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The four boys sing "Words" from the Bee Gees, and they sound dull. They do harmonize well, though. Falling into the category of "completely embarrassing" is the rendition of "Physical" by Carmen, Julia, and Kim Caldwell. Carmen writhes around with a solo about how much she wants to have sex. What happened to our sweet, sweet virgin jailbait? ["DON'T FORGET, SHE LOST HER VIRGINITY TO A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO AND LOVED IT. NOW WE'VE LOST HER TO THE JOYS OF CARNAL PLEASURES." -- Tsathoggua] Julia gets a solo and sounds nice, if a little bit soulless, like a zombie. Kimberly gets a solo, and of course she walks up to sing directly into the camera. Hi! I'm Kimberly! Look at me! Hi! I'm on television, singing! Hi! I'm Kimberly! Olivia Newton-John stands in the audience, wearing a pained smile on her face. She'd probably be crying, if all the facelifts hadn't sealed off her tear ducts. Charles and Vanessa get a duet of Neil Sedaka's "That's When The Music Takes Me," a fun little upbeat number that works well for both of them. Charles's voice isn't the best tonight, but they're both having fun. Then Clay gets a solo of Lionel Richie's "Hello." Whap! I can sing! Whap! I can sing! Listen to me turn every note into an exercise in going over the top! The medley concludes with an awful group rendition of Diane Warren's wretched "Rhythm Of The Night." The kids run out into the audience, of course. Kimberly points and stares into a camera again. Look! I'm Kimberly! I'm on television! They head back onstage to finish the songs. Sparklers go off on the back of the stage. They end with the required medley pointy pose. Yay! The pointy pose!
Ooh, there's Mark Valley in the audience. See, they forced their actors out after all. They probably should have captioned him and mentioned Keen Eddie if they wanted that cross-promotional thing to actually work.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan reads more fake blather off a card about Clay and Ruben "taking" various states. Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up! We've still got forty minutes here, people. So Ryan brings out Clay, Ruben, and Kimberley to sing for us their songs from the compilation CD that I have no intention of ever buying. Of course, I hardly ever buy any music at all, anyway, so the market is hardly quaking in its boots. Anyway. Clay sings "On The Wings Of Love." Ruben sings "Superstar." Kimberley sings "Somewhere Over The Rainbow." They do this weird, cheesy thing where they blend the three songs together at the end, turning it into another medley. They all sound the way they always sound. I told you the wad was shot. Actually, I think Kimberley should let "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" go. I think some of the songs she performed in the contest -- ones that she didn't have years to perfect -- sound better, more interesting, and a little more spontaneous. The audience cheers. There's Justin Guarini in the audience, wearing the grim smile of somebody who's realizing that his fifteen minutes will probably be up by the end of June.