, Marque Lynche, Matthew Metzger, Ashley Thomas, Erskine Walcott, and Katie Webber. Of course, chances are good that at least half of them will have changed their names by now and one of them got ejected for some recently discovered indiscretion. But we'll have to tune it to find out.
Fuck. I still haven't figured out a new gimmick for the recaps this season. Oh, why did Tsathoggua have to run off to build his army?