Tuesday. We've got a Melodramatic Announcer again, but I don't think it's the same one as last season. He's got the same overwrought "One of these contestants is going to die!" line delivery, however, so he can inherit the name. Melodramatic Announcer melodramatically tells us all how 70,000 fame-whores did everything they could to get on the teevee. Of those, 234 were rewarded with a trip to Glendale. Oh, lucky them. Those numbers were whittled down to thirty-two desperate young folks who are sure they're going to light up the sky like a flame. Tonight, eight of the semifinalists will sing for us. And we get to vote for which ones we like. But you already knew that, didn't you?
Credits. Okay, first of all, the Octagon of Judgment is gone. Gone! Without so much as a farewell! Probably just tossed out in the dumpster, on top of a sleeping Brian Dunkleman. Instead, there's a huge circle on the floor with the American Idol logo on it, because we don't get to see that nearly enough. Second of all, Ryan "Y.M.C.A." Seacrest is looking pretty gaunt. Dude, ya gotta eat. As Debbie from Queer as Folk observed, you really should get at least some of your protein off a plate. And the mullet he's beginning to grow isn't helping matters. Ryan heads out to the…uh…well, I'll have to think of a new nickname. "Circle of Judgment" just doesn't sound right. Anyway, Ryan heads out to the stage and introduces us to the alleged new and improved semifinal set. Since I think it turned out last year that the set for the finalists was just the improved semifinal set, it's safe to say that the "improvements" consist mostly of letting the old final set decorations remain. Ryan explains for the benefit of all the new viewers they've sucked in this season that we'll be hanging around on this stage for the five weeks as the thirty-two semifinalists sing for us. There's no audience. There's one piano player as accompaniment, and he's not very good. Ryan doesn't tell us that part, but we'll all find out soon enough. They show off all the fancy camera angles they've got to kill time.
Ryan heads over to the other side of the…uh…"Vicious Circle." How does that sound? Nah. Anyway, he heads over to introduce us again to our judges, Randy "Round Here" Jackson, Paula "Making Me Crazy" Abdul, and Simon "So Dark" Cowell. They're seated in the same spot they were last year, with some minor changes. No silly little [product-placed cola] cheap plastic cups this year, no sirree. Now the judges have fancy red glasses with the logo on them. There are weird Plexiglas plates attached to the bottom of their table now, perhaps to keep flop sweat from performers from splashing off the circle onto their legs. Simon needs to button up his shirt just a little more, unless he actually wants to look like a lecherous creep, which he just might. Paula's showing a little bit too much cleavage as well, but she looks pretty good in her black blouse with see-through sleeves. Randy looks like Randy. The judges joke about how they're going to be so much nicer to the contestants this year.
After the pointless chit-chat, Ryan heads back across the…uh…"Circle of Strife"? Eh. No. Anyway, he brings us over to the newly pimped up Pimp Central. The kids are all in there, and there's a new couch over in the corner, where Ryan introduces us to the families of the kids. Oh, that's just great. They're really hoping that an actual fight breaks out somehow this season. If somebody hits somebody else on this show, they're going to show it every single episode for the rest of the season. Oh, and there are two swirl couches now for the kids. But they still get the old plastic cups. They aren't famous yet, you know.
But before we can actually hear them suck…I mean, "sing," we have to have a clip show. We get to see this crop of kids arriving in Los Angeles. Again! They arrive at the studios and run into Pimp Central. Pimp Central is actually a nook, not a room. An entire side of it is totally open. I don't recall if they ever showed that last year. It makes that fake "surprise" birthday party they arranged there for Tamyra last year even more improbable. The kids all hug and pretend they're all friends on the, uh…Ring of Pain. No. That one was really bad. Sorry. Then they get to be interviewed by "the press," as exemplified by cameras from E! and Access Hollywood. Some girl tells us all that this is all she's ever wanted to do. She says it feels so good doing this. That's great. Now, which one are you again? Bettis says he's running out of things to talk about. Julia DeMato, standing to J.D. Adams, tells some "reporter" that she can't tell her what she's wearing because stars don't do that. Uh, Julia, sweetie, yes they do. It's the first thing that comes up on The Red Carpet of Self-Promotion. Of course, the answer is rarely T.J. Maxx, so I can see how one might want to shy away from a response. Some other girl says that the reporters want to listen to her and what she has to say and that's "cool." Great. And your name is? Then there's a photo shoot. J.D. stands around looking like a robot that has been turned off. Weird. In a group shot, it looks like one of the guys is fondling Julia's ass.
Back at Pimp Central, it's time to get down to some business finally. First up is Kimberly Caldwell, wearing a dress the same color as her skin. She tells us she'll be singing "Come To My Window," by Melissa Etheridge. As she heads out to the stage, we get another clip show of Kimberly. She tells us she's been singing since she was five years old. Just like Jacob Underwood! And it all worked out so well for him, didn't it? She tells us she didn't blow a lot of money on clothes. She insists that everything she brought with her costs less than $20. Awww, that makes me like her just a little bit. But not much. She says she's a huge fan of Melissa Etheridge, and tells the camera that she hopes that Melissa likes it.
Kimberly heads out to the Crap Circle (bleaugh -- I'll think of something) and gives a quick greeting to the judges. The pianist starts playing, and I really can't listen to this without giggling. Granted, it's probably hard to adapt a song meant for guitar to the piano, but man, there's got to be a better rendition. It's all sort of Charlie Brown background music plink-plonking, and the result is that I'm visualizing Marcie declaring her love for Peppermint Patty while Kimberly is trying to sing here.
Kimberly essentially just talks the first verse. When she finally starts singing at the chorus, she's loud. She's not interestingly loud, either good or bad. She's just loud. She's not as off-key as I thought she would be based on her performances, but it's not particularly interesting. Some of her held notes are really bad. And loud. Oh, and there's a waterfall showing on a monitor in the background. It's as cheesy and stupid as you'd imagine. If the judges are going to whine about cheesy karaoke performances, you'd think they could put a little more effort into making the show look like something other than a cheesy karaoke bar. Kimberly peters out to a blah ending. People in Pimp Central cheer.
Judges. Randy tells Kimberly she did a good job, and he loves her voice. Paula compliments Kimberly's outfit, which should give you an idea of how ugly the dress and her necklace is. Paula liked the performance. Simon also loved her performance and thinks Kimberly did better than she did in the initial auditions.
Kimberly heads back to Pimp Central and high-fives various people and hams it up. Kim's mother and sister are hanging out on the swirl couch with Ryan. Kimberly's mom looks almost exactly like Kimberly, except twenty years older and with eyebrows that are tweezed even thinner. And she's as much of a natural blonde as Kimberly is, which explains why they've both tweezed so much. Ryan gives the vote blather, but there's a new twist, because customers of a certain [product-placed wireless phone service] can text message their votes in. It just so happens that I am, as of this week, a customer of said [product-placed wireless phone service] and I can tell you that the special vote system works. Of course, it also takes about ten minutes to cast a single vote, so you're better off just phoning it in. Oh, yeah, the phone lines? They aren't open yet. Some things don't change.
Commercials. How did I not know there was a new Charlie's Angels movie coming?
When we return, Ryan pimps the show's website, claiming for some unknown reason that he's doing it for Randy. Something to do with bitching about Simon's salary. Whatever. It's not like Randy's having any trouble making ends meet. Well, maybe the ends of his belt. Thanks and goodnight, everybody! Tip your waitress! up is Patrick Fortson, a slightly tubby guy in a bad black suit. Ryan holds up a tape cassette that apparently has a young Patrick pictured on the cover. It's titled "The Dream." Patrick's middle name is Dwayne, and he's apparently part three in a series of Patrick Fortsons. And even as a child, Patrick apparently had no sense of style. Patrick's dad (Patrick II: Revenge of the Fortsons) wrote the songs that Patrick III sang. Oh, Patrick's also wearing a white tie with black polka dots on it.
In Patrick's clip show, we finally get to find out who the hell he is. He auditioned in Nashville in another ugly suit. Simon didn't like him. He didn't like Patrick's look and he didn't like the way Patrick sounded. Obviously the other two disagreed, or else Patrick wouldn't be here. Unless of course he was actually one of the guys who made it in as an alternate because of the dozens of finalists (or whatever) that have allegedly been disqualified for various reasons.
I've just now noticed that the circle the kids are performing on has strange little grates all around the edges, and now I'm wondering why they're there. My mind wanders and I imagine that the circle is actually a seal of sort, designed to keep some sort of horrible fiend trapped within. And then my mind keeps wandering until I build a scenario in my head where the people responsible for this show are actually members of a dark cult (well, would you be surprised?) trying to open the seal. It turns out that a sequence of notes sung in the proper order will break the magic holding the seal shut, but the actual sequence has been lost to the ages. So they invite all these kids out to sing and hope they stumble across the right notes to unleash a great evil unto the world to swallow us all.
What? This is what happens when they put the show up against Buffy. I have to make my own fun. It would certainly be more interesting than the plots they're running this season, anyway.
So Patrick heads out to the Seal of Tsathoggua (okay, that one I'm keeping. I need a gimmick, too). His suit jacket is actually a full-length trench coat. Somehow he has managed to snatch "Unbreak My Heart" out of Julia's clutches. Well, he should give it back. His voice is really breathy and blah. It's not awful, but it could be much better. He's not very good at concealing when he takes a breath. There's just this big heaving sound between verses that makes him sound like he's about to collapse. That's not to say that he couldn't do just fine in the music industry as it stands. I mean, John Mayer sounds like he's in the middle of an asthma attack when he sings, and people can't stop buying his albums. Patrick gets clouds moving in high speed in the background.
Judges. Paula loves his outfit. That tells you everything. She says she's a big fan of Patrick's. Randy says he thinks Patrick's outfit is "better" (than what? Being driven mad and swallowed whole by an amorphous elder god? Well, of course), but he's still not gaga for Patrick. Which apparently means that he was never gaga for Patrick. So how did Patrick get here? Simon says he's "not being rude," but he thinks the outfit "sucks." No, that's not rude at all. Although it does indeed suck. He points out that he's the one signing up the "talent" and adds, "If this is what's in front of the record sleeve, then God help American Idol." Yeah, because an ugly tie is a real deal-breaker for the record-buying public. We've all heard the story of how Michael Sembello would have been the Bruce Springsteen if he hadn't insisted on wearing that ascot on his album cover. Simon adds that he thought the song choice was terrible; boys shouldn't sing girl songs because people might think they're gay and that would be bad. I'm just guessing there.
The judges start arguing about it, and then we see Patrick's dad get up in Pimp Central and head toward the room. Nobody makes a move to stop him. Ryan kind of even looks like he encouraged him. Daddy Patrick heads up onto the Seal. The kids in Pimp Central hoot and holler, pretending to support him, but knowing that Daddy just ruined Patrick III's chances. He introduces himself to the judges. Randy points out that Daddy's suit is nice, which it is. Daddy says that Patrick picked it out for him. Simon suggests that the two of them should have switched suits. Daddy insists that lots of people would find Patrick's outfit attractive. Simon disagrees. As do I. Maybe back around 1990, it could have worked. Daddy and Simon argue. Simon insists that he works for a record label and blah blah image is important blah blah. Then why on earth is he always so insulting to celebrities whose images are apparently making them lots of money -- like Christina and Britney et cetera? Eh, typical Simon stupidity. Eventually the bickering ends and the Patricks head off the stage. The Patricks would be a great name for a band.
Back in Pimp Central, Kimberly gives Patrick III a big hug (I'm on camera! Look at me! Look! I'm on camera! Look!), and the Patricks sit down with Ryan. He brings up the argument about appearances. Would Patrick change his look? No. What does Patrick think about Simon's comment about image? Patrick thinks that style is important, but he doesn't think somebody will reject an album based on what the person on the sleeve is wearing. Blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. Kristin Kreuk shows more emotion talking about Neutrogena products than she ever does in Smallville. Whoa. Neutrogena is in my Word dictionary. Freaky. Firestone. Chrysler. Miramax. Sony. Budweiser. Magnavox. They're all in there. I wonder if they have to pay Microsoft to get their words in the dictionary. Tsathoggua isn't in there, though. Screw Lovecraft! Lovecraft isn't in the dictionary either, apparently.
Oh, hi there! Welcome back. up is J.D. Adams and his presidential blood. Apparently, back when John Adams was president, he arranged the passage of a bill that required that his name be mentioned whenever any of his descendents is discussed. Ryan mentions that the judges told J.D. he was what this contest was all about. Does he feel pressure? Duh. He's so nervous that he hasn't washed the gel out of his hair since the Glendale auditions. Dude, that stuff isn't doing you any favors. I'm sure there are better ways to hide that thinness up at the top there.
In his clip show, J.D. and his R.J. Helton drag-queen eyebrows tell us he's related to two former presidents. Really? I hadn't heard. At the auditions, Simon tells J.D. that he's what this contest is all about. J.D. tells us that he feels pressure. Hey, where did I hear this all before? Why, just seconds ago. So, tell us, J.D., do you have any interesting ancestors? Do you feel any pressure? Do you have a personality, like, at all? Are those your real teeth? Do you have any idea how big they are?
J.D. heads out to the Seal of Tsathoggua wearing a black shirt with pinstripes, a black t-shirt underneath that, and black pants. He has chosen "All In Love Is Fair" to sing. And he's obviously off-pitch for much of the song. I think he's flat, but my ear isn't that good. He suffers from Nikki-itis. He sounds okay until he gets to a held note, and then it's just off. And there are a lot of held notes in this song. He gets a field of stars for a background. All in all, it's just blah. He pushes a little too hard on some notes. He's better than Patrick, but not by much.
Judges. Paula loves him and his look and his sound. Randy says he thought J.D. was a little "pitchy" at first (thank God somebody noticed), but thinks he recovered and did well. Simon thought it was merely "okay." He still thinks J.D. looks like an American Idol, but wasn't sure the performance was up to snuff.
J.D. heads back to Pimp Central and plops down to his parents. Fortunately, nobody feels the need to mention that one of them is an Adams descendent as well. They both also have very prominent overbites. How does J.D. feel about the blah comments? He feels blah blah blah stay positive blah snore. It's certainly a presidential response in its boringness. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
up is Trenyce, formerly known as Lashaundra. Or she would have been formerly known as Lashaundra if we had ever seen her before or knew who she was. In an interview, Trenyce tells us that her employers have been very supportive of her pursuit of American Idolness. They probably think she'll say their name on the air, but I'm sure the product-placement police ruled that right out. Then when she made the top thirty-two, they fired her, allegedly because they thought it meant that she was going on to be a star. Except replace "because they thought it meant that she was going on to be a star" with "couldn't convince anybody to cover for her shift for the couple of weeks."
Trenyce heads out to the Seal of Tsathoggua with a pretty tan blouse and jeans. The flower choker has to go, though. Who came up with those things? Who thought it was a good idea? Why? She sings "Love Sneaking Up On You" by Bonnie Raitt. Well, she doesn't have to worry about being accused of a copycat performance. Her vocal range and delivery is completely different from Raitt's. But not really in a bad way. She growls way too much, like every four words, but there are also a lot of good solid notes. Trenyce gets this vague, abstract background that doesn't even look like anything. It's just a dark orange screen with some lines of yellow light slowly moving across them. It's utterly harmless, and I didn't even notice it, so they should probably use it for all the contestants.
Judges. Randy notes Trenyce's name change and then admits that he couldn't remember her. But he thought she sang well tonight and had good energy. Simon says he thought the song choice stunk, but he liked Trenyce's voice. He's shoving the singers in boxes already. Boys can't sing girl songs, even if they're not gender-specific or anything. Pretty young black girls can't sing middle-aged white honky-tonk/blues blends, even if they can give the song their own spin. Hey, Simon, where are all those pop sensations you came over here to create? Yeah, that's what I thought. Shut up. You don't talk smack about Raitt. You've never produced anybody who even comes close. Anyway, Simon does like Trenyce's voice and points out that last season he couldn't remember who Kelly (Eeeeeee!) was during the semifinals, and look how that turned out. So maybe it's a good thing. Paula concludes that she loves Trenyce's performance as well.
Trenyce heads backstage and hugs her sister. Her sister's name is Tamika! But it's not that Tah-MEE-ka. That would have been absolutely hysterical, though. Especially if they didn't find out they were related until the semifinals. But never mind. Ryan asks what Tamika's advice was. She told Trenyce to be confident, relax, and have fun. And if Simon didn't like it, tell him to kiss her natural-born black ass. Blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. up is Meosha. Not Moesha. Although being confused with Brandy could probably only help her. ["For the record, MS Word's dictionary recognizes 'Moesha,' but not 'Meosha.'" -- Sars] Meosha is wearing a man's tweed hat. That's really all that's notable about her. She's also wearing another one of those awful flower chokers. She tells us in an interview that she gets emotional and their vocal coach picked up on it. We see a flashback of the vocal coach telling Meosha that she's singing as though she's walking on eggshells. Meosha is also a med student; she tells us that she hopes she makes it because she'd rather "lay down a vocal track than dissect a frog." I wonder how she'll feel when they get to the part of their medical studies where they dissect human beings?
She heads up to the Seal to sing "How Do I Live Without You." She's not good. She can't hold a note steady. She's not on pitch, ever. She's breathy. She's boring. She gets waves crashing as a background. Crashing, like her performance. Her held notes are just awful. Stick to med school, kid. Years of difficult study and malpractice insurance aside, you've probably got a better chance of success.
Judges. Paula diplomatically observes that she likes the "tone" of Meosha's voice, but she didn't think this was her "best performance." Having never heard her before, we can only hope not. Randy thought she was okay and wasn't moved. Simon decides he hasn't been nearly evil enough this evening; he tells Meosha that she "walked out here as a loser" and concludes that she gave a "so what?" performance. We cut back to Trenyce opening her mouth wide with shock. She checks to make sure the camera is on her as she reacts with disbelief. Paula says she thinks Meosha has a nice voice and waves over to Pimp Central and says they all think so, too. The kids all clap and cheer, knowing that they gave a better performance than at least one other person tonight. Simon points out that the kids in Pimp Central don't know anything and they don't really want Meosha to do well. Paula and Meosha blather on that they aren't in competition with anybody but themselves or whatever. You keep saying that when you're back making up your lab practicals.
Meosha heads back into Pimp Central and gets hugs from everybody. She sits down with her grandmother and her aunt. Ryan asks for Meosha's response to Simon. Meosha says that Simon called R.J. a loser, too, but America thought differently. Uh, no they didn't. R.J. lost his round and was selected for the wild card slot by, gasp, Simon, of all people. But nice try. Although he did end up outlasting Christina and E-Jay in the finals. Blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
up is Bettis. Ryan asks Bettis what he's worried most about. Bettis doesn't want to burp, fart, or trip. Yes, we wouldn't want to accidentally entertain anybody. He should have been more worried about that insanely hideous shirt he's got on. I don't even know how to describe it. It's black on the front, and mint green on the back and on one sleeve, with some black patterns on the green. It's hideous. It wouldn't even make nice curtains.
In his interview, Bettis tells us he's a singer and choreographer. They show him dancing through his auditions. He said he was confident in the auditions, but lost some in Los Angeles because he's never worked with a vocal coach before. Oh, that's a good sign. It's like an accountant telling you he's never had to work with the I.R.S. before.
Bettis heads out to the Seal of Tsathoggua to sing "Thank You" from Boys II Men. Singing a group song as a solo? That's so not going to work. And it doesn't. And Schroeder on the piano isn't helping matters. The dancing is awkward. The singing is awful. I can't even find the melody. He rushes through the chorus, probably doing us a favor. There's a wayward "woooo!" tossed in among the lyrics. Unspeakably hideous. Prolonged exposure to this performance may cause brain damage. Tsathoggua's got a new servitor if he ever gets out of his prison. Bettis gets abstract purple patterns flitting around on the monitor. I think it's trying to hypnotize us. Maybe Bettis is getting close to the secret chord. The singing does sound nearly inhuman.
Judges. Randy says he didn't enjoy the performance and thought Bettis was terribly out of tune. He says he couldn't wait for it to be over. Bettis responds with a "Wow!" of surprise. Paula is forced to actually give bad news, and it practically has to be dragged from her. She says she had been rooting for him, but it just wasn't the right song choice. Simon simply says, "Bettis, I think you blew it. Big time."
Bettis heads back to Pimp Central, and Kim (look at me! Look! Here I am!) and Trenyce rush over to hug him. Bettis sits down with his sister along with Ryan. Sis says Simon can kiss her ass and insists that Bettis didn't blow it. But she's crying, because he totally did. He blew it. Actually, he just blew. Sis blathers on about how they all made it here and obviously they liked something about him to get him to his point and blah blah blah, she obviously doesn't recall Jamar or Khaleef at all. Bettis says, "Whether it's here or not, we're all going to make it somewhere." That's the worst Successories quote ever. "We're all going to make it somewhere." It just rolls around on your tongue, then sinks down into the pit of your stomach as you realize that "the mail room" counts as "somewhere." Damn you, Servitor of Tsathoggua! How easily you have filled us all with fear and dread! Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. I really, really don't want to hear how this one girl had to teach this other girl how to use a tampon. Can't they go back to walking on the beach and talking in code?
up is Charles Grigsby, who is dressed in an outfit made out of patches of denim. It's adorable -- when you're ten. When you're an adult, it's a little bit too D.J. Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince; Will Smith has moved on to have a Very Serious Film Career and so should the rest of us. Move on, I mean. The whole film career thing is up to you. In his clips, Charles tells us he thought he blew it because Simon didn't like him in the auditions, but obviously the others did. He says his style is "neo-soul with a little hip-hop flavor." I think he probably actually said "flava," but I like to pretend that he didn't.
Charles heads to the Seal of Tsathoggua to sing "Overjoyed." The first time I watched this I was completely distracted by the background graphic, which looked at first like an extreme close-up of a handmade doll's face, with a painted-on black eye and yarn hair. It seriously gave me the creeps. After a few seconds, it becomes obvious that it's just more abstract patterns with circles and musical notes, but it looked like a creepy doll head at first. I swear!
Charles sings pretty well. He's a little breathy, like Patrick, but he's got a better sense of pitch and his voice is just more pleasant to listen to. He kind of reminds me a little of R.J. -- a little more personality, but a little less technical proficiency. He seems a little nervous, and his stage presence consists of pointing and tilting his head. But still, not bad.
Judges. Randy points out that Charles picked out a tough song to sing, which he did. I don't know much about singing, but that song has some unusual runs in it. He liked Charles's voice. Paula tells Charles that he has a smooth, velvet voice, but he needs to work on projecting. Charles has finally won over Simon, it seems. Simon agrees with the others that Charles sang very well and adds that some of the singers tonight have been "a real disappointment." Bettis seethes inside and wonders if his dark master will let him torture Simon before it eats him. He also wonders if perhaps Prince's "Diamond and Pearls" might open the seal if he gets called back for the wild card round.
Charles heads back to Pimp Central. He hugs his mom and his sis before plopping down on the swirl couch. Mom is crying and tells Ryan that she's so proud of her little Charles. Sis, who is also crying, says all those years of having to listen to him sing is going to finally pay off. I'm sure she's hoping he'll buy her a house someday. I'm just assuming that if I ever get rich, I probably owe my sister a house. And the reverse is also true. I mean, singing was the least of our sins against each other. Blah blah blah text-message-cakes. Nospace! Ryan, just because they aren't supposed to put any spaces in their text message votes doesn't mean you aren't supposed to put any spaces when you say, "No space."
Oh, [product-placed cola] moment, how I have not missed you at all. The kids all sing a song written by Patrick into a bunch of [product-placed cola] bottles. I hope he got paid for that. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Actually, those agreements they had to sign probably not only deny Patrick any payment, they probably also require that he pay them the cost of producing the segment.
Commercials. I think they showed the entire season of 24 during this break.
We return for our final performer this evening, Julia DeMato and her dinners (tm Keckler's grandmother). She's wearing an orange sleeveless blouse, and either she's not wearing a bra, or the bra she's wearing doesn't fit properly. She's not super-endowed or anything. They're just normal boobs. But they're kind of flailing around under there and drawing a little too much attention to themselves. I mean, it takes a lot for me to notice boobs, so there's got to be something going on here.
Ryan sits Julia down to him so they can try to milk that "rivalry" between Julia and Kimberly some more. Are they okay? Julia and Kimberly (look at me! Me! Look!) insist that things are fine and that there's no more drama. Except in their fevered dreams and deepest longings. In a clip show, Julia tells us she's a hairdresser and hopes to be a recording artist. They also spell her last name "DaMato" on the captions, but I've seen it "DeMato" everywhere else. Unlike Kimberly, Julia blew tons of cash on new clothes for the competition. Considering that her outfit doesn't look any better than Kimberly's, who's the winner in this battle? ["Hot Topic?" -- Sars] Julia tells us that we might be looking at the American Idol.
Julia hits the Seal of Tsathoggua to sing "Son Of A Preacher Man." Julia has a really good, solid voice, but she has no soul or spirit or whatever it is that makes this song work. You need this sort of combination of sensuousness and innocence, and Julia has neither. The vote captions again insist that her name is DaMato. I double-checked with the web site, which insists that it's DeMato. Or Demato, actually. Can we get a fact-checker at FOX or something? I know it probably goes against their mission statement, but come on. Julia gets harmless blue abstract images on the monitor. Man, the initial performers totally got hosed on the cheesy backgrounds. Anyway, Julia's got a good voice and no soul. And she's got a stupid black neck flower.
Judges. Paula says that Julia looks "vibrant" and loves Julia's voice. Randy says he liked it, but it didn't wow him. Simon snarks in an utter non-sequitur that this contest has proven that the girls are much bitchier than the guys. What? I guess that's supposed to be some jab at "irony" following Randy's comments, but Randy wasn't particularly…oh, never mind. Simon asks if Julia and Kimberly have "made up." We already established that back in Pimp Central. Simon was probably staring off into space, imagining having sex with strippers when all that was going on. He says that Julia sang better in the auditions, but he still thinks she's one of the better singers and hopes she gets to the round. He urges her to go give Kimberly a hug. Would you like them to kiss, too, Simon? Something else for you to fantasize about during those times when you totally space out?
Julia heads into Pimp Central to hug her high-strung sister and her parents. Her mom…hee! Her mom is wearing a burgundy velour tracksuit and matching newsboy cap. I just don't know what to say. It's a total Sopranos moment. Who else would ever dress like this on television? Sis has her hair pulled back severely and looks like she's ready to snap at any moment. Ryan brings up the damned "fight" again and asks Sis if things are fine. Yes, they're fine. No thanks to Sis, I'm sure. Ryan gives us the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
And after another clip show of all the contestants, Ryan thanks Schroeder on the piano (his name is actually Michael, but I'm calling him Schroeder), the judges, the families, and the contestants. Oh, and we mustn't forget [product-placed, unfrozen caveman fame-whore], who just happens to have stopped by. He lurches onto the set, confused by all the bright lights and strange sounds. Ryan asks him to tell him which woman he actually chose on his own little show (airing every ten minutes on FOX). [Product-placed, unfrozen caveman fame-whore] lurches over to Ryan and whispers something in his ear ("Grrraaarrrggh!"). Ryan jokes that [product-placed, unfrozen caveman fame-whore] picked Simon Cowell. We cut over to Simon, who's not paying attention, lost in fantasies of Kimberly and Julia having sex. Anybody else to pimp? Is Spawn of Kiefer going to run through, chased by a mountain lion? A little shirtless Peter Facinelli? No? Are we done then? Okay.
Wednesday. Melodramatic Announcer melodramatically announces that our eight singers "gave the performances of their lives." Gee, I guess it's all downhill from here. And I'm beginning to think that maybe that is the same Melodramatic Announcer from last year. Anyway, we pan past the kids standing on the Seal of Tsathoggua as Melodramatic Announcer tells us that two will move on to the final ten tonight.
Credits. Ryan greets us from the Seal and reminds us that we're live and blah blah blah. I don't get to watch this show live anymore. Oh, the disadvantages of living on the West Coast. The kids hang out on blue sofa-benches on one side of the Seal. The judges are on the other, same as last year. Ryan reintroduces the judges. Something awful happened to Paula between the taping of Tuesday's show and tonight. She looks just haggard. Maybe her head rejected the brain transplant and they had to take it out? Is this what happens when the Botox wears off? She looks like a man in drag. Randy "dawgs" his greetings.
So the kids are waiting for the results, and since we haven't given up the possibility of there being a fight yet, they've brought back the families, who are hanging in Pimp Central. They wave to the camera. Ryan tells us that eight million votes were cast. Actually, he says that eight million people voted, and we know that's not true. Shut up, Ryan.
Clip show of last night's performances. They play up the "rivalry" between Kimberly and Julia again. Nobody cares. The only emotion the whole (alleged) catfight can elicit from me is a heaping helping of ennui. Charles's family cries because the judges loved him. Simon calls Meosha a loser. He tells Bettis he blew it. His sister cries and insists that he didn't. Patrick II comes out and defends Patrick III's ugly suit. Simon doesn't care. Nobody cares.
Back onstage, we're still stuck with fifteen minutes to fill before we can read any names. Ryan tells us that J.D. had a viewing party at his parents' house. "House"? What, no sprawling presidential estate with a name from the Renaissance? Oh and there were lots of cameras, too. As we see the kids hanging out at J.D.'s, Ryan tells us that the kids were "live" last night from coast to coast. Yes, they're watching themselves performing live on television. God, this show is so stupid sometimes. The kids watch themselves sing. J.D. mouths along with himself. Back onstage, Ryan snarks at them for not inviting him. I'm sure they probably did, but Ryan spent two hours in the bathroom trying to get his hair right (and doing lines), and by then it was all over.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan compares the pressure the kids are under to what it might feel like to have Randy sitting on you. Ryan, will you please keep your personal life off the show? Nobody cares. They've decided to adapt the format used in the final rounds last year for the semifinals, except it's reversed. Ryan's going to go through and read the judges' comments for each kid, and then say whether that kid is one of the top three vying for the two chairs. I don't think they had planned for this to be as wonderfully cruel as it is, but it works out that way. Last year, when they dragged it out and announced the finalists while they were still on the couches, it allowed each of the semifinalists to have some sort of hope that they could make it. But no, they're going to go through and just outright tell five kids they didn't make it and then force them to sit up there all the way through to the end of the show. Deliciously cruel. Trenyce is first. The judges loved her, but she didn't get enough votes. She's not in the top three. Boo! Patrick sucked and he didn't make it to the final three. Yay! Julia got vaguely good comments, but she also got a lot of votes. She's in the top three. Meh. Bettis was awful, awful, awful, and isn't in the final three. Kimberly got great comments and is also in the final three. With Julia! Kimberly gets up and hugs every single person on the sofa (look at me! Look! Look at me! Me!) before heading over to the stools so that she and Julia can glare at each other when the camera's not on them. Meosha sucked and nobody cared. She's not in the final three. That leaves either Charles or J.D. as the last contestant with a chance to make it to the finals. But of course, a commercial break first.
When we return, Ryan sits over by Kimberly and Julia, who pretend that they don't hate each other's guts. Ryan reminds us that only two people will make it on to the round. They both insist to Ryan that they're not thinking about themselves -- they're thinking about their friends on the couches that they're going to miss. I'm sure Simon has joined me in the eye-rolling at that comment. Ryan reminds the losers that they could be back for the wild card slot. But now it's time to reveal the third potential finalist. J.D.'s shirt is open halfway down the front, revealing a skinny, smooth chicken chest. Anyway, the public has voted Charles in as the third potential finalist. Kim runs over from the stools at the back of the stage to come give Charles a hug (look at me! Look! I'm Kim! Look! Look at me! Me!). Charles joins the two women on the stools.
Ryan says they polled the judges after taping Tuesday's show to find out which two they thought would get the vote. Randy and Paula both thought the public would choose Kimberly and Patrick. Patrick? Patrick? That doesn't make much sense, other than to feed into my theory of these people all being part of a dark cult. Simon thinks it will be Kimberly and J.D. Ryan asks them all their comments about the three that were selected. Randy says they didn't pick who he thought they'd pick, but these three were all good. Paula says that their votes were well-deserved. Simon says he thinks Kimberly sang the best out of the three (oh, hi there, Foreshadowing!), and adds that all he feels that all the performers are capable of doing better. He says he watched last night's show and thought the performances were "dismal." Ryan asks Simon which contestants have a chance at the wild card. Simon hyperbolizes that none of them do. Yeah, whatever. J.D. and (spoiler!) Kimberly will be back for reconsideration. Simon blathers about the bar being raised and that they're looking for originality. Simon's looking for originality like I'm looking for a Hooters. In the sense of "Not!" Simon insists that if the performances week are this bad, "there will be fireworks." Probably as a cheesy background graphic for one of the singers.
Finally it's time to reveal the winner of one of the slots in the finals. Will it be Kimberly, Julia, or Charles? The first chair goes to Charles. So, of course, we can have that drama of Kimberly and Julia vying for the second seat. Charles looks shocked. He's dressed like a ten-year-old again. Kimberly hoots and hugs him (look! I'm Kimberly! Look at me! Look!) as he recovers from his surprise. Julia gets up and hugs him briefly. Kimberly refuses to let go, perhaps thinking that he'll have to drag her along with him to the finals. Ryan brings Charles onto the Seal of Tsathoggua to sing "Overjoyed" again. The Seal still doesn't open. But who will get that second spot -- Julia or Kimberly? We can still milk this rivalry a little longer, so let's go to commercials first.
Before commercials, they reveal week's performers: Candice Coleman, Jacob Smalley, Jennifer Fuentes, Hadas, Clay Aiken, Kimberly Locke, Rebecca Bond, and Ruben Studdard. They put Candice, Clay, Kimberly, and Ruben in the same group? Bastards. They could have put one of them in this round and knocked out both Kimberly and Julia. Bleah.
When we return from commercials, Charles still doesn't know what to say. Now it's time to find which side America chose in the Kimberly-Julia war. Before revealing the winner, Ryan asks the judges if they all still think Kimberly will win. They do. Well they're all wrong. It's Julia. Great going, judges. You've got your finger on the pulse of America about as much as, well, The Pulse does. Kimberly gives Julia a big hug, all the better to pluck out a hair for her Julia voodoo doll. Julia can't wait to shrug this loser off and go grab the mike and sing some more and get the spotlight. Julia sings "Son Of A Preacher Man" again. In the back of the stage, Kimberly cries -- no doubt with joy at Julia's success -- as Ryan whispers something in her ear. ("If you had actually kissed Julia, we would have arranged it so that you both made it to the finals.")
In the end, it looks like they have more time to kill, so they drag Kimberly back on the seal to sing "Come To My Window" again. Kimberly's game, of course, because she gets to be on the teevee some more. Schroeder kicks it up, Peanuts-style, and Kimberly starts singing again. Eventually she makes all the other kids come up and sing with her, and they do, and they're awful. But it makes her look nice and not at all bitchy or anything. So look at Kimberly! Look! There she is! Look! It's Kimberly! Kimberly! Look!