Nonsense and Peppermints

Tuesday. Melodramatic Announcer: "Last week on American Idol, two dreams came to a sudden stop." Just give it up. EJay and Jim are probably going to show up at the auditions for the music-reality show, like that awful new version of the Monkees they're planning, or whatever, so just quit it. Tonight, the remaining eight will sing, and tomorrow, one more contestant will be eliminated.

Credits. Black and Decker head out to The Octagon of Judgment in suits that would look pretty good if they actually fit properly. They repeat everything Melodramatic Announcer just said. Tonight's theme is "The '60s." They bring the kids out and the audience shrieks and cheers. Justin and R.J. are wearing the same shirt. Kelly is dressed like a woman wearing men's clothes, yet still reminding us that she's a woman. Somebody holds up a sign that reads, "We're lustin' for Justin!"

As the kids file back off, Black and Decker introduce the judges. Randy "Like A Rolling Stone" Jackson, gives one of his typical greetings and calls the audience "wild." Directly behind Randy is a group of people wearing really crappy home-made t-shirts begging us to vote for R.J. They are all uniformly pale and blond and look as though they're made entirely out of Wonder Bread. Creepy. Paula "Mrs. Robinson" Abdul looks like she's raided Tamyra's closet in attempt to look younger, wearing a lacy black blouse with giant sleeves. Before introducing Simon "War" Cowell, Black and Decker make a dumb crack about "absence making the heart grow fonder" regarding last week's results show, and a guy in the audience yells out, "Shut up!" Whoever you were, will you marry me? Simon, who surprises us all by wearing a pale blue tee rather than his usual black or white, gets an even mix of applause and boos this time. Brian asks him, "Simon, I like that shirt. Did you get it for Easter?" Did you steal that jacket from your dad's closet, you moron? Brian laughs at his own shitty, nonsensical joke. I hate people who do that. Some audience members actually boo Brian. Good for them. Simon doesn't respond and simply pretends that Brian doesn't exist.

Before we get to the singing and egos and all, Black and Decker tell us that the kids decided that they just aren't wholesome enough and spent a day last weekend helping Habitat for Humanity build a home for needy people. We get a clip show of the kids arriving at the building site in their [product-placed] cars. So help me god, Ryan is wearing a belly shirt to go help build a house. The editors take their cue from Bunim-Murray and have R.J. explain to us in an interview what Black and Decker have already said twice. And then Black and Decker repeat it again. They're building a house for charity. They're building a house for charity. For this charity, they are building a house. Charity. House. Charity. House. The house is for Elsa and Demitrius Soltzer. A.J. tells the camera, "Today isn't about us; it's about them," which is why there aren't any cameras there, and why they're not going to be showing clips from this volunteer work all night long so the kids can all pat themselves on the back for not patting themselves on the back for doing charity work. Kelly jokes that it's fun because she gets to "beat things." Elsa says that it feels good to have a home. She hugs Tamyra and Christina. Tamyra says that "it's a beautiful" thing to know that she helped this couple's dream come true. Justin (Eeeeeeee!) autographs something. It ends with a group shot of the kids, the family, and a thousand other volunteers and/or production assistants shouting, "Habitat for Humanity!"

Now that they've successfully given me diabetes, it's time to begin the actual performances. First up tonight is R.J. "Sunshine Superman" Helton. All the clip shows tonight feature the contestants doing more volunteer construction work. R.J. says that he's done volunteer work for Habitat for Humanity back home, and describes it as "therapeutic and so spiritual." Spiritual? You're building a house. You know, actually, I had a spiritual event helping somebody with some construction work. I swear I saw the face of Jesus. This was right before I passed out from the heat. R.J. is like an android that's been programmed to be the most inoffensive person in all of creation. His facial expressions range only from "happy" to "totally blank." I don't think he's capable of frowning. His eyes are bright, but completely empty, so as to make it clear that he's not even thinking anything wrong. It's simply not possible to be offended or angry at R.J. You might as well get angry at a bunny.

R.J. seems like he has recovered from his fall last week as he heads out to The Octagon to sing "Under The Boardwalk." Or perhaps they just disconnected his pain receptors in that area. He's wearing a brown lace-up shirt and a pair of jeans. He has, unfortunately, returned to his ski-dancing. Of course, since that just uses his legs, it's probably easier on his back. His singing is the way his singing always is: unthreateningly nice. He emphasizes words like "carousel," and adds some bizarre punch to the lyrics about "hot dogs and French fries." It's like he wants to reassure people that he's not doing anything "immoral" while he's on that blanket with his baby. They're just eating and looking at the waves and talking about the sock hop. He throws some snowboarding in at the end to add some "dance" variety. They've gotten rid of those awful screensavers, showing a live feed of the performances on all the monitors instead.

The Wonder Bread people shriek and cheer for R.J. and give him a standing ovation. Some of them are identified as R.J.'s family. Yay! Captions! Judges: Randy blathers on about how R.J. "made it [his] own" and says that it was a tough song to sing. Oh, please. He brings up the fan shirts and the whole damned thing about the two of them having the same initials. Zip it. Paula says that R.J. has an "amazing recording voice" and she can't wait to hear records that R.J. puts out. She still believes that R.J. looks "comfortable" on the stage. Simon says that he thinks R.J. is good, but believes that he's not in the same league as some of the better performers in the competition. The audience boos. Two people are holding up impromptu "signs" written with a pen on a piece of paper. The idiot on the right is holding his "Simon Sucks" sign upside-down. Brilliant.

R.J. heads up to join Black and Decker, who remind us not to call until after the show. I want to know who on this show thinks they need to say that before and after each and every performance. Can we just stop it? Twice during the show is enough. After soliciting more cheers for R.J. The Singing Robot, they send us off to commercials. As the bumper to the commercial break, we see the other kids hanging out in Pimp Central. The "Simon" cut-out from last week has survived, and Justin (Eeeeeee!) has put a wig similar to his wild 'fro on it, and is pretending to have a wacky conversation with him. That inspires another thirty reps of eye-rolling.

When we return, not only do they remind us again that the phone lines aren't open, they have captions at the bottom of the screen to remind us that the lines aren't open. They really, firmly believe in that saying about overestimating the intelligence of the audience. up is Tamyra "I'm A Believer" Gray. Back at The House That Pop Built, Tamyra says the volunteer work lets them "hammer out" the stress from the competition. They have to immediately illustrate that by showing Tamyra hammering stuff because we're all stupid. She says the appreciation they saw on Demitrius and Elsa's faces made it all worthwhile.

Tamyra heads out to The Octagon to sing Ike and Tina Turner's "A Fool In Love." She's wearing a funky, frilly, fuchsia and black ensemble that doesn't show off her torso for once. She starts off a little bit flat, but the minute the back-up singers kick in, she's back on track. She starts rocking out, Tina-style, and even does the whole grab-and-tilt trick with the microphone stand. This is an unusual song choice, because it relies so heavily on the back-up singers. The back-ups sing the actual chorus, and Tamyra sort of "reacts" musically to the lyrics with "heyyyy"s and "whooooo"s. It would play a lot better if they had actual back-up singers out there, and not phantom voices coming out of speakers. Stupid show. At least they made arrangements to get the song lyrics out to the closed captioning people this time. Anyway, Tamyra's full of sass, 'tude, and confidence.

A large chunk of the audience gives Tamyra a cheering, standing ovation. Randy "Tamyra, Tamyra, Tamyra"s his full endorsement of her performance, praising every single thing about her. Paula tells Tamyra that she oozes "je ne sais quoi." She gives her another "touchdown" gesture, but at least stays seated this time. That French phrase, by the way, means "something that can't be adequately described." I certainly feel that way trying to recap Tamyra's performances, but I don't think that's what Paula actually meant to say. How does somebody ooze indescribability? Simon mocks Paula's cheerleaderness again, then explains that the reason he told R.J. he wasn't good enough is exactly because of performances like Tamyra's: "This competition is about finding a star. You are a star." The audience roars its approval.

Tamyra heads over to Black and Decker. They bring up Paula's touchdown comment and ask Tamyra if she has a "touchdown dance." She obliges with a goofy butter-churn-like dance that causes all her metal jewelry to jangle. Blah blah blah votecakes. Black and Decker pull this unfunny bit where Ryan wants to throw it to a commercial, but Brian refuses and wants to go to the contestant, and there's nothing the show can do because it's live. Is there a control panel in front of you two twits? No. So they don't need your permission to cut away to commercials. It would only make you look stupid. "More stupid," rather.

Anyway, Brian "wins" and they move on to Nikki "You Don't Own Me" McKibbin. Hey, Nikki has a little boy! You know that li'l moppet is going to be making an appearance in every clip show Nikki has left until she gets booted. She lifts and carries stuff around The House That Pop Built, and ties the experience to her widdle Tristen by claiming that this will help her learn to build tree houses and stuff for him. Well, she's never going to land herself a man if she goes around learning to do stuff on her own like that. Sorry -- thought I'd inject a little Kristin into the proceedings.

Nikki heads out to The Octagon to take on Janis Joplin's "Piece Of My Heart." She's wearing a ripped-up black tank top, gray pants, and a mustard wrap over that, along with the requisite "punk" black choker. A black feather duster appears to be attached to her right forearm. Nikki is very, very flat. Rock is a lot more than a look and a growl, hon. She's really just not selling it. There's something missing from her performance, and I can't quite put my finger on it, other than the fact that she's just not a strong enough singer. Actually, I think she's just not angry or edgy enough. When she's finished, she flashes the crowd a smile to rival R.J.'s, and that's an illustration right there. She's just playing a role without really feeling it.

But it's still better than last week's performance, and the audience gives her a lot of cheers as she heads up to the judges. Randy "Nikki, Nikki, Nikki"s his approval that she has given up on the idea that she can be anything other than their "wild child." But he's still not sure it was her best performance. Paula tells Nikki that her song choice was much better than last week's, and gives her the typical "good job." Simon agrees that her song choice was much better this week, but wonders out loud if the voters still might not "get" what Nikki's all about, given her deviation from her pre-arranged packaging last week. In other words, "Get back in your box and stay there."

Nikki heads back up to Black and Decker, who thankfully don't even seem to be bothering with post-performance interviews. Blah blah blah votecakes. Nikki sends out her love to little Tristen. Black and Decker try to pull that stupid joke about trying to skip commercials again. Ryan "wins" the argument this time by pointing out that they could be fired. Sadly, no phone number flashes across the screen to vote for that.

Commercials. Brian and Ryan / return with a haiku joke / that isn't funny. up is A.J. "Nowhere Man" Gil. A.J. comes from a big family, in case you had forgotten. He says that when his family immigrated to the United States from Mexico, they didn't have a home for a while. He says that his father told him, "If you give a lot, God will give youin returnmore." I'm assuming his father, the traveling minister, phrased it better than that.

A.J. heads out to The Octagon to sing "How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)." He's wearing another lumpy jacket with oversized collars, this time in black and white, along with jeans. His hair seems a lot thicker than it was last week. Somebody must have taught him the joys of mousse. It looks like a beaver has fallen asleep on his head. His singing is typical and unremarkable. His idea of stage presence is to wander around the stage and point to somebody in the audience whenever he sings the word "you." At one point, he does something that resembles dancing -- only because it looks too stupid to be considered walking -- by doing some three-step slide to the right. The audience grasps at the moment of attempted charisma in the otherwise lifeless (heh) performance, and cheers.

A.J. gets a small standing ovation from one corner of the audience, where his family is identified by captions. Judges. Randy thought A.J. was merely average. He thinks that some of the other singers are putting on better performances. Paula, of course, was drawn to A.J.'s cheesy little dance move and thinks it was some big deal. Whatever. She does point out that he seemed "disconnected" from the song. Simon and Paula snark at each other, and it's not interesting so let's move on. Simon gives essentially the same speech he gave to R.J.; A.J. is good, but not good enough compared to the rest of the contestants.

A.J. heads up to Black and Decker, who make an effort at an interview. Was he anxious before the performance? He was anxious before, during, and after the performance, from what I can see. A.J. says that he had a hard time memorizing the song. How hard is it to memorize that song? The chorus has one line in it, and it's the song title! Black and Decker bring up that damned dance move again as though A.J. had just invented the Moonwalk or something. Ryan then grabs A.J. and drags him out to the audience to meet some fan who wants to "touch" him. I wonder if A.J. will start throwing up like Stan on South Park in the presence of a girl, but no. Ryan introduces A.J. to Joanna, who stands up and gives him a hug. They arrange the camera angle so that we don't see A.J. sink his teeth into her neck.

Commercials. Blah blah blah votecakes. up is Kelly "Take Time To Know Her" Clarkson. Black and Decker narrate to us during her clip show that the home-building process made Kelly homesick because her dad's a contractor. We see her measuring and building stuff, acting like she actually knows what she's doing, which she just might. She runs around dorkily while waving a hammer. Awww.

Kelly hits The Octagon of Judgment to sing "Natural Woman." So, of course, she does that thing where the woman dresses like a man, but does it in such a way as to enhance how much of a woman she really is. She's wearing a white dress shirt that's tied up to show a little bit of her torso, a really, really wide black tie, black flared pants with a red belt, and a black fedora. Are red belts in now, too? I keep seeing them on the contestants.

Kelly goes into her belting mode, and there's just no stopping her. It does make me wonder what she'll do if she ends up having to choose a song that doesn't lend itself to Aretha-style delivery. Kelly separates herself from Ryan Starr by showing that, unlike Ryan, she does have an upper range. She pulls out a sustained high note out of nowhere. It starts off flat, but she corrects it very quickly. It brings everybody up on their feet cheering when she pulls it off. Then as she approaches the end of the song, we see a boy standing at the edge of the stage with flowers. Black and Decker call for security, but when we pan back, I can see somebody standing there right at the edge of the stairs that lead up to the stage, so this was obviously planned. I don't think Kelly knew it was happening, though. She laughs and gives the guy a hug as he hands her the flowers. And we all thought Justin (Eeeeeee!) would be the first one to get the crazy stalkers.

The crowd goes wild over the whole thing, of course, as Kelly waits for the judges' comments. Randy "Kelly, Kelly, Kelly"s his compliments, saying he had no idea that Kelly had such range. Paula tells Kelly that she outdid herself tonight. Simon essentially repeats the comments he gave to Tamyra. He says he's glad Kelly followed A.J., because she shows the difference between a "nice" performance and a "great" one.

Kelly heads up to Black and Decker, who point out that the boy with the flowers is the same guy who wanted to hug her last week. She still thinks he's cute. She'll probably change her mind when she heads back to the mansion and discovers him lying in her bed, wearing her underwear. And he's still sitting in the audience, so obviously the people running the show knew what was going on and permitted it. Ryan tells Kelly that "for the first time, [she] made [him] feel like a natural woman." Yeah, that probably feels different from just being Simon's bitch.

up is Christina "Good Vibrations" Christian. Man, they're really reaching for things to say about the home-building stuff. Christina used to work as a "mortgage consultant," whatever the hell that is, and they claim that this gives her the knowledge about the value of a first home. Because, you know, the rest of us have no idea. R.J. and Christina stand to each other at the work site, and I suddenly realize that the two of them have nearly the exact same face: same cheeks, same smile, same jaw line. Actually, R.J. has prettier eyebrows than Christina, though she has more feminine eyes. She blathers about how owning a house helps set a "foundation" for a good future. I file that under "Information Every Adult Already Knows." It also sets the foundation of a lifelong hatred of yard work for many people. Well, me anyway.

Christina heads out to The Octagon to sing "When A Man Loves A Woman." That's a rather uninspired choice, given what the other folks are singing. Christina got two-foot-long hair extensions tonight to give her more of an earth-mother look. She's wearing a belly-baring peasant blouse with sleeves so big that the microphone nearly gets lost in one as she starts her singing.

Christina's vibrato is back in full force as she bleats her way through the song. It's really pronounced when she holds words with a short "a" sound, like "man." Her singing is a bit flat as well, making the held notes sound even worse. It's really not very good. She warbles all over the place on some held notes toward the end. The last rendition of the chorus is just loud and off-key.

But the audience still gives Christina a big standing ovation. She heads up for the judges' comments. Randy thinks she's beautiful, but didn't really feel her performance. She was sharp toward the end, and he notes that her vibrato is just too pronounced. Paula essentially agrees with Randy's comments. I thought she sounded flat to me, but they both think she was sharp. I guess I don't really care as long as somebody points out that she isn't hitting the notes right. Simon is still blinded by his crush. I think he's blushing, but you can't tell under the tan. He says that the girls outsang the boys tonight. And this has been different from the other weekshow? He insists that Christina was amazing.

Christina heads up to Black and Decker, who repeat that Simon's got a crush. Some folks in the audience shout, "You go, girl!" to Christina. Blah blah blah votecakes.

Commercials. Hey, Bill Ford, people accuse you of having gasoline in your veins because you don't seem quite human. That guy's got eyes creepier than Carson Daly's. XXX is going to suck so bad. I intend to see the Friday matinee the day it opens. Vin in his underwear! With tattoos! Shut up.

When we return, Brian is alone on The Octagon. He reminds us that the last performances will be held at the [product-placed camera] Theater, and that tickets are available. He insists that it will have a "star-studded" audience. All the puppets from Greg the Bunny will be there.

Brian tosses it to Ryan back in Pimp Central. Justin "Yummy, Yummy, Yummy" Guarini (Eeeeeeee!) is . Ryan brings up some rumor that Justin was going to cut his hair. He insists that he's not, so you can all sleep easier. In his clip show, Justin (Eeeeeee!) wears a bandanna to tame his wild mane, and jokes about having everybody call him "Ralph," because it's a more butch name than Justin. He says there's "no excuse" for not helping out for a cause like this. What if you have no arms and legs? Is that a good excuse?

Justin (Eeeeeee!) heads out to The Octagon to perform "Sunny," by Bobby Hebb. He's wearing the same shirt as R.J., except black, and the same jeans as Christina. I've never heard this song before, but I find it kind of blah. I don't know if it's the song or Justin (Eeeeeee!), but it's just sort ofthere. And because the song is kind of blah, Justin's stage presence seems a bit cheesier than usual, like the song doesn't deserve such a hard sell. He's too cognizant of the camera, tossing a couple of eye-fucks our way and doing this incredibly goofy move where he pretends to be surprised by the camera's existence when it spins around him. It's all very "Hey, there, baby. Where did you come from?" His singing is okay, but I think Justin (Eeeeeee!) actually picked a song that wasn't quite right for him. He's eye-fucking his way through a song that really doesn't justify more than an eye-Sunday-afternoon-date-at-the-beach.

Ryan sings her way to The Octagon from the back of the stage with her version of "You Really Got Me." Ryan is wearing this tacky thing -- I'm not even quite sure how to describe it. It looks like the top half of a piece of revealing black lingerie, with tears cut out to reveal the tops of her breasts and her torso. It makes Tenia and Alexandra seem conservative by comparison. She's also wearing jeans and a red belt. And a red-and-black collar. And red pieces of cloth tied around her arms. And a red wrist brace.

If Justin chose a song that didn't really emphasize his talents, then Ryan chose a song that really highlights her limitations. First of all, "You Really Got Me" is just not a song to be performed solo. It's a band song. Maybe it would have been better with a band onstage. The song also highlights Ryan's miniscule range. She tries to belt and growl the song out, when really, you need to be wailing it. She needs to be, like, an octave higher at least. Also, she loses her place in the lyrics towards the end and pretty much botches her big finish. Definitely the worst performance of the evening.

The crowd all stands and cheers anyway. The judges, however, were not impressed. Randy tells her he didn't think she was very good tonight. Not good at all. Interestingly, the audience just sits there and doesn't respond to the criticism. Paula points out that Ryan lost her place in the song, but points out that she's still "sexy as hell." Watch it, Ryan; Paula may be plotting to steal your breasts. Simon says he thought Ryan's performance was "absolutely dreadful." Ryan responds that she thought Simon would. Now the audience starts booing. I hate people. Paula tries to tell Simon that "dreadful" shouldn't be part of his vocabulary at this point in the competition, but Simon disagrees. Then Paula goads Ryan into giving Simon lip. Shut up, Paula, you untalented bubblehead. Ryan contends that Simon didn't like the song because he doesn't like rock or punk, or whatever. Well, what about Randy, then? Randy was a rocker and he didn't like your lousy singing. Simon tries to say that he does indeed like rock music, but Ryan dismissively calls him "a popper" and tells the audience that she doesn't care. He liked Nikki well enough when she sang rock. In fact, he criticized her harshly when she didn't. So, you know, shut up, Ryan. Hubris Records is on line three for you.

Ryan flounces over to Black and Decker, who tell her not to worry because the judges aren't allowed to call in and vote. Yeah, it's not like voters didn't vote off the contestant that Simon liked the least last week or anything. Oh, wait -- it is. Shut up, Black and Decker. Ryan makes stupid faces at the camera while they read her number. I think Paula likes her because they're the same emotional age.

They show clips of the kids' performances again while they all secretly file back onstage. When they come back to The Octagon, Black and Decker ask Simon how he'd rate tonight's performances. Simon rests his face in his hands, in obvious disappointment regarding certain performances tonight. He points out that a contestant's quality of performance may vary from week to week. Some may get better, some may get worse. Some will talk back. Some will show some grace. Some were sensational. Some were good. Some were dreadful. In other words, he doesn't really say much of anything. Black and Decker send us off, reminding us to vote. What, you mean the phone lines have just now opened? Man, I've been trying to vote for Tamyra for the last half hour and kept getting busy signals. Why didn't they say anything? Three identical blonde girls rush up to maul Justin during the closing credits.

Wednesday. Melodramatic Announcer warns us that the "in the half hour, the dream will come to an end" for one contestant. The camera pans across the kids, who are standing at the front of the stage in a row. Also, they're all making silly faces, which I enjoy simply because it takes the piss out of Melodramatic Announcer's melodramatic announcement.

Credits. Black and Decker's suits were better last night. Once again, more than eight million votes were cast for this round. They give us a clip show to start off the padding. Black and Decker narrate that last night's show was "definitely ladies' night," as they show clips of all the female performances. In the midst of it, they've included Simon's deafened-by-lust comment to Christina that the girls were outsinging the boys. And they've also included clips of Ryan's performance, even though all three judges disliked her far more than any of the three remaining male contestants. But hey, if we wanted accuracy, we wouldn't be watching FOX in the first place. After the girls are done, we see clips of the male performers, along with Simon telling each of them that they weren't as good as the women. We see the moment where Justin loses his (Eeeeeee!) again.

Back in the now, Black and Decker sit among the kids on their sofas. Host Ryan turns to Contestant Ryan, wearing her typical incomprehensible ensemble of bows and clothing scraps, to talk about her performance. Host Ryan says that Contestant Ryan was nervous about her song choice before she performed. Does she think the choice was a mistake? She responds that the song didn't express her vocal range, but it expressed who she was. Ryan, honey, I loved your rendition of "Frim Fram Sauce," but you have all the range of a doorbell. It expressed your total lack of vocal range, and expressed who you are in the sense that it revealed that you allow your feelings about a song to bypass good judgment regarding your talent. She insists that she's some punk rocker girl. Sure, okay.