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Here's a brief recap of the American Idol: Life on the Road special: I don't care.
We open the results show directly into the credits, featuring the World Idol logo in its Script Sans Budget font (no, I'll never get tired of ripping off djb's jokes). Oh, I didn't realize last time that the gigantic transsexual superstar is striding through a field of flags from various nations, not just the United States. I'm terribly sorry. So much effort went into this opening and I didn't notice. Giant gender-bending liquid mercury monstrosities are taking over the earth!
Our Japanese anime super-deformed hosts Ant and Dec, having finished hiding all the prize flags in their Fun House set (put the remote-control dune buggy flag someplace really easy, so at least the kids will win something), come out to greet the cheering crowd. Obviously they're even doing different versions of the results show, because Ant and Dec make reference to "our" Kelly competing against the world. After blathering on about the worldwide vote (they don't tell us the actual number of votes, though), Ant and Dec introduce the ten contestants to the stage. Oops, eleven. I forgot about Jamai. Can you try to stand out a little more, Jamai? Nobody's dressed particularly bizarrely, although Kelly shouldn't be wearing dresses with those big holes in the middle. They don't look good on her. The kids all sit on couches on stage left.
After some blathering about the new year and how mean some of the judges were, we get a clip show recap of the performances. Yay! These used to drive me crazy, but that's before I got burned out and started looking forward to things I can skim through. Alexander was awful and the judges hated him. Guy was meh and the judges loved him. Diana didn't sing in English. There's some guy in weird glasses. Oh, Jamai. Heinz was as pretty as a statue and about as good a singer. Kuba, the Polish judge, was crazysexycool. Alex, the Polish singer, was crazycreepybad. Ryan from Canada was smarmy. Kelly was loud, and the hosts lie that Kelly's praise was "universal." They ignore the two pieces of criticism against her. Peter was loud, too, in his Nirvana impression, which caused an argument with the judges. Will Young still gives me the creeps. I'm sure he's a nice young man, but his singing makes me want to hide behind the curtains. And finally, Kurt from Norway surprised everybody with his full voice and his Bono impersonation. And he looks like a hobbit.
Commercials. Ah, I see the folks of Excedrin have now found some women with hypno-eyes to sell you their headache pills.
World Idol, Part II
When we return, Ant and Dec remind us why we're watching the show. But before we get to that point, they have to torment us for forty more minutes. Helping out is former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham, here to "sing" a song, titled "Let Your Head Go." We cut over to the stage, where a cheesy red-velvet prop throne from a high school production of Hamlet slowly spins around, revealing Victoria seated there. She's wearing a tight-fitting red velvet dress. She's singing about as much of this song as I am. Which is to say: none. She's an even worse lip-syncer than Britney. And she doesn't even have the excuse that she's dancing around a lot. She's just writhing around a bit as a dozen faux gangsta thugz in trucker hats dance around her. The song isn't bad at all -- it's a fun, simple Kylie Minogue-esque dance number. But she's not singing it. After she's done pretending to sing, Ant and Dec head over and ask her who she thinks is going to win. She says she loves both Kelly and Will, so she's not sure. They all wish each other Happy New Year as the audience pretends to care.
Before we go to the commercial break, we get a montage of bad dances, which surprisingly didn't include Victoria. "Play That Funky Music, White Boy" plays as people of all genders (and that includes a guy in women's lingerie) and colors dance badly. Australia apparently had its own set of untalented twins. Some shirtless guy shimmies his ass. I don't know if he could sing (I'm guessing not), but it was a nice ass.
In a commercial, Ryan Seacrest insists that his new syndicated show is going to be different because he'll have live interviews with celebrities. We're really sailing into uncharted waters, aren't we, there? I do believe his statement that he'll "do anything" for his new show. I'm sure he probably already has.
When we return, it's still not time to drag out the results yet. So we get a performance by former pop sensation Elton John. Jamai would be so thrilled, if only anybody remembered that Elton was his music idol. Or that he was even part of the competition. Elton sits at a piano in a rather tame black suit with black-tinted glasses and an earring that looks like a fishing lure. He's got a band with him as well, as he performs "Are You Ready For Love." He sounds pretty good. He's not as exciting as he used to be, but he's solid. The audience claps along. The editing jumps when he's introduced and after his performance is over, making me wonder if the contestants were even there when he performed. Poor Jamai missed out on his chance to meet his idol.