You Say "DeMato," I Say "Goodbye"

ADULT ADVISORY: This recap contains references to Corey Clark's nipples. It is not recommended that this recap be read by the young, the elderly, the pregnant, or anyone with a heart condition. Television Without Pity is not responsible for any injuries caused to those who ignore this warning.

Tuesday. We open the show with the kids all on stage with Ryan "Pickup Man" Seacrest, who tells us all that everybody there supports the troops overseas. Because, you know, we were all wondering about that. He concludes that the men and women of the armed forces are the "real American Idols." I wonder if they'll have comments like that on other reality shows. Lorenzo Lamas can declare that the troops are "the real hotties."

Credits. Ryan heads back out onstage holding a cowboy hat. He's not wearing it, of course. It took several hours to make his hair look that bad, and he wouldn't want to "ruin" it or anything. He has the hat with him, not because he's joining the Village People (his bad joke, not mine), but because tonight's theme is "country rock." Whatever that may be. It turns out tonight that the theme refers to "songs by anybody who spent more than a year living anywhere south of the Mason-Dixon Line." Then Ryan shocks me by actually putting on the hat. His seven stylists burst into tears, knowing they'll be spending the three commercial breaks trying to fix it. He leaves it on for all of three seconds before taking it off and tossing it out to the crowd. Then he introduces the ten remaining finalists. Ruben is wearing a yellow-and-black "205" shirt, and GAHHHHHH! COREY CLARK'S NIPPLES! Corey is wearing a black mesh shirt. The horror! The horror! God, even though I've already seen this episode once, they still cause me to cringe. It's like when you watch a horror movie you've already seen, but still get creeped out. In fact, I'm nearly certain a shot of Corey's nipple was on the video in The Ring.

Ryan then introduces Simon "Faded Love" Cowell, Paula "The Last Thing On My Mind" Abdul, and Randy "The Cattle Call" Jackson with all the stupid theme-related jokes you come to expect. Paula is wearing a hideous, fake white cowboy shirt and scarf. She reminds me of all those fake Vegas cowboys we saw at our last TWoP conference. Oh, and directly behind them are signs decorated with sequins declaring love for Simon and Ryan. Now that's a sure way to get good seats. Remember that, those of you trying to attend the show. Also, try to be really pretty.

Ryan revels again in his own stupidity when he says they've changed the theme from disco because tonight's celebrity judge has a "history" with the theme. And that judge would be Olivia Newton-John. Who, as we all know, has absolutely no connection with disco in any way whatsoever. Xana-who? Olivia comes out onstage, and it's clear that she managed to stave off the aging process by having her face coated with Thompson's Water Seal. Still, she looks pretty good. She needs to give Kimberly's scary mom some beauty lessons. Olivia's really excited to be here. She lies about all the talent. If you care at all, she's going on tour in Australia and Japan. In a clip show for Olivia, they talk about how she started off country and went into pop. They show clips from that video for "Physical," leaving out the part at the end where it turns out that all the hot guys were gay. Just like real life. Ryan lies that Olivia's appeal is still as strong as it ever was, or something like that. I was laughing too hard and missed part of it.

We return to the stage, where Olivia has settled in between Paula and Simon. The good news tonight is that with ten singers in one hour, there's no time for padding. Well, not as much padding as they usually have, anyway. No individual clip shows! Put your hands in the air and wave them like you've just been spared listening to a bunch of kids blather on about how much they love singing!

The first contestant tonight is Joshua Gracin, singing "Ain't Goin' Down Till The Sun Comes Up" by Garth Brooks. Joshua heads out on the stage in his black outfit and a black cowboy hat. Okay, this is a fast song with a lot of lyrics tossed out at high speed. It's like a country rap song. Let me see if I can get a line of lyrics for y'all: "She's a cotton-loving Friday even momma doesn't know she's leaving Tuesday he's a stream a sound a road of squealing geezers jammed." I'm not kidding. I just played that first line ten times, and that's the best handle I can get on the lyrics without using the captions. And I'm sure the captioners are eternally grateful to have gotten the lyrics in advance, or else there would probably be some sudden job openings. So, yeah, Joshua's enunciation problems are highlighted in this performance, because I'm guessing here that Garth didn't just throw together a song made up of random words, although he probably could have gotten away with it at the height of his fame. Joshua tries to impersonate Garth's performance by running around all over the place -- down in front of the audience, across the stage, up to the camera. I wouldn't be surprised if he asked them to put him on wires so he could fly over the audience. But, honestly, I've heard Garth sing a few times, and Joshua is just awful in comparison. Toward the end I think he gives up on words entirely and just grunts out a bunch of syllables.

But of course, everybody loves him. Randy tells Josh he's "keepin' it real" (ugh) and says this is the best they've seen him. Paula babbles that Joshua's got a "true, smoky Southern voice." Olivia praises Joshua's voice and confidence. Simon clearly, clearly thinks the whole performance was ridiculous. Unfortunately, he admits that he's unfamiliar with the country genre, so for once, he's afraid to say what he really feels. He says the hat looks great. His judgment on the performance is a rather befuddled "Great!" Joshua heads over to Ryan, who says, "You're a shot of Southern Comfort. Who needs some?" His wife, you lech. Hands off. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

Commercials. When we return, it's time for Trenyce, singing Leann Rimes's "I Need You." She heads out onto the stage in an olive-green dress that does little to distract us from the war. She's got that breathiness problem in the verses again. That must be why she growled her way through much of that Bonnie Raitt song in the semifinals. When she gets to the belting in the chorus, she's much better, but she's still not as good as she has been in rounds. And then there's that hysterical lyrical flub. The chorus has two parts to it. The first part starts: "I need you like water." The second part starts, "I need you like mercy." She accidentally combines the two words and sings, "I need you like murder." The fact that the song is directed to Jesus makes it even funnier. Overall, not her best performance, and her facial expressions suggest that she knows it.

Judges. Randy loves the outfit and thinks she made the song her own. Paula thinks Trenyce has a sexy, beautiful voice. Yes, it's important that you sound sexy when you're singing to Jesus. He likes that sort of thing. Olivia also thinks Trenyce is beautiful and sang well. Simon thinks she's good and looks fabulous, but her performance was the weakest she's done so far. Trenyce nods her head in agreement. She heads over to Ryan, who asks her if she's okay. She says she is, in that way that indicates that she thinks she sucks eggs right now. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

up is Kimberley Locke, singing Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me." I think it says something that, every time Ryan introduces somebody, my body cringes with the expectation that the person is Corey Clark. Kimberley heads out in a shiny steel-colored top that trails down over her hips on one side, and jeans. It's not exactly slimming, but it's not hideous either. Her singing, though, is a perfect fit tonight. She's smoky and smooth. She's a little bit breathy -- in fact, she takes a deep breath after nearly every line -- but it works well for the song.

Judges. Randy says this was the best they've heard from her. Paula describes the performance as "haunting." Wow, she found a new adjective! If you picked up a thesaurus, could you lend it to Randy, please? Olivia says that "I Can't Make You Love Me" is one of her favorite songs, and Kimberley did a great job with it. Simon says the song could serve as the show's theme song. Then, reaffirming that he has never even heard of Bonnie Raitt before, he asks what that song has to do with the theme. Yeah, I'd put my musical career into the hands of somebody who has been in the United States for a year now, but still is ignorant of huge chunks of the industry. Except not. There's some awkwardness as Randy and Paula try to explain to Simon that it does indeed count as "country rock" even though it's a ballad. I'd call it more "honky-tonk blues," but nobody asked me, and it's not like the theme actually means anything. Kimberley heads over to Ryan, who says that the song is pretty and makes you want to make out. Uh, Ryan? Have you, you know, ever actually listened to the song? No, it doesn't make you want to make out. It makes you want to have a good cry and eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

Commercials. When we return, Ryan bothers a bunch of Heathers in the audience who all look alike, holding a sign wishing Carmen a happy eighteenth birthday. So America's wet dreams are legal now. Ernot that this is the reason why she's still in the competition. It's because she's so wholesome, you know.

And now it's time for the cringe to be for real. up is AUUUUUUGH! COREY CLARK'S NIPPLES. He heads onto the stage in his mesh shirt and bandanna to sing "Drift Away." His hair is back in the afro, although it looks better maintained than it did when we first met him. He gets a stool to sit on for some reason.

Users are losers,
And losers are users,
So don't use drugs!
Don't use drugs!
If you know a user, even part of the time,
Tell him to quit! Take a bite out of crime!
Users are losers,
And losers are users,
So don't use drugs!
Don't use drugs!

I don't know why that particular jingle popped up into my head. Corey is awful and can't enunciate and shrieks and AUUUUUGH! COREY'S NIPPLES!

Judges. Randy liked it. He likes it when Corey goes into that "upper register." Clearly, the notes Corey picks to sing up there must have the power to erase the judges' short-term memories or something. Paula agrees with Randy. She declares that Corey's voice is "refreshing." Olivia agrees that Corey is just lovely. Simon tells Corey not to wear Ryan's clothes. He thinks Corey sounded much better compared to last week. Corey heads over to Ryan, who jokes that he owns the pants, not the top. Shut up, Ryan. Shut up, COREY'S NIPPLES! AUUUUUUGH! Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

up is Carmen Rasmusen. Ryan reminds us that as of today, she's barely legal, rather than jailbait. She heads out to the stage to sing Martina McBride's "Wild Angels." She heads out to the Seal in a pale blue blouse and jeans, and now she's gotten into the heroin addict eye shadow. She urges the crowd to get on its feet and clap, and since the producers apparently love the untalented little vixen, the audience is no doubt encouraged to oblige. Man, it's just not fair for me to have to listen to both her and Corey in one section. She's off-key and all over the place on the notes. The vibrato is wretched. She is just truly, truly awful. If you just close your eyes or turn away from the television, it's absolutely clear how awful her singing is.

Judges. Randy asks her how her schoolin' is going, because God knows she's going to need that education for whatever career she actually ends up doing that will most assuredly not involve singing. Randy says that she was good, but had some "pitch problems." Paula wishes Carmen a happy birthday and thinks she did a great job. Olivia says Carmen has a lot of "power." See, she's one of the dark forces serving Tsathoggua. Corey is just a distraction. He's like Mr. Trick in the first part of the third season of Buffy. Carmen is like the Mayor, whom we don't realize until partly through the season is the true threat. Simon says the theme suited her. He thinks the song itself was dreadful, but thinks Carmen looked and sounded great with it. Oh, whatever. Then he tries to call Paula a rodeo clown, but he screws up his own punch line by calling her a "rodeo artist" instead, and Paula actually has to correct his insult. Idiot. Carmen heads over to Ryan, who points out that she and Olivia could be sisters. So maybe Carmen butchered "Hopelessly Devoted To You" last week in a fit of sibling jealousy? Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

Judges. Randy says the animated corpse of Julia has some pitch problems, but he thinks this was her best night. Paula agrees. Olivia agrees. Simon says that she was good, but looked as though she's trying too hard. Perhaps the zombie magic is fading and that's why they needed to (spoiler!) get rid of her. But Simon agrees that it was Julia's best night. Ryan heads out to the stage and gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

And even though we're behind schedule, we've gotta pay the bills, you know. Time for the [product-placed cola] nonsense. The kids throw a fake surprise birthday party for Carmen reminiscent of the fake surprise birthday party they had for Tamyra last year. The kids run around their mansion putting up decorations. Benny Hill music plays. Really, it does. They have the party. The [product-placed cola] flows freely. Clay shoves cake in Carmen face, presumably to keep her from singing. Thanks, Clay! Then she gets her revenge on him. And then she shoves cake into our faces. Isn't she so wholesome? Don't you want to vote for her even though she totally can't sing?

Commercials. Time for our last contestant, Clay Aiken. He heads out to sing Brian White's "Someone Else's Star" wearing Josh's white outfit. Actually, the shirt floats on Clay's frame so much that it very well could be Josh's, which should inspire some interesting speculation as to who is hooking up with whom. "Daddy brought a gift home for his favorite little girl!" "Yay! What is it?" "It's a book called Daddy's Roommate."

Uh, anyway, Clay. Yeah, this song does sound eerily similar to last week's song, and I thought this before Simon says it later. But I think Clay actually does a better job with this week's song than he did with last week's. The held notes just sound better. The audience shrieks and cheers when he's done.

And then Ryan runs out because they're totally out of time. Randy, Paula, and Olivia are giving Clay a standing ovation, and that's pretty much all the time they have. Simon gets to talk, because he's Simon, of course. He says it was nice, but that Clay sounded identical to last week's performance.

And after a clip show (AUUUUUUUGH! COREY CLARK'S NIPPLES!), Ryan reminds us to go out and vote. Many of you on the East Coast apparently couldn't get through for nearly an hour, but I'm sure that didn't mean anything. Cough.

Wednesday. It's another hour-long results show, because these people hate me so much. I missed the first half of Angel! Bastards. Melodramatic Announcer doesn't really have any melodramatic announcements for us tonight. He just tells us that one of the kids' "luck runs out" tonight. But he says it melodramatically, anyway. Oh, and Corey's wearing the pumpkin hat again. I imagine that's an "I don't feel like dealing with my hair today" hat, the afro equivalent of putting your hair in a ponytail or whatever.

And now we get the clip show for last night's performances. Josh was incomprehensible. AUUUUUUGH! COREY'S NIPPLES! Dammit, stop that! Olivia Newton-John was an even less useful judge than Paula. In this week's revisionist history tally, they take Simon's comments about Rickey's performance and make it look like he gave them to Julia. If you're going to foreshadow somebody's exit, could you be a little more subtle?

Time for the first group sing for the evening. It's a song called "Where The Blacktop Ends," a song I've never heard before. But it reminds me of Where The Sidewalk Ends, which was my favorite book of children's poetry when I was in fourth grade. I hope in vain for some amusing, fanciful lyrics. The kids all gather together, Carmen in the front because she's just so wholesome, and sing. The boys sing. They suck. Everybody sings. They suck. Carmen sticks her hip out and tries to pretend that Rickey isn't her partner. Kimberly (Look at me! Look! Look!) twirls around and clings to Ruben. It's all terribly blah. Y'all come back to Silver Dollar City, you hear?

Commercials. Oh, I feel so bad for poor Dylan Baker. If you're going to raise money for somebody, might I recommend starting a fund to rescue him from The Pitts?

When we return, so does Burt Bacharach. Because we all missed him so. Burt is remaking "What The World Needs Now Is Love" as a charity single, and he's enlisting the help of the kids. In a clip show, Ryan explains that the song was first written in 1968, when America was mired in the Vietnam War and Martin Luther King Jr. and Robert F. Kennedy were assassinated. Well, that certainly made me feel good about this current war. How about you? Where the hell are those "distractions" Ryan promised us last night? Anyway, Burt and the kids, and Schroeder, and Debra Byrd, are working to remake the song as a fundraiser for Red Cross. They all practice. They don't sound bad, really. Of course, as Bacharach songs go, the melody is fairly simple. Ruben is wearing his red-and-white 205 shirt throughout all this. All the kids praise the wonder that is Burt. The single will come out on April 15, which should not only ease our pain about the war, but also about our taxes.

Back at the studio, Ryan invites folks in the audience to ask "anything they want" (in quotes, because, you know, not!) of the contestants. Some girl from Tennessee asks Kimberley Locke how Los Angeles is different from Tennessee. See, these questions are totally fake. Didn't you watch the damned clip shows last week? Kim responds that everything and everyone is different. Illuminating. Some girl asks Simon what he would do if he were trapped on a boat with Paula and Randy and had to kick one off. He says he'd kick Paula off, then kill Randy and eat him. A girl asks the judges who their idols are. Randy jokes himself, then says Sly from Sly and the Family Stone. Paula picks Stevie Wonder. Ryan stupidly says, "Planning an operation?" Because, you know, you can't have an idol of the opposite sex or anything. Simon responds, "Sincerely, Paula Abdul." Which of course is a great big lie. But he probably can't answer honestly, because unlike Randy's joke, Simon's biggest idol truly is himself. A girl asks Paula if the right person always gets voted off. Paula says she doesn't, but takes the easy example and uses Tamyra from last season. Another girl asks Clay who he would like to play him in a movie. Clay responds, "Are you available, Ryan?" There's an awkward pause as everybody enjoys the amusing homoerotic subtext. Yeah, whatever. Anyway, Clay says Yahoo Serious, but nobody remembers him. They decide to go with Brad Pitt, because it doesn't really matter anyway. There's one last question. Some girl in the audience asks Ryan why he slipped her his number. The girl to her gets angry that he slipped her his number as well. Ladies, ladies! Calm down! He's just wanted to find out where you got your teeth done. I mean, it's not like he's into girls or anything. Randy teases him, and asks the people in the audience if they got his number as well. Many people raise their hands, including guys. I bet some of them aren't kidding, either.

And now, what will be Exhibit A in the Gracin divorce hearing. It's a [product-placed car] commercial in the middle of the show. Kimberly (Look at me! Look! I'm in a commercial! I'm a star!) stands on the side of the road in trashy biker-wear, to a broken-down motorcycle, as "Mustang Sally" plays. She tries to "fix" it but can't. Josh happens by in his [product-placed convertible] and pulls over. He's wearing a sleeveless shirt, revealing doughy arms that are even less attractive than Kimberley Locke's. As Joshua also pretends to fix the motorcycle, Kimberly sneaks over to his [product-placed convertible] and drives off. Joshua acts really, really badly when he pretends that he's shocked at this development. Eventually, Kimberly comes back for him, and they ride off together. The moral? This show will ruin your life forever.

Commercials. Okay, FOX should be apologizing for the fact that Wanda At Large is not funny.

We return to see Ryan standing in the audience still. One of Julia's fans is holding a sign upside-down. Hee. Oh, great -- we're padding with a clip show of the whole process of standing in line to get tickets to attend. People drove for hours in the hopes of getting in to see the show. See, this is what happens when you have a high unemployment rate. What else do they have to do? Ryan heads out there to give away tickets to people who can answer some trivia questions. How does Ryan get his hair to look that way? Answer: Simon's semen. What was Paula's first hit? Answer: "Straight Up." Who is Carmen's favorite male artist? Answer: Who the hell cares? She can't sing. This goes on. There is product placement in the trivia questions. How sad.

Time for another group sing to "celebrate the unity of our country" (Ryan's words) with a performance of "God Bless The U.S.A." Okay, here is a totally snark-free explanation about why I don't like this song and why it doesn't make a good anthem. An anthem is intended to bring people together and unify us all, correct? And I'm sure that's what Lee Greenwood meant. The problem is that the lyrics to the song are all based on Lee's experiences as an American, and there are lines that, intentionally or not, exclude people. No, I don't know would it be like to lose everything except for my children and my wife. I can't get married. The song also sets up an "us versus them" mentality: "The flag still stands for freedom, and they can't take away." Who is "they"? There are some people out there who think "they" also means "other Americans with which I disagree." I just read a letter to the editor where I live that paints the A.C.L.U. as "they." The result is that the song polarizes people based on their experiences as Americans, rather than brings them together. And some people love the song, while others loathe it intensely.

Anyway, now that I've had my rant, the performance is fine, although I'm fairly certain they added a ton of backing vocals to make it sound bigger. Josh gets the opening solo, of course. Well, he is the only one with a wife and child, so fine. Everybody wears Overwrought Faces Of Complete Seriousness. Some people in the audience cry, which makes me uncomfortable, because it makes me feel as though I'm supposed to like this song, even though I don't. Kimberley Locke cries, too. The audience cheers like mad when they're done.

Commercials. When we return, Ryan pimps the American Junior Idol show that they're starting up, even though there's already a show like that on the air already. And before anybody asks, I will bite off my own fingers rather than recap that show. And Ryan now has a weird little thin plastic pedestal in front of him, because I guess the weight of the little cards he carries are just too much for his manorexic frame to bear. Either that, or somebody convinced him that prolonged exposure to card stock causes wrinkles.

It's time to get to the judges' comments. The judges all loved Kimberly Caldwell, but her desperate cries for attention have started to get to the voters. She's in the bottom three. The crowd boos. Ruben, yeah, he's fine. Clay is . The people have grown tired of Clay's Broadway belting. He's in the bottom three. Yeah, he's totally not. He's fine. I just wanted to prepare you all for the possibility. I don't want you freezing up like Paula did last season when Justin nearly got booted. The animated corpse of Julia DeMato is . She's in the bottom three again. She smiles and lurches her way back onto the all-too-familiar Seal. Josh sounded ridiculous, but nobody cares. He's safe. Kimberley Locke sounded great, and the voters agreed. Plus she's not one of the last two on the couches. She's safe. Trenyce is . Some folks in the audience cheer, recognizing that she's safe because, again, two other people left. They're right. She's safe. Carmen is wretched, but safe. I don't get it. I really don't. I can very nearly understand why some people like Corey's voice. I won't agree in a million years, but I get it. I don't understand why anybody thinks Carmen's voice is remotely pleasing to the ear. That leaves Corey and Rickey battling for the final slot in the bottom three.

Commercials. When we return, Ryan reminds us that the former rivals Kimberly and Julia are in the bottom three. And Rickey will be joining them. The diabolic Corey is safe yet again. When Ryan first announced this, I immediately thought to myself, "If either Julia or Kimberly gets sent back first, that means Rickey is a goner." That's because the show milks up this stupid "rivalry" at every opportunity and wouldn't separate them unless they had to. Corey and Carmen give Rickey a big hug, and he heads over to the Seal. Judges. Randy says America got it wrong. Of course, he doesn't say who should be there instead. Paula agrees. Ryan should demand that they say who should be there instead. I realized that I could actually see any of the kids in the bottom three tonight with the exceptions of Ruben, Kimberley Locke, and Clay, and not be surprised. Simon thinks that America got it right. The audience boos, because they're stupid. Except for any TWoP fans who are in the audience. Paula and Randy keep interrupting Simon as he explains that they all need to pull off better performances. This argument is so stupid. Neither Paula nor Randy has the cojones to actually stand up and say, "Carmen, you should have been in the bottom three," so they really have no choice but to suck it up when Simon does. So shut up.