Them Against the Music, Part II

Previously on American Idol: Clay Aiken was the bane of my existence, and I felt alone in the world.

Ryan "Muppet-Boy" Seacrest announces that "the wait is over" and the show is back. People are doing the wave. The wave, y'all. Because "wooooo!" is still just a little too edgy. , they'll be throwing Rubik's Cubes and setting their Bermuda bags on fire, those crazy teenagers. Muppet-Boy recaps last night's adventures in New York, which you know all about already. Wow, so this year's twins really did suck. Shack may hate me for the things I get to recap, but I have only admiration for all he has already survived. And damn, if there isn't a rule that says "Thou shalt not scat on American Idol," there really should be. And it should be enforced by firing squad. The girl on the scooter, however, I will take with my bare hands. "What will we find in this crowd tonight in Atlanta?" Muppet-Boy asks. Despair, tiny Muppet, despair! I'm telling you, every time I see him, I just expect him to start singing something alphabet-related.

Intro sequence. Well you can rock 'em, roll 'em all night long, you're the -- liquid metal man! Or, possibly, woman. I like how Liquid Metal Man or Woman walks through a gauntlet of American flags. Because "A Moment Like This" is all about patriotism, you know. Support our troops by watching girls in hoochie shirts.

"Atlanta," says the screen in Copperplate Gothic Bold. Muppet-Boy notes that we've ventured to Atlanta, Georgia. "Atlanta," says Randy as he deplanes. Wait, where are we again? Annapolis? Albania? Hello? Hint, please! Muppet-Boy claims that in the past, Atlanta has been "a fertile ground" for talent. (Ohhhh, Atlanta, that's it.) He also points out that the first round of auditions were held at the Georgia Dome. Not at the Ted? That's a bummer. That would have been awesome, because the auditioners would undoubtedly have proved to be the only people in history who couldn't do the tomahawk chop in tune. I doubt they could do "Airball! Airball! Airball!" in tune, either. Anyway, Georgia Dome. We are reminded that not everyone who has ever emerged from Atlanta has sucked as much as these people look like they probably do, just from panning across their faces. Tamyra came from Atlanta, after all, and so did...oh, right, Clay "Irritating Pipsqueak" Aiken. Oh, by the way, the Irritating Pipsqueak is sniveling and crying in the clip of him that they show as a reminder, so someone in the editing room feels my pain. God bless you, pain-feeler. We will get through it together. In two years, no one will know who he is anyway, so I'm confident we can survive. , as if you haven't seen Keith's "Like a Virgin" audition enough times already, Muppet-Boy reminds us that he, too, came from Atlanta. Yes, yes, he came from Atlanta, and he was bad. I think I have seen this audition at least seven times, which is six more times than I found it even remotely funny. Muppet-Boy refers to his "hometown" and wonders aloud what it will bring to the table this year.

The first thing it will be bringing to the table is mini-Cyndi Lauper, also known as Amy Adams, a pert lass of, oh, thirty-four or so who believes passionately in her belly button and her smear of purple hair. She's wearing low-slung jeans and a black-and-white striped off-the-shoulder shirt. Her outfit says, "My top half is in a French caf, while my bottom half just turned thirteen years old and is celebrating with sparkly Wet-N-Wild nail polish from Wal-Mart." Amy is totally the Annie Potts to Vanessa Olivarez's Molly Ringwald. She proudly (yes, proudly) holds up a mirror on which her mother has written, "I Am An American Idol." Nothing says "confidence" like bringing your mom's craft projects with you. Amy runs into the audition room with her breasts bouncing energetically up and down just like the rest of her. Foundation garments, people. Seriously. For whatever reason, Amy's opening joke is that she and Muppet-Boy collaborated ahead of time, and she seems to have something in mind that she's going to say after that, but Simon cuts in: "On makeup tips?", and he throws off her joke, and she doesn't know what to say, so she moves on. Specifically, she tells Simon that he's "gorgeous in real life." Oddly, I totally believe that could be true in its way. A dubious Simon looks around like, "Does she expect that to work? Who does she think I am, Paula Abdul?" Amy announces that she will be singing "Rescue Me." Meta-Statement Alert! Bwooop bwooop! Amy turns out to be an adequate singer, although it's all brass, and I could only listen to her for about two minutes before becoming tired and needing to rinse out my brain with Rosemary Clooney or something. And there is some seriously pitchy stuff going on, especially at the beginning. Randy votes aye, and Paula declares that Amy is "fun." Amy's going to Hollywood, and Simon's rueful chuckle suggests that he likes her, but is already tired of her, and thus is just now remembering what this show feels like. Me, too, Simon. Oh, me, too. Amy "squeeeeeeeee"s into the camera and basically kills whatever goodwill anyone may have been feeling for her up until this point. In the lobby, she gets hugs.

Allegedly humorous, allegedly Zen-like music plays as Muppet-Boy shows us Simon Thomas, who looks a few years older than Amy, and who is currently contemplating his upcoming audition. In an interview, he predicts that the judges will tell him he has "a really good heart." You can totally tell that a guy has a good heart from his musical performances, by the way. That's why women are always saying no one is more trustworthy than a guy in a band. Simon-T is wearing beige pants and a black t-shirt, and he has a kind of a junior-intellectual appearance, what with the beard and glasses and receding hairline. You know, I only wish more associate professors could audition for American Idol. Paula says, and she is really so funny, that she might already hate him because his name is Simon. That crazy Paula. Simon-T weakly protests that "Simon is a really beautiful English name." Paula asks him what "Simon" means, and he says, "The one who listens." Oh, mildly ironic, har har! Paula and Randy laugh, because that's the funniest thing they've heard all day. No, really. It probably is.

Simon-C asks Simon-T why he came to the auditions. Why? To share a song he wrote. Eye-roll. It's no fun when you can pick out the bad auditions before they open their mouths. His song is about "compassion and tolerance." And booty. No, no, not really. It's not about booty. It would be better if it were about booty, but it's not. The only thing I like about this segment once Simon-T starts singing is that Randy takes this opportunity to pull from the shelf his facial expression labeled, "Stunned Horror/Disbelief." And when Simon-T gets to "I'm a part of you and you're a part of me," Simon-C has that raised-eyebrow thing going, like, "Kill me. But not until I kill my agent." At the end, Simon-C tries to keep from breaking out in hysterical laughter as he says, "As someone who understands compassion...I find it odd...[sound of laughing]...that you can come in here and sing to us." Simon-C tells him it was "painful," and Simon-T looks placid, as he does throughout the segment. "Everything was wrong," Simon-C says flatly. Simon-T says that although they may not be impressed with his voice, he has an awesome heart. He cares about compassion and puppies. That's why he is here to audition for Organic Idol. "It is a singing competition, and you can't sing," Simon-C tells him. True, that. Out in the hall, A resilient Simon-T tells Muppet-Boy that he still thinks the judges were "really touched." Is Muppet-Boy wearing lifts or standing on a phone book or something? Because he looks like he's normal-sized in this segment, and I'm somehow convinced he would look teeny in real life. Maybe Simon-T is just a really, really old-looking third-grader.

Because the woman has now been revealed to be a big faker, I'm not recapping her. The last thing I want to do is encourage assholes by paying attention to them. I don't begrudge anyone their pranks (not that this one was very imaginative), and I know she's not the only faker. But fakers do make the show less fun for everyone else, and she's been way too self-congratulatory about it ever since it happened, so for just that simple reason, she can bite me.

When we get back from commercials, Muppet-Boy says that as they accepted people from Atlanta, they became convinced that they had gotten over "the curse of Keith." Mercifully, they do not show his audition yet again, although you can tell they barely restrained themselves. It appears that they have pegged as the new Keith one young Tiffany, who arrives with pigtails and a bandanna tied on her head. She's doing a whole Cinderella-in-the-ashes thing. "I'm going to sing Cline Dion's 'All By Myself,'" she says. Ah, yes, that great composer, Cline Dion, originator of so many fine songs. Tiffany apparently decided not to do Cline Dion's "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face," or Cline Dion's "River Deep, Mountain High." (Yes, there is a Cline Dion version of "River Deep, Mountain High." If you don't have Rhapsody from Listen.com, you totally should, for moments just like this.) Tiffany opens her mouth and begins to sing. Tiffany's rendition of "All By Myself" is the kind that makes you realize that indeed, in seventh grade, this girl was undoubtedly the shit. There's something about her voice that sounds like a singer, even though she can't sing. In seventh grade, it would have passed, and probably, her friends would have said, "You are totally going to be a singer!" But ultimately, she's very bad.