Faker's Dozen

Tuesday. Ryan "Atom Tan" Seacrest greets us from atop the Seal of Tsathoggua and reminds us that tonight is the wild card round, providing a "second" chance for the nine contestants singing tonight. Of course, it's actually the first chance for half of them, because they've never sung for us before. Although if you want to be technical, I suppose bringing them back after the judges rejected them in Glendale does sort of count as a second chance. Well, fine then. It's the little smirk and slight nod of the head from Clay as they introduce tonight's performers that reminds me of Anne Robinson from The Weakest Link. It's the exact same facial expression she would wear at the start of the show.

Credits. We return to the Seal so that Ryan can explain the whole wild card thing yet again. He's wearing a relatively mild light gray shirt and jeans tonight. Of course, the shirt is partly unbuttoned, has a gigantic collar, and is not tucked in, but at least it's not searing my retinas. He heads over to introduce Simon "Go Mental" Cowell, Paula "Four Years Old" Abdul, and Randy "Makin' It Large" Jackson. Ryan reminds Simon that he promised that they'd reveal an "unbelievable twist" and says that we're all waiting at home to find out. He adds that there's "a lot of guessing going on," all of which is not true because we all KNOW what the twist is because YOU IDIOTS revealed what the twist is the week before this show even aired on the official web site! And then, of course, every entertainment outlet reported this twist days ago, so the only people who are about to be surprised are people who don't follow the show. Except they're not going to be surprised either because they don't follow the show. Morons. And then Simon tries to torment us by telling us the twist is that they're bringing back Brian Dunkleman. Ha ha ha! Just kidding. Actually, they tried, but they couldn't pull Brian away from the "Barely Legal Famewhores 4 U" chat room on AOL. And I wouldn't joke so much if I were you, Simon. My hatred of Brian slightly diminished the hatred I felt for all the rest of you. Now there's no buffer.

So the big "twist" is that it's going to be twelve finalists instead of ten. No, there is not another "big twist" that they insisted was in addition to this twist. That's the one. They're just pretending that this wasn't already revealed to us. Idiots. The judges are going to pick three of the wild card kids to move on. And a public vote will determine the fourth, which will put us at that final total of twelve. Ryan repeats this to us again because we're apparently all brain-damaged. Ryan points out that some of these kids have gotten very little camera time. Randy lies that it's a "clean slate" and that all the kids will be judged according to tonight's performances. And then his pants catch on fire. Puh-leeze. I think they had already made their decision before the kids even sang tonight.

Ryan reminds us all about the [product-placed wireless service] voting and blah blah vote blah as he heads back across the stage to Pimp Central. He introduces us to the kids and the families, et cetera. That family thing never really worked out, did it? Only one confrontation, and that's it. Oh well. season they'll be replaced with a panel of expert hecklers, culled from comedy clubs across the country.

Our first wild card contestant tonight is Kimberly "Look at me! Look! I'm Kimberly! Look at me!" Caldwell. She tells us all how she didn't make it in the first trip through the semifinals, but thinks that "everything happens for a reason." Yes -- that reason was because people didn't like your singing. I hate people who embrace some sort of ambiguous destiny as an excuse for not taking responsibility for their own fate. She says that she found out she was picked for the wild card round on her twenty-first birthday. She knew about this eight years ago? Anyway, she wants to be picked for the finals, unlike all those other singers on the show.

Kimberly heads out to the Seal of Tsathoggua in a simple black dress that looks much better on her than anything she's worn in the past. She's singing "I Feel The Earth Move" tonight. And Schroeder is gone for the evening. The show sprung for backing music and singers for the performances tonight. Kimberly's her typical husky-voiced not-quite-hitting-the-notes-exactly-right-but-not-exactly-missing-them-either self. Not only is she constantly playing directly to the camera, but she even moves around the stage to get closer to whichever one is on her. I'm afraid that if they try to do a close-up, she'll grab the camera and start making out with it. And as a tip: Don't pick a song that has weird grunting sounds in the lyrics. For some reason, it usually sounds fine in the original version, because it comes across as natural or spontaneous. When you mimic it, you sound ridiculous.

Judges. Randy thinks Kimberly was okay, but not as good as she was in her initial auditions. Paula tells Kimberly she has "star quality," but thought that she was a little bit "under" the whole way through the song. I think she's referring to the key, not the tempo. Did I just have to dumb down one of Paula's comments? I need something to drink. Simon makes a mockery of the whole "clean slate" comment and tells Kimberly that he hopes people keep in mind her performances, because she was "unimpressive" tonight. Well, her performances weren't enough to get her through last time either. How are they going to make a difference? Like it matters, really -- Kimberly was destined to be a wild card the minute Julia DeMato took the second chair in the first round.

Kimberly heads back to Pimp Central and sits down to Ryan. Ryan reminds us that the judges had predicted Kimberly would make it the first time around, but she didn't. He asks her what she focused on this time. Kimberly says she focused on everything and may have over-focused herself. I learned so much from that interview -- namely that both of these people are stupid. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

Commercials. There are commercials by [product-placed wireless service] about how you can vote for contestants through text messages. What, isn't hearing it twelve times an episode from Ryan enough? Shut up!

When we return, it's time for Clay Aiken. Clay reminds us how he sung "Open Arms" in the second round, but androgyny didn't go over so well the first time around, so he's hoping people get over his big ears and geeky appearance.

Clay hits the Seal wearing a black sport coat, sweater vest, and powder blue crewneck shirt. It's the uniform for the school guidance counselor who wants the kids to think he's not a stiff. He's singing "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me," which fits him well, since Elton John's the closest thing we've got to Broadway in pop. He gets an actual karaoke bar background of brightly colored, slowly shifting mood lights. There's not much to say about Clay; either you go for his slightly alien look and Broadway-style delivery, or you don't. I don't, but more power to the apparent ninety-five percent of the forum posters who do.

Judges. Paula loves him, his hair, his style, his singing, his Y-chromosome, et cetera. Randy says that Clay looks "fly." He gives him the standing O and Paula joins him. He seems to think that Clay has changed in some significant fashion from his performances. He hasn't. Simon has even come around, and has decided that the fact that Clay isn't terribly attractive is working for him and making him distinct from the other contestants. They all love him.

Clay heads back to Pimp Central to sit to Ryan, who spits out a bunch of faux-ghetto terms for reasons that aren't worth paying attention to. Shut up, Ryan. He doesn't even ask Clay any dumb questions and goes straight to the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

up, after more nonsensical comments from Ryan, is Nasheka. I think Ryan used some poppers while Clay was out singing. Nasheka tells us zzzzzzzzzzzz. The judges told her she had no stage presence. She says she tried to work on that. Yawn.

Nasheka heads out to the Seal in a dark brown lace-up camisole and an absolutely hideous denim skirt. The front is all bunched up strangely, and you can see the outline of her thighs. I didn't know you could get camel-toe on a skirt. She's also wearing black thigh boots to complete the dreadful outfit. She has chosen "Wind Beneath My Wings" to perform, and could she have picked a song that screamed "high school talent show" any louder? And no, her stage presence hasn't gotten any better. She stares blankly into the camera and waves a hand around vaguely while she sings. She's the very definition of "blah." She gets ripples of water as a background graphic to indicate her utter lack of flavor.

Judges. Randy says Nasheka wasn't "wild" enough for the wild card round. Simon asks her if she was even more nervous this week. She says she wasn't really. Simon thinks she sang brilliantly. Whatever. Paula says she thinks Nasheka did a better job than last time, but she's very hesitant with her praise, like she doesn't really think that. Randy says that he was hoping for more growth and emotion and connection and blah blah blah. He asks her if she smiled. She insists that she did. She didn't.

Nasheka heads back to Pimp Central. Ryan asks how she feels. She feels happy. She doesn't look it. I kind of feel bad for her, because I'm the same way. I don't know how many times I've posed for photos, and the person holding the camera tells me to smile, and I insist that I am. Apparently, I don't smile. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

Commercials. When we return, it's time for Carmen Rasmusen, whom we've never seen before, ever. She's seventeen years old, blonde, pretty, and from the smurfily named city of Bountiful, Utah. She sang a country song at the original auditions, and they liked it. She tells us she's going to dress flashier, but still sing a country song, because it worked for her last time.

She heads out to the Seal in an outfit that would only be considered flashy to nuns -- those particularly stern nuns who think you're sinning against God just by breathing His air. She's wearing a floral-print sleeveless shirt and pale pink pants. Her conception of what counts as a "country" song isn't much better. She's picked "Can't Fight The Moonlight" to sing; I've heard of that song, and if I've heard of the song, it's not really country.

And the girl can't sing. She's got a wretched vibrato, and her voice has a strange echoing quality. Some people on the forums who know a lot more about singing than I do have theorized that there's some voice-correction technology at work here. If it's true, I wonder if they do that for all the contestants. Anyway, she's bad and blah and please stop singing. God. Why did they call her back?

Judges. Paula can't bring herself to tell Carmen that she sucks, so she gives some vague speech about how this is all part of the experience of something and blah blah blah. She tells Carmen to work on her showmanship. Randy also non-critiques that she needs to have more confidence, and compares her unfavorably to Clay's stage presence. Simon tells her that they brought back some contestants to see if they'd shine, and Carmen didn't. He says she wasn't good enough. Actually, let me quote that directly -- he says she "wasn't good enough."

Carmen heads back to Pimp Central, and Ryan asks her if she was nervous. She was. Fascinating. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes and makes Carmen's equally blonde little sister come sit to her.

Commercials. When we return, it's time for Olivia Mojica, who looks like Bjork, but only if you hate Bjork. Like Carmen, Olivia is a lithe young seventeen-year-old, except with black hair. She made it to Hollywood, but was cut in the very first round and was crushed. This time she hopes things turn out better.

She heads out to Seal in a pink lingerie-style dress that has reflective sequins all over the chest. She's singing "Because You Love Me." Barely. Not in the sense that she's wildly off-key, but in the sense that you can barely hear her singing. My pet bunny would have a stronger vocal presence on that stage. Plus, he's even cuter than Olivia. When the background singers come in for the chorus, she might as well be lip-synching.

Judges. Randy starts off by saying, "Another great Diane Warren song," which is like is kind of like saying, "What a beautiful abscess!" He didn't think it was the right song for Olivia, in the sense that you have to sing louder than the hum of a refrigerator in order for it to work. Simon says that Olivia sounded "childlike" when she sang and adds that he doesn't think Diane, who is "a good friend" of his, "will be jumping for joy" when she hears Olivia's rendition. The woman sold a song to O-Town. She's a hack. Did she get a royalty for Olivia's performance? If she did, then I'm sure she'll be thrilled. Paula says that part of the competition is being able to give a performance of a lifetime at a moment's notice. Until you hit it big, of course. Then you coast and become a drug addict.

Olivia heads back to Pimp Central and gets hugs and flowers from her little brother, who was probably forced to do so by his parents. At that age, my parents would have had to use handcuffs and a stun gun just to force me to attend my sister's performance. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

up is Janine Falsone, who pushes Ryan when he teases her about whether or not there's going to be a commercial before she sings. You may recall that she pushed him back in the audition rounds when he she was still one of the "dueling girlfriends" and he tried to start a fight between her and the other woman. It's hard to hate somebody who isn't afraid to assault Ryan, but I'll do my best. Janine reminds us how she forgot the words in her initial audition, but made it to Glendale anyway. And then she was cut. She says that she had "a feeling it wasn't over." In that confessional they had back in the initial rounds, she warns us that we haven't seen the last of her. Big deal. Every fame whore says that. It's like their mating call. And she's the one who was on Elimidate, right? Anything to be on television. They probably didn't even have to do much to invite her back; she was probably standing in line to audition for whatever reality show was filming on the soundstage door.

Janine hits the stage in a black lace-up camisole and jeans. She's singing Pat Benatar's "We Belong." Apparently, Janine spent a lot on her manicure, and she wants to show it off. She waves her fingers and holds her left hand up in that "check out my engagement ring" gesture all throughout the song. Her voice is blah. She's okay, but she has absolutely no energy or passion. She certainly doesn't belong to any thunder. The lyrics sound like a random collection of words that she just happens to be singing

Judges. Simon says Janine had "about as much passion as a kitten mewing." He says that she's beautiful and sexy, but the song was wrong for her. Paula says Janine was much better in New York. Randy says Janine is "drop-dead." He doesn't say "gorgeous," leaving us to stick in other words like "talentless" and "boring." He says he really didn't like her performance.

Janine heads back to Pimp Central and sits down by Ryan. He asks her how she thinks she did. She sadly agrees with the judges' comments. Awwww, don't worry, Janine. There are about ten new reality shows in the works. We still haven't seen the last of you, I'm sure. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

Commercials. up is Chip Days. In an interview, he reminds us that the judges hated his style. So he bought new Seacrest-esque clothes. They're not see-though, though. He didn't change anything else, apparently. He thinks his sweater is what kept him from the finals.

Chip hits the Seal wearing a white untucked shirt and gray pants. Boring. Simon compliments him on the shirt before he sings. Whatever. He's singing Michael Jackson's "Rock With You." Well, it's nice to see that the Carlton, last shown to us by Nikki McKibbin, has returned to the stage. Chip cannot dance. At all. And just as with Janine, he's got absolutely no passion for the song. His stage presence is creepy, as he stares unblinkingly into the camera and constantly licks his lips as he sings. It's all cheesier than those Pizza Hut commercials where they put cheese on everything.

Judges. Randy seems to think that Chip improved his look and stage presence over his performance last week. Paula says she likes Chip and his voice. When that's all that Paula has to say, you know you're doomed. Simon thinks Chip's audition was terrible. He says he thinks that Chip made a bad song choice and is capable of much better. Paula insists that Chip showed more personality this time. She lies. Chip blandly thanks them and heads back to Pimp Central.

Back on the swirl couch, Ryan asks Chip about Simon's comments. Chip says that Simon's always harping on him about song choice, and he's learned to just ignore it. Yeah, so we saw. Thanks ever so much. I guess the slightly humorous-creepy performance is preferable to all the boring performances we've heard tonight. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

up is Aliceyn Cooney. In an interview, she explains, "Angel. Angel angel angel. Angel angel angel, angel angel. Angel. Angel angel angel."

Aliceyn heads out to the Seal in an incredibly unflattering brown blouse that crushes her boobs and makes her look fatter than she really is and jeans. She's here to belt out "Angel" for us again, in case you didn't understand my paragraph." She's okay. She has a deep voice that works well for the song, but you can tell she's one of those girls who has practiced this one song for years and probably wouldn't sound so well on something else.

Judges. Simon says Aliceyn was "good," but not spectacular. Randy says she sounded a little shaky, but was "a'ight." Paula tells Aliceyn that she has a nice voice, but has sung nothing but "Angel" in both the original and Glendale auditions. Actually, didn't we see her sing one of those made-up songs they forced on the kids before she got cut? "Angel," Aliceyn responds before she heads back to Pimp Central.

On the Swirl Couch, Ryan asks Aliceyn how she responded to the call back out of the blue for the wild card round. "Angel," she explains. "Angel angel -- angel. Angel angel angel angel." Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.

Before we go to commercials, we get this week's [product-placed cola] show. Apparently, Justin Guarini showed up on the set at the bidding of his corporate masters to ham it up for the camera. Seriously, Justin's stage presence and behavior during this little behind-the-scenes skit makes it seem like Sinbad lost some weight and grew out his hair. Justin's also grown a thin little mustache and goatee. It looks like he's got dirt smudged on his face. All the girls think he's hot, except for Olivia, who declares that at the tender age of twenty-three, Justin's too old for her. Funny, I'm sure Justin wonders why that thirty-year-old woman is telling everybody she's seventeen. They all run around and pose for the cameras. Yawn.

Commercials. I totally adore how my sexual orientation is used as a stupid gimmick in some crap-ass bad comedy. Except not. Shut up, Boat Trip.

You too, Oliver Beene.

When we return, it's time for Trenyce, our final performer for the evening. Thank god. She reminds us that she sang Bonnie Raitt in the first round, and Simon hated the song choice, even though he loved her voice. Funny how they only showed the hate part of that quote from him in the clips. So she worked to find a better song.

Perhaps she shouldn't have forgotten about the outfit, though. Trenyce heads out to the Seal dressed like a hooker in a black, see-through shirt and hot pink mini-skirt. And she's also got shiny black boots and hoop earrings. It's quite possibly the trashiest outfit I've seen on the show, and that includes whatever Alexandra Bachelier and Tenia Taylor wore. She's going to sing Usher's "Let's Stay Together" tonight. Just kidding with the Usher thing. Did you see the look on your face? Anyway, despite the bad outfit, Trenyce's singing is vastly improved over her growly performance in the first round of semifinals. Her voice is very solid, though she tends to add a few syllables to every held note rather than just holding it straight. But she doesn't bounce up and down the scale like some other performers would. And she's got loads of stage presence working for her, although I'm sure I've made my position clear on why you shouldn't caress your own face. Anyway, Trenyce is the only performer tonight who appears to actually be feeling the music. And if some of you think she's a little scary-looking, that's okay. She'll be my E-Jay for this season.

Judges. Randy and Paula give her a big standing O. Trenyce rushes over and hugs Paula and shakes Randy's hand. They both loved her. Simon says he didn't love it as much as the other two did and just pouts that he's in a bad mood. He doesn't actually criticize Trenyce or anything. I think he just wanted some attention. He gets some from Paula and calms down. Paula and Randy conclude by applauding Trenyce again.

Trenyce heads back to Pimp Central. Ryan says that he doesn't know why Simon's so upset -- allegedly he's in love and is going to get engaged soon. Awwww, Ryan and Simon are going to take a trip to Vermont soon. How cute. Ryan asks her if it was tougher going last. No, it wasn't. Thanks for playing Bad Interview! Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes. And after a recap of tonight's performances, Ryan reminds us to vote. Not that it matters, really, because even if you hated somebody, the judges may well shove them into the finals anyway. But I get ahead of myself.

Wednesday. After about a million of those Kylie Minogue commercials for Bally's, we finally open with Melodramatic Announcer Melodramatically Announcing that the nine contestants "were pulled back from the brink and offered a second chance in the competition." Like they were all standing at the edge of a tall building, declaring, "If I can't succeed as a fame whore, then there's just no reason to live anymore!" And then they were saved by a call from the producers just seconds before taking that final step.

Credits. Ryan greets us from the Seal of Tsathoggua and tells us we remember him from such shows as American Idol or American Idol: The Results Show. What, are we distancing ourselves from Ultimate Revenge and Wild Animal Games already? Are we too good for those shows now? Ryan's wearing a gray shirt with a dark gray pocket, sort of making it look like fake denim, and black pants. The shirt is stupid, but inoffensively so. Ryan blathers on for a full thirty minutes, explaining the wild card show and about how five of the kids tonight will be rejected yet again. Thank god. I think after another dozen rejections they'll give up.

Ryan heads over to introduces the judges again. Simon mocks him for the lengthy, boring explanation of the wild cards. In a fun with Photoshop moment, Ryan snarks about how pissy Simon was last night, and they show pictures of him doctored up with a pacifier in his mouth, and then another him in a bib and bonnet. He's fussy because he's a baby, y'all! Ryan says that the only way to make Simon feel better is with a group hug. And then all the kids, their families, and I believe some folks on the crew rush out and give Simon a great big hug. Well, that burned up about fifteen seconds. Now what about the rest of that hour?

But that's not enough to calm Simon down. He explains to all of us at home that the fighting behind the scenes is even worse. He then declares that Nigel Lythgoe, executive producer, and Ken Warwick, second executive producer, are both "pains in the ass." They argue about this shit for several seconds, like anybody watching the show has any idea what the hell these people are talking about. It's almost like the show is self-destructing right before our eyes. Simon's pissy, but we don't know what the hell he's talking about, of course, and nobody says anything that actually gives us any details. But it works out well for a poll question. Ryan says he'd be scared to go "on the record" saying stuff like that. Well, that's because you don't want to go back to hosting those crappy cable game shows, while Simon actually has a lot of money and doesn't have to care.

Well, that burned up some time. Let's burn up some more by taking about five minutes to introduce the eight who have already been named to the finals. My god, I think Julia has gotten a boob job since we saw her last. Or maybe she's actually wearing a bra this time, so they're standing out a little more. Kimberly Locke is wearing a tapered red dress, which still isn't doing her hips any favors. Ruben is wearing yet another 205 shirt. Vanessa is wearing five different shades of orange and more fake fur (also orange). She waves and hams to the camera. Corey has his hair slicked back and affixes his gormless stare of utter stupidity into the camera. Shut up, Corey.

Ryan introduces us again to the wild card contestants, and we get another clip show recap of last night. They replay all of Simon's criticisms. He hated everybody except for Clay and Nasheka. Well, that's another couple of minutes. Are we done yet? No? Okay, back onstage, Ryan tries to feed us a line of shit that Kimberly Caldwell is "vibing" on Clay. She gives him an "Are you kidding me?" look. I'm sure if you told her she'd get more camera time, she'd declare her undying love for Clay. Anyway, she insists that she and Clay are just friends. Apparently, though, Clay is really popular with the ladies when they all go out. Not to dismiss Clay's popularity, because god knows it's real, but when you're on a reality show and you go out in the Los Angeles area, and women throw themselves at you, they're really hoping there are cameras around. Ryan then turns around and asks Trenyce why the judges should pick her tonight, like they haven't already made up their mind. I guess the point of this is to remind us of the existence of Trenyce, to kind of make up for the lack of screen time she's gotten in the auditions. Trenyce has gone for the old-fashioned hooker look tonight by dressing up in Moulin Rouge attire. She says she hopes people thinks she's a good performer. Fascinating. How does Carmen think she did? Carmen thinks she could have done better by, you know, singing the right notes and stuff. Chip? He thinks he was pretty good. Now that I'm watching it again, I find it interesting that he spoke only to Kimberly (and brought up Clay), Trenyce, and Carmen, and tossed in a couple of seconds with Chip at the very end there. Very telling in retrospect.