American Idol S02E02

This special half-hour of padding opens with a flashback of Kelly Clarkson (Eeeeeeee!) winning last season's competition, and all the cheering, screaming, "Eeeeeee"-ing, et cetera. An announcer tells us -- Hey! -- this is not our Melodramatic Announcer from last year! Whatever happened to him? I miss those openings from him, where he made it sound like the contestants' very lives were at stake. This new guy tries to be melodramatic, but you can tell his heart isn't really in it. He's the Mellowdramatic Announcer.

The Mellowdramatic Announcer declares that "everyone knows that Kelly Clarkson has gone on to a life of fame and fortune." We do? Can you actually call it a life of fame and fortune when she's never seen in public anymore and we've all heard how awful the contract she had to sign was? Well, she did have that one hit single. Even if it sucked. Anyway, Mellowdramatic Announcer asks what happened to the other finalists of the show, as we see shots of all the others. In the half hour, we'll find out what they've been up to. Except for Jim and E-Jay. We don't get any reason why there aren't any mini-profiles of them, and the half hour is all padding, so there's no reason why they couldn't spare a few seconds to fill us in. I really would like to know when E-Jay finally went off the fashion deep end.

We get a montage of clips of the kids telling us how their lives have changed. We cut to a clip show of American Idol on Tour. Mellowdramatic Announcer tells us the kids went on a tour. Yeah, we got that already. He continues that the tour brought many of the kids back to their hometowns, and we get clips of various finalists greeting their hometown fans. Justin tells us they performed in about thirty cities in forty days. And they got a shiny quarter for each performance! I'm just speculating here. Nikki tells us all about the huge crowds. Of course, everybody watching the show is distracted by the huge sore on Nikki's lip. They couldn't wait until it healed? I bet they threw this whole thing together last week. Ryan tells the camera that they all lived in cramped quarters on the tour. Jim tells a reporter for some FOX affiliate in an interview the same thing. I believe that's about all we're going to get from Jim. Ryan and Tamyra tell us how sad it was when they sang the last song at their last tour stop, because they wouldn't be performing together anymore. That is sad, except for me spitting out "Thank God!" at the television.

, we catch up with what Tamyra's up to. She tells us she's working with Babyface on a new album. She tells us all that singing is her dream. Really? We had no idea until now. She heads back to Atlanta and is crowned their local idol. They replay Tamyra getting voted off. Unsurprisingly, she's still not upset about it. And all that singing paid off. With an acting gig. Yes, that makes perfect sense. Tamyra was offered a role on Boston Public. We see a clip of her acting on the set with some guy. She tells the guy that some play wasn't as important to her as he is. Then they hug. I'm assuming that this guy is the teacher that her character is sleeping with, because that's how it goes with that show.

up is A.J., and oh my. We see him dancing on stage during the tour, and he moves like Jim Carrey mimicking a seizure. Mellowdramatic Announcer tells us that A.J.'s "sexy voice and moves" got him into the finals, and after we all stop laughing, he adds that it also got A.J. on some list of "the twenty-five most beautiful people in the Northwest." Yeah, I believe he was ranked 23rd. He was edged out of the 22nd spot by Bill Gates. He tells us all that people have been coming up to him and saying, "Oh my God! A.J.! Oh my God!" He fails to add what they said after that: "Please don't suck my blood!" He insists to us that there are three labels fighting over him to sign with them. He blathers on about getting support from friends and families. And from the First Evil.

up is Ryan Starr. She tells us she's been approached for acting gigs. She says she doesn't know why. Did these guys say what sort of "acting" they were suggesting? Did you meet them at a party? I think I have some ideas as to why they approached her for an "acting gig." And if I weren't quite sure, the camera cuts to a shot of Ryan at some event, looking over her shoulder and waving her ass at the camera. Ryan is actually recording music and learning to play the guitar. She says she wants to create a "new sound of music." She doesn't mean the musical. Could you imagine her as Maria Von Trapp? She says she doesn't want to sing sappy love songs, because she's never been in love. Well, at least she learned that lesson about picking songs that were right for her personality. Then we get a clip show of Ryan's trampy shredwear. She tells us she's always aspired to be a designer. She says that "people" are pursuing her to start a line of clothing. It's probably a last-ditch effort by K-Mart to bring in some young consumers before the store disappears entirely from the face of the earth within the two years. She tells us that her family didn't originally support her singing career, but when they saw the show's ratings -- er, "when they saw Ryan perform" -- dollar signs ka-chinged in their eyes. Er, "they came around and started supporting Ryan."

Commercials. up is Christina Christian. She goes on Regis andBernadette Peters? Was that her? Anyway, she tells him she's gotten offers but can't give any details. Rumor has it she's been signed by RCA, I believe. Christina is also a "correspondent" for the TV Guide channel. That's the channel on cable that has the scrolling listings. So she's occasionally in that tiny box on the top of the screen talking about stuff. That's so sad. She has nice hair, though. Very Halle Berry.

up is R.J. Actually, up is that goddamned tiresome, played, beaten to death, annoying, stupid -- did I already say "tiresome"? -- fight between Simon and Randy. A FOX correspondent asks R.J. what he really thinks about Simon. R.J. responds, "No comment." Everybody laughs, because we all know R.J. hates Simon. He tells us all about all the support he's gotten. Especially tech support. They've programmed a bunch of new dance moves so he's not so clunky onstage. R.J. sings the national anthem at what appears to be a women's soccer game. Wow, he's really made it, hasn't he? Now I'm going to get angry emails from women's soccer fans. I hope my inbox can handle all five of them.

Then they transition to a discussion of all those Old Navy ads where R.J. stood around and looked pretty. They show the commercials for those of us who spent the holidays in a coma. Tamyra tells us that even her friends got sick of the commercials. Seriously, they were so bad. They didn't even make any sense. Not that Old Navy ads ever do. Remember when that used to make them charming? That's certainly over. Ryan tells how they all got to fly around in a plane to go shoot the ads. I am so fascinated right now. They flew in a plane! They stayed in a hotel! What lavish lives they live!

up is Nikki McKibbin, who I've heard was also signed by RCA, but the show treats her as though she was a big bomb and went back to Texas to run her karaoke bar. Well, I'm sure she did go back and do some of that, but clearly, that's not all she's doing. She takes us on a tour of Rack Daddy's. She says, "I'm swimming. As fast and as hard as I can, I'm swimming." They're totally trying to make Nikki look like she's failing. She's being punished for beating out Tamyra. And they way they're shooting, they absolutely could have shot her interviews from the other side of her face so her sore wasn't as noticeable. They give some lip service to the fact that Nikki's still pursuing a career. She says she wants the process to "take as long as it needs to take to make a good album." I hope that means she's taking some singing lessons in the meantime. I mean, I liked Nikki, but I'm not going to pretend that she could sing as well as any of the other female finalists.

Commercials. We return to our top two, Justin and Kelly. Mellowdramatic Announcer eggs on those Jelly people (people who think Kelly and Justin are a couple) by playing up Justin's responses to Kelly when she won the competition last year. He tells us that you don't lose on the show. He says you might not win, but you don't lose. Unless you're E-Jay or Jim and the show tries to pretend you weren't even really there. They show Justin singing "Desperado" on the tour. Or that reunion show they had in Las Vegas. Whichever. He tells us all that he's "lived more things in the past year than most people have in their life." By way of example: the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. That's the big example? Thousands of high-schoolers in marching band have had that experience. Big whoop. I myself was in one of Disney's Christmas parades when I was in school, pretending to play a baritone. Yes, even the bands lip-sync. Sort of. You know what I mean. He sits on a float singing "Get Here" (for the three hundred and forty-eighth time) while some truly sad people dance around him dressed like street signs. Whenever I watch the parade, I always feel awful for those folks walking around the floats. They have to wear such stupid things.

But enough about that -- let's plug the movie! We cut to the set of From Justin to Kelly, that movie musical that has been slapped together in less than six months, so you just know it's gonna be great. They're filming in Miami, and we see various extras dancing around a pool. Justin explains the movie's plot, which sounds like Grease, but without the makeover at the end. We see a shot of Kelly (Eeeeeee!) and she looks, like, thirty years old. What have these people done to her? She looks so tired. And the streaks aren't working when she's got her hair straightened and cut shorter the way she does. But she seems like she's smiling and having fun. We get a bunch of shots of the two of them working on the film. There's not really much to describe. Justin tells us that he always wanted something like this. And now it's happening.

Commercials. We return for a look at what Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) has been up to. They show her appearances on The Tonight Show. Mellowdramatic Announcer declares that an appearance on the show is a sign that you've made it to the top. Might I point out that Brian Dunkleman also appeared on the show? We can see how that turned out for him. Kelly tells us she was exhausted, but Jay Leno made her comfortable. And Jimmy Fallon was there, too, and Jimmy had a massive crush on her. They show Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) at the reunion concert in Vegas, where she got to sing a duet with her idol, Reba McEntire. Let's all cross our fingers that Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) is a better actor than Reba is. Then they show Kelly performing a "duet" on MadTV with Debra Wilson as Whitney Houston. It's not very funny. Then they show that awful video for "A Moment Like This," that awful single they released, which made it to the top of the charts in the fall even though it was awful. The single had the largest gain on the charts ever, jumping from fifty-two to one in a single week. It was still awful. And I still hear it on one of the local stations here. Awful. Mellowdramatic Announcer tells us that her fame didn't really sink in until she returned home. Well, that big fur coat she's wearing says otherwise, I'm afraid. Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) returns home, where the mayor of Burleson declares "Kelly Clarkson Day." She blathers on about signing autographs and about how her friends still make her take out the trash. Mellowdramatic Announcer declares that her "girl--door attitude" helped her win the hearts of America. I think her singing may have had something to do with that, too, though there's no mention of that album that was, you know, the reason the kids were in this competition in the first place. But look! More clips from the movie! Oh wait, they mention the album. The album and the movie are both set for a spring release. Of this year? Wow, my entire body just cringed. Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) tells us that this is fun, but if it all went away tomorrow, she'd just move on, without regrets. Gee, it's almost like she's got a crystal ball.