Bleatdown

Shout-out to Miss Alli. She managed to finish recapping the worst reality show in the history of ever, yet somehow kept from killing herself and still found the energy to recap that insipid "Halfway Home" special. Yay! Thanks for keeping me from losing too many sanity points.

Tuesday. Ryan "I Want You To Need Me" Seacrest greets us on the Seal of Tsathoggua with the remaining kids. He's wearing a jacket covered with zippers. I think he's trying to dress even gayer now that he's not allowed to make the jokes anymore. Blah blah show singing blah.

Credits. Ryan runs back out onstage to greet the crowd. Signs, signs, everywhere signs. Somebody claims that Ruben puts the "stud" in "Studdard." The only signs they show in the audience are in support of either Ruben or Clay. Ryan tells us that they've confirmed that the kids' cover of "God Bless The U.S.A." will top the charts this week. Oh, thanks ever so much, members of the public. For a few seconds there, I forgot to hate everything in creation. I needed the reminder. Also, Kelly Clarkson will have the number one album, and as a reward, she'll be allowed to have a bowl of dry shredded wheat and a three-hour nap. Yay! If she goes platinum, they might let her have milk. Ryan also plugs some insipid People feature on all the kids, giving readers a break from all the coverage of Brad and Jennifer and Ben and Jennifer and Tom andTom. And more Tom.

Then there's this idiotic, unfunny stage business where Ryan pretends that they're giving the kids a night off, and even walks off the stage as the show's theme music cranks up. Yay! I can watch Gilmore Girls, or some other show that includes people who have more than three milligrams of charisma. Of course, he's kidding. See, they have this time to burn now that they're down to six kids. Having them sing the whole song is still, of course, out of the question. On the other hand, given that Carmen and Josh are still here, perhaps I shouldn't complain.

Speaking of the kids, Ryan introduces them out to the stage, as he is wont to do. Hey, they let a bunch of Trenyce fans with signs sit up front! Dear producers: It has not slowed down the "conspiracy" thread at all. Ryan introduces the judges, Simon "We're Not Making Love Anymore" Cowell, Paula "I Get Weak" Abdul, and Randy "Don't Turn Around" Jackson. Ryan asks how anybody could say bad things about Paula Abdul. Well, first you start with an observation about her gross incoherence, then slide into a crack at her plastic features, and then conclude with a suggestion of controlled substance abuse. Oh, that was one of those rhetorical questions, wasn't it? Ryan then makes a thoroughly disgusting comment about Randy "the dawg" getting neutered for his own good. Ew. Gross. And it doesn't make sense, at that. If you're going to make a "dawg" joke at Randy's expense, it also has to be relevant, not just refer to dogs. Simon's the one who leers at all the girls, not Randy. And this has been your "Comedy That Works" lesson for the recap.

So it seems that Tsathoggua has felt the tide turning against li'l Carmen and released one of his favorite minions to serve as both the theme and guest judge tonight. That would be Diane Warren, who is a huge, successful songwriter, despite the fact that nobody you know likes any of her songs. Pop, country, and rock stars have all used her songs on their albums, and dozens of them have made it to number one, yet hardly anybody on earth will admit to enjoying any of them. Obviously dark magics must be involved here. ["SHE'S NOT MY ONLY MINION IN THE INDUSTRY. YOU SHOULD SEE SCOTT STAPP'S TRUE FORM. IT FRIGHTENS EVEN ME." -- Tsathoggua]

So Diane heads out onto the stage, and I don't know what Simon meant a few episodes ago when he said that Diane doesn't look like the type of person who writes those songs. From her crappy Ross Dress For Less black pantsuit to her ambiguously patterned t-shirt from Claire's Accessories to her atrocious mat of helmet-hair, she looks exactly like the type of person who would write crappy love songs with lyrics that would make a moderately intelligent toddler roll his eyes. She looks like she should be standing in line at Waldenbooks getting her copy of Dance Of Seduction autographed. If you cut her, she would bleed fan-fic. In her clip show, she wears ugly hats and plays the piano, while Ryan lists all the awful, wretched songs that Diane will be punished for in the afterlife. They remind us that several finalists have already performed Diane songs, and show clips of Carmen and Josh butchering two of her songs, because that's what they deserve. Kill that song, Carmen! Bleat it to death! Diane has been nominated for nine Grammys. It looks like she won only one. Same as Paula. Heh. The kids all show up at some place that may be her home, or may be Schroeder's home for all we know, as he's there as well, helping the kids. She says she loves working with new talent because they aren't jaded (read: "They haven't figured out yet that my songs are all exactly the same"), and they have youthful energy (read: "I can pawn off on them all the songs so crappy that nobody else wants them, like I did with O-Town"). Trenyce and Kimberley marvel over Diane's ballads, knowing that it will give them at least a few seconds of airtime before they shove them off-camera to make room for more Carmen.

Back onstage, Ryan wastes no time (well, other than the time they've already wasted) in introducing Kimberley Locke as the first performer. In an interview, Kimberley tells us she's picked "If You Asked Me To" because "it's an incredible story of love" and because it's a big, loud ballad with lots of "glory notes" (tm Miss Alli). We see her practicing with Diane, Debra, and Schroeder. For those of you who care, Kim adds that she has a CD with the original version, sung by Patti LaBelle, before Celine Dion covered it. So at least somebody is ignoring the Celine rendition of something. Incidentally, I see commercials for her Vegas show out here all the time, and she now has the exact same haircut as Aaron Carter. Also, while I'm wildly off-topic, during all of these clip shows, my eyes are repeatedly drawn to a pop-art painting in the background of a dog eating a hot dog. Diane thinks Kimberley will be able to sing her song.

Kimberley heads out to the stage, and has sadly regressed back to being a lousy dresser. Her black blouse is fine, but the dark gray slacks are again too tight, and camel toe, camel toe, camel toe. Somebody's going to end up dragging this girl onto What Not To Wear. As is usually the case with Kim, she starts the song way off on the first notes, before easing into her comfort zone. I think the way she starts her songs have been what's really hurting her up to this point. When she starts off flat and breathy like this, she has to work to get the audience and viewers back. But eventually she finds her stride by the point where she gets to those notes that she holds out for twenty-seven seconds, which cause everybody to forget the earlier parts. She gets lots of cheers when she's done.

Judges. Randy says he thought Kim was the best singer last week, and may turn out to be the best singer tonight. Paula thinks Kim was brilliant. Diane thinks Kim was awesome. Record macro: "Diane thinks ___ was awesome." Assign to Shift-F1. Diane is between Paula and Simon. I wonder what it means that Lionel Richie and Smokey Robinson were kept away from him? Simon says that Kim has improved ever since she got rid of that "weird hair." In other words, straightened her hair out in Barbie fashion. I hope that person who sent me a three-page email detailing why my mocking of Corey's afro was racist has managed to track down Simon. He declares that she looks "cute" now. I think I preferred her earlier hair. Not her disco hair, which was amusing and fit the theme, but her hair way back in the semifinals. Anyway, now that Simon has come around and finds Kim physically appealing, she's also a good performer and a "front-runner." As Kim heads over to Ryan, we see a shot of a sign that reads, "Simon tells the truth." Except about his relationship with Ryan, of course. Ryan and Kim blather away about singing, as she endeavors to get a strand of hair out of her teeth or something, with Ryan's help. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

Commercials. You just know all the actors in the Dr. Scholl's gel insoles commercials cry themselves to sleep every night. How could they not? "I'm gellin' like a felon." I just burst into tears of horror typing that.

When we return, Ryan introduces us to Clay Aiken's grandmother and makes her introduce us to Clay. Clay tells us he's picked "I Could Not Ask For More." Clay seems to think this song shows Diane's "range" because it has been recorded as both a pop and a country song, and not that it shows the utter absence of depth and creativity in popular music. Diane thinks Clay will do a great job with the song.

Clay heads out to the stage wearing a leather jacket, gray shirt, and black pants. It's an improvement over the dress shirts, both tucked and untucked. His singing is a bit smoother than it has been in the rounds as far as the enunciation goes. His performance is still being heavily sponsored by the letter "R," however. And I don't know who the guy is singing backup here, but he is without a doubt the worst they've ever had. He's off-key and way too loud, and strangely robotic. If I didn't know better, I'd guess it was Jim Verraros. He's just that bad. The good part of the performance is that the song doesn't depend on those long held notes to grab your attention. Okay, fine. I'm stealing the Miss Alli's "glory notes" moniker. I had been trying to think of a way to refer to those things, and she beat me to it. The song doesn't have any glory notes, so it's a much better performance for Clay.

Judges. Randy says that Clay is one of the best singers in America. Paula says he's wonderful again. She blathers on for a bit that Clay needs to be true to himself as a performer or something. I don't know. She's all bizarre and incoherent again. Could somebody reboot Paula? Diane says Shift-F1. Simon goes off on the whole thing about Clay being better suited for Broadway then pop music, and this has become a tiresome argument from which there will be no consensus. Well, actually the consensus from a poll a few recaps ago suggests that Simon is correct, but I know better than to trust those things. The audience boos. There's an insipid Mr. Personality reference out of nowhere. Diane gives Simon a shirt that declares, "I don't do nice." Great. The most influential songwriter in America buys gifts for people at mall kiosks. Clay heads over to Ryan, who gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

Time to pimp another sponsor. This time it's a [product-placed shampoo company with the most insulting commercials in television history]. You know the one I'm talking about. They pimp the web site, where you can play games with the contestants' hair. This is how they choose to spend their time on the top-rated show on television -- by badly ripping off late-night talk show sketches. Then the shampoo nitwits send some stylist nitwits over to One Hit Wonderland to makeover all the kids' hair. Except for Ruben, because he barely has any. Carmen, of course, gets the central focus of the skit, as she gets some blonde highlights in her already way-blonde hair. She has an "organic experience" that I refuse to recap, even if you threatened to insert a tube connected to an air compressor into my nasal cavity and turned it on high. ["OH, I HAVEN'T TRIED THAT ONE YET." -- Tsathoggua] Isn't she just so wholesome? They all get highlights, but in the end, they all look pretty much the same, except for Trenyce and Kim. So I guess the lesson here is not to waste your time with the highlighting products of [product-placed shampoo company with the most insulting commercials in television history]. That was money well spent, wasn't it?

Commercials. Mark Valley is still hot. Keen Eddie, however, is doomed.

When return, it's time for Trenyce. She tells us she picked "Have You Ever," because "it's one of those songs where you close your eyes and feel every word that you sing." How nice of her to provide her own foreshadowing. She says Diane helped her with the song. Diane says Shift-F1.

Trenyce heads out to the Seal in a black leather jacket and matching bustier, jeans, and a choker that looks like it's made out of aluminum foil. She's very breathy on the opening verses. She still needs to keep working on that lower register. She's better with the chorus, as usual. There's a spot where it sounds like she forgot the lyrics, although she may have actually tried some sort of weird interpretation where she let the back-up singers complete the lyrics. But it didn't really work right and it ends up making her look like she forgot it anyway. It's the phrasing problem she has -- there's too long a gap between the time she stops singing and the back-up singers complete it. The line, incidentally, is "Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right." You can make your own joke about it. You probably already have.

Judges. Randy says Trenyce did a good job and was better than last week. He says she probably picked the toughest song to perform of all the contestants. If only they gave points for difficulty on this show. Oh, never mind. I just flashed on an image of Carmen trying to sing "Without You." Paula says she thinks Trenyce looked and sounded great. Diane says Shift-F1. Simon says to Diane, and I'm totally not kidding, "It's very strange sitting here to Diane, how someone like you can write such wonderful lyrics." He just called Diane Warren ugly, y'all. And what a scary belief that ugly people are incapable of producing anything beautiful. You'll all recall supermodels Naomi Campbell and Heidi Klum accepting the award for best original screenplay at the Oscars last month, don't you? What a fucking idiot. Not that Diane's music approaches beautiful in any context. Anyway, Simon tells Trenyce that she has a great voice, but whines that he's the only contestant he knows nothing about. Oh, if only she were blonde and Nigel Lythgoe wanted to sleep with her. Then we'd know all about her. Of course, she didn't exactly take the opportunity during her interview with Ryan on Monday to differentiate herself from a million other aspiring singers. Simon says she needs to be more expressive during her performances. The judges bicker. Randy says something stupid. Whatever. Trenyce heads over to Ryan, who gives her another opportunity to make herself sound interesting. What does she do on the weekends? She talks to her friends and her mom on the phone. Well, there's another chance blown. Although I suppose "shoplifting and three-ways" probably wouldn't go over well. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

up is Joshua Gracin, who has selected "That's When I'll Stop Loving You." He sounds absolutely wretched during the rehearsals, but Diane gives him the same Shift-F1 as all the other performers. She thinks he picked the perfect song and blah blah blah. He tells us that he used to sing it to his wife when they were in high school. Er, before they were married. They weren't married in high school. Anyway, he says the song means a lot to him. Well, you know the clich: We always hurt the ones we love.

Joshua heads out to the Seal wearing an ugly tan jacket, white shirt, and jeans. I know I tend to use Carmen my primary example of awful performances on this show, but in all honesty, Josh's singing is about ten times worse. This is an 'N Sync song, so he's abandoned the fake twang and has tried for a fake falsetto instead. And believe me when I tell you, the twang is much, much better. He doesn't hit anywhere near the right note, ever. He locked the key inside his car and he can't get it out. He sounds even more like a bad audition than he did during "Celebration." Specifically, he sounds almost exactly like the guy Simon declared was "the worst singer in New York." And the creepy Joker smile has never been more prominent or more horrifying. Oh, and the scariest part is that his fly appears to be open. It looks like he's wearing clean underwear, so he avoided one of those embarrassing scenes Mom's always warning you about. Wait, this is still very embarrassing. Never mind. They keep showing his wife in the audience, wearing a glazed expression on her face, the sign of a woman humoring her man's latest round of nonsense, knowing full well it will be over soon.

Judges. Randy tells Joshua that he was sharp the whole song and was never on key. There's a long pause before the booing, meaning that the audience totally agrees, but Nigel is off to the side, waving at them to heckle. Paula blathers away from Nonsenseland that Joshua took a risk and picked a very good song. Paula should be forced to listen to that performance over and over again until she apologizes to mankind for her utter, vapid stupidity. Diane says Shift-F1. Simon says that Joshua sang the whole song through his nose. I know that's a musical term, but I probably would have been slightly entertained if Josh were capable of literally singing the song through his nose. If nothing else, we wouldn't have had to see the Joker smile. Simon also points out that he changed his voice yet again and dropped the twang, contradicting his earlier statements about the type of performer he is (country). Then he teases Josh about getting his hair bronzed, like Josh had any control over that. Their contest agreements probably allow the producers to physically beat the kids if they don't shill for the advertisers. Josh heads over to Ryan, who asks if he has any response for Josh. Josh says he doesn't, because he was taught to "respect his elders" and Simon is very old. The audience shrieks and cheers and claps (even Simon) at a joke that would have been cut out of a script of Yes, Dear for being too lame. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.