“ She performed a theme to a James Bond, so that's enough to qualify her to guest judge. That's fine with me -- that means no Diane Warren. Which means no calls to poison control after I pour bleach in my ears. ”
Tuesday. They've brought in Melodramatic Announcer on Tuesdays now to voice-over the show's opening. Or perhaps he's possessed Ryan. He reminds us that last week, "the hopes of twelve people lay at the mercy of the nation's whim." Thanks for reminding me that I hate people. I'm beginning to take Tsathoggua's side in all of this. He reminds us (melodramatically) that Vanessa was booted, and says melodramatic things like "the screw twists ever tighter." Suddenly the show has turned into an Agatha Christie novel. Tonight the kids will sing again, and one will get booted.
Credits. Ryan "Chasing The Sun" Seacrest greets us from atop the seal, dressed like a participant in Bumfights. Hee hee. "Bum." Anyway, he greets the cheering crowd. A row of Marines is there. Melonbar is there with her "All aboard the Clay Train" sign. I don't see her at the moment, but I figure I'll get that out of the way in case I miss it later. Hi, Melonbar! If anybody out there is able to sneak in a "Shut up, Corey!" sign, I'd appreciate it. Ryan tells us that the kids tonight will be singing movie themes, which of course is a perfect transition to remind us that Kelly (deleted) Clarkson and Justin Guarini's movie will be out soon. What amazing timing! And Kelly's here tonight to pimp her movie for us by singing a song. Incidentally, for week's theme, contestants will sing their favorite [product-placed cola] jingles.
Ryan introduces the kids out onto the stage. The women are all dressed ridiculously. Ruben is wearing a red and white 205 shirt. So it's business as usual. Then Ryan introduces Simon "Ruthless People" Cowell, Paula "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" Abdul, and Randy "Eat Your Heart Out" Jackson. Ryan recites stupid movie-related jokes as he introduces them, and my computer refuses to let me repeat them here. And this week, we get to see pictures of young Randy and his wild '80s styles. He's standing to Sammy Hagar while wearing a crazy little bolero hat. There are leopard prints. There is hair. Lots of hair. Square-shaped hair. You know, as ridiculous as he looks in retrospect, Randy was probably the height of style at that time. Of course, now he just wears whatever, so we have to have all our fashion fun at the expense of Paula and Ryan. Oh, and the kids.
Ryan starts blathering on to build up suspense about who the celebrity judge is tonight. Meanwhile, behind him, the words "Gladys Knight" appear on the monitor. Heh. She performed a theme to a James Bond, so that's enough to qualify her to guest judge. That's fine with me -- that means no Diane Warren. Which means no calls to poison control after I pour bleach in my ears. Gladys comes out, and the kids in the audience all cheer, pretending they know who she is. Gladys is really excited to be there, which is awfully cute. It's funny to see actual talented performers supporting the show. She points out the audience that her career started on a talent show like this. And she's worked with Randy before, too. She mimes blowing a kiss at Randy, although somehow it looks like she's miming passing a joint. Okay, then. Ryan pimps Gladys to the audience -- her show in Vegas is tops on the Strip, and she's involved in some movie. There are a lot of jokes about Gladys being afraid to sit to Simon. Let's move on, please.
Grigsby Goes Down
“ Why do all these desperate entertainment media people want to interview me? Why do they want to take pictures of me? Why am I standing around and posing for them? Why am I suddenly in an ungainly econo-sized limo? ”
How about a Gladys Knight clip show? Man, this one is going to encourage fame whores everywhere. She started singing at the age of four. She was "discovered" at age eight on some talent show. The Pips are founded. The group sings lots of songs. They win awards. She's far more successful than anybody involved with this show is likely to be. That includes you, Simon. When we head back to the stage, Ryan makes a joke about "Gladys Knight and the Drips" in reference to her sitting with the judges. Shut up, Ryan.
Time for the kiddies. We start off with an ear-screeching shriek tonight in the form of Corey Clark. Shut up, Corey. Okay, I've got three hours to recap and I'm tired and this show is terribly redundant and I hate everything. All the clip shows tonight are of these kids pretending that they're surprised at all the sudden fame. Why do all these desperate entertainment media people want to interview me? Why do they want to take pictures of me? Why am I standing around and posing for them? Why am I suddenly in an ungainly econo-sized limo? Yes, I'm sure none of them had any idea that this was going to happen. Hell, they didn't even know the show was going to be on television, I'm sure. So anyway, I'm going to just tell you anything interesting that happens during any clips. Just assume the rest is all, "What? You want pictures of li'l ol' me?" variety. Corey insists to us that he's made a lot of sacrifices. It's not easy to give up the booty and the Tanqueray, you know.
Corey heads out to the stage in a sweater in neutral tones and oversized pleather pants. And he's clutching a sweat rag. No, really. He wipes his face with it before he starts to sing.
Dinner's done, the day has ended,
Peace and quiet have descended.
Now it's just the two of you,
And your Maxwell House.
Pour a cup; enjoy the flavor.
Talk about what's new.
Spend some precious time together,
Maxwell House and you.
Get that "good to the last to the drop" feeling,
With Maxwell House, only Maxwell House
Gives you "good the last drop" feeling,
Maxwell house.
See, that old jingle has the added benefit that it was sung by Ray Charles, so this coffee commercial is about fifty times better than the awful shrieking that is currently emanating from my television as Corey butchers "Against All Odds." I was never fond of that song, but it certainly doesn't deserve to be treated like this. The audience sits stone-faced through this performance. When he hits some high notes (much in the way machine gun "hits" a target) we hear some cheering, but a pan over the audience shows a fairly muted reaction, so I'm not sure we can trust it.
Grigsby Goes Down
Judges. Corey blathers about Randy's crazy hair in the pictures, like he's one to talk. Randy says he liked how Corey "pimped out" with the sweat rag. Randy liked it. Things were done, dawg. Paula seems to think Corey "took some risks" with his upper register, and that signified some sort of change. They say this every week. It's like they forget how awful he sounds right after each performance and are surprised again every week. Maybe he is in league with dark powers. He's not the one who will open the Seal of Tsathoggua. Rather, his singing will be used to keep bystanders at bay so that Tsathoggua and his spawn can feed once he's released. Gladys thinks Corey's wonderful and has "that range." That's not a good start, Gladys. Corey responds, "That's Gladys Knight, y'all." Uh, yeah. Does weed make you sweaty? Just asking. Simon finally has returned to the same universe that the rest of us are all living in to say the performance was okay, but some of the notes at the end sounded "downright painful." Some people boo, but I hear some people cheering, too. Ha! Corey's response is, "I'm glad you changed your shirt, Simon." Uh? Shut up, Corey.
Corey heads over to Ryan, who grabs the sweat rag and WIPES HIS FACE WITH IT! Ew! Ew, ew, ew, ewwwww! Even Corey is a bit horrified and comes out of his stoner haze to tell Ryan that he doesn't want the towel back. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes. Then he throws the towel out to some people in the audience who insist that they want it. If you see those people in the street, you have my permission to slap some sense into them.
Commercials. I fear that I'm the only person who finds Wanda Sykes to be terribly unfunny. ["Nope." -- Sars]
When we return, it's Ruben Studdard. Or as Ryan calls him, "Ruuuuuuuuuuben." And this, unfortunately, has led to audience members shrieking, "Ruuuube!" I find that amusing, given the definition of "rube." Ruben is from Birmingham. He is just shocked, shocked at all the fame.
Ruben heads out to the stage in his 205-wear to sing "A Whole New World" from Aladdin, because he's a Robin Williams fan. Yeah, that makes sense. Anyway, somebody I used to know actually paid a singer to perform this song at her wedding, and the bride was the most entertainingly melodramatic woman I've ever met in my life (she thought she was going to die during a canoe trip), so this song always makes me giggle just a little bit. Ruben's lovely. The audience loves him. Although, now I'm thinking he sounds more like Peabo Bryson than Luther Vandross. Oh, and he sings the lyrics in the wrong order, like he took the lines from each verse and mixed them all up and then put them back together randomly. I suppose it's a testament to the bland throwaway sentiments of the song that it doesn't really seem any different. If I had never heard the song before, I wouldn't have known.