Tuesday. The teaser commercial a couple of minutes before the show starts promises nine finalists left and nine performances. See, they can't afford to shoot new commercials because they need that money for background checks.
Ryan "The Hustle" Seacrest greets us from atop the seal with eight contestants. But? But? Where is Corey? Rickey is wearing a giant, fake afro. Ryan tells us that the delayed disco theme is tonight, so we've all been duly warned. They even hung a couple of mirror balls from the ceiling in a doomed attempt to capture the mood.
Credits. Finally they've got a theme where Ryan can dress the way he always does and fit right in. Although, ironically, his outfit is rather blah. His denim jacket, though, does have '70s lapels. Oh, look, there's Jewel in the audience. There's your future, kids. If you're lucky, you'll get a couple of hits before everybody forgets who you are and you need captions to identify you in the audience of some crappy reality show. Ryan greets us by making a gay joke about himself. Then he makes a joke about his penis. I understand they're always making jokes like this on other all-ages shows like 7th Heaven and Spongebob Squarepants. Ryan tells us that it's all "platform shoes, polyester suits, glitter body gel, and roller skates" as they boogie their way through the show tonight. Sadly, the only part of that statement that's true is the polyester suits. No glitter. No roller skates. Bastards.
Ryan introduces the kids out to the stage. Rickey, Clay, and Kimberley Locke appear to be the only ones to have even made an effort to dress for the theme. Ruben is wearing a black-and-white 205 shirt. Is he attending a wedding after the show?
But where is Corey? There's no Corey! My god, did something happen to Corey? Oh, sorry. It's a bit annoying that they play Corey's ejection up like some sort of surprise when it was all over the news the day before the show even aired. But there's no avoiding it this time, the way they ignored Frenchie's and Jaered's ejections. Ryan explains to the audience that Corey is gone. He says we all may have read about charges filed against Corey. He says the charges were news to them. Ryan explains that Corey "chose not to reveal his arrest" to producers, preventing them the opportunity to choose the most advantageous time to reveal it to the public to get ratings. So he's out. Corey gets a final, choppily edited confessional to insist on his innocence. He's accused of beating up his sister and resisting arrest. But he's innocent! He was too scared to tell the producers, because he's a fame whore, and getting denied the opportunity to be on television is a fate far, far worse than prison. Corey apologizes to any contestants who may have been cut to make room for him. From his couch, Patrick Lake shoots some devil horns at the television while Enya plays on his stereo in the background. Corey, like any good fame whore, promises that this isn't the end. Well, it's the end for me -- no more Corey recapping! Hooray! Although I'm sure all the companies whose jingles I hadn't gotten to yet are disappointed.
Back on stage, Ryan introduces Simon "I Will Survive" Cowell, Paula "You Should Be Dancin'" Abdul, and Randy "Brick House" Jackson. After some blather, he gets around to introducing tonight's guest judge -- Verdine White of Earth, Wind & Fire. Oh my. Let's just say that some of us gays aren't into growing old gracefully. In fact, if vampires were actually real, they would most likely have a much larger percentage of gay men as voluntary members than the general public. And certainly Ryan would be one of them. But anyway, disco is not dead to Verdine, no sirree. He's wearing a white, slightly see-through pirate shirt with ruffles and black leather pants. He's got RuPaul hair, except he's not really dressed in drag. And he clearly wants to do Ryan. Or perhaps he already has. Anyway, the two of them get all into each other's personal space as Verdine says Earth, Wind & Fire has just finished a new album and will be going on tour soon. We get a clip show of the history of Earth, Wind & Fire, which really points out that if there aren't at least twenty people dancing around you while you're performing, then it's not really disco. And half of those people are required to be under the influence of at least one controlled substance. Verdine is the band's bass player, if you care. It explains Ryan's comments to Randy that he may have met his match, because Randy plays the bass, too.
Verdine takes his seat between Paula and Simon as we get started with the show. First up is Rickey Smith, singing Earth, Wind & Fire's "Let's Groove." Hey, no stupid contestant clip shows again this week! Yay! Rickey heads out to the seal in a '70s-patterned rust-colored shirt, jeans, and the giant afro wig. And now he's wearing that stupid medallion from Paula. After about a verse, he pulls off the wig and tosses it aside. This song is partly falsetto and partly non-falsetto, and the weaknesses in Rickey's voice become clear when he sings non-falsetto. His notes are very unsteady to my ear, and he pretty much talks his way through those sections. And his falsetto sounds a little off, like he's not quite in the same key as the background singers. He's got some good groove moves, though. He's not all dork.
Judges. Randy was not thrilled with Rickey's performance. He thought there were pitch problems as well, and compares Rickey's number with a "bad wedding reception." Hee. He is booed, of course, notably by Paula. Rickey is incapable of having a bad performance because he's got a Y-chromosome. Don't you know anything, Randy? Paula, who is wearing ginormous dangling square earrings through which she can probably pick up radio transmissions from her home planet, insists that Rickey had fun (which he did) and did a great job with the song (which he didn't). Verdine says it must have been hard performing one of his band's songs, but thinks that Rickey kept up with it pretty well. Notably, Verdine doesn't gush. He may look a little freaky, but the guy knows what's what. He also jokes that he used to have an afro just like the wig Rickey wore. Simon says that Rickey looked like somebody who should be performing at a children's party, not an American idol. Rickey responds that an American idol needs to be entertaining as well. Not on this show, Rickey. Simon responds that clowns can entertain, too, but that doesn't make them the American Idol. And that's why Ryan is the host, and not a contestant. Rickey heads over to Ryan, who blathers on about Rickey having fun and sweating and gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan pimps the web site, then introduces Carmen Rasmusen singing "Turn The Beat Around." She heads out to the stage wearing a black blouse and gold genie pants. Oh, I didn't catch those before, but I tend to ignore Carmen as much as possible. Maybe I should start sticking the commercial jingles in Carmen's place instead, because she's just as wretched as she's always been. Her vibrato ruins every single held note, and her strange, flat, mechanical voice ruins all the others. She's also clearly covering the Gloria Estefan cover, not the original. She wiggles her hips and waves an arm around, and somehow the judges all think this is just brilliant stage presence. Given last week's episode of Angel, I think I need to change my "big bad" comparison away from the Mayor to that character Gina Torres is playing who seems to induce magical worship from people for absolutely no reason.
Judges. Randy was not hypnotized by Carmen's wholesomeness. He says it was karaoke. Paula insists that these songs only sound karaoke because people choose these songs all the time in karaoke bars, because they love them. Whatever. Randy insists that somebody is going to come out tonight and "wear the song out," which I think means "make the song his or her own." Because I certainly feel like many of the songs have been worn out, regardless of who sings them. Simon expresses his agreement with Randy's comments. Paula thinks Carmen had a lot of energy and had fun. Verdine non-compliments that Carmen's greatest strength is in the way she performs, and the fact that she's "all sparkly." In other words, girl can't sing. He tells her to "tighten up" on those parts she needs to work on, because, you know, girl can't sing. Simon masturbates that Carmen isn't the best female singer, but is the "most commercial." Carmen smiles widely at the "compliment" that essentially treats her like an object. Yay! She's a thing that can be sold! Simon concludes that it was one of her better performances. Carmen heads over to Ryan, who points out that her hair is longer this week because of extensions. Nobody cares. Ryan makes another joke about his penis, then gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes. Does Betty Ford have a wing for sex addiction?
up is Kimberly Caldwell to perform "Knock On Wood." Kimberly heads out in a black, shiny sleeveless top and matching clamdigger slacks, with a gold wrap around her waist. She's also wearing some gold string around her right bicep that looks like what they wrap boxes of chocolates with. Kimberly prances around the stage the way she always does, shouts the song flatly, and constantly holds up her left arm to show us her armpit. She's not awful; she's just exactly the way she is every week. And because she's really not all that spectacular to begin with, that level of consistency is very boring.
Judges. Randy says that he didn't like the arrangement they used for Kimberly, but he liked the way she sang it. He says she kept her "rock convictions" and compares her to Jewel out there in the audience. Because when somebody says "rock," I think of Jewel first. And then Patrick Lake. Then I remember that neither of them is rock and think of somebody else. Paula, however, somehow determined that Kimberly was off-pitch, thereby proving that Carmen must have some sort of mystical powers if Paula didn't hear it a song ago. Paula brings up Kimberly's "consistency" from week to week, and worries that it's turning into "complacency." I doubt that Kimberly's complacent after nearly getting booted last week. I think "consistency" here means, "This is the only way she knows how to perform." Paula encourages to take some risks and stretch herself, which, if I recall correctly on this show in the past, is the fastest way to land yourself in the bottom three, as Justin and Nikki can attest. Verdine loved Kimberly's stage presence, but agrees that Kimberly had pitch problems. However, he said that for a ninety-second performance, she sounded "killer." Simon gives her performance a 6.5 out of 10. Good, but not exciting. Kimberly heads over to Ryan who gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes. Ryan points out Jewel in the audience again. She's got an album coming out! Oh, it all makes sense now. Jewel is wearing a shirt with mesh sleeves. Shut up, Jewel's shirt.
Commercials. Okay, the "ugly" guy in the commercial for Mr. Personality? He's really not that ugly. I don't hold out much hope for snark potential on that show.
When we return, Ryan stands in the audience in front of a wall of signs supporting Clay Aiken. So he could be anywhere in the audience. Incidentally, Clay is up with his performance of "Everlasting Love." Clay marches out on the stage in a shiny black shirt with gold polka-dots and brown pants. And his version of "Everlasting Love" is the reunion song for a musical romantic comedy. It's the second-to-last song in the show, when the lovers realize that despite all the fights, and the miscommunications, and the various contrived conflicts they've had throughout the play, they belong together after all. And then they sing the reunion song. And then everybody comes out in the end for the finale. The singing's good, as usual. He doesn't have much stage presence, because he clearly can't dance or is afraid to dance, so he just stands there for most of the song. He has a very long held note at the end, which I hated the first time I listened to it, but now it sounds pretty good.
Judges. Randy says, "That's how you do it, dawg!" He thought Clay was brilliant. Paula says that no matter what the genre, Clay's voice is his voice, and she thought it was wonderful. Funny how she didn't feel that way about Kimberly's voice being her voice no matter what the genre. Poor Kimberly. If only she had a Y-chromosome. Paula would be lapping it up. Verdine says that he saw Clay backstage earlier in the day and didn't think he looked like he could sing the way he sings. Or something like that. Anyway, Verdine thinks Clay can sing. Simon jokes that this is going to end up being the last episode of American Idol because he's about to say something bad. He says that in the context of this genre, he thought Clay was terrible. See, he doesn't really want them to "make it their own," unless by doing so, they end up sounding like ninety percent of the bland pop acts out there. Everybody boos, of course. Clay heads over to Ryan, who points out that the judges are really polarized in their disagreement over Clay. The judges argue some more. It doesn't matter. At this point in the competition, Clay would have to blowtorch a litter of puppies on stage to land in the bottom three. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
up is Trenyce, singing "I'm Every Woman." She heads out in a horizontal-striped multicolored top (that looks a lot like the one Paula is wearing), a red jacket, and a denim miniskirt. And she's wearing a necklace that has a little mirror on it. She got her eras mixed up. I think she's dressed for '80s Night. Her hair is shorter this week and is flipped out at the ends. It's not bad, but I think I liked her old hair better. Change is evil! Anyway, she's singing the Whitney Houston version of the song, pretty clearly. As is usually the case, she sounds wonderful with the parts of the song where you grab onto the notes and don't let go, but she struggles a bit with the verses and the lower parts. There are a couple of pitch problems, too, but overall it's a good performance. Certainly better than last week's.
Judges. Randy liked her. He thinks that with her and Clay performing, "the show's just starting." Paula loves her look and her voice. She says she loves how Trenyce "does her homework" and even changes her voice to suit the song. And there's some sort of comment about "rising from adversity" which may refer to her performance last week, or perhaps that whole shoplifting thing. Trenyce's mother is thrilled out in the crowd. She looks quite a bit like Donna Summer, so I'm sure she's happy to watch her little girl sing disco. Verdine declares that Trenyce has a lot of star quality and is "the total package." Simon still isn't "blown away," because he's already decided on the winner and it's most certainly not going to be Trenyce. Ryan heads out onto the stage to Trenyce and gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. When we return, they replay Trenyce's numbers, because they forgot to show them on-screen before the break. Oopsie! up is Ruben Studdard to sing Barry White's "Can't Get Enough Of Your Love." He heads out onto the stage talking his way through some of the spoken part of the song. Then there's a funny shift when he starts singing, because Ruben sings tenor (he's like the opposite of Jim Nabors -- in so many ways), so his voice suddenly jumps up two octaves. And then he's Ruben. He sings. He snaps his fingers. He bobs up and down slightly. He slaps his thigh. He sounds nice, and I'm terribly bored. And I know that the judges are going to be all over him and I couldn't possibly care. If Clay is Broadway, and Kimberly is Branson, Ruben is FM-lite in the making.
Judges. As they all wait for the audience to stop cheering, Ruben hand-gestures "205," because, you know, we forgot about that part. He really doesn't have a personality to speak of, does he? He's got a cute smile and 205. That's it. "From Alabama" isn't a personality trait, you know. It reminds me of bad writers who confuse an accent with a personality. Anyway, Randy loved it, and he made the song his own with his consistency. As opposed to Kimberly, who made the song boring with her consistency. Paula says there's going to be lots of "baby-making" tonight, and she hopes that they name the kids Ruben. Even the girls? Verdine says that Ruben's performance was inspiring. Simon declares that Ruben should win the competition. I'm sure whatever boring songs they have planned for the winner will fit him just fine. Ruben heads over to Ryan, who gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
up is Kimberley Locke to sing "It's Raining Men." She's already out onstage, so even after losing one contestant and all the clip shows, they seem to be running behind. I think I'm just going to have to declare that Kimberley is incapable of dressing herself. I know they have a style advisor, but either he's an idiot, or she's not listening to him. She's wearing a shiny pearl-colored camisole that looks like the top half of a slip, and a pink skirt. And high-heeled boots. She's got lovely, frizzy '70s hair, though. Her first two lines are absolutely awful -- way, way off-pitch. But eventually she finds where she's supposed to be, and she's on for the rest of the song. And what is there to say about "It's Raining Men"? It's a total novelty song, so it's not like I can give real criticism or anything. And wouldn't all the men die when they fell, like, miles to earth? Maybe it's not a song about sex at all? Maybe the song is really about how sometimes women wish all the men were dead? Anyway, Kimberley gives a better rendition than Kelly (deleted) did last season, but it's still a rather cheesy choice.
Judges. Randy declares the performance to be brilliant, yo. Paula says that this Kimberley's consistency is good, unlike the other Kimberly's consistency. She also wishes it really did rain men, because if one fell on her, she'd be able to hang on to him and keep him from running away from her pathetic neediness. Verdine says that Kimberley was brilliant and consistent, and she also picked one of the hardest songs from the era. Simon says, "I thought you did Ryan Seacrest's favorite song justice." See, my "Ryan is gay" jokes are so much funnier than Simon's. Ryan heads out to the stage, holding one hand up in front of the other hand to disguise the fact that he's flipping Simon the bird, except he's really not. He tells Kimberley that he actually does like the song a lot, and sang along with it. Even Ryan's "Ryan is gay" jokes are better than Simon's. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. The Sci-Fi channel is paying for commercials for Scare Tactics during American Idol. On a related note, electronics sales spiked this weekend as thousands of Farscape fans were forced to replace their televisions after they kicked the screens in.
When we return, it's time for the final performance -- Joshua Gracin, singing "Celebration." Joshua has switched up his outfit for this evening by wearing khakis instead of his usual jeans. He's still wearing the untucked white shirt, though. I don't think I can do the wretchedness of this performance justice, if you haven't seen it. His voice is just off and flat through the whole song. He does his weird little hunched-over walk all over the stage and points along with all the lyrics. The celebration's over here! No, the celebration's over there! No, it's up in the lights! No, it's somewhere back there, against the wall! He has no energy or presence. It actually looks like one of the bad auditions from the first episodes. He actually did a better job singing Motown. Far and away the worst performance in the finals so far. Worse than Corey, even.
Judges. Randy says that Joshua must have had a cold, because that wasn't his best performance. Paula asks if Joshua's a little sick. He says he is. Sickness had absolutely nothing to do with that dreadful performance. Nothing. Paula blathers on about how you have to give good performances even when you're not feeling well, but stops short of actually saying that the performance sucked. Because of the Y-chromosome and all. She says he gave disco and infusion of "Joshism." Is that what they're calling "suckiness" these days? Verdine blathers about the show going on even though he wasn't at his best, but tells him not to sweat it. In other words, he sucked. Simon shows that he's not completely off his rocker when he says that if Joshua had sung like this back in the early rounds, he never would have even made it to Glendale. He declares the performance "dreadful." Joshua heads over to Ryan, who asks if this was a harder genre for him. He says it wasn't, because a singer has to sing whatever and blah blah suck blah blah. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. When we return, rather than having some scripted [product-placed cola] skit, Ryan hangs out at Pimp Central with the kids and asks them about Simon's responses tonight. Clay says they're all a little disappointed and confused, because there are "discrepancies" between what Randy, Paula, and Simon say. Well, that's easy to figure out. Randy pretty much likes everything except the really bad performances. Paula likes all the boys. Simon has already selected the ones that he wants, so he hates or is bored by everybody else. Ryan asks Kimberly Caldwell if she has anything to add. Ryan knows not to deny Kimberly (Look at me! Look! I'm Kimberly!) some attention. Except she says she doesn't have anything to say, other than that she loves disco. But she still got to be on camera. Yay! I'm Kimberly! I'm on television! And after a clip show of the performances, Ryan thanks Verdine and opens the lines for the votes. Not that it actually matters this week, as it turns out.
Okay, so I turned off my tape for a break, and there's a special on right now on VH1 devoted entirely to the representation of the ass in music videos and concerts. I'm not kidding. And yes, I'm going to watch the rest of it. Are you kidding?
Wednesday. Melodramatic Announcer has obviously been clued in on tonight's results, because as he melodramatically introduces tonight's show, rather than melodramatically declaring that somebody will be ejected tonight, he melodramatically asks, "Who will stay, and who will go?" And, technically, "everybody and nobody" is an allowable answer.
Credits. Ryan greets us from the Seal wearing a black suit and gray t-shirt. Perhaps angling for a shot in the VH1 booty special, he tells us he spent the last couple of hours "picking glitter out of the crevices of his body" due to the disco theme. Dude, the show was last night. Don't try to lay the blame for the excesses of the circuit party you just came from on the show. It's another crappy hour-long special full of wasted time and nothingness. Notably, Ryan never actually says anything about somebody being eliminated from the show. It's like watching Memento and going back to see how it all fits. They got a record-setting 15 million votes last night. What? Why? Never mind.
Ryan introduces the judges and the kids. Ruben is wearing a purple-and-yellow 205 shirt. So let's get to the blather. Ryan asks Joshua about the Marines and the whole war thing. Nobody actually says the word "war." They refer to it as "what's going on." He blathers on that there's added pressure and he's worried about his friends overseas, but he does what he has to do. Which is sing really poorly, apparently. Then Ryan tries to pimp Carmen out to us by pointing out that she's getting more comfortable week after week. That's not even a question! Why don't you just change all the phone lines so that they're forwarded to Carmen's number? Jesus. There's a Jody Watley reference by Ryan. There's no question or anything. It's all just, "Look at how cute Carmen is!" Ryan asks Kimberley Locke if the pace of the show is tough for them. Yes, it is. It's a lot of work with little time. They have a busy schedule. All three judges mock the kids with fake violin-playing. Heh. Kimberley says it's part of the business, but it's a big shift from the lives they lived before. Because, you know, law students get up at 2 PM and study whenever they feel like it. Ryan asks Rickey about Simon's comments last night. Rickey says you just have to take Simon's comments and "grow." How many times are they going to ask the kids about Simon's comments? Oh, right: as many times as it takes for somebody to say something nasty.
Time for the clip show from last night's show. There's Verdine. Disco! There are Simon and Randy's comments to Rickey again. They play up Joshua's "illness," but they don't actually play his singing so we can all hear how awful he was. They play Simon's comments about Clay (and only Simon's), but they don't play his singing so we can all, well, judge for ourselves, because some liked it and some didn't. They do show Carmen singing and the praise for her. And the same for Ruben. They repeat Simon's comments that Ruben should win. These clip shows are just fascinating in the way the try to manipulate the way the show went. The Kimberl(e)ys and Trenyce aren't even mentioned.
Ew, group sing! Run! The name of the song is "A Night To Remember," which is amusing in the sense that the song title is a great big lie. Carmen and Rickey get the opening duet. Carmen tries to sing higher than Rickey. She fails. Clay and Kim Caldwell get a duet. Clay tries to sing lower than Kim. He fails, too. Joshua and Trenyce get a duet, and she totally overwhelms him, of course. Kimberley and Ruben sing together, and their voices don't blend at all, so it sounds wretched. It's kind of funny, because they were the better singers last night.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan pimps the [product-placed wireless phone service] with a poll about the cause of Simon's bad mood. There are two normal answers and one "wacky" answer about Simon's "hot pants" being too tight and "rubbing his crotch." Uh, I'm not sure that would put Simon in a bad mood. And anyway, as we recappers know from the polls we create, the "wacky" answer always wins.
Time for the totally scripted and supervised audience Q&A session. Emphasizing the phoniness of it all, when Ryan asks if anybody has a question, the only person in the audience who raises a hand is the girl sitting on the aisle right to where Ryan is standing. The girl asks Randy what advice he would give to aspiring performers. He jokes about giving up, but then blathers a lengthy, inarticulate non-answer about "being the best that you can be." In other words, try not to suck. Unless Simon thinks you're hot. Then it's okay. Randy uses the phrase "the bomb," prompting Ryan to snarkily observe that it's not the best time to use that slang. Oh, but it's always time to talk about your penis and "crevices," isn't it, Ryan? Shut up, tool. If Ryan ever becomes the arbiter of good taste, then it's time to pack up Western Civilization and declare the run over. As proof, Ryan makes another "crevice" joke. Shut up twice, you fuckstick.
A woman asks Paula if she met Simon on the street and didn't know who he was, would she take two steps back or run ten steps forward? What? Who wrote these shitty questions? Paula says she'd run right into his arms and kiss him. He's just got that something that Paula is looking for. That Y-chromosome. Ryan tries to prod Paula to actually kiss Simon, but she won't. Ryan shamelessly works in a [product-placed cola] question as he introduces a woman in the audience to ask a question. She asks Simon if he were trapped on a desert island, which contestant's CD he'd want with him. He refuses to answer, probably because he doesn't even like any of the performers -- or music, for that matter. He's just in it for the money. Ryan introduces another woman after making a comment about her lipstick that doubles as sexual innuendo. Shut up, Ryan. I'd threaten to smack him if it weren't so obvious that he'd like it. She asks Ruben what his favorite genre has been in the competition so far. It was country. No, really. Because he could sing about Alabama. I think Ruben's large size is because he's hoping to grow big enough to actually marry Alabama. She asks if Ruben has a least favorite theme. He doesn't. Ryan talks to some large, somewhat creepy-looking guy named Jimmy. He looks like one of the inspirations for Comic Shop Guy. And he's here to inspire more stupid, unfunny gay jokes. He mentions Simon's crack about "It's Raining Men" being Ryan's favorite song. Does Ryan know Simon's favorite song? Ryan says Simon told him about going to a club called Manhole and liking "Y.M.C.A." Dude, they don't play songs like that at Manhole. Manhole's not the kind of bar you go to for the music. Another woman asks Kim Caldwell who pimps an "infotainment" show that I believe is connected to FOX, and mentions that she heard that Kim is dating J.D. Adams, who is again in the audience, as he was last night. Kim tells J.D. to wave to everybody. J.D.'s chin seems to have grown another three inches since he got cut in the semifinals. They refuse to confirm or deny dating. J.D. volunteers that they kissed, but it was just a "tiny peck." Ryan insists that they're dating.
And now, let's screw over Burt Bacharach. After the "wake of responses" from last week's performance of "God Bless The U.S.A.," they sent the kids back to the studio to record the song as a single. Clearly they didn't read our forums. So the world doesn't need love. It needs anthems that sound like [product-placed car] commercial themes. The Lone Guitar Of Solidarity With Our Troops plays as the kids put on their serious faces and record the song. Oh, puh-leeze. There's a shot of the kids sitting on stage and watching Bush speak on the giant monitor that they put the screensaver backgrounds on. Oh, wait -- that was probably for real, given that the war started not long after the Wednesday night show a couple of weeks ago and you can see eleven kids sitting on stage. Okay, sometimes I'm too cynical. That probably wasn't staged. So, the kids recorded the song as a single. Kimberley Locke isn't there for some reason. I still don't like that song. It's full of "I" statements. At least they changed "the men who died" to "the ones who died." I was going to make some comment in the last recap that women died for our rights, too, but I figured I had made my point. Trenyce and Kim Caldwell both get solos in the second verse, so at least Josh isn't hogging the limelight. That single will be coming out soon, and unless you're some Michael Moore-hugging pantywaist, you'll run right out and buy it. Or unless, you know, you like good music.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan makes some stupid comment about being a six-year-old girl inside. Somehow, this is intended as a transition to some clip show of the kids all spending time relaxing at a spa. Yeah, I don't get it either. The kids get pedicures, facials, and massages. Clay plays with Carmen's feet. Well, I was going to take a break for lunch, but never mind. Ruben stealthily (as stealthily as Ruben does anything) takes over Rickey's massage with wacky results. Guh. What happened to Kristin and her alleged looks at what's going on inside the house? I imagine the kids refused to talk to Kristin after they wandered into her room and discovered that the walls were covered with pictures of Nikki McKibbin with her eyes scratched out.
When we return to the stage, Ryan lies that it's "time to get serious" by revealing the bottom three. Ruben is safe, of course, forever, ad infinitum. Kimberley Locke was great and the judges all loved her -- but she landed in the bottom three anyway. Rickey wasn't all that good, but he's safe this week. Joshua Gracin was absolutely horrid, but he's safe, because nobody wants Roger Ailes calling them up and shrieking. Trenyce was great, but people suck, as I've said so many times, so she's in the bottom three. Really. Josh? Is safe. Trenyce is in the bottom three. Clay is safe, of course, forever, ad infinitum. That leaves Kimberly Caldwell and Carmen hanging for now.
PORN! Poooooooorn! This week's [product-placed car] commercials is porn! The kids all pretend to wash cars while getting all lathered up and shaking their asses at the camera. And of course, it's almost completely just the girls. There are brief shots of Ruben, Clay, and Rickey, and that's it. Look at Carmen, all wet and soapy! Isn't she so…wholesome? At the very end, there's a group shot where you can see that Corey was originally in the little production as well, but was, of course, edited out.
Commercials. Or rather, other commercials that aren't part of the show. When we return, we find out that Carmen is in the bottom three. Oh joy! There is some sort of sense out there. She joins Kimberley and Trenyce out on the Seal. Randy is surprised to see Kimberley there. He says she shouldn't be there. Paula is surprised by all three, of course. Everybody is wonderful and there should just be an eight-way tie for first place. Simon, who usually agrees with the results, says he is surprised, and says that there is one person who is safe who should be in the bottom three but isn't. He refuses to say who, but says, "He knows who it is."
Ryan lets Kimberley off the hook by sending her back to the couches because she's "safe." This time she remembers to hug Trenyce and Carmen and wish them luck before heading back. They show Kimberley's friends in the audience. One of the guys looks kind of like Anthony Rapp with muscles. I think he's kind of hot. Shut up and go kiss your Clay desktop image. Ryan reminds them all that they'll get the final results after the break. Of course, he's been careful all this time to never actually say that somebody is getting ejected.
Commercials. When we return, it's obvious that even if somebody were getting ejected, it isn't happening now, because there's still ten minutes left in the show. So they're going to have the two girls sing again before they reveal the results of the vote. Carmen steps forward and bleats and shrieks and clicks and whirs and buzzes. Then Trenyce sings, and sounds a little worse than last night. She can barely get through a line without taking a breath. After she's done, Ryan and Carmen join her back on the Seal and send us off to another round of commercials.
When we return, Ryan blathers about the results of the [product-placed wireless service] poll. The "wacky" choice won. And now, the results of the votes…don't matter. They've decided that because Corey was ejected earlier in the week, they aren't going to eject another. I mean, why would they? When is FOX going to get ratings like this ever again? I wouldn't be surprised if they drag the final round of the show over two weeks or something. Ryan says that the votes will be carried over to week's show, so those of you who stupidly paid to actually text-message your vote in haven't wasted your money. Well, actually, you did, because you spent money to vote for American Idol. But my point is that your vote will still count. And now that we know who is on the bubble, we need to track down whoever votes for Carmen and use any means necessary to prevent them from doing so week. Who's with me?
Strangely, after all this milking, they waited until the very end of the show for the second group sing, a rendition of "Boogie Wonderland." I guess if they actually had ejected somebody, they didn't want to have her sing her disco song yet again. Anyway, the group sing is wretched, and it's a relief when the show is finally cut off to make room for a mouthwash commercial.